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Old 08-02-2005, 03:12 AM   #8
Rebel Agent
Katarn07's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 4,344

20s-40s? That's why I think you'd like Sky Captain. It's an alternate 1930s much like comics and serials of that time depicted it

I came up with more. This is a second version of this scene. It's alot better and Canderous doesn't come off as being such a wuss. I'm sure there is still room for improvement but this isn't as bad as it was before.



Canderous and cronies arrive in a small encampment at the edge of a bluff overlooking the countryside. The village is far off in the distance unseen to the viewer. Canderous holds up a hand to his cronies.

Hold here!

His cronies comply as he dismounts from his massive black steed and enters the closest tent.



Canderous stands at the entrance of the tent. A hooded woman sits before a table filled with a variety of magical equipment, scrolls, and spellbooks. Her hood casts a shadow onto the upper half of her face. All that is visible are her ruby lips and a faint yellow glow from her eyes. She is busy at work doing something with her magic and speaks coolly without pausing.

You have returned? Then it is over? You have done as I have instructed?

(bowing slightly)
Valunen has been slain. The last of the Royal Guardsmen has been destroyed.

Ahh. Well done. You truly are worth every gold piece you cost me. The relic? Where is it?

It was not there. I searched his house before finishing him off.

Aura is still busy doing her thing with the magic equipment. She does not speak.

Is it possible he destroyed it? It has been nearly twenty years since….

No, mercenary. It was still in his possession after all this time. He must have hidden it elsewhere in the village. He must have figured we would eventually track him down. No matter. It is only a minor set back. Leave now, and do not return until you have the relic with you.

(growing angry)
Why can you not retrieve it yourself? I'm a hired sword, not some errand boy! I have done your dirty work. There's nothing standing in your way now but a bunch of farm peasants! You were able to track the Royal Guardsman here, surly you can see where the relic is hidden.

My foresight is only so powerful. It takes time to conjure up these images. Your methods of tracking the relic down will be much faster. The village is of no importance. Tear it apart and leave nothing alive. Search every building and every corpse until you have it. Do I make myself clear, mercenary?


Canderous doesn’t hesitate leaving the tent. Aura’s lips curl into a tight smile.

Until then, mercenary.
I'm content with how I made Aura. If you can't tell, she's the main bad guy. She is in parts one and two of this story line as was Valunen as it is hinted to. I'm not so troubled over Canderous anymore. He was coming off as a wuss and stuff as described by wildjedi's comment. I hope it's somewhat better now.

"The Force is strong with Katarn...." - Darth Vader, Star Wars: Dark Forces

Last edited by Katarn07; 08-02-2005 at 01:11 PM. Reason: Crappy dialogue
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