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Old 12-09-2005, 10:32 AM   #45
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Critiques 9 December

Darth333, who asked me to start doing these made one request recently, and that was that I post URLs for the stories I review. If you want one for a previous review, please contact me via my own e-mail Eventually I will have one attached to Star Wars, but it hasnít been activated, or maybe just not where I can get to it.

Darth333 has also decided that if anyone is going to stick a fork in me and tell us if I am done, it is her. So yes Virginia, there will be a critique of my work soon enough.

From Lucas Forums Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Legendary Exile

A young girl is given a mission to find her sister Revan.

The only problem I had with this story little lady is you didnít go any farther.. Come on!

Star Wars KOTOR III: The True Sith Empire.

The continuing story of the Exile and his mission

This is the second of kookaburaís works I have read. The ideas are there but again there are the neophyte problems. The first paragraph should by my estimate, be three.
He doesnít show much knowledge about weapons. Of course this is because heís working from the game, and everything you hold in your hand to inflict damage is automatically a melee weapon. It is just that there are over fifty varieties of sword alone that I can think of without cracking a book.
Donít take it as a major attack, kid. It is a minor thing that will be fixed by time.

An Apprentice's Betrayal

The fateful days before Revan is captured.

Like a lot of the kids writing here, the author doesnít know a lot about the military and how it is organized. Here a specific mistake was made, and I will address it because it is an uncommon one.
Even when they are technically the most important men on a mission, (Seal teams, pilots, etc) a junior officer is not in charge unless there is no one senior to him in rank. What he says is taken into account, and more weight is given than normal because of it, but that is it. You announce Ensign Ulgo, yet have him giving orders to a fleet and berating a Jedi. A junior officer in that situation doesnít Ďassumeí that his word is writ. Not and go much farther in the service.
There are some editing problems, and that is pretty much all the nasty stuff I can say.
Except for that it is well written and worth reading. Keep it up and bring it on kid!

From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

darth cimmer

44 years after the battle of Endor, three Jedi are sent on a mission and immediately discover resistance.

The pacing is fast, and furious. The writer keeps you going.

Power Of The Force: Rise Of The Legions

A year after the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war a new evil arises.

The only problem I had with the story was the idea that the Star Forge might still exist in the time of the New Republic. After all, wasnít it destroyed at the end of Kotor 1?

The Light of an Ignored Star
Erick Landrider

Tatooine, 39 years after Return of the Jedi

Here instead of saying something off the cuff, Iím going to use his own words;

It is a story of a no-name who's dedication and no-quit attitude keep him going in the worst times of his life.

The story is one section of life you donít see very often, the dragging poverty and boredom of real life. The main character is not even remotely likeable because he just irritates you.
What irritated ME was he only did the one chapter.

From kotorfanmedia

Letting go

Carth learns to let go of his hatred
In interim between Kotor and Kotor II

The write is intense from the first few sentences, Jiara pushes the pace, as would any woman in the situation she is describing. Excellent

Thinking ĎBout It

Starting with the escape from Endar Spire, a comedic look.

Fnord enjoys the work, and is funny without really trying. Most of the humor is about the situation in this first segment, falling and accidentally spearing an opponent, that kind of thing.
Iím going back and finishing it.

Findings - A Jedi

Kotor 1 The first tentative conversations between Carth and Illitha (Revan).

I actually got some ideas for changes in my own work from this. The style is brisk with a lot of introspection by both characters.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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