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Old 02-12-2006, 08:36 PM   #8
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Feeling Hosed By Your Governme
Posts: 1,859
This has the makings of a great saga! I can't wait to read more. However, I do have a few suggestions. Keep in mind that I am a teacher, but not an English teacher.

1. I would refrain from bouncing back and forth between 1st and 3rd person arbitrarily. I much prefer the 1st person narrative that you employ for most of the story.

2. Your telling of Zorans demise wasn't very clear. At first, I thought he had merely collapsed. A little more detail would have been in order.

3. Indent or separate your paragraphs by dropping down a line. While you have separated a few sections, much of your story has been hard to read because you haven't given the reader any place to rest the eye.

I believe this is going to be one of the better fics we have here. Keep up the good work!

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