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Old 03-15-2006, 08:01 AM   #30
PazaakPrincess
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Manaan
Posts: 250
Current Game: Fable 2, Oblivion
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Hey Jae, I think it's a great story so far and very well written you have a very good literary "voice".

I liked the beginning where Vandaar speaks more like Yodo, I could hear that croaky little voice in my head

My only real criticism would be from a readability point of view, although your formatting has improved from the beginning. I would just break up the paragraphs more and try and keep dialogue separated as it makes it more effective to the reader. Use more line breaks especially between different speakers. That's it really.

I can't wait to read more!


Call me Paz, PP sounds like you're p!$&ing on my head

My Kotor Fan Fiction
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