Chapter 19: Journals of the Front
Some more journal entries. Boy, looking back I feel bad I made people feel this way about my actions. I guess thatís why I tell this story.
Jacen is an enigma and is in some ways more like Revan. He feels that he has to shoulder everything himself and take every burden that comes our way. I donít deny that he is a good tactician even though he claims that there are others that are better. Jolee mentioned this when we met up at Tatooine. In fact he told me what he saw before even talking to Jacen completely and after their talk that night in the mess. I canít imagine someone living their whole life being hated for being someone from a different place. Jolee mentioned that he would probably get over it when he stopped running. I never knew he was running from something by the way that he gave the impression that he was in control. So much like my Revan yet lately he had been showing less and less. Last night I walked into what apparently a midnight conversation between him and Jolee. I guess it was too much for he was out of the mess quicker than when Revan hid from me aboard the Ebon Hawk after our fight over her being Revan. Jolee told me everything about his dreams and made me wonder if he and Revan were from the same place as far as memories and dreams go.
At least he has a sense of humor. He would crack an occasional joke that would make Mission laugh. He had good sense when it came to kids, well young people in general. Mission wouldnít have liked it if I kept calling her a kid. He is also good at diplomacy. When the Exileís crew showed up on the Ebon Hawk, it was a tense moment, at least with the pilot, Atton Rand. I donít understand how a drunk like him could be so tactless. Jacen played the diplomat in trying to make sure that no punches were thrown. For once I was actually amused by HK-47. I tried to hold it in when he called Jacen a ĎHandsome Meatbag,í a compliment in my vocabulary when he usually insulted people, but I couldnít resist the chuckle nor the laughter when he blushed. Heís a good kid and I hope things go well for him.
I was in the debriefing room when Jacen came in looking like he had been through hellís kitchen and back. He laid down a plan that I would have outright rejected. Mostly it was because I was afraid of losing my chance at getting to Revan. I had heard of Avalon and that few people could find it on their own, some protection by the Force thing even Jolee had trouble understanding it. It wouldnít surprise me considering that there are numerous Jedi-like people within the system. I canít lose Revan and I wasnít about to lose the one chance to find her.
Jacen must have sensed my apprehension for he explained it better. It involved him hooking up with Canderous, now Mandalore and his group of Mandalorians. I wasnít anxious to be working with Canderous again since we had never seen eye to eye and he always managed the most perverse comments about me and Revan. I do admit that he is a good warrior and he is loyal if he respects you in battle. Jacen also mentioned that the operation would be successful because the same evil that controlled the Rashikians once drove the heart of the Mandalorian wars. Jacen volunteered to lead the group by his own insistence that he knew the tendencies of the enemy, as he put it. I agreed to his conditions but laid down my own that his squad was to be involved. I wanted to be kept in the loop. He readily agreed which was surprising but I guess I should be used to the ways of the Jedi but then again he is no ordinary Jedi.
I only hope that Jacen knows what he is doing. I canít lose him, especially if he knows where Revan is. Somehow I canít help but worry, even with Joleeís assurances that everything will be alright. Jacen has courage and strength but I feel that something may be holding him back. He may show this new confidence but I feel that there may be something bigger behind his mask. It almost seems as if he knows something that he is not willing to share with anyone.
Two standard days after Jacen left and have heard no word. I wonder if he made contact with Canderous. I worry and I hope. I find often that my thoughts drift to the moment when I may see Revan again. Jacen described how she looked and it seems that she had barely changed except for maybe the length of her hair, which is longer. Huh, I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder. Four years and I still love her and from what Jacen told me, she still loves me. He described it as a massive headache to hear. I guess he means that he was tired of hearing it. Heís a strange chap and yet you canít help but like him.
Right now we are mobilizing and heading towards Duxn as planned. I hate being kept out of the loop but I guess Jacen will inform me when the time is right. I donít pretend to understand the Jedi even though Revan is one. The Jedi do their own thing and decide when they want to tell anyone anything and it is really annoying. I guess I shouldnít be hard on him. He is trying to help the Republic and in the only way he knew how.
The young whippersnapper surprises me at every turn. At least heís not a mouthy little thing. Heís too damn quiet. That talking to I gave him this morning seemed to really turn him around though I am not entirely certain that it was me that helped. At one point he stared into space and I could have sworn that a breeze flew through the ship. He then turned tail and left. Later, after speaking to Carth, he came out and started heading to the hangar bay. I was pacing in the hall when he came out. Jacen was in a hurry but he stopped to talk to me.
He told me what was going to happen and I suspected that his plan was something that Carth wouldnít readily agree to without serious reasoning. I admit I thought he was a fine lad myself and was worried about losing him. He explained that I wasÖbah I shouldnít be writing this. Who knows who may come across this. He did say that everyone else has their orders and that everything would come together when the time is right.
A strange thing happened. That furry hairball that helped when we were after the Star Forge showed up. Whatís his name? ChunÖnah oh it was Zaalbar. Mission threw a happy dance to see him again. I was surprised that the Wookiee came here. He said that he had come because someone sent a transmission saying that he was needed. No one really said anything but I suspected that Jacen had been doing a lot that we didnít know. How he did it, if he did it, is a mystery.
I talked to Zaalbar and he admitted in not too few words that it was not a transmission but it was like a calling. It reminded him of his life debt to Revan and thought that maybe it was Revan calling to him. I didnít say my thoughts about it to Zaalbar but welcomed him there as well as Carth and everyone else who knew him. Strange turn of events but I think it was the boy. He has tremendous talent and yet hides it to a surprising degree. I was most interested when I heard that Revanís regrets were like a massive headache. It had me thinking. I tried looking for him in the archives. I only came up with the information that he had been in Republic space for about a year before returning back to his home.
I am having second thoughts about what is going on. Maybe this is something that we canít handle and yet Jacen seemed to have the confidence that we could push this threat back. Well, I can only hope that he isnít over his head in this.
No pazaak and no juma. What do ya expect with Republics? Well I guess I better give these datapads to their respective persons. Jacenís riding a lot on this. Still think heís really crazy but I admit heís pretty good to have in a fight after seeing what he can do in a fighter and how he took down those Dark Jedi or whatever they were. Definitely crazy and definitely really brave.
Three more months and twice as many battles. I relayed my suspicions to the Council and they agreed. We currently hold the line on Avalon and her sister planets. We have had reports of a massive fleet massing near the Rakata world and a cluster of space known to the Avalonians as the Forbidden Stars. We are massing all the fleets into one but if the numbers are correct, we are greatly outnumbered. Darius and I have been working on a plan for best defense. If we were in the Outer Rim, those strongholds that I had left in place during the Mandalorian wars would have been helpful. Seeing as there is great risk to even the smallest of ships to get out of the system, most trade has been shut off. There are rumors that there is a hyperspace route called The Back Door. Very original but it makes sense. Few know the route. We are working on a way to run in supplies that way from neighboring systems.
Michaela is doing fine. She was stubborn and didnít leave when we moved the refugee tribes to one of the moons of Belos. She insisted on staying and it made me wonder if it was her or someone else talking. I admit my heart is tender towards her and I am slightly jealous or her. Carth and I have talked a few times about our future but I always evaded the issue. I fear that what I did may have turned him away. I love him but I understand if he found someone else; I just want him to be happy.
Another day and another battle and I am weary of it all. I regretted my decision to go to war when the Mandalorians attacked and I regret coming out here now. I understand why I had to come but it doesnít mean that I have to like it. Each day reminds me more and more of the battles I have fought, even the ones that threatened my life. I still blame myself for the masterís demise at the hands of Kreia. I wonder why I couldnít see her what she was. Makes me doubt myself.
The death that I have encountered makes the void feel wider and at times unbearable. After every battle you can hear the songs for the dead and it is haunting. Thatís what reminds me of the Mandalorian wars. I donít hear of feel the dying screams of these warriors. They are different. They never cry in death but accept it. I feel the songs. Strange, well everything about this place is strange.
The fronts have been established. Revan insisted on it and insisted that I head the armada. I was willing to follow her before and out of a sense of loyalty I was willing to do it again. So here I am on the bridge of the command ship. We are waitingÖ