Thread: [Fic] Dream or Reality?
View Single Post
Old 06-21-2008, 04:52 PM   #2
Rev7
I'm a Mage
 
Rev7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,208
Current Game: CoD 5 WaW; Skate 2
Helpful! 
Hmm, Revan is not really indestructable.

It wasn't a bad chapter. I would advise one thing though, when a new character starts talking, always start a new paragraph.

Example:
"Revan HELP!!” The shriek was as loud as the sounds of the dead in the ancient tombs of Korriban. The Bounty Hunters had her cornered in the Hangar.

“I’m coming!” Revan shocked them all with the power of the Force, which he wields in the palm of his hands. He knocked them out cold.

“Revan, there’s still more somewhere in the ship.” Bastila was shocked from the events that had happened in such a short space of time.

“I’ll find them.” Revan carefully tiptoed around the ship. He found, nothing. The ship was empty. He walked back to the hangar, where Bastila was still waiting. “Bastila, there’s no-one else.”



I saw that you did this a few times throughout the chapter, but you should always so that. Good work though, I like the description that you put into it. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to seeing the next chapter.

Rev7 is offline   you may: quote & reply,