View Single Post
Old 08-20-2008, 05:27 PM   #5
Rev7
I'm a Mage
 
Rev7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,208
Current Game: CoD 5 WaW; Skate 2
Helpful! 
Okay. It has potential, me thinks.

I do have some advice though. You always need to start a new paragraph when a new person talks. I go off of your last chapter...

" Tek slowly walked across the thug ridden streets staring at the cool black ground. As much of a filth hole as Coruscant was he loved that city. He moved there at the early age of 15, and had lived there ever since. “Was this the right thing to do?” he thought to himself. “Do I really want to associate with such a risky dealer? Ah, forget about it. Just keep your eyes on the reward.” 1,500,000 Credits was the price on this bozo’s head. “He shouldn’t be any harder to track down than any of the previous slime ball’s lives I’ve ruined. I guess I’ll go to Neb’s.”

Neb Groban was a weapon specialist and dealer who owned a shop a few levels down. Tek step thru the doorway to be greeted by his old friend. “Tek! Old buddy! Where the fierfek you been all these years eh?”

“Oh you know, just the normal.” Replied Tek.

“You rascal! So, what can I do for you?” the mandolorian said. “ I need something special. Perhaps poison filled. It should be able to travel silently and fast, yet be big enough to fit my sniper.” Said Tek.

“Well, in that case, I have just the thing you need than.” Answered Neb.

“I had a feeling you would.” Replied Tek.

“Oh you know me old buddy, always got something useful in this hole I call a shop. But anyway, here’s your precious bullets.” He said.

“ Amazing! There light as a feather but still large enough to fit most standard snipe’s!” Tek said.

“And that’s not all. They whistle silently from great distances striking fear into your enemy’s heart. Not to mention there super fast when fired from high powered rifles. Oh and check this out!” Neb pressed a tiny button on the bullets wing. “You can insert a small bottle of poison here! Amazing isn’t it.” He said. Tek Stared in awe as he fondled the small bottle of poison.

“Yes, yes it is. What is this small sign right her? Firefek It’s illegal here. There’s always a catch with you isn’t there Neb?” Sighed Tek.

“I’m afraid so lad. Sorry.” He chuckled. “Come on Tek. You’re a Bounty Hunter! Since when do you care about what’s legal and what’s not?” Said Neb.

“Since an incident with the law that happened a few years back I can never forget. What does it matter? Now shut up and give me the Bullets you scoundrel! And do you have any of these other items?” "

-That is how you should do it. Just a little advice. Oh and 1,500,000 credits is a lot! I definately think that it has potential and I am sure that you will improve as you write and post more chapters. I am looking forward to more!

Rev7 is offline   you may: quote & reply,