Thread: [Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 09-27-2008, 03:06 PM   #6
Rogue Nine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
He flung his lekku over his shoulders and sighed irritably. “Just a routine check on a routine night. Open up the back as well. I need to have a look.” He scrawled the licence plate number in his datapad and strolled to the back of the speeder. His eyes widened when he saw who the occupant was. “Pardon me, sir. I wasn’t aware that this was your vehicle.”
- It's spelled license, or at least it is in America.
- I think you scrawl onto or on something, not in it.
- It's unclear as to who the last sentence is directed at. Going by the rest of the paragraph, the officer could still be talking to the driver instead of the person in the back.

Quote:
The human in the sombre suit nodded. “It doesn’t matter. Carry on, officer.” He scribbled a note and discreetly eyed the girl next to the politician. His lip curled with distaste—she was young enough to be his daughter. A second glance revealed that she was, in fact, his daughter.
- I suggest starting a new paragraph from "He scribbled..." onwards, otherwise, it reads as if the human in the suit did the note scribbling and so forth.
- The last two sentences are confusing. Is the girl the politician's daughter, or the officer's daughter? Going by the last sentence, it reads as if it's the latter.

Quote:
He pulled out the blaster pistol out and shot the politician in the head.
- You have one too many 'out's.

Quote:
He didn’t pull the trigger, but he did club her with the pistol’s butt.
- Stylistically, I think it's awkward to phrase the last part this way. I suggest "the butt of his pistol".

Quote:
Efficiently, he stripped them of valuables. Ducking behind the patrol speeder, he stripped off the uniform and changed into nondescript clothes.
- Using the same verb in consecutive sentences is a pet peeve of mine

Quote:
Pulling the mask off, he sighed as it came free and splashed his face with water, scrubbing vigorously to get the smell of latex out of his skin.
- The mask came free, then splashed his face with water? I doubt that's what you mean, so you need to specify who or what did the splashing and scrubbing. It would make it much clearer if you separated this sentence into two.

Quote:
Despite all the technology that they had, no one had ever tried to make scentless latex and it vexed him greatly.
- Who's "they"? In a story full of pronouns, introducing another one is going to be a bit confusing. I suggest "that had been invented".

Quote:
Rolling the lekku up and turning the mask inside out over it, he packed it and the valuables into a small and extremely heavy crate.
- You use 'it' twice in the sentence and I think you're referring to two different things in each case. I had trouble understanding it, so I suggest a bit of tweaking in word usage.

Quote:
Lugging it down, he was relieved to see that his contact was already there.
I suggest you specify "downstairs" if that's what you mean, otherwise I think the phrase reads awkwardly.


It's a pretty good start, though things are pretty vague with your extensive use of pronouns. I think that's your intent though, so I understand the need for vagueness.




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