Thread: [Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 09-28-2008, 03:35 AM   #7
Bee Hoon
@Bee Hoon
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
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Originally Posted by Sabretooth
The Sabre is no ordinary beta, Bee. The Sabre is a beta auteur.

Originally Posted by Rogue Nine
- It's spelled license, or at least it is in America.
- I think you scrawl onto or on something, not in it.
- It's unclear as to who the last sentence is directed at. Going by the rest of the paragraph, the officer could still be talking to the driver instead of the person in the back.
-I try to use UK English
-True! I shall amend that. But somehow "scrawled on" kills the datapad effect O_o I'm weird.
- Could still be, but I presumed that the change in the form of address was clear enough to indicate that he was talking to the passenger. Would spacing it out help?

Originally Posted by Rogue Nine
- I suggest starting a new paragraph from "He scribbled..." onwards, otherwise, it reads as if the human in the suit did the note scribbling and so forth.
- The last two sentences are confusing. Is the girl the politician's daughter, or the officer's daughter? Going by the last sentence, it reads as if it's the latter.
-Good point. Fixed!
-It is the latter. The officer isn't that old, as you'll see later

Originally Posted by Rogue Nine
- You have one too many 'out's.
*slaps head and fixes* Too much incomplete sentence restructuring, meh.

Originally Posted by Rogue Nine
- Stylistically, I think it's awkward to phrase the last part this way. I suggest "the butt of his pistol".
-Fixed! I do prefer it that way, but have been trying to be less verbose. Nice to know there's people who like me being wordy

Originally Posted by Rogue Nine
- Using the same verb in consecutive sentences is a pet peeve of mine
It annoys me too. I can't believe I didn't spot that >.< I'll have to reread everything and make sure I didn't do dumb things like that.

Originally Posted by Rogue Nine
- The mask came free, then splashed his face with water? I doubt that's what you mean, so you need to specify who or what did the splashing and scrubbing. It would make it much clearer if you separated this sentence into two.
DON'T JUDGE HIS POWERS OF H2O PRODUCTION! Just kidding Shall clarify it now.

Originally Posted by Rogue Nine
- Who's "they"? In a story full of pronouns, introducing another one is going to be a bit confusing. I suggest "that had been invented".
-That's true. Amended, but to something else

Originally Posted by Rogue Nine
- You use 'it' twice in the sentence and I think you're referring to two different things in each case. I had trouble understanding it, so I suggest a bit of tweaking in word usage.
Tweaked! Better?

Originally Posted by Rogue Nine
I suggest you specify "downstairs" if that's what you mean, otherwise I think the phrase reads awkwardly.
I changed it to downstairs, but not sure how else to streamline it besides going into a long and boring bit detailing how he got off the planet Any ideas?

Yep, it was intended to be vague, though I had hoped that I could avoid the resulting side effect of confusion! D: Thanks so much for the review! <3 I'll give you lollies if we ever meet in RL

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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