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Old 10-06-2008, 06:53 AM   #7
Bee Hoon
@Bee Hoon
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
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Just a few quick comments--the first thing that struck me about the portrayal of Vaeda (which incidentally, sounds like a play on Vader >.>), Kota and Fulay just doesn't seem to jive with their positions as Jedi Padawans and Master. The Jedi frown upon attachment, and certainly such open acts of affection (hugging Vaeda etc) would have the parties summoned for the Council to have very serious words with them.

I also cannot possibly see how a Master can be defeated so easily by a Padawan O_o Fulay should have been able to sense her determination to kill him, and all that experience counts for something!

Judging from Kota's behaviour--sneaking out for a pod race?-- I can't possible see how Master Fulay deemed him ready to be knighted.

Try not to make the titles too obvious; as especially for Chapter 4, I knew precisely what was going to happen. Think of it as a hint, and then let it be explained as the plot unfolds.

There's also errors here and there, e.g. Prolouge instead of Prologue, mite instead of might, etc.

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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