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Old 12-04-2008, 09:29 PM   #925
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

As I have been commenting for the last few months, I have had problems keeping track because the site lists by last comment. I found the link to shift it by when it was first posted, and have been going back and commenting on each, a simple ‘read’ so I don’t repeat myself. I reached page 20, and found this one, which has been languishing for almost three years…

The Destruction of the Sith

19 years Post TSL: First love and first Padawan

Sorry I took so long, but here goes…

The piece flows a little rocky at the start but once it gets past that it runs pretty well. Since I had not played TSL until almost a year later, most of the characters would have been just characters to me before, now they were people I understood and could relate to.

The idea of two people in love being allowed to work together was fun, but having them secretly in love with each other (and not knowing it) made it even more fun.

Pick of the week


No specific period given: A revolution succeeds

The basics are good, the story intriguing on a political level. Characterization is not too shabby, but the two main characters need filling out a bit. The flow is a bit off, but that is a polishing problem.

Kado Sunrider

No specific period given: A bounty hunter goes after his target

Some word usage problems, dinner instead of diner, but you probably meant restaurant from the context. The flow is good and the comments made by others will help a lot.

Technical note: A professional gunman doesn’t put the gun against your body, primarily because human reaction time on the average gives the initiator a tenth of a second advantage. I could have accepted the scene if he had been standing, but not seated.

All in all a good first attempt. Welcome to the forum.

Play/Screenplay: Bond 23 (Scene 1)

Non SW: An intro into a Bond movie…

An interesting scene, though the action began on the wrong foot in my mind. Using the snapshots to tell us who was who worked well. I like the new ‘Bond Girl’.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: Dark Shadows
Hayden Kered

No specific time given: The nightmares begin

The piece does have good descriptive phrases. However by definition, an arch is not square, though you can have a squared arch.

McLaine, Town Marshal
Astor Kaine

NonSW: A Marshall in the old west around his duties.

The story is well done, the use of proper weapon’s terminology, such as period guns made it almost perfect. The only thing I can think of is you didn’t set the period clearly. You have weapons proper from 1870 to 1900, but then say the marshall is paid 5 dollars a day, which is a pay scale closer to the 1920s. Also, Marshall is an assigned or hired state or Federal post while Sheriff is a local paid position in that time.

Pick of the Week


Slow Dancing

KOTOR on Manaan Sometimes you have to take a break.

Tat, it’s been a long time, but you haven’t lost your touch. The piece is not only well written, but it flowed perfectly.

As other have commented, life even in an adventure novel is not all run from here to there and fight. It is cleaning up, cooking, and making sure you have what you need to do the cooking. A well done slice of life.

Pick of the Week


TSL on Nar Shaddaa: As a storm prepares to break, the Exile reminisces about the choices she made that brought her there.

The story is well done, with just the right amount of angst and introspection. The scene in front of the council while not the basic story was even better done. In my own work her decision was based on doing what she had been taught, not as she was being told, and your work portrays the same idea very well.

Pick of the Week

Pursuit: Chapter 1

Two Years after TSL: Atton follows the Exile’s last instructions and discovers more than he bargained for…

The piece is excellent work, the lead in a bit abbreviated, but that has already been addressed. The set up of the fallback plan was masterfully done, and the back story just as well portrayed.

Pick of the Week

Wounded Jedi, Chapter 1
Darth Ruination

One week after Malachor V: The Exile receives a warning through the Force and must make her decisions now.

The basics are good, though you used a wrong word; ‘I'm one of the few people who do‘ should be does and Koonda as a place is a proper noun and is therefore capitalized.

That being said the story was well paced, and the food fight outrageous, especially when your Exile commented that she had stood there through the entire thing with the ‘I’m not your mother’ comment to go with it.

Pick of the Week

Desperate Times, Desperate Measures
Lord Zeuss

Extended version of the Peragus portion of TSL: The Exile and her companions fight for their lives

The story line is a well done extension of the basic scene though it has a lot of elements from the game that did detract from the flow. The last section with the chemical weapon and it’s explanation was very well done.

Triptych Chapter 1, Out Of Nothing
Lord Zeuss

Post TSL: The galaxy prepares for the final confrontation.

The piece flows at a breakneck pace, making you keep track of several balls like a juggler. This is one of those I wish I had time to read to the end.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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