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Old 12-25-2008, 10:53 PM   #937
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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My company has this habit of ‘removing’ additional hours of vacation time if you have too many. They intended to make 40 hours of my vacation time disappear on the 1st of Dec, so to avoid losing that five days, I’m taking a week off from work.

So I will be spending the next 9 days doing what I like to do… eat, drink, write…
And on four of those days, reviewing your work.

The most recent Jayvar’s challenge is holidays. One reason I do not like this theme is simple and is mentioned below. If you read my reviews starting in January of 2007, you will notice I dinged stories of this type, and praised them when they used the rule I did suggest. One about a Telosian holiday won high praise by tweaking Halloween into something like but unlike it. So do not take my comments as ‘this is horrible’, only
A general note for this week and next week were addressed in this post made back in 2008 regarding holidays:

The basic idea has problems, which I addressed back in 2007 at Lucasforums
The Expert’s forum post 118.

For those who don’t want to read the post, stories of Christmas Halloween St Valentine’s day etc violate the canon ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’ because two of them (You guess) were old pagan holidays with the serial numbers filed off. All of them by the names they have are less than 600 years old.

You can use the spirits of the holidays but a lot of the trappings are too obvious.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Diaries of a Jedi
The Doctor

At the start of the Mandalorian wars, a Jedi begins recording what is happening.

Posted March 2006, missed by an earlier review. Mea Culpa.

Problems with word usage (quite instead of quiet), but up to the Doctor’s standards. The diary style is good and abrupt, as diaries usually are.

Belated Pick of the week

chaper 2. Mira's vision

Post TSL: A desperate plan is hatched to stop the Jedi purge of 4 millennia later.

Posted March 2006, missed by an earlier review. Mea Culpa.

The story is flowing well and my only complaint is technical.

Technical notes: The problem with a time travel machine are manifold, though you have avoided the most obvious, of traveling backwards. But it is also a precision device, requiring something more that ‘4,000 years that away’.

You could actually end up arriving long after the event, or long before. What could they do if they showed up say ten years before Anakin was born? Or after the battle of Yavin?

The End of the Beginning.

Set in the DC comics universe: The Batman contemplates his hanging.

Most of the stuff that can be said has. I promised to do a beta read, and it will be late, but I will go through it for you later today or tomorrow. The basic idea might be good not on this but a follow-on. The primary defense the super heroes have is their anonymity. How many suits for damages, injury, etc can be leveled when you know who they are?

Keep You Away

No genre beyond basic fiction: Sometime friendship requires stopping a friend from making a big mistake.

The story flows well, but the issue, why the fight was going to happen, was delayed a bit for me. But that is just me.

Pick of the Week

Chevron 7 Locke

Set in the Naruto universe:

Missing words, (why were you kissing) You also forgot conversation breaks. Remember to break it up when you change speaker.

The story is flowing well, and what interests me is it’s turning like the book Lightning by Dean Koontz, or my own Penelope’s Tapestry. You change history and something almost as bad happens that you may have to correct.

Pick of the Week

Christmas on the Ebon Hawk
Chevron 7 Locke

KOTOR, no specific section given: Pranks and Christmas just seem to go along…

The piece needs some editing, but beyond that was pretty good. I mentioned it because you had Bastila revive (Bring back to life) a gift rather than receive it. In the fact the only other negative I can actually mention is a grenade was a bit much. Maybe a smaller charge? Making the ‘punishment’ fit the crimes was great, and having Juhani first upset, then playing with the squeaky toy reminds me of a scene from Terry Pritchett’s ‘Making Money’ where a character who is a werewolf has the same problem with a dog’s toy.

Pick of the Week


A Captain, A Cathar, and a Former Sith Lord Revisited

KOTOR enroute to Korriban: Revan is split between her two loves, the one in her heart, and the one in her bed…

The piece is perfect, Crystal, that’s all I can say. The angst of wanting and having at the same time was so well done I had no problem with disbelief.

It is rare that I review following segments of someone’s work here at Kotorfanmedia. Primarily it is because the site is so prolific that if I did I would not have completed even one of the sections yet. I am now on my third and soon to be fourth, so my reasoning is sound.

But Crystal001, by titling in a manner (And posting over a time as well) has allowed me to review three pieces back to back, and all I can say is Wow!

I just wish I had chance to read the entire thing. Of course, if Crystal001 keeps titling as they have been, maybe I will have that chance.

Pick of the Week

Beast Taming: A Note to the Next Ruler of Onderon

Post TSL: Looking back on her life, Queen Talia has written advice for her successors.

Some odd sentences ‘I think this I had led Vaklu’ didn’t make sense but might have worded I think this is what led Vaklu. This is an editing problem easily corrected.

The story is well done, the basis, comparing herself to a wild animal tamed easy to follow and well conceived.

Pick of the Week.


TSL Sequel to Lies: Will the truth set you free or imprison you?

The same problem with sentence structure mentioned above but others have addressed it I will not comment on it.

The idea is good, especially following after Lies. It is a good balance.

Pick of the Week.

The Norm for a Scoundrel

Aboard the Ebon Hawk after Korriban: After asking the wrong question, Atton considers what his life has become.

The premise is good, and the work only needs some smoothing to make it better. I like the take on Atton, and how she gets him under his skin. Excellent work.

Pick of the Week

We've Met Before
Amber Penglass

PostKOTOR : Two people meet in a bar, but who exactly are they?

It should have been refused a glass rather than denied. Everything I saw wrong with this was just not rereading and editing.

The story itself flowed well, and the idea that the main characters had met and don’t realize it was well done.

Pick of the Week


TSL on Dxun right after Onderon: The only enemy you can never defeat…

The story flowed well, the vision of fighting everything you have ever faced, and still losing because you failed in small ways was well portrayed, the feeling both between Atton and the Exile made you wonder how much she had ever shown before.

Pick of the Week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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