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Old 02-05-2009, 10:39 PM   #958
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

As promised a very distubing story about an EMO kid

NonSW Fiction: Who is more confused; the father or the son?

The one thing the piece needed was editing. There are words left out, used improperly, and punctuation that needs serious correcting.

The story tends to leap in too many directions for me to keep track. It was amusing having the characters take pot shots at both the author and readers, commenting that the author hadn’t given the adult a name, and that ‘mom’ was such a secondary character that she is only mentioned occasionally.

Cataclysmic Infinium

NonSW Fiction: A series of incidents leads to a surprising find.

The work needs editing. The flow is interrupted by poor sentence and paragraph structure The sentence ‘The ship fired’ for example would have flowed better by putting it at the end of the paragraph rather than at the start. Also, 21085 BCE was long after the cave dwelling days. Having everyone hear the same number in 21085 CE was confusing because that is 17,000 years in the future of your piece.

The timeline is a bit long and one question plagues me; how did the Third World War last four hundred years? Remember what Albert Einstein said; when asked what weapons would be used in that war, his reply was that he didn’t know, but the fourth world war would be fought with clubs and rocks.

I am hoping, if this continues, that we’ll get an answer as to how the ship ended up buried on Earth. The reaction of the buried ship made the story interesting. Why did it automatically accept the commands of the humans?

KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Admonitions

Post TSL: Continuation of Tret'ye Srazhenie; the team prepares to depart with one last addition.

The story is flowing well, the only odd point being that while Atton seemed to have meditated he didn’t change his mind.

Mass Effect II: Reaping: Warnings on Two Fronts

NonSW: Continuation of Reaping; The hearing and decision

The inquiry was interesting in that they decided not to make a decision. The reactions of the med personnel was what you might expect from hostages. I for one have always agreed that the way to deal with a terrorist attack is make sure the cameras get their bodies being taken out afterward, but that’s just my own hard heart.

Pick of the week


Dark Side Male Exile

Miraea Starr

PreKOTOR: What price vengeance?

It may be misfiled as a Dark Exile story, but the piece reached out and grabbed you from the first sentence. A look into a man’s heart, making you understand how much vengeance can eat at you. Every step from the deaths in the battle to rationalizing why it is right and proper, to questioning the actions was well done.

Pick of the Week

Rejected: The Quest to Make a Good Read

KOTOR: Writing can be hard…

This isn’t about the game characters beyond barbs fired by the story characters. The piece starts off with of all things, comments on herb chicken; and goes downhill from there at a breakneck pace. The ending plot was choice, albeit rejected by the other author. It was irreverent, outrageous, and loads of fun.

Pick of the Week

Eyes Closed

PostTSL: The passing of a friend brings the original crew back together.

Another misfiled piece, but I’m glad it was. The setting is so mundane and normal that you can picture everything clear as a movie screen. The story tears at you, because like the characters, you wish you could wake up from the nightmare they are living.

Pick of the Week


PreKOTOR during the wars: When can you tell that your compatriot has fallen apart?

A bit of confusion about a page in caused by forgetting a conversation break, no biggie An editing problem, nothing more.

As a pair of soldiers kicked back over a brew, discussing another officer, this was head and shoulders above the others. The description of both battle and the scene in the bar was well done.

Pick of the Week

Bargaining Chip

KOTOR on Korriban: You have to consider the role…

An interesting take on the situation on Korriban concerning what role Carth or Canderous would have had to play going into the Sith Academy. We forget what rights we would lose if we were considered slaves, and this is an excellent view of what could occur.

Pick of the Week.

*Mind Games
Darth Melly

PreTSL: A Jedi risks her life to turn one man, and set events into motion.

The scene is well portrayed, the terror of the prison deeply entrenched in the stark images. The utter futility of resistance underscored. This makes the heroine that much more heroic.

She knows she cannot survive, she can only win.

One critic commented on the torture, and I agree. Melly, why not add the scenes you could have, it would be worth the effort, and I’d love to see it.

Pick of the Week

Shadows of My Past

TSL on Malachor V: The struggle between light and dark goes to the bitter end.

This piece is dark but not unremittingly. There are glimpses of the light still trying to flow through right to the end. This makes it darker at the end.

Pick of the Week

Stop Drinking or Mutiny

KOTOR on Tatooine: An irreverent look at Revan

The start was fun, and using his light saber as a cigar lighter was a riot. The piece went from humorous to serious very smoothly, and having everyone on his case was choice.

A bottle opener designed into your light saber? As funny as it sounds the Israelis built one into the Galil rifle because the average troop would use their ammo magazines to open beer and Coke bottles.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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