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Old 07-07-2012, 09:05 AM   #1285
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The link to post aqt SWK is back up with great rejoicing at this end. So...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Luke Skywalker: Deadly Desert

ANH Prequel: A different view of Luke's earlier days.

you 'take (over) your father's bar', not just take it. 'going from the '' Deadly Desert'', to go more fast to Nick's house.' should be going 'through' to get to Nick's house faster. By inserting () and deleting [] this sentence makes sense. ''If it is just an old myth, then why (Doesn't anyone)[no one] come[to](through) this desert?!'' 'I am sorry I (Always capitalize the personal I) didn't [told] (tell) you this.''

Sandpeople is a name for a group, not a single one. So it would be a sandpeople warrior

The set up for why they are crossing the 'deadly desert' doesn't make sense in a frontier environment, which even with the technology Tatooine is. Before the advent of the mass produced car, few people traveled more than twenty miles from home in their lives except on business, when they would ride a horse, stage, or train. Having a friend live in another town was a death sentence for a close friendship.

In such societies, social gatherings like a party were in a central location if possible and if it were more than ten miles away, most would not attend; that's a three hour trip in horse and wagon days. Under average conditions, the standard walking pace on firm soil is 3.5 miles an hour, down to 1.5 on loose sand, as with dunes. I have been to few parties worth walking almost three hours or more. Besides, why not fly his T-16? Instead you have him walking at night, in a desert with known threats such as Krayt dragons and Sandpeople.

Worse yet, Luke lives out on the farm, and to go to this party has to walk to town, collect his friend, then walk to the party.

Second, people do not call something the 'deadly whatever' without a reason. Admittedly that reason might be ancient and no longer apply, but if it's an ancient name, you would know it, and if it is a modern one, you would also know. You did sort of address this, but Jimmy's question was still valid as the attack shows.

The actual fight doesn't make a lot of sense, and here's the best way I can think of the explain why. 'Mark Hamill and his friend are attacked by Hulk Hogan. After his friend is knocked to the ground by Hogan, Hamill kicks Hogan in the face once, rendering him unconscious at which point Luke's friend is able to warn Luke, get up and flee'. What is wrong with this picture?

Then after all this effort to go to the party, you end up back in town. Also, why is his friend staying in a hotel rather than with friends or relatives? Unless his family looks down on him for leaving, it would save money and time getting to parties if he is living at home.

Last, again, an actual written laugh is unnecessary if it is not a sarcastic answer.

While there are problems as I mentioned above, the piece has some interesting plot twists.

Until the world start again...
Revan sama

Pre KOTOR on Malachor V: In death there is also love

'The vision of her own death...and what consequences it can product'. Should be produce or could produce.

The piece is surreal, visions from two people, one dying, the other her killer.

Luke Skywalker: Blumer Fort

ANH Prequel chapter two: Things are convoluted on the Imperial front.

Technical notes: Having the Senate get upset after almost 22 years of Imperial control because of military defeats is a bit much. As an example, a guerrilla war against the Empire would be such similar to the one being fought in China during the 27 year long Civil war between the Nationalists and the Communists ; which barely got coverage in Western news papers until the invasion by Japan in 1937 Even then, the events in China barely rated the second or third page from 1937 until 1939.

As for 'military defeats' define the term? Depending on which press (Defeat oriented or victory oriented with associated talking heads) you read we were both winning and losing the 8 year long Vietnam War (1964 to 1972). Most of the 'defeats' the US army suffered were small in comparison to the 'victories' we won. The last Major defeat of that war was Dien Bien Phu in March and May of 1954.

Someone once said of that war, that we (The US) 'won the war and lost the peace'. We were portrayed in our own press as the losers, yet none of the right wing (Loser) press could point at a single major battle we had lost. Yet every minor battle we lost was trumpeted as if it were Midway, El Alamein or Stalingrad.

Face it; until the Death Star was destroyed, there were no major defeats for the Imperial forces, and that happened after the period you portray. The US lost no major battles though they 'lost' the battle of Hue according to the right wing press. The fact that the US relieved Hue and kicked the North Vietnamese out is of course secondary. As for financial troubles, that is something you created to convince the reader that the Senate is showing it's strength.

As for brandishing a weapon; after 25,000 years, I doubt the Republic Senate has not already created such a rule a lot earlier. The US had one before the War Between the States (Less than eighty years after the Constitution).

What you have created here is an example of the furor in the Roman Senate when the mob voted Julius Caesar Imperator before his assassination.

Yet Vader's argument is cogent; not that the senators themselves are rich, but coalitions of the rich would put their people in those senate seats over their own people's heads. Not surprising; There hasn't been a 'poor' president since Eisenhower.

Again our perennial argument. A nuclear weapon is a specific weapon; not some 'Sith enhanced' device. When you say 'nuclear' weapon, your readers 'see' something with less than 100 megatons that would destroy Washington and level Baltimore with the shockwave, but not affect Philadelphia.

As for 'Operation Storm', you first Nuke it, then blast it from orbit, and only then attack it with troops. What is this fortress made of? There is no known cladding or armor that will take the nuke alone, and if it survived that what would survive an orbital bombardment then a plasma bombardment and then need the troops? Plasma, by definition, is heated to the same temperature as the surface of the sun, so again I ask, what is it made of, since nothing known to man would survive sitting in the corona of our own own sun? And it is not the first, but the third weapon used?

Also, consider this; a 'Nuke' that would destroy Washington DC would not leave you a base to use for further operations. The city would be obliterated, and using DC as a base afterward would be like setting up in a toxic waste facility.

Your story is going further afield as it progresses.


Moments: Sunrise and Scars

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: After a flashback to the start of the war for Revan, Atton considers all the things the Exile does not ask.

An interesting view of, of all things, scars. The description of her limp as a 'general's limp' suggests a wound as a veteran would say, because you were young and too stupid to duck. Both had been wounded in that war, and I agree with Atton as to why she doesn't ask. Maybe she would find out too much.

Pick of the Week

Atonement Chapter 1: En Route to Telos
Exile Starrcast

TSL En Route to Telos after Peragus: The Exile tries to find out about her companions

Technical note: According to canon, the Mandalorian wars started with twelve years of gnawing around the edges before the attack on the Republic, followed by four years of fighting before Revan led the Jedi into it. But then you foreshorten the Jedi portion, which was, again according to canon, four years, to only two.

The piece has a softer Atton, not so willing to lash out. When he discovers her weakness in Pazaak he limits his own skill rather than merely winning to say he has. Being a friendly ear worked well.

Pick of the Week


Post TSL on Corellia: The Disciple has an unexpected visitor, and a new mission, sort of.

I didn't expect Atton to show up bare arsed, and his explanation was choice. I pictured Atton, and the scene when he fled vividly, and Mical's keeping to technical terms while Atton is more down and dirty was fun to read. Having to go back for his lightsaber and money (Not to mention his clothes) is fun, and the fact that they need someone who speaks Mandalorian just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week

Truth Or Dare

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Truth or Dare, Star Wars style

Mical's comment; that the truth is what you should always put forward, fits the character perfectly. The piece was funny because Mical is such a straitlaced character that Atton's dare aims her ire at the scoundrel. A riot.

Pick of the Week

Cheaters Never Prosper
Exile Starrcast

Pre TSL: We finally get an explanation of why Atton was in that force cage.

The piece was fun and irreverent. Leaving him hung over, and naked in a storage locker on Peragus was a cheerfully sadistic touch.

Moments: Caution, Regrets and Farewell

TSL On Dantooine: A flashback to before the war leads to regrets and tears later

It is an interesting view both of their past and their present. Kavar and the girl who became the Exile in their illicit meeting, leading to his memories and self condemnation at not attempting to save her from Exile. This segues into her crying over his body on Dantooine. Very well portrayed.

Pick of the Week

What If

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two children and a Jedi Knight...

This is the second time Knightskye had graced my pages. The problem with this piece is it is too short to really get a feel for the presented thought. The title implies different possibilities, but none are suggested.

And so we go on

Years post TSL: Revan and the Exile finally return

The author tries to cover too much in the back story giving us a time capsule for all of the ones who remained in snippets before the return. It is a personal opinion, but having them fill in that blank with dialogue would have been better.

Reincarnations of the Old Republic
Corran Griffin

KOTOR over Taris: A reincarnated soul gets another chance

I have to admit, I have seen a lot of different ways to get into the SW universe; taking a plane from India that lands on Coruscant, being sucked into the game, entering it voluntary among others.

The author neatly sidestepped the 'Long ago in a galaxy far, far away' by making it an alternate dimension and having the main character be a part of that galaxy who accidentally was reincarnated here.

I just wish it was longer, and wonder if this is Revan's soul returning.

Welcome to My Life
Sith Lord Revan1

KOTOR on Dantooine: What if Revan found out about his past earlier?

The piece moved too quickly. You went from the revelation to flight before anyone beyond Revan knew why. Having him explain that the council had suddenly become Sith didn't make a lot of sense either.

The Master Returns

PreKOTOR: What kept them in place after Revan had proven it false?

I had no time to read beyond the beginnig, and it didn't tell me a lot of the backstory.


Post KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: There is one battle remaining for our hero...

This was a very interesting read. The author turns what is usually a mental confrontation into a physical one with one simple elegant and logical idea. I was swept along for the ride, and at the end I was only a bit disappointed.

You see, it reminded me of the final confrontation in Fight Club, and I had kind of hoped it would end the same way.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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