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Old 08-11-2012, 10:46 PM   #1294
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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A Package
Darth Pooba

No specific era given: A young girl trying to deliver a package runs into trouble

The piece is well written except for problems that editing would cure. As an example, snow would have crunched under her feet rather than crunch.

While a first work of a few years ago by your own admission, it does show promise.

Welcome to the forum


NSW Fiction: A child wonders about god.

This work was reviewed 22 July 2012. However the last time the site went down, we lost several weeks from July. So I was willing to review it again.

As with most of her work so far, this sets up an interesting premise. I noticed that the questions the child asked fit no specific religion, yet have points where you can see your own at need. God is an invisible being, in this story so much so that the priests were faceless masks in imitation. 'God' speaks to the priests alone; whatever they say God said is the truth.

Even without being informed in the title heading that it would a horror story. I would have known it from the ending of the post.

Since she posted all of it, I read all of it. The story was well wrought, the basis of what was happening well explained. Being the daughter of a heretic makes her the perfect one to break the deadlock.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR III: The Force Reborn
Leo Damascus

KOTOR III: An overview of the newest Jedi

The piece, as the author states, is confused, and goes every direction at a great rate of knots.

So I Dated a Sith Lord

KOTOR era, no specific location: Them Force users have some weird mating rituals...

Remember characterization; except for the fact of their sex and Rina's hair color they could be a kid with an overactive imagination using two action figures.

While we have two adults here, I keep picturing two kids of about high school level martial arts arguing over which school is better. As it would with kids of that age, if finally devolves to name calling. But a lot of fun.

Pasts Secrets
Kaiju Moth

Two years Post KOTOR AU: An ancient menace arises within the Republic

I didn't have time to read too far; it's 30 chapters and I was only able to read the first two, so I still don't know exactly what the menace is.

The problem with 'ancient' evils is that they are vague in concept. There was an American kung fu movie made back in the mid 70s where an evil man was looking for an ancient weapon so powerful it would destroy the human race. At the end, with the bad guy captured, and the tomb where this ancient weapon was hidden discovered (And even then I wondered, how the hell did a super weapon 2,000 years old end up in the US?) you find out that it was merely gunpowder.

Knights of the Old Republic 3: The Final Darkness

One year after TSL: With the enemy destroyed, the saviors of the Jedi have another threat they have to face...

The piece is a bit of slice of life with a reunion battle.

The intriguing point is that the new enemy required both the dark and light siders to work together to defeat it last time.

Superiority at Any Cost

Pre KOTOR on Korriban: Dustil and Selene in the Academy

The piece sets up the death of the girl and Dustil's reaction to it. The manner in which his superiors merely decide to disposed of her is chilling, but normal for the Sith.


TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Hope that your first time drunk your partner is a true friend, not Atton

I read this through, and was amused until the last two lines. Then I laughed like hell!

You know if anyone actually liked Mical, it wouldn't be considered AU; you could create a mod to have him with a male exile. The analytical mind diagnosing his condition was fun. I have had blank spots when I drink, but I have never had a hangover. His thoughts that the symptoms are not as mild as the dry text suggests is attributed, as any of you who have had a hangover knows, to the difference between reading about it, and experiencing it.

But that is only the start of his troubles, according to Atton. Best read without me giving away too much...

Pick of the Week


I Will Not Forget
Aminta Jae

Originally reviewed 9 March 2007 That review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: With both of their men at war; Revan and the Exile receive the worst news any woman in that position can receive. Companion piece to we change for those we love.

The style is excellent, the scene crisp and clear. The reaction by both women and children as clear as if they were our own families. This piece cannot be praised enough.

Reprise Pick of the Week

We Change For Those We Love
Aminta Jae

Originally reviewed 9 March 2007 That review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: Before their final battle, Carth and Atton reminisce about the women in their lives. Prequel to I will not forget.

Some word usage problems ‘him’ instead of his. The interplay of the relationships is well delineated, and the scene, which is a common one for those going into battle is almost perfect. Good work.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Reflections and Endings Adnarim

Pre KOTOR above Malachor V: The deed is done, and the General suffers for it

The scenes are the hectic scramble you would expect in a battle. I for one shifted the blame for what is about to happen to another, primarily because I could not see the Jedi accepting a Pyrrhic victory. But regardless, our character must suffer for it.

Silence in the Midst of Victory

Pre KOTOR on Coruscant: In the aftermath of the Mandalorian wars, the survivors of that last battle disperse.

The piece was reminiscent to me of a song written by Eric Bogle named 'and the band played Waltzing Matilda'. For those who have never heard it, go to Youtube and put in the title or the artist. It was done in honor of the men who fought and died at Gallipoli, which to my mind was one of the worst run campaigns of WWI, and considering some of the boneheads in charge of the Allies at the time is saying something.

It is a little known fact that the Aussie troops captured the hills above Suva Bay in the first few days of the campaign, then were ordered back to the beach because thay had not been ordered to take them. Those same hills are the ones Bogle commented on where 'Johnny Turk' set up to fight the battle, and the massacre that followed was fought in a vain attempt to retake them.

Here we have not the battle, but the aftermath as the song covers well. No one is cheering when these people muster out, no parades, not bands. Just a group done with their duty departing.

Pick of the Week

The Blazer Wing - Chapter 1: At War

Last Of The Lineage

Mandalorian Wars: A Jedi General undertakes his first independent command.

Technical note naval; A corvette is a workhorse vessel primarily as an escort for convoys or larger warships in whatever time it is linked to, but it is too large to fit inside a hammerhead (What the Wookiepedia calls an Axehead instead) frigate. Yet you have several of them aboard this one.

Picture this modern example:

USS Stark, an Oliver Hazard Perry class frigate (Displacement: 4,100 long tons (4,200 t) full load Length: 408 ft (124 m) waterline, 445 ft (136 m) overall, 453 ft (138 m) for "long-hull" frigates Beam: 45 ft (14 m) Draft: 22 ft (6.7 m) Is taken aboard the Tarawa Class USS Peleliu amphibious assault ship. (Displacement: 39,438 long tons full and 25,982 tons light Length: 820 ft (250 m) Beam: 106.6 ft (32.5 m)

What is wrong with this picture? While the Corellian Blockade Runner from ANH was small enough to be taken aboard the Star Destroyer that pursued it, the Imperial ship (At almost a kilometer and a half in length) is a lot larger than the Axehead (Less than 315 meters), and even larger than the 150 meter blockade runner.

During the battle over Telos where the Sith attack, the smaller boxy warships that arrive with the Axehead frigates are corvettes, and none of them are small enough to be loaded aboard the frigates.

Technical, Ground Forces: The term mechanical merely means 'having to do with machinery' whereas the word Mechanized when used by the Military means to equip with tanks and other armored vehicles. Using modern parlance again, ground units are infantry (Both mechanized and leg or in modern parlance 'light' infantry) mechanized (A combination of both tanks and infantry) or armored.

Technical Ground forces general: When you combine units as you have done, you do not end up with a squad (a small number of soldiers, commonly 10 privates, a staff sergeant, and a corporal; the smallest military unit) with the numbers you have given you have a light company (Around 70 men instead of the standard 110 men of a company) of infantry with two squadrons of armor. That means either six or seven squads or an over strength platoon (44 men) of infantry.

The basics except for what I have noted above is good. Keep it up.

Affection's Affirmation

Post TSL: Sabyne and Mical?

RLS created her own version of TSL with count 'em, three characters as the Exile, with Sabyne listed above as one of them. Having each have their own view of who is a perfect partner is just good fun.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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