Coruscant Entertainment Center
Despair and Hope
Chevron 7 Locke
Originally reviewed 12 May 2012, re-reviewed upon request
SW TOR On Taris: A Sith feels an emotion that has nothing to do with evil
As said in the first review, The piece is up to the author's standards, which are high. C7L, because of the dichotomy of a Sith actually falling in love. I know it has to happen, after all, where would little Sith come from if they didn't?
Now the next is written from the Technical view, not my own heart, as it were; since I have never accepted the unremitting 'bad guy' motif of the SW universe.
Technical notes; Darth Baras is reacting as you would anticipate a Sith would except for one minor thing; one of the real sadistic masters would have merely waited until their journey brought them home, or gone to where they were, and had Toryal himself kill Vette. Remember that in KOTOR you get extra darkside points if you order Zaalbar to murder Mission rather than killing her yourself. Yet Baras made a further mistake when he ordered Quinn to poison her.
People tend to forget when they are reading that as John Ringo comments constantly in his Aldenata series, 'Aliens are aliens'. When he says it, he means how their minds and societies operate, whereas I mean physically. If you have read my own The Birth of the Republic and Republic Dawn, I comment on it with a drug in the former, and a naturally occurring anesthetic in the Twi-Lek analog of the mosquito in the latter. In the first case I go over (If I remember correctly) four different races and how it affects each differently. I did it again when Yaka, the Ithorian Padawan-learner of Breia Solo is eating pancakes with syrup for the first time.
So logically something which is deadly poison to say a human, might be a spice used in food preparation to another. When Baras ordered her death, he should have specified what to use. Not as hard as you might think, since with so many alien species in the SW Universe, any medical database would have listings of medicines that must not be used on members of another race. For that matter a cookbook would have a listing of aliens who should not eat certain dishes because of such a possibility.
Overall, good work. Keep it up.
By my side: Now and forever
Post KOTOR: The descendant of Bastila and Revan faces the same problem
A very nice view of a mother realizing that soon, as much as she or the child hates it, he will be alone if raised as a Jedi.
I gave a lot of thought to how Jedi raise the younglings, and as much as I loathe their restrictions on the age of an applicant, I do understand why it is done in this manner. However at one point in a story I read about a couple of years ago, the author had the Jedi literally whisking a child of less than one away to be trained. As I commented at the time, it means you would have to have an entire character class of Jedi babysitter.
The reason you take them young is simple; a child's attitudes are formed by their parents. As Francis Xavier who was one of the co-founders the Jesuit order said, "Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man".
To teach a child to become the kind of person you wish him to be, in other words, you need to start early. Between newborn and the age of two the youngling is fixated on learning about his world from example, and having his own needs met. Feeding, changing, cuddling, etc. Psychologists have proven that a child of this age who doesn't get attention a mother normally gives her child will have severe problems in associating with others later in life.
So you have to leave them alone until they are older than two unless you have a full scale team with no other duty than to cuddle and play with them. But to train them in Jedi skills (Or for that matter, the Jesuit outlook on life), you have to break them away from that constant 'me' view to have them willing to learn. Psychological bonds are formed in that early period that have to be broken or redirected as the Jedi would have it, which is why Anakin at nine (Three years after they would normally be taken) is considered too old; he is formed emotionally as much as any human being is before puberty.
A Halloween Bash
Pre-TSL: All of the Sith Lords go to the annual Halloween ball...
I usually lambast an author for using Earth holidays (Go to Lucasforums > Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 to see why) but I didn't have the heart here, the piece was too much fun.
A couple of lines caused me to giggle. The Sith kiddies frying the stereotypical 'are we there yet' kid, the reaction of Nihilus to the building on Malastare; ' "And just look at what they have inside! They have captives--and torture chambers! They get to have all the fun." He folded his arms and proceeded to pout'. Followed by Sion's duel in the circle; 'Fi knew how to fight dirty, but Sion had a trick up his sleeve that Fi didn't expect; he fought fair and square. It took Fi completely by surprise, and Sion ended up defeating him easily because of it'.
Underneath all of the evil armor, they're just little kids, right?
Pick of the Week
Pre-TSL: How the Twin Suns came to be
The piece is an interesting back story for the Bounty Hunter pair. The end of their master was so choice: 'He screams for his security, but they do not come. The food does not agree with the commander of his soldiers. The air does not agree with the soldiers in their barracks. The virus does not agree with the security system' showing how thorough their disabling the system was.
The only quibble I have is one that actually can be applied to pretty much a lot of the Roll Playing parts of the series; The burning Twin suns would probably mean their master was on Tatooine. But considering that it is one rather unimportant planet on the Outer Rim, having everything have to go there is sort of like having every adventure go through 'Outer Hicksville'; pop 74.
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Darkness and Light
Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young Jedi reveals a dangerous power
The basics are good, and the description of how the power affects it's area well done.
My question is this; how would the Masters react if someone showed a power like this? Would they strive to find a way to develop it for use in a positive manner (Think of reviving a dozen or so unconscious men) or simply remove the child from the force?
Pre-TSL: A new haircut? Not that bright an idea...
As one of the reviewers commented, this is the 'real life intruding ' type of story. Unless you have a reason for going to a barber (An episode of Noir where Murielle is getting information from her hair dresser comes to mind) getting you hair cut is merely boring for the one being worked on. Having everyone else, customers and workers alike be hairless was cute.
Confessions of a Fool
TSL on Nar Shaddaa: If only...
The piece is very well done, looking on what the man hopes for even as he feels he cannot have it.
Five years post TSL: Revan returns to a different Republic
The piece has an interesting twist. Two depart to defend the Republic, and a different pair become a couple because of what has happened since.
The sith redemption
No specific era given: A Jedi falls
The piece had little rhyme nor reason in this first section. The Jedi doesn't even put up a fight, merely challenging, then falling to the dark side.
Mandalorians of the Old Republic
Post KOTOR: A unit of Mandalorians face the Sith
Minor grammar note. Sheer (Close) rather than shear (cut).
The battle is brisk, but doesn't quite jell. Admittedly having a dozen or so men blasting away at the same time should overload the dark Jedi and cause them to be killed, but the scene is too contrived.
A Life Twice Lived
KOTOR on Taris: The hero does what she must to survive
The piece is unique in that this one has the character dithering because she is wondering what trauma caused her to have problems with her memory. She is obsessed with it to the point that we are reading her journals.
Post TSL on Citadel Station: The Exile departs to find Revan
The piece is a lot lighter than most set at this point. Unlike Revan who is usually depicted as running off like a thief in the night, Taryn has already had the discussion of why she has to go alone, and her old shipmates seem good with it. I noticed the author used Brianna instead of Mical, but I tend to agree with him. She's much hotter and not as whiny.
the princess the exile and the bodyguard
Post TSL crossover of KOTOR And Final Fantasy 7:
Remember conversation breaks; for that matter, remember quotation marks. In the paragraph (As you wrote it) beginning with Meanwhile you have six statements that are obviously conversation, but they are crammed into a single paragraph, and only two have quotation marks. This is confusing to the readers. You should also remember to capitalize proper names so it is Shadow, Cloud, etc.
In the paragraph beginning with 'Evacuate the ship!' you have too many things happening, and you had sequencing problems. You have the escape pod launching at the same time as the missile hits, yet say it was before the missile struck. Remember that while it looks to be instantaneous when an explosion goes off (Of any kind, even Nuclear) the blast front propagates away from the detonation at a set speed, very high for a nuke. If you are inside the blast radius you are superheated plasma, and within line of sight you are hit with radiation that super-heats everything around it, which is why you have flash burns a kilometer or more away.
Only then do you have the affect you mention, the shock wave pushing the object away.
Descriptive note: The Mon Calamari is a race, not a planet (Their planet is named Dac) which is home also to the Quarren. The reason I mentioned it under description is that the Mon Cal, like the Selkath of the game, wear environmental suits when out of water. When the escape pod was discovered, the first thing they noticed should have been her race, after all, how many Goldfish or Squid do you know that walk upright and talk? Also, without knowing more about that, how would you estimate age?
There's an old Science Fiction story about an alien rampaging through a small town after a spaceship crashes. Everyone panicking as you would anticipate until the creature is finally captured. Then, as they are getting ready to get really violent with the captured being, they are told that two members of an alien race is visiting our planet, looking for their youngest daughter who was in a small ship that crashed earlier.
Suddenly the humans seeing 'her' can pick out all of the signs of immaturity to the point of saccharine sweetness.
Remember that the flow of a story is like a river. It can be as smooth as glass, as choppy as white water, but you are the one determining that course, and the smoother the flow, the easier it is for the reader to merely lay back in the water and allow it to take him where you want him to go.
It was a confusing read because of the errors listed above. It made no sense for example to exile Silver merely because she had feelings for Cloud.
The Dashing and Tragic Carth Onasi
Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two pilots bond, then are destroyed by that bond
Technical note: It makes no sense to put even basic flight school on Coruscant. One accident can take out a multi-tens of thousands skyscraper. Look at present day Miramar Puget Sound or Pensacola, one for further training, the last two for new pilots. Both of those locations are lightly occupied, meaning few if any are in danger. Whereas placing basic there is the equivalent of putting it in downtown modern day Tokyo.
Second, they would not allow a woman to follow her boyfriend from base to base, though once they were married Morgana could now be assigned housing.
The piece is well done with a lot of good back story on the relationship between the two men. But the ending makes what Saul intends too obvious. A man planning treason would not be that obvious, and Carth's reaction in the game suggests the approach was more subtle than it is portrayed here.
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