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Old 09-08-2012, 09:57 AM   #1299
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Just Like Me
Amme Moto

KOTOR on Endar Spire: The heroine gets a little unexpected help

The piece had a fun feel to it. The heroine learning over a few months to deal with the other woman in her head before the battle happens, and the byplay between the two during the battle is choice. The argument over whether to attack the Sith squad or using the droid (Which is partially overheard by Carth) sets up some interesting possibilities to me.

Pick of the Week

Third Chance
Inconspicuous Acuity

Pre KOTOR: A Republic ship heads for an ambush

A quibble about timing. As you yourself pointed out, the 'great battle' in the game came down to one ship getting shot to hell, yet yours starts with it enroute to that battle. You also leave Revan completely out of the equation of the Star Forge; Malak having a massive fleet with Revan before capture having only what she took out with her. Now I do agree that the Forge might not have been up to speed yet, or Revan (Who is the tactical Genius while Malak is the Bull in the China Shop) had been holding them back before deployment.

One thing I have never understood about the game is why the Sith hadn't been refurbing ships using parts made by the Star Forge instead of new-built ships. I know the new ships makes deployment faster, but to conceal it's capability, making spare parts would have kept the other ships in service long beyond their service life, which would make you deployment of Republic vessels taken into service by the Sith sensible.

Technical note: Read my own article over at Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! Because she isn't in her bedroom, she is in her sleeping compartment.

Military tech note; Before the formation of the US military during our Revolution, mustangs (Enlisted men who later served as officers) was a rarity, and especially in the Navy. An enlisted man, say a sergeant, might receive a battlefield promotion if a senior officer really needs the help, but when a ship came back in with only enlisted men commanding, the navy just said 'good man', and filled out the officers cadre again from those who were 'qualified'.

This is because except for the US military and the Republics that followed, you bought your commissions between 1600 and 1900. Before that it was your social rank, so a snot nosed kid who was Duke automatically outranks anyone except for the king, regardless of experience.

But in the mid 18th century the British navy began competitive exams for promotion to Lieutenant, a very important step, and what is now called 'brevet' promotions between Lieutenant and commander and post captain, what we now just call Captain. Once you had made captain however, it was all seniority. Something the army didn't do until the British government had bought up all those commissions which finally ended just as the century turned. A lot of the carnage during WWI was due to British Colonels and Generals who had bought their way to Colonel (The last purchased rank) and were then promoted due to seniority.

So far (Author's Intro and pre battle) it is pretty good.

Walk On Water

Post KOTOR: Revan goes in search of himself

The idea that Revan would try to find out at least some about his previous life is an obvious thing, but there were some odd turns in this story; the idea that the Jedi Masters just reprogrammed him to their own narrow view of the world without even attempting to wonder what had caused him to turn is interesting, as is the idea that his home world had not changed, but he didn't remember the planet.

Technical note: a ship does not have an east or west compartment, because east or west depends on the facing on a compass, not just the way the drawing oriented. That is why a vessel has port and starboard along the frames of the ship from fore to aft. Also why a house will have east and west rooms since it anchored the planet.

Players of the Old Republic
Inconspicuous Acuity

No set time: How the world reacts to the game...

The piece is funny, having one of the teens get murdered by Malak, and the parents acting as if they didn't even know. Blaming the game for all the world's evil is also perfect, considering D&D was so blamed just a few decades ago.

Star Wars A Forgotten Hero

Before Phantom Menace: A young Jedi begins his own training center.

When I looked at the prologue from your work I immediately checked the nationality. I noticed that you are American, and already out of High School, so I had expected much better.

The first problem is that there are a number of misspellings. This can be handled using a spell checker, but you also had a number of misused words that would pass a check such as fond instead of found.

The biggest problem is that there is no coherence; the prologue (Just an intro) covers his life from the streets to starting his own academy, sort of like using the entirety of Roman History to just act as a showcase for the arrival of the Christians.

You have to remember that while writing is hard work, it should be for the writer, not the reader. A reader wants you to 'tell them a story', and you have to grab their attention and keep it. Try reading a story to a child, and you will notice when their attention slips. Maybe you're using words they don't understand, or the story isn't compelling.

A reader is harder to please, because unlike the child who just has to put up with whatever you chose, the reader can put the book back on the shelf and chose something that does interest them.

So go on writing, but remember that if you don't please the reader, it doesn't matter if you publish a million words or just a simple haiku.

Inconspicuous Acuity

TSL on Dantooine: The Exile meets Revan in a vision, and deals with her own complicity

The piece was thought provoking. The primary thing she learns here is that as much as she wishes to blame Revan for her actions, she must take responsibility for what she herself had done. The confrontation with the Masters will soon follow, and she is now more composed.


Silver Splash
Evil Shall Giggle

Post TSL On Dantooine: With the adventure over, Mira must make a decision, and comes to a realization

The piece is well laid out, and I understand her fascination with fountains and rain combined. Her thoughts are clearly expressed; her feeling for Dain (The Exile) are clearly the love soldiers have for a good leader, but her feelings for Atton are more primal. As the author said in the last line, because Mira tends to run away from her feelings rather than confronting them.

Pick of the Week

Touring the Ship

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Canderous walks the ship and his memories

The piece was written for a KFM challenge, 'lies'. You can feel his loss and his new displeasure as he does. He remembers the ship in three incarnations; as Davik's smuggler/yacht, under Revan's command, and now under the Exile, and the new crew comes out second best, barely ahead of the thugs who had been the crew under Davik.

Like any old warrior, he like remember the challenge best, and thinks the new crew will never measure up. While he lied to Kreia, claiming he had never been on board, compared to what is there now, it wasn't munch of one.

Pick of the Week

Rule #1
Jedi Valius

Post TSL on Ossus: Rule #1: Never let anyone near you...ever.

The piece was interesting, like the old west bit where the old gunfighter has to fight that one enemy before he dies. As SS said, a pity you set it on a dead planet. But move it to anywhere else, and it works well. Hell, one thing I try to do is create one new planet in every one of my works so that we don't end up yet again on Dantooine or Tatooine.

I loved it right up until Mira got killed, and Rule one came back to haunt Atton yet again.

I had to agree with RPT; you went to all the trouble to create this nemesis Atton had to confront, yet all we see of him in the final confrontation is Atton attacking him, then him dead, so no vengeance is gained. I didn't feel his self imposed mission was worth Mira's life.

Pick of the Week

A Miraluka Never Lies
Bald As Malak

TSL Aboard Ravager: Visas comes to e revelation, and knows she must do the unthinkable; She must lie.

The piece takes an in depth look at the Miraluka society and values. To a people interconnected to the Force, there can be no lies, but as she survives the death of her race, then bonds herself to Nihilus rather than merely die. Her search leads her to the thought that there is something beyond the Force, where every lie she has been told by her society and situation will be no more. So she goes in search of the Exile not to kill or to join, she goes to die.

Pick of the Week


TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Don't tell Atton about your chocolate stash... Just as Mira!

The piece is funny with a couple times where you're sure either Mira has shot him or at least came close. His attemptys at explanations don't help, as he just gives her another reason to be mad.

Beauty and the Scoundrel

Originally reviewed 8 December 2006 at Lucasforums. That review is below:

After TSL: Sometimes the best way to get people together is with a little force...

There are some words usage issues, but nothing major. The basic idea as one of the characters said is as old as time, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work.

Reprise Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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