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Old 09-15-2012, 01:53 PM   #1301
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Origins of Pain
Imaginary Fiend

Pre TSL: With Malak dead, and Revan redeemed, there is room at the top

Others have commented on grammar errors, so I won't. This shows a side of Sion you only barely see in the game, that he had a lady love of his own in the Academy who died there. Also that when he left the Korriban Academy, he was only fleeing, not putting a crown on his own head.

Well done

Eru Melin

Originally posted at Galactic Senate, Coruscant Theatre 22 Dec 2006 under the name Emalin. That review slightly altered, is below:

TSL on Malachor V: The duel between Atton and the Disciple

During TSL: Atton and the Disciple face off in one of the many cut scenes.

The constant driving himself to attack makes Atton look not only real, but a little deranged. Very well done.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Atton's Unexpected Detour
Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: How Atton ended up on Peragus

The piece is fun, and perfectly believable. The idea of a Twi-Lek female, the epitome of sexual attraction wanting to find a man who wants her for her mind was even more fun. Ending up on Peragus and finding a card game fit well.

Pick of the Week

Evil Shall Giggle

Pre KOTOR: A girl gets a chance to see the world as the Jedi see it

The primary problem I had was the idea that only Jedi have midichlorians. From the description given as to what they are, it suggests they are all pervasive; like the flu virus. While the same virus would be a benign inhabitant in some, it would cause others to get ill.

There is also no evidence that a transfusion of blood from a Jedi would give you the same capabilities. If there were, I could see a black market arising where they are kidnapped and drained.

Love Should Be A Rifle

TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk: HK tries to define life and love

The piece is an amusing little jaunt, and his decision, that he has to keep Bao-Dur alive, if only to maintain his rifle, is funny.

Kreia's Loathing

Pre TSL: Kreia's musing on the thing she hates the most

Here Kreia is just frustrated as we all get with life. As a Jedi she had tried and failed to make changes, then as a Sith. Now she is determined to change something even if it kills her.

Lady Revan

KOTOR enroute to the Star Forge: Carth has to face his own feelings

The piece is excellent as is most of LR's work. Considering where it started, I wish I could read the other thirty-odd chapters.

Pick of the Week

The Mishaness

TSL on Malachor V: Only then does she realize...

The piece is short, but the feeling strong. Holding the body of the man she finally admits she loved was poignant.

The Adventures of Bastila Shan

Post KOTOR: With Revan now gone on his quest, Bastila finds she must flee herself.

The piece was interesting, albeit short. The ship made me think of friends I used to have that never got around to fixing their cars even as they still drove them.

The Legend of the Grey Knight
Darth Shihiro

Your opening paragraph was far too long. Remember that a paragraph should deal with only one idea. By my count, it covered four.

Some confusing sentence structure and lack of punctuation; As an example, 'It is said you have passed with honors every single one of the assassin tests thrown at you and that is something that I Lord Leon can advance to a level that will make the mere mention of your name to those pathetic Jedi a death sentence'. would read better as;

'It is said you have passed every single one of the assassin tests thrown at you with honors. That is something that I, Lord Leon can advance to a level that will make the mere mention of your name to those pathetic Jedi a death sentence'.

The other problem is flow. Think of a river; your story should flow smoothly from place to place, taking the reader with it. Overly long paragraphs or confusing sentences are like sand bars snagging the reader and dragging them to a stop.

The piece is intriguing, but I don't know if the Sith carry over the 'Padawan' into their lexicon since all you ever hear the Dark Jedi calling a student is 'apprentice'.

Star Wars: Combat Evolved

Decades after KOTOR: A young scientist makes a discovery

The piece was intriguing, but disjointed. There is no explanation for who the aliens were or why they even attacked the planet. I had considered that they might be the Yuuzhan Vong originally, but the description didn't match

The Hopes of the Republic
Kendoka Girl

You had a redundant 'sir' in Trask's reply. The problem is, this is a way to insult a senior officer without the man having a reason to get irritated by it.

Technical note: According to the Wookiepedia, the class of the Endar Spire is a frigate, a much smaller class of vessel than a battle cruiser. One problem I have had with the whole SW series has been that they use very few class designations; sticking with blastboat (What I would define as a gunboat instead) corvette frigate and cruiser. There is no given class for either the Star Destroyer or Super Star Destroyer for example.

Fighters: Until the Imperial era, fighters were not hyperspace capable. They were using rings in the Clone war era, but we have not seen those in the game era 4,000 years earlier. Since the Leviathan is only about half the size of the Star Destroyer (Which carries 72 fighters) having 300 begs the question of what carried them all to the battle.

Melee weapons; A melee weapon is a class of weapon, not a specific tool. It can be fists, clubs, knives, even guns used to club someone with. While the game had Trask give this instruction, merely putting away his blaster and drawing his sword would be enough instruction.

The piece is well done, and the battle scenes aboard the Endar Spire flowed very well. The disjointed thoughts; confused when she awakes, then remembering her time in the academy, picking up a sword and only then remembering that she was class champion does make her an interesting character to watch.

I just wish I had time to read it all.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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