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Old 09-30-2012, 02:15 AM   #1303
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Neverwinter Nights: Show me your face!

Non-SW: a Revelation and a plot

R-S, you need to remember to sight edit, you jumped tenses, forgot to finish words, and used the wrong word enough that it was extremely noticeable.

The premise is not new; in the Japanese Anime Vandread the Doctor Duella McFile constantly wears his long hair down over half of his face, and in the very last episode Pyway, a young teenage girl of the crew finally does what all of the female crew has wanted to do from not day one but maybe after the first few months, she slaps the hair out of the way to see what he really looks like.

There is also the Taxation minister in the series Story of Saiunkoku who constantly wears a mask, and actually changed his name Kijin, Japanese for Eccentric, though in the English voice version they use 'weirdo' because of that affectation. When someone claims he might not even be the real man, it is revealed that he is so attractive even men fall in love with him when they see his face.

But trying to make money from his looks... That was new.


One Big Happy Family

Pre Mandalorian Wars AU: What a perfectly dysfunctional family...

Co-authored by Walruseater and HK47FAN

Minor editing problems, read instead of red for the Droid's eye, and good instead of food

The piece was funny in a Married With Children kind of way. Nihilus eating a lekku, Sion getting beaten up because he hangs around with the Sith kids, just a typical family... Not. I wanted to sick my finger down my throat when the adults were lovey-dovey just like Sion mimed. The sadistic droid was a fun touch.

Jaina Solo

TSL, no specific date given: A look into the mind of Nihilus...

Like a lot of JS's work this is thought provoking. It is not surprising that he would start small, or that his hunger was addictive. But it was interesting in that he does not consider himself a Sith, only a hunger. I believe that this is what the Masters think will happen to the Exile; but maybe they are sensing him rather than her (My Exile was female).

Pick of the Week

Relationship Issues
Darth Kronos

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk on Dantooine: Covering his butt in more ways than one...

I ran into this story, then had to laugh all the way through it. The internal monologue about women at the first started me off, and his having to use Mira's shirt to cover his groin was fun. The story reminded me of a scene from Terry Pratchett's A Hat Full of sky when a character named Rob Anybody asks in Tiffany Aching wants the truth or a great lie, since the lie had dragons in it.

But that last line, as a guy, was not only enjoyable, even if it was a low blow.

Pick of the Week

No Longer a Jedi

five years pre TSL: The General now Exile seen through Kavar's eyes

The piece is sad, and the saddest part is why they are calling it a trial, it is more a sentencing. The scenes in the Council chamber from the game come across as more forceful in that she didn't really anticipate her Exile, or the fact that her emotions about Kavar could only be expressed this one time.

Pick of the Week

Ice Roses: Found

PostTSL: The Jedi draw unwanted attention, to the detriment of those who aided them.

The piece is flowing well, the interplay with HK what you would expect. HK I think would goad someone into a fight mainly because he's being restrained by his owners, and like a bully, wants to be able to say the other person started it. The attack is short and to the point, as is the bombing of the farm house.


Post TSL: He won't let go, and it's the only way he can make sure

I think you meant cockpit canopy, not hanger doors.

The piece was sad, and you can feel the emotions on both sides as she tries to bid him goodbye. As does happen occasionally, the author surprised me with the ending.

Pick of the Week

Facing My Failure

Tsl aboard Ebon Hawk: Will he be satisfied with just that?

The piece is disjointed, but even there it flows. The Exile is nerve wracking in her decision to keep to her own warped course, and subrors Atton readily.

The Mandalorian Wars
Deralian Shadow

Early Mandalorian Wars: Canderous has to deal with a problem child

You need to remember to sight edit, you used the wrong word several times but it looks more like you were just in a writing fugue and didn't bother to look to see what you had written. Not a big problem; I do the same thing when the scene is flying in my head.

Your treatment of the Mandalorians as a people is uneven. I liked that you had them eager to take the women and children not as slaves, but as wives and recruits; but from then on it sort of fell apart. Constantly cuffing or tranquilizing a child is not going to make the kid obedient and attentive, that is done with discipline a little less severe. And the idea that you just shoot the kid because she is crying or giving up after only a few days doesn't fit either. Also the idea that they would ignore their own injured personnel or merely shoot the sick out of hand makes them a little too casually brutal.

If you look at historical warrior societies, you will see that they were as human as any other with some changes in how they raised their kids, but nothing as major as what you portray. I even wrote an article comparing my view of them on Lucasforums, LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > How to understand the Mandalorians.

The custom of the Deralians wearing some kind of covering their faces makes me think this is Revan, and it would explain the mask of later years. But such a custom would come from somewhere, so why?

An interesting beginning to a nine chapter work.

Misfit Christmas

Post KOTOR: Christmas For Dummies is right

Remember that Star Wars always starts with 'Long ago, in a Galaxy Far, far away'. This means the holiday you're portraying is in the future, not the past.

Read my article on holidays; Lucasforums > Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 to see what I mean.

Other than that, I thought it was funny, knowing you are supposed to have decorations and a tree without the faintest clue as to what they are supposed to consist of. It is sort of reminiscent of the Futurama Christmas episode where they use a palm tree because pines are extinct.

Lunar Lando IV Rogue Commies Rising
Supreme Dakari Lord Cerventes

AU: The Commies return, this time to the moon

The piece has serious writing flaws, misspellings, improper terms, even temporal disruptions etc.

First, while Reagan was President was elected in, he didn't take office until 1985. The Berlin Wall did not come down until 1989 and Communism is still alive and well outside the old Soviet Union. Holographic technology was in it's infancy at that time, so no holographic phone.

As for the Iraq war, the first figure you gave, 450 million would be (If I just counted Arabs) everyone living from Pakistan West to the Pillars of Hercules, and the smaller number given (456,000) is four times what lists. I myself refuse the premise of that site that everyone killed in that conflict is automatically the fault of one side, as claiming a car bomb planted by a terrorist that killed is our fault for being there is a specious argument. By that definition all 70 million odd deaths in WWII are automatically our fault, including everyone killed by the Germans.

Time in the Suds
Fall Out Guirl

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Even the dour Carth is still a child at heart...

The only problem I had with it was the idea that there was a tub bath on the ship, especially since the author said it was a shower at first. But just picturing that humorless man sitting in a bubble bath, playing with toys like any kid made me laugh. It reminded me of the movie Spaceballs where Dark Helmet is playing with the Spaceballs action figures.

Pick of the Week

Swimming With Gizka

KOTOR on Tatooine: Why does Revan have to deal with the infestation?

Some grammar problems, wined instead of whined for instance, or improper words, costal when I think you meant postal.

The piece is funny because everyone expects Revan to fix the problem. Of course in the game everything where you need a decision is left up to the main character so that is understandable. How he fixes it is a riot.

Pick Of the Week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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