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Old 10-28-2012, 11:35 AM   #1307
machievelli
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The Exploits of Darth Revan

Star-Wars Kotor III: The Exile's Redemption
Dream-forger

Start of a New KOTOR: Having fallen to the Dark side, the Exile gets another chance at redemption

You have problems with grammar, the wrong words being used; smirked instead of smirk, wander instead of wonder, that kind of thing. This is easily fixed by sight editing as every one I noticed was usually something that would pass a spell check. Since I did not have time to read it all, I read the first and last chapters, but you had that same problem in both.

The story is good, and I especially liked the scene in the first chapter where good people are being dragged to the dark side just because of their force bonds. And the idea that Love will redeem you.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR: The Power of Choice
Sith Lord Darth Revan

Pre KOTOR: Revan is defeated, but was he?

The piece is very well done, and the battle scenes superb. There was one issue that I will address below in the technical comments. The efforts to save the man's life is perfectly counterpointed by her considering that she could have merely put him out of his misery only after the efforts brings him back from the brink.

Technical note, Rules of Land Warfare: While shooting wounded men as you advance is, by definition, a crime under the rules, it is one usually punished by reprimand during an attack. As you are charging forward, and trying to complete your mission, you are considering that wounded man as a threat able to shoot you in the back. It is only afterward, when the enemy ship is secured, or the advance has halted, only then do you get rid of the adrenaline, and now consider that wounded enemy trooper as someone who like you, was fighting for a cause.

That is why if you're not charging forward on the offensive, shooting the wounded is punished severely. It's the difference between shooting someone who can shoot you in the back, and walking into a field hospital and walking down the row shooting all of the enemy troops, the difference between being full of adrenaline, and killing someone in cold blood.

Pick of the Week

Oh, How Ever Did You Survive Without Me?

Attack of the Clones
Amme Moto

KOTOR on Korriban: Sometimes the only way to convince others is to make them come along.

The piece is interesting because it's linked to a story I have not yet read that precedes it, and the premise, that something can link two times together was fun. The idea of our friend Revan dealing with Obi Wan Kenobi as a child, and now as a young Padawan makes me wish I could read it all.

Pick of the Week

STARWARS: KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC
Prfan

20 years Post KOTOR: The daughter of Revan faces the Son of Malak

Remember conversation breaks; it is hard for a reader to keep track if he isn't sure who is talking.

I had problems with the way it was written because you pretty much had the masters say; 'we knew of the problem, but you have to deal with it, oh, yeah, here's your team'.

Star Wars: The True Sith
Charles Lamont

The style is confusing, and there is a flow, but it's like being caught in the water after a whirlpool ends, being thrown one way or the other with no rhyme nor reason to it. The fight scenes have no coherence and tend to be confusing. As an example of things that don't make sense, you have a disabled ship in orbit, and it is attacked by a fleet. In a case like that you do not blithely go about repairing it until assassins board; you scuttle and abandon ship.

Also, if you had disabled their shielding and they know you're close enough to board, they will have people at the docking bays and hanger deck. Landing 30 craft completely unnoticed is as believable as the old Douglas Adams radio show where a Kamikaze dives on a carrier, lands, gets out, goes to the bathroom, then takes off again.

Technical notes: You didn't need the term ninja in the description of the weapon. Merely calling it a throwing star would get the idea across. Also, you had one character using a Klingon sword without saying you were doing a crossover.

One person flamed you and I understand why. You characters are cardboard cutouts that have no dimension to them. Your pilot to Korriban is sort of reminiscent of Han Solo, but Han accepted the commission to fly Luke and Ben to Alderaan with no questions asked. But he was actually the one character with some depth, but even that was almost nonexistent.

My advice is to work on description, characterization, and flow. Read some actual books by published authors where you have fight scenes, either infantry or naval.

You need work kid, a lot more work.

Femslash KOTOR

Later
Yggi

KOTOR Enroute from Lehon to the Star Forge: Juhani focuses on one brief moment of happiness, and what is to come if they survive the battle

Except for one kiss, I don't even know why it's labeled fem-slash. Both my KOTOR work and TSL work had elements that could more realistically be called that; In both I created an Echani bond where you can become sisters (My Female Exile and Brianna, since I really loath the Disciple) or a married same sex couple (Where My female Revan asks Bastila to join with her).

The piece is tightly written, and flows well.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Pieces of a Whole
Tatooine92

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: After his past with her, can the Exile forgive and forget?

The piece pans through three meetings of the Exile and Atton, when they are both children, when he shoots but doesn't kill her after the Mandalorian Wars, and then when she accepts him as her apprentice. I thoroughly enjoyed him as a kid, wanting to look tough, a kid of nine thinking he looks twelve!

I had a problem with forgiving and forgetting, but that's just me.

Pick of the Week

Ice Roses: Libitina
Skyeprism

PostTSL: The team picks up another member after a bar fight

Remember, you blockade a planet. You would barricade a neighborhood. The sentence 'and therefore not necessary to step in' is incomplete. You have the same problem I sometimes do of forgetting to finish them.

Ice Roses: Base
Skyeprism

PostTSL: The team needs to get some codes, but to do that...

A consul is an adviser, you meant console, as in an operating system access.

The story is flowing well, and the byplay, such as Corran being shocked when she killed the Sith, but unwilling to admit it was fun. The scene Kiraboros described was also choice, like the acrimony between the Disciple and Atton regarding a female Exile.

Agony
Chemist

TSL, No specific period given: As he watches Atton and the Exile, Mical remembers another woman he loved and lost.

The piece is an unrelieved darkness. Inside Mical is something as dark and dangerous as anything Atton might have done, and the Exile could be the catalyst for it's birth.

Losing Battles
Chemist

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk No Specific period given: When it comes to a battle of wits, he might as well be unarmed

I liked the piece because Mical actually comes across as someone I might have known and liked. It's good that someone out there actually likes the guy and is willing to use his created personality to convince us to try to like him.

Pick of the Week

An Easy Contract
Jaina Solo

Pre TSL on Nar Shaddaa: There's a reason Mira brings them in alive...

The piece was shocking in it's own way and very well written. The scene reminded me of Morell's 'Fraternity of the Stone'. The main character in that work loses his family to terrorist violence, is taken in by a friend of his father, and trained as an assassin. On his last assignment, he has two kills less than a day apart that must be recorded on the same roll of film; an oil company rep, and one we later find is the Ayatollah Koumeni. It's an attempt to destroy opposition to the Shah.

He makes his first kill, shooting the man as he is driving through the mountains in Europe, and as the car goes off the embankment, a child is thrown from the car and survives. He is so shocked that he doesn't go on to the other kill, instead he joins a charter house of the Carthusian order which practices cenobitic monasticism. This is where he begins the novel when the Agency that employed him discovers he is still alive, and sends men to kill him.

The only thing I didn't like, was that Mira didn't turn around and blow her client away at the end.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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