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Old 11-04-2012, 09:43 AM   #1308
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Medieval Conquest CHAPTER 1

NSW set in the mid 16th century: After his mother is taken by bandits, a young man goes to rescue her.

Most of the problems are technical, except for these:

Remember that a paragraph is defined as one completed idea. Your first paragraph is actually three different thoughts; the attack, the treatment, and his intent to go after them.

Remember conversation breaks as well. It is hard for the reader to follow when you have everything compressed as you do.

Technical: The Medieval period actually ended in 1492, at the start of the renaissance.

The term medic is modern, it was coined in the First World War when partially trained soldiers were assigned to treat and transport the wounded from the battle field. As for seeing a doctor, you have to remember that every family member old enough to understand knew what we would now call basic first aid, so he would not have had to go to a doctor. He would more likely have slathered the burn with grease (The method used at the time).

While having the king send some of his soldiers along, that didn't make real sense. At that time, a peasant or tradesman was expected to stay at home and do his duty, the soldiers would have been sent without him. He is more important economically at his trade rather than running around the forest. And while he might be allowed to accompany them, that would make him the underling rather than commander as you might imply.

Long time no see.

Star wars knights of the old republic Return of the jedi

Post TSL: A new danger arises on the horizon for the weary Republic.

Since the author is Lett, I posted it in that language so he would understand it more readily. In case you're wondering, there is a site that pays you to browse websites named ALot which has a translator attached to it with about forty different languages and alphabets to match. Check it out. If you really want to know what I said, use a translator and check it out. The language is Lithuanian.

However if you have spent more than a month reading my reviews, and can speak English, you can probably tell what I said without all of that...


Aš nežinau, kaip gerai, ar vertimas yra čia, aš naudoju vertėjas, pridedamas prie tinklalapį, pavadintą partija, kuri turi funkciją kaip jo dalis siūlomų įrankių juostoje.

Aš einu, kad galėtumėte tai tiesiogiai į mano kitą peržiūrą vietoje, todėl jūs bent jau galimybę suprasti savo kritiką, aš nematau reali problema su savo darbo už tai, kad jūs, atrodo, kad kai kurie, bet ne suvokti daug anglų kalba. Aš siūlyčiau, kad jūs paprašykite kitų rašytojų beta skaitytojas siūlų, sklandžiai. Tai nėra kritika savo kalbos įgūdžius, be šios programos aš net ne bandyti rašyti sakinį Lett.

Aš norėčiau pasiūlyti padaryti tai už jus, tačiau jei aš beta skaityti ir ją ištaisyti, aš nesu pasiruošęs jį peržiūrėti vėliau


Good Guy

Pre- Mandalorian Wars: And this guy becomes a hero in the game, right?

Like any man who had a rough life growing up, he made some choices that make him less than stellar in his relationships. The part about joining the Army just so he can destroy things was choice. He's such a bad person it's good.

Just A Kid

Mandalorian Wars Era: Scenes from Hell in a child's mind

The piece has a gritty feel of reality. You could change the name of the enemy to any from our own rather bloody past, during any sack of a city, and it would feel just as real. The brother being killed casually while rare in real life, does happen. It is no wonder that Atton considers the Jedi as much an enemy as the ones who carried it out.

Pick of the Week

The Deal

Pre TSL: When he's caught, Atton didn't expect a deal

As Plutospawn said, I tend to not like present tense. However the in depth in your face feel of this work makes is something I can accept, and enjoy. The idea of stealing something that seems so minor and finding out it is really important to the one you stole it from reminds me of the Movie Adventures in Babysitting, where a kid steals a playboy magazine, not realizing that a very important document is inside it...

Pick of the Week

Atton and the Author in His head

TSL No specific period given: Don't mess with the author...

The piece blind-sided me. I expected some looking into the mind of the character followed by some angst work. Instead I had a pushy author looking into a character's mind and pretty much expecting him to jump through hoops. If you have ever seen the episode of the original Twilight Zone, it seemed like a light hearted version of the Episode 'Shadow Play' where a man sentenced to die is really reliving over and over the same nightmare.

Pick of the Week

Kotorfanmedia as been up and down this last week, It was up obviously long enough for me to review four there, but is down again, so I will review two extra from Fanfiction.

Was finally able to reconnect to the main thread of Fanfiction again. It was due, I discovered, to the fact that the site navigation has several different ways to connect to different portions of the same thing with stories in each section that are not accessible directly. I finally figured it out after I posted my latest piece; a Bloodrayne story and took two days to find it.

His Bitter Sweet End

KOTOR on Star Forge: Carth has to make one more try to save her

Remember conversation breaks. The only reason I was able to follow the thread of the conversation was because you broke it after each paired comment.

The story is a pretty but sad way for the saga to end. As the dark lord she cannot be bothered by love ever again.

Her Darkest Days

Post KOTOR on Star Forge: Follow on to His Bitter Sweet End. Haunted by killing him, she now seeks redemption by confronting the ultimate evil

Except for the idea that the Sith merely sit around and do nothing without their Dark Lord commanding them, it was an excellent piece. The mourning and brooding took long enough that you can see that except for that last quest that may redeem her in death, she has nothing remaining to live for.

Pick of the Week

The Unknown World How It Should Have Happened

KOTOR on Lehon: What if it were a snowy planet, and one of your own might be a traitor?

Some odd sentence structure; 'She didn't alert much of her attention towards me' should be divert, since alert would imply her full attention. 'He turned the rifle on the rarely used safety feature.' Should be to keep the attitude, He set the rarely used safety.

The by play between the characters was what made this a fun read. The other Jeid and HK berating Carth, Mission wondering who insulted Zaalbar's cooking (The only reason she could see for the sudden silence) and everyone ignoring any attempt by Oak(Revan) to reconcile. It reminded me of a scene from an old Movie of the Week named 'Sole Survivor' when an investigator sent to examine a wreck from WWII takes off. The guide asks the senior officer if there is anything else to do, and William Shatner, that man turns, and snarls, 'Why ask me? I'm only the man in charge!'.

It's 17 chapters long, and I wish I could have read it all.

Pick of the Week


You forgot conversation breaks again. I think from seeing it not happen in the last work I reviewed, but did in the first and this one, that it is more likely that you are writing faster than you can keep up with, and you missed them because of that. Don't take that negatively, I do the same thing. It's an editing problem more than anything else.

It's encountered, not in countered. You use the word nearly several times as in nearly hitting, but suggesting by context that both Sion and the Exile had been hit, rather than strikes being blocked.

Having Atton arrive as the Exile seems doomed is a nice plot twist, as is having him throw his lightsaber to her rather than use it to defend himself.

Snakes And Gizka

KOTOR on Tatooine: Another of Jolee's stories has Revan even more confused than normal.

Some improper word usage, rescues instead of rescued, thought instead of though, bedside manor instead of bedside manner. And as much as I loved the idea of the Tach throwing it, the Wookiepedia defines poodoo as bantha fodder, not feces.

So He Was Right

Post TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Atton is nothing if not persistant

It was a cute little piece, the Exile spending weeks depressed about having killed Kreia, and Atton as he always is being pushy about getting her over it. The last line was just icing on the cake. Short, but fun.

Pick of the Week

What it Means to You
Amme Moto

KOTOR on Lehon: Carth has to make a decision

This was a rather unique way to look at the situation, that when Revan fell to the Dark side part of her broke away, and is now living in her head. The confusion about what name should be given to the woman also made sense, since the confusion was caused by Carth's being of two minds about it.

Rori Homecoming
Mike Taurguss

Post Revenge of the Sith: A failed Jedi visits home, and begins to create a new identity.

The piece is long, the trail from visiting his now destroyed home to his new identity long and convoluted. The author has a good grasp of what it would be like trying to pass through what is pretty much a no man's land, reliving how it had been was heart rending.

Very good read. A pity the author only did the one Star Wars story.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 11-06-2012 at 08:46 AM.
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