View Single Post
Old 11-17-2012, 11:07 PM   #7
Akyra
Lurker
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 7
Well, I don't know if there are other Frenchies beside the two of us, but I'm sure there must be plenty of different countries represented here.

So, anyway, read the second entry and here are my thoughts, written down as I read it.

Revan saying he is a genius sounds a little arrogant. You'd expect at least Kreia, if not Aren, to scold him for it, since pride is not encouraged by the Jedi. She does mention later on that he is arrogant, but you'd expect her to still say something about Revan thinking he is a genius (whether that is true or not is irrelevant if she is trying to teach him humility).

"Good." She said while ignoring her apprentice's feelings.


You don't really need to specify "while", I think it would sound better if you wrote "She said, ignoring her apprentice's feelings".

Revan leaved the room


Aah, these pesky irregular verbs ! But it's "Revan left the room".

"she didn't left the room"

...And now it's the opposite, "she didn't leave the room".
Be careful with verb tenses, I've noticed a few more occurrences of that kind of mistakes. Don't sweat it, I only mentioned it because I thought you might want to correct it.

The mistakes I mentioned are not a big deal, just something you need to work on, but your writing is already pleasant to read. I like the structure of your sentences.

Regarding the story itself, nothing much to say - so far I like how it's headed. It's interesting that Aren Kae's idealism might have contributed to Revan's downfall, although our down-to-earth Kreia is obviously not helping much either.

I was surprised that you mentioned Kreia's blindness - is she already blind at that time ? I don't know much about the Kotor universe, beyond what was said in the games and comics, so I don't know if her being blind already is canon or not. I always thought she lost her sight when she joined the Sith, but that was just a guess.

So, I'm curious to see where you'll be taking this story !
Akyra is offline   you may: quote & reply,