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Old 11-18-2012, 01:09 AM   #1310
machievelli
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Star wars the gentle broken promise
Revan sama

Flashbacks to Pre-Mandalorian wars: It started so simply...

The piece has a nice feel to it, and Akyra made some good points; things I would have said, so I won't repeat them. You questioned if anyone can help you with wording grammar etc, and if you look in the Beta reader thread, you should be able to find someone.

Medieval Conquest CHAPTER 2
Scorge

Continuation of NSW set in the mid 16th century: The hunters camp overnight and have a mysterious visitor

The paragraph style is better, but remember, one idea at a time. So in the first you should have them setting up camp, Jordan remembering getting the slack cut for his years of work, and the frustration. But little else. The rest is technical,

Technical: Posse operations. What you have here is like an Old West Posse chasing the bandits. While you're calling them 'elites', they're on foot, which suggests that they are scouts and woods runners. An elite unit even if it is only the title would more likely have been mounted, because you have to travel faster than those you hunt to have a chance to catch them.

Such a group would carry as much food and water as possible, and not even think of hunting until that begins to run low. Also, even if your leader decided to hunt, he would have limited the size of what you were to catch. A wild boar averages between ten pounds for a piglet, up to a couple of hundred for a full grown male. Shooting a full grown boar would be wasteful, something the people of the time could ill afford even in the best of seasons; a squad (between six and eight) of men would eat only about fourteen or so pounds of meat, meaning the rest is going to be wasted; not a promotional bell ringer for whoever is in charge when they return.

Even more important, wild pigs travel in family groups, so hunting a piglet means you'll probably have to fight the mother or senior male. Boar hunting is a dangerous sport, and they even make specialized spears for it because a full grown boar will kill anything from the size of a horse down when attacked. The best way to hunt them is on foot with boar spears, which have a wide bar below the blade to keep him far enough away that he won't kill you even as he is dying.

Technical: Cooking. Cooking over an open fire is nothing like using a stove or oven. The meat would not be ready in the time frame you give unless the animal is a lot smaller, and pork is one meat even then they did not try to eat half-cooked. Pork was usually smoked or cured back then to avoid parasites and disease. Pigs are subject to too many diseases that men can catch, and a lot of people died from eating tainted meat back then if they forgot that.

Technical: Guard duty. As much as you want the main character to see the phantom woman first, no group of guards is going to automatically assume that a civilian is qualified. Bandits will assume that they might be pursued, so they are going to be watching their back trail carefully.

Putting someone who as we see does fall asleep on guard is a recipe for disaster. All the bandits would have to have done is place a couple of men watching for pursuit for this to have been a quick ambush. Think of a patrol of US grunts from the Vietnam era chasing some Viet Cong that hit a village; They know you will trail them if you can, and they are fully trained to bloody your nose if you try.

The phantom woman is the most intriguing aspect you have created.

Keep at it, kid.

KoTOR 3 : Schism
Akyra

Post TSL: What now?

The piece is well written, and the flaws you pointed out yourself are the major problem with the work. I hope you find a beta, as this looks interesting

In the KOTOR games, the Council seemed to me to be hung up on what is called a Rickover's Paradox. When she wrote Star Trek II; The Wrath of Khan, Vonda McIntyre came up with the classic one. You are a military officer, and are in a life raft with someone whom you judge to be worthless to society. There is enough food and water to keep one of you alive for a couple of weeks. How do you convince that worthless person to leave the raft to you?

The entire view of such a paradox is absurd on it's face; as I pointed out a couple of times in my own Wrath of the Witch Maiden, a professional military man's primary job description is to put himself between an enemy and the people he protects. No one ever said you had the right to pick and choose who deserved your protection; the instant you took the oath they became someone you would die for, regardless of how 'important' you happen to be in terms of time and money spent learning your trade.

Thorüsa: Prologue
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: A young girl voluntarily enters Limbo. But at what price?

Well she's back, and just as good as ever. The basics, that her equivalent of Limbo is accessible from the mortal realm is an interesting thought. Unlike my own Devil work, her universe beyond life is pretty much clear cut; go to heaven, and you no longer worry about those you left behind, go to hell, and you have too many problems to worry about them. But if those in her version of limbo can still work to help those who remain in life, why not try it?

My biggest worry for the main character is my own studies of Religious history, specifically the Inquisitors from whatever time. Sure he can hide her sleeping body, but everyone who has ever faced the inquisition believed they were innocent until the priests changed the rules.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia Is still down, so I have a dozen from Fanfiction again this week

Fanfiction.net

Reunion with a PigMan
The King's Lover

Post KOTOR: Revan has finally returned. But what kind of reunion awaits?

The piece is a fun bit of fluff; Revan literally sneaking up on Carth, having fun with his reactions at her voice, then the reunion. A basic Generic 'and they all lived happily ever after' ending. But still fun.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars KOTOR III: The Fall Of The Republic
It Was Written

5 years Post TSL: The Republic struggles toward healing as a young hopeful approaches Dantooine

I read past the prologue before checking if the author was ESL (English as a Second Language) because there were too many words that had been spelled as if the author was spelling what they heard without knowing how it as actually spelled. But there was no joy; the profile did not give me a nation of entry. Still I have to assume ESL, so here goes;

I will not correct spelling or grammar, because that assumes you know English. The basics are good, and I read into the second chapter intentionally to see if it was an ongoing problem, which it is, suggesting as I said above ESL. The scene is reminiscent of Jedi Academy II. The only parts missing would be dealing with the nosy neighbor (Your character) intrigued by the light saber and being shot down enroute.

Remember that a lot of scenes in any movie or story are taken from other older works, so this is not meant as insulting; if you look at Beverly Hills Cop, every scene is a generic take from earlier works filtered by the actors who played the characters. Keep up the good work.

My primary negative is with the title because as an example, the French, who have gone through a cycle of republic, empire, monarchy, republic, then again to Empire has shown, the people are willing to admit they have slipped, which Star Wars has not. France is now into the Fourth Republic for those of you paying attention, whereas according to Kenobi, there was never such a cycle before he met Luke.

True Love
Lossefalme

Post KOTOR: HK on a rampage

Technical: Programming. If you use the term 'terminator' instead of HK47, the basics fall apart. First, during the first movie, you only see the terminator diverging from 'kill Sarah Connor' only when it kills the girl's roommate, assuming she is Sarah. Only then does a subroutine, 'let's check who she knows' click in, meaning it searches for her ID picture and address book, which leads to the death of Sarah's mother.

A robot or droid is programmed for what it will do; be it 'kill everyone in the room' to 'kill this one person, and verify he is dead'. Unlike a biological entity, there is no 'should I do this' in the mix, but that mix can be preprogrammed to add it. You would have to have contemplated torture in your mix, and have set guidelines to allow it under specific conditions. This shows in your work, but a bit late by my definition.

Technical: range. Assume a bullet. This is necessary because a bolt of plasma as you have from a blaster is line of sight; I.E., standing on level ground on a flat plain. A plasma bolt will be able to hit something at only 35 kilometers (22 miles, the distance to the horizon). A projectile can hit over the horizon using a ballistic curve but it takes time for it to travel that distance. Sure a missile can hot something a couple of hundred kilometers away, but you don't use ballistic missiles or rockets against a moving target and assume pinpoint accuracy.

Like Father Like Son
Handmethatcookie

Post KOTOR: Revan deals with the last of the Onasi boys...

There were only three problems I had with this work; it's rigid instead of ridged. That Revan didn't recognize Dustil until he told her who his father was, and that Dustil was stupid enough that he actually believed Revan would fight him instead of just killing him. But it was fun to read.

Why Malak is an Idiot
Gravaja Umbros

Pre KOTOR: It could happen...

I had assumed what really happened before I read it, but it was still funny. But I can also picture a Jedi master instructing his students on light sabers saying, 'remember, this is a deadly weapon. I don't care if you're scruffy or not, so don't try to shave with it'.

Pick of the Week

Another for Old Times
Faelyn Leaf

KOTOR on Manaan: Advice to the lovelorn...

The piece is just a generic slice of life for a guy who isn't sure what to do about his girl. Two guys discussing it and deciding how to correct the problem.

The argument about what the late wife's name is actually makes sense; a footnote is not fact.

Dancing Out of Tune
Inconspicuous Acuity

Mandalorian War era: Atris doesn't deal well...

As the author pointed out, (and if you look at the character carefully, you will realize) that Atris does have a habit of deciding what things mean without regard to simple things like fact. It makes her a frustrating character at the best of times, and this story is not the best of times by any stretch.

The most interesting thing about the story is the idea that a number of the Jedi that had gone to war were master status, including all of the main characters. This would mean the Jedi Civil War was actually a serious schism in the order, tantamount to the US's War Between The States or the Protestant Reformation if you want a religious referent.

Just a Dream
Handmethatcookie

No Specific era given: Some weird dreams...

It's devices (machines) not devises (creates)

The confusion about when it occurred was because we don't know if this Revan before he was captured, dreaming about the girl he left behind, or after he returned to the dark side, which would mean she was more likely dead.

That Good Ole Jedi Accountability
Trillian4210

Pre KOTOR: The Jedi council tries a little spin control...

The piece is funny because you have the Jedi trying to blame everyone but Revan, and the victim of this spin control is not even remotely amused. Very funny.

Pick of the Week

Love of theLight
AnimeAngel90

Post KOTOR: As the Sith move against Manaan, Revan's best friend agrees to an alliance with the Shadow warriors.

This isn't the first time someone has suggested a group apart from both Sith and Jedi who are more middle of the road. An interesting take.

Meeting your Evil Twin
HK-Revan

Pre KOTOR: On a field trip, Revan Malak and Kreia fall through a time rift

I didn't get a chance to read very far, but except for some wording problems 'soon she hopped(hoped) no prayed he would past(pass) means the work needs sight editing.

Errants
Red Ace

AU KOTOR on Taris: The name's the same, sort of...

With the real Revan dead, Carth has to depend on a flighty girl who has the same name and her loony sidekick. There's a running gag where they can never remember Bastila's name, and it gets silly from there.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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