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Old 12-02-2012, 09:41 AM   #1312
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Little Leech Lost
Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter four of an ongoing work, looking at the world from another side...

The piece lives up to MsFicwriter's rep, and it is intriguing on more than one level; first that others have tried, from their own views, how to reach this realm. Second, that the heroine finally realizes that she might be in deeper trouble.

Pick of the Week

Star wars knights of the new republic chapter 1: fall of the new jedi order

During Jedi Academy II: Jaden Korr falls to the dark side.

Again, you're not using a spell checker. If you are using a word processing program, most of them have spell checking as part of the program. Merely run it when you're done. The mistakes in spelling are, as usual, where someone is spelling the word as it sounds. Sed instead of said for example. With a spellchecker, you'll get closer to what you're trying for.

MsFicwriter mentioned breaking the work into paragraphs rather than one massive paragraph. What I also notice is that you were pushing the story forward too fast. You go from heading out to find Rosh, to killing him, to going to Korriban to face Tavion to leading the Sith back to slaughter the Jedi; a sequence that would take several days but you compress it into one massive block.

With kotorfanmedia still down, we're at first.

No World For Heroes

Pre KOTOR at the end of the Mandalorian Wars: The final meeting between Revan and the soon to be Exile

The piece needs sight editing, in the first chapter you use reigns (rules) instead of reins (control devices for a riding animal) for example.

The concept is interesting, rogue Mando'a acting without sanction to continue fighting, and our Exile, not yet bereft of the force confronting what Revan is becoming. The idea that one death is the straw that broke this camel's back is interesting. A lot is not explained here; how Bao-Dur survives, and what is to follow. Of course I only had a chance to read the first of 22 chapters, and this is one I think worth coming back to if I ever find the time.

Pick of the Week

Seeing Double
Aeryn Phoenix

KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: A 'person of interest' is detained by the Jedi aboard the ship. But is the story already lying to us?

The piece is interesting in several ways; first, making Revan one of a pair of twins, second, having her sister be the Exile. But starting where it does makes you wonder if she is the twin, rather than Revan as the game suggests.

A very interesting take, and as above, with 37 chapters, another I wish I had tome to read fully.

Pick of the Week

Exchange Girl

KOTOR on Taris AU: Luxa mourns the loss of her lover

An interesting blending of the actual game. Having Juhani living on Taris at the same time Davik was still alive, and having Luxa living there as well. There doesn't seem to be a Revan in the mix, and having Bastila getting all the credit begs the question. A cute little 'love lost' story.

KOTOR III: The Shadows Cast by Darkness
Firebird 13

Post TSL: The Exile leaves in search of Revan

The piece has a few points that don't make sense, such as setting off the Mass Shadow Generator before they left the planet. Considering the very good explanation for it's operation, you would pretty much guarantee that they are going to die. Using the force to counteract it doesn't scan.

Fight It
X Illusion

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile has to decide who are really her friends.

The piece has an excellent repeat of the scene in Ludo's tomb, but with the difference that this time her friends are making sense.

KOTOR: Darth Revan Returns
Lexington's Hammer

KOTOR on the Star Forge: As the Republic fleet attempts to flee, Revan has some cleaning up to do.

The piece has Revan roaring back into power with a vengeance. His dealing with the incompetent Admiral was perfectly done.

Meatbag rituals

Post TSL: After returning from finding Revan, the Exile chooses his new mate... Atton

Having read many a 'drunken confession' story, this one snuck up on me as to what happened next.

As the feet guide thee

The work needs some sight editing, and polishing; Whatever she had (done to) made the droids, It's rode, not road, wasn't packed, not pack. The read is a bit rough. I usually use the analogy of a river. You want the reader to flow with it, and if you have rapids for no reason, it distracts the reader from the story.

The Instruments of Darkness
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR in the Unknown system: As the climactic battle begins, Carth races to stop the reborn Darth Revan if he can.

The piece starts out well with a lot of angst as Carth remembers the carnage. Another piece I wish I could read to the end.

Pick of the Week

Delta 1107
PFC Koprulu

Star Wars Clone Wars Era: Left for dead, Sev must survive as best he can

The piece was too short, even as two paragraphs. The scenes had the gritty feel of reality, and the trap well laid.

Pick of the Week

Atlas Astray
Art Of War 2006

No specific Era given: An assassin carries out the mission, regardless of the pain.

The piece was fast paced, a thrill ride not to be missed, yet I still don't know who was killed. A pity I didn't have time to read further.

Pick of the Week

Shadow's Eve

KOTOR AU: With Revan dead and Malak not the only problem to deal with, both KOTOR crews must work together.

The piece is unrelieved darkness with little or no hope of relief. Only had a chance to read the first chapter, but looking good.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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