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Old 12-22-2012, 10:17 PM   #1316
machievelli
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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For those who worship; Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, and a cool Yule. Here it's cold and dry; as much as I know the city would be paralyzed by it, I wish it would snow this week. In fact a few months ago I learned the hill that leads from my home to where I catch the bus for work was a place where kids on sleds and snow boards whooped it up back in 2007 when it snowed heavily.

Well enough of my weather woes, let's get on with the reviews for this week. Kotorfanmedia is still down, and the SWK's site is also down, so I'm posting both my review for here but my review for SKW here as well. So without further ado...

Over at Fanfiction.net we start our week with an AU version of KOTOR with Bullet-Proof Marshmellows and Kotor Spectres: Redemption A Darkside Revan regains his position in DarkxPrince's
Battle of the Star Forge

and Best of the week, Bastila had had quite enough in SixTailedNinja's Bastila's Fall

Well things to do, places to be. Signing off...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Thorüsa: Three Chapters
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapters seven to nine of an ongoing work, Now to challenge heaven...

There are some interesting plot twists in this segment; the inquisitior believing she can literally make an appointment with heaven to get her case reviewed, her victim merely waiting until she is devoured, and the heroine being dragged along between the two.

Fanfiction.net

Friendly Ties
Rian Sage

Pre Mandalorian Wars era: Even with different assignments, Malak and Revan maintain their friendship.

Some grammar problems, roll instead of role, that kind of thing. Nothing a sight edit wouldn't correct.

The piece so far (1st chapter) is an excellent slice of life. The one thing that bothered me with their first assignment is that Revan doesn't even bother to tell her senior partner that the Senator's wife had been treated with the new medicine, which I assume is bacta.

Star Wars Demolition
Vader's Apprentice

Three years after the battle of Yavin: A new form of game is created by Jabba

Minor grammar problems; know instead of no, victim rather than victims (so marked because of phrasing; 'the next of her-')


Quibble. In the first released movie Luke sold his speeder, he didn't give it to anyone.

The piece is very confusing. It looks like the author merely took the Death Race movies as the basic premise, and the list of participants in the game itself are a who's who of the villains of the books games and movies. Too many of them must survive, since they are known to live beyond this point. Also, the author has too many disparate vehicles for anything even remotely resembling a race to be logical. Speeder and speeder bikes operate at low lever, an AT-ST an middle, and a cloud car at high. All have advantages the others do ont, and disadvantages as well.

Veil of shadows
Zerbinetta

Pre KOTOR: After her capture, Revan is held by the Jedi as they consider what to do.

The piece is pretty long, 54 chapters. The first reminds me of watching Clarisse dealing with Hannibal Lector. Looks like it is worth the read.

The Cache
Muhnemma

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: There was something the Exile had to get...

The side quest to deal with Vogga has little of interest (Except for having the female Exile dance), which why when I wrote my own version, I merely had T3 handle the infiltration. But this was an interesting twist.

Knights of the Old Republic: Depth of Soul
Evaron

Pre KOTOR: Not every mission goes right

Remember to have something to break between scenes so that the reader can keep track of it. You have the scenes coming so quickly that the reader has trouble keeping track.

Star Wars KotOR III: Scars of the Sith
Krayt-Eagle

TSL on Malachor V: The new adventure begins as the old one ends

The piece starts off a bit dry but does pick up. As it's 18 chapters long, I couldn't go very far into it

Love You Forever and Ever
Layana Danare

Post KOTOR: She had to explain, even if only in a letter

The piece is short and sweet like a letter you would expect. Pretty much what you would anticipate.

Surfacing
Muhnemma

KOTOR Starting on the Endar Spire: Our Heroine has a rough day

Technical note: Shipboard nomenclature is not like that usually used in conversation. Doors are hatches, rooma are compartments. I suggest reading my article; Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The piece is basically a retelling from the start to partway through the Upper city. There are a few changes, having Carth get food, and seeing Mission and Zaalbar (Though the reader doesn't know it). The flow is good, and the scenes relatively well portrayed.

Bastila's Fall
SixTailedNinja

KOTOR on Dantooine: The real reason Bastila fell...

improper grammar; hear instead of here, nock (The clip on an arrow that holds it to the string) rather than knock it off.

The piece surprised me. I expected something a little darker (Though the author did say comedy). So having Bastila lose it because they're acting like a bunch of school kids on a day trip was fun. The reaction of the masters was a riot. It reminded me of my Ex wife; whenever the news televised a police chase, she'd run into the kitchen and make snacks, then sit and watch as if it were the Superbowl.

Pick of the Week

Kotor Spectres: Redemption
Bullet-Proof Marshmellows

AU KOTOR, no specific portion at start: A reformed Jedi looks for the members of his old squad.

The piece is fast paced, the fight scenes well portrayed. The author is one of the first I have seen in seven years to use the term 'melee weapon' correctly, since there is a crowd of attackers rather than one.

Didn't read beyond chapter one, no time. But it looked very interesting.

Pick of The Week

Battle of the Star Forge
DarkxPrince

KOTOR in the final battle: The fate of the galaxy rests in Revan's hands, but who is going to win?

Improper words, planed (trimmed wood) instead of planned, dye (Change the color) instead of die (Expire), sawing (Cutting) instead saying (Vocalizing) Fin (appendage) instead of fine (well), wreath (Something hanging on a door in this holiday season) instead of worth (Equal to).

You also forgot a word in the battle on top (Of) the Rakata temple. The first is a problem usually corrected by sight editing, since you used a word that would pass a spellcheck but fail if you read it. The second is something I have to watch out for, because you're writing so fast, you're forgetting to finish out the sentence.

In the second section you shifted tenses, from past to present in the third paragraph, then back in the fifth.

Technical note: Except for Asajj Ventress, I have not seen a double light-saber that will work as two singles. A standard double light saber, unlike a two bladed metal sword, is not going to work as two singles if cut in half.

This looked good, but I didn't have time to read it all.

Pick of the Week

The Dispossessed
Elenathehun

Post ROTS: Sometimes, the win is to survive.

The piece focuses on one ex-Jedi on one off the way world, and is confusing because there is no specific course to steer to guide the reader to the end.

For those who worship; Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, and a cool Yule. Here it's cold and dry; as much as I know the city would be paralyzed by it, I wish it would snow this week. In fact a few months ago I learned the hill that leads from my home to where I catch the bus for work was a place where kids on sleds and snow boards whooped it up back in 2007 when it snowed heavily.

Well enough of my weather woes, let's get on with the reviews for this week. Kotorfanmedia is still down, and the SWK's site is also down, so I'm posting both my review for here but my review for SKW here as well. So without further ado...

Over at Fanfiction.net we start our week with an AU version of KOTOR with Bullet-Proof Marshmellows and Kotor Spectres: Redemption A Darkside Revan regains his position in DarkxPrince's
Battle of the Star Forge

and Best of the week, Bastila had had quite enough in SixTailedNinja's Bastila's Fall

Well things to do, places to be. Signing off...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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