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Old 02-09-2013, 10:11 AM   #1325
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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TSL: The worst day in Atton's life

Remember to check spelling visually. For some reason my WP program is refusing to spell check, which means occasionally I have to stop and manually do so. As examples you spelled Malachor wrong, and used cept (as in except) instead of kept. Also rememberconversation breaks. You have the conversation leading up to the fight all in one lump.

The piece is a bit confused emotionally between Atton being irritated, then willing to let go. Considering his mood and the generic feel of the wedding, it is good that he didn't arrive during the 'does anyone know why they can't' portion.

Meeting A New Friend

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Revan and Malak meet the Exile for the first time.

Remember to sight edit; you have the pair 'sho' ing their charge around. Then you have the other pair(s) walking off.

It was interesting having a prepubescent boy looking at a girl the same age and defining her body as "I'll be your friend no matter what the circumstances!". It is the age where you can now tell boys from girls by such a thing, but most boys at that age still don't react to the difference.

The author gives us a 'voice' to assign to Amanda, and visualizing it made the scene work. I was reminded of the point where Harry and Ronald from the first movie become friends with Hermoine Granger, except for the groining. Well done.

A Miserable Hymn

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Visas mourns a lost chance

The piece fits Visas like a glove. She has no experience in the matters of love; less than even a young Jedi. So if someone pays attention to her, she's unsure how to react. Being supplanted by someone with experience would hurt her more than Mira being rejected would have.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic Ending
Sir Nicholas

KOTOR on the Star Forge: The end

Remember to do a sight edit. You used where (Location) instead of were. Remember conversation breaks, during the conversation between Revan and Malak, you combined the conversation into paragraphs.

The work is basically a generic retelling of the final battle and escape.

Stuck Aboard the Ebon Hawk

Post KOTOR: Now what do we do?

I don't know... I expected the angsty let down of an infantry unit, or the gasp of relief of any group of warriors who have survived. Instead I got high school pranks with Canderous as the bully, and Carth being humilitated by a parade of friends and his mother, Zalbaar finally telling Mission that her nickname for him is a gross insult in his language, and (Shudder) Disco.

A lot of fun.

Yuthara's Gizka
Bald As Malak

One Year Post KOTOR: Yuthura Ban finally finds healing

The piece is like all of BAM's work. It is a gentle time of healing, and having her rescuer merely be there until she is willing to socialize fits well with the gentle scene. Her last words to the little animal before she goes to sleep in the first chapter tells exactly how antisocial she has been through her life. I wish I could read the other four chapters.

Pick of the Week

Falling with Grace
Lyra Skye

Pre KOTOR: A look into the lives of the characters

The piece is an interesting aside from the carnage we know will follow. Merely two young people finally willing to speak their minds. There are five more chapters, but as always, I don't have the time to pursue them.

The Untold of Adventures of Revan

KOTOR/Halo crossover after Leviathan: The ship needed repair, so they stopped at the Halo...

The piece is a bit of cutesy fun. Having the Master Chief, his suit AI and the characters converse got a little weird. After exlaining their exactly similar purposes;

"...We're tasked with using super-human abilities to put an end to an evil empire...Cortana, isn't this where you pop in and make some smarmy observation?"

Cortana replies, "Usually, yes, but I'm fresh out of material."

That and HK acting like a kid in a candy store using the ship's chain gun...

Knights of the Old Republic
Fury Of Heaven

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins

While the author was faithful to the dialogue of the game; usually something that bores me to tears, I had a lot of fun reading the internal dialogue. The character comes across about where I did when I had gone through the intro for the fourth or fifth time; irreverent, irritated by the constant harping of Trask on the fight through the ship, and also frustrated with Carth's lines.

For the love of Force
Darth Phex

KOTOR From Leviathan to Star Forge: It's beginning to get weird...

Remember to sight edit, you have Carth wining (dealing with the drink wine) instead of whining, and Malak as a medal (Award) head instead of metal head.

Right from the start this is not what I expected; Throwing Bastila onto the bridge to confuse the enemy. Having Saul confess he loves Carth, then having Rena (Revan) making sarcastic comments about her being Darth Revan, but no one thinking they're funny...

The Legend of Revan Episode I: Enter the Shadow

Revan's early life: The Masters judge their students

The problem is that the 'prophesy of the Chosen One' is being used too often over four millennia From Revan here to Anakin. Back in the '70s I wrote a short story since incorporated into the second of my Gryphonrider series where the main character finds an adventure in a pub.

As the editor that rejected it commented, everyone seems to think the bar is where to start, which is why it, like the prophesy mentioned, is hackneyed.

Flip Side of a Coin
Boom Boom

Because of the brevity of part one, I had to read part two. The largest problem is the work needs sight editing and polishing. You used through to exterior instead of through'the' describing vibrations, then called it a sheet fleet.

The title fits the work; first having Malak seem to weary of the war, then having the heroine freeze because it's happening too fast, then realizing that the reason Trask won't look at her is she is in her underwear.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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