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Old 02-23-2013, 10:22 AM   #1327
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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The Dark Side of Love
Vila Restal

KOTOR AU aboard Ebon Hawk: The newly fallen Darth Revan strikes

My only question is why you called the piece AU except for his love interest dying first?

Atton's Mind

TSL no specific time or location given: Atton gives the reader a tour inside his head.

Only one negative, it's either caring or sharing, not charing.

An odd turn for Atton considering how he reacted when he found that the Exile had read him. I felt sort of like a shrink using chemical therapy to understand a patient.

Dark Messiah: The Beginning
Vile Twitch

Several years pre-Mandalorian Wars: Where Revan began

It is eradicated and answered. Remember to sight edit. You used here (Location) several times when you meant hear.

Technical note, Society: First, at age six, which is where you start the boy, you have him hating his own society. But we learn to hate our society because of other opinions at that age. Picture a six year old kid in Nazi Germany around 1938. Depending on his station in life and parent's political and religious bent he would reflect that opinion; I.E. if they were Communists they would loathe the Nazis, If they were jews they would be uncomfortable, Etc.

But the child would form those ideas from the way their parents taught them. A German child above would not hate 'Germany', rather he would hate those within that society that treat him badly, like a Jewish boy hating his neighbors who look down on him because of his religion. If you merely had him hate specific people because of the way they act, it would be more logical.

Technical note, Society 2: Beyond making the main character an outsider because of how he is treated, you have done little to examine the why. In a warrior society, you would have those who are left out in the cold, but not among those in training to be warriors. While I pretty much loathed the portrayal of Spartan Society from birth to training in the movie 300, it was close to accurate. However a young boy is not going to learn to be a warrior by merely picking two older boys to beat him up. Until he knows how to fight, and why to fight, it's just school yard bullying.

Also, as Karen Traviss (The primary writer using the Mando'a in the EU) points out over and over, if they did not accept those who come into their society from the outside, the Mandalorians would have died out millennia ago, just as Sparta collapsed due to trying to keep themselves separate. So giving him grief because he is a half-breed is like giving an immigrant in the army grief for that reason. One way to earn your citizenship here in the US for those from outside our borders is to join and take the chance of dying.

Technical note Animals: As often as people in the Star Wars universe use the same animals over and over, unless you transport an animal from it's home to a new environment, it will not exist in that new one. There are similar types; you have big cats world wide with the exception of Oceana for example. It would have been better to merely say it was 'like' a vornskr.

Star Wars Battlefront III
ThE WROng PersON fOr mE

Set in Star Wars Battlefront: More a wish than a story

This is more an idea suggestion than a story.

To Face Judgement

Pre KOTOR: The punishment of the Exile hurts more than her

Remember to sight edit, as you can make mistakes but have them pass a spellcheck; for example, butterflies would flutter past, not passed, and the sphere would have an aura, not 'and aurora'. It would be war veteran, not veterinarian. Also, it like a child, not children. And that is just the start.

There were interesting clues that, if followed, might give us a lot more backstory about the Exile.

She Was Not An Idiot
Amme Moto

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: If they only knew...

The idea that Revan still has all of her memories is not new, but in it's way the way the author portrays that fact is amusing. I could see people thinking her a bit slow because she doesn't give her name until the end.

Technical, Militaria: It would be serial number (As it was before I served in the 70s) but now is called service number, not 'soldier number'. However, your service number doesn't change, so Carth would not have an automatic 'command' rank in his. For that you have instead what is called an MOS, or 'Method of Service' designation. For example, in the Army you have 19B or 19M, which is Infantry scout (B) or Mechanized Dismount Scout (M).

Series of KOTOR One shots

Posr KOTOR: Revan makes her goodbyes and asks those left behind to help keep the Republic alive

Remember to sight edit. First, it is Malak, not The Malak who has been defeated. Also, breathe is the action of breathing, so you meant breath.

This is one period not covered in the games beyond the offhand comments in TSL that Revan left, and why. I only read the first of the chapters because I didn't have time to read further.

Lost Already
Jedi of Ennth

Post KOTOR: Revan pauses in her quest for the New Sith, and leaves with a tale of her past

The piece is well written, and the world we know so well viewed by people who have no clue what the worlds beyond their world is like. I am reminded of C3PO explaining their mission to the Ewoks.

Pick of the Week

Shadows and Dust
Kendoka Girl

Pre Mandalorian wars: Revan begins to gather her followers

The Primary problem is that you have Revan setting up the equvalent of the War between the States without considering that such an option leaves no retreat. As I pointed out in a previous review, the War began with a lot of disagreement, but hadn't reached wartime status yet. Historically, when the Southern cadets decided to leave West Point they were ushered out with the band playing 'Dixie' instead of being arrested. If the Southerners had gone as far as you describe the Union would have slapped them down long before they joined the war.

Cross Season
Vikung Fu

KOTOR Dark side ending: The Sith descend on Coruscant

The piece is well done, the only jarring note the idea that the Star Forge is capable of hyperlight travel. If it had such capability, the Rakata would have fought over it rather than the planets during their civil war. Because whoever controlled it would rule. There is an old term, 'dog in a manger'. It implies someone who cannot use a resource, keeping others from it.

This is the reason the Seti Protocols were never signed by the US, Communist China, or the old Soviet Union. In every 'alien landing' scenario here on Earth, the people who have the landing are a target simply because of the technological leap such a situation would give them. With a mission to either capture or destroy that tech.

Kev Likes His Locker
Saber Girls

KOTOR on Manaan: It's nice to be in the locker...

It is very short, and incoherent, which considering the subject is not surprising. A couple of errors; soilder instead of soldier, there instead of their, and deat instead of dead.

I Dare You

Setting the choice of the reader: How can you stop a forlorn hope?

Very short but to the point. The term Forlorn Hope means a suicide mission usually manned by the gutter sweepings of an army. A mission with a high chance of death, that could change the battle drastically in your favor if successful, but will cost you little or nothing.

The final missions in both games remind me of the concept. That the crew of one little ship will alter the course of history with their actions.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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