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Old 03-03-2013, 09:47 AM   #1328
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Kotor: Goodbye my most precious world
Revan sama

Pre-KOTOR: The revival of Darth Revan did not go as planned

Remember to sight edit. You wrote that 'he didn't just gained' when it should be gain, and 'didn't thought' when it should be didn't think, 'how far have they progress' should be progressed, Revan asked coldly, not coldly Revan, stands proudly, not stand, 'Malak has ordered to fire his master's ship' needs 'his crew' after ordered and 'on' after fire.

put her hand on his mask, to removed it. change 'to' to and, 'How can someone like this could fall so far?' the word could is redundant.

"Mobilized the others Jed-" doesn't make sense, if you bring a wild animal into a cage, even tranquilized you assume the worst, so the others should be ready to strike immediately.

An interesting take on the back story, having him appear to be 'cured' before they have done anything. Sort of reminiscent of my own KOTOR novel where Bastila joins to minds and replaces Revan's with the other dying woman.

French and Japanese with English third? That explains some of the errors above.

Rust Buckets And Rude Meatbags

Pre-KOTOR on Tatooine: a young woman will soon meet and old enemy

The intro information gives more than the story actually covered. I liked the basics, but there was a glaring inconsistency:

It has been ten years since the murders, but that predates Revan building HK by almost three years. This of course assumes (As a lot of writers do) that he or she was the builder. As much as that might be the case it would be easier to assume that HK was incapacitated after an attempt on Revan's life and reprogrammed by the Jedi, ala the Terminator series, where in the second movie a Terminator is reprogrammed and sent back to protect John Connor. That begs the question of the original manufacturer, though finding the factory of HK 50 and 51 droids on Telos (A side quest) might point the way.

We also have no age on the girl. How old was she when her parents were murdered?

A pity the author stopped here, I really wonder what the answers are to those questions.

Chasing Ghosts
Faelyn Leaf

Post TSL: She's returned... but to what?

Remember to sight edit. In the first sentence you had her return 'to' this dump, lose not loose a few hands, see his murder, not she.

The basic idea and portrayal is excellent; looking at the aftermath of Revan's hiatus seen after the fact through Atton's eyes. I wasn't able to read beyond chapter one, but I wished I could.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Galaxies Tales Tilana Robalo
Aramas Sky

Set in SW Galaxies Imperial Period: A young child's tale

I noticed that you had requested a beta-reader, which is something I was going to suggest. During the fight after being boarded, you repeated the same sequence of events twice in the same paragraph for example.

The boarding sequence made little sense, because if you are arresting traitors aboard a ship, you do not automatically assume everyone there is equally guilty just because they aboard her. If that is what you intend to do, it's easier to use gas to knock them all out, and remove the ones you do want, then if you're viscious, blow the ship up. After all, if the now abandoned ship is found someone will ask questions. Remember in the book version of ANH Vader gave orders to report that Leia's ship had crashed killing all aboard.

The piece had a tendency to be disjointed. You have her going from a loving family, to being rescued to being kidnapped and sold into slavery, to being sold to someone who gets her to a safe place, covering about ten years in the process but doing it as if merely laying out the situation.

Father & Son

18 years post KOTOR: The son of the Dark lord prepares for their confrontation

By the end of the first segment I was more confused than anything else. First, the information about the pregnancy suggests twins, after all, you said 'they' a few times, yet we only have the one as the focus of the story. Part of the problem is that the avenging son is an old and hackneyed idea, going all the way back to Mythology. Look at Oedipus, Jason, and Horus, all stories where the child is chosen by prophecy to kill someone, and does when they reach manhood.

Making him a grey Jedi does make some sense, but you run right into the 'start to the darkside and you never come back' view. As many have done so and been redeemed, it is sort of like all the things people tell their children about everything from drugs to premarital sex. There I think you did well, balancing out the portions, and finding uses for them at the appropriate times

A New Hope Reborn

Pre-KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The stage is set

The piece is a generic run through of the game for the two chapters I did read. This is not a negative comment, merely pointing out that you added little to the basic story as shown in the game.

My Life as A Warrior

Set about 30 years after the Mandalorian Wars: A Mandalorian Jedi speaks of his past.

A minor quibble; when you're writing a man's autobiography, you're not going to comment on his actions 'four thousand years ago' unless he's immortal.

I understand his complaint about being called a Jedi; it's just a title, and marks the person whether he follows their teachings or not. The Waffen SS for example were all assumed to be hardcore Nazis, even though it was the only German formation with a record of telling the Party off when it was a military matter. As a character in the book Watch On the Rhine put it; 'We ignored Hitler and we ignored Himmler, either of whom could have us shot. What makes you think we'll listen to you?'.

Military tech note; A Mandalorian radio is part of his armor. Why is the main character A: without a comlink of his own, and B; (Since it's part of the helmet) borrowing one when he could just tell the onsite commander to pass the same order he gives?

Absolutely Mental

KOTOR on Taris: Carth finally gets a chance to speak to his new companion

Remember to finish sentences; you have him throw the 'young' over his shoulder.

The little there is of the piece is well done. Having Carth come around confused by continuing to escape and evade was very good. I just wish there was more to it.

This is My Father's World
The Tygre

Post TSL: Visas returns to her dead homeworld, bearing the promise of renewal

The piece hit me in the gut with the emotions of the returning woman. All of her dreams linked to that one precious seed, and the hope that her world was not completely dead. Their actions were well portrayed, their unwillingness to join emotionally and physically until they had their proof was perfect, almost as if knowing the world could still bring forth life was the key they needed.

Having Nihilus not as some dark-side nemesis, but as something Visas had to move beyond was perfect.

Pick of the Week

Of Droids and Jedi

KOTOR on Dantooine: What if Revan had just said no?

The word is ornament not ordainment, and along rather than a long.

That said, the piece snuck up on me and had me laughing. The Masters upset about Lane's memories, especially of parts of Bastila's body. Every other thought or sentence Carth saying coming out paranoid, creating a version of the Dukes of Hazard with Daisy played by a Twi-Lek with breast implants, then Malak so hung up on destroying Taris that it has been done eleven times, even having his troops go down to build targets for them to destroy the next time. Not to mention Mission being clueless about why Carth is always watching Lane so she wonders if maybe he's gay.

Eight more chapters and I wished I could read them all!

Pick of the Week

On the Star Forge
cigarettes and alcohol

KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: The last battles

Remember to end sentences, meaning punctuation wise. Beyond that I see no major flaws.

For a first fan-fic the work is well done. It is mainly generic, but the scenes are clear cut and well defined. Having all of them together and the other two party members wait rather than assist is logical, because unless you're willing to merely kill Bastila, it had to be one on one. Removing all of the Force additions actually makes the scene better.

I know it's a game, but I can tell by how it was designed that the designers are used to standard Medieval fantasy games because of all of the additions to make equipment more 'perfect', and that has always detracted from my enjoyment.

We're Clones, It's What We Do

Kamino before the Clone Wars: One clone is a bit different

The piece needed some polishing, but on the whole for a first work, not too bad.

Some of the rules didn't make sense. Having Jango the only one with the authority to terminate a defective clone would keep him tied to the planet for the rest of his life. Also while programming in special skills does make sense, trying for an all around tactical or strategic commander does not. These are things all of them should have been given, and circumstance would determine who is in charge.

The explanation about Kamino's weather makes some sense, but axial tilt is what causes major weather patterns on earth, and you ignored planetary rotation,which also has an effect on it. Also a major thing that mitigates weather patterns is land masses that break up or redirect storms. A water planet like Kamino would naturally have larger and more powerful storms.

Your Guardian Angel
Amy Larsen

KOTOR starting aboard Leviathan: The frantic struggle to escape

The author waited until we'd opened the link before saying it was a first work, and I think it was a very good one. Having Elizabeth (Revan) falter in her wise cracks when Malak reveals who she was was good, but having Malak be the initiator of the memory stream did not. Having the capability to reach in and bring out memories would give the enemy a tactical advantage that would make it easy to defeat you, so allowing him to do so is foolish.

The way it ended left me flat. The team knows Bastila is what Malak wants, having her do something heroic and foolish; leaping into the fight and locking the others out made some sense. Saying 'I'm what he wants' and having Carth close the door did not.

However I did enjoy it, and wished I could read on.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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