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Old 03-24-2013, 02:18 AM   #1331
machievelli
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars Rise of the Gallactic Empire
battle111

Between ROTS and ANH: The Empire crushes the resistance on Fondor

Kaip jau sakiau lapkričio, jums reikia beta skaitytojas. You're pushing the story too hard. You have what I estimate would be a twenty page piece compressed into a single paragraph.

Fanfiction.net

Duel on Duxn Excerpt
Warden Whitetree

Mandalorian Wars on Dxun: A battle of true warriors

The author's work is clean and crisp, little extra verbiage, the action neat as a pin. The revelation of whom she fights well portrayed.

The one thing I enjoyed so much, and praise rarely because it is rare, is the treatment of the Mando'a opponent. He is not a cardboard cutout of a bad guy, but a warrior facing someone he respects at the end. As John Ringo pointed out in The Honor of the Clan, a true warrior seeks not a battle where he wins easily, but a battle against an equal where skill is matched, and even losing is glorious. Or as the Saxon Leader in the Movie King Arthur commented, 'Finally, someone worth killing'.

Pick of the Week

Choices
HanuuEshe

Mandalorian Wars before the Jedi intervene: Revan isn't the only one going her own way...

Remember to sight edit, the sentence, 'didn't destroy and fight simply for fun of it. you left out 'the'. No big thing, your mind is running on and your fingers can't catch up. We all have that problem sometimes.

I loved this one because the author interjected something I had not anticipated; surprising because I love and read history voraciously, and the same thing has happened time and again. Warrior societies who suddenly, for no discernable reason, fall into senseless brutality. The Nazi 'Final solution' is a perfect example, the best and brightest 10% of their population labeled subhuman and worked to death or merely killed out of hand. As John Ringo in his Watch on the Rhine commented; seventy years later, no one can figure out where that collective madness came from.

Here we have a man I myself merely made a schemer who killed himself dishonorably on Dxun. Yet he is finding a way to save some he has been ordered to slaughter. Or as the author puts it so cogently, he seemingly has to make a choice between his honor and his duty, his people, or their soul...

Pick of the Week

Star Wars KotOR III: The Unknown Regions
Ferc Kast

Three years Post TSL: A Jedi is sent on an assignment

The only problem I have with this work is each chapter is far too short. The work is good, but the first three chapters, one of them the Title scroll merely whetted my appetite, and there are ten to go that I do not have time to read. A pity, because it is more intriguing with every post.

Knight of the Old Republic: The Unknown Destiny
Ferc Kast

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Master Arren Kae sets destiny in motion

Ferc Kast has graces us before, and this work like the one above has only two flaws; it's too short and unfinished. We have met the characters, but it stops before the mission begins.

Favor the Road Less Traveled...
Varimathras

Pre-KOTOR: The fall of Revan and Malak from another's prospective

The piece was well written, but part of it mentioned below bothered me.

Technical note, Drugs: The problem with the scene you portray is that if the work of selling Spice is illegal, why is the Senate bothering to negotiate about a secondary objective; child slavery? Every known illegal drug has medicinal uses, and it is not the production of it but the illegal sale of it which makes it unlawful. So negotiating with a criminal organization to stop child labor/slavery, would be like the US DEA negotiating with the Columbian drug lords to have them advertise for people to process it in the local papers rather than using peons for it.

Padawan
GatX

Ten Years Post TSL: Some Jedi flee government control to forge a new order

Remember to sight edit to avoid using the wrong word. For example, you used kept where you should have used keep. Also the sentence, 'We need an out of the way place that no one knows about, and that there isn't any major civilized life on' doesn't scan well. I would suggest We need an out of the way place that no one knows about, where there isn't any major civilized life'. Also the sentence, 'as was his becoming custom' would read better as 'as was becoming his custom'.

Also remember breaks between different scenes.

Technical note: If Earth's Age of Exploration is used as an example, there would be very few places that fit their criteria. It didn't take any explorer very long to claim anywhere they landed, and only a countervailing claim, such as another European Nation having already claimed it stopped them from moving in to claim the resources.

Except for the editing problems I mentioned, the piece is rather good.

Clash of the Sith Revan and Malak
DarkWarr

KOTOR on the Star Forge: The final battle

The author is from Singapore, so I will be a little lax about corrections; after all, I do not know where English is as their spoken language, and you don't come down hard on someone who uses it as a second language. However bellow is a noise, you should have used billow, which is a movement.

The only negative I really have is the idea that the only way Revan can stop Malak from draining the trapped Jedi one by one is by using the same tactic. Using the phrase 'the ends justify the means' is a cop out. When I wrote my own version of the KOTOR game over at Lucasforums I created a way to free them all at the same time rather than slavishly follow the game's 'kill them all' approach.

Assistance from the Dark
Darth Reaper

Star Wars/Stargate crossover: the Stargate team gets help from an unlikely source

Remember to sight edit. You say 'before the fall of the Rakatan empire fell' which makes one fall redundant. You used foul swoop when the term is fell swoop, and you have Kavar comment that Revan 'planed' (Smoothed) something instead of planning it.

Also remember conversation breaks. Picture a river flowing; without conversation breaks, it is white water the reader has trouble understanding. With them it is a smooth flow. Remember, as much as we write for our own enjoyment, it's like cooking, you do it to transform the simple ingredients into a tasty meal, and a lot of times it isn't just for your pleasure.

Technical note, Galactic travel: The primary problem I had was that the Rakatan had been able to travel from one galaxy to another. I am not saying it isn't possible, just that if the Rakata (According to the game) only ruled 500 planets in one galaxy, why travel to another when they still have hundreds of millions of possible systems in their original galaxy to subjugate yet? It would be like the US government in 1783 deciding to attack and subdue China with an entire continent still unoccupied by them. Also, who made the trip first? If it were the Rakata, the above applies. If it were the Ancients, why didn't they merely withdraw? For that matter, why did the Rakata pursue?

Having equal technical capability means it could happen either way, but even if you feel threatened, you wouldn't make that trip without some reasonable expectation of success.

Cat and Mouse
Fall Out Guirl

Seven years post KOTOR: Carth's long wait ends

The piece does a hammerhead stall (an aerial maneuver where you climb straight up into a ballistic drop) emotionally. Carth is not living, he's only existing before he gets the word. And like that aircraft, he plummets back to earth in his hurry to see and touch the woman he loves again.

Betrayed
Lossefalme

KOTOR AU after the Star Forge: Left alive at a whim of his ex-lover, Carth is bent on revenge

Only one negative, read; Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am going on about.

When I saw the number of chapters, 28, I was daunted. A lot of people will post about two pages and call it a chapter, but having read this author's workl before, I wasn't sure. The word count, (over 128,000; equal to just about everything I had posted to this site combined) told me the chapters would be good sized. So with not a little trepidation, I started it. By the end of the first chapter, I was hooked, and I just had to read the second.

Have you ever seen the old movie serials where you get a fifteen minute snippet ending at a cliffhanger with TO BE CONTINUED at the end? Honestly, having the hero on the brink of death with no way out, but saying that, I think, was one of the best marketing ploys ever created. And it worked here.

The writing is tight and well done, the scenes vivid, the characters leaping off the screen. This is one of those works I wish I could come back and read from beginning to end.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars KOTOR: Another Tale
Anutka2000

KOTOR on Taris: A Jedi in hiding must choose to get involved again

Remember to stay in the same tense when writing. You start in third person, jump to first, then back again, all in the same chapter. It's fine if you had merely done it during the flashback; after all, that is an internal monologue. But if you slip back and forth without that it confuses the reader.

This is an interesting and unique twist on the basic game; Some of the Jedi that had gone with Revan must have fled when their leaders went to the Dark Side. And some admittedly would have been unwilling to return to the Jedi Council to face the music; especially considering the over the top punishment meted out to the Exile. My only question; considering the location of Taris in relationship to where the war was fought, is why did this one run such a small distance before going to ground?

Read only one chapter, but I wish I could read the other three.

SWG: Test of Fate
Digitalmetal

Set in Star Wars Galaxy: A soldier is rescued from the Imperials

The writing is clean and crisp, the scenes well laid out. I know the author is basing it on just the intro for a game, but there are technical problems I will address below.

Technical Notes, POW status: The laws of war require you to render medical aid to any wounded, not just your own people, but that doesn't mean you ignore the fact that the wounded person is an enemy. As lackadaisical as the security arrangements are on the TV show MASH, that would not be the norm. You would have either separate facilities for treatment of the enemy wounded, or you would transport them to another facility when possible and maintain a guard until they are safe to transport before that. By safe I mean they are no longer in a life threatening condition, not that you must wait for the situation to be safe.

Watch the movie the Big Red One, where the sergeant wakes up in a German hospital. The entire facility is a prison, yet the patients are allowed to move about freely inside it. Yet outside the doors, you would have guards, fences, etc you don't see. The laws of war restrict what a prisoner is allowed to do with the codicil that a prisoner's primary duty is to escape if at all possible; yet that is balanced by the fact that attempting to escape can get you killed.

Yet you have someone that, is if they are not a POW with proof of their guilt, at least what the military now defines as a 'person of interest' (Which is a step down from POW) waking up unguarded, with access to not only clothes, but weapons as well. As much as this allows the game to flow, it is a breach of security wide enough to drive a Peterbilt Semi through. Take this for example:

Ahmed the Republican Guard Sergeant is badly wounded when a US strike team ambushes the convoy he is part of. He is stabilized by the medic, and medivaced to the hospital. He is treated, and put in a private room, with an orderly checking on him occasionally. When he wakes up, he's pointed at a footlocker with his gear, including the fully loaded rifle and encrypted radio he had been carrying when captured. He then spends several minutes shooting up the supply closet, and talking to his wood be rescuers without the enemy noticing.

What is wrong with this picture?

Technical Notes, the Daring Rescue: As pointed out, you should have the person in a cell, not a hospital bed, or with a guard posted. Now one thing any military would do is try to save you if they can. But you run right into one glaring problem; how important is this prisoner, and under what conditions is he being held? How much effort are you willing to expend to save this person?

If you have ever read the Corps Series by WEB Griffin, you will note that in the last book of the series, Retreat Hell, the characters detached from the Marines to the CIA have only two people considered important enough to be rescued. One is General William F Dean, who was captured near Taejon in the opening months of the war, the other is one of his characters, who happens to be the son of the man who has been named as a Deputy Director of the CIA. In the first case, the UN and American troops were unable to rescue the man. He spent the war in a POW camp. The second was only missing, and was later found. Both, because of who they were, were considered prime catches on the propaganda level alone. In the book, the author commented that Stalin's son Yakov had been captured during WWII and had died when a guard shot him. He also pointed out that the guard who did so was executed for that act.

Going back to the Big Red One, the sergeant is repatriated when the Us Army captures the city he is in along with the hospital; that is what usually happens. But in the situation portrayed in the story above, you have someone of little or no value to the Rebellion, beyond the fact that she is the main character of the story, trapped in an Imperial Space Station, surrounded by armed guards and soldiers. Yet they break her out anyway. It is one thing to have a spur of the moment rescue as happened when Princess Leia is held aboard the Death Star, but think:

In the tutorial used for the template of this story, you have a number of Rebels infiltrate the station, to plant explosives (A supposition, since during the Falcon's escape you don't mention any other craft also escaping) While Han and his crew actually go in to effect the rescue. Why is this character that important to the Rebellion?

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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