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Old 03-30-2013, 10:55 PM   #1332
machievelli
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Darkened Twilight
Hate's Fury

Post TSL on Malachor V: Having removed her opposition, the Dark Exile plots

The basics are good, but there are a few flawed premises I will address below.

Technical note, Cortosis: Cortosis is a mineral that shorts out an energy beam. Which is why a wbe of it is a nice addition to armor. So adding it to a light saber merely stops a lightsaber from working.

Villain's soliloquy: In the Incredibles when the two superheroes are reminiscing about a battle, one comments, 'He starts monologuing' almost as if it is expected; and in fiction, especially adventure fiction, it is. The primary reason for the Villain's monologue is to let the reader know all of the things he did, and is usually a private discussion between the villain and the hero right before the villain consigns him to a horrible fate. Around the time the James Bond Movie The Man With the Golden Gun came out, a person reviewing the genre commented that the villain does this because he see Bond as the only person who might understand what is being done, like a scientist showing off his new toy.

Yet you have the Exile doing pretty much that with someone who is a new apprentice. In most cases, all you want from such a being would be odecience. They do not need to know what you plan, merely that they are at present a brand new weapon in the arsenal. You don't tell your new sword why you need it. For example, in ROTS Sidious merely gives orders to the new Darth Vader, not the entire sweep of his plans.

Unfinished business: Atton originally fled Revan's service because he believed she would have turnedhim into a Dark Jedi whether he wanted to be one or not. Why is the Exile any different in that regard? One of her points in the monologue above is gathering all of the fallen Jedi she can find, and she has a possible right there on the ship she is ignoring.

And why is Mical, who still holds onto the Jedi code still around? It's not like she needs a partially trained Jedi as a medic. Maybe she keeps him around only to enjoy dashing his hopes every few hours, like a kid torturing a pet?

Revelations
Mettiz

Post TSL, but time indeterminate: A new Jedi knight is teamed up with Atton

The author is Norgwegian, so I will be gentle with my review. It is the eyes are pools (body of water) not poles and through (By means of) rather than trough (a basin for water).

The basic story is good except for someone again using Tatooine as if it were an important place. Even this did not detract much because the author showed changes in the new Hutt administration over the old Czerka one. Having someone learn the Jawa language from HK makes for a funny scene, and makes me wonder why they didn't end up in a fight with the Sand People if his word choice in dealing with human languages carries over into that language as well.

Choices: Battle Between Darkness and Light
Mettiz

Post KOTOR on the Star Forge: The renewed Lord Revan plans her new campaign

Again; the author is Norwegian. The day I can write a story in that language, I will complain more about how it is written. However a belt will cling (Hold to) not clang (Make a loud noise). A tractor beam is a device that uses a beam of energy to tow or hold something. It is not a method of finding people.

Again you used a standard planet, even though it is not a logical place to look. The biggest problem with writing in another Universe, such as Star Wars, is that all you see of it are snippets of areas and not the whole. There are over 200 planets mentioned in the Wookipedia, but most people settle for just the ones they have heard of in the movies and a few of the books. The wprse part is the planets do not change... Dantooine, which according to the period right after the Rebellion succeeded was supposedly sparsely inhabited, is shown exactly the same way 4,000 years earlier which is impossible. It is like all you know of another country is the few place names you had read in books about that country. Say like an author from Russia describing a Russian Invasion force landing in Washington DC to destroy the US Government, and they immediately move to Chicago Illinois where they interrogate Al Capone, then to Dodge City Kansas and arrest Wyatt Earp and on to Hollywood where they question Marilyn Monroe to catch the Senators that fled.

There's another article for Lucasfoums in that...

Also, the leaders of the Republic are not the Jedi, but the Senate. They are either going to move to known safe locations (For our own government, there are several secret locations,)with a couple, the Greenbriar Hotel in Maryland, and Cheyenne Mountain where NORAD is located as reported, or run home to their home states.

Chats with Carth
The Penguin Squad

KOTOR, no specific time given: Revan seems to be having some problems...

Remeber to sight edit. You used scarred (Having scars) instead of scared (frightened)

When I noticed the error above, I did as I always do, and checked to see where the author is from. After all, why come down like a High school English teacher on someone who uses English as a second language? In the author's comments on themselves, there was a mention that they believed their own work is whacked, so I went back to it.

Boy is it whacked. I only had time to read the first of twelve chapters, but having Revan get distracted by the smell of cheese, then trying to imitate an owl be doing a headstand on a chair (Why that imitates an owl I have no idea) then commenting to Carth that some tap dancing had been sent to his home kept me laughing. Carth's reaction is priceless, first worried, then amused, and when he hears of the penguins, terrified.

Thanks for some great comedy!

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic
Annyneospike13

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire:

Remember to sight edit. You said farthest reached instead of reaches.

Technical note: While used as a character class of sorts in the game, scoundrel is an insulting term. The type of character you might play in that class could include people like the old mountain men who moved away from society along with all sorts of criminals from a street thug to a smuggler.

Except for what I mentioned above, the work is a basic retelling of the story from the attack to the escape from the ship. You did use improper nomenclature; ships do not have doors or rooms, they have hatches and compartments.

Aftermath
HeavenlyMuse

TSL after death of Kreia: What now?

Remember to sight edit to avoid confusion. The phrase 'revealed nothing into this ailment' in the examination doesn't make sense. I understand you're saying the diagnostic process did not reveal a cause for her coma, but that is not the way to say it.

Technical note, Hyperdrive versus primary engines: As much as the movies ignore it, you would not put two different engine types in a ship without a reason. Hyperdrive is used to get a ship from one star system to another as quickly and economically as possible. Primary engines are for maneuvering and landings. The most egregious failure in this regard is where Han has a busted hyperdrive, yet successfully reaches the Bespin system after leaving Hoth. Picture this:

Tom Ever-ready, the Hero tries to take his plane off from the airport in Vladivostok, but the jet engine doesn't work. So instead he attaches it to a big rig and decides to tow it to Johannesburg South Africa, and expects to get there the next day. Yet all he has for fuel is the two 100 gallon tanks of that vehicle, and 200 gallons will not take the truck even without that cargo the full distance.

As an example, read the section of Echoes of Honor in the Honor Harrington series where she uses the reaction thrusters of her small task force to sneak into position to destroy a larger force. The standard engines used normally both for combat maneuvering and hyperspace travel would have several months worth of fuel aboard her ships, but using just the thrusters, that endurance is so low that if her attack had failed, only the largest ships would have even been able to attempt an escape; the cruisers for example would only have had a few days of fuel left, and even her battlecruisers would have had only about a month of fuel remaining.

The distances between even close stars and their systems is vast. For example, without something like hyperdrive which finds a way around the limits Einstein set on space travel, it would take anywhere from several years to several centuries to travel the 4.24 light years (42.4 triiion kilometers) from Earth to our nearest neighbor, the Alpha and Beta Centauri pair. So deciding your are going to go half way across the galaxy (Considering the locations of both Malachor and Dantooine) in a week is like the example I mentioned above.

Also, while getting to their destination is important, you don't cut life support, such as heating the interior of the ship. Using the values given; that the temperature inside the ship had dropped by 15 degrees in just a few hours, suggests that for a trip of even the week assumed would drop the temperature to absolute zero before they arrive.

Technical note, Force Bonds: Force Bonds are never adequately explained. They are formed between teachers and students, students and other students, and in the case of the Jedi Exile, with anyone who is around her for any great length of time. But there is nothing in any of the literature that suggests a Force Bond can be lethal or seriously debilitating. Yoda for example was the master that taught Count Dooku, but he didn't collapse into unconsciousness when Dooku died. I felt (And used the premise in my own TSL work) that Kreia was lying through her teeth when she suggested that her death might kill the Exile.

The interaction with the crew was well done.

Darren
CT-325

Battle Of Geonosis: A brain damaged Clone survives, how I don't know

The piece is like a lot of jokes about the mentally challenged. In fact it reminded me of a joke about it; a guy so stupid that his sergeant wasn't even going to gife him a real weapon, so he goes out onto the battlefield armed with a mop without the head, a toilet brush as a bayonet, and urinal cakes as grenades. He's told these are super secret completely silent weapons, and to use them, he has to make the noises; bang bang for his 'rifle' stab stab for his 'bayonet', and kaboom! For his grenades.

So here you have this guy, shouting 'bang bang, occasionally shouting stab stab, and every now and then, kaboom! Finally he looks around, and sees that he and one enemy soldier are the only ones still alive. He throws his last two grenades shouting Kaboom with each, but the enemy still approaches. Then he shouts bang bang over and over until the man is close enough for him to shout stab stab. The enemy ignores all of this, and literally walks right over him.

Just before he falls unconscious, he hears the enemy soldier saying 'tank, tank, tank' over and over.

A riot. Well worth the read.

The Dark Path
Emperor Sunny

Post KOTOR: A boy seeking revenge finally finds his real target

Except for one grammar error (it should be there, not their) the writing is excellent. There are only two points I did not accept. One was having him slaughter the younglings. Couldn't he see himself torn from his family in them?

Technical note, medical technology: Even today we have replacement technology to help with deafness; cochlear implants for example. In fact the Assistant who worked For Lando on Bespin had implants that allowed him radio communications capability. So unless some of the Sith Masters got a sick thrill out of denying him that, there is no reason for him to remain deaf.

Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Reticent Savior
Athena Solaris

TSL introspection: The Exile in second person views her path

Most people have problems with second person, but you carried out pretty well. My only negative comment is having her be Kaminoan. Why that race specifically? I doubt they had enclaves of other races on their planet.

As for being gray-side, I didn't need your mention to tell me; her contempt for both sides of the equation were clearly marked, and her comments about her companions showed she was leery of them as well.

Pick of the Week

On Rakatan
Daemonetta19

KOTOR on Unknown Planet: As their minds merge, Carth has to deal with having both Revan and Avery present

I think you mean some way instead of same way. Also Rakatan is the race, not their planet.

That being said, the idea of having both personalities working together is a good touch. Whether Carth understood it or not, I knew why Revan considered them both men as a support structure.

You're also one of the only authors I have read on a number of sites who said pretty much what I did in my own KOTOR work over at Lucasforums; That after teaching your students for a decade or more that you duty is to the people of the Republic, you are supposed to not get involved in a war of survival makes no sense.

How can you be wrong, if your teachings say one thing, and your leaders say something else? It would be like a Franciscan Abbot protesting one of his monks using the alms he has collected to buy a pot of stew to feed the poor in your village!

Pick of the Week

Dreamscapes
Daemonetta19

KOTOR on the Unknown planet before the temple: Both sides of her mind contemplate the past and the future, both soon and far.

Like the previous work by the same author, you get the idea that while still polar opposites, the two parts of the woman's mind have finally grown accustomed to being two parts of the same person. I understand the hope for their future they both see, and Revan's grief that she was the cause of her friends' fall.

Excellent

Pick of the Week

Faithless
Topgallant

Pre KOTOR outside the ruins on Dantooine: Malak must finally decide

The writing is well done, the scenes clearly defined. The only problem I had was the scene that followed made me sure that Malak was the first to actually fall. When the main character remembers entering the ruins, it is Malak who was enthused by the Dark Side feel of the place, not Revan, who was focused on getting them in.

But that might just be me.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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