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Old 05-12-2013, 09:28 PM   #1338
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Three Moons

NSW: An intro into a tale of three moons

Like a lot of fairy tales, this starts with the set up and that was interesting. Making the rulers of each moon like the moons themselves was an interesting twist; pure light, pure dark, and waffling in the middle. All we have is their lands and leaders, but so far not bad at all.

I know the moons are metaphors, but part of me (That logical part) had to come up with the actual orbital mechanics to make the moons described work. I was able to for the Illuminated and the Void, but that is really just my own mind running at idle as it were.

Long time no see.

The Knights of the Old Republic

Pre-KOTOR: The adventure begins anew.

There is only three negatives I can see, first, it is far too short to get a good feel for the writer's style. Second, you used balanced when it should have been balance, but that is an editing problem. Last and most important, there is a simple rule of thumb when writing for the public called Clark's rule; never use several words when one word will do, but use a simple word instead of a complex one. I actually checked to make sure what adumbration meant, and being well read and almost 60 years old, that means I hadn't heard it used often. If you go to you have several much easier to understand words such as cloud or obscure.

You re Not Her

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: That fateful confrontation seen through Malak's eyes.

Some problems with using the wrong words; counsel (advise) rather than council, protest instead of protect, though instead of thought, lead instead of led. This is more an editing problem than anything else, so nothing major. Remember that names, even ship names, are always capitalized.

All that being said, the work is a tour de force. The reasoning behind Malak's attack makes a lot more sense than the basic story line of the game, and his attempts to get Revan to understand who she was was only cloaked by the words he used as gloating.

By looking at what had been done to Revan from where he stands, the hypocrisy of what the Jedi Council has done is thrown into sharper relief. One line stands out, because it echoes my own works; 'But then, that's not exactly difficult, they can't swear an oath to protest(Should be protect) the Republic until they think that 'something bad could happen'. I looked at what the Jedi were supposed to stand for when I finished KOTOR, and the one glaring flaw was this:

You train a group of people for their entire lives to consider the Republic more important than life itself. Yet you then first order them not to intervene to protect that body, then condemn them out of hand for refusing that order.

That made sense to me.

Excellent work, well written, and well thought out.

Pick of the Week

Conquest For Power
FlameOn Jedi

Directly post-KOTOR: The band begins dissolving as the party goes on

Only one editing quibble, dispersed implies that the person is literally disappearing. I think you meant departed.

A nice slice of life ending for the story. The idea that she needs more training is a given, but said too often, as if the Council is afraid Bastila's redemption didn't take.

Star Wars KOTOR: Struggle With Darkness

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: Sequel to Fate's Saviour. With Bastila now in enemy hands, our hero has a new focus

You used memorise(work at remembering) instead of memories. No biggie, I think you just misspellef, and the spell checker (Using British rather than American English) didn't catch it.

The piece was pretty much how the scene played out, though you did add Falcon as a character, but I think Carth gave up a bit too quickly. In fact the only thing that detracted from it was having the entire first chapter underlined. At first I thought it was just memories of the escape, and expected it to go back to a standard format, but at the end of the chapter it was still underlined.

Nine chapters long, again, I didn't have the time to read them all, but it looks good so far.

Revan's Heart

Post-KOTOR: The real reason Revan fell the second time

On;y one flaw, describing the robe as an Arab design, since Arabs are Earth centric. Commenting about the flow of the cloth was well done except for that.

The story blindsided me. I expected another 'Carth tries to return her to the light and she kills him' ho, hum.

But from the instant Bastila comes to tell her 'she really needed to deal with this now' to the end it was a stunner. The fact that her love would be roundly condemned by the Order, and that she had done everything she had because of that love surprised and delighted me.

My only worry is, does Carth stay with her even if she is supposed to be evil? Or do they find a way to have their cake and eat it too?

Pick of the Week

A Dance in the Trees
Princess Artemis

TSL on Citadel Station: an emtry in the KFM One Night Stand Challenge, Maybe it was the wrong way to ask...

I think I reacted the same way that Bastila did at the start. The piece was a rollicking good time with a scene reminiscent of the duel between Inigo Montoya and the Man In Black with the addition of Force powers. Having the fight end because of a breaking tree branch, and Dustil's explanation of what he meant made it funny enough that I was laughing out loud by the end.


Pick of the Week

It Only Takes One

TSL: Another KFM One Night Stand entry, The road to recovering his life starts with a woman he meets

Some incorrect words It's realized instead of realize, didn't instead of don't.

There were only two points that detracted from the work. The mention that he ran with a group in his teens, when you constantly get the comments that students are too old at nine. The other was the idea that the Mandalorians would blast the planet in passing. Unless it has resources or a tech base that would be valuable, but in an area they didn't intend to occupy, it would have made sense, like blowing up a base as you go by. It would have made more sense to occupy it if you're going to go to even that much effort, or obliterate it.

The piece is good because you get an in depth view of what the Exile was going through. The frantic running away from everything that reminds him of what has gone before. Until someone makes him see that there is more to life than that. His accepting her offer, first of advice, then her bed renews him.

Pick of the Week

Dead Letters
Lady Tragic

Post-KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: The message gets there, but too late

The piece is poignant. She assumed he was using her, and is shocked briefly to discover he wasn't. The end was more shocking to me than any other part.

Pick of the Week

A Matter of Perspective and Degree
Lady Tragic

AU KOTOR on Dantooine: Revan meets someone familiar...

The basis is interesting, since as the author mentions, imprisonment is an option. The piece was short enough that I read all three chapters, and the only problem I had with it...

It's too damn short!

Pick of the Week


Post TSL on Citadel Station: She says goodbye, more than once

The piece is sad, and her efforts to assure he will not follow cut deeper than anything else. The end is what you would expect, and the severing of all those bonds hurts more than anything else.

Pick of the Week

What Goes On In Atton Rand's Mind
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

TSL On Peragus: The escape seen through Atton's eyes.

The piece rambles a bit, following the basic story from where Atton sits, and ends enroute to Telos at the end of the chapter. There were funny scenes; the Exile playfully screaming for help because he has little skill at first aid, and he has to gag her.

Anguish of the Jedi
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A Jedi prisoner escapes, and plots her revenge

The piece needs some serious editing. I was having trouble following the story, and it wasn't until she meets Revan that I figured out where it fit.

The scenes where the Jedi confront them didn't flow well; the Jedi come off as Sith Wannabes because they won't allow them to be free, and supposedly kill the husband and child. Her retaliation in the first few paragraphs is sadistic, and the Jedi she's torturing falling back on the 'this is not the Jedi Way' is like a group of Hardcore Nazis slaughtering a few thousand Jews, then talking about honor when they are captured.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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