View Single Post
Old 06-01-2013, 09:31 AM   #1341
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful!

No Food for Fishies Today
Lyrik Proz

KOTOR on Manaan: What DO you do about the Whimpering Locker?

The whimpering locker in the undersea habitat is one of those thing I used to throw into the old D&D game back when I was a DungeonMaster (Try the mid 70s, you know, when dinosaurs ruled the Earth). You know what I mean. Hack and slash, blood and gore, then suddenly in the middle of all of it, something that makes you either giggle, laugh out loud, or maybe just roll your eyes.

The author starts off tongue in cheek, just pronounce the handle above, and go from there. If that wasn't a good enough clue, do the same with the Jedi's name as Kev does.

The piece is part humor, and a bit of pathos. You as the player know the person in the locker is safe now, but try convincing him.

Atton's New Lightsaber
Angelof Geeks

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: What do you do if someone makes an assumption? Go with it!

The piece is cute, primarily because of the innuendo, a staple of stage and screen comedy, and well used here. The ending left me a bit flat, because Atton goes from joking to serious in a couple of seconds flat.

SWKOTOR Memories

Six moths Post TSL: The people following our two heroes into the unknown are starting to worry the Council...

The Author's first fanfic, so I'll be gentle.

Remember conversation breaks, which you missed in the paragraph where the Masters are pontificating. In your profiles (All three of them) you commented on cleaning up problems, and I can see where you have. But you still need to sight edit for grammar and word usage. You used lone when you meant long, you're (You are) when you meant your (Possessive) of instead of off, that kind of thing. Since they would pass a spell check, I assume it's the same problem I sometimes have, the story flow going a bit fast and you miss the errors.

Technical note, Military: An admiral doesn't just 'decide' to take leave. I'm using the US military as an example, and in the service you get two weeks leave every year, to a total of two months, because it doesn't roll over after that. An Admiral is one of those who is assumed to have an important enough job that unless he has to take his leave to avoid losing any addition, no one can tell him he has to. By the same token, he can't just decide to take it; his superiors (Whether a superior officer, the man in charge of his separate service, such as Chief of Staff of the Army, or his civilian commander (Secretary of the Army, Secretary of Defense, or President) has to authorize it. This can take hours (You're tired, and they feel you need rest) to weeks (Your position is vital, and they aren't sure if your vice [assistant] can handle it).

Technical note, just being a mean old man: I liked the idea that Mical of all people had figured out why they were being called in. But there was a glaring catch there. You see, let's take modern life as an example: the CIA has created the ability to alter long term memory and literally erase parts of someone's past. We're not talking a Neuralizer like they use in Men in Black, which is really a sledgehammer in comparison to merely reprogramming portions of the physical computer we all carry in our heads.

Agent 'A' who up until a few months ago was merely a cog in the machine has suddenly begun to act in a manner the head office considers dangerous to the agency. So they are going to pull him in, erase that last assignment. First; almost every agent working for a secret organization has a 'retirement' fund he's created for when his agency Rifs him, whether it is money or data that he can use to assure they don't Rif him with a bullet behind the ear. As in this case, a fallback that will be able to give him back part of what they are taking away.

So the council brings them in. While they are cleaning out all of the memories, technicians are going to do the same with the ship and droids, just as the CIA in my analogy would be vacuuming the computers and physical media, books, data storage etc, from the agent's residence. But here is where the Council's plan might have a serious flaw.

I am sure that the T3 design is as ubiquitous as the R2 and C3 models are in the 'modern' Star Wars universe, they can merely get another unit, check to see what data they can safely transfer, and do so, telling the new droid, that he is now T3-M4. But even with the HK50 and 51 models, I don't see them being able to do the same. HK47 accortding to the Wookiepedia was designed and built by Revan, the later models something created by an outside agency. But I am willing to bet that like their 'progenitor', his primary core (The original programming created by Revan) was sealed so that if he ever returned to Revan, it would be there for later use.

So the programmers (If they were experts) would recognize that there were memory segments not accessible to them, and that they cannot carry out their mission. In this case, it would be easier to notify the Masters and they would merely add those memories to the data erasure; Atton would return to the ship, and greet T3, but would not remember the assassin droid either.

The situation is interesting. I know why the Council would want to stop them from following; the Republic is still fragile. But on whose authority beyond their own have they made this decision?

The author did do one thing I heartily approve of; because among those Atton recognizes is Visas, meaning Jolee and Juhani also have to be in that mix. This suggests that whatever they plan is also a secret from the remainder of the order.

The author has created a new account called Kamikaze_Watermelon, then to DreamingAvidly in case you're interested. I have note it here so that when and if I run into other works, I can keep track.

Sixteen chapters long. I wish I could read them all, since we still do not know exactly how comprehensive the data removal is going to be at the end of chapter one.

Pick of the Week

Dakari: The Real Story
Artemis' Bow

KOTOR on Taris: A unique look at the relationship between Bastila and Revan

I tend to play Revan as female (Still do, regardless of 'canon') and I, like the author, never liked Carth that much. There was too much emotional baggage even at the best of times, and having someone so profoundly paranoid made me want to 'accidentally' kill him. Thanks to the mods that have been created for the game, the situation the author describes can occur, so if you want to flirt and have Bastila fall in love with your female character, it can happen.

In my own KOTOR fiction over at Lucasforums I went for another approach; I expanded on the Echani who until about four years ago, were merely some offshoot race with no definition. I had Revan be one of the Echani races, a red haired version instead of platinum blonde, and made them empathic, which explains the strength of the Force Bond between her and Bastila.

I also made their race both a martial one, but also one that would appear to an outsider, as very libertine; relationships are judged by those within that relationship, not by outsiders. My Revan bonded with Bastila during their fight on the Star Forge using one of those forms; technically according to my version of Echani society, it doesn't matter what sex the other member of a marriage is because there are scientific means to arrange for progeny. I did it again in another form with my female Exile and the mod that allows you choose the Handmaiden instead of Mical (Don't even get me started on him!), by having my Exile choose her as both sister and Battle-companion. I also had Atris' madness begin because she wanted a stronger relationship, and one of her personalities finally admits it to the Exile in their climactic battle.

The piece was very well done. The interplay with Bastila is clearly defined, whereas the others are just window dressing behind them both. Eight monster chapters long, again it's one of those I wish I could read completely.

Pick of the Week


Pre TSL: Atton never saw it coming...

It's emotionally atrophied, not emotional.

We all know the story behind what happened between Atton and his last Jedi victim, but the author does it in a subtle manner that makes her opening up his mind as much a shock for us as it was for Atton.

Pick of the Week

Merry Happy
Darth Avery

From TSL to three years after: Atton waits patiently for his love to return

It's met her, not here bear (Carry) instead of bare (Nude). You misspelled Dantooine and Malachor as well. Forgot some quotation marks, but no biggie with any of that.

The piece is tied to the song, and mainly vignettes from the game and the early aftermath. There is only one flaw:

A comlink is like a hand radio issued to the troops. It is a short ranged tactical device. So unless the Exile was in the Nal Hutta system, or patched into the hypercom system and broadcasting it everywhere, he shouldn't have received her message on Nar Shaddaa if she is bound for Coruscant, a quarter of the Galaxy away. It would be like a trooper stationed in Afghanistan transmitting a message while on patrol, and being picked up on the East Coast.

Nicely done.

Pick of the Week

Fall of a Dark Lord

You used the wrong word several times. Immensity(the fact of being immense) does not match the way the sentence is phrased. You also used faltered (has already) instead of faltering (In the process)

It was cute to equate a violet lightsaber blade with the word violent, considering her past.

The piece was a bit generic, the verbal interplay a little too trite. Saying the light will always prevail needed a better metaphor; as in saying that like a sunrise, the light will return, though mentioning that the darkness within that light will return was good. It was interesting that Revan as she is now realizes that the code is wrong, even as she fights to preserve it. Her arguments against denying emotions a perfect example of the flaws in the logic of the code as stated.

The Mandalorian Wars

Mandalorian Wars: The war from several views

Remember to reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. The sentence 'Those who stayed and took up his offer and sacrificed body parts and went through amputations and transplants at his hands were spared and those who were assimilated into the Mandalorians clans were also spared.' is long, convoluted, and confusing. You also used the wrong word several times, seen rather than saw, want instead of wanted, sit instead of sat, or used the same word such as the word 'such' twice.

The story was more confusing than anything else. Having a renegade Vong actively assisting would have been noticed however, if only by wild stories, and unless Republic intelligence is totally clueless, they would have recorded it.

From Behind The Mask

KOTOR: What if Revan was of an unknown alien race?

The basics are interesting, and honestly the only reason Revan is human is Canon.

KOTOR II and a half: Dark and Light United
Fellowship of Darl Light

Post TSL: A collaborative effort, As Robert Frost said (Paraphrased) the best laid escape plans...

Remember to reread and edit before posting, you used course (direction) when you meant coarse (Rough) and for got to finish out sentences such as 'He wasn't her punching bag but if (he) had sent'.

That being said, the editing errors above were overriden by the sheer humor of the piece. Naming a Gizka Snackcake for example, and witty repertoire such as...

"W-What's that do?" The Jedi asked hesitantly.

"Hell if I know but there's only one way to find out." Neko said with a shrug as he activated the device causing the object so screech before it started spinning at an alarming speed. Keyan grew increasingly nervous as the object neared him.

"Isn't the point of an interrogation to ask your prisoners questions before you torture them?" He said hastily while all the time trying to sink into the stone tablet behind him.

"Who said I was interrogating you? This, my friend, is stress relief."

And of course the Sith female using her 'assets' to confuse some clueless Jedi boy...

Pick of the Week

To Eternity
The Fico

Starting in KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Canderous and Revan admit their feelings

The piece was fun on many levels. First, of all the men Revan could end up with, Canderous is by far the best. I am sure if you check every male member of the crew he is the one who would accept her as she is, and not be totally heartbroken by being left behind when she has to leave. Second, I like the Mando'a society, at least as created by Karen Traviss and added to by yours truly.

Pick of the Week

Maul's Intervention

KOTOR AU: Darth Maul is thrown into a vortex, where will he end up?

The idea of Maul ending up back in the KOTOR period is an interesting twist. However, why did he ignore the orders to keep an eye on the two Jedi to run off and practice?

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,