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Old 06-07-2013, 09:49 AM   #1342
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Another Shot of Juma
Sandra Evans

Post TSL: With the Exile now in search of Revan, Atton drowns his sorrow.

The piece is a nice introspective study. Atton is trying to fall back into his old ways, but they aren't as satisfying as they had been. We are left with a man who is facing what every Soldier's wife has faced; that while they love you, the mission comes first.

Pick of the week

The Sound of Revenge
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post TSL: Just two normal families...

Remember, reread, edit, rewtie, polish. You forgot to finish sentences several times and have some grammar problems.

The piece is an interesting look at our heroes and their lives after their adventures. The young boy's logic is exactly what you would anticipate from an eight year old, and Atton is the type of father that is either condescending, or overly spoiling. His wanting to trade his daughter for the Onasi's son is also what you would anticipate, since the girl doesn't enjoy the same things her father does.

Dreams, Stars, Nightmares

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: The Exile makes her decision, even knowing the consequences

Remember to sight edit. You left out the word “A” before commotion for example. No biggie, when I am writing a story in flow of consciousness mode, I misspell and leave out words galore. I just remember to reread to catch it.

It is an interesting take on the Exile, obsessing on a class she had failed, and a teacher gently finding a way past the block. The idea that the Order is going to Exile every Jedi that survives to return from the wars a bit over the top, though religious orders do tend to overreact to challenges to their authority.

Pick of the Week

Brown Eyed Girl

Four and a half years post KOTOR: Revan returns, with a surprise

The piece is almost a storybook ending. The only problem I had is this would make the girl about three, and most three year olds are not that coherent (Comes from being third of eight kids when I was still at home) But beyond that very enjoyable.

As for age, Carth is supposed to be in his early to mid 30s in KOTOR. So having him be 42 isn't that big a stretch.

Pick of the Week

Teach a Man to Fish
Lyrik Proz

Several years Post KOTOR: Kev, our friend from the Whimpering Locker tries to adjust

The piece is a good follow-up to No Food for Fishies. I didn't need a description of their location to know it wasn't Manaan; after all, only a lunatic would have wanted to stay on that planet after what he had gone through. His self-deprecation is normal, yet he's standing near water, and actually helping someone else to catch a fish rather than running screaming.

Spare Parts, Chemicals, and Components
Sh1 n0 m1k0

A series of TSL Vignettes: A dark side Exile finally completes Mical's damnation

I have never played TSL from the Darkside version, primarily, because what I did was choose what I considered the 'right' answer, which meant every Exile went from mediocre to super good without even trying. Of course this means that all of your team also make that ascent. This is an interesting take on Mical because as he is being dragged along with her into the pit, he is regretting her actions, not his own.

Four chapters long. Well worth the read

Second Series of KOTOR One Shots

Ten years Post-KOTOR on Dantooine: The long wait is finally over, but it is not a happy ending.

The first chapter is kind of sad, because there is no middle ground. Revan has fallen again, but part of her still wants Carth's love. But since she can't have him in the light, it is the only option her training gives her.


KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A new look for Bastila

The piece is a bit funny because first you picture Bastila, then picture her not three sheets to the wind, but maybe two with the hands raising the third. She's at that pleasant 'I'm not drunk' stage that makes her easier to talk to. Unfortunately, I can see her as a weeping drunk with a little more...

Pick of the Week

The Phantom Brick

Phantom Menace Ala Legos: The Jedi finally escape

The humor was there, but it was forced in some cases. The argument between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon as the droids just stood there waiting to be killed was highly amusing, especially their finally destroying the droids because they had an appointment with death...

Something About Us

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Sometime you can say it in a song

The piece is fun to read, and there are five chapters to go. Using a song is well enough, and everyone has that one song that describes them inside, so that is acceptable.

My only problem is from when Atton wakes up to the end. After all, the cockpit of the Hawk is not that big, so there isn't a lot of 'heading toward' someone space as it were.

Wrath of the Diston

During the battle of Geonosis: A fire team gets caught in battle

The piece is far too short to get a good feeling about style. There are technical flaws, one with the writer, but the other the premise he is using.

Technical, Injury: You have the Clone who got shot aboard the gunship act as if nothing had happened. The first time under fire, even a trained soldier would do more than look and signal it's nothing. Flexing the arm to assure movement, even flinching. This scene would make sense with a droid, but not with a human being, and even if mass produced, clones are still human.

Technical, Squad: In the Galaxies and battle front games, they use a three man squad, why I don't know, since a squad is about twelve men at full strength in the modern army; about a full load for a single gunship. What you have here in reality is a squad breaking into fire teams, which are between two and three men each. Also a squad is not a command billet for a 1st lieutenant, it is what a sergeant would command. This is not to say the lieutenant could not be landing with that specific squad, just that he would be commanding a 44 man platoon.


Pre TSL: The adventure begins, just not what you would anticipate

Remember conversation breaks. At least they were separated by some actions occuring, but it can be confusing to the reader if they're not sure who is talking.

Technical note, her 'ship': Unless your version of the Republic is more like the old SS or KGB, you're not going to literally kidnap someone, yet that is exactly what we see. Without a warrant for arrest or a request for the person to accompany the authorities, the end of chapter one is illegal. In my own Return From Exile (Over at Lucasforums' Coruscant Entertainment Center) I had Republic Intelligence send to men to 'ask' her to go with them, not a group that literally drugs her and drags her aboard. Also, someone who had been through four years of war would not have been this clueless.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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