Grim Fandango is clearly deeply satanic. I'm shocked and surprised that it wasn't banned outright!
I mean, at least in all those games that are popular with the kids - like Quake - you're fighting the forces of darkness with a shotgun and a big grin, like any decent American would. There's nothing like blasting a bunch of ghouls and ogres for teaching children the difference between right and wrong. Blood-thirsty twitch games, you say? Nonsense! The strongest moral guiding hand available for the personal computer!
Now take the despicable likes of Grim Fandango, invading our children's homes by stealth and teaching them the ways of the Devil! Take the Number Nine. The train is clearly possessed by Satan itself. How else can it randomly decide to
jump off the tracks into a big hole
? Decent, God-fearing American trains don't do that! And yet, our poor innocent children are led to believe that taking a ride on this monstrosity is the best after-death reward possible. Outrageous!
And what about those flaming beavers? They are clearly under the direct control of the forces of darkness, or at the very least harbour pure evil in their blackened hearts. They're no better than Saddam Hussein!
But at least they need hearts to function. Glottis, who poses as your "friend" throughout the game, survives for several minutes without one, clearly revealing his true identity as Beezlebub. Also, he is orange - yet more damning evidence!
And what of your latest exploits, Schafer? A game where you run around in the human BRAIN? Good grief man! Will your sacrilege never end? Who do you think you are, GOD
Our path is clear. We must do everything in our power to get these evil products of Satan off our shelves, possibly by burning every single copy in a big pile. Before it's too late!