lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: Razputin's Life:Chapter 1
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 02-18-2006, 07:25 PM   #1
zelda 41
Loop Zoop
 
zelda 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,546
Current Game: FFX HD/Persona 3 Portable
Razputin's Life:Chapter 1

Heres my new fanfic. Enjoy. Note: Look for more of the story later on this month.This is a (very) short chapter book.

Chapter 1:Enter Razputin
Darkness surrounded the area. The smell of fungi filled the air along with the odd smell of rotten meat. The young boy, startled, looked around, choking on air. He looked around acking as if he would die. Then, out of nowhere, he gave out a yelp. The boy was standing in water.The water rose quickly, and soon, he drowned...

"Razputin!"
The boy woke up and (still in the state of shock) screamed,

"THE HAND IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!"

"Razputin! Please calm down,son."
Raz's father stood there,along with his mother and sister, staring at him.

"OH MY GOD!!! AM I IN HE--"

"Care to repeat that, young man?"
Raz's mother stood there looking at him really P.O.ed.

"Heck?"Raz said scared even more.

Clara snickered. Clara was Raz's little, annoying, and fat sister. Her dark pink hair made her stand out,like her mother, but she was still ugly and annoying.

"SHUT UP, CLARA!!, Raz yelled at her.
She rolled her eyes.

"Never mind. Just get dressed.The show starts in a hour."
The family left, leaving Raz to get dressed.He got dressed, brushed his hair and teeth, and hurried down to the circus tent to start the show.

End of chapter 1

Last edited by zelda 41; 02-19-2006 at 10:14 AM.
zelda 41 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-18-2006, 07:31 PM   #2
Smon
Bizarro
 
Smon's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Rapid City, SD
Posts: 4,197
Current Game: Payday 2
Forum Veteran LFN Staff Member 
It's very... short...


I'm done putting links in my signature because every time I do it just links to some old crap I've long since stopped updating.
Smon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-18-2006, 07:37 PM   #3
zelda 41
Loop Zoop
 
zelda 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,546
Current Game: FFX HD/Persona 3 Portable
Oh... crap...
zelda 41 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-18-2006, 08:13 PM   #4
Klia
The Pitfall
 
Klia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Steamboat Willie...'s pants
Posts: 2,655
Hot Topic Starter 
It's not that good.

The plot is rushed and I feel disorineted as I read it. The action is not at all set up and the scene is just jumped into. Also, never put how a character is feeling in () as they serve another purpose.

Raz, while I can't say he's OOC seems very one-dimensional as do the other characters.


This is a great idea, however the execution needs work.
Klia is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-18-2006, 08:52 PM   #5
kaecla
Rookie
 
kaecla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Whispering Rock
Posts: 49
Definitely has some grammatical errors. Remember that when a new person talks, a new paragraph is started. I just ran it through word and bolded all of the mistakes.

Darkness surounded the area. The smell of fungi filled the air along with the odd smell of rotten meat. The young boy, starteled, looked around, choking on air. He looked around acking as if he would die. Then, out of nowhere, he gave out a yelp. The boy was standing in water.The water rose quickly, and soon, he drowned...

"Razputin!"The boy woke up and (still in the state of shock) screamed,"THE HAND IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!""Razputin! Please calm down,son." Raz's father stood ther,along with his mother and sister, staring at him."OH MY GOD!!! AM I IN HE--""Care to repeat that, young man?"Raz's mother stood there looking at him really P.O.ed."Heck?"Raz said scared even more.

Clara snickered. Clara was Raz's little, annoying, and fat sister. Her dark pink hair made her stand out,like her mother, but she was still ugly and annoying."SHUT UP, CLARA!!", Raz yelled at her. She rolled her eyes."Never mind. Just get dressed.The show starts in a hour."The family left, leaving Raz to get dressed.He got dressed, brushed his hair and teeth, and hurried down to the circus tent to start the show.

Here's the edited version.


Darkness surrounded the area. The smell of fungi filled the air along with the odd smell of rotten meat. The young boy, startled, looked around, choking on air. He looked around **acking** as if he would die. Then, out of nowhere, he gave out a yelp. The boy was standing in water. The water rose quickly, and soon, he drowned...

"Razputin!" The boy woke up and (still in the state of shock) screamed, "THE HAND IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!"

"Razputin! Please calm down, son." Raz's father stood there, along with his mother and sister, staring at him.

"OH MY GOD!!! AM I IN HE--"

"Care to repeat that, young man?" Raz's mother stood there looking at him really P.O.ed.

"Heck?"Raz said scared even more.

Clara snickered. Clara was Raz's little, annoying, and fat sister. Her dark pink hair made her stand out, like her mother, but she was still ugly and annoying. "SHUT UP, CLARA!!", Raz yelled at her. She rolled her eyes.
"Never mind. Just get dressed. The show starts in a hour." The family left, leaving Raz to get dressed. He got dressed, brushed his hair and teeth, and hurried down to the circus tent to start the show.

**don’t know what acking means…


No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate. - House

kaecla is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-18-2006, 10:00 PM   #6
zelda 41
Loop Zoop
 
zelda 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,546
Current Game: FFX HD/Persona 3 Portable
Okay.Man I Suck
zelda 41 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-19-2006, 10:15 AM   #7
zelda 41
Loop Zoop
 
zelda 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,546
Current Game: FFX HD/Persona 3 Portable
I fixed it!! YAY!!
zelda 41 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-19-2006, 11:40 AM   #8
Klia
The Pitfall
 
Klia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Steamboat Willie...'s pants
Posts: 2,655
Hot Topic Starter 
Zelda41, I'm not trying to make you feel bad and you certainly don't suck..,..no one sucks. However even with the fix the story still is not that great. Please read my post over again.
Klia is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-19-2006, 12:01 PM   #9
KingCheez
that didnt last because i
 
KingCheez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: i use my laptop from my bed 99% of the time
Posts: 2,068
Take a writing class in summercamps for the gifted like I did, or just normal public summerschools.

They won't actually make you better, but you'll be inspired.

KingCheez is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Psychonauts Discussion at Razputin's Domain > Razputin's Domain Forums > Thorney Towers Creativity Room > Razputin's Life:Chapter 1

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:51 PM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.