lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: [Fic] Ace of Spades
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 01-23-2007, 12:21 AM   #1
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
[Fic] Ace of Spades

Ace of Spades - newest fan fiction (1-22-07). I've actually been working on this fiction for about a week or so, it's been hard to perfect the first chapter. But I think it's come out great. So without further ado, I give you: Ace of Spades!

Note: Thanks to beta readers, who helped in some parts of this fiction.


Chapter One: Pazaak

“Game!” I shouted.

This was about my twentieth game of the day, and I still held the title of 'undefeated pazaak champion'. The Duros across the table was obviously furious, his dark blue skin turned bright purple within seconds. He jumped from his seat and created a scene in the cantina, accusing me of cheating. Every time I win a damned match at pazaak, I always hear the same excuse for failure; “You cheated!” or, “That was all a fluke!”. When is someone just going to accept the fact that I'm better than them?

“Don't get mad because you don't have the skills to beat me.” I taunted as I rested my feat on the pazaak table.

The Duros grew a little huffy, but he decided not to push the argument. A wise choice, since there were plenty of guards watching the scene. He simply walked away with a glare, which didn't bother me. I watched as he stormed out of the cantina, and then piled the cards in a neat stack.

“Any more challengers?” I asked as I shuffled the cards. A middle-aged man came over to the empty seat across from me, and took a seat.

“I'm up for a game, sure.” he said.

“How many credits do you want to bet?” I asked.

He crossed his arms and stared at the ceiling to think. “How about 100?” he offered.

“Sounds good to me.” I replied. “Do you want to add any cards to your bet?”.

“No no, just credits.”.

I finished shuffling the deck and set it neatly on the center of the table. With that being done I took out all of the cards from my pocket, and began to ponder on which cards to use for my side deck. I had a pretty good collection of cards, I've been saving the rare ones ever since I first played the addictive game. I had from the default card of +1 to the unique and airy card such as +2/-2T. My deck seemed unbeatable. After a while of thinking, I decided to use the following cards:

+5/-5
D (double)
+1/-1T
-7

My deck was unbeatable. I picked out my lucky side deck, same four cards nearly all the time. I laid my cards facing down, and waited for the opponent to ready. By the look of his face he was choosing his cards with care, thinking of all the results and consequences of his selections. After a minute or two, he was ready to play. He set his cards face down and looked up to my eyes.

“Your move.” he said. “What's your name by the way?” he asked friendly.

“I'm Ace Ren,” I introduced. “and you are?”.

“I'm Reche, and I'm not one who gives out my last name to strangers.”.

I smiled and drew a card from the deck. I picked up a +10 card, a rather lucky draw. I set the card face up above my side deck, and awaited for him to continue the game. He reached for the stack, and removed the top card from the deck. When he looked at it, he frowned, and I smiled. Reche laid the card down, revealing a +1. I chuckled slightly, shaking my head. I picked up my face down D (double) card from the side deck, and added it to the +10 card I received earlier. My total was now 20, just the right amount.

Reche sighed loudly as he brushed his hair back with his hand. “Not the best luck I'm having.” he said.

“Guess not.” my reply had a little bit of mockery in it, but I don't think he noticed.

Reche grabbed another card from the main deck, and laid it down next to his +1. It was a +9 card, giving him the total of 10. He looked at his face down side deck, trying to remember what was available for use. After a short moment, he once again pulled another card from the deck. He looked a little happier. He showed me another +9 card in his hand, making his total 19.

He looked back down at his side deck, and showed a little grin on his face. He put his hand on the third card from the left, and flipped it over to show a +1T. My jaw partly dropped. Both of our totals were 20, but since he used the +1T card, he won the round.

“Guess I am getting some luck today!” Reche said delighted.

All I could say was, “Guess so.”.

Both Reche and I collected all of the cards used in that round and moved them off to the side. Both of us remained with only three cards from our side deck left, and the score was 0-1. By this time a small audience has gathered around our table to watch what remained of the match.

Being slightly nervous I drew a card from the deck, it was a +8. As I set the card on the table, Reche had already grabbed a card from the deck. He showed the audience, and then me. It was a +20, which was the only one placed inside the main deck. The small crowd applauded slightly.

“Damn.” I snorted out loud.

“There isn't any need for profanity, son. It's only a game.” Reche said.

“Yeah, okay.” I pretended to care.

As the old geezer lay back in his chair, I continued the game. My next card came out to be a +7, making my total 15. I remembered the +5/-5 card I had in my side deck, but I didn't want to waste that card just to tie. I decided to take a risk, and drew another card. Luckily, it came out to be a +4, leaving me with 19. I then adjoined my admirable +1/-1T card, making the total 20, which gave me the win. The assemblage of people cheered for the intense game of pazaak.

“Damn...” Reche lightly whispered.

“There's no reason for profanity. It's just a game.” I mocked. Reche glared at me, but had no reply. I felt proud of myself for making him feel stupid.

Now my side deck only had two cards left in it, and Reche had three. But at least we were even in the score, which was 1-1. Once again we cleared up the used cards, and set them aside.

“I'll start the round this time.” Reche winked at me.

“Fine.”.

Reche reached for a card, and looked at the +10 font engraved in the middle of the card. He laid the card down, to show me and the crowd of people, what he drew. As I extended my arm out for a card, a woman in the small crowd shouted, “He's cheating!”. I stopped moving, freezing my arm in the air hovering above the main deck of pazaak cards.

I looked at the woman in the audience, she was pointing at Reche. Suddenly guardsmen came rushing to the pazaak table, grabbing him by his arms. They lifted him up out of his chair, which showed him pulling a D (double) card out from his sleeve.

“This is outrageous, put me down!” Reche shouted. The uniformed guards had no reply for Reche, they simply carried him out of the cantina. “Serves him right!” words could be heard. “Disgraceful, pitiful!”.

After a few moments, everyone had departed from the pazaak table I was seated at, and went away to do something else enjoyable in the cantina. I let out a huge sigh of relief, I thought I had been caught. After looking around to check if anyone was looking, I hurried to take the +2/-2T card out from my sleeve, and neatly piled it with my deck.

Yeah, the Duros and everyone else was right, I cheat. But at least I'm good at it, and I don't get caught. Once my deck of cards was placed inside my jacket pocket, I got out from my seat, pushed the chair into the table, and walked outside of the cantina. A rodian guard, one of the guards who helped escort Reche out, came up to me as I exited.

“Your credits, for winning the match.” he spoke in galactic basic. He reached his hand out holding one hundred credits. I didn't hesitate to accept the credits from his hand.

“Thanks.” I said as he turned and walked back into the cantina.

I looked around Nar Shaddaa, it was a horrible sight to see, but it was home. I grew tired, and decided that the day was at it's end. I slowly walked down the ramps that hovered a thousand levels above the surface, and headed for home.



Last edited by KotO[REvan]; 01-29-2007 at 08:44 PM.
KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-24-2007, 03:27 PM   #2
Jabner
Lurker
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 9
Oh yeah, this thing. I remember when you showed it to me at your house. As I said before, it's good.


Hi everyone I'm new and I'm really looking forward to becoming a good friend to everyone and making friends with you all. I like star wars (well duh otherwise I wouldnt be on this web) and I like to hang out with my buddies like evan and daniel. my favorite character is most definately revan cause hes cool and malak is really gay for trying to kill him.
Jabner is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-24-2007, 04:38 PM   #3
CSI
Aa! Megami-sama!
 
CSI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Tariki Hongan Temple, City of
Posts: 1,797
Current Game: Frozen Throne
Helpful! 
Can't say I approve this concept, of a cheater not getting caught. But however it's your work.




| Muunilinst 10 | Real Life | Exiled Jedi Weapon Master | Ex-Sith Marauder | Gunslinger |
Killed in a suicide attempt of ramming his own ship, Ravager, onto the surface of Telos IV. --Casualty Report: Order 66
CSI is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-24-2007, 05:06 PM   #4
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
I thought the cheater did get caught? Any way you have a nice beginning here and I see that you put quite a bit of effort into getting the feel of the high tensions as the match wears on. I got the feeling that you were trying to put forth that the best cheater never gets caught. I like how you chose Nar Shadda as the setting since it is the smuggler's moon and we know of the implications. The attitude of the cocky one, Ace is typical. You seem to have laid a clear path of where you want to run with this story and I would like to see more.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-24-2007, 07:02 PM   #5
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
@CSI: Nihilus:

It was never my intention to encourage cheating, or to approve of it. This is just a story of a typical guy on Nar Shaddaa.

@JM12:

Thanks for the constructive comments/critiques, I always accept those. And I'm glad you like it. And yes, I do know what lays ahead for the future of this story, so expect more!

And also:

Quote:
Originally Posted by JM12
I thought the cheater did get caught?
One of them did, but the other didn't:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ace of Spades
After a few moments, everyone had departed from the pazaak table I was seated at, and went away to do something else enjoyable in the cantina. I let out a huge sigh of relief, I thought I had been caught. After looking around to check if anyone was looking, I hurried to take the +2/-2T card out from my sleeve, and neatly piled it with my deck.
Thanks for the replies.



Last edited by KotO[REvan]; 01-24-2007 at 08:01 PM.
KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-26-2007, 08:14 PM   #6
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Thanks Gray Master!
Update (1-26-07): Ace of Spades, chapter two on release! Currently editing and reviewing to be ready for post!


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-27-2007, 06:39 AM   #7
Daft Adidas
Full of Lies
 
Daft Adidas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Metri Border
Posts: 1,138
I think it's good 9/10 so far a different story a neat idea keep it up.

Daft Adidas is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-27-2007, 06:35 PM   #8
Darth Randus
Forumite
 
Darth Randus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 601
So far from what ive read of this story, i think its great... I cant wait to see chapter two when its finished. Take your time writing it, you dont want to rush a good story. It should be thought out and planned carefully.
Darth Randus is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-27-2007, 06:56 PM   #9
Dark_Lady
Forumite
 
Dark_Lady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: We're on a need to know basis here...
Posts: 638
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Yes, I agree. This is a very good story, and I like how you developed the main character. I tend to enjoy stories about Nar Shaddaa, scoundrels, or both. So I'll definitely be reading.



There's a bit of the shadowy side in all of us.

Except those freakazoid Jedi nutcases.
Dark_Lady is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-28-2007, 07:03 AM   #10
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Thanks for the comments
It's true that the chapters are coming along very slowly, but for good reasons. Promised, each chapter will be perfected, beta read, and edited. And on top of that, I have a few other things to take care of (personal), but it will be continued!

So once again thanks for the replies, you can trust that CH2+ will come out!


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-29-2007, 08:39 PM   #11
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Alright, about time! Chapter two, out and ready for reviews! Enjoy!

Chapter Two: Dreams, or Secrets?

I opened the front door to my house, the place looked pretty empty, as it usually was. I wasn't the richest guy on Nar Shadda, leading me to spend my money wisely. I only had the things I absolutely needed to live: a couch, television holograms, and an exotic beverage dispenser.

I walked inside and closed the front door. The first thing I did was the same as every late night when I come home tired, I planted myself onto my couch and quickly went to sleep.

* * *

“You must command it, use it against it's will, and then, only then will you become strong!” a hooded figure said. The tone of his voice made him sound somewhat impatient.

“Yes my master.” I said as I attempted to lift a stone from the ground. Once again I failed.

“You're waiting for a reply from the Force, do not hesitate, order it's powers to be yours!”

I nodded, and again I reached out and tried to remove the stone from the surface ground. My Sith mentor shook his head at my failure.

“Do not be fooled, you control the Force, not the other way around!”

I could tell by now that my master was disgusted with me. I did not want to be seen as scum to my very mentor. I sat and crossed my legs, then closed my eyes to resume further concentration. As I focused more on the stone, the more I could feel the Force's unique abilities. It was as if I could see the Force all around me, and it was my very slave.

The stone slowly lifted from the ground, but I continued to keep my eyes shut. My Sith Master watched the rock ascend into the sky of Korriban, I could sense that he was pleased. I thought I could nearly see him smiling, through the Force.

“Good...” he praised slowly and eerily .

I opened my eyes, and stopped the connection through the Force I had. I stood up, and seconds later the stone came falling down from the sky, leaving a dent in the ancient dirt of Korriban.

“You've done well, my young apprentice.”

“Thank you, Lord Nipheous.” I said.

“Let us go back to the academy, your training for the day is complete. You've taken your first step toward the dark side!” Nipheous said.


* * *

“Excellent Ace, excellent!” Darth Nipheous complimented. The crimson lightsaber hurtled back into my hands.

“You're rapidly increasing your skills with the lightsaber. Yet I've noticed that you're knowledge of the Force itself isn't one of your better talents.” Nipheous stated.

“There is no power with the Force, moving a stone and pushing sticks won't kill your enemies. Lightsabers are different, they can cut through any object, they can obliterate your opponents in a blink of an eye!” I quickly explained.

“If you think a mere lightsaber is stronger than the dark side of the Force, then you are very wrong.” Nipheous said, his face grew an evil look; his eyes squinted and his eyebrows curled. “The dark side is the pathway to unlimited power, to complete destruction, and even to immortality! Can a lightsaber bring forth life? Can a lightsaber destroy a system of stars? Can a lightsaber create a wormhole in the deepest part of space?”

“.. No, it can't.” I answered shyly.

“Though, if you are strong enough, you can achieve certain goals with a lightsaber that even the Force cannot do.” My master's voice lightened up.

“Like what?” I asked in a hurry.

“You are interested in power... that much I can tell,” he began. “but I do not think you are ready for this lesson. You have only fallen so far, and can not comprehend the values of the lightsaber.”

“But I've learned so much!” I complained.

“One year's worth of training is not enough! You are not ready!” he spat at me.

I knew better than to talk back to my teacher, he was not one to argue with. “Yes my master.”


* * *

My eyes popped open, I was in an uncomfortable position on my couch. My arms were touching the floor, and my legs were rested under the cushions, blocking my blood from flowing smoothly. Both of my legs were completely numb, and it took a while for the feeling to come back.

I slowly removed myself from the couch, wanting to position myself better. To my surprise, a knock came from the door. I grunted in frustration, making sure I was loud enough so they could hear me. I hesitantly walked to the door. As it opened the cold breeze rushed through, giving me goosebumps and shivers.

“Happy birthday!”

I widened my eyes a little more, to clear my vision. Standing outside was my best friend, Eila.

“Well...? Say something!” she bawled.

“Go back to sleep.” I replied. I walked over to my couch and laid back down, leaving the door open as if I was trying to invite her in.

“Oh come on, really, your twenty-first birthday isn't that special to you?”

“What time is it?” I mumbled.

“Your birthday!”

Knowing I wouldn't get a reasonable answer, I turned on the T.V. And went to the main station, where it always showed the local time.

“Midnight..” I groaned

“Also it's your b-”

“Yes I know, my birthday.” Don't get me wrong, Eila was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. She was nice, thoughtful, and perky. But sometimes, she was a little too perky.

“What are you doing on your couch?” Eila asked. “Get up!”

“I'm sleeping, now go away.”

Eila let out a sigh, and walked over to me. Without any warning, she slapped me on my face.

“Ow! What was that for?!” I yelped, jumping from my couch.

“Good, you're awake, now let's go!” Eila went over to pick up my coat which was on the ground. “Seriously Ace, you make yourself look like a refugee!”

Eila threw the coat at my chest, in a friendly way of course.

“Get dressed, we're going out.”

“It's in the middle of the night, Eila!” I complained. “If you haven't noticed, this is the time people sleep!”

“You always were a whiner. Come on, I have something special planned!”

At these words, I gave her my attention. “Like what?”

“You'll see.”

Eila walked out the door, with me closely behind her. I always loved surprises.



Last edited by KotO[REvan]; 01-30-2007 at 12:32 AM.
KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-29-2007, 10:32 PM   #12
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
Ok time for critque:

*clears throat*

Again you are accomplishing what is difficult to accomplish, writing in the first person and I commend you on this again. You may hear this every time because I know how hard it is to write something meaningful in the first person. You have a clear definitive plot and that is good. What is also good is that you are using line breaks in between scene changes. I could see that sequence with your Sith Lord was a dream or maybe a vision but the breaks didn't clearly define it. Usually when writing a memory, dream or thoughts, the text is put into italics. It gives the reader the impression that it is not part of the regular dialgue but more on the internal thoughts of the character. It says that it is something different from the normal text.

Your character Eila was a fun introduction. Somehow I got the impression that she is based off of Mission Vao, at least the part where she is cheerful and perky. You could say that she had an innocence about her which seems to be the same for Eila. I don't know how far off the mark I am but that was my thoughts. You gave good indications of her character through her actions such as the slapping in the face and beingn a persistent bug to get Ace to wake up and have some fun. When you mentioned Ace's response that it was midnight and his thoughts about Eila, you gave the impression that he thinks that there is something wrong with her. Maybe if you gave some indication of a slight affection it would be more evident that yeah he likes Eila but she can be a pest sometimes.

Quote:
I only had the things I absolutely needed to live: a couch, television holograms, and an exotic beverage dispenser.
This I think gave a good indication ass to Ace's character. He's the kind of guy that is satisfied with a place to hang his hat, a bed to sleep and plenty of juma. It also conveys this idea that he doesn't care much about his state of health but it doesn't matter because he is a survivor. I was surprised you didn't mention a place for food because in modern times it is economical to make your own meals rather than go out every day and buy a meal. You could have included more but it could have also damaged the image you are trying to give of Ace.

Again you have my salute for your attempt at first person and I wish you courage and godspeed ahead. Always a pleasure to critique.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-29-2007, 11:08 PM   #13
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Thanks! Writing in first preson is difficult, I'm not going to act like it's not, but it's really fun on the other hand. My inspiration to write in first person was actually Adventures of Jolee Bindo - by Jae Onasi. And thus, Ace of Spades was born!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JM12
This I think gave a good indication ass to Ace's character.
You had me thinking the wrong thing here for a bit, mispelling 'as'.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JM12
Your character Eila was a fun introduction. Somehow I got the impression that she is based off of Mission Vao, at least the part where she is cheerful and perky.
Actually, I was thinking nothing of Mission Vao, but now that I do think about it, Eila sort of resembles her. I wasn't really thinking of anyone, just a personality that I remembered.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JM12
When you mentioned Ace's response that it was midnight and his thoughts about Eila, you gave the impression that he thinks that there is something wrong with her. Maybe if you gave some indication of a slight affection it would be more evident that yeah he likes Eila but she can be a pest sometimes.
Actually...
"Don't get me wrong, Eila was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. She was nice, thoughtful, and perky. But sometimes, she was a little too perky." - Ace Ren.

I think that cleared it up that he likes her, but she could be annoying sometimes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JM12
I could see that sequence with your Sith Lord was a dream or maybe a vision but the breaks didn't clearly define it. Usually when writing a memory, dream or thoughts, the text is put into italics. It gives the reader the impression that it is not part of the regular dialgue but more on the internal thoughts of the character. It says that it is something different from the normal text.
I was actually thinking of putting that in italics, but I had different opinions from Beta Readers. And it also seemed like a lot to italic, but maybe I shall change that.

Thanks for the constructive critique and comments, JM12! Those are always welcome to my fictions!


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-30-2007, 12:46 AM   #14
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
No problem. Sorry about the misspelling. My fingers tend to type too fast. Always a pleasure to critique.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-31-2007, 10:35 PM   #15
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
No problem. Sorry about the misspelling. My fingers tend to type too fast. Always a pleasure to critique.

Anyways, Chapter Three is in the process of being rough drafted! Meaning I'm writing the main basics, my first time going through it. Expect it within the week! - Evan


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-02-2007, 01:56 PM   #16
Daft Adidas
Full of Lies
 
Daft Adidas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Metri Border
Posts: 1,138
I'd say this is pretty good you've left me wondering what the dream/vision is all about.

Daft Adidas is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-03-2007, 06:40 AM   #17
JediAthos
Senior Member
 
JediAthos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,438
Current Game: Defiance
Forum Veteran Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I like what you've got going here. I'm also currently writing a fic in the first person so I can sympathize with the difficutly of it I like the name you chose for the character, and I too am curious about the dream, or vision.


"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

JediAthos is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-03-2007, 10:04 PM   #18
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Thanks you two
Of course, you'll have to continue reading in order to figure out the 'mystery', but that's not going to be uncovered for a while. Definately not CH3, at least.

Glad you guys liked it, if you find any spelling/grammar errors anywhere, please let me know. It would help greatly.


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-05-2007, 11:46 AM   #19
Vaelastraz
Veteran
 
Vaelastraz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: City 17. It's safer.
Posts: 851
Very interesting fic! I always enjoy fics with that kind of character...
And that dream or vision looks promising too, the dialog between the Master and Ace was interesting.

I wonder what that thing about a lightsaber is, that you can't even accomplish with the force...
Vaelastraz is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-05-2007, 07:56 PM   #20
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaelastraz
Very interesting fic! I always enjoy fics with that kind of character...
And that dream or vision looks promising too, the dialog between the Master and Ace was interesting.

I wonder what that thing about a lightsaber is, that you can't even accomplish with the force...
Why thank you, I'm glad you like it
I'm also interested in this kind of stories, the type with the sort of 'badaz' character. What inspired Ace was actually Han Solo, he's who I think of when I write.

Also, I'll assure you that this 'power' is not real in the SWU, just some fan fiction stuff. But I'm glad you like it.

Chapter Three is currently being beta tested, and will soon be out for release!


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-08-2007, 10:19 PM   #21
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Chapter Three: The Gift

“Eila, where are you taking me?”

It was freezing outside; my arms were folded and my head was tucked inside my jacket, which really didn't help much. Nar Shaddaa is a cold planet, especially this part of the moon, where the sun is blocked by Nal Hutta. But at least the local cantina has a heating system, which is part of the reason why I'm there most of the time.

“You'll just have to wait.” she responded.

We've already walked about two miles from my house. I've never really drifted off this far into this part of the city, I usually stay within the perimeter of the cantina and the local spice association.

“Almost there.”

“Good, my mind's about to explode from this weather.”

“Stop crying.”

“I'm not crying!” I snapped. There was a pause of silence as we kept walking.

“You're cranky in the morning.”

“It's after midnight, what did you expect?!”

“For you to be happy. It's not every day your best friends gives you a gift on the exact moment of your birthday.”

“That's the point, can't you be like normal people?” I laughed.

“Can't you be different?” she quickly replied.

“But then I would be like you, annoying and perky.” Eila could obviously tell that I was joking, since we usually talk to one another like this.

“Well you're too stubborn, too sensitive, and have no sense of humor.”

“No sense of humor?” I acted as if this would be the only thing offending me.

Eila stopped walking, which led to the same for me. We stood in front of a huge warehouse, that had the name “Mitos” engraved on the front. Mitos is Eila's last name, so obviously I asked,

“Is this your dad's building? The one you were talking about before?”

“That's right.”

In our last discussion, Eila was describing this to me. She says that it holds over one hundred rooms, all which are security doors, and have well protection.

“I guess my gift is something special after all.” I stated. “Much better than the t-shirt you gave me last year.”

“I made it myself, you should have been grateful.”

“It said 'I'm Ace, hear me roar!' on it.” I mocked.

“Well, that's what I think when I look at you, obnoxious and loud.” Eila smiled, making me grin some.

“So... where's my present?”

“Well someone's a little greedy.” she concluded.

“Someone's a little hesitant. Come on, let's go inside already. It's freezing.”

“Yeah alright.” Eila and I walked over to the building, it looked much smaller than she described it. There was a terminal near the front door, Eila walked over to it, and said, “Eila Mitos”. The terminal voiced back, “Welcome, Ms. Mitos.”

The security door opened, and I peeked inside before entering. There was another door.

“A lot of doors...” I sighed.

“A lot of goods.” Eila explained. “Access second door.”

The terminal made a beeping noise, and the second door opened.
“Access granted. Welcome, Ms. Mitos.” the terminal repeated itself. “Security lock down in 3... 2... 1...”

Eila hurried to enter the small hallway between the first and second door, I did the same. The door behind us shut closed not a second after, and the second door opened. This time when I peeked inside, there was a gigantic room, full of many employees who all looked very busy. Boxes were being transported through shoots, droids were transferring data into computers, the employees were reported status to their holograms.

“Don't mind this, come with me.” Eila said. I turned to her, still amazed at the numerous amount of workers and all the actions being played. She continued to walk, with me closely behind. We walked down this hall which had countless doors on both sides of it; which had numbers that listed in order from least to greatest.

“The item is in room two hundred and twenty-two.” Eila said.

“Two, two, two?” I asked.

“Two hundred and twenty-two.” she confirmed.

I looked at the nearest door, the numbers showed “64”. I was getting more anxious to see what my birthday gift was, it really sounded special.

“So,” Eila began. “how was gambling last night?”

“Fine.”

“Did you make a lot of money?”

“Three thousand credits.” I made sure it seemed like I was bragging, I nearly shouted those three words to Eila.

“Sounds like a good night.”

“Yeah... I was sleeping well for a while too, then you came barging in my house.”

“It'll be worth it, you'll love your gift. I promise.”

“That's what you said about last year's t-shirt.”

“And didn't you love it?!”. We both chuckled at that.

I looked to the right of the hall, to see the number we were at. The door number showed, “178”, we were nearly there.

“So... wanna give me a tip on what it is?”

“Nope.” she quickly answered.

“Not even the slightest tip?”

“Haha, just wait Ace. You're so impatient.”

“You're too patient.”

Eila smiled, and stopped walking. I looked to where she was, we were at room “222”. This door was different from all of the doors in the hall; it was locked with a security of metal and steel, and was fat and bulged out into the hall. And to top that, there was a terminal screen placed on the wall near it.

“Something special..?” I asked, amazed.

“Something special.” she answered.

Eila walked to the computer, and typed in a sequence of codes. Soon enough, the door opened, along with the one hidden behind it. I raced inside, flying past Eila. It was a huge room, but it was very empty. The only thing inside was a little object, placed on an altar located at the center.

Without talking I walked closer to my present. As I got closer and closer, the more I could recognize what it was. And now, I was sure of what it was.

“Eila...” I said.

“Do you like it?” she asked.

I grasped the item in my hand, firmly and well. I looked at it up and down, front to back, and to both sides.

“Where did you find it?” I was bewildered.

I pressed the red button on the item, and in an instant a blue beam fired out from the tip. It was a lightsaber, my Jedi lightsaber.

“With you being affiliated with both the Jedi and the Sith, I was curious to which one it was.” Eila said.

I swung the blade back and forth, listening to the humming it sounded out. I turned to Eila, just remembering she was present.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” she replied.



Last edited by KotO[REvan]; 02-09-2007 at 01:37 AM.
KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-08-2007, 11:07 PM   #22
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
This chapter felt a lot like scenes I havae seen where Kyle Katarn asks for his lightsaber back on Jedi Outcast. It was a nice sentimental piece you have. There was one obvious problem: the terminal called Elia a 'Mrs.' Earlier you had Ace ask her if it was her dad's building. Which is it because how can a person be a daughter and still have the same last name as a married woman?

Some of your dialogue was humorous and emphasized the character of Elia with buoyant self. I found myself chuckling and saying that situation is believeable and possible.

Quote:
“Stop crying.”
This is good but I would have had Elia say something like, "Quit your whining. It's just a little cold." That I think would be more relevant to Elia's character.

As to the back and forth dialogue, I woud like to see more emphasis on what the person looks like in terms of facial expression. If you added in the occasional Elia replied smugly kind of thing, that would flush out your characters even more and give them character. Facial expressions and the manner in which they move indicate the type of character that they are. You said that Ace is based on Han Solo, well maybe the cocky grin description or something like that added would make him a bit more scoundrel like. The same for Elia.

This was a sweet chapter and it brings back memories, the kind that you thought you lost or you might want to forget. The setting was well staged. I look forward to the next chapter.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-09-2007, 01:42 AM   #23
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
This chapter felt a lot like scenes I havae seen where Kyle Katarn asks for his lightsaber back on Jedi Outcast. It was a nice sentimental piece you have. There was one obvious problem: the terminal called Elia a 'Mrs.' Earlier you had Ace ask her if it was her dad's building. Which is it because how can a person be a daughter and still have the same last name as a married woman?
I havn't gotten that far into Jedi Outcast to know what you're talking about, but I hope it's something good?

Thanks for the tip on the "Mrs. Mitos" thing, I never really noticed that, and I don't think I really ever would've. But that's what beta testers, and post readers, are for, to help include more ways for the story to be better. So I thank you for all of your help.

I'm glad that you like this chapter, it actually opened a lot of ideas for me in the future. So expect to see Ch4 (probably next week or so), and thanks for reading!


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-09-2007, 03:21 AM   #24
The_Catto
The Rhythm Schism
 
The_Catto's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: New South Wales, Australia.
Posts: 1,199
Current Game: KotOR
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Just read the first 3 chapters, and all i got to say is ... Great work.
First person is the hardest style of writing i reckon, hence why i never write in it lol.
All of them kept me reading until the very end and thats the main thing i love about this story. Keep it up!
The conversations between Ace and Eila remnd me of the same type of conversation i have with my friends, thats another reason i like it so much also.
And im also curious as to what the dream what Ace was having also.
Was that a memory of what he had done before, or something in the future ... or was it actually him, and not another person? ... All a mystery lol.

I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter

The_Catto is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-09-2007, 10:12 AM   #25
Daft Adidas
Full of Lies
 
Daft Adidas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Metri Border
Posts: 1,138
Yey! Yey! Yummmy soda. Wha? Oooooo a fic. *starts reading*

I read this one before and oOoo a neww chapter!


Ok very, very good yes as someone pointed out the Mis and Mrs thing. At first I did not have a clue of what the present was but when you announced it was small I thought it might be a sabre but that don't matter you had me thinking for agus. What oculd it be? what? what? what? 10/10

Daft Adidas is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-10-2007, 12:23 AM   #26
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
I'm glad that you like it Mr_BFA, and Aida.
Expect more chapters, just not as soon as you would hope.

Thanks for the comments.


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-10-2007, 08:18 PM   #27
JediAthos
Senior Member
 
JediAthos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,438
Current Game: Defiance
Forum Veteran Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Good stuff so far, I liked the set up for the birthday present, and thought you did a nice job putting that together. I am very much enjoying the story so far.


"You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

JediAthos is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-12-2007, 11:31 PM   #28
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
Quote:
Good stuff so far, I liked the set up for the birthday present, and thought you did a nice job putting that together. I am very much enjoying the story so far.
Glad to hear //read// it.


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 08-25-2007, 02:56 AM   #29
KotO[REvan]
Junior Member
 
KotO[REvan]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In Your Heart
Posts: 313
Helpful! 
I'd like to say that I'm starting to write more into this story. So far I have four more chapters written, and I'll be releasing them at an often pace. But that will just take time. Hope you're looking forward to that.

Coming soon.


KotO[REvan] is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > [Fic] Ace of Spades

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:30 PM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.