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Old 11-20-2008, 11:22 PM   #921
machievelli
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Whisper on the Wind
Litofsky

Set Before Phantom Menace: A Jedi must take on a new Padawan at the same time that he also accepts a new mission

The writing style is good. However in this sentence ‘The High Council requires your presence at during the next meeting, Jordan.’ the at was unnecessary.

The intro is good, and there is enough to keep the reader going. Keep it up.

The Last Line
CommanderQ

Non-SW: In an Alternate Universe, the Invasion of the US begins

The basics need a little work, but it is going well.

Technical notes: Since it’s alternate history should I mention that Russia wasn’t invaded until 22 June 1941 in Operation Barbarossa?

Second, Historically military budgets are raised under Republican Presidents, and reduced when Democrats are in charge. The US actually had to borrow rifles from the English to arm the first troops going to France in 1917, and used a French made machinegun for the first 11 months. The US Army didn’t start it’s build up to WWII until 1939 right after the Czechs fell. We started that war with ‘modern’ equipment that was five to ten years old, and the new weapons (Garand Rifle and the Corsair for example) had been stonewalled by politicians spending money on social programs until then.

Once that war was over the government couldn’t get out of armaments fast enough. When Korea began we were caught flat footed again.

As soon as the Berlin Wall came down the Democrats in Congress began raiding the military’s budget for the ‘peace dividend’ they needed to fund more social programs.

Third: I could see us sitting out the war until Japan attacked us. But not from that point on. I would have suggested you have the Japanese negotiate the occupation of the Philippines and Guam, which would have given them the victory you describe while allowing the lackluster presidents their own petty victories.

Fourth: A president can suggest a treaty, but it has to be ratified by the Congress. Having them send the peace treaty and prepare to invade literally the same day is a good move but even if the President said yes today, it would take a day or more for Congress to vote on it. The fastest vote of that kind in history was the Declaration against Japan, with the vote to go to war in Iraq a close second.

Umbral Tide: Chapter V: Night Attack!
Tysyacha

Fifth chapter of the series: An attack strikes down one member of the party.

The piece flowed well and while I agreed with JM12 about the last portion, I still think you did a great job.

Pick of the week

Star Wars The Old Republic
Tayra

300 years after the destruction of the Jedi Temple on Dantooine: Raiders enter the old enclave, and find death

I think JM12 did a good job of pointing out all of the obvious problems with the work. Remember that a story teller must create the scenes, the characters, the situation, and create in the reader’s mind a picture. If you were trying to create a script form, you have to remember that while dialogue is done in this style you still have paragraphs of description. To show you what I mean I’ll use my own Script (About Last Knight, an Airplane Style medieval comedy)

Moose, the biggest of the three moves forward. The others laugh, but stop laughing and spin around when someone behind them speaks.

Scion(V.O.)

No one touches her!

Cut to: Alleyway. Scion, a well-muscled man in a full faced mask, stands cutting off the brigands' retreat.

Scion

If you want some excitement, fight me!

Cut to: Side view, Brigands. They draw short swords from sheaths, and brandish them menacingly.

Cut to: Scion looks as if bored with the whole thing. He draws his sword, (something larger than normal, but smaller that Conan's broadsword), the same one seen when he was a boy in mud, and holds it negligently at his side. The Angelic chorus sings.

Cut to Brigands. They look surprised and worried, looking around for the chorus.

Brigand #2

Hey! Wait a minute! Why is his sword so much bigger than ours?

Cut to: Medium CU, Scion. He raises sword between his face and Camera.

Scion

Everything I have, I inherited from my father.

Cut to: medium shot, Brigands. #1, obviously the leader, snorts.

Brigand #1(Waves hand)

Hey, guys, you remember what they always say about guys that carry Big weapons!

Brigands all snicker at that. Then, with a shout, they attack.

There are several cuts and shots, and the one thing that can be verified, is that the Brigands are no match for Scion. Behind Scion, a window opens.

See What I mean?

One question merely out of curiosity; Why did the character use a plasma torch to pound on the door instead of cutting it?

Not bad for a 14 year old first attempt.

The Search
Da Man

Post TSL: The Ebon Hawk and her crew finally find Revan

The work is good except for the problems addressed by LOTF and two other things. First remember conversation breaks. The second sentence LOTF earmarked should have been two; one when Catrina spoke, again when Carth did.

The other is technical; you see a tracking device such as you described would be next to worthless, since as an example they could have landed in Kansas and had Revan hiding in Nepal. I would have suggested one with a limited range, say ten to 20 light minutes. Meaning you could skate through all of the planets in the Republic before coming close enough to detect the signal, which would barely reach beyond the inner solar system. Such a signal from earth would be detectable only out to just inside the orbit of Jupiter.

The work is good enough to look at as it continues.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

The Best Laid Plans of the Force and Men
Peedunky

Post TSL: Together again, but the reunion is nothing like they had planned…

The first paragraph should have been two or perhaps 3. This is an editing problem, easily corrected.

That being said, the basis of the story, the conflict caused by one person’s memory and the other person’s lack of those memories is a well thought out premise. I had always wondered what was on the Council’s mind when they erased Revan and replaced that memory with a fabrication. Did they honestly think Revan would never meet someone from before?

Excellent premise, excellent story.

Pick of the Week.

When I Am Laid In Earth - Part One
Kian

TSL on Malachor V: With Kreia dead, the Exile ponders what to do next.

The piece is a bit of darkness in a woman’s soul that makes so much sense it is frightening. The byplay; wondering if Revan is acting as a puppet master makes the entire mission that must follow, finding Revan, a possible forlorn hope.

Excellent work

Pick of the Week

Not Her
Lady Tragic

No specific section of TSL given: Atton in an aside tells Mical that he is wrong in who he loves.

I sat for almost a minute after reading this because Atton’s argument is perfect. Mical is (according to the author) in love with the ideal of who the Exile is. Like falling in love with a picture rather than the person.

Atton on the other hand sees her soul, sees her way of dealing with life, and it resonates within him. He is in love with her, Mical with the image of her. With that difference, we know who will win her heart.

Pick of the Week

It Always Rains on Dxun
JediDWH

PreTSL not long after the Exile’s sentencing: On Dxun The Exile considers the bleak years ahead.

The author covered a period we usually don’t see, the direct aftermath of the exiling. I was stunned by the way this story went; I waited until almost a year later when I wrote ‘Return From Exile’ my own novel length piece.

Excellent!

Pick of the Week

Nar Shaddaa Night Life
Lord Zeuss

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A desperate chase through the streets of the smuggler’s moon.

The story is interesting primarily because of the venue of the action, but also that we see a part of the Exile’s life we don’t see, her past without the Force. The scene is well set, the action truncated but well done regardless. The end is perfect, because the Exile steps back into her old persona and will not soil who she has become again with it.

According to the author this is the first work All I have to say is;

Pick of the Week

The Broken One and The Assassin Part 1
Triple E

No specific part of TSL given: The Exile reveals part of her past to Atton

There are a lot of times when I see someone’s reviews and they proceed to tear the kid apart. Usually without even bothering to say what they had done wrong.

You’ve all heard the old saw ‘those who can do, those who can’t become critics‘. When I began as the critic over at Lucasforums and Starwarsknights back in 2005 I felt everyone I reviewed deserved better.

You see regardless of your credentials, if all you are doing is tearing them down about how incompetent they are, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. As a person who as a young man got a scathing review from someone I respected I know how much than can hurt, especially if the person doing it doesn’t even bother to tell you why you’re so incompetent.

Freesourceful did such an excellent review of everything that I honestly can’t think of anything else to say except for this;

Pick of the Week

The Shadows of the Old Republic
Marloff

Eight years after TSL: An ancient ship with a mystery arrives as the Exile returns.

As I commented above, I am glad that people with such acumen have been here before. Both Kiraboros, whom I have dealt with personally, and Freesourceful whom I have yet to interact with directly both gave the advice I would have. Their advice is excellent and cogent. The story has a ways to go but I expect more and better!

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
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Old 11-20-2008, 11:26 PM   #922
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Thanks, Mach! I'll definately take your advice and make my story more accurate! Thanks for the corrections and critisism. It'll definately help!


you very much
If a tree would fall in the woods.....would the other trees laugh at it?

Last edited by CommanderQ; 11-22-2008 at 12:34 AM.
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:34 PM   #923
machievelli
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for all who see the swell of the ancient stories, when they took the Outer Rim and merged it with CEC I found that something like a hundred stories were dumped here, all unreviewed. What I am doing is every day or so I am going back, verifying I have reviewed it, and marking them, so I can see by which are marked as worthy of my attention


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 11-27-2008, 09:08 PM   #924
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The Diaries of Johann Abernathy
Adavardes

Non SW Fiction: A revolution begins with a single word…

Some missing words. For example ‘was no singular than’ should be ‘no more singular’ suggesting no different. The basics are bland, but that fits with the style of your character.

The primary problem I have is not with anything of the story beyond one thing… At what point does ‘social’ good end and ‘personal’ good begin?

Welcome to the Forum

The Old Republic: Queen of Hearts
Mshcherbatskaya

In interim between KOTOR and TSL: A Sith comes to the Jedi with an interesting proposal.

The piece is well written, and surprisingly, a collaborative effort. I was primarily surprised by this not because it was, but the editor made it an almost seamless effort. The story is well considered, the basics well laid out and edited.

As for violations of canon I didn’t see anything specific. The period is still relatively unformed.

Welcome to the forum

Pick of the week.

The Return
Revan Skywalker

PostTSL: Fresh from their battle at Malachor V, the Ebon Hawk and her crew go in search of Revan.

The piece gives us a good look at the situation though there is no explanation about the comment that T3 seemed to have blocked the nav-computer. The pacing could be improved, but that just might be Rev7 and myself.

Welcome back

Umbral Tide: Chapter VI: A Plan Regarding Poison
Tysyacha

Continuation of Umbral Tide: Riddles and spells must be done quickly.


The writing is good as always, Tys. The only thing you didn’t do that I had anticipated was having all of her compatriots put some of their energy into it; which would explain the 3 tenths.

As for why they didn’t bother to ask Yradne, that makes perfect sense. If you had been taught your entire life that a certain nationality race or religion were automatically evil, why ask them for benign assistance?

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Relentless Intolerance
Lord Zeuss

Pre TSL during the Exile’s trial before the Council: The anger of the Exile burns all, including her.

The piece does not follow the trial before the council and that is too the good. The defense, that she and the Jedi that had gone to war to uphold rather than deny the Jedi beliefs was perfectly portrayed. The primary addition, throwing her primary weapon away and using a secondary weapon for her point was an interesting twist.

Pick of the Week

The Will To Continue
Lord Zeuss

Two years before TSL: The Exile learns the meaning of suffering, and how to deal with it.

The piece is outstanding primarily because it is so stark and brutal. Her reaction is not as a Jedi, but as a person throwing away the strings that still bound her even after the puppet master had set them aside.

Pick of the Week.

Grrrr . . . Atton!
Adylin

TSL on Dxun: Atton takes a practical joke a bit too far.

The piece made me smile, and having it end not with one of Atton’s jokes but one from the Exile made it even more amusing.

Pick of the Week.

Dance Dance Revelation
Mshcherbatskaya

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: She may be attractive fit and a stark warrior, but the Exile isn’t good at everything…

The piece surprised me then caused me to chuckle. You would think an athletic person could dance, but I could picture the scene and after watching the dancing scenes they have in the games, shudder. Having Atton do the same after a few drinks was almost as funny.

Pick of the Week

Escaping the Past - Chapter 1
Qt314159

Seven months after the battle of Malachor V: With nothing better to do, the Exile discovers a new use for old skills.

The piece was intriguing because of the use of the skills she did have, weapons training, and converting it to dance. Well worth reading; including the byplay between her and her arms supplier.

Pick of the Week.

An Exile: Chapter One
jessimaster123

Several months post TSL: The Exile finds the planet Revan is on, and some of her students.

Some homonym and wrong word problems. Knew instead of new, here instead of hear, whore instead of wore. Remember to smooth out the work a bit too.
Nothing that can’t be cured by editing.

Source Undefined - Chapter 1
Atlas

20 plus years after TSL: A mother reveals a secret to her child

The writing style is good, the story well wrought. I enjoyed it immensely

Technical: A Christian name is a given name, like your own first name, usually not given until a child was baptized back in the Early Christian days. However the term implies a connection to a religion that has nothing to do with the Star Wars Galaxy. Sorry my Canon Monster sticking his head out.

Ten, Chapter One
Dyrradegan

Ten Years after Malachor V: As the Jedi reform, politics rears it’s ugly head, and the Exile must hurry to help an old friend.

The piece is well done, the growth of the characters defined and their new roles clear. Another of those I wish I had time to read on.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-04-2008, 09:29 PM   #925
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As I have been commenting for the last few months, I have had problems keeping track because the site lists by last comment. I found the link to shift it by when it was first posted, and have been going back and commenting on each, a simple ‘read’ so I don’t repeat myself. I reached page 20, and found this one, which has been languishing for almost three years…

The Destruction of the Sith
JediKnight707

19 years Post TSL: First love and first Padawan

Sorry I took so long, but here goes…

The piece flows a little rocky at the start but once it gets past that it runs pretty well. Since I had not played TSL until almost a year later, most of the characters would have been just characters to me before, now they were people I understood and could relate to.

The idea of two people in love being allowed to work together was fun, but having them secretly in love with each other (and not knowing it) made it even more fun.

Pick of the week

Unification
Litofsky

No specific period given: A revolution succeeds

The basics are good, the story intriguing on a political level. Characterization is not too shabby, but the two main characters need filling out a bit. The flow is a bit off, but that is a polishing problem.

Rebellion
Kado Sunrider

No specific period given: A bounty hunter goes after his target

Some word usage problems, dinner instead of diner, but you probably meant restaurant from the context. The flow is good and the comments made by others will help a lot.

Technical note: A professional gunman doesn’t put the gun against your body, primarily because human reaction time on the average gives the initiator a tenth of a second advantage. I could have accepted the scene if he had been standing, but not seated.

All in all a good first attempt. Welcome to the forum.

Play/Screenplay: Bond 23 (Scene 1)
Tysyacha

Non SW: An intro into a Bond movie…

An interesting scene, though the action began on the wrong foot in my mind. Using the snapshots to tell us who was who worked well. I like the new ‘Bond Girl’.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: Dark Shadows
Hayden Kered

No specific time given: The nightmares begin

The piece does have good descriptive phrases. However by definition, an arch is not square, though you can have a squared arch.

McLaine, Town Marshal
Astor Kaine

NonSW: A Marshall in the old west around his duties.

The story is well done, the use of proper weapon’s terminology, such as period guns made it almost perfect. The only thing I can think of is you didn’t set the period clearly. You have weapons proper from 1870 to 1900, but then say the marshall is paid 5 dollars a day, which is a pay scale closer to the 1920s. Also, Marshall is an assigned or hired state or Federal post while Sheriff is a local paid position in that time.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Slow Dancing
Tatooine92

KOTOR on Manaan Sometimes you have to take a break.

Tat, it’s been a long time, but you haven’t lost your touch. The piece is not only well written, but it flowed perfectly.

As other have commented, life even in an adventure novel is not all run from here to there and fight. It is cleaning up, cooking, and making sure you have what you need to do the cooking. A well done slice of life.

Pick of the Week

Rain
Firedancer

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: As a storm prepares to break, the Exile reminisces about the choices she made that brought her there.

The story is well done, with just the right amount of angst and introspection. The scene in front of the council while not the basic story was even better done. In my own work her decision was based on doing what she had been taught, not as she was being told, and your work portrays the same idea very well.

Pick of the Week

Pursuit: Chapter 1
MaryJivinJane

Two Years after TSL: Atton follows the Exile’s last instructions and discovers more than he bargained for…

The piece is excellent work, the lead in a bit abbreviated, but that has already been addressed. The set up of the fallback plan was masterfully done, and the back story just as well portrayed.

Pick of the Week

Wounded Jedi, Chapter 1
Darth Ruination

One week after Malachor V: The Exile receives a warning through the Force and must make her decisions now.

The basics are good, though you used a wrong word; ‘I'm one of the few people who do‘ should be does and Koonda as a place is a proper noun and is therefore capitalized.

That being said the story was well paced, and the food fight outrageous, especially when your Exile commented that she had stood there through the entire thing with the ‘I’m not your mother’ comment to go with it.

Pick of the Week

Desperate Times, Desperate Measures
Lord Zeuss

Extended version of the Peragus portion of TSL: The Exile and her companions fight for their lives

The story line is a well done extension of the basic scene though it has a lot of elements from the game that did detract from the flow. The last section with the chemical weapon and it’s explanation was very well done.

Triptych Chapter 1, Out Of Nothing
Lord Zeuss

Post TSL: The galaxy prepares for the final confrontation.

The piece flows at a breakneck pace, making you keep track of several balls like a juggler. This is one of those I wish I had time to read to the end.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-04-2008, 09:37 PM   #926
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Thanks for the review, Mach. When you say "the flow is a bit off," what do you mean, specifically? Is it that I almost 'disconnected' the story, and moved from one idea to another?

At any rate, thanks for reading.
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Old 12-04-2008, 10:10 PM   #927
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Litofsky View Post
Thanks for the review, Mach. When you say "the flow is a bit off," what do you mean, specifically? Is it that I almost 'disconnected' the story, and moved from one idea to another?

At any rate, thanks for reading.
That was a pretty good description.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-05-2008, 10:08 AM   #928
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
McLaine, Town Marshal
Astor Kaine

NonSW: A Marshall in the old west around his duties.

The story is well done, the use of proper weapon’s terminology, such as period guns made it almost perfect.
I've got a LOT of books and experience with the relevant weapons - i've even got a few replicas - Colt SAAs (Peacemakers), Colt Navy, an 1892 Winchester, and a Volcanic Pistol (a smaller version of the Volcanic Rifle, which lead to the Henry, and then the Winchester).

Quote:
The only thing I can think of is you didn’t set the period clearly. You have weapons proper from 1870 to 1900, but then say the marshall is paid 5 dollars a day, which is a pay scale closer to the 1920s.
For the record, it's set around 1882 - i'll adjust the pay scale to something more suitable later on (2 dollars seems about right).

Quote:
Also, Marshall is an assigned or hired state or Federal post while Sheriff is a local paid position in that time.
I've always found a bit of confusion with the two terms - the research i've found is that in some places, the two terms were used interchangeably, which would also cause some problems when dealing with Federal Marshals.

If I recall, it's just the title that uses 'Marshal', and 'Sheriff' in the rest of it, but i'll have a look through and make any changes.

Thanks for the review!






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Old 12-11-2008, 09:18 PM   #929
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I am taking next week off primarily because a friend I haven’t seen in 26 years is coming into town.

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Now and Again
Chevron Locke

Naruto universe: When a loved one dies, a warrior loses control.

One problem is the word is rogue (Bad guy) instead of rouge (a face coloring). Remember conversation breaks. The death scene would have been three paragraphs with conversation breaks.

The basics are good, the switch more logical than Anakin Skywalker’s in Return of the Jedi. Well done.

Pick of the week.

The Devil Within
Mr. BFA

TSL on Malachor V: A dark side Exile plans his future.

Bee Hoon, you did a good job of reviewing; so good I have nothing to say beyond that.

Mr. BFA, the only thing I can say is that I liked the characterization and introspection.

Pick of the Week

Exodus
Kado Sunrider

Post TSL: Dream or vision?

The work needs some polishing, but few have impressed me with the ease of their work.

The battle was done well, but that is where the polishing is needed. As for the entire work…

Pick of the week

kotorfanmedia

Love
Crystal001

KOTOR after Korriban; sequel to A Cathar, a Captain, and a Former Sith Lord reviewed last Nov: A broken heart reaches out when love is offered.

If you have not read the work above, you will not understand the nuances of this one. Every one know about the ‘rebound’ effect in romance, this is an excellent one primarily because our Revan hasn’t given up on men entirely, she’s trying to find a way to fit one in as it were.

Pick of the Week

Right Here With Me
Bmjewell

Ten years after TSL: The Exile prepares fpr the next step in her life.

The piece started fluffy but became serious after less than a page. The way the subject was brought into the story and handled was masterful. It was a compelling read.

Pick of the Week.

The General
Lord Zeuss

PreKOTOR: The person who would eventually become the Exile on an average day.

Many have already reviewed this, and the only comment I would have that has not been addressed in the last. I believe what Mbuki.Mvuki meant was the flow was a bit off, jumping from scene to scene in a way that was not organic to the work. Nothing major, barely noticeable in fact I had to reread it to notice what was commented on.

The scenes were well done, the subject smoothly portrayed.

Pick of the Week

Honour
Shinee

PreKOTOR: The great General before she became great, seen through the eyes of one of her followers.

The subject matter was well handled, the scenes clearly cut. I enjoyed not only the method of the portrayal, but it’s subject immensely.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic: Episode 1 The Prodigal Knight-Chapter 1
Chrissy Misha

PreKOTOR: The birth of Revan

The period is little done, so you’ve broken some new ground here. The only jarring note is the discussion between the Masters suggesting the same discussion in the Phantom Menace. A minor quirk that bothered me but did not detract from the work.

Sun and Moon, Chapter 1: Another Kind of Trouble
Dove-Feathered Raven

TSL from Peragus enroute to Telos: The meeting and first day between the Exile and Atton.

What can I say? The story flows well, and every comment I could make as a Critic has already been said except for one…

Pick of the Week

Hidden Chapter One
Muhnemma

TSL on Dantooine: Atton worries about the Exile

The piece flows well, even though the first part was jarring in comparison. I enjoyed the read, and it’s another one I wish I could read all the way to the end.

Pick of the Week

In search of the Unknown regions- part 1
Pippogol

Post TSL: The members of both Ebon Hawk crews will get together to find their missing friends.

The others above have given good critiques, even Lord Valentai. Every really good book you’ve ever read was not written. In the words of Ted White, they are rewritten. No matter how great an author is, they all go through the same agonizing process of rereading editing, rewriting and polishing. Outside criticism is the biggest help in the process, because you’re always too close to the center.

What I Can't Tell You
A-Tarkheena

Post TSL: As the Exile departs to follow Revan, she wishes she could tell Atton one thing.

The piece flows well, the subject explaining a lot about why she forgave Atton on Nar Shaddaa among other things. I’m wishing it wasn’t a one shot, because I would like to see where it goes from here.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-11-2008, 09:36 PM   #930
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Enjoy seeing your friend, Mach, and enjoy your week off! (gets back to working on Unification)
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Old 12-11-2008, 09:42 PM   #931
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Have fun!
*Starts the next chapter of Now and Again*
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Old 12-12-2008, 10:03 AM   #932
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Have a good week off

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Old 12-12-2008, 11:00 AM   #933
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Have a good one, Mach!


you very much
If a tree would fall in the woods.....would the other trees laugh at it?
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Old 12-13-2008, 11:11 AM   #934
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Pick of the Week

Not Her
Lady Tragic

No specific section of TSL given: Atton in an aside tells Mical that he is wrong in who he loves.

I sat for almost a minute after reading this because Atton’s argument is perfect. Mical is (according to the author) in love with the ideal of who the Exile is. Like falling in love with a picture rather than the person.

Atton on the other hand sees her soul, sees her way of dealing with life, and it resonates within him. He is in love with her, Mical with the image of her. With that difference, we know who will win her heart.
I just saw this today- Thank you so much!
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Old 12-13-2008, 10:40 PM   #935
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I just saw this today- Thank you so much!
Your welcome. Thank you for writing it; I enjoyed it immensely.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-15-2008, 10:47 PM   #936
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Cheer's for the review Mach.
As always

Have a great week

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Old 12-25-2008, 10:53 PM   #937
machievelli
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My company has this habit of ‘removing’ additional hours of vacation time if you have too many. They intended to make 40 hours of my vacation time disappear on the 1st of Dec, so to avoid losing that five days, I’m taking a week off from work.

So I will be spending the next 9 days doing what I like to do… eat, drink, write…
And on four of those days, reviewing your work.

The most recent Jayvar’s challenge is holidays. One reason I do not like this theme is simple and is mentioned below. If you read my reviews starting in January of 2007, you will notice I dinged stories of this type, and praised them when they used the rule I did suggest. One about a Telosian holiday won high praise by tweaking Halloween into something like but unlike it. So do not take my comments as ‘this is horrible’, only
A general note for this week and next week were addressed in this post made back in 2008 regarding holidays:

The basic idea has problems, which I addressed back in 2007 at Lucasforums
The Expert’s forum post 118.

For those who don’t want to read the post, stories of Christmas Halloween St Valentine’s day etc violate the canon ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’ because two of them (You guess) were old pagan holidays with the serial numbers filed off. All of them by the names they have are less than 600 years old.

You can use the spirits of the holidays but a lot of the trappings are too obvious.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Diaries of a Jedi
The Doctor

At the start of the Mandalorian wars, a Jedi begins recording what is happening.

Posted March 2006, missed by an earlier review. Mea Culpa.

Problems with word usage (quite instead of quiet), but up to the Doctor’s standards. The diary style is good and abrupt, as diaries usually are.

Belated Pick of the week

chaper 2. Mira's vision
Cdunshee

Post TSL: A desperate plan is hatched to stop the Jedi purge of 4 millennia later.

Posted March 2006, missed by an earlier review. Mea Culpa.

The story is flowing well and my only complaint is technical.

Technical notes: The problem with a time travel machine are manifold, though you have avoided the most obvious, of traveling backwards. But it is also a precision device, requiring something more that ‘4,000 years that away’.

You could actually end up arriving long after the event, or long before. What could they do if they showed up say ten years before Anakin was born? Or after the battle of Yavin?

The End of the Beginning.
Lordofthefish

Set in the DC comics universe: The Batman contemplates his hanging.

Most of the stuff that can be said has. I promised to do a beta read, and it will be late, but I will go through it for you later today or tomorrow. The basic idea might be good not on this but a follow-on. The primary defense the super heroes have is their anonymity. How many suits for damages, injury, etc can be leveled when you know who they are?

Keep You Away
Mr. BFA

No genre beyond basic fiction: Sometime friendship requires stopping a friend from making a big mistake.

The story flows well, but the issue, why the fight was going to happen, was delayed a bit for me. But that is just me.

Pick of the Week

Savior
Chevron 7 Locke

Set in the Naruto universe:

Missing words, (why were you kissing) You also forgot conversation breaks. Remember to break it up when you change speaker.

The story is flowing well, and what interests me is it’s turning like the book Lightning by Dean Koontz, or my own Penelope’s Tapestry. You change history and something almost as bad happens that you may have to correct.

Pick of the Week

Christmas on the Ebon Hawk
Chevron 7 Locke

KOTOR, no specific section given: Pranks and Christmas just seem to go along…

The piece needs some editing, but beyond that was pretty good. I mentioned it because you had Bastila revive (Bring back to life) a gift rather than receive it. In the fact the only other negative I can actually mention is a grenade was a bit much. Maybe a smaller charge? Making the ‘punishment’ fit the crimes was great, and having Juhani first upset, then playing with the squeaky toy reminds me of a scene from Terry Pritchett’s ‘Making Money’ where a character who is a werewolf has the same problem with a dog’s toy.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

A Captain, A Cathar, and a Former Sith Lord Revisited
Crystal001

KOTOR enroute to Korriban: Revan is split between her two loves, the one in her heart, and the one in her bed…

The piece is perfect, Crystal, that’s all I can say. The angst of wanting and having at the same time was so well done I had no problem with disbelief.

It is rare that I review following segments of someone’s work here at Kotorfanmedia. Primarily it is because the site is so prolific that if I did I would not have completed even one of the sections yet. I am now on my third and soon to be fourth, so my reasoning is sound.

But Crystal001, by titling in a manner (And posting over a time as well) has allowed me to review three pieces back to back, and all I can say is Wow!

I just wish I had chance to read the entire thing. Of course, if Crystal001 keeps titling as they have been, maybe I will have that chance.

Pick of the Week

Beast Taming: A Note to the Next Ruler of Onderon
Moonmythology

Post TSL: Looking back on her life, Queen Talia has written advice for her successors.

Some odd sentences ‘I think this I had led Vaklu’ didn’t make sense but might have worded I think this is what led Vaklu. This is an editing problem easily corrected.

The story is well done, the basis, comparing herself to a wild animal tamed easy to follow and well conceived.

Pick of the Week.

Truth
Moonmythology

TSL Sequel to Lies: Will the truth set you free or imprison you?

The same problem with sentence structure mentioned above but others have addressed it I will not comment on it.

The idea is good, especially following after Lies. It is a good balance.

Pick of the Week.

The Norm for a Scoundrel
A-Karkheena

Aboard the Ebon Hawk after Korriban: After asking the wrong question, Atton considers what his life has become.

The premise is good, and the work only needs some smoothing to make it better. I like the take on Atton, and how she gets him under his skin. Excellent work.

Pick of the Week

We've Met Before
Amber Penglass

PostKOTOR : Two people meet in a bar, but who exactly are they?

It should have been refused a glass rather than denied. Everything I saw wrong with this was just not rereading and editing.

The story itself flowed well, and the idea that the main characters had met and don’t realize it was well done.

Pick of the Week

Vigilance
Kneph

TSL on Dxun right after Onderon: The only enemy you can never defeat…

The story flowed well, the vision of fighting everything you have ever faced, and still losing because you failed in small ways was well portrayed, the feeling both between Atton and the Exile made you wonder how much she had ever shown before.

Pick of the Week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-28-2008, 11:01 PM   #938
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Thanks, Mach. I've been considering a re-write on DoaJ, and I think I'll add it to the list.
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Old 12-31-2008, 06:31 PM   #939
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Thank you, Mach.

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Old 12-31-2008, 07:14 PM   #940
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Quote:
I've always found a bit of confusion with the two terms - the research i've found is that in some places, the two terms were used interchangeably, which would also cause some problems when dealing with Federal Marshals.

If I recall, it's just the title that uses 'Marshal', and 'Sheriff' in the rest of it, but i'll have a look through and make any changes.
In mediaeval England where the title originated, the Sheriff was an agent of the monarchy though not a member of nobility. Probably filled a space created by the evolution of the bourgeoisie social classes (non-aristocratic land owners for example). Previously aristocratic rank defined both wealth and legal authority.
I think within the Holy Roman Empire a Sheriff was an agent of the Church (ie. the Inquisitorium). In fact you might consider generally a Sheriff as an agent of the Church, as under the English system the monarch is the head of the Church instead of a Pope.

To generalise in practise, compared to the US system a Sheriff would fall somewhere between a Federal Marshal and town Sheriff, since typically they were responsible for the King's interests (ie. rule of law) within their home town, whilst aristocrats ruled from forts and were more concerned with their own interests.
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Old 01-02-2009, 01:34 AM   #941
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Star Wars: Realms of Honor
JediMaster12

after Heart of the Guardian and before Heart of Deception: The Force moves in mysterious ways.

The basics are good, the set up for the battle interesting in that the ‘good’ guys are still harping on the rules while the ‘bad’ guys are busily breaking them.

Pick of the Week

The Ebon Hawk Hijinks
High On Pie 14

Post TSL: The heroes describe the events in the Tarisian UnderCity with a twist.

I have to admit that this amused me greatly. I did wonder what Bee cut out, but if I really want to know, I’ll ask…

All right, I give up. One of you two send me a pm and tell me!

Pick of the week.

Prologue: Mass Effect II: Reaping
Tysyacha

Remember that a racial name (turian for example) is like a national one, so it should be capitalized.

The basics are good so far, the piece needs editing, but no one has ever escaped that when I hold the pen.

I was asked to supply our new commander, and I hope to see more of this.

One for Arcesious
Vanir

Undetermined time before ROTS: A battle in space

The descriptions could use some work. It took me a moment to figure out (Visualizing a Republic Nebulon Frigate) to get the first descriptive statement. Remember that flow is important. If you toss in an odd description, it impedes that flow.

The scenes were well done, and the surprise on both sides when the micro jump placed them so close together was choice.

Intoxication
mshcherbatskaya

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk, no specific section given: A roundabout way to ask…

The piece started of slowly, but once it began rolling it was like watching a train wreck, something you don’t want to see, but have to watch.

My favorite was how you skated skirted and danced around the one question that would have violated the PG13 rating here, and I enjoyed how you did. The end was interesting because I have to wonder, who deleted the data?

Finality
Kado Sunrider

Directly after ROTJ: Anakin faces those he betrayed.

The piece was short sweet, and well done. As we know from the end of ROTJ, Anakin was accepted among the Jedi that had gone on,.

kotorfanmedia

One Breath
Freyalise

TSL in the Trayus Academy: The Exile teaches Sion the importance of letting go.

The piece has been praised to the skies already. All I can add is this;

Pick of the Week

From the Journal of M.V.
Axiawest

A Year post TSL: The Disciple will not let go of his memories, even if he doesn’t remember.
The story flowed well, and compelled you to go further. Considering what little time I have to read more of someone’s work, I was drawn further and further and finally had to stop myself from going further, because I would have never finished my article this week.

But I think I ‘ll be back…

Pick of the Week

Sacrifice
Tatooine92

TSL At Trayus Academy: Sometimes the darkness is inside us

The piece is cold hard and poignant. I am sure I have read it before, but there is no record that I had. Maybe I did and never wrote a review.

Pick of the week.

A Loose End
PrincessJaden

TSL After the defeat of Kraya: There’s just one destination remaining…

The piece was short but when I was done I hungered for more. The feeling both of Atton and the Exile resonated, and I wanted to find out what happened next.

Pick of the Week

For Luck
PrincessJaden

TSL on Dxun: Just for luck…

The piece is short, but like the previously reviewed work, it made me want more.

Pick of the Week

From the Ashes Part I
Cellotix

Post TSL: Atton wants to be left alone… Can Mira break through to him?

Romances when it’s not Exile/Atton are rare, and this one has much promise. Having Mira not only in love with Atton but doing everything she can to drag him back ins an interesting view.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-05-2009, 05:29 AM   #942
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“A Wanderer’s Destiny”, Prologue & Chapter 1: Trisha’s Curse
Dark Jedi Princess

Set five years after TSL: A pair of ‘businessmen’ have a discussion with the Republic.

Crosssover fiction can have problems primarily because the rules of the two might not carry across. I have seen only one episode of Full Metal Alchemist, but the rules don’t seem to have changed much from what they use in KOTOR, so no biggie. The writing style is good, no major grammar or spelling goofs. But the work does need polishing and editing.

No that isn’t a ding, It always needs polishing and editing. Trust me.
This is WAY late, but Mach? Thanks VERY much for the review.
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Old 01-05-2009, 05:50 AM   #943
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Thanks Mach, making the transition from non-fic to fic hasn't been easy. I'm not really well read in fiction, I want to write down the math for the Lorentz transformation when I ought to be pulling a hyperdrive lever

Being as I don't have a degree, it's make it as a fiction author or bust. I'm afraid I'm a bit committed at this stage (though could still turn my WW2 novel into an argumentative history of the Eastern Front...erm I open chapters describing where particular divisions were historically, what this particular Staff Chief historically wrote in his diary about Hitler, very detailed technical research to describe a Messerscmitt landing and so on).

Your feedback is extremely helpful. Thanks again
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Old 01-05-2009, 05:05 PM   #944
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mach: You know I love you and I thank you for the review of Realms of Honor. If anyone wants to believe it, it was an idea that stemmed when I watched the trailer for a video game. I kind of want to see if people can guess at what it is.

However I like that you pointed out the arguing of the rules between the 'good guys' and the 'bad guys.' It played itself out as I wrote it and I guess I was thinking of the Jedi and their Code in TPM and AotC and how they would say that "the Code forbids it." In Essence I played on that but really it wrote itself out.

Thanks again for the review and I am always appreciative of your good natured heckling

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Old 01-08-2009, 09:29 PM   #945
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*Short*Death Of A Jedi

Camo-Man 07

After ROTS: A Jedi tries to assassinate the Emperor.

The word is features. Remember to polish and edit.

The basics are good, though as has been pointed out, it paralleled the fight between Palpatine and Yoda. My primary argument with it was technical;

Technical: While I can see them still using fire alarms in that time, you missed one minor flaw. Setting of an alarm in say the Congressional offices here in the US would draw a rapid response, guards to find and verify the fire, sensors that would detect if it were a false alarm, even fire fighting droids. In the case of a Chief of State, his own security force would have gotten him out and damn anyone else first, so having him just stand there and wait didn’t make a lot of sense.

Destined to Live
Darth Yuthura

Post TSL: A gladiator and his woman ponder what life really means.

The scenes are stark and clearly defined. This is so far one of your better works. I wish I had the time to read it all.

Pick of the Week

The Company
CommanderQ

Two weeks after General Order 66: A group of rebellious clones fight their brothers.

Any of my usual comments about editing are unnecessary, so remember to edit and polish.

The basics are good, the combat scene could use some work in my opinion, but that’s just me. I was a bit confused until the last few paragraphs of the first posting because there was no mention of why they had rebelled; though the explanation was there, so I’m satisfied.

In Pursuit of Glory.
Astor Kaine

Non-SW Historical fiction: A gallant fight you a young officer.

The piece flowed well, and AK has shown again a mastery of the historical work here. The scenes, the fight, the shock of the volley, all well done.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Mission Briefing
Tysyacha

The first couple of paragraphs needed smoothing, but other than that well done.

I approached this one with a bit of trepidation. If you didn’t read the two prologue posts, I was the one who created Becca Solis and scripted that little practical joke war at Tys‘s request. Then like any father, I stood back and watched her toddle off now being controlled by another.

Not that I really minded, because Tys has done her usual workmanlike best.

Pick of the week.

kotorfanmedia

Light side Female Revan

Venomous, Part One
Ninjer

PreKOTOR on Dxun: An Assassin makes an attempt on Revan’s life… But was she sent by who I think sent them?

The story is compelling, dark, dangerous, and an excellent read. The only part that confused me was the idea that some of the Jedi Masters had sent her. It’s one on those niggling little questions that will make me wish I could read every page.

Pick of the Week

Tatooine Landing
Joysweeper

KOTOR on Tatooine: The crew lands and prepares for action

Others have said it, and I will too; the attention to detail is exquisite, giving every character more depth than the game could. I could picture them all standing there in real live, and making Tatooine a bit like one of the Arab or South American countries where Baksheesh is expected was an interesting twist.

Pick of the Week

Light side Female Exile

The Shadows of Cinders: Chapter One - Of Fire and Irony
Akira Sereneda

TSL Right after Malachor V: The Exile starts to recover from her climactic battle.

The writing is well done, the introspection and interactions interesting. Well worth a read.

End of the Beginning. Beginning of the End. Chapter 1.
Egiaprevolg

TSL After the climactic battle on Malachor: The Exile mentally says goodbye so she can search for the man she loves.

As the author said, Revan/Exile romances are rare, and the spurned lover reaction she expects to use when she finally finds her love was just gtoo good to miss.

Pick of the Week

The Meaning of a Name
EowynJedi

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk, no specific section given: What is in a name after all?

The author took a quirk of the game’s programming and took it to new heights in this treatise. The question suggested in the title is well examined,

Floating
PrincessJaden

TSL on Citadel Station: Sometimes you just have to take or be taken

The piece is short and sweet, and the cute part was how Atton just did what he could to convince the Exile of his interest. It was only slightly surprising to me, but I did enjoy the surprise.

Fallen
Rina Delwynn

TSL No specific section given: After his betrayal, the Exile only has five words for Atton

The piece flowed well, the pain not only in Atton’s word but hers as well nicely done. Someone else has given suggestions about how to edit this, so I won’t bother.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-09-2009, 07:05 AM   #946
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Originally Posted by machievelli View Post
In Pursuit of Glory.
Astor Kaine

Non-SW Historical fiction: A gallant fight you a young officer.

The piece flowed well, and AK has shown again a mastery of the historical work here. The scenes, the fight, the shock of the volley, all well done.

Pick of the Week.
Thank you for the review, Mach.

I'm not sure i'd call it 'mastery', but I do have a great love of history (especially from 1700 to 1815), and had been looking for an opportunity to write something about it.

I thought it was a gamble on my part - i'd never written this sort of story before, and i'm pleased that it paid off.






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Old 01-09-2009, 11:19 AM   #947
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Thanks Mach!

I will gladly take your advice and polish until smooth I think I have finally achieved some sort of "Band of Brothers" feel with the story, but there is a bit to go still, so we'll see Thanks Again!


you very much
If a tree would fall in the woods.....would the other trees laugh at it?
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Old 01-15-2009, 09:31 PM   #948
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Nighthunter
RakataDark

AU No specific era given: A chance meeting in a bar.

Grammar problems. Remember to (As in go to) is different from Too (also). The work needs polishing, as an example, the description of Truesdale was confusing because there was little or no need to break it into so many sentences. Also check word usage. Bore should have been ‘become bored’ and complected (skin color) should be complicated.

The basics are good, though hackneyed. Meeting in a bar was pointed out to me by one editor as the poorest way to arrange the scene.

Technical note: ‘Bars’ are usually called Cantinas or tap-cafes in the EU.

The Black Skull
CommanderQ

Six months before battle of Endor: A mining colony is hit by the unknown.

The main things I would have pointed out have already been addressed except pointing out that editing would have probably fixed them.

The work is interesting, and the stark bare action was well done. I wish I had gotten a glimpse of what was attacking, but that happens in all of the better horror and Sci Fi stories, so it didn’t bother me that much.

Pick of the Week

The Unknown: Prologue
LordOfTheFish

Problems with both grammar and word usage. It’s their not they’re. I not eye.
Instead of uncovered, they should be trying to convince her to reveal.

The basics are good, but the story drags. I had trouble seeing a Jedi being held so readily by her enemies, and giving such a lackluster performance when escape became viable. But that is editing and polishing.

Mass Effect II: Reaping: A Colleague in the Commissary
Tysyacha

Non SW Fiction: The commander begins to gather more crew as the story continues

The idea is forming well, and from what I saw of one of the creators of a character (Alkonium) it might get… interesting.

Pick of the Week

Tret'ye Srazhenie: Chapter II: Enclave Emissaries
Tysyacha

The piece is flowing, but a bit slow for my tastes. Starting to flesh out the crew now.

Scion of Darkness ~ Episode One: Fear Leads to Anger
The Doctor, Endorenna and Adavardes

Four centuries after the fall of the second Empire: The students of the Academy are detailed for our enjoyment.

It’s detracted rather than distracted. Gait not gate. Minor things, considering that it would take rereading to detect them.

I only had a chance to read the first posting, as you all know I am usually too busy, but this piece was interesting especially in the interaction between the students. I think I’d like to read it all if I can get the chance.

Pick of the week

kotorfanmedia

Remote
Tankgirly

TSL on Dxun: A lifetime apart, two old comrades reprise their first meeting.

The piece flowed well. The only negative, that I saw was a previous comment about lack of description, however that is a style comment rather than an actual criticism. Well done

Pick of the Week

Fool's Luck
General San 3

TSL on Peragus: There are three types of luck; bad, dumb and blind

The quote above I attribute to Cole and Bunch from one of their Sten books, and fit’s the scene on Pergaus as described by this author. The flashbacks fit perfectly, giving us an idea of how Atton came to be on Peragus very well. The scenes were clearly defined and flowed. A very good read.

Pick of the Week.

As the Earth to the Sun
Shadow Rise

TSL on Citadel Station: The brief romance ends as a lover you didn’t expect dies.

The scene was well done, and considering the possibility of a female Exile, well done. The scenes were abrupt, almost chiaroscuro. But as a fan of Sin City, I can say I like chiaroscuro.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side Male Exile

Knights of the Republic III: Force of Echos - Prologue
WebMistressGina

Originally reviewed 30 Dec 2005

Post TSL: Revan is getting together a few good people...

The style is well done, the story easy and fun to read. The readers on Kotorfanmedia gave it twelve thumbs up. It deserved them.

Reprise Pick of the Week

The Three Little Masters and the Big Bad Exile
Arrow

TSL: The three little pigs Star Wars style.

I started this and had to grin at; ‘Once upon a time a long... uh, longer time ago in a galaxy far, far away’

From that point on has was smiling, grinning, and even chortling. The ‘moral’ of the story was just too choice.

Pick of the Week

The Third Betrayal
Allronix

Originally reviewed 10 Mar, 2006

From his own KOTOR III Fan-fic. Ebon Hawk makes a stop that leads to betrayal.

As with all of the work of this author, it is excellent and well written. While the scene is too reminiscent of the scene on Bespin in The Empire Strikes Back, it was still well done and intriguing. The ending was not wholly unexpected, but well played.

Reprise Pick of the Week

The Coming Darkness, Prologue
Darth Kronos

Originally reviewed on 10 Mar 2006

A Dark Jedi Master contemplates the universe.

Darth Kronos has given us a view of the universe that is not unique, but well considered. What if the bad guys in all of our star wars stories, all of Lucas’ stories were trying to save the galaxy, not destroy it? DK only looks at Exar Kun and Revan, but it is a thought provoking read.
My biggest problem with adding this to my work load is I honestly don’t have time to hunt down and read every bit of the works I have enjoyed.

Reprise Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 01-15-2009 at 11:02 PM.
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Old 01-15-2009, 09:37 PM   #949
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Thanks again, Mach. I'll edit the errors I detect out.

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Old 01-15-2009, 09:47 PM   #950
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Thanks for the review, Mach - though, just a note? I'm not the sole author. I'd appreciate if you'd also list Endorenna and Adavardes as authors, as well please.

EDIT: Much better. Thanks.

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Old 01-15-2009, 10:04 PM   #951
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Thanks very much for the review Mach. Yeah grammar has always been the weakest part of my fanfictions. Though I mostly self edit and don't catch all of my errors. I am still looking for a beta reader at the moment


"There's gotta be a better way to make a living"
-Kyle Katarn
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Old 01-15-2009, 11:27 PM   #952
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Thanks Mach! I'll try to edit and correct and proofread more often! The review will definately help, thanks again!


you very much
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Old 01-15-2009, 11:37 PM   #953
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To elaborate on what mach said about me implying that it'll get interesting, I stated in the backstory that I gave Tysy for the character Peter McGann that he's bisexual, and that he's had affairs with turians in the past, and probably other Citadel races. My guess is Torchwood meets Mass Effect.


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Old 01-18-2009, 04:46 PM   #954
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As always, thank you for the Pick of the Week and your reviews, mach, and Alkonium is in fact correct. I'm trying to think of a way to rocket both of my series forward with a full-blown crisis or meltdown--the problem is deciding what such a crisis will be!
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Old 01-22-2009, 11:17 PM   #955
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My Fantasy Fiction
Tysyacha

Non SW: A knight gathers her team

Posted May 2006, finally getting a review. The only reason it had been ignored before was due to it being non SW.

The piece flowed relatively well. This is one of the first works Tys posted, and one I missed as mentioned above, so…

Reprise Pick of the Week

The Reunited
Chevron 7 Locke

Non SW Set in Stargate Universe: A gift is given…

The piece was rather dry, C7. I have not seen the Stargate Atlantis series (Have only seen maybe three of Stargate at all) so characters were ill defined though I knew enough to know who three of them were. It’s a good piece but too bland for me.

Heroes of the Republic
Jedi Man

Post TSL: A man remembers, and wonders why he is labeled that way

The piece is a well done little piece of introspection. I don’t vote of Jayvar’s, but if I did this might have gotten one.

KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: There Is No Death...
Tysyacha

Post TSL: The next chapter of Tret'ye Srazhenie; The path is not clear, and discerning it causes death.

The piece started out bland, but boy did it satisfy!

Pick of the week


Mass Effect II: Reaping: Hostage Crisis!
Tysyacha

Non SW fiction: Third chapter of the series; an interesting test of ideals.

The piece flowed well, though part didn’t feel quite right. A good chapter Tys.

Deeper Mysteries Of The Force
Marius Fett

PreKOTOR: A Padawan finally gets his chance at the trials.

The piece was well done and flows smoothly. As another had commented, the fight was well choreographed and flowed as well as the story.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

We have finally reached the point where I will be able to start section 4, Dark side Male Exiles. To facilitate this for the readers of this article, I will mark each section as dark or light, male or female, Revan or Exile.

Dark Side Male Revan

Retribution - I. Collisions
Lord Zuess

PreKOTOR: The capture of Revan; what really happened at that battle?

There were some word usage problems probably due to forgetting to edit. The word ‘libe’ considering the context probably meant line. I always tell people to reread, edit, and rewrite. What praise I have been given on my own work is because I try to put my money where my mouth is. Oddly enough, most of the dings is because I forget to practice what I preach.

The story flowed so well I almost missed where it changed from what we ‘know’ and what you wrote. The change was so skillful I am amazed and delighted by that skill.

Pick of the Week

Almost Dawn
Allronix

Originally reviewed 11 April 2007 Original review;

A missing scene from Kotor II. Carth and Canderous team up to rescue Revan

This is the fifth time Allronix has been reviewed by me. It just keeps getting better.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Faith
Allronix

Originally posted 12 may 2007 review:

KOTOR II, Darth Traya hides behind the scenes, controlling a Dark Exile.

Allronix is back for the sixth time showing his darker side with this one. The backbiting tone of the work, arguing with someone that is trapped and unable to answer is so perfect.

Reprise Pick of the Week

KOTOR III: The Purge: Prologue
Darth Searus

PostTSL: A new order is created.

The piece is short and sweet, but as Howard the Duck would say, ‘This does not bode well’. I just wish I had time to read it all.

Juma
Allronix

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: From straight-laced Disciple to party animal - just add juma...

I am never surprised when Allronix turns out a first class performance and this was no exception. The characters are in one of those ‘this is normal situations’, but it starts out silly and ends with a slight twist that makes it uproarious.

Pick of the Week

Revan’s Dark Follower
Revangoddess

Originally posted 26 January 2007 that review is below;

Set after TSL: Revan returns to known space.

You’re being more wordy that necessary. (she didn’t dare kiss the burning sands of Tatooine, not unless she wanted to burn herself in the process of kissing the ground.) could be reduced and made simpler to read by deleting the last four words for example. There are some words used incorrectly (There instead of their, that kind of thing) these is an editing problem, nothing more.

Introspection is always good for the reader. Too often characters (Anakin in ROTS comes to mind) make decisions that have little or no bearing in what is happening around them. You avoided that trap with this look into her soul.

Very well done.


Reprise Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-29-2009, 11:58 PM   #956
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Star Wars - Rise Of Darkness
Rtas Vadum

Post TSL: A dark Exile searches for information, and remembers.

The basic idea is good and flows well. Remember to edit, because you’re still forgetting the possessive I.

Welcome to the Forum

Good Hero/Bad Hero
Salzella

Post KOTOR, possible preTSL: entry in the Hero contest on LF’s Jayvar’s Cantina. What makes a hero

Spelling errors primarily. The word Promotary was confusing, and the on line dictionary couldn’t find it. Is it possible you meant promontory? sacraficing is spelled sacrificing.

The basics are good, the exaggerating of the first story the kind you can sometimes expect when people want to embellish. The break between the two was well done, though the second was more a resume rather than a story.

I never vote on the contests, but I would have tapped this as one of my choices, your version of a hero, even doing what will damn you because you must was perfect.

Pick of the Week.

Not For Me
Mr. BFA

Twenty odd years PostTSL: Sometimes a hero is just the guy who does the job

While someone interfering would be called an interferer, the phrase was cumbersome, better written as we don’t like people interfering in our work.”

The biggest problem I had with the work is technical. A vibroblade by definition would be too sharp to use as a throwing knife in the manner described. It would be like doing the same thing with a light saber. Same with holding it between your teeth.

The story was as Bee Hoon said predictable, but I thoroughly enjoyed the way the story went.

As I said above, I never vote, but your story would have gotten one.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old republic: Jedi of Destiny
DarthVander205

Post TSL, though specifics beyond a child’s birth not given: A Jedi walks into the Hutt’s den.

Some problems with word usage a nation is strapped for cash, not stripped. areint is spelled aren’t. cement slippers is a bit obvious and in the SW galaxy the material is never mentioned. Why not ferrocrete or plascrete instead?

Also you keep changing tenses, past and present.

The basics look good but not editing causes the flow to be interrupted. This is your first review by me, but remember as I tell everyone; reread, edit, rewrite, then repeat.

Welcome to the Forum

KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Aftermath
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Continuation of Tret'ye Srazhenie, The way some deal with death

I am never surprised when Tys turns out good work, and this is no exception. The way everyone is reacting is well written. Having Atton of all people coming down on everyone was interesting, and the reaction of the students was choice.

Pick of the Week.

Mass Effect II: Reaping: Nu, Chtozh? So, What?
Tysyacha

NonSW: Third chapter of the Mass effect series; always a court of inquiry.

The story is progressing well, and this chapter out shown previous chapters for me.

The byplay within the team over actions taken, should you shoot or not is an ever present problem, the reason they created courts on inquiry for the military and shooting boards for police.

The thing is, as the crisis ends, there is always someone who wants to assign blame.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

What Happens On Korriban
CaptainCrunch

KOTOR on Korriban: Love is offered from all sides.

At the end of the story I was torn as to what to say. You have two of the bad ‘guys’ making passes at Revan, and at the same time a letter pouring her heart out to the third. I wasn’t surprised how it turned out, but the author obviously was. Having had scenes where the character decided on their own to do something, I enjoyed that aspect immensely.

Pick of the Week

Sion
Ivory Chopstick

TSL at the Traya Academy: The final confrontation between the Exile and Sion retold

This cannot be praised enough. The depth of feeling from Sion was well portrayed, even his own shock that his enemy regretted having to kill him rather than hating him was excellent.

Pick of the Week.

Dark Side Male Revan

Orange Juice
Vlork

KOTOR before the unknown planet: Is this what a Sith Apprentice is supposed to do?

I had to wait for a few moments after reading this because I was too busy laughing. I will even let references to Earth food (Coconuts and oranges) slide because of how the story went. I loved the poem in it’s entirety because of the dialogue nature where someone comments and the author of the poem starts an argument. And I loved Sith Gardener!

Pick of the Week

Dark Side Male Exile

Mandalorian Sword
Starwars Chick-co-written with Walruseater.

Post TSL: Mandalore goes in search of an historical relic, and for honor.

The story flowed well, and the basis good. Taking someone else’s burden due to honor was an interesting twist, as I had done the same in reverse with Canderous accepting the dishonor of the Mandalorians on Dantooine in my own work.

This appears to have been misfiled, since the Exile is female.

Pick of the Week

Legacy of Malachor
The Disciple

Post TSL: Bao-Dur fights his descent to the dark side at the hands of his General

The piece was reminiscent of the original Dracula, the fear that you are going to fall, the temptations offered, and the final fall very well done.

Pick of the Week

This appears to have been misfiled, since the Exile is female.

Fantasizing
Grimrabbit

KOTOR no specific part given: So that is HK’s idea of love.

I loved it. The idea that HK could be just as hung up on something as a human could be was amusing but the comments about him creating the mechanical equivalent of drooling and spending time in the bath room with a catalog was just too much.

Pick of the Week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-30-2009, 12:13 PM   #957
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli View Post
Salzella

Post KOTOR, possible preTSL: entry in the Hero contest on LF’s Jayvar’s Cantina. What makes a hero

Spelling errors primarily. The word Promotary was confusing, and the on line dictionary couldn’t find it. Is it possible you meant promontory? sacraficing is spelled sacrificing.

The basics are good, the exaggerating of the first story the kind you can sometimes expect when people want to embellish. The break between the two was well done, though the second was more a resume rather than a story.

I never vote on the contests, but I would have tapped this as one of my choices, your version of a hero, even doing what will damn you because you must was perfect.

Pick of the Week.
thank you very much second potw, yee-haa

as for 'Promotary' i suspect i made it up, though i can't quite remember. i think i was taking my lead from Iain M Banks in making up sci-fi-ish words for areas or peoples, though i admit it's use was confusing D: and yeah, i always spell sacrifice wrong. it's like simile (similie) and things like that. mental block

thanks again
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Old 02-05-2009, 10:39 PM   #958
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As promised a very distubing story about an EMO kid
Samnmax221

NonSW Fiction: Who is more confused; the father or the son?

The one thing the piece needed was editing. There are words left out, used improperly, and punctuation that needs serious correcting.

The story tends to leap in too many directions for me to keep track. It was amusing having the characters take pot shots at both the author and readers, commenting that the author hadn’t given the adult a name, and that ‘mom’ was such a secondary character that she is only mentioned occasionally.

Cataclysmic Infinium
Arcesious

NonSW Fiction: A series of incidents leads to a surprising find.

The work needs editing. The flow is interrupted by poor sentence and paragraph structure The sentence ‘The ship fired’ for example would have flowed better by putting it at the end of the paragraph rather than at the start. Also, 21085 BCE was long after the cave dwelling days. Having everyone hear the same number in 21085 CE was confusing because that is 17,000 years in the future of your piece.

The timeline is a bit long and one question plagues me; how did the Third World War last four hundred years? Remember what Albert Einstein said; when asked what weapons would be used in that war, his reply was that he didn’t know, but the fourth world war would be fought with clubs and rocks.

I am hoping, if this continues, that we’ll get an answer as to how the ship ended up buried on Earth. The reaction of the buried ship made the story interesting. Why did it automatically accept the commands of the humans?

KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Admonitions
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Continuation of Tret'ye Srazhenie; the team prepares to depart with one last addition.

The story is flowing well, the only odd point being that while Atton seemed to have meditated he didn’t change his mind.

Mass Effect II: Reaping: Warnings on Two Fronts
Tysyacha

NonSW: Continuation of Reaping; The hearing and decision

The inquiry was interesting in that they decided not to make a decision. The reactions of the med personnel was what you might expect from hostages. I for one have always agreed that the way to deal with a terrorist attack is make sure the cameras get their bodies being taken out afterward, but that’s just my own hard heart.

Pick of the week

kotorfanmedia

Dark Side Male Exile

Bloodlust
Miraea Starr

PreKOTOR: What price vengeance?

It may be misfiled as a Dark Exile story, but the piece reached out and grabbed you from the first sentence. A look into a man’s heart, making you understand how much vengeance can eat at you. Every step from the deaths in the battle to rationalizing why it is right and proper, to questioning the actions was well done.

Pick of the Week

Rejected: The Quest to Make a Good Read
Plutospawn

KOTOR: Writing can be hard…

This isn’t about the game characters beyond barbs fired by the story characters. The piece starts off with of all things, comments on herb chicken; and goes downhill from there at a breakneck pace. The ending plot was choice, albeit rejected by the other author. It was irreverent, outrageous, and loads of fun.

Pick of the Week

Eyes Closed
Plutospawn

PostTSL: The passing of a friend brings the original crew back together.

Another misfiled piece, but I’m glad it was. The setting is so mundane and normal that you can picture everything clear as a movie screen. The story tears at you, because like the characters, you wish you could wake up from the nightmare they are living.

Pick of the Week

Sing
Plutospawn

PreKOTOR during the wars: When can you tell that your compatriot has fallen apart?

A bit of confusion about a page in caused by forgetting a conversation break, no biggie An editing problem, nothing more.

As a pair of soldiers kicked back over a brew, discussing another officer, this was head and shoulders above the others. The description of both battle and the scene in the bar was well done.

Pick of the Week

Bargaining Chip
Plutospawn

KOTOR on Korriban: You have to consider the role…

An interesting take on the situation on Korriban concerning what role Carth or Canderous would have had to play going into the Sith Academy. We forget what rights we would lose if we were considered slaves, and this is an excellent view of what could occur.

Pick of the Week.

*Mind Games
Darth Melly

PreTSL: A Jedi risks her life to turn one man, and set events into motion.

The scene is well portrayed, the terror of the prison deeply entrenched in the stark images. The utter futility of resistance underscored. This makes the heroine that much more heroic.

She knows she cannot survive, she can only win.

One critic commented on the torture, and I agree. Melly, why not add the scenes you could have, it would be worth the effort, and I’d love to see it.

Pick of the Week

Shadows of My Past
Pimp3dout335

TSL on Malachor V: The struggle between light and dark goes to the bitter end.

This piece is dark but not unremittingly. There are glimpses of the light still trying to flow through right to the end. This makes it darker at the end.

Pick of the Week

Stop Drinking or Mutiny
Jackbenimble

KOTOR on Tatooine: An irreverent look at Revan

The start was fun, and using his light saber as a cigar lighter was a riot. The piece went from humorous to serious very smoothly, and having everyone on his case was choice.

A bottle opener designed into your light saber? As funny as it sounds the Israelis built one into the Galil rifle because the average troop would use their ammo magazines to open beer and Coke bottles.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-05-2009, 11:09 PM   #959
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Thanks for the Advice. Yes, after starting working on an evolutionary timeline in Biology class today, I've noticed that my timeframes are way off. I'll have to fix that... I was going by CE and BCE as a replacement for the standard BC/AD, not realizing that C meant Cenozoic Era. Whoops...


Please feed the trolls. XD
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Old 02-06-2009, 12:16 AM   #960
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arcesious View Post
Thanks for the Advice. Yes, after starting working on an evolutionary timeline in Biology class today, I've noticed that my timeframes are way off. I'll have to fix that... I was going by CE and BCE as a replacement for the standard BC/AD, not realizing that C meant Cenozoic Era. Whoops...
Having dealt with the Jehovah's Witnesses, I read CE as CHristian Era.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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