Hey Murray the Chao! Just know that I don't appreciate the fake cussing, but I feel for you with this game. I have the solution, and your fake cussing did not increase your chance of me finding you and telling you the solution; just one post would have summoned me just the same. Case in point: http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=50595
The answer is to dual boot (or make a virtual machine, preferably dual boot) with Linux, and install WINE 1.3.17 (+, though beware of regressions) into Linux Mint 10(+) or an up-to-date Ubuntu. Then play Battle for Naboo in WINE.
For reasons and stuff like that, follow the link chain I gave you. I tried to tell you this solution before at Jedi Council (I hear your cries!), but the thread was closed. I tried to send you a private message, but I have to have at least 20 posts at Jedi Council to send you a personal message. Here's the message I tried to send you (ok, I cleaned it up a bit):
Private message to MurraytheChao (got nixed - need 20 posts first)
Message in response to: http://boards.theforce.net/games_vid...5/23384600/p1/
Battle for Naboo works in WINE in Linux - TheTK421 gets the "prize" for being right about that - but I have to take that prize away when he says that Windows is DOS. Battle for Naboo is NOT a DOS game. Windows is NOT DOS. BFN works without compatibility mode or anything in Windows 7 as well as XP Service Pack 3. Windows used to run on top of DOS. Now it doesn't even do that (at least since XP). It is an NT kernel. It is much more stable now (but not anything close to the stability of Linux). I intended to reply to that thread you started about Battle for Naboo not working for you, but the thread is locked. Some people in there are flat wrong. But as far as a DOS emulator helping, there is a thing called DOSBox. It has 2 modes - emulating DOS, and something more like a traditional virtual PC. If you kick 'er into that 2nd mode, and install Windows 98, once 3DFX emulation gets implemented in DOSBox, Battle for Naboo will work in that, according to my friend DOS4Dinner (but I don't see how you'll get a joystick in there). So it would be working in a program with DOS emulation as one of its features, but not while it's actually emulating DOS. Note that you will still be running DOS under Windows 98. It's that DOSBox emulates an entire computer - not just a DOS shell or whatever you want to call it.
My experience is that the problem is that sometimes you get a graphics card not able to do the graphics calls that Battle for Naboo wants. People seem to be getting new computers with a later version of Windows, and those new graphics cards in those new computers don't do Battle for Naboo graphics calls - but the people blame the problem on the new version of Windows. I have seen Battle for Naboo work flawlessly in Windows XP Service Pack 3 and Windows 7 (no compatibility mode or anything). And it works pretty good in WINE 1.3.17.
WINE wraps (converts) graphics calls from whatever they are (like DirectX, 3DFX, whatever) into OpenGL. All modern graphics cards can handle OpenGL. So if it doesn't work on your computer, dual boot with some up-to-date Linux distro, put > WINE 1.3.16 in, and play Battle for Naboo. I think you'd have the easiest time with Ubuntu or Linux Mint - though I don't have much experience with other distros so I wouldn't REALLY know.
Check this out: