*Radio Free Saturn*

[Shivermetimbers]

Examination of the Skull and Inner Regions of a Male High School English Teacher

As a medical student interning at the National Institute of Rare Specimen Research, I was asked to assist in an autopsy of the severed head of a male high school English teacher. The examination of our specimen began with an observation of the epidermis and dermis covering the skull. We found that there was nothing remarkably different about the actual skin from that of a normal person, even from our prior dissection of a female English teacher. The sebaceous glands, or oil glands attached to the hair follicles on the scalp were rather large and overactive. According to Dr Dan D. Ruff of the International Folicular Academy in Snowdome, Idaho, this is a "fairly common problem, but with regular washing over an adult lifespan it can easily be cured". The other remarkable area of the head was the hairy area of the upper lip, extending from the philtrum laterally to the corners of the mouth. The hairs were coated in dried saliva and skin cells of the type are only found on the tips of the digits but commonly left behind on other surfaces. Delving deeper into the hair-covered area of the upper lip, we found a virtual compost heap of bits of fish, pot roast, yogurt, eggs, spaghetti, and apple juice. Generally, this type of debris is only seen on young children who eat while talking and/or standing up.
Upon examining the ears, we found, superficial to the tympanic membrane, another sort of membrane similar to that in an air filter. When one of my colleagues experimented with it, he found that this membrane contorted sounds. Compliments or agreement with his ideas were loud and pleasant sounding, while jests made at him and opinions which he did not share were quiet and sounded static and unpleasant. In our examination of the female English teacher, this membrane also existed, but filtered out only completely unintelligent comments or blatant rudeness.
Upon opening the skull, we found that the bones were thicker and harder than that of the female, whose skull was indistinguishable from that of a normal human being. As we know, the brain is made up of many lobes, each having different purposes and functions. The cerebral cortex itself was grossly misshapen, swollen in some parts and shriveled in others. The cerebral lobe, which generally contains thoughts and emotions about oneself, in this case took up the vast majority of the cavity inside the skull. The posterior lobe, in which information is stored, was separated down the middle. In truly smart or even reasonably intelligent people, the right side of this lobe, where useful information is kept and can be retrieved, is larger the left side, holding some silly opinions told to the subject by someone else. In the male English teacher (but not the female) the left side was exploding with what looked like pig feces. Meanwhile, the shriveled right side was contained in a tiny steel box, welded shut. There was a tiny date engraved around the box, obviously marking its last use. It was the day after our specimen had been conceived.
Upon testing the feces like material oozing from the left posterior lobe, we found the main ingredient to be rotten bits of the notes found in the beginning and end of dry American literature texts. These notes had been chewed up and spat out the duct leading to the tongue so many times by the former teacher that the left lobe was put under extreme stress from lack of any help from the gland below it. The cogitatis gland, in the female specimen, was constantly processing the words and images which were transmitted to it by the eye, and rearranging them into new ideas. In the male teacher, the gland simply reabsorbed the information it had recently spewed out after memorizing it from a book years ago. At a cocktail party Dr. X. Tinct, professor of Mammoth Psychology at the University of Northeastern Uruguay, commented that "it's not uncommon at all for large, hairy mammals to become stuck with an idea they stole from someone else and call it their own. One mammoth does something another finds meaningful, and pretty soon its all the second mammoth can talk or think about. As soon as a mammoth accepts another's opinion as fact, the right posterior lobe locks, the cogitatis gland shuts down and the left begins exploding with something similar to pig feces. That’s a fact!" while handing his beer stein to a passing barmaid.
We proceeded on to the tumedis lobe, which was grossly oversized. As soon as it was punctured, a cloud of evil smelling pink gas arose from it. It looked and smelled similar to that substance which was found in the female English teacher's heart, and was present in the cavities where friends, family and even a generalized cavity with students were kept. It appeared to have been artificially manufactured in this brain, as a substitute for that which was missing in the heart.
After the gas (which was being emitted from an ordinary bag of potato chips) had cleared, we began looking at the inner workings of this lobe. As a bit of background, one must know that the brain is full of neurotransmitters, which crisscross and send messages around like telephone wires all through out the brain. In this lobe, however, many of the aforementioned transmitters were frayed, and some had been cut completely. We found, at the end of the soundest transmitter, what looked like a pile of photos clipped from magazines. Jerry Seinfeld, William Shakespeare, Brad Pitt, Sir Laurence Olivier, Robert Frost, and others were all taped together in a rustling mass. After removing these tiny clippings, we found that they were actually taped over a tiny mirror.
Oddly, at another one of the more reliable transmitters, we found a very small pile of famous, overused poems (24 by Robert Frost), as well as some originals filled to the brim with clichéd phrases. A few nerves left this pile; some went to the tongue and respiratory system, some to the cerebellum, where they coordinated the muscles to make this large teacher try and seem more impressive by standing up straight. In life, this would have added to the "dramatic" effect as the quaint images and symbolism emitted from underneath the contaminated upper lip. Roland Roque, an associate from the Cacophony, New Jersey based Skippin' Along Records, said that "all the pop stars have an area like this. It's where they keep their memorized songs. However, in the past years the area in the pop stars has gotten smaller, due to the fact that fewer of them sing or even know their songs". When compared, the size of this English teacher's memory gland was only slightly greater than that of Britney Spears.
The rest of the brain being relatively nonexistent, we moved to the eye. After puncturing the cornea, instead of the aqueous humor, we found a small, extra lens. According to German researcher Trudi Lenz of die Anstadt Institut Fotografik, the function of this lens is similar to that of the extra membrane in the ear. This lens, when shown an ordinary symbol, (for example, an A) would flash random, unrelated objects (such as an two adults and a child) next to it, after receiving a message from the left posterior lobe. Says Blackfish "Sunny" Crowfoot, Native American spokesperson for Oakley sunglasses, "People tend to trust what their eyes tell them. So this simply produces fake symbolic value for anything in everyday life which the male English teacher may see."
This concluded our examination of the severed head. As the rest of the cadaver has not yet been recovered by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the full autopsy may not be published for several months. It is suspected that the person responsible for the demise of our subject is a former student (white, whale, mid to late twenties) whose English papers had never been returned.

[Zoom Rabbit]

Lexx: That was hours of fun! Hours, I tell ya.

Shivermetimbers: That is the weirdest post I've ever seen. And that's saying a lot...

Edlib: True what you say about a woman not being impressed by a man's car. However, a man's not having one does seem to specifically not impress her.

'Yeah, is this that NASA so-and-so bigwig I wanted on the phone? Of course this is the president. Listen, my plans to beat China to the moon are on. I mean, the big prize is Mars, and the moon is on the way anyway, right? Well, obviously we aren't going to be able to do it with the space shuttles...that's why I'm earmarking an additional billion dollars to you guys for a little R&D. The additional ninety-nine billion dollars we need to do the job will come from somewhere--don't you worry about that. I want spaceships from Star Wars, and I know you boys can build 'em.'

[Sivy]

hello, today i will be speaking to Laura-Lynne Hardy about Mothers Against Teletubbies...

welcome Miss Hardy
good evening
now, reading your mission statement, your organisation is campaigning for the destruction of all things which involve, the popular children's programme, the teletubbies.
yes, that is correct
why?
among other things, we believe that it promotes underage sex
really?
yes. look at the evidence... there's an awful amount of hugging...

surely thats a good thing?
absolutely not, its practically bordering on molestation.
you know what else? Tinky Winky? isn't that another name for penis? Dipsy? sounds like a pole dancer's name to me. Laa-Laa? stripper! and Po?... WHORE!!
i think you're dramatizing slightly...
they talk in orgasms!!
what?
running around waving their arms about in sexual excitement, making noises... "oooooo"ing and "ahhhhh"ing all the time... its disgusting... and they're naked, and what are those things on the top of their heads? handle bars i tell you!!!!!!
well that’s all the time we have this week..
but i haven't even talked about the the subliminal messages! or the promoting of drug use... they're all crack whores... CRACK WHORES!!!
er... security?

this is Siv for RFS signing off

[edlib]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit
Edlib: True what you say about a woman not being impressed by a man's car. However, a man's not having one does seem to specifically not impress her.

Depends where you are. I know folks who were born and raised in NYC who have never bothered to get a licence, let alone a car. Perhaps Kylilin can confirm that as well, but there are many urbanites to whom the purchase, storage, and upkeep of a motor vehicle would be an unnecessary luxury, not to mention an expensive burden.
These people seem to manage to date,.. but I guess if the guy couldn't afford Cab fare he would be kinda in the same boat as a suburbanite without wheels. Public transportation doesn't seem help romance in any way (with the sole exeption being that subway scene in "Risky Business"...)

On a completly unrelated note (other than a passing reference to the Northeast area)

DAMN! IT'S REALLY FRIKKEN' COLD AROUND HERE!!!!

Yikes! We might break an all-time record low temperature in the next 24 hours. It's about 3 here now, with like a -12 windchill.
The temp on top of Mount Washington was -120 with the windchill yesterday.

Read that again: MINUS ONE HUNDRED TWENTY DEGREES.

Brrrrr...

[Zoom Rabbit]

Edlib, I just drove down to the seven-eleven and checked their crushed ice--it's reading a nice, toasty warm 30 degrees. I'll ship as much of it to you as I can afford in hopes you guys can use it to insulate your homes...

[Cmdr. Cracken]

-25*F wind chill here.


BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

[leXX]

Why is it in summer we complain it's too hot and in winter we complain it's too cold. We are never satisfied! Mind you, whatever would us Brits use for idle conversation. We talk about nothing else! "I know I can't wait for summer" is now an instinct that instantly pops out of my mouth.

What I want to know is this - Is there a country in the world where the temperature is absolutely perfect all year round, and noone ever complains? If so, tell me now so that I can start making arrangements to live there.

[STTCT]

Southern CA -

but it does get on the hot side during the summer....a far cry from the -25 degree's I hear on the East side of this Country.

[Ray Jones]

ray jones here never complains about hot summer weather. i mean.. the skirts are short, the pants are hot and everything is fine. best is, you can leave the house without thick jackets and all that. watcha want more?

the winter here can decide we had some snow for about exactly circa 9,34 hours here and now it just rainy and ca 0 °C i dont know. it could be worse. for instance like.. "the engine is broken. the radio to. the air condition is running but we are running out of fuel. one weel got lost while bursting down that hill. oh. the good thing is: we know where we are. .. alaska. somewhere near the klondike. directly in the center of that blizzard." .. hey. i suddenly feel like it's summer out there.

20 years ago.. we still had snow and "real" winter from october til march. yeah. funny how it only needs some c.f.c.'s, 'fireworks', exhausts and wind power plants to make me 'winterless' ..

[Zoom Rabbit]

Originally posted by leXX
Why is it in summer we complain it's too hot and in winter we complain it's too cold. We are never satisfied! Mind you, whatever would us Brits use for idle conversation. We talk about nothing else! "I know I can't wait for summer" is now an instinct that instantly pops out of my mouth.

What I want to know is this - Is there a country in the world where the temperature is absolutely perfect all year round, and noone ever complains? If so, tell me now so that I can start making arrangements to live there.

Oregon. It's sixty degrees fahrenheit outside right now, and last summer it didn't get above forty more than that.

You could stay with me! *Squeal!*

[Ray Jones]

hey.. you can grow it the whole year.. outside.

[Shivermetimbers]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit
[B]
Shivermetimbers: That is the weirdest post I've ever seen. And that's saying a lot...

I aim to please!

That, my friend, is literature. Also a perfect description of my english teacher last year, who is a pompous a** eats while speaking in front of the class so you get sprayed with bits of food, andis an overall disguting jerk.

[Kylilin]

Originally posted by Shivermetimbers
I aim to please!

That, my friend, is literature. Also a perfect description of my english teacher last year, who is a pompous a** eats while speaking in front of the class so you get sprayed with bits of food, andis an overall disguting jerk.

Why doesn't anyone call him on it. I've been fighting with my teachers about stuff since Junior High School all the way through graduating college. If a teacher is being a jerk, I usually let them know it.

[Zoom Rabbit]

It's important to remember that most teachers are one of three things--

1: An alien in disguise.
2. A Chinese operative.
3. A hologram.

Treat them accordingly.

Game Review (Rogue Squadron 2: Rogue Leader)

(Yeah, so I'm behind the times. So what?)

Nintendo Gamecube (pre-owned) : $79.99 US

Rogue Squadron 2 (pre-owned) : $17.99 US

Finally seeing the Death Star blow up by your own hand: Priceless.

[Sivy]

gatherround kids, its story time..

once upon a time there was a man whose wife had gone for a vacation. When she came back from vacation she started reorganizing her wardrobe, the wife finds that there are two panties in her dresser which do not belong to her. Seeing this, she gets very angry and calls her husband and asks him, "whose panties are these?!!" Taken aback, he replies, "I have no idea"'
She gets really irritated and asks him to tell the truth, and then calls the maid. She questions the maid and asks her who these panties belong to. The maid replies, ''Madam, how do I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't wear panties, you can ask Sir, he knows that.''

[Ray Jones]

there is obviously a plothole happening, those are MINE. .. presents from astrid and irmelia .. errmm y'know??

[Deac]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit
It's important to remember that most teachers are one of three things--

1: An alien in disguise.
2. A Chinese operative.
3. A hologram.

Treat them accordingly.

You people haven't changed since the McArthur trials....

[Redwing]

o.O

Riiiight.

[Zoom Rabbit]

Originally posted by Deac
You people haven't changed since the McArthur trials....

Do you mean trials associated with Douglas MacArthur or Joseph McCarthy?

We have changed. We've learned to exact an annoying degree of perfectitude from our English cousins...

[Zoom Rabbit]

Wally the space dolphin is now quite sure that most of the earth's interior is a sponge rubber facsimile beamed into place while he was sleeping one night by clever interdimensional aliens determined to suck the original off into a giant planet processing center in null space where they could strip it of all of its mineralogical resources, unbeknownst to the hapless populace who will have no clue until oil drilling runs abruptly dry.

Uhm. Well, I guess you can't get oil from a sponge...

(Wake up, Aresen.)

[Lynk Former]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit
(Wake up, Aresen.)

Meeeehhhh x.x *rolls over and goes back to sleep*

[Deac]

Whoops. Slip of keys. I did mean those Communist Witch Hunts you had back in the 1950's.

[Commander 598]

Commies?!

CHARGE!!!!

[Zoom Rabbit]

Charge the commies?

Sure. What's their credit like, these days?

[Kuuki]

depends which kind of Commie you're charging.

They 'Mythical Perfect' Commies or the 'retreating poor and who was attempted to be invaded several times' Commies or 'We built a wall around Eastern Germany, and the one way you'll combat about that is make movies about a Birtish Spy playied by multiple actors, who gets laid and drinks Martini's, shaken not stured' Commies



oh yeah, almost forgot

'We'd most likey took a kid whom stoped our tanks in the street, and shot him' Commies, or 'We'll make nukes weither you like it or not' Commies and finaly (last but not least) 'Me love you long time' Commies

[Nitro]

Let's not forget your north american pseudo-commie...

Did I ever tell you my plan to overthrow Quebec and turn it into a communist nuclear superpower?

[Kuuki]

please do tell

[Deac]

Hmmm...there's an interesting premise for a movie...or did I see that one?

[Ray Jones]

i was born into communism. half grown up i was made a capitalist pig typee. any ideas how to make money out of it to buy drugs and share them with my soviet pals?

[lukeiamyourdad]

Originally posted by Nitro
Let's not forget your north american pseudo-commie...

Did I ever tell you my plan to overthrow Quebec and turn it into a communist nuclear superpower?

Whoa there! We are socialists not commies. We're not even socialist, were half-socialists...pseudo-socialists...

ah crap we're a bunch of commies...

[Lynk Former]

"We're under attack by commie-nazi's!!"

[lukeiamyourdad]

Uh... actually the nazis hate the commies.

[Deac]

Therefore, the evil Commie-Nazi is at war with himself. So that's why they were limited to Ranier Wolfcastle movies!

[Redwing]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit

(Wake up, Aresen.)

But...but...but...

[Zoom Rabbit]

Originally posted by lukeiamyourdad
Uh... actually the nazis hate the commies.

The nazis hate the commies, but the commies love the nazis. It's one of those tragic unrequited love stories full of angst and drama, occasionally shaken up by the mysterious third lover, existentialism.

[Nitro]

I'm a Communnazi!

[Ray Jones]

common nazi?

[Nitro]

HEIL STALIN!

[Zoom Rabbit]

Wally the space dolphin says that when it comes to analyzing Josef Stalin as a historical figure, pigeonholing him by ideology as either a communist or a nazi is a futile matter due to the man's own inscrutable gambler-like tendencies to spontaneously create his own political agenda and insanely unpredictable choice of means by achieving it, at times seeming the communist by the political apparatus by which he held the reins of power in his teeth, at times a nazi by the hob-nailed crush of the boot heel of his domestic policies, and a times seeming like a rock star wigged on LSD and cough syrup by the groovy, groovy stars in his eyes.

I also hear he had a wonderful singing voice.

[Nitro]

Soy'ooz neroosh'imi resp'ooblik svob'odnikh,
Splot'ila nav'eki vel'ikaia Rus!
Da zdr'avstvooyet sozdanni voley nar'odov,
Yed'ini mog'oochi Sov'etski Soy'ooz!

Sing it with me!