The Critic's 2 cents

[machievelli]

For those that wanted to see their reviews...
Star Wars: Invisible Hope
Sabretooth
Set during SWIII. An Arc trooper operation goes bad during the clone wars...
Sabretooth’s five chapter work is solid military fiction similar to ops in Vietnam which I have read about. When he learns the skill of editing and military nomenclature (A squad is about 10-12 men, a platoon is fifty or so Sabre), I expect great things of him.

The Battle For Almania
RC1162
Set in the Rogue Squadron series during the Yuuzhan Vong crisis. Introduction of Delta Squadron...
Good solid fiction. All in all though an excellent read.
RC1162 has the same problem a lot of us have. He’s thinking too fast when he puts words down on paper, so he sometimes mis-words the sentences. This is not the end of the world! I have stories I wrote in longhand that I can‘t read now because my handwriting deteriorates when I am thinking fast. All you need to do RC is reread it and edit before posting.

[FIC]Betrayal and Retribution
Stingerhs
Set during SW III and the aftermath. The circumstances that brought together the parents of a Jedi knight. When your father is Jango Fett and your mother a Corellian prostitute, life can be interesting.
Excellent work, excellent story. I especially like the way Stingerhs points out the biggest problem with the Republican government;

"That's what a System Government's job is: to make sure that the common populace isn't being suppressed. The Senate has made sure that it is a guaranteed right to all Republic Citizens." Of course if the ‘local’ government takes away your freedom, that’s all right.

[RC-1162]

good work. ill take ur suggestions in mind

[machievelli]

From Lucas Forum


SW: KotOR: Knights of War
starmark2k

A disillusioned Jedi wanders the Republic during Kotor1.

His ideas do what good fiction should, go outside the boundaries of what has already been done without making the reader uncomfortable.
He tends to write in a stream of thought method similar to watching a movie. So do I on occasion. However this causes him to use the wrong words in some places and jump scenes rapidly which can confuse a reader. This is not a major problem, as I said I do the same thing (Which is why I edit my own work ruthlessly before you see it, and it still comes up with the oddest typos.)
Slow it down. Think about what you’re trying to say. Make clear breaks especially if you‘re jumping from one totally disconnected scene to another. Give the reader a chance to catch up with your flow of thought.


The Journies of Ryan Pano
vladimir-vlada
The exile is looking for a few good women. Lucky for him they’re looking for a few good men. Set in Kotor2.
Parody is easy, but comedy is one of the hardest things to do with a serious subject. VV does it with style.
His writing style use of language (And his handle, I’m not stupid) told me that he wasn’t an English speaker, but I have rarely seen parody done so well by anyone.
Space Amazons? Darth Santa Claus?
Choice!

Scum of the Old Republic (SotOR)
Jblue789
The world of KOTOR from the underbelly of society.
Well done kid. Few of us care for the seamy side of life, and you covered the situation well. However, as much as cops hate being upstaged, sending in a regiment (1500 men) after one crook is overkill. Tone it down, k?

From the Galactic Senate;

Through The Eyes Of A Handmaiden, Rabé's Story, The life of a Handmaiden, Rabé Napola.
By Emma Kenobi
The events leading up to Phantom menace through the eyes of a handmaiden to Princess Amidala.

In a diary format, good for those that want to discover the inner workings of the average citizen of Naboo. Because it is in diary format, the pace is a little slow.

My Dear, Sweet Sola, The Letter of a Stormtrooper
Jors_Dedon

A brief respite from fighting that nasty Rebellion for a Stormtrooper assigned to the forest moon of Endor.

The writer is merely writing a letter from a man to his girlfriend assigned to one of the ships on station before the battle of Endor, but as with all such relics of a forgotten time, it has it’s own poignant charm.


From kotorfanmedia


Ask HK
zerokun1124

A parody with HK from KOTOR fame as an advice columnist.
While I thought the ‘just kill him’ attitude HK always displays would pall, it is remarkable funny. One of four in a series.

Struggle
Yggdrasil

After the destruction of the Star Forge, a Jedi out for revenge meets Revan and her crew.

I was hooked three paragraphs into this. Outstanding work, the angst of the main character is haunting.

Of Droids and meatbags- The Tale of HK47.
Yano Upav

The story of Revan’s ascent from the view of his bodyguard droid.
Well written, and the viewpoint is superb. Yano gets into the circuits of HK, and through them you see the people around him. The ‘death and destruction’ view of HK works well in the fleet action which ends the first posting, and makes me want to read more.

[REDJOHNNYMIKE]

helpful
I haven't read much yet because they can get long, it's nice to have recomendations

[Vladimir-Vlada]

Excellent advices. I must say that you have surely studied literature on a university, and it seems like that having a critique is not such a bad thing after all . I'm going to abbandon comedy for a while, and turn to EPICS. (hopefully it will be better than the attempt I tried to make).

Originally Posted by machievelli

His writing style use of language (And his handle, I’m not stupid) told me that he wasn’t an English speaker, but I have rarely seen parody done so well by anyone.

Yes, it's true that I'm not an English speaker, but I was never really good at making comedies anyway.

[machievelli]

Thanks for your praise Vladimir, but it may surprise you to know that I have only a High School education.
I have always read anything I could get my hands on, and having a mother that constantly ragged on me to do it right the first time was a big help. Plus I have been beating my head against the 'you don't have a name so why should we look?' wall with agents since the 1970s.
So far only three people have commented here. If any of you that I have reviewed feel that I have been to harsh, or want more concrete suggestions by all means post or PM me.

[stingerhs]

thanks for the comments, machievelli. and, as a note, i haven't done much work on mine due to school, but if there's signifigant interest, i could try to devote some more time to it.

[The Doctor]

Could you take a look at my "clips"? They're only parts of the stroy (which, btw, is well under way), but I'm still looking for feedback. The thread is called "KotOR 0.5". No, that is not what the story is going to be called. I haven't decided on a title yet.

[machievelli]

DOc, I am working from the bottom to the top on critiques, but if you want a PM critique (I pull my punches not at all in them) I'd be glad to.

[RC-1162]

the hunt for the sith is finished so can u post a review on that?

[machievelli]

The reason I started at the bottom was that those were the older stories, maybe languishing because of lack of interest, or the first attempts by some kid who then was too embarrassed to go on. The only site I am reviewing where this is not the case is the kotorfanmedia site. There the staff have them in alphabetical order by author name.
Rc, I will read it, and if you like, will send you a copy of the critique I will publish. However, I will not post them out of sequence.

[RC-1162]

right, have it ur way.

[machievelli]

An Empire to Crumble;
Sithums

Set in the post Kotor universe with a dark ending. Darth Revan and his apprentice Bastila go after the survivors of the fleet battle.

Well written, needing only some tweaking to make it excellent.

Angels of Destruction
RaV
As the Sith war continues, A new enemy, arises.

The only problem with the work is that Rav is trying to move the story along too fast, and ignoring important points. Lots of action, but without a better idea of what and why for the reader, it will drag. On the technical side one of the readers of the site who has already been reviewed has pointed them out, so I will elaborate;
A ‘klick’ is a kilometer, .64 miles for you fellow Americans out there. Unless a transmitter has a range of 11 billion kilometers, it won’t even reach a light year’s distance to call for help. When you consider that Proxima Centauri, the closest star to us is 4.3 light years (47.3 billion klicks) you see the problem.
So far in the series, I have yet to see anyone communicate with a ship in hyperspace. If this is incorrect, please tell me. I have always envisioned being in hyper as digging a hole and pulling the dirt back in after you. Until you dig out again, you are totally separate.


STAR WARS KOTOR: RETURN OF THE SITH
John Skywalker

Set 5 years after the events of KOTOR2,
The Republic rebuilds, but evil is already there in unexpected places...
The story is well written needing more than anything else, a good editor.
Like a lot of the younger ones here, John doesn’t use his grammar checker often enough.
Don’t take this as a nasty dig, kids! My first ever story, written in 1964 at age 11 was written in long hand on the back of what I had available, which was old discarded computer punch cards.
I am eternally grateful that I didn’t post it here. None of you would even speak to me again if I had.

From the Galactic Senate;


Star Wars: Dark Shadows, When the shadows emerge...
Jors_Dedon

Set in the period before SW1. A young Jedi is set on a course to confrontation with Darth Maul.
The writing style is a bit slow, but I think it is because the writer is feeling the way, unsure what might upset the reader. All in all worth looking at.

A New Era, A fanfic taking place during the NJO...
vyndim
A brief interlude for business during the world of the new Jedi Order

Vyndim only wrote two posts, and the story is not well developed yet. I am withholding my comments in case he writes more.

Star Wars: The Assassin Project,
Obi Wan

Six months after the battle of Genosis, yet another enemy joins the Confederacy

While Obi-wan only made two posting, he gave enough that I would really like to see more. The main problems he has are the same that every young writer has, talking (Mentally) faster than his fingers can keep up.


From kotorfanmedia:
kotorfanmedia is redoing their site to gain some of their bandwidth back. Because of this, they have disabled the author’s list. This means that the system I had started with, running them alphabetically from the bottom will be held until they either put it back in or, more likely, do away with it. Therefore I have started with Light side Revan posts and again, gone back as far as possible in time so that you get the older posts first. After saying that...

Feedback
Intrepid

After the destruction of the Star Forge, Fiala as Revan is known decides that maybe the Jedi council thinks the galaxy would be better off without her.

I can’t praise this story enough. When a story ends, and Tolkien once said, it is only the beginning of the next, though we may not get to see it. How many of us have wondered about the aftermath of this war?

Protocols - an AtF Deleted Scene
Atheneprime

Revan and HK have a discussion about human mating practices. During Kotor1.

Atheneprime is one of the moderators/editors of kotorfanmedia, and struts her stuff excellently in this comic romp. The pacing is excellent, the commentary witty and HK talking of his ‘research’ when remembered in the deadpan style of his voice from the game will reduce you to tears of laughter. The readers on the site gave this 37 thumbs up and I agree wholeheartedly.

Foresight Prologue
Arrow

Set during interim between Kotor 1 and 2
As Revan and the Onasi family settle into ‘marital bliss’ old memories start to surface.

Well written, an excellent read.

[Sabretooth]

Wow, hey, thx for the comments man. Would you mind reviewing my other fanfic, Jaden Korr - Darth Qollous?

[machievelli]

I will look and as I said above to Doc and RC, will send you a copy of what the review will say.
If you want a down and dirty 'the spark-plug goes there' review, send me a PM, and I will.

[machievelli]

Sorry everyone, a busy day interfered.

From the Coruscant Entertainment center

A SHORT CLONE WARS TALE
John Skywalker

A brief vignette At the end of the Clone Wars

As I have said of others, he doesn’t know the military, but as I also said before, since his main character is a Jedi, that isn’t a big problem. Again, using the grammar and spell checker would help a great deal. However the pacing and basic story idea are excellent.


Nar Shadaa
Hallucination

A group of young toughs set out on the road to adventure during KOTOR II

An interesting story because while he starts out hesitant and full of grammar and spelling problems, he smoothes out and becomes very enjoyable. At fourteen his style is reminiscent of the young adult fiction written in the 50s.


The next story in line is my own. When I accepted this job, I told them I would not review my own stuff. It isn’t fair to the others, and it isn’t fair to me. So someone else will be reviewing this.
Maybe one of the people I reviewed would like to try? If so PM me.

Tales of the Republic Crisis
Vladimir Vlada

He’s only done the Star Wars style rolling into so far. I want more before I decide.

From the Coruscant Theater

Yoda Has A Bad Day, A day where everything goes wrong...
Clara

The title says it all. Set when Obi Wan Kenobi was still a teenager.

Clara had a lot of fun putting this together. Think of your worst day, then call yourself Yoda instead. The only problem I had with it was she didn’t come back and do more than one brief chapter.

Star Wars: The Betrayal On Risiang 5
Darth Vegas

Jedi go after a Hutt crimelord. Set in the republic era.

The pace tends to be jumpy, and needs some work. The story needs editing more than anything else.

Wraith Squadron, A New Beginning
Jors Dedon

Set following the book Wraith Squadron

A new pilot assigned to Wraith Squadron has problems to deal with.

Usually I read just one maybe two posts by a writer for a review. In that space you get an idea of their abilities, and the story line.
Not this kid.
Jors Dedon deserves some serious attention. While he has the same problems a lot of young writers has, his style is crisp clean, and he knows enough about a fighter pilot’s mentality and squadron politics that he carries the story well.


from kotorfanmedia

Future’s End
Rose07
Katrina as Revan is called in this one struggles with who she was and who she is Set in the aftermath of the Star Forge’s destruction.

An excellent read. Rose takes the cardboard characters created by the game and makes them human for us.

I’ve Come For You
Arrowmaker

Carth faces up to Saul in his revenge, but Saul returns a bitter fruit.

Based on the segment aboard the Leviathan, Arrowmaker has interwoven the lyrics of the song ‘The end Has come” into the bitter battle. I have never heard it, but the lyrics work perfectly. Excellent.

Shadows of the Past
Cracker Jack
Set in the aftermath of the Star Forge mission, Revan is hounded not only by righteous indignation, but by others from her past as well.

Short well written chapters. CJ draws you in very well.

[Alkonium]

What? You didn't review my story yet?!

[Vladimir-Vlada]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Tales of the Republic Crisis
Vladimir Vlada

He’s only done the Star Wars style rolling into so far. I want more before I decide.

I apologise for that, I will try to finish it as fast as I can.

[Hallucination]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Nar Shadaa
Hallucination

A group of young toughs set out on the road to adventure during KOTOR II

An interesting story because while he starts out hesitant and full of grammar and spelling problems, he smoothes out and becomes very enjoyable. At fourteen his style is reminiscent of the young adult fiction written in the 50s.

Thanks, and my style is probably like that because I read a lot old sci-fi. to bad that I lost where I was going in the story.

[machievelli]

To Vlada, don't worry! I'm waiting for more.
To Alkonium, I promise I will get to it. I started at the bottom so that I was going by older works.
Hallucination, I have on my computer right now forty odd stories that have gotten about as far as you have gotten. When "m stymied with something else, I go back to them, and sometimes they start up again. If you really need suggestions for where to take it PM me and I might be able to jump start it again.

[Hallucination]

Thanks for the offer, but I'm really busy in school right now.
P.S. You said that my writing style is reminiscent of young adult fiction written in the 50s. Is that good or is it "My lord space air is leaking into the rocket! Get you goggles on or else the air will turn you into zombies from the 4th dimension" (bad)?

[JediKnight707]

Shoot, I had hoped that you would review my story. Oh, well. Your pretty busy. Keep it up.

[machievelli]

I may be a bit slow on updating for the next couple of weeks. Our car was stolen this morning before 2AM and we're going to be frantic trying to come up with the cash for a new one...

From Lucasforum: From the Coruscant Entertainment center


The Star Map
Kookaburra

Before KOTOR1, Revan and Malak find the first Star Map and begin the Saga.

Kookaburra has some very good stuff here, but needs to go back to edit it. He makes some mistakes, but they are all in the neophyte category, things every writer does wrong when they start.
As someone who has an excellent memory, I know some things are out of sequence. He has the characters reacting to the Mandalore war before the Jedi are even asked to assist and even before the war has begun. He has Revan leading off the Jedi warriors at least five years too early.
Yet he makes up for it by creating a panorama of the Mandalore wars that bears further examination.

The Hunt for the Sith
RC1162
Set three months after Invisible hope by Sabretooth. A strike team penetrates an enemy facility but finds more than they bargained for...

Well written, the piece is compelling in it’s blunt appraisal of small unit combat.

The following piece was passed over because I was thinking Star Wars, and it isn’t. Sorry kid, here’s the review you deserve...

Mystery of Twilight Forest
Renegade Angel

For a start RA, it isn’t bad. It’s a typical ‘kids in trouble’ story, and every aspect of what they must do appears to have been covered and well. You do have problems with spelling (Sheathed was spelled right, but shewed is spelled shooed) you also have problems with homonyms (Words that sound the same but are spelled differently).
The only point where I moaned about the piece was when you had the character polishing a sword with a wet leaf. You never touch the blade with your bare fingers, and never never never use anything to wipe it that isn’t dry.

From the Galactic Senate: Coruscant Theater

A different kind of bedtime story
Siri Ruane

A bedtime story for young Boba Fett set before Attack of the Clones

If you have ever read a bedtime story to an inquisitive child, you will recognize pacing. The story was intriguing itself, in that the child asked for reality, got it, and like most children in that position, refuses to believe it still. Very well done.

Dreams and nightmares
One with Many Names

After the rise of the New Republic, Luke Skywalker has a nightmare.

The writer had a good concept, but needs serious work on spelling, and grammar. The descriptive portions of the narrative were sometimes overdone, giving a movie feel to it.

Broken Hearts: The Death of Padme Amidala
Jacen Solo

While Jacen Solo has an excellent writing style it doesn’t cover up the fact that the premise for the story was hackneyed. The widow or betrayed dying of grief has been done and overdone.

From Kotorfanmedia

Fate and Redemption
CaraElle

Based on the KOTOR1 game.

The first few days of Carth and Halae (Revan) on Taris.

The writer made an abrupt departure from the game, replacing characters, and cut out a great deal of the by-play of the first hour or so of the game. The descriptions of Carth, the attitude of Halae in dealing with him, are well done.

Fool’s Gold
Jakia

Bridging the two games KOTOR1 and 2.

Sitting in a station, Carth is reminiscing about all the problems a person has loving a Jedi.

A short piece, it is pretty much the angst you would expect in this situation. I will have to find other work by the author to properly judge it. So I found;

Chapter One: Skewed Perceptions

Set in the KOTOR2 world.
A pair of fraternal twin exiles (male dark and female light side) awake to discover that they have just missed being sold to the exchange.

The writer has a clean style and smooth delivery. The story is intriguing to me. However the story of opposing twins has been done and overdone.

Trapped
wingedrevan

Set after the events of KOTOR1. Revan deals with her love of Bastila, and her acts as the Dark Lord.

A well written piece with an excellent view of the angst of the character.

[RC-1162]

great work Mach, and im sorry for you about your car.

[JediKnight707]

Yea, sorry about your car (and good work). Well, shoot I was hoping mine would get reviewed, but oh well. Keep it up

[machievelli]

To sabretooth, once i am done with the KOTOR line I will begin on the other games. When I do, I will post here and there under the same byline
Jedi Knight 707. I will get there, I promise.

[JediKnight707]

I'm not complaining, I like your reviews

[Sabretooth]

Cool, sorry about your car, though. Oh, and there are no fanfic forums other than this and the one at JediKnight's, as far as I know. Oh, and the one at JK is real dull, hardly anyone passes by. And... how about somebody sticky this?

[JediKnight707]

Thats what I was thinking, somebody should stickitize this thread.

[Hallucination]

The mods don't think we're cool enough for a sticky

[JediKnight707]

Those bastards cool people
>_>
<_<

[machievelli]

People, this only started a month ago, right? When I was accepteded, Darth told me it would be posted on Star Wars Knights, and it has. I know I post it. Maybe they will do a sticky for the other segments of the forums, but I'm not worried or offended.

[RC-1162]

ah, when do the mods ever think were cool enough??

[Hallucination]

^When we bribe them

[machievelli]

From Lucasforum: From the Coruscant Entertainment center

A Jedi's Promise
Fuu

Based on events before KOTOR

A young Jedi carries out her promise to the man she loves, Revan...

Well done, with some interesting quirks that keeps you interested. Keep writing it, kid!

A Jedi's Sacrifice
Obi Web
After the events set out in KOTOR, Gando Star (Revan) must decide what to do with his life.

Well written, but at the same time unsatisfying. Obi needs to do a bit more before I can really judge his work

Kotor 0.5
By the Doctor
Set before the events in Kotor 1; Highlighting the characters of the game, A glimpse into the byplay that led to Revan’s departure from Dantooine.

Well written needing only editing to smooth it out.


From the Galactic Senate: Coruscant Theater

A Clone Wars Story: FLAWS
sidious618

Set not long after the battle of Geonosis. A Jedi is assigned to monitor Padawan that must be made ready for promotion at the same time that the Sith plan to kill them.

The style is abrupt, and like most young writers, sidious618 doesn’t understand the paragraph and conversation breaks yet. However it looks good and is worth reading.

The Last Apprentice
Zane Marit

Set before Star Wars III, Anakin is assigned an apprentice and goes on an important mission

The style is confused because the author tends to a shift from the past to present mode. The writing is interesting and the story line excellent.

Star Wars: Destiny, AU Clone War
Obi Wan

An alternate universe story set 15 Months after The Battle Of Geonosis.

All right, it’s alternate universe, but having Anakin and Obi Wan A: Hating each other and B:, at odds with who gets Padme is a bit much for even me. Just the one chapter.


From Kotorfanmedia

The Solo Journals
Brenna Solo

Revan (Brenna Solo) plots to coerce the Jedi Council so she can keep the man she loves.

The style is fun and irreverent. Worth a second look.

From the Ashes
Prisoner 24601

Starting 72 hours before the KOTOR game.

The style is crisp and clean, and the small amount of background (Giving Carth a rank for example) helped a great deal.


Slow Dissolve
Rose 07
Set before Kotor II. Admiral Carth Onasi deals with attacks by Sith and insurgency on Telos.

An interesting style done more through introspection by Carth than anything else in the first chapter.

[JediKnight707]

So close!!!! I hope that you review on mine is gonna be lengthy I'm just kidding, good review

[stingerhs]

Originally Posted by RC 1162

ah, when do the mods ever think were cool enough??

you guys are complaining!?! may God have mercy on your ungrateful souls....

thread stickied.

[machievelli]

Great! Now I'm a post-it note!!!

[Alkonium]

so, you going to review mine soon?

[Vladimir-Vlada]

go away 1

O.O Whoever voted this really doesn't know how to appreaciate someones effort.