The Critic's 2 cents

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Memories Do Help
Jedimaster12

After KOTOR but no specific time given. In a dire situation, Revan fall back on memory to help her.

The style is excellent, the scenes clearly described. All in all some of JM12s best work.

Darkness over Coruscant: Travels of Kavar Part Two
Jabba da Butt

Sequel to Never Trust a Hutt set three years later; The Sith infiltrate Coruscant.

The style is much better than the previous work. The style is more smooth and polished.

My only hang-up is technical. I know if a plane landed at say LAX and the passengers and crew scattered suddenly, Homeland Security would be alarmed. Alerts would be tightened, and within say three hours every airport would be ringed with whatever troops were available. Yet there appears to me no additional alert shown here except for the Jedi themselves.

Vengeance of the Dark Lord
Jason Skywalker

A Dark side Revan faces the one who attempted to usurp him, Bastila.

The style is a bit choppy Jason, but all in all good work.


The Jedi Archives


Revenge of the Exile
Pottsie

At the end of KOTOR II: A newly Fallen Exile now plans his revenge.

The style is excellent, the dialogue exactly what you would expect from the characters in the game. Very well done.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Keeping the Peace
Jedi Ninja

After the fall of the Empire, no specific timeline given: A Jedi teaches a lesson by doing nothing.

The style is smooth and easy, the characters clearly delineated, the story excellent.

The biggest problem I have always had with people being taught to use the force is basically human nature. The old saw about power corrupting comes to mind. You see it here with a student ready to take on the world, and her companion who doesn’t see a reason to take it on just yet. It teaches a lesson without becoming pedantic, and without insulting the student as well.

Xanatos's Apprentice

ForceFlow

Before The Phantom Menace; Qui-gon and Obi Wan find a Sith captive.

The style is abrupt and a bit choppy. The author needs to remember conversation breaks and punctuation.

On a technical note, I was wondering about one of the author’s creations, a control (Called controlment) crystal. If such things did exist, it is unlikely that it would be used in the manner suggested, but still feasible.

Another note is that when Maul showed up, everyone was shocked. The Sith were supposed to have died out or been destroyed. So why are both Qui-gon and Obi Wan surprised by his appearance later?

The follow on piece
Redemption was too short to really judge, though the writer (Now 14 I think) has discovered conversation breaks, but still has punctuation problems.

Return to Mustafar
Jedi Ninja

Seven years before ANH: Obi Wan and Vader fight.

The style is good, though a bit abrupt. The fight between Vader and Kenobi is well done and doesn’t get into too much style and form as some people tend to do. The rescue of Vader by the young Boba Fett (Now in his early twenties) is pure Fett as seen in both Phantom Menace and Return of the Jedi.

kotorfanmedia

The Light Side female Revan section I have been mining is still down so I still working in the light side female exile section. Not that I am complaining. Some of this stuff has been excellent!

Reality push
LadyXianghua

Before KOTOR II: The Exile is being hunted on Tatooine.

The style is good, though the grammar and word placement seems a bit odd to me. The character is well defined, yet as one of those that commented pointed out, no real description is given of her.

The period before the second game is a fertile place to do work, because there is no real mention of what she did for those first five years. I wish I had the time to read the entire work if this is but an example.

Pazaak
Foxfire

After KOTOR II: Atton plays Pazaak at a distance with the Exile.

The style is excellent, the only problem with the piece was it was too damn short, and in the comment section I am not the only one to say so!

27 people gave this a thumbs up, and if you read it, you’ll see why.

Discipline
Icey cold

Time period not set, though probably during KOTOR I: The disciple and Exile talk about the inner workings of the Order.

The style is good, the byplay excellent.

It is not often that people looked under the surface of the order itself, and little has been done on the interim between the Mandalorian wars and the Exile’s return. This work is definitely worth the read.

[JediMaster12]

Thanks for the review mach. I have Jae Onasi to thank for being my beta twice over. I enjoyed writing that piece too.

[Diego Varen]

Thanks for the review mach. One of my best. Thanks.

[Jason Skywalker]

Thanks for the review Mach, although, i did put VOTDL, SCHL and ATOF on the Jedi Archives.

[Diego Varen]

Does it matter where mach decides to review Fics? Before the Archives were around, all of my reviews were reviewed in the CEC.

[Sith at Peace]

Wow, haven't been on for ever. Thanks for the review, I was gonna write more, but I got the worst case of writer's block ever. Thanks.

[Quanon]

Do you also review ART ??
Just curious ...

Or does there have to be actual text next to the drawings ?

[Diego Varen]

Originally Posted by Quanon

Do you also review ART ??
Just curious ...

Or does there have to be actual text next to the drawings ?

I believe mach only reviews Fics. But I could be wrong...

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Quanon

Do you also review ART ??
Just curious ...

Or does there have to be actual text next to the drawings ?

Kiddo, what I know about art can be written on the inside of a matchbook with a heavy felt marker.

I do not feel qualified to have an opinions beyond simple like and dislike.

However I am in the market fro some artwork if it isn't too expensive. I need covers for my books.

[Jae Onasi]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Kiddo, what I know about art can be written on the inside of a matchbook with a heavy felt marker.

Don't feel bad--you have me beat. I have all the art capacity of a dead amoeba.

[Quanon]

Ow , well yeah its a bit different ofcourse .You can discuss taste's , but its the same for books and text's . And I think if you consider age and all , which I'm sure you do for the FIC's . With drawings , digital or handmade ... weird seems like something that's is completly ( spelling !!!) visual is hard to give comment.

But I see youre point , giving constructive critisem is hard .
I just wandered if this was already done or could be done in a same sort of thread . Don't now if any body on the forums has some art background , who could do this , if he/she wants it . Then not to many post art-work .

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi

Don't feel bad--you have me beat. I have all the art capacity of a dead amoeba.

What level would you assign to someone who looked at Picasso's 'Nude Descending a Staircase' and said it looked like 'an overlay of time lapsed photography, and I think she is really dressed'?

Originally Posted by Quanon

But I see youre point, giving constructive critisem is hard.
I just wandered if this was already done or could be done in a same sort of thread . Don't now if any body on the forums has some art background , who could do this , if he/she wants it . Then not to many post art-work .

What you could do is ask Darth333 to advertize for an art critic. That's how I got this job.

[Emperor Devon]

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi

Don't feel bad--you have me beat. I have all the art capacity of a dead amoeba.

*Devon points and jeers at Jae*

[Diego Varen]

Perhaps I could be a Critic for Art...

[JediMaster12]

Even dead amoebas can create art. If I can create a fossil hyolitha to wear then I am sure Jae has sufficient art capacity.
Seriously art is not difficult to critique if you have what is called the elements, certain points that artist and critics use as a guideline to assess and create art. It also requires thinking criticially though I'm not sure if Jae's nemisis can do that. Anyway if anyone is serious about having art critique, do as mach suggests and appeal to the Super Mod. It doesn't hurt to ask.

[Emperor Devon]

Originally Posted by JediMaster12

It also requires thinking criticially though I'm not sure if Jae's nemisis can do that.

Actually, drawing is my third favorite hobby. I've considered it one since before I could spell my name. Shows what you know of me.

Not to say I'm thinking of asking for the position, though.

@Potts, if you want to be a critic for art, you should first know that it's not supposed to be capitalized.

[Diego Varen]

Originally Posted by Emperor Devon

@Potts, if you want to be a critic for art, you should first know that it's not supposed to be capitalized.

, I'm not the best expert for criticing art. But yeah, perhaps Darth333 could advertise, like mach said. Also Emperor D, why don't you post some art if you've got some?

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by JediMaster12

Even dead amoebas can create art.

Then my rating is even lower. I have written 3 fairy-in the-real-world books this year and three full sword and sorcery fantasy books, but every time I try to create a cover it isn't worth the pixels I used to create it!

[Jae Onasi]

Originally Posted by machievelli

What level would you assign to someone who looked at Picasso's 'Nude Descending a Staircase' and said it looked like 'an overlay of time lapsed photography, and I think she is really dressed'?

If you're talking about someone posting an image like that....
This one's real simple if you're talking about someone posting it in this forum--if it looks nude or pornographic, it'll get nuked--it has to comply with fanart rules and forum rules and I'm not going to play semantics with the regs. There is no leeway on that rule. Someone posting such will get at least a warning if not banned.

Now if you're talking about someone making that critique, it would redline my crap detector, and I'd probably ask them where they got the good drugs. But then again, I'm the practical one of the family and tend to look at things for what they are.

[Quanon]

Well , Picasso is ok and I know the painting , but I'm not talking about the big ART , just what fan's make .
I think their a lot of people on this forum who like to draw stuff about star wars , but are just to shy to show it , I'm sure they could get better at it in time .
But to improve some-one has to show where you go wrong , our what to base youre style on .

And reading throw this thread I can see by MAch reviewing things and giving comments , writers of FAN fics can improve them selves .
I just thought it might work , but then again their need be lots of art/ drawings be made . And it takes time and practise to . ( Easy for me to say , already followed six years of art school and now in games-design )

[Jae Onasi]

Originally Posted by Quanon

Well , Picasso is ok and I know the painting , but I'm not talking about the big ART , just what fan's make .
I think their a lot of people on this forum who like to draw stuff about star wars , but are just to shy to show it , I'm sure they could get better at it in time .
But to improve some-one has to show where you go wrong , our what to base youre style on .

And reading throw this thread I can see by MAch reviewing things and giving comments , writers of FAN fics can improve them selves .
I just thought it might work , but then again their need be lots of art/ drawings be made . And it takes time and practise to . ( Easy for me to say , already followed six years of art school and now in games-design )

Oh, I'm not saying don't have art--I love seeing it here. And a good constructive critique is always helpful no matter what the medium. It's just the only thing I would feel comfortable critiquing are scrapbook pages and stick people. I can draw a mean stick person, complete with 3 hairs sticking straight up out of the top of his head.

[JediMaster12]

Three hairs? I used to be able to put four and it looked like a box top.

[Quanon]

You don't need to be an artist to give critique on art . Most people can see if a picture doesn't has perspective or it's not all in one style , or its just doesn't make sense what pose a character takes .( you can't bend your knee up with a smile on your face ) . Same goes for text and books , you don't be writer to tell if the story is messy and confusing .

Ofcourse for certain things like how to make a story reach , exciting. And to be a bit more believable you want some-one with a background in that area . I now some people never want to take comment .
It would be just cool if some could point me the way ... but then again I think there's to little fan art posted here , the guy would fall a sleep or lose interest.

And most of all a DEEP knowledge of the star wars universe , like a jedi

[Torthane]

There is actually quite alot of art here now. I have two pieces I posted and an illustrated fic that has two more in it already and will likely end up with dozens. My stuff is just a small fraction of what is out there though. Just yesterday a new meber posted a bunch of really great art that makes my stuff look like bantha poo-do. Just in the time I have been here (just over half a year) the amount of art has tripled at least. I personally think it would be great if we had an art critic, but it's totally up to you guys; I don't have the credentials to criticise other people's work myself.

[machievelli]

Jae, I made that comment when I was nineteen years old at the New York Metropolitan art museum to a girl who asked me what I thought. Of course she didn't talk to me again.

Of course every woman that has known me for a while can tell you that when it comes to women flirting, I'm even more dense.

[TSR]

@ mach- Is it a case of "nice legs! how much?"

@Torthane- There is a heck of a load of art on these boards, and its all amazing. I cant believe i've been so ignorant of this place for the past year

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

War and Love

LordRevan123

After KOTOR II: Revan and the Exile return to Telos


The style is a bit hurried. You are forgetting conversation breaks (New paragraph) editing (Word usage) and the work needs polishing. Other than that it isn’t so bad.

Trooper
Ambrose

The start of the Mandalorian wars from the view in the trenches.

The style is a bit on the young side, but most of the authors are, here. The storyline is interesting, since few have considered the common grunts in the stories. The Jedi, and later the Clones get most of it. I agree with most of the others; write more.

One minor problem: Tatooine according to all of the stories was first owned by several corporations over the centuries, (KOTOR I for example) and during the time of the Phantom Menace was owned by the Hutt. As far as I know it was not a member planet.

Star Wars the rise of Darth Plagius
Darth Grivis


Prior to The Phantom Menace: In an alternate universe, another dark lord begins his conquest.

First, you need to break the work into paragraphs. It was a lot more than two. Second, you were rushing the story. Slow it down, smooth it out. It should flow like a river, not hit people like a landslide.

I thought it interesting that your villain thought he could pull off the same trick as Sidious. Without the political wrangling, he would have failed. Second, Yoda said in Phantom Menace ‘Always two and no more’, suggesting that the Academy you have created would not have existed. That is a minor flaw, however.

The Jedi Archives


The Adventures of Jolee Bindo
Jae Onasi

In the interim between KOTOR I and II. An Apprentice gets an unlikely master.

Jae had sent this to me, asking me to proofread it and offer corrections. Sadly the copy I sent to her disappeared, and will have to be redone, but i can say it all in one sentence.

You don’t need advice. Just keep writing.

I think it is interesting that this is the first mention that an apprentice can refuse to accept a teacher as master. Though the idea makes sense. Like a lot of the kids I have read in my year of critiquing, I want to go back and read it all.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Whisper
Tyjinn Miirrlanai

As Vader dies: What if the force could talk?

The only two complaints about this work are that the paragraphs tend to run on, and there’s not more of it! Excellent work!

The Truth That You Refuse
DarthAJ
Luke AU- Between the Thrawn Trilogy and JAT Chapter 1: Luke is held prisoner.

The style is good, the sense of foreboding fitting. It needs polish, but beyond that it works well.

The Corellian Connection
Fish1941

The sequel to Altered Lives. An Imperial Laison, a dark Jedi, hunts a Jedi on one of the Republic’s planets.

The style is good, and the story flows smoothly. Well worth the read. It would be best to read the first story before reading this one.

kotorfanmedia


The Light Side female Revan section I have been mining is still down so I am still in the light side female exile index.

Not that I am complaining...

Echo
Rhiannon

The Exile is torn by the revelations on Dantooine

The style is good, the angst well turned and served. One of the best I’ve read in a long time.

chapter one: kolto
ivory chopstick

At the start of KOTOR II

The style is rather abrupt, but I liked it. All I can really complain about is the length of the chapter. It’s too damn short!

After the Rescue
Witchzenka

A very short fan-fic set directly after the Trayus Academy.

The story is well defined, albeit short. The interplay between the exile and Atton well defined. 24 people gave this a thumbs up, and I agree with them.

[Jae Onasi]

Thank you, machievelli. I'm still tinkering with it for the submissions to KFM, and I'm revising chapters 18 and 19 at the moment. There's still a lot for me to learn.

I've always thought of the Master-Padawan relationship as somewhat of a 2-way street--they have to at least respect, if not like, each other to have that kind of close relationship. You can't depend on someone with your life if you don't trust them. However, I doubt many apprentices would ever refuse, and in some cases I could see the masters even overriding the very rare refusal because of something they divined in the Force.

And seeing as I celebrated the 11th anniversary of my 29th b-day yesterday, you just made my day calling me a kid.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi

And seeing as I celebrated the 11th anniversary of my 29th b-day yesterday, you just made my day calling me a kid.

I call anyone younger than me kid.

[CSI]

Originally Posted by machievelli

I call anyone younger than me kid.

"OK, Mach 2 Tachikoma, Codenamed "Machievelli", Chief Daisuke Aramaki ordered you to have a memory wipe." Batou said.

"Wait, what, a memory wipe? I don't think so!" Machievelli protested.

"Then we have no choice. Let's hack into him and give him a memory wipe, ok?" Major Motoko Kusanagi's voice.

"Nooooooo..." Then his opitic camera went blank. When the computer restarted, he saw Batou and Major Motoko, who asked amusedly, "Now can you remember how old are you?"

[Just for Fun, I watched almost all episodes in Ghost In the Shell: Stand Alone Complex I and II]

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by CSI: Nihilus

"OK, Mach 2 Tachikoma, Codenamed "Machievelli", Chief Daisuke Aramaki ordered you to have a memory wipe." Batou said.

"Wait, what, a memory wipe? I don't think so!" Machievelli protested.

"Then we have no choice. Let's hack into him and give him a memory wipe, ok?" Major Motoko Kusanagi's voice.

"Nooooooo..." Then his opitic camera went blank. When the computer restarted, he saw Batou and Major Motoko, who asked amusedly, "Now can you remember how old are you?"

[Just for Fun, I watched almost all episodes in Ghost In the Shell: Stand Alone Complex I and II]

Thanks, for the commentary. The A4 series droids I created for Republic dawn came to me after seeing the 14th episode of Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone first season.

And I'm 53, which is 23 years older than I ever expected to be.

[JediMaster12]

Nothing wrong with that mach. That just means you know something that us young whippersnappers don't. That's why I value your opinion along with Jae's concerning my fic in terms of critique.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by JediMaster12

Nothing wrong with that mach. That just means you know something that us young whippersnappers don't. That's why I value your opinion along with Jae's concerning my fic in terms of critique.

I tend to agree with Lazarus Long 'It's surprisng how much elderly thinking before replying is really just being tired'.

[Diego Varen]

Hey mach, since we're approaching the Christmas season, you could review a lot more Fics. Say five for each one, just for Christmas? Just kidding, but it would be nice. And I've appreciated your reviews over the year.

[JediMaster12]

What are you trying to do Pottsie? Give the man a heart attack? Give the ole guy a break. What he churns out comes on his own time.
Just for that I'll dangle my manuscript tantalizingly close to your reach. Then you will be even more tortured about my fic

Mach: keep up the pace you set. If you feel tired, take a nap. It always works

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Pottsie

Hey mach, since we're approaching the Christmas season, you could review a lot more Fics. Say five for each one, just for Christmas? Just kidding, but it would be nice. And I've appreciated your reviews over the year.

Maybe I might, Pottsie. But as that would be my Christmas present to all of you, what do I get in return?

Originally Posted by Jedmaster12

What are you trying to do Pottsie? Give the man a heart attack? Give the ole guy a break. What he churns out comes on his own time.
Just for that I'll dangle my manuscript tantalizingly close to your reach. Then you will be even more tortured about my fic

Mach: keep up the pace you set. If you feel tired, take a nap. It always works.

Since I can't get a publisher interested in my work, my wife is screaming that I have to give up writing and get a real job, and no agents have appeared, who needs sleep?

The Momerator just pruned a bunch of off-topic posts and would like to remind everyone to stay on topic. PMs work great for discussion of book purchases as this thread is about reviews. Thanks much, Jae.

[machievelli]

[machievelli]

Some people asked for me to expand this review for Christmas. If you want this, contact me via e-mail or PM, and I'll consider it.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Lone Free Mercenary
Pottsie

Ten Years after The Phantom Menace: A Banished Trandoshan finds friends among the mercenaries of Nar Shadaa

The style is hurried, and you’re having some problems with stilted dialogue, but nothing that editing and polishing won’t cure.

As much as people have lambasted you about not merely executing the main character at his murder trial, There have been such situations before. For those interested in history up until 1970 it was not murder to kill a black man in some Southern States. The penalty was only 15 years in Mississippi while killing a white person would get you the chair.

The Rise of Xanatos
Darth Grivis

In an Alternate Universe, Obi Wan and Qui Gon enroute to Naboo face another threat.

Spelling, grammar, and pacing all need work. First, you are hurrying the story, trying to keep a movie like pace, but leaving gaps that are needing to be filled. As I have told others before, your story does not have to take less than 2 hours to read, so you don‘t have the handicap Hollywood constantly deals with. Slow it down, take your time. Make sure the reader is comfortable.

Just for people like me, you could also mention if your work is Alternate Universe. That way someone doesn’t scream when they see someone die a bit early. No biggie, just a request.

Evidence

Mace MacLeod

Set after the fall of the Empire in an Alternate universe: A surveillance tape is examined.

All right, everything nasty that can be said has really been said by those that commented before me. I agree that the strings of numbers etc. are a bit long, but it lends verisimilitude.

The thing that bothered me was the ‘drone armies’ capturing the Emperor, and his being freed ‘by the Jedi’. Interesting universe you're creating here...


The Jedi Archives


Master's Night Out
JasraLantril

No specific time given: What do master’s do when their students are working hard?

First, JasraLantril is up to the same level as always. I’m waiting for a reason to complain.

I started into this, and immediately began to chuckle. The scenes are well done, and reminiscent of the writing of Terry Pratchett, who used at least part of one scene in ‘Guards Guards’. The interplay between the masters is what you expect from old friends commiserating about their dunderhead students. Well worth a read, but too damn short.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Last Days on the Tigris
Konig15

An AU Obi-Wan Kenobi Origin Story

The style is good, and since we’re dealing with juveniles, the language can slide. The scenes are laid out in a workmanlike manners, and it flows relatively well. Just editing and polishing is really needed.

All right, tech complaints. The terms Janissary, Hospitalar and Templar are linked to a specific belief system, and the term ‘Christian Love’ would tell anyone which one. The problem is, like Halloween and Christmas, they are most definitely linked to one specific planet, which is not part of the Mythos of Star Wars by definition.

A Slippery Road of Good Intentions
nefertiti

Set not long after The Empire Strikes Back: A woman wakes in the hospital and finds that she has been ‘enhanced’.

There are some problems with grammar spelling, and punctuation, but nothing that can’t be corrected by editing and polishing. The style flows smoothly, and the description is crisp and well done.

The Star War universe had always been more laid back about the idea of cyborgs than most of modern science fiction. The shock would be bad if it were you, I admit, and the character’s reactions are perfect.

RotS - Missing scenes *short story*
92SE-r

A series of missing scenes

The style is good, the area being filled in while it is not necessary, does add to the content of the canon. Well done.

kotorfanmedia

From the the light side female exile index.

Beginning of an Exile
skypilot

Commentary on the Exile when she was still a student.

The style is good, though you do have a few minor problems with spelling and grammar. Nothing a little polishing won’t fix.

Technical note: Why is forming force bonds rapidly automatically a Sith technique? Especially if it is something natural to the person? There were comments about it in the Sith Lords, but nothing that suggested that it was automatically evil.

Murder
Luna
Sith Lords: Atton’s death from the Exile’s view.

A little stilted, but all in all excellent! 25 readers gave this a thumbs up. Worth every one of them.

Interludes: Dxun
Wook

A little acrimony and reminiscence on Dxun.

The style is a bit abrupt, but all in all a good piece. Fifteen readers gave it a thumbs up. The extra information of Mandalore’s past is always a good addition, and remembering Mira as a child (Though we only assume it from her actions then) was choice. A note I forgot to make when I posted the review to Wook’s story, the idea that the Mandalorians are polygamous will work, it was just a surprise.

Minor Technical note: S’mores? Does chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallows even exist in that universe? Though I understood the reasoning behind the reference I know that the only other one I can toss off the top of my head (Hot Dogs) would have been just as glaring.

[Diego Varen]

Thanks for the review mach. I do agree that Lone Free Mercenary wasn't my best piece of work, since I do admit it was rushed. Thanks anyway mach.

[AmethystWolf]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Murder
Luna
Sith Lords: Atton’s death from the Exile’s view.

A little stilted, but all in all excellent! 25 readers gave this a thumbs up. Worth every one of them.

Good evening! Author here; I just stumbled across your comment in my email, and I wanted to say thank you for your thoughts. And thank you for your bit critique as well; if you had any other thoughts, I'd enjoy seeing them. You've made my day, sir.
(I'm assumimg you are a gentleman because of your chosen name, pardon me if I'm mistaken)