lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar
View Poll Results: have I been honest and not overly critical?
Keep it up! 127 78.40%
Maybe a little slack 17 10.49%
Tighten up the restrictions 10 6.17%
go away 15 9.26%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 162. You may not vote on this poll


Thread: The Critic's 2 cents
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 12-18-2006, 10:59 PM   #521
Tysyacha
One of Thousands
 
Tysyacha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Kirkwall/The Free Marches
Posts: 3,181
Current Game: Dragon Age II
Forum Veteran Roleplayer Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Dear machievelli,

Thank you for my review! I completely agree with your assessment, although
the intentional spelling errors were meant to satirize people who type about
100 "words" a minute and then forget to do a spell-check before they hit
"Post" or "Submit". As for the Russian word "chetvyortiy" in the story,
I don't have a transliteration program. Rather, I spell the Russian words
phonetically, like I'd pronounce them in English.

Again, thank you, and happy holidays!

Sincerely,
Tysyacha
Tysyacha is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-20-2006, 07:21 AM   #522
Quanon
Senior Member
 
Quanon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Lost in my own unconsiciousens
Posts: 2,599
Forum Veteran Veteran Modder Helpful! 
Do you only review finished story or do you really read every thread of the forum ? Just can't wait untill your reach mine , anywayz this is a treasure cave !

Please see the Why Haven't You Reviewed Me sticky for more info on how mach makes the selections for reviews. --Jae


TIQUILAAAAAAAA

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 12-20-2006 at 01:12 PM.
Quanon is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-21-2006, 12:42 AM   #523
Dark_Lady
Forumite
 
Dark_Lady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: We're on a need to know basis here...
Posts: 638
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Oh man, I got reviewed and didn't even notice! Sorry. And many thanks for the review.



There's a bit of the shadowy side in all of us.

Except those freakazoid Jedi nutcases.
Dark_Lady is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-22-2006, 12:41 PM   #524
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
First, Happy Yule to my fellow Pagans. Merry Christmas to the Christians, Happy Hanukkah to the Jews, Solemn Tet to the Buddhists Happy Boxing Day to Canadians

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Jedi Forces Part I - Shadows of War
Pottsie

A Jedi on a mission receives back up.

Some problems with wording and context in the first few paragraphs (Now all he had to do was wait until both him and his apprentice, Rosh Penin to arrive at Coruscant.) starts as past tense, then shifts in mid sentence to present. The story seems to me to be a bit forced at the start, but smoothes out before the end of the first chapter.

Episode 3.2 - Revenge of the Sith Revisited
SamR

Rewrite of the ROTS: Script format.

First, you don’t use expletives in the action portions of a script (After several clever moves) because a script is measured as approximately one page per minute, and every extra word slows that measure down. Be succinct.

As an example, I wrote a script called About Last Knight and my entire comment about an off scene battle (Duration about fifteen seconds) was ‘shouting and screaming. As the camera pans to cover the scene the hero is standing in front of a pile of severed parts too large to be the three men he was facing’.

Jedi Knight: Stories Of Leon
Ali Gelmar

Jaden Korr takes her own apprenctice on a mission.

All right, the work is lacking proper punctuation. There are sentences that don’t read correctly at first glance, and I had to go back and reread to see why.

The rest of the Critique is technical, and it has to do with proper military protocol and operational communications. First, as much as the name sounds good, you don’t have time in combat to use an entire squadron name in every communication. As an example in the Rogue Squadron series the pilots went by numbers and merely call themselves rogue. So Wedge Antilles was Rogue leader, or Rogue one. Second, most combat communications protocols do not connect the sides, so having the bad guy threaten you over your own frequency is not done. If they can listen into your coms, you can listen into theirs. In the midst of a free flowing furball like any dogfight you don’t have time for witty repartee.

Last no Squadron Captain is going to talk to an admiral like you have yours doing. Note that in the Return of the Jedi, Lando is a General, and speaking to an admiral in that manner made sense. But you didn’t see Wedge lambasting him.

The Call To Vengence
darthvixen 06

A Jedi Master plots his revenge

The main thing I see wrong is no conversation breaks. What I would suggest is first editing this section, then adding to it. The scene is flowing too rapidly, and is a bit confusing.

As for the time between joining and posting, how do you expect the kid to just let it flow? It might have taken that long to even take the chance and you guys are jumping down the poor kid’s throat.

Bad readers. Coal in your stockings.

The Legend Of Darth Severence
Jackisonfire


78 years after ROTJ: Two Dark Jedi attack the temple.

The piece is really to short to call, but there is one glaring problem. It is being shoved forward too rapidly to really enjoy.

Since according to canon Luke was 22 at the time of the original Star Wars, it means Luke would be about 100 years old about now. What are the odds (What with the Imperial Rump the Yuuzan Vong and the Killicks) that he would have lived that long?


The Jedi Archives


The Young Jedi Exile
Pottsie

A look at the exile age 15

First, your prologue is confusing. You start with the end of TSL, but then take a sharo turn and say ‘but let’s look fifteen odd years earlier’ when that has as far as I can tell, little to do with the start.

Was cloning common 4,000 years earlier? It’s unlikely that A: the Jedi would allow it, and B: that someone could even afford it. Right now on this planet there are maybe 200 people rich enough to foot the bill for something this complex.

A Box of Lies
JediMaster12

The exile is upset with Atton being himself.

The piece was a bit confusing with it’s flashbacks, but it flowed well, and kept you reading so it works well.

The Early Path of Jaden
Darth Grivis


The story is abrupt and there is almost no action beyond the one fight scene,

I had not heard about the book which was mentioned, and was ready to lambaste you over it. My only real complaint is that Tatooine is the galactic equivalent of Jacksboro Texas where I was born, which was nothing more than a wide spot in the road in 1953. Why does everyone end up there?

Freefall
igyman

Set in the alternate universe of The True Teachings: A young Sith fights against her fate.

The scenes were well done, the story adequate to it’s own needs. The ending was exquisite.

Virgin Sands
Ambrose

A brief romantic vignette between the exile and Visas.

The scene is well laid out, the characters true to their natures. Very well done.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Consumed
Emalin

During TSL: Atton and the Disciple face off in one of the many cut scenes.

The constant driving himself to attack makes Atton look not only real, but a little deranged. Very well done.

Return of the Gizka
Emalin

A slightly comedic confrontation between Atton and the Gizka from hell.

The scene was well set up, and the denouement was totally surprising and at the same time funny. Again, well done.

Converging Fates

DarthSolo

An alternate version of TPM:

The scenes need fleshing out, the characterization needing fine tuning.

My main hang up is why everything sideslipped four years further along, yet nothing changed. The writer portrays Anakin at 13, by which time he had been a Jedi apprentice for four years, but still a slave on Dantooine, and the ‘Naboo Crisis’ has not yet occurred.

kotorfanmedia

The General Returns to War
ocelott

Set after TSL: The exile finally meets Revan again.

The scenes are well laid out, the story flows smoothly.

The self denigrating way Danna (Revan) speaks is instantly appealing. My favorite line is Revan’s ‘Go figure. You create an evil empire, kill a few million people, and you start to get a bad rep.”

Malak: Before the Downfall
sikon

A different view of the battle of Malachor:

The scenes are well laid out, and my only complaints are with characterization.

Revan comes off distant, and almost unattached. Malak is a whiny little person complaining that they won’t let him play, and Livia (Exile) comes off as a reincarnation of General Elphinstone. I enjoyed the characters though I couldn’t feel a lot of sympathy for them.

An Unwelcome Recollection
ocelott

During the interim between KOTOR and TSL: Revan deals with another part of her past.

The work is up to ocelott’s usual standards. The scene in the garden is perfect because Jolee is just himself, but that gives Revan what she needs, a willing ear and someone not too judgmental. All in all an excellent read.

The Last Good Thing
grimrabbit


Revan’s possible happiness with Carth hits a snag...

The writing is up to the usual quality, the scenes well laid out, the angst very well portrayed.

One thing, I caught all sorts of flak because I was told that Carth’s wife was Morgana. Maybe they were wrong.

Still good work.


What Dreams May Come
grimrabbit

Set in the interim before KOTOR: Revan’s descent

The writing is excellent, the flow well thought out. The only problem I had with the character of Revan has already been voiced in Family Chapter one. But seeing the character progress does explain a lot.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-22-2006, 12:49 PM   #525
igyman
Tension!
 
igyman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: White City
Posts: 3,409
Current Game: Trine Enchanted Edition (PC)
Forum Veteran Helpful! Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Wow. I mean... Wow!! See people, it pays off to listen to the advices mach gives in his reviews. Heck, when I asked him to do this review I had no idea I did that good of a job with Freefall. Woot for me! And, of course, thank you mach for taking the time (for the fifth time) to do a review for me.

igyman is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-22-2006, 12:50 PM   #526
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Thanks for the reviews mach. The Young Jedi Exile was supposed to be like the beginning of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. It starts off with the Exile young, before returning to the present when she is older.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-22-2006, 01:00 PM   #527
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
Thanks mach for the review. That was one of my more challenging pieces seeing as I was never truly satisfied with how Atton's nature was dealt with in the game by the female Exile. I decided to spread my wings and be a little creative. In so doing, I ended up playing around with dialogue from some of my favorite movies. Again thanks mach. Your critiquing always inspires me to do what I consider fun. Happy Holidays.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-22-2006, 02:13 PM   #528
ocelott
Lurker
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 3
Post

Wow! Thank you so much for the reviews! I wasn't expecting it at all, and then to be hit by two... thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed them.

Also, kudos for remembering Boxing Day.


"Never make promises in the dark. Always wait until dawn."
ocelott is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-22-2006, 02:36 PM   #529
Jae Onasi
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem
 
Jae Onasi's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 10,912
Current Game: Guild Wars 2, VtMB, TOR
Alderaan News Holopics contributor Helpful! LucasCast staff Veteran Fan Fic Author 
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
As for the time between joining and posting, how do you expect the kid to just let it flow? It might have taken that long to even take the chance and you guys are jumping down the poor kid’s throat.

Bad readers. Coal in your stockings.
I agree with mach--it's the kind of negative criticism that we should not be offering and was entirely unnecessary. If I hadn't been in Memphis that week for an out-of-town meeting, I would have caught it and dealt with it appropriately.


From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!
Love Star Trek AND gaming? Check out Lotus Fleet.

Jae Onasi is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-22-2006, 10:21 PM   #530
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
Thanks for the review Mach, The book that is mentioned is in this Book

and in this parogragh on Wookiepedia:

Returning to Tatooine, Luke spent much time at the old residence of Obi-Wan Kenobi, where he constructed a new green lightsaber with the help of a journal prepared by Kenobi, based on the design of his old lightsaber.

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-22-2006, 10:32 PM   #531
Ambrose
Rookie
 
Ambrose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 154
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Machiavelli, thanks for the review! I'm glad you found my work well-done, though more's the pity in that you found nothing in it that was worth giving advice about. Thanks again, and know that your input on my works are always welcome!


My Fan Fics
Virgin Sands | Final Breath (Editor's Choice 2006)
Ambrose is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-23-2006, 12:28 AM   #532
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambrose
Machiavelli, thanks for the review! I'm glad you found my work well-done, though more's the pity in that you found nothing in it that was worth giving advice about. Thanks again, and know that your input on my works are always welcome!
I always have a stock of advice, I just usually don't dispense it here beyond the basics.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Grivis
Thanks for the review Mach, The book that is mentioned is in this Book

and in this parogragh on Wookiepedia:

Returning to Tatooine, Luke spent much time at the old residence of Obi-Wan Kenobi, where he constructed a new green lightsaber with the help of a journal prepared by Kenobi, based on the design of his old lightsaber.

My problem with it is that one of the founding principles is that constructing a lightsaber is complex, and requires the use of the force. If you have ever read the book Crystalsinger by McCaffery, they use crystals that require eidetic memory, perfect pitch, and a 'feel' for the tension of the setting supports for communications. If you happen to read my own work KOTOR Excerpts (Post 45), and go to the chapter 'lightsaber' you see that was the method I used.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by Jae Onasi; 12-23-2006 at 03:25 PM. Reason: combined double post
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-26-2006, 03:43 PM   #533
Emalin
I is YOUR DOOM
 
Emalin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Deep space
Posts: 169
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Post

I appreciate your reviews, machievelli, and the time you put into reading everyone's work. Thank you so much!




---KotOR 2 Fanfics---
Pawn Endgame | Return of the Gizka

Click here to visit my art thread
Emalin is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-29-2006, 10:31 AM   #534
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
My last week has not even remotely been fun. My computer hicoughed and went to an older image deleting the files necessary to access my older reviews, and kept me off the net until just a couple of days ago. The review will be up, just not immediately.

Sorry about that.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-29-2006, 10:32 AM   #535
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
My last week has not even remotely been fun. My computer hicoughed and went to an older image deleting the files necessary to access my older reviews, and kept me off the net until just a couple of days ago. The review will be up, just not immediately.

Sorry about that.
No problem mach. Sorry about your previous week and your computer.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-29-2006, 12:50 PM   #536
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
No problem mach. Sorry about your previous week and your computer.
The computer was just the icing on the cake, though it was the start. I see no reason to go into everything that went wrong. As a pagan, my holiday (21 Dec, Solstice) was not affected. But my wife, older step daughter Mother and Father in law, and the SD's boyfriend had theirs totally ruined by the younger step daughter and her boyfriend. As the quiet center of the hurricane, I caught most of the flak from all directions.

I finally finished downloading all of my previous critiques, which is necessary for assuring that I don't unintentionally overlap. At this rate the column will be up tonight or tomorrow. Again, sorry about that.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 12-29-2006 at 12:52 PM. Reason: additional data
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-30-2006, 03:39 AM   #537
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
29 December 2006

Lucasforums

Unveiled Hope
The Doctor

3000 years after the book series: What the world would be like without the Jedi.

An interesting slice of life work, unfinished as of yet. I’m waiting for more.

One reviewer commented that it seemed odd using poison set within a thermostat, actually, in the very first Dorsai stories, the Dorsai used nickel shavings dumped in the ground water to poison an enemy occupying force. All that is needed is a poison mixture that is volatile at the temperature you wish to use.

Shadow From The Past
DarthSion 101

40 Years after ROTS: General Grievous strikes again.

The story is trying to flow movie quick, and it doesn’t succeed. The basics are good, it just needs to be smoothed out and tweaked.

For a moment I thought I had read this before, but I was incorrect. The same theme on the Galactic Senate A Greivous Encounter (With no specific time given) had the good mechanical General tearing up a couple of unsuspecting Jedi.

KOTOR III: The True Sith Reckoning
Tysyacha and Machievelli

For obvious reasons, I cannot review this one. Any takers?

star wars return of the mandalorians
Big Daddy

Set after ROTJ: Boba Fett looks into some suspiscious circumstances

Your moving the story too fast, trying to draw the reader along, but instead it feels like I’m being dragged. Slow it down kid, spend some time creating the scene for the reader, especially those who may not know who you’re introducing.

Journeyman
HerbieZ

Set during KOTOR II: A resident of the Refugee sector takes a walk.

The piece is a bit bland, and you’re ‘make them the alien of your choice’ actually helps make it more bland. The character is lackluster and needs something for the reader to be interested.

The idea is good it just needs some work.


The Jedi Archives

star Wars:The Survivors of the Battle
Darth Grivis

At the end of the Mandalorian Wars: Revan begins on the dark path, and Canderous betrays Jagi.

The style is a little stilted, trying to cover too much action in too few words. It needs to be smoothed out to be really good.

The biggest problems I saw was the description in the game sounded more like a space battle to me, but that might merely be my own training. The other was that Canderous did not betray Jagi as you showed. Rather he took an opportunity that led to Jagi and his men being left to die. Your version suggests that Canderous did so intentionally.

Final Breath
Ambrose

An interesting rewrite of the fight in the Telos Temple in KOTOR II

The style is smooth and crisp, needing only polishing.

The problem I had with the scene as you portrayed it was the idea that Brianna attacked her sisters, which in the game she did not do. She defended herself. A minor problem after all.

Echoes of Darkness
Pottsie

Set after TSL: The Exile goes in Search of Revan.

The style needs some work, but the basics are good and already there.

I am going to have to comment on communicating into hyperspace. I have never seen anything in the canon that suggests it’s possible, and what I know about physics suggests it is not.

Czerka Public Relations
Jae Onasi

Set during or just previous to TSL: One-Way to get the truth out of a Corporate big wig.

Jae, thank you for brightening my week. A very fun little read.

kotorfanmedia

Insisto Part I
HeFe

Trapped in a damaged Ebon Hawk: The crew attempts to save themselves.

The piece tended to run every which way, which confused me a bit. The action needs to be smoothed out, but other than that, it was pretty good.

Fighting Spirit

Alexandra

As some armor is modified, Revan tells Carth of Deralia.

The piece is very well done, and the dialogue flows readily. Worth a read.

Because
Lilianjoy

Intertwined with a song, Revan deals with her feelings for Malak.

The story needs some polishing editing and rereading.

I was a bit confused. Was Revan in love with Malak? The way it is written I thought it might be the case until the ending scene.

The two Revans?
Tallboy Dave
A game player is sucked into the game with the expected results.

The style is reminiscent of the more modern take offs on the ‘Connecticut Yankee’ by Twain. The basic idea has been over done (Unidentified Flying Oddball by Disney, etc) but still a good way to play it.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-30-2006, 06:10 AM   #538
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Thanks for the review mach. If it is possible, once I've completed the remaining two parts of the saga, could you review all four of them together? Thanks. Looking foward to more reviews and I'm glad you managed to post the reviews.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-30-2006, 12:55 PM   #539
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
Thanks for the review mach. If it is possible, once I've completed the remaining two parts of the saga, could you review all four of them together? Thanks. Looking foward to more reviews and I'm glad you managed to post the reviews.

Let me know when it's done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-30-2006, 12:58 PM   #540
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Let me know when it's done.
I will. Thanks mach.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-05-2007, 11:16 AM   #541
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Lucasforums

Blood Band Brothers
Dark Lady

Alternate Universe; The crippled and reborn Vader fights alongside the Jedi against the Emperor.

The story works well, and flows smoothly. The action is spaced well enough that it isn’t confusing.

My biggest problem is technical. You have four different types of ship all called Star Destroyer. However ‘Frigate’ and Star Destroyer are two different classes. I have noticed this problem before, not only in Star Wars. In the Authorized Deep Space 9 tech manual half the ships are merely called ‘explorers’, which does not give them a type designation, especially when one is a Galaxy Class Vessel and another is the size of the Voyager Class ships. Read my post in the Expert Forum regarding class versus type.

Star Wars: CSI: Coruscant
CSI Nihilus

Second story in the series combing CSI and Star Wars :

The concept actually draws you along, even as you aren’t sure whether you like it or not. Like the first I was more interested in how you assigned duties than the basic story (Which begins as a retelling of an actual 1st season CSI episode).

My question is; Why is Visas the only one that gave a planet and race of origin? And Wasn’t Exar Kun from forty years earlier?

Knights of the Force - Episode I : Shadows of the Force
Jason Skywalker

A year after TSL: Two Jedi are sent on a mission on Coruscant.

All right, you have editing problems. I constantly say ‘reread and rewrite’ and the reason is sometimes your mind is flowing too fast, and the story doesn’t make it completely to your fingertips. There are places where words are left out (Middle of post eight ‘suddenly, lot of species’. Missing ‘a ‘ before lot). The story flows well except for those little hitches. You also need to work on your Characterization and descriptions. You throw out the name Kenobi, and wait over a paragraph to mention his first name, and all we know about the two Padawan is one if male, and the other female. No comments on home worlds, or even basic descriptions. You also list the council but then have someone that wasn’t named speaking (Shan).

The Rodianters-"loked in"
TSR

In the interim between ROTS and ANH: A team or Rodians go bounty hunting.

Remember conversation breaks. Otherwise the reader won’t know for sure who is talking. The style needs some polish and the pacing needs to be adjusted slightly. Other than that, pretty good.

The Jedi Archives


The Destruction of Telos
Anakin Skywalker

Before the beginning of KOTOR: The planet Telos is attacked

A few minor problems, all with the basic story rather than the work, which only needs polish.

First, you had Karath pretty much repeat what he said in KOTOR before they obliterated Taris. Considering the Sith, and Malak’s reaction there, it’s highly unlikely that he would have protested the same way. Second, I seriously doubt that Karath would have been trusted so completely when he turned his coat. Having him fly down, collect personal prisoners etc suggests that he had free run. Traitors are never trusted immediately.

Third, Telos was pretty much the first attack of the Jedi Civil War. It is not reasonable to assume you have time to bombard the planet, invade it, grab citizens and take the time to torture them all in the same day. From what I know of military ops, the landing by the Sith was probably to grab any intelligence they could use, assure that specific structures were destroyed, or targets that were considered valuable were destroyed etc. As an example Seal teams went in before the US attacked into Kuwait and Iraq during the Gulf War to spot enemy ships that might try to come out.

The Mandalorian Wars
Anakin Skywalker

Before the events of KOTOR: The search for the Star Forge begins on Dxun.

The story needs polishing, especially in your scene changes. Things go from place to place too fast.

All right, first, you gave two different names for Revan’s brother (Doshin in the prologue, and Valen later) Second, Carth would have been the equivalent of a first lieutenant when the Jedi entered the war. Most people do not pay attention to an officer of such a junior rank. If you had mentioned him as an aide to Karath, it would have worked better. Last, you are adding the numbers of Jedi as if they are plug and play in a military structure, and they are not. As I mentioned in another review the reason the Jedi were called ‘General’ is so that they could be plugged into an ongoing crisis, but they can’t all show up at the same place enmasse, and be thrown into battle leading troops that have never heard of them. Even the best new CO needs time to talk to his underlings.

Star Wars: Darth Yoda 2: The Dark Civil War
Darth Saruman

In an Alternate Universe: Two Dark lords, Yoda and Sidious battle it out for supremacy.

The wording is cumbersome and confusing. You use words that mean something else in the wrong place (Looking at a devise {to plan} instead of a device {A machine} that kind of thing) It needs to be reread, edited, and polished.

More important, the knowledge that Padme had children was and should be a secret. If you have read the Harry Potter series, you know that there was a reason Voldemort considered a child a legitimate target.

kotorfanmedia

Bitter Partings Chapter One
Rinter

After Revan went in search of the Traya Academy, Carth receives her last message.

The style is well done, the work could use some polish, but don’t let that stop you from reading it.

Light The Night With Fire

CyberCat

During the Mandaloran Wars: Revan and Malak enter the battle.

Some problems with word usage (Trough instead of truth. Calvery {The hill where Jesus was Crucified} instead of Cavalry) but the style works well enough. It needs editing and polishing. No biggie.

On a technical note, you have battles raging in three different systems, while a commander would have trouble managing just one on the tactical level.

Sacrifice
Ocelott

Aboard the Endar Spire: The thoughts of Trask during the last moments of his life.

The scene is well done, and the basics of dealing with someone who has had their memories erased well documented.

What I though was interesting was the idea that Trask was actually Revan’s brother. It makes his sacrifice more important.

What happens next?
Mara Jade Skywalker

After the confrontation on Malachor: An interlude between Atton and theExile

The scene flows well, and is amusing in it’s own way. The Exile not sure if she should kill him or kiss him at one point is a nice touch.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-05-2007, 12:28 PM   #542
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
No reviews for me, but congratulations to everyone reviewed. Looking foward to the reviews next week. Keep it up mach and will you keep reviewing more Fics, even though Christmas is over.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-05-2007, 01:21 PM   #543
ocelott
Lurker
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 3
Wow, another review! Thanks very much, machievelli. Glad you liked it; it's my personal favourite.


"Never make promises in the dark. Always wait until dawn."
ocelott is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-05-2007, 04:50 PM   #544
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocelott
Wow, another review! Thanks very much, machievelli. Glad you liked it; it's my personal favourite.
I have no favorites, as the ArchBishop in Lady Hawk said, 'It's my job'. I liked the work, but let's not get too flowery. After all, I have to do it again next week...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-05-2007, 05:05 PM   #545
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I knew there was something I forgot. Happy New Year, may the CEC be filled with many more great Fics and thanks to mach for all his hard work on all the reviews. I enjoy reading them. Just think, mach, you've nearly be reviewing here for two years.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-05-2007, 06:19 PM   #546
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pottsie
I knew there was something I forgot. Happy New Year, may the CEC be filled with many more great Fics and thanks to mach for all his hard work on all the reviews. I enjoy reading them. Just think, mach, you've nearly be reviewing here for two years.
Fourteen months. Let's be exact here...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-05-2007, 08:52 PM   #547
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
Oh a stickler are you mach? Still I think most of us are in agreement that you give splendid reviews and from your selections I have read a few and found them delightful. Congrats to everyone who received a review.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-05-2007, 11:12 PM   #548
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JediMaster12
Oh a stickler are you mach? Still I think most of us are in agreement that you give splendid reviews and from your selections I have read a few and found them delightful. Congrats to everyone who received a review.
Let's put it this way: I started watching Star Trek in 1966, when it started. I wrote my first Star Trek story at 20. I watched every series until Enterprise when they threw Canon aside for a story line. When the man making the movies tells you 'to hell with what you have been told is right and proper for thirty years' that is when I stop paying attention to them. There are few writers on that list, but there are some.

If you're tha author, or the one who carries on for them, you stay true to that course. Either you stick to what is right, or you write something else.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-12-2007, 01:07 PM   #549
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Lucasforums

Star Wars: CSI vs. CSI: Pilot Episode
CSI Nihilus

The two story lines collide…

Some misuse of words (Opening a door alarmly?) and you are following the storyline of the episode slavishly, but the idea is good, and keeps you moving.

Technical notes: Blasters use a plasma packet that expends the energy on what it hits. There is little or no penetration seen on any of the SW movies and none reported in the books. With such a projectile, there can be no through and throughs. My suggestion would have been a reading of remaining energy and it’s effects to determine which kind of weapon it is. An example, comment that a random element (say Selenium) was left over after the packet hit. Coruscanti blasters use a pulse variant that for some reason leaves selenium atoms alone. (Before you ask, there is the same percentage of selenium in the human body as there is in seawater; [1 time 10 –4]. Rare but not missing entirely.

Also, .38 is a measurement using what is called English measure, a direct tie to 11th century Europe. Except for two countries (The US and England) it is not common. Even old Brit colonies have gone to metrics. If you have read my SW stories you will notice I have avoided English measurement completely. It would have been better to say; ‘Coruscanti 8.5mm, Twi-Lek 6.5mm (.25 caliber)’.

Admiral Ancete
Sabretooth

Prequel to KOTOR: A bounty hunter has some problems.

The work is crisp, almost abrupt. It needs some polishing. The main character has little or no definition. Except for the helmet and lightsaber he could be any bounty hunter in history.

Your mixing timelines a bit here. First, no one would have been as surprised about the Death Star style of design if it had been done before. Calling it a ship is why I made that comment. Second, a bounty hunter Jedi? Third ‘Mafia’ describes one specific group in organized crime. Like calling Mandalorians Nazis, it has a specific connotation. The American press tends to do this a lot (Calling it the Mexican Mafia and The Russian organizations ‘Mafiya’), which is not accurate.

Remaster: The Reign of Darth Vader
Master Jimmy

Good work here, MJ. One thing, if you are in a dead end, or cul de sac, it is pretty obvious that you have to go back the way you came. Extra words not necessary. It’s skewer (pierce) not skew (turn or warp). The sabre battle is well done, but a lot of wrestling terms got thrown in, but that isn’t a major problem. Remember, you are trying to convince the reader to suspend disbelief. You should choose words that mean the same thing when possible but if all else fails, go for it.

Assassination Protocols
RC1162

HK returns three years after Yavin

The style is good and clean, the writing well done.

Does anyone have a copy of the RPG rules to check prices? If Han Solo was willing to risk life and limb for 10,000 credits, and Luke comments that it is almost enough to buy a ship, isn’t 122,465 a bit much for a droid? I know custom work is expensive, but this is a bit much.

The Jedi Archives

Unsatisfied Hunger
Pottsie

Some problems with word usage. (Respect with great interest? Why not say ‘treated him with great respect?) Also some punctuation problems. Nothing that can’t be fixed by editing and polishing.

Hunger of the Force
Darth Saruman

After the Second battle of Telos: Nihilus faces an old foe.

Technical note: A life pod, like a life raft, is short ranged. It has only one purpose, and that is to get someone away from a damaged vessel. Only a fool or desperate man (Say like the epic journey of Captain William Bligh) takes it for a really long trip.

The Battles in the Unknown Regions
Darth Saruman

Set after TSL: Revan and the Exile reunite.

The background confused me more than anything else. You have both the exile and Revan as ‘Darth’ yet have Bastila undefined. Your Sith are bad but more like bickering children than real bad guys. If Grivis is the leader, he’s too lenient with Talarius. I can’t see Vader or Palpatine or even Malak leaving someone they believe that incompetent alive.

The Christmas of the Jedi Exile
Pottsie

Pottsie, didn’t you read my posting at http://www.lucasforums.com/showthrea...3&page=3&pp=40 post 118?
Christmas is a holiday tied to one man, celebrated over less than half the planet here, and violates the canonical ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far far away’.

Bad author, bad author.

kotorfanmedia

Solace
Amber Penglass

KOTOR during mission on Korriban: Trapped in a cave in, Carth and Revan deal with the Leviathan revelation.

The style is good the scenes crisp and well laid out. Some spelling problems (exhilerating is spelled with an A) and you forgot one conversation break. Not enough to really complain about. 19 readers gave it a thumbs up, and it deserved them.

Discarded KOTOR scene #5872
Ocelott

Her own comment fit best; ‘Ever been trying to write a scene, and the characters just run away with you?’.
The story is well written, the addition of the author from on high doing a bit of whining herself a cute touch.
I know the feeling she speaks of. I have had scenes run away from my control as if the characters were fractious horses refusing the reins. Seeing it from the characters viewpoint is fun. 22 people gave it a thumbs up.
The Twi’lek and the Wookiee
tWiNkLet

Zaalbar and Mission tell the story of how they met.

The story flows well, the style jumping as each character speaks, assuring not only continuity but an automatic feel for who is speaking.

The explanation of how Griff was able to leave without Mission rings more true than the claims Mission made in the game concerning Lena, though the version of Mission’s first meeting with Zaalbar does not work as well.

Second Chances
AWilson

Before KOTOR: A very special smuggler is hired by the Republic.

The writing style is good the story excellent.

The author has done what few of us has, actually put together a period of time very close to the beginning of the game for the Character to remember. I did it with only a few comments, whereas AWilson gives us a full chapter or complete memories. 19 people gave it a thumbs up.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-13-2007, 04:34 AM   #550
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Yes, I've been a bad authour. Thanks for the two reviews mach and I'll be writing the Sera Tana Saga soon and the Christmas Fic wasn't my greatest Shortie ever. I'm looking foward to more reviews soon.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-13-2007, 08:00 PM   #551
Dark_Lady
Forumite
 
Dark_Lady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: We're on a need to know basis here...
Posts: 638
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Thanks for reviewing Blood Band Brothers. I'd actually forgotten about that one completely. And you're right about the classes/types (of course). I just pulled most of the information from the RP we were doing and, sadly, never bothered to check that kind of stuff (secret: I hate writing space battles, shhh). Anyways, maybe I'll actually finish it now. Thanks, and sorry about missing your review again.



There's a bit of the shadowy side in all of us.

Except those freakazoid Jedi nutcases.
Dark_Lady is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-19-2007, 12:00 PM   #552
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Lucasforums

Star Wars: Order of The Sith Lords
D’Albetot

No specific time given; Darth Bane teaches his apprentice and seeks the truth.

Some problems with word usage. (Shined instead of shone through instead of threw) and perimade, which is not in my dictionary (I use the Webster’s New International; Second edition). The style is stilted, and needs polishing and some direction. The characters have no definition, and this needs to be addressed as well.

The unexpected Dark lord
AkumaSF

After TSL: Yet another threat comes over the horizon, this one from within the order itself.

Some problems with word usage. Their instead of there. But considering your lineage, I won’t gig you too badly for spelling and grammar. I can’t even ask where the bathroom is in Croatian. The fight scene was abbreviated, but some people don’t feel comfortable with them. Dark Lady for example doesn’t like describing Naval battles. There is a middle road between too much information (Revan attacks with Ataru, The bad guy retaliates with Shondar) which mean as much as reprise in Quarte disengage in Sept does to a non fencer, and just saying ‘we fought and won’. I do the same thing, but flesh it out a little bit more. If all else fails, stick to one person’s view of the fight, which, if you have ever seen movies of full scale battles of any sort, shrinks the storytelling wonderfully, and they still feel like they are part of it.

All in all, a good start.

Eternal Darkness
AkumaSF

The denouement of The Unexpected Dark Lord

The piece still needs some punching up in the description department. But the style is pretty good, and only really needs polishing.

I didn’t like the ending, only because I abhor the Judeo-Christian stereotype. Hope to see more of your work, kid.

The New Emperor
Anakin Skywalker

A reprise of the alternate universe theory that Vader becomes Emperor.

The style is good, the story a little shabby, but that is what polishing is for.

The only protest I have is speeding things up compared to canon. The Emperor took the better part of 25 years getting the Empire running the way he wanted before getting rid of the Senate. You have Vader doing the same in what I would estimate is less than ten (After all, a competent 12 year old doesn’t really need a babysitter, right?). If you had suggested instead that it was a delegation protesting his actions, it would have been better.

Just a brief comment from someone who has studied history a lot.

The Jedi Archives

The Christmas of Ewan Katarn
Jason Skywalker

Yet another Christmas story. Before you post any more of these, please read
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthrea...3&page=3&pp=40 post 118.

The style is good, but the basic story line bothered me for obvious reasons. That and taking a leaf from Futurama with the ‘you can’t be good enough for me’ Santa.

Forbidden love
AkumaSF

A brief vignette in the lives of Bastila and Revan before KOTOR.

The style is good, but the entire work has a hurried feel to it. I did like the way you got Malak out of the way for Revan.

Problem: Even a cloistered monk like a Jedi would realize that a sniper would have another round in the air even as you are telling the others what a bullet is, and that you are under fire. Having Kavar scream for everyone to duck then explaining why would have made more sense.

The Double Love
Anakin Skywalker

After TSL: A slight disagreement in love…

The style is good, the flow not too bad, just needing some polishing.

You left the story unexplained. First, did Sion blow himself up or did Atton help him along? It would have been more logical (Which has, I will admit, nothing to do with love) to find a way to settle it without reducing the cast.

Atton vs. the Droids
Anakin Skywalker

After TSL: Atton and the droids have a mission to Telos with a few complications.

Short sweet, funny, and totally confusing. All in all, pretty good.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

The Galactic Senate has added some new works;

Severance
Bendu

Set 16 tears after the Clone Wars: A Joyous moment, or so you would think.

The scene was well laid out, and worked. The style is good, but the story left me feeling empty.

Alone Once More
Sarah-Leia

Set just after the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war: Even the Jedi sing the blues…

The basic idea has some flaws, but not a lot of them. The basic problems is forgetting conversation breaks, and making each chapter one crunched together paragraph.

Reducing three full grown Jedi to the level of the average person and having three nascent Jedi having to watch a stereotypical family argument was a nicely done touch, and it was amusing. I really can’t see Luke as a beer-swilling bon vivant, but hey, it’s a big universe,

kotorfanmedia

“A Wanderer’s Destiny”, Prologue & Chapter 1: Trisha’s Curse
Dark Jedi Princess

Set five years after TSL: A pair of ‘businessmen’ have a discussion with the Republic.

Crosssover fiction can have problems primarily because the rules of the two might not carry across. I have seen only one episode of Full Metal Alchemist, but the rules don’t seem to have changed much from what they use in KOTOR, so no biggie. The writing style is good, no major grammar or spelling goofs. But the work does need polishing and editing.

No that isn’t a ding, It always needs polishing and editing. Trust me.


Cave’s Echo
Alexandra

During KOTOR: Revan feels a link to the future and marks a path for those that follow.

The style is good, the wording a bit stilted, but it flows well and needs only polishing.

The biggest problem I have with the DS/LS argument is the way people look at the sides. If you are Dark Side you automatically revel in every possible debauchery while your light side opponent can’t even think about it because it will turn them to the darkside. You go directly from St Francis of Assisi to Vlad the Impaler with no middle ground.

Not everyone does this, but it does irk me and this work brought it to the fore.

Good stuff, Alexandra.

A Mandalorian’s Promise
Mother Mayhem

During KOTOR: The interplay between Revan and Canderous; could this be love?

The style is excellent, the story so basic I’d like to scream but well done anyway. The dialogue heightens the enjoyment.

Most people see the NPCs in a game as disposable cardboard assets with no real depth. The writers of the game didn’t think so as you will discover by actually talking to Bastila Canderous Zaalbar or even Mission. Canderous is almost always just the big dumb muscle and he is not. In my own work I consistently tried to bring out the people behind those caricatures, and I hope I did as well with my version of the Mando’a and Canderous.

This is another one of those I wish I could read all the way through… Not enough time.

Dark Birthright - Chapter I
Darth Chris

14 years after TSL: The son of Revan slides toward the dark side.

Some problems with word usage and dangling participles (was unlikely that his father would do.) but the mental byplay of the characters is interesting in it’s own right.

My biggest problem with the Star Wars game is the automatic ‘use this power and you’re evil’ attitude. Of course this is a common belief in every fictional genre. In the original Slayers series, Lena Inverse defined black magic as anything offensive, and white as anything that heals or helps.

How about an area of gray here?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-19-2007, 04:02 PM   #553
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
Whoa your almost done with the CEC Mach keep it up.

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-19-2007, 04:11 PM   #554
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I agree with Saruman. Keep up the good work mach.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-22-2007, 03:19 AM   #555
CSI
Aa! Megami-sama!
 
CSI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Tariki Hongan Temple, City of
Posts: 1,797
Current Game: Frozen Throne
Helpful! 
Wow...Thank you Mach for reviewing my fic...

1st question: For Visas, I just mixed them together without any thinking...I know this may be bad...But however when I create the member, I haven't thought that much.

2nd Question: For weapons, I'll keep that in mind, but I wonder if there is any weapon "penetrates" the body? As sometimes the Crime Scene dead bodies have through and through, you know.




| Muunilinst 10 | Real Life | Exiled Jedi Weapon Master | Ex-Sith Marauder | Gunslinger |
Killed in a suicide attempt of ramming his own ship, Ravager, onto the surface of Telos IV. --Casualty Report: Order 66
CSI is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-22-2007, 11:17 AM   #556
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSI: Nihilus
Wow...Thank you Mach for reviewing my fic...

1st question: For Visas, I just mixed them together without any thinking...I know this may be bad...But however when I create the member, I haven't thought that much.

2nd Question: For weapons, I'll keep that in mind, but I wonder if there is any weapon "penetrates" the body? As sometimes the Crime Scene dead bodies have through and through, you know.
Wound penetration with modern Human weapons is governed by two things; mass of the projectile, and what it hits. A low speed projectile, such as (In order of speed) .22 short, .25 .45ACP, and .38 caliber tend to not penetrate if they hit in say the head or upper torso because of the resistance of the flesh and bone. One woman was shot in the chest seven times with a .25 by her husband, and was still standing screaming at him when the police arrived. Another person, a man tried to kill himself by putting a .25 to his head, and lived for several hours. Higher speed projectiles (357 magnum, 9mm, and larger) actually have to be slowed down to assure they will not merely penetrate and do no other damage.Military ordinance (full metal jacketed rounds) are actually designed to be less lethal due to the Geneva convention, though getting hit with a .50 caliber would probably kill you even with if it hit you.

The weapons of star wars use plasma packets, as I said. Picture setting a small charge of explosives (Say four or five grams of C4 or semtex) directly on the armor or skin, then setting it off. There would be penetration, it would merely be parts of the armor, or bone that took the impact, and with that much explosive (I know it doesn't sound like a lot but two hundred grams of C4 is equal to a stick of dynamite) I would not be surprised if you did have fragments exiting the body.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-22-2007, 01:27 PM   #557
CSI
Aa! Megami-sama!
 
CSI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Tariki Hongan Temple, City of
Posts: 1,797
Current Game: Frozen Throne
Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Wound penetration with modern Human weapons is governed by two things; mass of the projectile, and what it hits. A low speed projectile, such as (In order of speed) .22 short, .25 .45ACP, and .38 caliber tend to not penetrate if they hit in say the head or upper torso because of the resistance of the flesh and bone. One woman was shot in the chest seven times with a .25 by her husband, and was still standing screaming at him when the police arrived. Another person, a man tried to kill himself by putting a .25 to his head, and lived for several hours. Higher speed projectiles (357 magnum, 9mm, and larger) actually have to be slowed down to assure they will not merely penetrate and do no other damage.Military ordinance (full metal jacketed rounds) are actually designed to be less lethal due to the Geneva convention, though getting hit with a .50 caliber would probably kill you even with if it hit you.

The weapons of star wars use plasma packets, as I said. Picture setting a small charge of explosives (Say four or five grams of C4 or semtex) directly on the armor or skin, then setting it off. There would be penetration, it would merely be parts of the armor, or bone that took the impact, and with that much explosive (I know it doesn't sound like a lot but two hundred grams of C4 is equal to a stick of dynamite) I would not be surprised if you did have fragments exiting the body.
Thank you, Mach, for providing such valuable weapon info. But I consider blaster's laser a kind of bullet, which ignores the gravity, direction, and resistance of air...But however I'll use metric for any weapon mentioned.

And .50 Caliber? This bullet is even taller than a one dollar bill...I mean width of 1 dollar bill...And that's for Snipers use only...No wonder why it is a One shot kill.




| Muunilinst 10 | Real Life | Exiled Jedi Weapon Master | Ex-Sith Marauder | Gunslinger |
Killed in a suicide attempt of ramming his own ship, Ravager, onto the surface of Telos IV. --Casualty Report: Order 66

Last edited by CSI: Nihilus; 01-22-2007 at 02:25 PM.
CSI is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-22-2007, 02:14 PM   #558
JediMaster12
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
 
JediMaster12's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,933
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member Veteran Fan Fic Author Contest winner - Fan Fiction Forum Veteran 
CSI: Well metric measurements are used anyway in the world of forensics and even my line of work, archaeology and excavation. It is easier than figuring out feet and inches, which is why the UTM map system is sooo much fun

Mach: good reviews as always and I have bent my willing mind to reading a few of the ones you have suggested.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-22-2007, 05:40 PM   #559
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,823
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSI: Nihilus
Thank you, Mach, for providing such valuable weapon info. But I consider blaster's laser a kind of bullet, which ignores the gravity, direction, and resistance of air...But however I'll use metric for any weapon mentioned.
In the essential guide blasters are defined as using high energy gasses, I.E. plasma of some sort (Which is the generic name for any gas containing a lot of energy, which is why I used the term). The tibanna gas mine on Bespin collected this and it is used in the more powerful broadside weapons of the fleet ships.

I expect they would probably use deuterium as the basis for a small hand held weapon. It is excited to fusion temperatures and ejected. Of course in real life the thermal bloom would fry everything around it for a couple of meters.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSI: Nihilus
And .50 Caliber? This bullet is even taller than a one dollar bill...I mean width of 1 dollar bill...And that's for Snipers use only...No wonder why it is a One shot kill.
Actually, the reason they use the .50 cal (Or the 12.7mm is you want to be exact) is the range of the projectile. I used to work for Leatherwood industries, which made a sniper scope called the Automatic Ranging Telescope and it was rated to 800 meters for 5.56 (M16) or 900 meters for 7.62 Nato. They had just started to suggest using the .50 as a sniper weapon at that time. You have to remember the original 12.7mm was designed as an anti-tank round during the first world war. There are about seven different rifles made during that war and WWII that use it right up to the .55 caliber Boys rifle used during WWII.

There are records of snipers using the German 7.92mm or 30.06 making hits at up to 1000 meters even with the scopes in use during that war, and the Dragunov (The Russian designed sniper scope using the old Moisen Nagant 7.62x 54mm) is rated as it sits at 1200.

A .50 caliber with the same scope is rated to 1500 meters, and the newer generation to 2000. That is a mile in the smaller configuration.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 01-22-2007 at 05:44 PM. Reason: typos
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-22-2007, 07:59 PM   #560
CSI
Aa! Megami-sama!
 
CSI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Tariki Hongan Temple, City of
Posts: 1,797
Current Game: Frozen Throne
Helpful! 
OK, thank you again, Mach. Do you have any book about weapons? I need to study them to write CSI fic...




| Muunilinst 10 | Real Life | Exiled Jedi Weapon Master | Ex-Sith Marauder | Gunslinger |
Killed in a suicide attempt of ramming his own ship, Ravager, onto the surface of Telos IV. --Casualty Report: Order 66
CSI is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Critic's 2 cents

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:00 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.