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Old 01-08-2008, 10:08 AM   #761
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabretooth
Depends on what they call the tomato now.
since a fruit by definition has the seeds inside, a tomato is a fruit.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-11-2008, 11:35 AM   #762
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11 Jan 2008

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Sandtrap
JediMaster12

KOTOR on Tatooine: Two unlikely allies learn to work together.

The basic style is good, the theme well portrayed.

Your Man Until the End
Uilleand

Before the last mission in TSL: Mandalore ponders on regret.

By weaving portions of both of the games Uilleand has given us an excellent glimpse into the heart of this warrior.

A pick of the week

kotorfanmedia

'Exile's Revenge' Prologue
DarthNemesis2

After TSL: The Exile speaks of his trial and decisions.


A couple of minor problems. Some improper word usage (It is ‘due’ not do.) and you forgot some quotation marks.

The basics of the story are well done, the scene well enough fleshed out that you get a very good idea of what is happening and why. For a first attempt it’s pretty good.

The Last Wait
Freesourceful

After KOTOR: Helena waits and reminisces.

Wow! This one reaches in and pulls the heartstrings. The style is well done, as if the world is seen through a heat haze. By the end you realize how much is put into this, even as a short piece.

First Pick of this week.



Trial of Two
Rainwood

Pre KOTOR: The Council judges Revan

The piece is very good, making you consider what led up to the erasure of Revan’s memories, and how those around him felt about that. Well worth the read.

Another pick of this week.


Change of Fates part one chapter 1
DarthJose480

A Timeline crossover from pre-ROTS to Pre Kotor: General Grievous on Dxun

The writing needs polishing, but it always does. One thing; It’s ‘He and Revan’, not ‘Revan and he’.

An interesting twist that sounds and looks interesting.

Destiny is crap
Revvie

After Leviathan incident: What if Revan mixed the two personalities?

The piece needs editing, but as anyone who has read my column for any length of time would know, no one escapes that comment.

As much as you defined this as AU, is it really? Even if the ‘new Revan’ formed by the revelation stayed either good or bad, there would be portions of that newer personality in the matrix. That thought alone, I feel puts it squarely within the canon.

A pick of the week.

Star Wars, Legacy of the Jedi, Part 1, Knights of the Old Republic 1: Journey of the Star Forge.
Revan Starwalker

You have a problem with run on sentences. Don’t worry, this is an editing and rereading problem I have as well.

The comment about Admiral Tarkin was confusing, did you mean trader (As in selling something) or traitor? Part of the confusion came from the line that followed it.

The piece has some intriguing ideas in it.

One technical detail, while the name ‘A wing’ might have recycled it would help to have a description beyond that name. As an example, any pilot knows the F22 was originally named the Lightning but the air force decided on Raptor instead. If you had said ‘Lightning’ here I would have had 5 different planes (One English One German one Japanese and two American) in my head at the same time.

Cries of the Suffering - 00 - Prologue
Revansadow

PreKOTOR alternate universe: The attempt to capture or kill Revan fail all around

You changed the name of the ship (Mizra to Dizra) several times. Is it perhaps a subtle dig at the reader that they are two different ships?

The basics are good, the split between Revan and Malak obvious but well considered and portrayed. Good work all around.

Gravity of Love
Madison Desdemona

KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: Bastila has one more thing to give up.

It’s fazed, not phased.

The style is good, the writing crisp and clean. The ending bothered me a bit but that didn’t stop it from being a good read.

A pick of the week.

Requitement
Revan Sama

Revan as an Apprentice: A bond formed.

The piece was good albeit confusing. The actions of Kreia seem to bridge between teacher mother and lover. Which is she supposed to be?

Damaged
Spud Head

Pre KOTOR: The battle of Malachor V claims it’s last victim.

I didn’t know what to say. SH fought the battle of Malachor V the same way I did but in a long drawn out tearing motion rather than an axe falling. It was like my ex would say, watching a train wreck. You can do nothing to stop it, you know the people will die, yet part of you can’t tear your eyes away from it.

A pick of the week, and I’ll tell you now, best of this week as well.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-17-2008, 09:35 AM   #763
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Hey, machievelli. I just read the comment about my "Never Blind in the Force" fanfic. I just wanna say thank you for correcting me. I also told why Kajo Mark aka Darth Atrocious went to the Dark Side. It's explained on Chapter 10.
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Old 01-17-2008, 03:17 PM   #764
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SkywalkerRules
Hey, machievelli. I just read the comment about my "Never Blind in the Force" fanfic. I just wanna say thank you for correcting me. I also told why Kajo Mark aka Darth Atrocious went to the Dark Side. It's explained on Chapter 10.
Thank you for getting back. If I get a chance, I will read that section.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-17-2008, 03:33 PM   #765
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Thank you. And you're welcome, machievelli. It's just that I love writing Fanfics, poems, and songfics about Star Wars. I'm really getting use to it.
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Old 01-17-2008, 11:31 PM   #766
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A Threat From Within
Jedi Athos

Post TSL: People search for Revan in different ways.

You didn’t need the first and in ‘She took the point and Atton, Visas, and Mira fell into step behind her’. You also use of instead of off. Mainly editing problems. Always remember to re-read and edit.

The basic premise is excellent and the style well done. Keep it up.


V Techenie Vos'mi Let (For Eight Years)
Tysyacha

PreKotor: Eight years after the events in KOTOR, An unnamed master laments

Remember Vandar does not Yoda-speak. Second, reread because a few of the sentences are cumbersome.

The basic story is excellent, and the dissenting voice well done.

kotorfanmedia

Dreams: Excerpts from Bastila Shan's Journal
Moonmythology

PreKOTOR: Dreams lead Bastila into a search of Revan’s past.

The basics are good, the style well done, the matter like watching a sunset, slowly fading into black and nightmare. Well worth the read.

First pick of the week.

A Phoenix Arises in Darkness
BobGens001

Mandalorian Wars: A single straw finally breaks Revan’s reserve.

The work is well done except for the technical notes below. The angst was a bit overdone, but as I tell a lot of kids, that is an editing problem. One thing my mother (And a lot of professional writers will tell you) if you have time put it away and read it a month two, maybe three later to see if it still feels good.

Technical notes; while often used generically, cruiser means a specific class of warship and so does corvette. You have a briefing room not a hall.

Pick of the week.

No Choice
Blaine Averre

The Capture of Revan: Revan’s reasons for becoming evil were never very clear…


It’s reveled, not revld. Saying that, the only things I saw wrong with this work were like that one comment something editing can cure.

The piece is well done, the idea that Revan didn’t fall as much as slid (One I also used with my Light side Revan) is intriguing, the author merely going one step further with Revan actually using that evil the Council had suspected and used it as well, hoping that by doing so it would also be destroyed.

Pick of the week.

Tol-Mar
Lnicol1990

The last battles of KOTOR: Trapped in his own mind, All Revan can ask for is release…

This work sent chills down my back. The idea that the new personality could be trapped, watching all it had done destroyed by himself, unable to stop it, is both surreal and terrifying.

Someone commented that this should have been the prologue, and I agree. Well, where’s the rest?

A pick of the week.

Forever Alone, Chapter 1, Regrets
Dakari

PostKOTOR: As the last battles come, Darth Revan has time now for regrets.

It’s wary not weary. As I said with another work above, all it needed was editing.

The story is poignant in it’s wondering ‘what if?’. I think the worst of it is not even Bastila can realize how much Revan wishes he could turn back time and change that one moment. The argument ‘you can’t go back’ always rang false with me, because all lives are formed by their choices, and even Dorian Gray and Anakin Skywalker made that effort to repent.

A pick of the week.

Insanity
Revan Sama

The battle between Revan and Bastila: What was going through Bastila’s mind?

I read this and like another a few weeks ago, didn’t know what to say. You look into the depth of madness here, and like the old saying, the madness is looking back at you.

Definitely a pick of this week.

Revan's Requiem, Prologue
InferiorBeing

PreKOTOR: An interesting piece.

Well written, but not really my cup of tea. Above the PG 13 line, kids.

Reversi
Jen

Alternate universe Aboard Leviathan in KOTOR: A ‘what if?’ offering. Who exactly was given this new life?

It’s expend (Put effort into) rather than expense (cost). Speculate is what you do, but is not the proper word to explain locating something. A better word would be divine (One meaning being discover through other means). These however are editing problems. As I tell just about everyone, reread, edit, polish.

The basic story is excellent especially in breaking away from the torture scene, and then giving Malak a choice. His new personality suits the character well. Keep it up.

The Master
Eowyn Jedi

PreKOTOR no specific time given: Revan is introspective about what he has done with the Star Forge.

A short piece, but very intriguing. The interplay with memory, and understanding of what is occurring reminds me of the book Christine by Stephen King. And the actuality of what was occurring with Frodo in Lord of the Rings.

A pick of the Week


Scars: Part 1
Eowyn Jedi

During the Mandalorian wars: The Battle of Malachor told from the Exiles point of view

The story was excellent, the scene well laid out, very well done.

The only complaint I have, as a serviceman (Vietnam era, though I did not end up there) is that while war is considered evil, sometimes you don’t get the choice. An enemy is sometimes so horrible in their actions that you must fight back. To condemn Revan and Malak on those grounds is shortsighted. To do so and at the same time extol the courage of the Mandalorians confusing.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-25-2008, 01:43 AM   #767
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25 jan

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Prophecy of Damnation
Darth Manus

Two years after TSL: An agent is sent from 5,000 years in the future to gain information from the Ghost of Ajunta Pall

The basics are good, the style crisp. The main problem is it’s too short.

Jedi Legacy
Terracentral

After Jedi Academy: Jaden Korr is thrown through time to Dxun right after TSL

Remember conversation breaks. Crumbling is an action, not usually a sound. You forgot to use the plural of candle. One thing, stalagmites ate always paired with stalactites, which are the ones that hang from the ceiling. I do believe the word is acceptable if both happen to be made of ice.

The basic story is interesting. You’re timing suggested the battle of Dxun at first (Trask Ulgo being alive when he died (Or disappeared at least) aboard the Endar Spire, and that is one thing I am curious about.

Remember, reread, edit, rewrite, polish, then serve.

Star Wars Legacy: In Her Eyes...
SkywalkerRules

No specific time given: Sometimes you try to match the picture others have of you.

The basics are good, and the change of pace from massive desperate danger which is most of the SW fare to just a sylvan glade was refreshing. There were some word usage problems and cumbersome sentences, but nothing that a quick edit and polish will not cure.

One of the Picks for this week.

Tython Ties 1: The Great Shism
Ztalker

Starting at the end of ROTS:A magnum opus covering almost 7000 years

Welcome back, Ztalker. Nice to have you back

Mainly word usage problems, but that is understandable. Why not ask a native English speaker to beat-read your stuff?

The idea of such a work is interesting. I hope to see a lot more of this.

Logs of a Commando
Darth_Velrogh

During Clone war: The diary of a clone commando

The style is abrupt but since this is a diary of sorts, that is acceptable. Remember to reread and edit, because you have the occasional wrong word in there.

Since the clones were bred to grow at a rate of approximately 4 to one, wouldn’t it be odd that you have one survive the equivalent of just under a century? (Editing point. There is some argument in the books because while the Kamino in AOTC spoke of them aging at 4 to one, the Books [Karen Traviss] say two to one. Still if you figure the Clone Wars [Three years] then 18 to 22 [depending on whether Luke was that age at end] that would still make your tooper in his early fifties.)


kotorfanmedia

Rise of the Sith'ari: Chapter 1
Master Widrin Soro

Two months before the beginning of the Jedi Civil War: Revan and Malak discover that the Sith'ari might be more than a myth.

The style is abrupt, the story merely an intro. But from that I believe I can safely say this one bears watching.

One of the Picks for this week.

Crisis Stabilization
Gabrielle

After KOTOR: Revan deals not only with Bastila’s death, but the end of the comradeship that the Ebon Hawk held

This is an intriguing piece especially in dealing with the one part of the adventure everyone else ignores, living the rest of your life after it.

Well worth the read, and I hope there is more.

One of the Picks for this week.

Admiration
Revan Sama

PreKOTOR: The Exile remembers Revan

The piece is short, with some misused words.

That being said it was perfect in it’s own way. The reason the Exile could not follow Revan was well said, and the angst that follows well done.

One of the Picks for this week.


Ambushed
Rotgutt

PreKOTOR: A battle fought and lost

The piece was simple, elegant, and a bit confusing. But at the same time it was an excellent piece of work.

There is no death,there is the force
Revan Sama

After TSL: You must have something beyond that goal…

The piece is well done, the idea simple, yet elegantly portrayed. The end was aq surprise only if you didn’t read what I commented above…

One of the Picks for this week.

Fall to Darkness
Indi26

KOTOR, start of dark side ending: What does Revan really see when the fall happens.

The piece is wonderful, short and disturbing. It has hints insanity in there well done.

One of the Picks for this week.

With this one I have gone through the Dark Side Male Revan category. As with the Light Female Revan I will check back every week to keep up with them

But now it’s light side Female Exile time…

Hindsight
Arrow


TSL: In flashbacks and comments to others, the Exile’s past is revealed.

The story flows smoothly, the subject matter well defined and delivered. The idea of a Jedi trying to explain how he made an engine explode accidentally was choice.

Too often, even in my own work, we see the characters as stolid adults either trying to right the wrongs they have committed, or saving the Galaxy from another. We tend to forget that these were kids at one time or another.

A Reprise Pick of the Week.

Understanding and Loyalty
Rhiannon

The period right before the end of the Mandalorian Wars: A lover’s triangle finds itself part of yet another triangle.

The style is well done, the work well worth reading. The idea that a man whose love is unrequited may be doing the same to another is not new, but is very well portrayed. One of the best short pieces I have read in the last year.

And Loyalty where I said;

The Exile during the end of the Mandalorian War; How do you deal with someone changed so radically by war?

An extremely short piece that follows the above one. The inner turmoil of what to do when a friend has changed drastically by a war will reach to any of us that have had to deal with that aftermath.

Reprise Picks of the Week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 01-26-2008 at 10:32 AM. Reason: typos
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Old 01-25-2008, 07:55 AM   #768
SkywalkerRules
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars Legacy: In Her Eyes...
SkywalkerRules

No specific time given: Sometimes you try to match the picture others have of you.

The basics are good, and the change of pace from massive desperate danger which is most of the SW fare to just a sylvan glade was refreshing. There were some word usage problems and cumbersome sentences, but nothing that a quick edit and polish will not cure.

One of the Picks for this week.
Thanks, machievelli. I'll try to find some time to find those few errors.
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Old 02-01-2008, 11:47 AM   #769
machievelli
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Consecrated Demise
Mr BFA

After TSL: As the Exile plans on following Revan, Revan is also discovering the truth.

The piece flow well but you have problems with cumbersome sentences. Try vocalizing the dialogue, read what you wrote, then listen to how it sounds. This is an editing problem.

Welcome back.

Animal or Metal?
JediMaster12

No specific time given though I believe after TSL: Who is the better, a machine or a guard animal?

Either just or merely since they mean pretty much the same thing in context and using it in the next sentence as well is redundant. Dark ‘and’ not a. lowered not lower.

That being said the story is well written, the idea interesting enough to carry it. The interplay is done well because both antagonists have completely different perceptions of everything, and seeing the same situation through eyes and photoreceptors makes it very interesting.

Reality push
LadyXianghua

Before KOTOR II: The Exile is being hunted on Tatooine.

The style is good, though the grammar and word placement seems a bit odd to me. The character is well defined, yet as one of those that commented pointed out, no real description is given of her.

The period before the second game is a fertile place to do work, because there is no real mention of what she did for those first five years. I wish I had the time to read the entire work if this is but an example.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Pazaak
Foxfire

After KOTOR II: Atton plays Pazaak at a distance with the Exile.

The style is excellent, the only problem with the piece was it was too damn short, and in the comment section I am not the only one to say so!

27 people gave this a thumbs up, and if you read it, you’ll see why.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Discipline
Icey cold

Time period not set, though probably during KOTOR I: The disciple and Exile talk about the inner workings of the Order.

The style is good, the byplay excellent.

It is not often that people looked under the surface of the order itself, and little has been done on the interim between the Mandalorian wars and the Exile’s return. This work is definitely worth the read.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Echo
Rhiannon

The Exile is torn by the revelations on Dantooine

The style is good, the angst well turned and served. One of the best I’ve read in a long time.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Connections: Prologue and Chapter One
Rhiannon

The climactic battle at Malachor: Seen through the eyes of several characters.

Remember the conversation breaks, and editing is needed to take care of some of the word usage.

On the whole it is a well done piece. The story is well portrayed, the situation not only understandable, but enjoyable

Pick of the Week

The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR-style
Charys

The tale of the Baba Yaga meets TSL head on.

Having read the tales of the Baba Yaga, and written my own full length KOTOR II novel, I think I know both stories well. With that out of the way, I have to admit, I didn’t think they could be combined like this.

I like it!

Reprise Pick of the Week

The next author had back to back works I liked.

release
gekkeiju

During TSL: The Exile spends Atton’s last moments of life wishing it had been different.

The author grabs you by the throat and drags you along in this piece. My only real complaint is that it is so short. 20 people gave this a thumbs up, and I agree.

and;

In your dreams, Part 1
gekkeiju

During TSL: The revelations of Atton’s past.

gekkeiju had done another excellent piece here. Alike and different from the above reviewed work. The setting is excellent, the piece sublime in that you fully understand why the characters are arguing, and learn more about them in the telling. Well worth a read.

Reprise Pick of the Week

The Language of Love
Seraterranova

Set approximately a year after the Star Forge: Some in depth look at Telosian society, Revan’s reaction to it, and what really happened.

The work is well done, the in depth look at the character is sublime, and the end a definite giggle. 24 readers gave it a thumbs up, and I understand why

Reprise Pick of the Week

Lucky
Lurai Valcorr

During visit to Nar Shaddaa in TSL: It isn’t the gift, it’s the thought.

I don’t know how I missed this one the first time I went through, but I regret it now. The piece is a simple bit of work like a mere line art. But together, it’s a picture word more words that I can give it.

Pick of the week.

Hyper Drive
Strifekun

TSL: Inside Atton’s mind. It’s not a pretty picture…

The piece is dark and gives you a chill. The inner workings of Atton show a lot of disturbance. Well worth the time to read.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-01-2008, 12:42 PM   #770
JediMaster12
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Thanks for the review mach. You try writing something that told you that HK was supposed to be scary

Anyway that was a breif moment of creative eccentricity. I was thinking about the dialogue exchange between Canderous and Carth in th egame, the difference between warriors and soldiers and figured to do the same thing with HK and Kapu from HotG series. Glad it worked out and merited mach's grammar troll notice...

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Old 02-02-2008, 01:12 AM   #771
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Thanks also for the review, Mach.

I haven't been writing as much as I should have and that's probably why I've been slacking more and more with editing.
Again thanks, and I'll try to be more mindful of how I write from now on

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Old 02-08-2008, 04:25 AM   #772
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Thanks for the review I'll think about the 'beat-read'

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Old 02-08-2008, 11:35 AM   #773
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Cat woman
Lord Nihilus

PreKOTOR: How Juhani fell to the darkside.

The piece has some problems; first, dream sequences are usually in separate paragraphs. Second; the piece didn’t give us a lot to get into.

You have some chops, kid. Let’s see them in something longer.

Welcome aboard

Children of the Jedi
JediMaster12

Set in the post KOTOR universe: Preparing for the next conflict.

The writing is good, but needs some polishing. Others have addressed any other problem.

There was one thing that bothered me, but since I IM the author on occasion, I found out this was intentional. The calm before the storm of the first chapter was good.

Pick of the week.

Darth Nihilus Chapter # 1:Hunger for life
Lord Nihilus

PreTSL: The death of Katarr and Visas’ capture

I was getting irate with this piece until it hit me:

Our friend doesn’t speak English that well.

So taking that into account, remember to have paragraph breaks when the subject changes. The average size of a paragraph is only about three to five sentences. A subject changes when perspective changes as well.

The basic idea is good; it just needs a bit of polish and editing.

kotorfanmedia

Circles
Benna Kioba

Post KOTOR, but no definite dating: Carth says goodbye, and hello.

What can I say? The piece was like a portrait by a master. The scene well defined, the situation perfect, every word and phrase making the scene more exact and poignant.

Pick of the week.

Scoundrels
Kitome

TSL after Onderon civil war; Sometimes you have to just take the chance.

A brief look at the relationship between a female exile and Atton that was well done and give enough mental interplay that it was an enjoyable read. The best line has been commented on in the note above, but it was still a giggle.

Rivalries
Dinah Lance

TSL after Onderon civil war; A peek into trhe Exile’s past.

Forgive me for missing this however that happened Dinah. A well-done piece with enough explanation to keep everything coherent. Well done.

Angel of Mercy
BrennaSolo

TSL on Malachor: Atton reminisces about his time spent with the exile.

It’s a couple (of) lovers, kid. That said, there is nothing I can say about this that hasn’t already been said by those who have commented already. Excellent work, and good in depth studies of each incident make me wish I had time to read it all.

Pick of the Week.

Exiled No Longer
Wook

End of TSL: As the Exile sinks into a coma, the crew considers what she has become to them

The piece is excellent writing. The way each deals with the situation fits the characters very well, and having all of them help makes it that much more interesting.

Pick of the week.

Truly Wonderful is the Mind of a Child
Charys

Some time after TSL: You should be careful with your criticism…

I enjoyed this primarily because I have dealt with this kind of teacher before, and the way the ‘child’ took care of her problem was not only unique but downright hilarious.

Pick of the week.

Not the Other Way Around (Chapter 1)
Darth Arwen

The rescue of Master Vrook: Sometimes nothing goes right…

I agree with the other comments that you showed the antipathy between the characters very well. The scene is well laid out, and well done.

Lost in Transition, Chapter One
Lightseeker

After TSL: The reunion between Revan and the Exile

The scene is well done and has a nice gritty feel, a perfect place for the meeting portrayed. The interplay shows the pain both feel about the past

The only problem I saw is one I got dinged for when I tried to sell a story back in the 70s. The editor who read it rejected it because it was set in an inn. As he pointed out (Belabored actually) it’s a stock scene everyone falls back on. So if you decide to actually sell something, remember that.

At the End of All Things, Ch. 1
VanillaLatte

End of TSL: After the climactic battle is fought, the team ponders the nature of the force and what is to come.

The others said it already, but I’m going to say it myself. Wonderful work, the interplay excellent, the discussions while reminiscent of the scene in KOTOR is done in such a way that anyone who plays both would get a new perspective of the same question.

Pick of the week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-08-2008, 12:15 PM   #774
JediMaster12
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Thanks for the review mach. Good selection from kfm this week. I have read almost alll of them at least twice over and as always I still love them.

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Old 02-14-2008, 05:11 PM   #775
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Carth's Wonderful Night
DarthJebu05

After KOTOR: A crossover of Scrubs; What do you do when you wake up the next morning.

Some confusing sentences. As an example when Revan asks for a story it should have been why ‘don’t’ you tell me a story. Every problem I saw could be corrected by editing.

Glory's Road
Robqeldroma

Before KOTOR, no specific time given: A man is formed in the heat of battle.

The start is good, the scenes done rather well. The only problem I had was historical.

According to the Chronology, the last war with the Sith specifically had been 40 years before the events of KOTOR, when Kavar was either young or not even born. The image used by the Game designers looks to be in his late 30s to early 40s. If you consider that the average Padawan is in his mid to late 20s, the events would have had to happen during the period before the Mandalorians attacked the Republic yet the events described are far more than a raid. More background is needed.

kotorfanmedia

This weeks column has a little bit of everything so without further ado:

Light side female Revan

No Girls Allowed
Hairless Wookie

Climactic battle aboard Star Forge: The sign said what???

I was a bit upset at the first with Nurik being made an admiral. But from the moment Malak spoke, I lost it. Malak on drugs, Nurik unable to figure a way out of the mess, Revan unwilling to open a door because she’s worried about LS points. The way she got her light sabers was just icing on the cake.

Wildly silly, irreverent and worth every second!

Pick of the week.

Forgiven
Ryusui

KOTOR During Korriban mission: What are you willing to do for love? For that matter, what are you willing to forgive?

Extra right now in this sentence; “While the star map is important, for right now , I consider getting the evidence for Dustil most important right now, I just wanted you to know that.” A couple of times you left out a word. But all I saw were editing problems, easily corrected.

The piece is excellent. It shows how Revan could have gotten the information she needed, how Carth would have undoubtedly acted if he were a love interest, and gives a good idea of what he might have done after such a faux pas. The explanation of how the mental erasure worked was also excellent.

Outstanding work, and another pick of the week.

Target
Delasaer Chval

After Revan‘s return: Trapped together, Mira and Dustil have to think about how to get along.

The piece is not too bad, needing editing more than anything. The pairing as the first person to comment said, is one you might eventually see, and it was definitely interesting. The Silent Order is the most interesting part of the story, and I hope more is written.

You Do Something to Me....
Griet Mutnojmet

After Leviathan revelation: Canderous Revan and Carth deal with a possible relationship between Canderous and Revan.

The situation is well done, the situation not perfect but still a work of art. Well worth the read.

A pick of the week.


dark side male Revan

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (Prologue)
Prodigal Knight


Prologue to KOTOR: The Capture of Revan

Word usage problems, probably due to thinking faster than you write. A common problem, I suffer from it myself.

Technical note; Lasers are light speed weapons. If you are fired on by a laser, you know it when the weapon hits, not before. That is why I think as much as they call them ‘turbo lasers’ the weapons of the Star Wars galaxy are actually laser driven plasma instead of lasers.

Well done.

Light side Exile

More to the war than the battles
Jedi Valius

During the Mandalorian Wars: The difference between the Jedi and a soldier


While the basics, allowing an enemy prisoner to escape bothered me, I had to agree with the reasoning. The biggest problem in war over the centuries has been the treatment of prisoners, which has always been haphazard.
The writing is well done, the characters briefly sketched but still fleshed out.

Resolutions
Trillian4210

After the climactic battle on Malachor V: To make a new beginning, first you must have an end of the old…

Several people have praised this, and I agree with those reviews. The idea that the planet itself had to be destroyed for the nightmare to end or at least abate it is well portrayed. The scenes of those lost were done in such a manner that they were easily visualized, from Kreia to Bao-Dur to G0T0, they fit.

Pick of the week.

The Blue Side of the Force: Part the First- In which a hippified Jedi joins the Exile
JediDWH

TSL on Citadel Station the first time: The exile picks up an unlikely ally.

The story was a bit irreverent. The idea of a tie-died Jedi was amusing, and classifying a light saber battle as art fits in well with the attitude of the JedI themselves. Well done.

What am I?
DJ

After Malachor V: Now that the adventure is done, the Exile runs with her faithful droids, and ponders what she has become.

The piece is deep introspection, and very well done in that vein. The reason for her condition was never adequately explained in the game, and where she would go from there sketched in only in very generic terms. Whether for good or ill, the questions remained.

Pick of the week.


Drunk Realities
Revan’s Pet Duck


TSL On Nar Shadaa after mission: A drunken night out doesn’t leads to?

The piece flows well, and as much as the author was worried that it was overdone, the drunken scene was very well done.

Pick of the week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 02-22-2008 at 01:49 AM. Reason: typos
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Old 02-22-2008, 01:50 AM   #776
machievelli
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22 Feb

Coruscant Entertainment Center

I'm Here for the Party
Tysyacha

KOTOR on Taris: Brave warrior or Party animal?

A short piece, but amusing. The idea that our dear Revan is a party animal is funny.

Carth's Worst Day
DarthJebu05

After the Star Forge: Some people just can’t keep secrets.

It’s ‘He and’ not ‘him and’.

The piece was confusing, primarily because your wording implies that Canderous is Revan’s husband, yet by defining it as a prequel you then have Revan committing adultery. But your way of using suggesting reference made up for it.

Safeword
Uilleand

On Nar Shaddaa during TSL: A look into Atton’s darkness

The way it was written, this reminded me of a lot of things. Excellently done, the denouement perfect.

Pick of the week

kotorfanmedia

Light side female Revan

The Long Road Led Here
Tatooine92

KOTOR on Taris: Why is Carth so paranoid?

While basically the same section all of us have read and done, this piece is well done in it’s own right. Please continue.

Nicknames and Whiskey
Onasilvslv

At the start of TSL: How long will Carth wait?

It was an interesting view of Carth’s mind. The fact that Mori (Revan) had replaced his late wife as the focus of his yearning was excellent, and how he felt when he did slip also well portrayed. The way that nicknames were used as the trigger to stop him was also good.

Struggle
Yggdrasil

Originally posted 10 28 2005

After the destruction of the Star Forge, a Jedi out for revenge meets Revan and her crew.

I was hooked three paragraphs into this. Outstanding work, the angst of the main character is haunting.

Reprise Pick of the week.


Light side female Exile

Finding Revan
kattalez

During KOTOR II A Jedi strike team finds and rescues Revan (Note when originally reviewed I had not played TSL. So I know place this after that story.)

First reviewed in June of 2006, this is the original review.

The placement above is assumed, but the skill the writer shows is not an assumption. The style is dark yet draws you in easily. Very well done

Reprise Pick of the week. 22 Feb 2008

Nar Shaddaa Style
Kitome

During TSL: Just remember, the House wins any ties…

Having never gotten into the Pazaak portion of the games, I felt this would probably not be interesting.

Boy was I wrong. Finding out what the Nar Shaddaa rules are was amusing, having the house win ties in the position they were in funny, and the last line outrageous.

A pick of the week

The Will of the Force
Revan’s Pet Duck

With the TSL crew, no specific time mentioned: The will of the Force? Or a dirty mind?

As much as you want to give credit to Nate, take credit when it is due. The piece is amusing, the situation tells us a little of what is on Atton’s mind. Maybe it was the Force, but maybe the Force was just giving them a not too subtle nudge.

Pick of the week.

The Streak
SeraTerranova

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A silly reaction, set to the music of the Streak by Ray Stevens.

Following the basic pattern of the Ballad, it was a lightly amusing read until the end, when you find out why ‘Ethel’ (The woman from the song in this case the Exile) ends up joining the race as it were. That one segment made the story for me.

Pick of the week.

Wake Up Call
Revan’s Pet Duck

TSL Enroute to Korriban: Some things are best not considered…

When you said what happened with the Disciple, I suddenly had a picture in my mind. To quote HK, ‘My photoreceptors! My photoreceptors!'

The story started a little slow, and the scene when the author explains the exile’s panic started to pick up the pace. But Mira’s wake up call is absolutely beautiful, especially HK’s comments.

Don’t feel bad, I actually downloaded the Handmaiden/female Exile mod because I couldn’t stand the twit myself. I have to agree, if he’s there dis him…

Pick of the week.

Prologue: Past Remembered
Peculiar

Prologue to TSL: The Exile thinks of her past

Just a prologue true, but you can understand why she is what she was at the start of TSL. Well done work.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-22-2008, 01:52 AM   #777
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I only just noticed this thread. Heh. Anyway I noticed the blurb you gave me for my fic. Anyway my fic has gone over a complete plot overhaul since you wrote it.

Anyway the critiscms here are really good. Keep it up


"There's gotta be a better way to make a living"
-Kyle Katarn
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Old 02-22-2008, 03:00 PM   #778
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@mach - EDIT: Actually, after doing some checking with Rev7 (check out that "SW timeline..." thread in the help part of CEC), my fic actually does fit within the timeline; there's a window where no conflicting storylines should be taking place.

And background is definitely coming...

Last edited by RobQel-Droma; 02-24-2008 at 11:36 PM.
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Old 02-29-2008, 10:31 AM   #779
machievelli
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29 Feb

The Last Hope: Episode One - The True Sith
DarthJebu05

Some editing problems, nothing that can’t be corrected. The flow is a little off, and you’re pushing the pace. Ease off a bit, allow the story to flow naturally.

The premise is interesting so far. I am wondering how you are going to explain not only Revan’s longevity but how the Star Forge still exists.

Just a Dream
Tatooine92

After the return from the Unknown Regions: The past never really lets go

Several people have commented, and I think what I say here fits pretty well. The work is excellent, the possibility that the dream is a foreboding very real. Worth every second.

Pick of the week.

A stroll on Dxun . . .
Yggdrasil

On Dxun: An interesting walk leads to an equally interesting conversation

The piece started out a bit strange, but immediately became a riot. Put it this way, just picturing Visas begging for a spanking, then Visas in bondage gear cracked me up, and it didn’t stop there. Excellent!

Pick of the week

Look at Me
Hijozu Shan

Peragus Escape: With a little help from your friends.

My only complaint is the brevity of the piece. The scene is well portrayed, the fear and cajoling well done. It makes Atton a bit more than a part of the scenery, and makes the Exile a bit less of a superwoman.

Wounds
Exile Starrcast

After TSL: The Exile considers what her life must be

The piece is excellent introspection, the end a bit of a surprise. I would say it was too short; considering the subject though, it was perfect in every way.

Pick of the Week.

Who' afraid of the big bad kinrath?
kattalez

On Dantooine: Everyone must face their fear, some just do it in different ways.

The piece has interesting quirks for both characters. The Exile afraid of the dark and bugs, and Atton…

Well worth a read.

Stowaway
Kitome

Aboard Ebon Hawk: What frightens you?

The piece made me grin. People are always teased about their phobias, and seeing the comeuppance was poetic justice. The Exiles last line even better.

The Mind Killer"
DarthExile

After TSL: Has Atton really changed?

There was a blurb on the Light Side Female Exile page for this one. I don’t think the comment did the story justice. This is a look at a totally dark dream, one bad enough you would expect the dreamer to awake screaming.

Oh, and DarthExile, thanks for the advice. I read this at 2 in the afternoon. I’m glad I did.

Pick of the Week

Prelude to Chaos
WeaponsMaster Conroy

Originally reviewed July 7, 2006 authored as Dark Lord of the Bith

My review then stands;

The girl who will later be the Exile goes into her first battle.
The biggest problem with RPGs in comparison to books and stories is there's a lot of back story that never gets told. Our friend DLOTB covers an important point in the life of the main character of TSL, and does it well. The character is well fleshed out, and some of the background is excellent. The comment about her using a force choke on an enemy troop attacking an animal tells you more about her than most even try.
This is the second person I reviewed this week that makes me wish I had the time to read all of their works.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

Pazaak: Juma Rules
Qt314159

After Onderon Civil War: Different rules make a game interesting…

There were a number of times you forgot conversation breaks. That said I can’t think of enough good things to say. Each character was well portrayed, the scenes one after another a riot!
Pick of the week

The Confession
Trillian4210

On Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s confession

The scene is well laid, the flashback laying out all of what Atton had done and why. My problem is that now I not only have another pick of the week, but problems figuring which is going to be best of the best

Message in a Datapad
Darth Meatbag

Originally posted July 21st, 2006. With this review

Set during KOTOR II: The Exile gets a message from her lost love.

The style is good, the story well done, the subject matter excellent.

Reprise Pick of the week

The Last Hope: Episode One - The True Sith
DarthJebu05

Some editing problems, nothing that can’t be corrected. The flow is a little off, and you’re pushing the pace. Ease off a bit, allow the story to flow naturally.

The premise is interesting so far. I am wondering how you are going to explain not only Revan’s longevity but how the Star Forge still exists.

Just a Dream
Tatooine92

After the return from the Unknown Regions: The past never really lets go

Several people have commented, and I think what I say here fits pretty well. The work is excellent, the possibility that the dream is a foreboding very real. Worth every second.

Pick of the week.

A stroll on Dxun . . .
Yggdrasil

On Dxun: An interesting walk leads to an equally interesting conversation

The piece started out a bit strange, but immediately became a riot. Put it this way, just picturing Visas begging for a spanking, then Visas in bondage gear cracked me up, and it didn’t stop there. Excellent!

Pick of the week

Look at Me
Hijozu Shan

Peragus Escape: With a little help from your friends.

My only complaint is the brevity of the piece. The scene is well portrayed, the fear and cajoling well done. It makes Atton a bit more than a part of the scenery, and makes the Exile a bit less of a superwoman.

Wounds
Exile Starrcast

After TSL: The Exile considers what her life must be

The piece is excellent introspection, the end a bit of a surprise. I would say it was too short; considering the subject though, it was perfect in every way.

Pick of the Week.

Who' afraid of the big bad kinrath?
kattalez

On Dantooine: Everyone must face their fear, some just do it in different ways.

The piece has interesting quirks for both characters. The Exile afraid of the dark and bugs, and Atton…

Well worth a read.

Stowaway
Kitome

Aboard Ebon Hawk: What frightens you?

The piece made me grin. People are always teased about their phobias, and seeing the comeuppance was poetic justice. The Exiles last line even better.

The Mind Killer"
DarthExile

After TSL: Has Atton really changed?

There was a blurb on the Light Side Female Exile page for this one. I don’t think the comment did the story justice. This is a look at a totally dark dream, one bad enough you would expect the dreamer to awake screaming.

Oh, and DarthExile, thanks for the advice. I read this at 2 in the afternoon. I’m glad I did.

Pick of the Week

Prelude to Chaos
WeaponsMaster Conroy

Originally reviewed July 7, 2006 authored as Dark Lord of the Bith

My review then stands;

The girl who will later be the Exile goes into her first battle.
The biggest problem with RPGs in comparison to books and stories is there's a lot of back story that never gets told. Our friend DLOTB covers an important point in the life of the main character of TSL, and does it well. The character is well fleshed out, and some of the background is excellent. The comment about her using a force choke on an enemy troop attacking an animal tells you more about her than most even try.
This is the second person I reviewed this week that makes me wish I had the time to read all of their works.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

Pazaak: Juma Rules
Qt314159

After Onderon Civil War: Different rules make a game interesting…

There were a number of times you forgot conversation breaks. That said I can’t think of enough good things to say. Each character was well portrayed, the scenes one after another a riot!
Pick of the week

The Confession
Trillian4210

On Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s confession

The scene is well laid, the flashback laying out all of what Atton had done and why. My problem is that now I not only have another pick of the week, but problems figuring which is going to be best of the best

Message in a Datapad
Darth Meatbag

Originally posted July 21st, 2006. With this review

Set during KOTOR II: The Exile gets a message from her lost love.

The style is good, the story well done, the subject matter excellent.

Reprise Pick of the week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-29-2008, 10:42 AM   #780
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
29 Feb

The Last Hope: Episode One - The True Sith
DarthJebu05

Some editing problems, nothing that can’t be corrected. The flow is a little off, and you’re pushing the pace. Ease off a bit, allow the story to flow naturally.

The premise is interesting so far. I am wondering how you are going to explain not only Revan’s longevity but how the Star Forge still exists.
Thanks for the tips, I'll slow it right down after chapter four. Which I have just posted. I have a great plot twist and story line that will be fully explained in the coming chapters and episodes. Don't expect to be left in the dark!
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Old 02-29-2008, 05:18 PM   #781
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarthJebus05
Thanks for the tips, I'll slow it right down after chapter four. Which I have just posted. I have a great plot twist and story line that will be fully explained in the coming chapters and episodes. Don't expect to be left in the dark!
As I have told a lot of people here, I know the problems like this primarily because I have or have had the same problems.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-07-2008, 11:13 AM   #782
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

The End of Something Grand
Lord Sturkie

Before the Yuuzhan Vong left their galaxy: Two young apprentices vie against each other.

The writing is well done, the piece interesting in giving the alien menace of later years an almost human aspect.

Welcome to the forum and well done.

Battle of Dxun
Lordjedi

It’s too not to in the first paragraph. Remember conversation breaks. Also, remember to edit before posting if not using a spell checker, since destroy is the correct spelling as is approach.

Welcome to this forum, kid.

kotorfanmedia

Knights of the Rebellion
Cy Ndakiel

After TSL: Carth and Revan meet again, but the adventures aren’t over.

The workmanship is journeyman work, and deserves a read. The characters are well enough fleshed out that the reader can visualize them readily.

The basic story as other have belabored, does have that slight plot twist that jars the reader. If it had been longer, or the explanation had been more detailed, I don’t think there would be a problem.

For a Noob, it isn’t bad. Keep it up.

Message from the Heart
Darth Meatbag
Ten years after KOTOR: The Exile and Atton reunite.

Posted 15 Dec on the Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment with the following review:

After KOTOR II: The reuniting of the exile and Atton.
The piece is a slice of life that tells a great deal not only about the exile, but Carth and Revan as well. Very well done.

Reprise Pick of the week

Inklings
Despiva Kaioh

Ten years after KOTOR: Revan and the Exile meet again, but not for long.

The piece flows well, and the ending while a surprise, was in it’s own way a pleasant one. Sometimes you’re too busy trying to save others to understand they might have the same thoughts.

Pick of the Week.

Beneath the Burning Sky
Rawtooth

During the Mandalorian Wars: A view of the prelude to a battle.

The piece needs some editing, primarily because of spelling, but on the whole well done.

This is one of the few pieces I have seen where the average Mandalorian is not painted merely as a homicidal maniac because his profession is war. Well worth reading.

Of Jokes and Dreams
Glass Mermaid

During and right after TSL: You can never match the image you create of your rival…

The piece has some spelling errors, and could use editing, but beyond that it is excellent.

The basis of the story is well done, showing all of the ways a man in love will tell himself he isn’t worthy of the woman he loves. Well worth reading.

Pick of the week.

Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption--Prologue
Bald As Malak

Six months after KOTOR: A nightmare sends Revan into the unknown…

Too short to really call for style, yet an interesting twist on why Revan had to go into the darkness alone.

Cast of a Thousand Shoulders: (1) In the Tale, a Story
NovelT

Covering from after the Mandalorian Wars to the end of TSL: Some debts have to be repaid in different ways…

The style is a bit confusing and stilted, but by the same token once you get a feel for it, quite fun to read. It wasn’t until a quarter of the way through that I figured out who was who, but once I did it made perfect sense. It’s like the chiaroscuro pictures they have where you have to look at it to find the image, but once you see it, you automatically see it every time.

KotOR III Destiny's Call Chapter 1
Kandon Kuuson

After TSL: A new adventure begins

The primary problems are stilted sentences and misspelling. These are editing problems, easily corrected.

The story is workmanlike, and flows well beyond that. The only question I have is the one the other reviewers asked; How did Revan die?

The Long Goodbye
Codename SailorV

The end of TSL: The Exile says goodbye from Visas’ viewpoint

What can I say, one of the best I have seen this week. The way Visas tries to find a way to stop her, and all arguments are shot down is perfect.

Pick of the week.

Tough Love
Glass

During TSL: The title says it all.

The rare evil Atton story so far have been some of the best work I have seen here. Not that the man can’t be the good guy, but because when he goes bad he really goes bad. You can’t think of anything beyond him

Pick of the week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-14-2008, 01:50 AM   #783
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Liberation
JediAthos

Mandalorian Wars January contest: The events on Taris prior to and during the liberation.

The scenes need work, as does the dialogue. The problems were the scenes went by too fast. The dialogue is stilted especially in the first section. Considering the time constraints, not too bad. The basic idea is good.

Fire with Fire
Salzella

Mandalorian Wars January contest set on Eres III: Revan considers what are acceptable losses.

Kid, you surprised me. This is is an interesting thought provoking piece. If I had voted, you would have gotten one.

Pick of the week.

Prelude
Diego Varen

Mandalorian Wars January contest: The calm before the storm…

Others have already said what I would have, and I agree with them on all points. Both constructive, and comments. A very good entry.

Welcome back.

Bitter
Bee Hoon

Mandalorian Wars January contest set after Malachor V: Revenge and regret

The piece is well done, and the primary negative I would have stated, the lack of POV, has already been addressed.

You’re allowed three votes at the Cantina, this gets one.

Healing the Enemy
Sabretooth

Mandalorian Wars January contest no specific campaign given: A captured medic makes a choice.

The story shows ST’s usual style and workmanship, making it a joy to read. However the story itself doesn’t gel with me and the problem is technical.

First, giving your parole in war is serious business. You don’t promise then take back your word. I know the practice has fallen out of favor in the last century and a half, but an honorable people would expect you to keep that word. As for the bracelet, it makes sense instead of assigning guards.

Second, if you have a medic, even one combat trained, it would make more sense to leave him either at your camp or at least behind the lines. Under the accepted rules of war, a wounded man had no side. Putting him in a situation where he has to choose between killing his own and killing you would force it.

Still, you did tie for the victory, and I would have voted for this if I did.

The Art of War: Opposites Attract
JediMaster12

Mandalorian Wars January contest set on Dxun: Two enemies must be allies if only for a time.

What can I say? The work was well done before I stuck my hand in, primarily giving JM12 technical advice. I can’t say I’d vote for it for the same reason I never vote for my own. This is at least in part (Technical and some beta) so I couldn’t vote for it.

Of course I never vote anyway (As the critic I don’t feel it’s proper)…

Urban Death
RakataDark

Set on Coruscant during the Alliance era: A typical day in the life of a cop… or so it would seem.

Some word usage problems, regimen not regiment. The basics are excellent, the building tension good. Keep it up.


kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

Seed
Joysweeper

KOTOR on Dantooine: Revan enters a new, yet familiar world.

Having read Joysweeper’s work I should never be amazed by how well the author does. There are no battles, all is introspection. Yet you get the feel of conflict, from her struggles against the Masters (Even if only questioning why) to viewing the lives and deaths of the animals around her.

You get the feeling from the character that finding the force is like putting on an old comfortable sweater, with all the joy you would have in finding that piece of clothing you thought long destroyed.

Like the other person that commented, I for one would wish for more.

Pick of the week.

The Trial of Bastila Shan
Satori

After KOTOR: The Senate holds a War Crimes Trial, opening statement by the Defense.

I agreed that this should have been a military or Jedi decision. But being a student of history, I know the way it should be is not always the way it is. Before WWII, War crimes were internal matters. Your general is accused of a crime and a court of inquiry, the accuser puts forward his evidence, the court deliberates, and if there is enough to try, they hold a court martial.

Nurnberg changed that. Suddenly War Crimes belonged not to those who had direct legal jurisdiction, but to the victors. Having read several books on the trials, I can tell you that it was a farce from the word go. The US had already approached the other Allies to convene those trials even though as Robert Jackson (A Supreme Court Justice and Prosecutor for the US) admitted, there was no precedent for such trials. The charges except for two were specious; A General, whose job it is to plan for a war and if it begins fight it to the best of his ability is a criminal if the enemy say it’s wrong?

Several times during those trials, the defense (At least of the military men) pointed out that the allies had done exactly the same thing and were admonished by both British and American judges at different times that ‘we are not on trial, you are‘.

The attitude of direct responsibility for officers and men below field rank (Major) was harped on, and the worst of that was that the only country that had such a view; that illegal orders need not be obeyed before 1944 were the defendants.

This is not a proper trial, it is a politically driven ploy. They can’t try the ones they want, so they settle for what they can catch. The defense merely has to prove that it is all cheap politics and it falls apart.

Pick of the Week.

Abomination
Jedi Serenity

After KOTOR: Carth and Revan face the same problem from different angles.

The time when Revan leaves is a little covered subject, primarily because it is so amphorous. We only know she left and Canderous was the last to see her.

The piece gives an excellent view of the subject, the parting and the sorrow it caused all around. Very well done.

The Huntress (Chapter One: The Prey)
Revan’s Pet Duck

During TSL on Nar Shaddaa; Mira contemplates her life, and dreams of finding something new.

The story is well written, and flows relatively well. The subject matter is well done because I for one (As others commented) like the red headed vixen. Keep it up.


Keeping Promises
Belladonna

Originally posted Sept 8th, 2006. This is my original review:

Set prior to the return of the Exile to Malachor; Revan where ever she may be hears Carth’s gentle plea.

The scene is perfect, and you can feel the angst Revan and the Exile have, along with Carth’s loneliness. Very well done!

Reprise Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-14-2008, 04:00 AM   #784
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Thanks for the review, Sir Mach! Glad to know I have a recognizable style now


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Old 03-14-2008, 09:06 AM   #785
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Thanks mach You just made my day!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 03-15-2008, 02:31 AM   #786
DeadYorick
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Thanks for the review. I thought I was being to unoriginal in my opinion. Thanks for keeping my head in the clouds


"There's gotta be a better way to make a living"
-Kyle Katarn
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Old 03-21-2008, 11:31 AM   #787
machievelli
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Obsession
Kattalez

During TSL after Nar Shaddaa: A silent watcher yearns for more.

Excellent work! The depth of the character is explored, the yearning deep enough that you can feel it with him.

Pick of the Week

Awakening
Peculiar

The Beginning of TSL: The Exile finds herself in an unfamiliar place

You used some words incorrectly; vents instead of events. Nothing that can’t be cured by editing.

A basic retelling, but still an interesting take. Keep it up.

Cleansing breath
Kattalez


Enroute to Onderon: Sequel to Who's afraid of the big bad kinrath? The Exile wonders what is happening between Atton and Kreia.

The piece is interesting in it’s view of the relationship between the trio. We as the reader (Or gamer as the case may be) know what’s going on, and the way the characters deal with it is of interest to us for that very reason.

Last to the Battle
Grimrabbit

First posted 29 Sept 2006, this is my original review;

The events after KOTOR

The author has captured the biggest problem I foresaw for Revan. You were the worst monster in history, you slaughtered everyone like a malevolent child (GR’s own phrase) and now you’re not sure if you will ever be accepted. Extremely well done.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Dreams Are Where Truth Sleeps
Amber Penglass

TSL After Onderon: Trying to calm someone in a nightmare leads to more complications.

The piece is well written, and flows well. The scene and it’s interruption was well done. The ending was cute. A bit of fluff by the admission of the author, but a warm bit of fluff.

Pick of the week.

A Lot to Forgive
Amber Penglass

TSL on Dxun at Freedon Nadd’s tomb: Atton faces the worst enemy imaginable.

Amber is a master of using elements of the game out of sequence on someone other than the one the game designers used. No fluff this time, just brutal hard honesty and a look into our favorite scoundrel.

Pick of the Week.

Who You Were, Who You Are
Master JuriJuice

TSL after Korriban and before Onderon: The thoughts in Atton’s mind about what he once was.

The piece was excellent right up to the last paragraph. As to that paragraph, it surpassed itself by becoming a sudden twist the rest had never given you.

Pick of the week.

I Know
Amber Penglass

TSL after Korriban follows A Lot to Forgive: The one best to heal is the one who knows what that wound is.

The scenes are well done, the style eminently Amber’s.

Pick of the Week.

The Big Bad Lord of Hunger
Yggdrasil

TSL The fight between the Guardian and Nihilus: So I wasn’t the only one who thought it was lame!

Written in stage script style, the scene is what we know, but taken with a funny twist. Yggdrasil has always one of the first I reviewed in this forum, and I eagerly await every post.

Pick of the Week.

Once He's Dead (Chapter One)
Revans Pet Duck
TSL after the climactic battle, returning to Telos: You don’t know what you have until it’s been lost…

The piece covers a part a lot of us ignore, what will happen if Atton dies and you have Mical in your party. The angst is well done, the mental interplay good.

Tinkering With a Droid
TWiNkLeT

TSL, no specific time given: Some people just aren’t good with machines…

The piece is light and fluffy, and by the author’s own admission, too short. I for one have never understood why the game insists on giving you side quests you really can’t do, this one in particular.

Pick of the Week.

Savin' Me Part 1
RogueLadySabyne

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: First you have to forgive yourself…

Looking into Atton’s mind is always an interesting journey and this is no exception. Having the dead woman like a ghost haunting him is a good point because as we can see, since he cannot forgive himself, he is not yet free of the past.

A pick of the week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-28-2008, 10:50 AM   #788
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Vremya ("Time")
Tysyacha

After TSL: The Exile contemplates a bleak future

The word is tends not intends.

The piece is an excellent bit of introspection, laced with flashbacks. Very well done

Pick of the week.

Jedi on Nar Shaddaa
Astor Kaine

No specific era given: A pair of Jedi set out on an arrest.

The piece needs some polish. As I always say; write, reread, edit, repeat until smooth.

All in all a nice bit of work for a first time. Welcome to the forum


kotorfanmedia

Dark Side Male Revan

A Den Of Hate Part 1
Lord Zeuss

KOTOR Enroute to Korriban: How hostility could be of help.

The piece started out choppy, but once the two Jedi begin interacting it begins to flow very well. The explanation of how he not only used the anger to create calm but also how he used the Force bond to speed his training was very well done.

Pick of the week.


Light Side Female Revan

An Unlikely Savior Ch.1 - The Endar Spire
Dragonknight337

KOTOR The Intro battle: A frantic run through the ship.

The style is workmanlike, the scenes well laid out, the dialogue refreshing. Keep it up.

THE END PART ONE (HOMECOMING)
TimemasterX

Before TSL: Revans set into motion her plan to travel into the Unknown Regions

The style is good, the situation clearly defined. Worth reading.

Light Side Female Exile

Redemption? My ass.
Artwork by Fizzingwhizbee Written by Fongeil

TSL On Korriban: The Exile and Atton one last mission together

Like Who You Were, Who You Are By Master JuriJuice from last week, this one surprised me. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Chapter One: Skewed Perceptions
Jakia75

Posted 20 Oct 2005 on the Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment
The Critic’s Two Cents and Starwarsknights.com The Critic returns
Set in TSL: Twin exiles on Peragus at the start.

There are spelling problems (Warn instead of worn) but any problems are minor.
The idea of twin Jedi is fun because they aren’t even close to the same. The girl is almost as strait-laced as Bastila as described in the intro, and the male reminds me of Han Solo from the original Star Wars movie. The dialogue between Lydia and Atton is a well done take off from the original script of the game, and the only line I would have changed would be when he commented that he had wanted to use a line, but didn’t. I would have changed it to have him say he threw it away, and have her reply, ‘That’s a pity, some poor kid might pick it up and use‘.


Reprise pick of the week.

KotOR III: Chapter 1 Of Exiles, Droids & Ghosts
Ravan

Five year after TSL: The Exile continues her search for Revan

The scene is well done, the weariness of the main character well portrayed. You can picture the Exile on the ragged edge, barely holding herself together. Worth reading more than once to get the flavor just right.

Pick of the week.

Before She Wakes
Codename SailorV

Before TSL: The Exile faces someone bent on revenge.

The piece is well done, the scene set with excellent relief. The end of the battle is almost anticlimactic. Another reviewer said there should be a sequel. I agree.

Pick of the week.

Kaze no Furu Sora
Wingedrevan

TSL After Malachor V: The Exile tries to hold herself back from the others.

The piece has it’s moments The worry not only over what she has become, but also how she could affect the others makes you want to read more.

The name, if you are curious translates loosely as The wind ruling the sky

Haunted One: Tears and Rain
RewenaR

TSL on Citadel Station after Malachor V: The Exile explains her decision to Atton and to herself.

The dialogue is excellent, though the speech was a bit confusing. The reasoning behind her decision is well thought out, and having to explain it to Atton gives us a glimpse into her mind.

Pick of the week.

And when it all becomes too much...
Darth Chibi

TSL after Dantooine: The Exile ponders what she will do next.

The piece is short. So short in fact that I was left feeling there should be more.

A well done vignette.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-28-2008, 11:36 PM   #789
Tysyacha
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Thank you for reviewing "Vremya" and selecting it as one of your noteworthy Picks!
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Old 04-04-2008, 11:08 AM   #790
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The Unfinished Tales: Forked
Bee Hoon

Just after the Mandalorian wars: The soon to be Exile and Kavar both consider the future.

The piece is well done, each first person section is clearly defined.

Pick of the week

Vincible
Tysyacha

Set in the legacy series: Jaina trains on Mandalore with Boba Fett.

The piece is well done, and interesting to read.

The Wrong Path
Darth Visilius

Set in the interim between TSL and The Rise of Darth Bane: A pair of Jedi face something they had not considered.

The basic structure is good, though as Rev7 already pointed out, it needs polishing. So, for the first time to you at least; reread, edit rewrite, and polish.

The story was interesting. The idea that a fallen Jedi has to lead the Sith is well explained.

Welcome to the forum, and here’s your first Pick of the week.

Radi Dvyx ("For The Sake of Two")
Tysyacha

After TSL: Sequel to Vremya, the Exile gets a job?

The piece is as good as the first section. Well worth the read.

Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest
Tysyacha

One of the funnier pieces I have read in quite a while.

You might have noticed I praised all your pieces this week but didn’t give you a pick of the week on any. There’s a reason for that.

You’re getting only one pick but it’s for all three.

The Fate of the Galaxy Hacker
Writer

Imperial Era: From the March ‘The things we do for love’ Challenge, A hacker gets sentenced.

Now this was interesting Writer. You set the scene well, had the interrogator work with casual efficiency, and the only sticking point is like others have already mentioned, it’s only a prologue.

I never vote on the contests as I have said several times, but I would have voted for this one.

Pick of the week

Darth Nihilus Chapter # 1:Hunger for life
Lord Nihilus

Set in the interim before TSL: From the March ‘The things we do for love’ Challenge, The planet Katarr attack, and Visas’ capture.

There were problems that could have been repaired by editing. You used the wrong words some times Scull (row) instead of skull, that kind of thing. All of which would have been easily corrected.

The basis is good, just needs some tweaking.

kotorfanmedia


Light Side Female Revan

In the End
DarthBubbles

KOTOR At the attack on the Star Forge: Revan worries about more than dying…

The characters are well portrayed the situation well defined. It was light and airy as angel food cake, and just as delightful.

Poisoned Past, Perilous Future
Bobgens001

KOTOR on the Rakata Home world after the Star Forge: Can Revan ever return?

The style is good, the scene well laid and the conflicting emotions perfect. I did agree that it is the same basic scene from the game, but it was exceedingly well done.

Now spread your wings and give us something even more interesting.

Pick of the week

Who I Am
Blaine Averre

KOTOR During the climactic battle on the Star Forge: Struck by doubts, can Marianna Revan Cast accept who she is now?

The piece flows well, and the scene is one little touched by most authors. Having the machine pick what kind of person she had become was an interesting twist I liked.

Saga of Faces
Aster Corbett

During KOTOR: Carth’s thoughts.

The piece is well laid out, the view inside Carth’s mind well done.

Remnants of Who We Were
TWiNkLeT

TSL, The tomb on Korriban: What is inside you?

The scene is relatively well done, but generic. All in all though well done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-04-2008, 11:47 AM   #791
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Hit me extra hard and inspire me to write several pieces this week, the Force did.

Thank you for selecting all three of my stories as "picks", I most enthusiastically do!
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Old 04-04-2008, 09:50 PM   #792
Bee Hoon
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Thanks so much for the kind comment and the pick of the week!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 04-10-2008, 07:27 AM   #793
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
and the only sticking point is like others have already mentioned, it’s only a prologue.

Thanks, Mach. The story's coming. I promise you.


Mom tells me I need brain food... but if writing ain't that, I don't know what is!

My work in progress:
Hidden Histories: The Galaxy Hacker

Have a read, give a review, yah?
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Old 04-11-2008, 01:58 AM   #794
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End of a War; Beginning Anew
Darth Visilius

Sequel on to The Wrong Path: The Jedi are unable to find out what is happening…

Remember when making a noun possessive, you have to add ‘s or s’ when it is plural or ends in ‘s‘. So foes life should have been foe’s life.

The dialogue is a bit stilted, and the action sequences too compressed. Remember to edit for flow.


To save time, I am doing the next two simultaneously:
Taak Rising Part 1
and
Taak Rising Part 2
Taak Farst

Part 1

One problem almost immediately. An officer does not have time to be the medic for a unit as well. Also most officers are going to be more upset by his men running from battle than a wounded man. Saving a life is important, but it has to be secondary to command responsibility. As an example, Robert Heinlien used the example of the Chesapeake versus the Shannon during the war of 1812. The commanding officer was wounded, and a midshipman left his post to take the man below. While he was gone, every officer senior to him was either killed or wounded badly enough that it left the 15 year old boy in command.

The court of inquiry ruled that as the senior officer, he was derelict in his duty as commanding officer.

Second, why is your hero shooting up ships from his own side? You don’t start shooting up your own vessels unless there is no alternative.

Part 2;

The story was going all right until you decided to have a Millennium Falcon prototype. This caused me to jar to a stop. Think of it this way:

The Trojan War is about to start, and Achilles is recruited. The Myrmidons board the Queen Elizabeth II…

The ship is 4,000 years in the future.

You used the wrong word in the fight at the Academy, because silence is broken, not broke.

Commentary on both:

The action is too compressed. You’re rushing the story. Think of a river. Instead of a steady flow, you’re creating rapids that make the reader actually have to slow down when they read it. Slow down the action, allow it to flow more naturally. Also your dialogue tends to be stilted. In the first section of part 1, it was all right, since you’re in a battle but the trend continued.

I know it sounds crazy, but write it out, then read it aloud. You will notice immediately where action and dialogue doesn’t feel right. Then correct it. And as I say to every new kid (And quite a number of older writers including myself) reread edit rewrite polish, repeat until smooth.

Svetlie ili Tyomnie? ("Light or Dark?")
Tysyacha

Sequel to Radi Dvyx: Trying to find a better job can be… frustrating

It’s disadvantageous.

The story flowed well, and kept my interest. Good work

Pick of the week.

The Big Swoop-id Race
Tysyacha

KOTOR on Taris: Sequel to Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest, the swoop bike race

I was chuckling by the time I finished it. The piece fits perfectly into the other two. The ’hero’ comes off more and more like the idiot of the group in my opinion, but hey, it works for me.

Pick of the week.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan:

Amazing
Rina Delwynn

After Revan‘s return: A day of remembrance.

The style is good, the story and scene well done. You did what I always tell people to do when using an existing holiday; make it new and different. I was almost wondering if you were going to add the line from the Vogel song Waltzing Mathilda.

Pick of the week.

What happens next? (Chapter1)
Mara Jade Skywalker

TSL: A brief interlude with the Exile and Atton, originally reviewed 5 January 2007 that review still stands:

After the confrontation on Malachor: An interlude between Atton and the Exile

The scene flows well, and is amusing in it’s own way. The Exile not sure if she should kill him or kiss him at one point is a nice touch.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

The Twenty-Third Sub-Basement, Part I
JediDWH

After TSL: A character comments on her version of reality, if you can call it that…

The story started out a bit weird but once it started rolling I almost fell over laughing. Having all of these sub-plots running through my own head at times, I not only understood where the author was going, but could almost see where it might be going. Hey, JediDWH, how about you send me the complete work? That way I can get a chance to read it.

Pick of the week.

Cave's Echo
Alexandra

Originally reviewed 19 January 2007. Original review below

During KOTOR: Revan feels a link to the future and marks a path for those that follow.

The style is good, the wording a bit stilted, but it flows well and needs only polishing.

The biggest problem I have with the DS/LS argument is the way people look at the sides. If you are Dark Side you automatically revel in every possible debauchery while your light side opponent can’t even think about it because it will turn them to the darkside. You go directly from St Francis of Assisi to Vlad the Impaler with no middle ground.

Not everyone does this, but it does irk me and this work brought it to the fore.

Good stuff, Alexandra.

Reprise Pick of the week.

The Huntress' Redemption
TWiNkLeT

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Some memories of Mira

The piece is good. It doesn’t follow the basic story but that isn’t a negative, only a comment.

Keep it up.

Ghosts of the past-Chapter One
The Disciple

PreKOTOR: The battle of Malachor V.

Some cumbersome sentences and words. It’s command not commandership, and the words out of in ‘from out of Republic space’ are redundant.

The basic are good, the only stumbling block the question someone else asked; who threw her in that life pod?

Well done.

Moping in the Dark
Animeangel

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Can Atton tell the truth about himself?

The piece is interesting in the setting more than anything else. Having Atton act like a teenager moping about (Which fit the way he was acting) was choice. Nicely done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-11-2008, 08:36 AM   #795
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Once again, you made my day. Thanks, Mach!
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Old 04-18-2008, 02:49 AM   #796
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Teachings of a Mandalore
JediMaster12

During KOTOR: A little advice about love from Canderous

The piece flows well, the scene interesting in that the advice is delivered with a beating.

Davik Kang's Going DOWN!!!
Tysyacha

KOTOR on Taris: Sequel to The Big Swoop-id Race: The incident in Davik Kang’s abode with a twist…

Usually I get irritated when people when they link the game into the fiction directly, but the screaming to pause when the hero find a ‘hot’ Sith among the slaves was just too good. The main character is still too ridiculous for words, but that is what makes this little piece so much fun.

Odin Podarok, Pyat' Sudyeb: "One Gift, Five Destinies"
Tysyacha

After TSL: Sequel to Svetlie ili Tyomnie? "Light or Dark?", Now where do we go?

In one sentence you have dialogue that sounds like both are speaking. If so, you forgot a conversation break.

The basics are good, the story flowing along well. More please.

You did it again. A shared pick of the week

Afraid
Uilleand

KOTOR on the Star Forge: Told mainly in flashbacks, Revan explores fear.

The style is up to you usual standards, and well worth the read.

You explored (in a manner similar to the one I used in my KOTOR) the one thing that has consistently bugged me about the Jedi attitude. How can you deal with emotions without understanding and accepting them?

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Light side Exile

Forced Bonds
Codename SAILORV

TSL after Korriban: The exile dreams of her last meeting with Revan and Malak.

An interesting perspective on why the Exile is able to begin her bonds with others. I did enjoy the way you made Malak more human, and the idea that Revan would have erased her memory fits in. Well done.

Pick of the week.

Prologue: Into the Dusk
TWiNkLeT

Originally reviewed back in February of 2007. The original review is below.

After KOTOR: Revan leaves but not without regrets.
The story is nicely done, and the way it ends is really good. It doesn’t follow canon, since Revan had both HK and T3 with her when she left, along with the ship itself, but I wouldn’t have noticed it if someone hadn’t gifted me with a copy of TSL back in July for my Birthday.

Reprise pick of the week

Emptiness Part 1
Revangoddess

After Malachor V: Revan makes her move, forcing the Exile to decide.

You used the wrong word sometimes. Bare (without covering) instead of bear(carry). This is an editing problem so it is no biggie.

The story was well done. The only thing that disturbed me, mainly in moving away from the basic game itself was why both the Exile and Bao-Dur would later consider themselves responsible when someone else caused the super-weapon to fire when it did.

Carousing
Vlork

Before the Jedi enter the Conflict: How did the Jedi get away without being noticed?

All of the editorial comments I can think of have been stated by others, so I will only say, reread, edit, rewrite polish until smooth.

That said, I don’t know what I expected, but what I got was choice. The pece is amusing, the logic of the young Knights as to why the masters needed to learn solid, and the outcome outrageous. Both the method for gaining permission (Having dealt with a hung over superior before, I know it would work) and the almost childish tone of the note were perfect.

Pick of the week.

Reverie of Darkness
RogueLadySabyne

TSL Enroute to Dxun: Atton shows his dark side with a twist…

As I have said before, the evil Atton stories so far have been few and far between, but this one surprised me with the ending. It was well done, and both parts while diametrically opposite, are worthy of attention.

Pick of the week.

Acid Etched
Elena

TSL After battle of Citadel Station: What is the Exile offering to Bao-Dur?

The piece was well done except for a few forgotten conversation breaks. This of course is an editing problem. Just remember to reread edit and rewrite, and this will be cured.

The story was excellent. Having the Exile come on to him is balanced perfectly by his unwillingness to accept the offer. Both characters are made more real and human by this vignette.

Pick of the Week

Drunk Actualities
Revan’s Pet Duck

TSL Trapped on Malachor V: A sequel to Drunk Realities. It is said misery loves. Never thought being drunk had the same problem…


The scene flowed well. The only problem I had was the timing of the event.

All in all a good funny read.

Feeling of Freedom
Alexandra

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A sense of Freedom is something to be nurtured.

Anything negative has already been said, so there is no need to repeat it.

The scene flowed well, the argument happening in a free flow that was excellent.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-24-2008, 11:07 PM   #797
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Vremya, Opyat' "Time, Again"
Tysyacha

After TSL: Sequel to "One Gift, Five Destinies", How much does your companion need to know?

You used the term half-so, which confused me when I first read it. Partially would have been better.

Not as good as the last few, kid, but nicely done.

Teh End, or The Party's Over
Tysyacha

KOTOR On Taris: The end of the "I'm Here for the Party" series, The escape from Taris, and our hero is still kvetching…

The primary problem I had with this one was it was too short. The piece fits in with the rest, and is amusing to read.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

Birthday Cake
Tatooine92

KOTOR On Tatooine: A surprise birthday party has some unexpected side effects…

The piece is nicely done, and just fluffy enough to be enjoyable.

There are Gizka
Aster Corbett

KOTOR Enroute to Dantooine: When in doubt, compose a poem?

The piece is well done, fluffy and cute.

Sorry, though, just not to my tastes.


Light Side Female Exile

Data Packets of Love
Raven Chick123

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Did she really see it?

The piece was sort of silly, and fun to read. Nicely done and leaving you wondering if it was true.

Pick of the week

A double eternity
Nadia

Originally posted March 9th 2007, original review below:

Set two or more years after TSL: Carth and Atton limp toward Manaan expecting to find their Jedi lovers and discover so much more.

Minor word use problems mainly in terms. Calling a Selkath ‘man’. The writing is a bit stilted but that is what editing and proofreading is for. Other wise well done,

Note on Canon: The only ones we see use telepathy are Kreia, the Exile and Mira during one scene. The Force bond between Revan and Bastila were never explained as telepathy, only that they would ‘know’ what the other was thinking about. So I don’t know if this would really fit into the canon.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

I will not forget
Aminta Jae



Originally posted March 9th 2007, original review below:

Approximately five years after TSL: With both of their men at war; Revan and the Exile recieve the worst news any woman in that position can receive. Companion piece to we change for those we love.

The style is excellent, the scene crisp and clear. The reaction by both women and children as clear as if they were our own families. This piece cannot be praised enough.

Reprise Pick of the Week


First Few Steps
Lady of Arrakis

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: One word can push all the wrong buttons…

The piece was good, though you had some word usage problems. Read instead of red, that kind of thing. Nothing that rereading and editing won’t cure.

The reason behind her problem is excellently portrayed, the way Atton reacts to the tale charming. The end is humorous as well.

Pick of the week.

Undivided Attention
Elena

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: The things you do to calm a friend down…

The piece has some funny twists, the idea of not having such an obvious place for him to keep the family jewels just the most obvious. Having him get blindsided was my favorite scene.

A Timeless Moment
Drask Damak

TSL Nar Shaddaa after Atton’s revelation: Take a chance Atton!

The piece is well written, a choice vignette with an excellent name.

Pick of the Week.

Her
Revan’s Pet Duck

TSL After Dantooine: The Disciple wishes to more that the knight sans per, sans reproache…

The piece is an interesting view from within the Disciple’s mind. The unrequited love is well portrayed.

Escape
Alexandra

TSL Aboard Goto’s Yacht: A bit of tit for tat between the Exile and Atton.

An interesting piece, with a lot of fun attached. Very well done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 04-25-2008 at 06:46 PM. Reason: wrong url
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Old 04-25-2008, 04:05 PM   #798
JediMaster12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli
Teachings of a Mandalore
JediMaster12

During KOTOR: A little advice about love from Canderous

The piece flows well, the scene interesting in that the advice is delivered with a beating.
Where is the love? Just kidding. Thanks again for the review. I worked quite a bit on this one. I wanted something about Canderous since his character has grown on me in many ways.

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Old 05-01-2008, 11:46 PM   #799
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The Jedi, Reloaded
Tysyacha

KOTOR During escape from Taris: Damn those cheat codes!

I wasn’t sure whether to groan or laugh when I saw it, Tys. Or is this insult to injury?
Still a riot.

P'yanitsa "Barfly"
Tysyacha

Continuation of the Vremya series: Yet another person with a past.

A very interesting introduction. Like the others that have read the series to date, I am sure I can identify our new character, and will enjoy seeing more of the series.

[Episode II-III Fic] I, Vader
Tysyacha

Scenes from both Episodes II and III: Told from Anakin’s viewpoint.

The scenes are laid out in an interesting style, with some unique view of what was occurring. I am more interested in seeing the rationalization of murdering the youngling myself.

You got a pick of the week for two, Tys. Those who know me will figure out which two, and why the other was not picked. The first one to tell us which one was not picked and why gets a Whatever Prize.

KotOR the untold story
OfficerDonNZ

Pre-KOTOR: Events from another perspective.

You forgot some words, such as ‘I’ve found the location (0f) something’ and used the incorrect words such as scanse and Something’s instead of some things. You also have a problem with run on sentences. None of these is a major problem. Just remember, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish until smooth.

The basic idea of the story is interesting enough to keep me going, and that is one of the most important parts of any fiction.

The Last Lesson
Darth Bender

No specific era given: The last meeting between a Sith Apprentice and his master.

You forgot some words, such as ‘I must admit though, (I) am surprised that you come to confront me face to face‘ and ’It is the nature (of) the Dark Side,’ and used the wrong words (It(’s) inevitable demise). This is an editing problem, so no worries.

The discussion was interesting but I had a problem with the end. In any situation where you are going to use something like poison gas, you would need to remember the antidote. After all, having both die is unnecessary.

The Great Dark War
Arcesious

Sometime in the future of the Star Wars Universe: A supership begins a reign of terror.

Problems with word usage such as liberally (With little restraint) instead of literally (Almost completely). This is an editing problem.

Technical note: If you are going to create a super technology, remember that some thing never really change. A ship 7200 kilometers long is greater that the diameter of the planet Earth, but would not have enough room aboard for a 32 billion man crew. Plus, the amount of energy required to move the vessel is greater than anything at present imagined. If you have figured out what this would be, let me know.

A Broken Mind
Mr BFA

TSL beginning at Nar Shaddaa: The descent of a dark lord
There are editing problems, but nothing that a mere polish wouldn’t cure.

An interesting work in almost painful detail of the descent of a dark Exile. A perfect return for our prodigal son. Welcome back, kid.

Pick of the week

Knights of the Old Republic: Light and Shadow
Lord Spitfire

KOTOR From the Endar Spire to Star Forge:

The main problem I had was with terminology. As much as the game called it ‘sniping’ (The correct term not sniper) the correct term is ‘aimed fire’ compared to burst fire. When writing fiction you have to remember that your readers might not have played the games. There are ways to carry the same weight without using the terms in question. Look at the work of Stingersh, and Jae Onasi among others.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Exile

The Love Star
Aminta Jae

Three Years after TSL: The Exile reminisces, and sheds a tear for her lost love…

The piece is well written, the story a bit of legend that deserves it’s place. I enjoyed it immensely.

Pick of the week.

A Drunk Reunion
StarWars Chick

After TSL: Nothing like a drunken party…

There were word usage problems, nothing a mere edit will not cure.

The basis of the story was well done, the end a riot. Well done.

I Have a Good Feeling About This...
Jelenedra

TSL on Dxun: Can Atton open up to the woman he loves?

You forgot a word (See the first sentence mentioning Dejarik) and had some cumbersome sentences a bit later. Nothing an edit wouldn’t cure.

That said the basics of the story are good the idea well portrayed. All in all excellent work

Pick of the week

No One is Beneath Redemption
Nivenus

TSL During the Korriban mission: A view into Kriea’s philosophy.

The work is dreary, but I enjoyed it because it reveals a good idea of what she consistently believed behind all that disparagement of the Light Side of the Force. A tour de Force

Pick of the Week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-02-2008, 01:11 AM   #800
The_Catto
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Thanks, Mach. It's been too long since I posted something! Editing has gone underway and hopefully I more polished, and completed version will be up in no time.

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