The Critic's 2 cents

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

It's Just A Little Thing
Jae Onasi
*
Post KOTOR: A relic is found, a final farewell given

Jae you never surprise me. When it’s your work I know it will be thought provoking. The emotional content was well shown, even to the inscription.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Introductions and Partings
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Continuation of Tret'ye Srazhenie; The team receives their final admonitions before departure.

Flow is good, the humor at seeing what to them is an antique manned by droids as old was amusing.

Mass Effect II: Reaping: Sha'ira's Prophecies
Tysyacha

NonSW: Continuation of Reaping; A seer gives each of the crew their veiled future.

The story is moving well, the Consort is an interesting additions, especially the differing view of exactly what her role is.

Journey to Paris
Astor Kaine

Non SW: Continuation of In Pursuit of Glory; The hero is assigned an important mission, betrayal.

The characters are well portrayed, the bullying officer perfectly created and overturned. As always, historically correct.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia


Light Side Female Revan

Unorthodox Methods
Koon

KOTOR on Tatooine: What affect did the gizka poison really have?

I looked at this, remembering the scene in the game, then began to chuckle. All you know about the poison is that it caused the animals to attack each other, but having it affect humans was the height of humor. The last line as another commented, was choice.

Pick of the week

Light Side Female Exile

Paths of Hatred
General San 3

TSL Enroute to Korriban: Bao-Dur must find his own path

The story was excellently done, the focus on how the force is used intriguing and I would say quite accurate. The idea of harnessing your anger, the Jedi having a specific style that uses it, but worry about using it was thought provoking. The same basic idea was mentioned in the EU book Shatterpoint, and the style used by Mace Windu with the same arguments for and against.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side Male Exile

Our Paths Cross Once Again
Pimp3dout335

Four years after the end of KOTOR: A fateful meeting.


Misfiled as Dark Male Revan this has a dark Female Revan. The story is well done but as others have pointed out, was rushed and the ending a bit contrived. The mechanics are good however, so I expect to see more from you.

Healing the Force, Chapter 1
AdylinJ

Post TSL: As a Dark Exile begins his pursuit of a Dark Revan, a child of the Force is sent out to heal it.

The story began a bit slowly, and gave me the idea that the Force is not only alive but sentient as well. An intriguing thought

Pick of the Week

Reminisce
DarthCollin44

PreTSL: What if you didn’t have to add a character?

The piece was well done, getting into Atton’s head very well.

The premise was one I had considered myself. What if you could decide not to add a character? In a lot of cases (Jolee on Kashyyk or Mira on Nar Shaddaa for example) you know their lives will just go on. But Atton is in a situation where he’s going die when the planet goes.

Redemption
Revan Sama

TSL on Malachor V: No one is beyond redemption.

The piece was so short I found myself trying to find the rest. It was well written and considered.

My Sin and My love
Revan Sama
During TSL, no specific time given: Kreia’s thought on her padawan are more than you might think.

It was an interesting take on the relationship between Kreia and the Exile.

The Death of the Force
AkroOrka

TSL on Dantooine: What if it was all a sham?

I enjoyed this take, as another reviewer commented, because the scene between the Masters and Exile was too pat. No real discussion, just ‘we’re right, you’re wrong’. The idea as well that Kreia was training the Exile because she knew
Revan needed help was even better. Accepting her role as villainess was perfect.

Pick of the Week

[Astor]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Journey to Paris
Astor Kaine

Non SW: Continuation of In Pursuit of Glory; The hero is assigned an important mission, betrayal.

The characters are well portrayed, the bullying officer perfectly created and overturned. As always, historically correct.

Pick of the Week

Thanks for the review, Mach!

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Old Friends, New Allies
Tysyacha

NonSW: Chapter seven of Tret'ye Srazhenie, Into the lion’s den?

The story is flowing well, the sense of walking into a lion’s den unaware very well portrayed for those who read the previous series.

Mass Effect II: Reaping: Peter's Perfect Plan
Tysyacha

NonSW: Chapter 6 of Reaping; a possible threat is revealed.

The first part dragged a bit, mainly I think because of the PG13 rating of the site. I’m mentally working on two different things as you all know, and one of them will have the same problem in a few chapters. But it’s going well.

Untitled fantasy
Jae Onasi

NonSW: A battle and heroic death

As others said, the work is clearly good, though so far we have seen, there isn’t much plot yet. Of course saying the work is good is like saying the sun will rise, you always do good work.

Pick of the Week

Revan's Revenge
Lord Of Destruction

PreKOTOR: The Birth of Revan, and his destiny foreshadowed.

All of the negatives that can be said so far have already been voiced. Beyond that there is not enough to get a feel for proper critiques.

Welcome to the forum

The Crimson Tide
Admiral Thrawn

No specific universe given: A tide of red drives them mad…

The work is relatively good, the complaints already voiced echoed. There was no real feel for the characters, but that is because they are almost puppets. This is an editing problem, since the reader has to feel something for the character, whether good bad or neutral in the scheme. Even the one viewing was two dimensional.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

Mock-Heroic
Koon

KOTOR Beginning: The start of the game, with a twist

I agreed with others that your keeping Trask alive was a good idea. His death was merely a way to cut the main character off from others.

I liked the characterization of the Main character, primarily because she is merely a shadow in the game unless you personalize her yourself.

What is Right: Chapter 1
Alrin Jast

PostTSL: A visit of hope ends…

The piece is interesting in the interplay. Like anyone who has betrayed a trust, Atris must first forgive herself, as the Exile in the piece must mourn her dead and move on. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side Male Exile

Worth
Cellotix

PreKOTOR: How much must be given up for victory?

The piece is cold and heartless, and worth reading all the way through.

Pick of the Week

Lies
Revan Sama

Post TSL: The final meeting between Revan and the Exile

The piece was interesting but too short for my tastes.

Heartless
Rainpool

TSL Aboard Ravager: The title says it all.

I spent several minutes after reading this wondering at the evil in men’s hearts. I have never played the game from the evil side, but this was just too good. If they ever make a version compatible with Vista, I’m definitely going to prowl the dark side at least once.

Pick of the week.

The Third Order: Chapter 1
Daimonoth

There’s a few places where you left out words. Nothing major, I have the same problem when the idea is flowing hot and heavy.

The story itself was perfect. A logical path from start to finish. Another time I wish I could read everything.

Pick of the Week

Vode An, 1
Darthjuma

PreTSL: On Kashyyk a Mandalorian chieftain tells the young girl Mira why he saved her.

The piece is smooth, flowing easily from scene to scene. A pity I don’t have time to read it all.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Reflections
Chevron 7 Locke

Before ANH: Old enemies meet, and perhaps can be friends

All of the commentary by others is cogent, especially DY’s comments about how Ventress might be a bit anxious seeing him again. I just wish you’d read Dark Rendevous, because her arguments for dark against light were not based on gain. I really wanted to see more.

Pick of the Week

So Much Death
LordOfTheFish

No specific era given: A sacrifice goes awry.

Problem with homonyms. I understand trying to hurry to get it written but a little proofreading goes a long way.

The basics are good, though we could have used a bit more explanation.

Lure and Conquer
Darth Betrayal

PostKOTOR, though time passed not specified) Revan remembers the past

As LOTF said, it’s really too short to get a good feel for. Let’s see more.

Silence
Bee Hoon

During the period of KOTOR and TSL: What is so attractive about the Dark Side?

The piece flows, giving us a unique view of why the dark side is a good idea. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week


KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Mind, Body, and Soul
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Chapter 8 of Tret'ye Srazhenie; The travelers are sent after others, but for those of us who know…

The story is flowing well, and some good descriptions and style are just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week

Mass Effect II: Reaping: Nervous on Noveria
Tysyacha

NonSW fiction: Chapter 7 of Reaping; The corporations have a secret. What is it?

The story is flowing well, Tys. The growth of the characters is interesting.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

Nexus
PrincessJaden

KOTOR on the Unknown world: Everyone scrambles to repair the ship and discover what is happening on this strange world.

Nothing major to ding you on, the biggest problem for me was that it was just a generic retelling of the scenes.

Technical note: Having the natives armed with vibroblades is odd. As an example, from the 18th century on, most natives, unless working as Sepoy troops had little or no understanding of the weapons they were issued. A writer commenting on 19th to early 20th century Africa commented that the natives in the bush tended to fire a rifle until they ran out of ammunition, then threw them away and picked up another when they could. Unlike a knife spear or arrow, the required technology to manufacture ammunition or supply power is nonexistent. All of the weapons that might have arrived, vibro-blades, light sabers, projectile and especially blasters have a finite amount of ammunition or power, and would run out. At that point they become either unwieldy clubs.

Light Side Female Exile

Pazaak
PrincessJaden

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Why does Atton play pazaak in his head?

No major problems. You could edit and polish a bit but I would say that to Earnest Hemingway.

While a basic generic retelling of the scene the use of Atton’s viewpoint instead of the Exile’s tilted it enough that it was no longer the same old story.

Dark Side Male Exile

Dawn of the Meta: Abnutzungskrieg - Prologue
Reznor’sGhost

Ten years after Malachor V: The Exile explains his actions to an unnamed chronicler.

The piece is stark and cold from the start, and so well done I wish I had time to go back and read every chapter as it is posted.

Pick of the Week

Light Side Male Revan

Shattered Knight, Chapter 1: An End to All Council
Tim Radley

PostKOTOR: What punishment will Revan suffer for his actions? And who hunts him now?

The story dragged a bit at the start. I could understand Revan’s view of the situation, and expected it would continue.

Silly me.

Once the action started, it didn’t stop, and I was dragged willingly along for a thrill ride.

This is one of the stories I wish I could read from end to end.

Pick of the Week

The Revenant Saga, Chapter 1 - The Descent.
Vyperhand

KOTOR After Leviathan: Revan deals with Bastila’s loss

The piece was excellent. Bastila admitting even by one remove, that she loved him, Carth not the heartless monster that forgot all the good and focuses on the past. Even the music.

Pick of the Week

Solitary, Chapter One
Phoenix Dfire

After KOTOR, no specific period given: Carth brings what might be bad news.

The intro was a bit too short for me. But using HK47 as a training aid, having a cook who sounds like he’s serving dishwater, very good.

Pick of the Week

[Bee Hoon]

Thanks for the review and the pick of the week!

[Tysyacha]

I second that!

[LordOfTheFish]

Thanks, again Mach.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The End of an Era
LordMcGuffin

KOTOR on Tatooine: A Mando considers this present plight.

There isn’t much, but what I see needs work. First, remember; reread, edit, rewrite. Second, everything is one long paragraph that by my estimate, should be three.

The basics are good but as I said, there’s not a lot to go with so far.

Welcome to the Forum.

The Dantooine Mission
Alkonium

90 years after ANH: A Jedi is betrayed

Remember conversation breaks. Otherwise the reader isn’t sure who is talking. Pacing is important too, you mentioned (Warning the reader unnecessarily) that the transmitter would not work. However what about the ship? My question is addressed below:

Technical note: Military operation have their own rhyme and reason because there are procedures set in stone in any military organization. First, a commander would not go down alone or without clear commo protocols without specifying it to his subordinates, something we did not see. Second, in a possible hostile environment, such as a reinforcement mission, there would be time periods for communication, and in such a situation, jamming would be considered. If you had not heard from the advance party within X amount of time (And three hours is far too long) someone aboard would have gone to plan B, which if I were that officer, would have been a landing assuming the advance party was already captive, I.E., assault landing assuming a hostile force rather than an administrative landing (One assuming all forces below to be friends).

That’s the advantage of studying military history for almost 46 years, kid.

Yes, I agree with the commander; more.

Point of View
Chevron 7 Locke

NonSW set in Naruto Universe: Death reveals many secrets.

The basics are good C7L. My biggest problem is I never got into Naruto, so it was a bit confusing. I liked the Kitsune effect, though never thought the gentle tricksters were governed by anger.

Answers
Adavardes

No specific era given: A fateful meeting must end in death

Jae has already given you a thorough critique much better than I would have, so I will merely address the overall work.

The basics are good, and as much as I lambaste people about not having a reason for going to the dark side, this is a perfect example of what I mean. The character obviously made a decision as a young man, and bad or good lived with it. But at the same time, he stayed true to what he believed, which fits neither the Sith nor the Jedi.

Tret'ye Srazhenie: An Echani Obsessed
Tysyacha

Post TSL: Chapter nine of Tret'ye Srazhenie, The team arrives on Corellia

The story is flowing well, and the background from another point of view is interesting. I am enjoying reading this, Tys.

Pick of the Week

Mass Effect II: Reaping: Peak 13--What a Shock!
Tysyacha

NonSW fiction: Chapter eight of Reaping, the investigation begins, but immediately runs into trouble.

The interplay between the characters was good, the description of the vehicle well done. However why didn’t they bring artic survival gear?

Keep it going.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Male Revan

KoTOR Bits, Chapter 1: Tatooine
Mila

KOTOR on Tatooine: The holocron is found, and returned, while Revan tries to deepen the relationship between him and Bastila.

The main problem, using quotation marks only occasionally, and conversation breaks has been addressed.

The story is well done, filling out the scenes, though I missed the fight.

A Warm Reception
Sebastian DeLaOsa

Post KOTOR: At the wedding reception for Bastila and Revan, Canderous has some fun.

The piece was light, fluffy, and outrageous. Expecting Canderous to say please to get a cigar was choice, and the way they were lit was even funnier. Having been through this from both ends, I understood Canderous’ sarcastic comment near the start, and his sarcastic toast at the end even more.

Pick of the Week

A Friendly Wager
Sebastian DeLaOsa

KOTOR after the destruction of the Star Forge: Three unlikely people settle a bet.

Like the previous work, this one was cute and fun to read. I agreed with Shadowplay about Mission stories and antics. I’m just sorry I didn’t start with this segment of the forum back in 2006.

Pick of the Week

Palisade of Broken Dreams, Chapter 1
LightSeeker

KOTOR on Lehon: Revan now has to decide what to do with his life.

The deep thoughts of Revan intermixed with the argument between Jolee and HK was well done. The comments from both humans when HK tried to cheer them up was perfectly in character.

Revenant: Chapter One: Open Wounds
Hobnob Rev

KOTOR on Lehon: Both Revan and Bastila wonder if they are worth saving…

The in depth brooding of both Revan and Bastila struck a cord in me. The problem with the game is that it’s over, they won, they’re heroes, that’s it. But the author drags us back into real life. Hero or not will Revan be accepted by the Galaxy? Can Bastila be accepted if an emotion is why she returned?

This is one of those works I wish I had time to read completely.

Pick of the Week

Redemption
Wraithfighter

Post TSL: Revan and the Exile meet in combat

It’s been a long time; Aug 2007 to be precise since I have reviewed Wraithfighter’s work. This piece is excellent. I enjoyed the comment by Revan at the end because it puts everything he had done before and since into a perspective we can all understand and appreciate. It’s been a long time, and you didn’t get the nod then, WF, but you did with this one;

Pick of the Week

[Alkonium]

About doing more, I won't be adding to The Dantooine Mission, but I'll probably be making more set in my RP Series' Alternate Timeline, and possibly attempting to persuade JediMaster12 to write something involving her characters.

[Kado Sunrider]

awesome.

I didn't even know this existed. AND I received PotW without even knowing it. lol

Thanks for the reviews Mach, can't wait for a review of my next story.

[machievelli]

This week I’m going to address something that bothers all of us who do write here.

That is silence from our readers.

I know there is no rule that you have to post a comment, but anything, even a ‘read’ which is what I post on those reviewed in bygone days would do for some of us though ‘read and liked’ or ‘read and hated it’ would be better. There are three authors this week, all of whom I considered pick of the week that have had this problem, and considering how good that work was, I was appalled.

All right, I’m done venting.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

A Lost Journal
Kyvios

No specific period given: A series of tests proves what our hero is made of.

A minor problem with homonyms, should be faze(affect) instead of phase (change).

As others have commented the work is interesting and flowing well. Very interesting.

Pick of the Week

Returning Home
Chevron 7 Locke

Post TSL: Revan and the Exile return, and some old friends meet.

I had to agree with Mr BFA, Chev; It was good. Unlike him I was looking for errors, but saw nothing major. The story is going well, and I hope to see more.

Pick of the Week

The Value of Cheating
Adavardes

Clone War Era: A pair of Jedi investigate of all things, a card game

The biggest problem I noticed was while you have a good grasp of description, you tend to make overlong sentences.

For example; ‘Indeed, the environment was so comfortable to those of a less than honorable nature, that few would question or even notice the two cloaked figures drifting slowly out of the rain, moving to an inconspicuous seat near the stage where a pink-skinned Twi’lek woman with a tantalizing figure, and the facial features to match, danced provocatively for the eager males surrounding her, staring up at her with awe and lust’ had me wondering if I should concentrate on curves or suspicious characters.

A minor point; predatory species that would later evolve into sentience would not consider a smile a greeting. As many writers have pointed out, a canine or feline predator would define a show of teeth as a threat. Reptilian ones with teeth would likely also consider a show of teeth as aggressive.

Technical: Transdosian should be Trandoshan

That being said, I liked the master your created, and as much as others commented it was un-Jedi to allow such a crime, I think it would fit in better because the law must have consideration of intent. He reminded me of Sherlock Holmes patiently explaining to Watson how he deduced something from simple clues that had been ignored by others.

Pick of the Week

Initiation
Kado Sunrider

No era given: A Jedi mediates, and finds a new Jedi Prospect

Some convoluted sentences As an example this one; ‘Three weeks ago, the Jedi council had recieved word of a dispute between two dens of issues that needed a mediator, the smaller of the dens had requested a Jedi mediator, as a member of one of the other dens may be biased against one group or the other’ would have looked better like this:

‘Three weeks ago the Jedi council had recieved word of a dispute between two dens that needed a mediator. The smaller of the dens had requested a Jedi mediator as some members of one of the other den were biased.’ When editing I trimmed it for esthetics. First, every dispute has more than one reason behind it, and mentioning bias while necessary, the reason for that bias would be found in the course of mediation.

That being said, I wish all of those lurkers would say something. 36 hits without even a comment is average for this site, and it irritates me as much as it does this author.

The style is neat and crisp, the basics are excellent, needing only application of my standard mantra, reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. So maybe I’ll get you off your posteriors;

Pick of the Week

The Rise of Prussia
Admiral Thrawn

Historical fiction: Prussia begins it’s rise.

The work needs to be edited to polish it up. As an example, the sentence ‘in which many merchant's sailed to for the fortune of a lifetime‘ would have read better as ‘to which many merchant's sailed for the fortune of a lifetime’.

My primary complaint is regarding the main character who is no more than a distant narrative voice. His rank and position is not given, his promotion not logical considering the times, which is addressed below:

Technical: Up until the very early 19th Century, the only western armies that had direct merit ‘battlefield commissions’ was the US Army and the French under Napoleon. Most officer of European armies still had commissions they bought and sold like stocks, where your lineage was more important than your capability.

The only rank you could not buy was General, which was a direct commission given by the crown. However there was even a catch to this. If you accepted a General’s rank, your colonel’s commission became a possession of the crown rather than yourself, something a junior level bureaucrat could sell. Many officers before the Crimea even resigned rather than give up that money.

By the mid 19th century this was changing, and England went to the strange ends of literally buying all of those commissions from their officers so that by the dawn of the 20th century, they now belonged not to the officers, but to the government.

Badfic: Knuckles (Find the Mistakes!!!)
Tysyacha

Set in the wrong time: Darth Vader sends out an assassin.

Tys it was funny, I’ll admit. As for the contest, consider this; When I was working on Family of Choice, you were the first to voice the threat that you would misspell every word, echoed by Endorenna. So I’ll pass.

Light Side Female Exile

kotorfanmedia

Insomnia
Bluestar705

TSL Enroute to Korriban: Three weeks after Atton’s revelation, perhaps they can heal the rift.

The only negative I can find were already addressed by Cellotlix and PrincessJaden. The distance forced by the revelation needs closing, and while you hurried it and slightly bent Atton’s character in the process, I did enjoy it.

Light Side Male Revan

On Ice's Edge
Rawtooth

Post KOTOR: Carth bares his heart to the one he loves.

This is an rare one primarily because of the pairing. It is one of the possibilities I will admit, and a lot of fun because I had yet to see it specifically. I had to agree with others though. We need to see more to be sure it would work.

Pick of the Week

One Last Time
Sebastian DeLaOsa

35 years after KOTOR: Bastila and Revan say goodbye.

I had to think before writing this review, primarily because it was a bit of a surprise. I decided not to wax lyrical. The angst was well done, the farewell perfect. I enjoyed the last paragraph, it was the perfect counterpoint.

Pick of the week.

The Prodigal Knight: Prologue
Twilightman

A year after KOTOR on Korriban: Another dark lord rises

The piece flows well, giving us a link between KOTOR and the events happening. The newest bad guy is as bad as you might want

A pity no one commented on it since the initial post back in 2005. If you’re still out there, I hope this makes you feel better.

Pick of the Week

Connections
JediQB

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Bastila reveals more of her emotions than you might believe; without saying a word.

The piece has been praised so much the only thing I can think to add at this late date is this:

Pick of the Week

Prelude: Fractures
Aaron Lightblade

Four years after KOTOR: Bastila is gone, but not…

The piece is excellent! But here again is an author who hasn’t got comments about his work. Cut us some slack people!

Pick of the Week

[Kado Sunrider]

Awesome.

I'll definitely fix that sentence. If you noticed anything glaringly obvious, drop me a message. Do you mind if I copy/paste that right into the story?


EDIT: I also edited the story post to state the time, 29 years BBY.


EDIT2: BTW, I agree with your statement on commenting more. Lately I've been bumping up threads that have started to drop off, and the author is posting chapters back to back. No feedback. Namely, Darth_Yuthura's SiD fic, which is amazingly well written and in first person which makes it quite unique. Little shoutouts like this get the word around about stories that otherwise might go unnoticed.

[knight 12167]

Comments are non-exsistent in my stories

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Kado Sunrider

Awesome.

I'll definitely fix that sentence. If you noticed anything glaringly obvious, drop me a message. Do you mind if I copy/paste that right into the story?


EDIT: I also edited the story post to state the time, 29 years BBY.


EDIT2: BTW, I agree with your statement on commenting more. Lately I've been bumping up threads that have started to drop off, and the author is posting chapters back to back. No feedback. Namely, Darth_Yuthura's SiD fic, which is amazingly well written and in first person which makes it quite unique. Little shoutouts like this get the word around about stories that otherwise might go unnoticed.

COnsider it this way Kado; if we were in school and I told you that you mispelled a word, I wouldn't expect you to ask permission to correct it. I just looked at the line with 30+ years of experience in editing my own work and made the correctiion I would have.

[Kyvios]

Thanks machievelli, never thought I'd actually make pick of the week with any of my stuff. lol. I did make the correction you pointed out and a few of my own.

But yea, I do think at least a comment here or there would be nice. It at least let the writer know that people are interested in their story.

[Kado Sunrider]

Originally Posted by machievelli

COnsider it this way Kado; if we were in school and I told you that you mispelled a word, I wouldn't expect you to ask permission to correct it. I just looked at the line with 30+ years of experience in editing my own work and made the correctiion I would have.

If we we're in school, that would be cheating.

But thanks, I've edited it in and fixed the timestamp issue.

New chapter coming soon. xD

[Hallucination]

Originally Posted by Kado Sunrider

If we we're in school, that would be cheating.

That's only if we were in a test, unless your school was run by nazis. Also, you used "we're", meaning 'we are', when you should have used 'were'.

[Kado Sunrider]

Originally Posted by Hallucination

That's only if we were in a test, unless your school was run by nazis. Also, you used "we're", meaning 'we are', when you should have used 'were'.

oops.

I tend to do that in my writing a lot as well. Always need to go back and review for those in particular. xD

my school was run by Nazi's. Cheating on an assignment would be cheating as well.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Soul Behind The The Armour
Knight12167

KOTOR on Tatooine: A look into Darth Bandon’s soul.

The piece started out well, but became disjointed. Having just posted a piece just as disjointed, I recognize it.

The advice I give to you is the same as I gave myself when I found that I had posted such a work.

Read, edit, rewrite, read again, polish until smooth.

Brothers-in-Arms #1: The Beginning of the End
Kado Sunrider

Near middle of AOTC: A clone prepares for his first taste of action.

The piece flows well, and looks like one of those I wish I could read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

Young Heroes
Knight12167

PostTSL: An odd pair of young men are caught in trouble

This had the same problem I mentioned above. There is no link noticeable between parts one and two, beyond the fact that they were both caught up in trouble.

Technical note: I-pod is a trademark of an Earth company. Try to avoid obvious links.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

A Sticky Situation
Shadows Of The Storm

PreKOTOR: a prank goes astray

The story was too short for my tastes, but it was cute and kind of funny.

Light Side Male Revan

What He Left Behind
KOTORfanforlife

Ten Years Post TSL: A girl goes looking for her father

The piece flows well, though you forgot some word such as not in the sentence 'I'm trying to prove anything,'

The basics are good, I just wish part two was posted, not that I’d have a chance to read it. Her logic arguing with Carth was perfect in it’s own way.

Pick of the Week

Family Matters
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PostTSL: It’s tough growing up

The story was interesting, especially the by play of the couple. The explanation about why birth control pills didn’t work was amusing.

Pick of the Week

Bastila, Chapter One
Aaron Lightblade

Post KOTOR: Bastila finds herself in an alternate Universe

The writing is good though a bit confusing at the start. Once you understood what was happening it began to flow well.

Trouble, Chapter 1
Slincoln

PostKOTOR: An accident throws Revan and Bastila into the unknown

The buildup was well done, the explanation of what happened interesting enough to want more. The comment by HK that he’d programmed his own reactions was funny.

Pick of the Week

Always
Jaden Firestar

Originally reviewed November 23, 2006, that review is below;
One year after KOTOR: A forbidden love leads both the Exile and Revan down different paths.

There were problems with word usage, but nothing that a good editing job would not cure. The story is interesting, and the byplay explaining the shared pasts of both Revan and the Exile helps in understanding their characters.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Footprints in the Clouds, Part 1
Rift

PostKOTOR: The Sith search for the crew of the Ebon Hawk

The story is well done and detailed. The comment I enjoyed most was;

"'Unprecedented' might be what I should call this."

"No, I believe they call these things 'children'"

Pick of the Week

Awkward Little Incident
Sebastian DeLaOsa


Two Months after KOTOR: The title fits it perfectly…

After laughing myself silly I had to reread the very first paragraphs to be sure what was happening, but only because I wasn’t sure what alarm there had been. A unique view of how the force can operate, mixed with strong emotion, followed by the embarrassing aftermath. The way both Jolee and Vandar reacted was too choice for words, especially after the belief of the offenders that no one would comment.

Pick of the Week

Vengence of the Hateful, Chapter 1
Jedi Valius

PostKOTOR: As the Galaxy celebrates, the first step in revenge is taken

The piece leads you gently, then rips your guts out in less than a paragraph. One of those I wish I could read all the way through

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The War of the New Age
Darth Betrayal

10,000 years before KOTOR, 14,000 before ANH: All is not what it seems.

The basics are good but too quickly done. Remember there is a flow to narrative, and if you jump from point A to D, it leaves the reader confused. We know who is who, but we know nothing else. What we do know about the primary characters is merely that he’s in charge, but that‘s not much.

Letting Go
Kyvios

No specific era given: Only on the brink of death does he understand.

Tense and homonym problems like before, threw (cast aside) rather than through (moving amidst). The scene ‘has’ (Present tense) rather than had (past).

I read the other comments and most of what I would have dinged you on (Especially the vibro-blade) has been called.

Pick of the Week

A Fathers Love
Kado Sunrider

End of ROTJ: The last thoughts of Darth Vader

Structurally it was excellent. The piece was short, but as Mozart said in Amadeus, You used just as many words as you needed, and no more.

Pick of the Week

There is no death; there is the Force.
Mr. BFA

Long after KOTOR: Revan has to say what he feels

I tend to echo Bee Hoon’s comment, primarily because I have never been able to tell if a poem is good bad or indifferent. Part of the reason that JM12 is our poetry critic and not me. (By the way JM12, why did you stop?)

I had to agree that the last comment was highly amusing.

Pick of the Week

Eternity
Adavardes

No specific era given: Two Jedi lovers say goodbye.

The specific negatives I had regarding the work were addressed by Bee Hoon, so I will not repeat them. If you have specific problems because Word resets, try using Open Office and save as RTF. I have the same problem over at KFM.

The basics are excellent. Keep it up. One of those I would have voted for this time; if I voted at all.

The One in Many
Kyvios

No specific era given, though it suggests TSL: An unlikely pair meet.

The work flows well, and the introductory posting set the scene well. As Mr. Bfa did with the first, I do with the second. The sentence “I wonder if you’re the sun boy blocked by the moon.’ was cumbersome. It would have been better “I wonder if you’re the sun eclipsed by the moon, boy.” primarily because the original wording made me wonder if the image or the boy was the subject.

Pick of the week.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Male Revan

That's My Girl
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PostTSL: Vignettes during Revan’s life

The sections are well wrought stand alone pieces and each is a gem in it’s own right. I thoroughly enjoyed the last paragraph of the second section.

Pick of the week

Redemption
Sinbreaker

KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: The battle between Revan and Bastila revisited

Some small editing problems, but nothing major.

The work was good, and the cliff hanger ending leaves you wanting more.

Pick of the Week

Once Upon A Friday Night, chapter 1
The Ezra

KOTOR Alternate Universe: Beware the hole on your computer screen…

The basic are good, and the story while off the wall was cute. Having all of the crossovers be additional sidekicks made it amusing, though I never worked out if Aiden was one as well.

Pick of the Week

The Children
DarthMichael

Thirty years after TSL: The children of four of the most powerful Jedi known are bound toward Coruscant on a path of vengeance.

The piece is excellent, and the only negative I have is simple; Vandar did not speak like Yoda during the game.

Pick of the Week

Hearts Eye View, Prologue (Revised)
Barachiel

PreKOTOR: A, historical look at Revan’s career during the Mandalorian Wars and beyond, told by Bastila Shan.

Three or four times you left words where they caused bumps in the flow. As an example the word ‘of’ in the last sentence of the second paragraph was unnecessary. Just an editing problem.

The basics are good, giving us an idea of exactly what had been happening before.

Ship of Fools
Sebastian DeLaOsa

KOTOR enroute to Korriban: With Revan’s past revealed, Jolee gives advice in his own inimitable style.

The piece, like everything I have read from this author, is an excellent piece of work. The characterization of Jolee is just too perfect.

Pick of the Week

[The_Catto]

Thanks, Mach.
Even I don't really know if a poem is good or bad. I just write them and hope for the best
I'm not up with the technical side of things. If I think it fits, I write it. If it doesn't seem to fit, I leave it. Pretty unorthodox for a 'poet' (I use the term VERY loosely as I don't see myself as a poet really, just a writer)

Thanks anyways. I'm glad that last little sentence is taking such an amount of acknowledgement (but I fear it's taking the gaze away from the rest of the story! )

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA

Thanks, Mach.
Even I don't really know if a poem is good or bad. I just write them and hope for the best
I'm not up with the technical side of things. If I think it fits, I write it. If it doesn't seem to fit, I leave it. Pretty unorthodox for a 'poet' (I use the term VERY loosely as I don't see myself as a poet really, just a writer)

Thanks anyways. I'm glad that last little sentence is taking such an amount of acknowledgement (but I fear it's taking the gaze away from the rest of the story! )

My problem with poetry is mine is always so bad. I wrote one as a prophesy for my Gryphonrider series that was so obtuse I didn't understand it. When I was a storyteller on stage I joked about it whenever one came up. My first comment was the character saying, 'all right, if the riddles are going to be this bad I think I should leave now'.

I liked the last sentence because I was picturing someone wondering for years about an incident, and only now did the culprit admit his fault.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars: Falling Into Darkness
Rtas Vadum

PreKOTOR: A young Jedi learns more than the Jedi would suggest

A few minor word usage problems. As a primary example because it is throughout the work is using small I when meaning a person. It was more like rocks in the flow than anything else. The basics look pretty good, so all I have to say is my standard mantra;

Read, edit, rewrite, reread, polish until smooth.

Sublustrum
Tysyacha

PreKOTOR: A young Jedi remembers from the other side…

The piece is nice and dark, with fond memories leading to the denouement. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Meesa Jar Jar Binks!
Tysyacha

After ROTS: The perfect end for Star War’s least favorite character… Not

I loved everything but the end, Tys. Of course it had to be April Fool’s day, right?

Revan's Revelation
Darth Yuthura

KOTOR After Leviathan: Revan deals with the revelation, and the way her crew reacts to it.

Very good work, DY. The way the people react to the situation is well done, and even the information passed in the background had an effect on the read.

Pick of the Week


kotorfanmedia

Light Side Male Revan

A Good Day
Sebastian DeLaOsa

Follow on to That's My Girl: Revan has an exciting day

The piece flowed one way, then the other in such a smooth rhythm you don’t notice until you hit the rocks on the other slope. Very smooth and enjoyable.

Pick of the Week

Just Another Morning...
Burn

PostKOTOR: The title says it all.

Short sweet, and unbearably cute.

Pick of the Week

Jen's Journey Chapter 1: The Aftermath of Traya's Death
Sions Disciple

PostTSL: Revan Bastila and the Exile get together

Skrindler made the main negative comment I could think of. A short work is good only if it fulfills the rules of fiction. It has to be interesting, compelling and entertaining.


Both Styles
Shike77

KOTOR in the upper city Cantina: A new look at Revan

The piece was fun because Revan is so different from the strait-laced versions we’re used to. Having him get as drunk as the Sith at the party was just too much fun.

Pick of the Week

Partings
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PostKOTOR: Revan has nightmares, and what he sees sends him into the Outer Rim

Prisoner24601 had the best comment about this work, in that it does appear to be two different stories, but the interface is smooth. I myself have never ‘accidentally’ killed Bastila in the game, and never killed her at all as a male character.

The work is very good, up to Sebastian’s work so far.

Pick of the Week.

The Price of Love
Revan64

KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: How much are you willing to do for love?

The piece flowed well, the scene well portrayed. Worth a read.

Pick of the Week

The Joining of the Two, Chapter 1
Serena

During KOTOR: A child joins the Jedi

The piece is interesting, but the provenance to claim to be part of the KOTOR milieu is vague.

Therapy for a Jedi
JMSlayer

PostKOTOR: A Therapy session challenge well met

The challenge was an interesting idea, and the way the writer handled it was amusing. The best was the last line.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Renewal
Kado Sunrider

Set during LOTF: The war is over, but now comes the real work.

Only two things to comment on editing; one homonyms (too instead of to) and forgetting possessive apostrophes ‘Tesars thoughts came’ should be ‘Tesar’s thoughts came’.

I never get a chance to read everything you guys write, so this one bothered me. The part I got to read was well written.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Exile

Nine Months
Fyrephoenix

Post TSL: It starts with recriminations…

The piece was very well done, the beginning funny because of the way the argument flowed;

‘you did it’.

“wait, you did that!’

‘I know, but I feel better blaming you for it.’

Very choice reading for the start of this review.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side Male Revan

Wednesday's Child [1]
McFinnegan

KOTOR on Tatooine: If you’ve read the poem the title comes from, you will know what is in Bastila’s heart…

I tend to agree with the author in that the depth of what Bastila is going through during the mission is set aside. The only times you see it is when she is wistful that maybe the Jedi way is right, and during her time with the Dark Side when she is trying to kill Revan and love him at the same time. This piece is an excellent view of how she feels and there hasn’t been enough praise for it.

Pick of the Week

Naked Truth
Sebastian DeLaOsa

KOTOR on Tatooine: Entry into KFM’s The Full Monty Challenge; There are times when your really wish you were dreaming…

As others have commented, the piece is tight and well written, the scenes flowing even with the minor problem of gratuitous nudity. When it started I was right there with Bastila that it had to be a dream. In fact the only scene that didn’t gell for me was her frantic retreat at the end.

But that last line was so choice.

Pick of the Week

Who I am.
DJ

PostKOTOR: Bastila reflects on her past, and her future.

The piece flows well, the idea that meditating in the nude is a cultural thing of her own planet was a nice touch. The history from childhood to present helped a lot in understanding the woman Bastila had become.

Pick of the Week

Naboo Vacation
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PostKOTOR: Another entry into KFM’s The Full Monty Challenge; It’s so good to be bad.

Sebastian has done it again. The entire role-playing scene from the moment Bastila demanded it to the conclusion was so funny I almost choked on my drink. Oh very well done.

Pick of the Week

Dagobah Rain
Sebastian DeLaOsa

Set during TESB, but hails back to KOTOR: A student learns in more ways than one.

The piece is good, and I agreed with the comments by others who have read it. A student learns from his teacher, but has to learn where to use their own brains. Back in the late 60s they had a brief series with Jimmy Stewart as a college professor and the line I remember well was, “I don’t want you to answer my questions, I want you to question my answers’, something Yoda does here so well.

Pick of the Week.

Beyond the Rim: Chapter 1
Revanreaborn225

Eight years after KOTOR: Revan and Bastila meet again in the Outer Rim

The piece was too short to really get a feel for it style wise, but it looks good so far.

Anger Management
JMSLayer

No Specific part of KOTOR is given: How do you deal with anger? How about My Fair Lady…

The piece is funny, and the only thing that bothered me was using My Fair Lady. But if it were part of a challenge, I can see where it came from so I’ll let it slide.

Savior: The Heart Of Darkness
Darth Raden

KOTOR on Korriban: The edge of darkness reaches for Revan

The piece is dark and foreboding. The ‘force child’ who was never explained bothered me a bit. But the ‘kinds’ of Jedi remark was interesting.

Fractured Image
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PostKOTOR: Entry into KFM’s dueling challenge 'Fear'; Fear is learning about the new person in your life.

The piece like everything I have read of Sebastian’s, is a jewel that stands alone. The basis of the fear of the challenge was perfect. Who did Bastila fall in love with? The fiction created by the Council? Or the person that now wears that fiction? The author’s comments in reply to reviewers told me that the same thoughts ran through his mind. This piece is the quintessential work of this author so far, and I will tell you right now, the only reason this did not get best of the best is I had too much good stuff from the same author.

Pick of the Week

All Too Familiar Path
Sebastian DeLaOsa


KOTOR Right before Dantooine: Another entry into KFM’s dueling challenge 'Fear'; One of the masters revisits the decision, and rails against it.

This piece like everything from this author is perfect. The look into Vrook, one of the least liked characters of the games gives us a depth I myself had never considered. What if that gruff character was actually the voice of reason? That using Revan for this mission was something some saw as the most dangerous option, even if it was the best option?

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Lilith: Vampire Hunter
Rtas Vadum

NonSW Fiction: A Vampire hunts those she considers wrong.

You used the possessive incorrectly, human’s instead of humans. Eire (As in Ireland) instead of eerie (Strange), and the personal pronoun ‘i’ is always capitalized. This is an editing problem more than anything else. Some of the scenes, the confrontation between the vampires for example needed work because it was too generic. You also slipped with a priest dressed in leather, since no one seeing him would have taken him for one.

It is good work though. Flow was good with only a slight bobble when you went from present tense to past.

Pick of the Week

The Split
Kyvios

No specifc era given: A man breaks under the strain of what he has done.

A problem with homonyms (Fowl as in bird instead of foul, as in disgusting, course as in direction rather than coarse, rough), you also tended to slip from past tense to present, but these are merely editing problems.

Another one I would have voted for.

Pick of the Week

They Will Pay…
JAvatar80

No specific era given: A killing leads to vengeance.

As Bee Hoon has already said, the basic reason for the story is trite, and the sudden capability with weapons and ferocity a little hard to believe. The piece is cold, vicious, and heart rending.

But I would have voted for this.

Pick of the week

Virul
Alkonium

Set in an alternate universe after the fall of the Empire: An undying enemy plots

The basics are good and I agree that the first paragraph was the best.

The only negatives I have are the ‘undying enemy’ and bringing HK47 back. A droid like anything, becomes obsolete. A design that looked good say at the time of the Romans would be superseded by newer designs. Look at the wheel in all it’s incarnations.

As for the undying enemy, that is a personal foible. The work itself is good except for those.

Ravaged Hope
Lord Spitfire

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: Some things are worth dying for.

The biggest problem is editing and flow. You used the wrong words some times, fleshed instead of flesh, that kind of thing. Remember that flow is important. It should carry the reader along. When flow is broken by your word choices, it’s like rapids, jarring the reader from the story.

As I always say, read, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished.

kotorfanmedia
Light Side Female Exile

When You Were Young
Time-To-Act

A decade or more before the Mandalorian Wars: Three people that will later become shipmates meet for the first time.

The only real problem I have seen is some cumbersome sentences. As an example ‘The remote followed its master towards where he was headed’ would have read better as ‘Bao-Dur went on, and the remote followed’.

An interesting look at the main characters of the second game in a setting other than conflict. I agreed with the other reviewer, it was kind of cute.

Light Side Male Revan

Visions
WebMistressGina

Spanning the period from before the Mandalorian Wars until the end of TSL: The visions that drove all that happened.

The writing is excellent as WMG has always been since I started reading in these forums. The basic story line was a bit confusing when Revan’s section began, but it still intrigued, causing me to continue. Well worth a read.

Fighting Words
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PostKOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: Entry for Dueling Circle Challenge 9, ‘Fear’, Sometimes you say just the wrong thing.

The action was hot and heavy, then the argument went hot and heavy. The acrimony and reason behind it was well thought out and portrayed, especially the pause after saying just the wrong thing. Sebastian has done it again.

Pick of the Week

Master
JediQB

KOTOR After Leviathan: Bastila’s fall

The piece was excellent, the mixture of pain and shattering her ego well thought out and well written. I agreed with Bald As Malak that it seemed to a bit fast, but considering the situation, I still thought it was a masterful piece.

Pick of the Week

Collision
LordRevan

Originally posted on 7 July 2006

Set in an alternate universe of KOTOR I Four different version of Revan hash out their differences.

I was confused for a moment when the author set up first one, then another Revan. But the instant he got to the fourth, it all clicked. A lot of choices are based on gender reactions, and there are always choice that will not or cannot be taken. By having a balance of four, the choices become clear.

Those of us who created female Revans can see our characters in there, as can those who had Male ones.

Here is yet another writer I wish I had time to read from start to finish. This is starting out very well.

Reprise Pick of the Week

His
PrincessBastila

From before the Mandalorian Wars until PostKOTOR: A man finally gets what he wants.

The story was short, but the term short and sweet fits it. The years spent thinking of having her, finally coming to reality. Well done.

Dreams of Distant Signs
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PostKOTOR: Revan is desperate for something to do.

The piece like all of Sebastian’s work has it’s own little strengths and quirks. The using the force to either slap a girl’s bottom or to tickle someone was fun, and her using it to slap his face was cute. My favorite part, beyond the cigars mind; was finding out you don’t have to have tea only one way.

Pick of the Week

[Darth_Yuthura]

Originally Posted by machievelli

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Shattered Knight, Chapter 1: An End to All Council
Tim Radley

PostKOTOR: What punishment will Revan suffer for his actions? And who hunts him now?

The story dragged a bit at the start. I could understand Revan’s view of the situation, and expected it would continue.

Silly me.

Once the action started, it didn’t stop, and I was dragged willingly along for a thrill ride.

This is one of the stories I wish I could read from end to end.

I've read through this particular story from start to finish on Fanfiction.net and I would say that the author had written this at a professional level. I seriously could see his content in a novel. I would seriously recommend this to anyone who is looking for a well-done KOTOR fiction. This is one of the few fanfictions that really don't have the continuity flaws that come from inexperienced writers.

I would say that the only issue was that this is incomplete and that he likely has ended it there. I was under the impression that it was going to end and the suspense killed me as I realized the climax never really came, nor a resolution to it all. Still, it is worth reading.

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Darth_Yuthura

I've read through this particular story from start to finish on Fanfiction.net and I would say that the author had written this at a professional level. I seriously could see his content in a novel. I would seriously recommend this to anyone who is looking for a well-done KOTOR fiction. This is one of the few fanfictions that really don't have the continuity flaws that come from inexperienced writers.

I would say that the only issue was that this is incomplete and that he likely has ended it there. I was under the impression that it was going to end and the suspense killed me as I realized the climax never really came, nor a resolution to it all. Still, it is worth reading.

Thanks DY. It's nice to know some of you are following my suggestions as to who to read.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Blood Assassin
Rtas Vadum

NonSW Fiction: A young vampire rebels

Some misspelling, planing instead of planning, some problems with flow but nothing major.

My biggest problem with the work is there was no rhyme or reason to the ‘cunning plan’ of the Master. Turning the mother, then killing her, turning the boy, then deciding to replace him less than 25 years later was done almost like a petulant child throwing away his toys when he grows bored. Revealing such an existence to someone like Uncle Adolf, who would more likely found a way to capture them to set up an assembly line of vampire warriors seemed even more rash.

Besides, hating humans would be like hating cows because they supply beef. Looking down on them as inferior yes, out and out hatred, and being willing to commit genocide, no.

Also, since we didn’t how old the main character was when he was turned, we have to follow the basic rules of Vampires, one of the reasons I created my own version of the change in my own work; as Lynsey Sands did in her Argeneau family series. A boy of say 14 would still appear to be a boy of 14 all those years later; not considered competent to make his own decisions according to those who meet him. That is why the young girl vampire Claudia in Interview With The Vampire is such a tragic character.

Needs work but it is good work.

Odnazhdiy (Once)
Tysyacha

TSL During second time on Telos: The Exile remembers how she joined Revan

As always, Tys does good work. One thing I liked about this is the pacifist-warmonger-warrior argument. To the complete pacifist no war is necessary. Even if it is in defense of your life. To them anyone who fights, for whatever reason, is automatically a warmonger.

Most partial pacifists; those who assume that living for war is bad; believe that soldiers are better, my reply is read my work
Warrior.

Pick of the Week

Paint it Black
Chevron 7 Locke

Post TSL: The worst part of love is the loss…

The piece highlights the one part of love that I think might cause someone to go to the dark side readily, and I for one applaud the work. The difference between Brianna at the start and the way she felt at the end highlighted it perfectly.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic II: Embers of Destruction
Lord Spitfire

Some editing problems. Dethatched instead of detached, that kind of thing.

The idea of literally starting in the middle was a nice touch. Everything before destroying Nihilus in flashback, from then on either leaving Carth hanging, or allowing us to view it. I wish I had the time to read it all when it’s posted.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

Letters from the Unknown-Juhani
Chrissy Misha

PostKOTOR: As she heads for her destiny, Revan decides she has to say goodbye…

The piece is well written, the rationale behind the explanatory letters is looking good. I wish I had time to read them all.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side Male Revan

The Sea Of Blood: 1
Lord Zeuss

KOTOR on Manaan: What are you willing to pay for neutrality and peace?

The piece is good primarily because of this dark look at what has happened on Manaan. I agree that peace is better than war, but this shows how far you might have to go to gain it, and it is more terrifying than the war itself.

Light Side Male Revan

Tinker Taylor Jedi Spy - A King Amongst Fools, Chapter 1
Revans Redemption

PostKOTOR: A spy is sent on a special mission

You shifted back and forth in tenses during the first portion, first present, then past and back. Some word usage problems; were instead of we’re for example.

That being said, the piece has some good work in it and is an intriguing start.

Marooned
Bastila Skywalker

PostKOTOR on a jungle planet called Titen: Even with the Force, you can get lost…

The piece was well written, the situation funny in it’s own way. The only problem I saw with it was as another commented; that there was no reference as to where they were.

A Beautiful Friendship, part 1
Helena L

PreKOTOR: A little help from your friends…

There was only one major glitch I noticed and it was this line; one of his right hands. Probably you write what I call flow of consciousness, which is how I write, letting the scenes flow from head to hands without thinking about them. That makes it an editing problem, nothing more.

Other than that it was a most enjoyable read. Knowing what it was like growing up, I can understand Bastila’s frustration with the rules, and her desire to run away. Revan’s desire to make her feel better, and Bastila wanting to help him. The piece flowed well.

Pick of the Week

The True Sith, Chapter 1: The Hawk Takes Flight
mrthingyx

Originally Posted 15 Dec 2006 Review then as follows:

At the end of KOTOR II: Atton learns to let himself go with the force.

The scenes are well laid out, the action fast and furious. Very well done.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Just Business
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PreKOTOR: A hard decision has to be made

The thing about Sebastian’s work is nothing I have read yet has been bad or even indifferent. The piece has it’s funny points, throwing his light saber into a door for example, and serious parts; the explanation of the society comes to mind there.

The decisions made fit into the universe very well, and I have to agree the last line of dialogue was perfect.

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

I hadn't bothered to mention it here, so if you have been reading the SWK column, you would have known I was facing a layoff. I missed it by the skin of my teeth, so I'll stop worrying. But I promised to do these articles, so I now give you...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Dvazhdiy (Twice)
Tysyacha

PreKOTOR: What makes us better than those we fight?

As a student of history, the piece is chilling. A Jedi suggesting the total devastation of a moon, and blaming the enemy for the attack, and only those assigned refusing the order saves it.

Historically, the US committed some of the worst such attacks. Carl Spaatz accepted the orders of Eisenhower and General Hap Arnold to use ten German cities (Including Hamburg and Dresden) as ‘terror targets’ to weaken German morale.

Curtis LeMay changed the high altitude techniques from Europe by making lower level firebombing attacks, including the attack on Tokyo that killed more than either Atomic bomb. The New York Times reported at the time, "Maj. Gen. Curtis E. LeMay, commander of the B-29s of the entire Marianas area, declared that if the war is shortened by a single day, the attack will have served its purpose." The primary reason given by the Army Air Corps at the time was that Japanese industry was so decentralized, it was more cost effective to attack the workers rather than the factories.

Tysyacha’s Revan could even use the same rationale.

Pick of the Week.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

The Veiled Truth (prologue)
Rashea

Set approximately previous to KOTOR III: A young Jedi wishes to learn more of Revan

The largest problem I saw was ‘Warn instead of worn’. Since that is an editing problem, I will say no more about it.

The piece gives enough of a taste that the reader wants to know more. I expect this one to go pretty far.

Light Side Male Revan

Family Secrets
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PostTSL: follows "That's My Girl" and "Visitation", but years before "One Last Time"; dealing with the worst news a child can hear.

The piece flows well as all of Sebastian’s work does, and the subject was well considered and portrayed. Even the illogical statement youd would expect, that Bastila would kill him if he died without telling her was a perfect little piece of the whole.

Pick of the Week

The Revelation of Bandon
Reslez

KOTOR: Revan versus Bandon…With a twist

I wasn’t sure how to take this one at first, but when I reached the following lines;

"Unfortunately, you must wait a little longer. I am the villain here. When the villain appears for the first and only time he has to explain his backstory to the hero."

"Says who?" I said.

"It's in the rules."

"Oh. Right."

I was hooked. The piece was irreverent, had plenty of spoliers, and even harkened to the first Star Wars movies at the end. A very funny read.

Pick of the Week

Yet Another KotOR Parody, chapters 1-3
Helena L

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: An irreverent version of the game; Random Generated Name (The hero… really I’m not joking) has to start hustling

The biggest problem with reviewing this site is that good stuff like this; posted the same year I started, had to wait until now to get read. The parody, as AthenePrime commented, does it by situational comedy rather than character bashing.

An excellent read. A pity I don’t have the time to read it from start to finish.

Pick of the Week

A Kotor Parody aka The Most Boring Title I've Ever Thought Up
Green Dragon

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: At least Trask didn’t get trashed…

It must have been a parody challenge back then because this is the fourth I read today. The piece is fun to read, and the constant references to the movies were well played, right up to arguing about the best episode.

The Final Battle!
Phantom

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Now that I didn’t expect…

The piece was marked as parody, and at first I thought mis-marked. Then Revan chose his weapon, and I lost it in laughter. From there on it was a given as to what would happen. So very well done.

Pick of the Week

Chasing Daemons
Jedi Valius

KOTOR At the Star Forge: Another way the battle could have ended.

Having never played Dawn of War, I was at a bit of a loss. However the joining of the two was well done, and the blending of the characters interesting.

It's A Wonderful Life
CandyStriper

KOTOR after Leviathan: After Bastila’s capture; what did she give everyone?

The piece was amusing in it’s own way, and the connections to things we all understand (it’s a Wonderful Life and the NKOTB) are down right silly. Picturing Jolee in leg warmers, or HK using metal polish, or Canderous using skin cream were just too choice.

Old Habits
Sebastian DeLaOsa

Two months after KOTOR: Vrook deals with the problems of Revan’s return

I applaud Sebastian’s take on Vrook because I always felt there had to be a reason for that stuffy persona beyond just making him stuffy. My own Vrook actually shows some compassion in my own work.

Pick of the Week

The Grey Man, Part One
Cymru77

PostKOTOR: Enroute to the Unknown Region, Revan has a few things to do.

The piece starts of fast and furious, and doesn’t stop. It is an excellent piece of work. I just wish I had time to read the entire thing. The only thing I can ding is technical.

Technical: Even with the shock absorbers 100 meters fall would cause serious damage forthe humans in this regard, and 60 centimters (Two feet) wouldn’t have been a big help.

Pick of the Week

Not Quite a Sure Thing
Darth Balatro

No Specific time given though with characters from KOTOR: The same meeting over and over…

It was reminiscent of Groundhog’s Day, though both characters kept changing instead of just the main one. An interesting read.

[Rashea]

I appreciate the recognition. If you would like to read the rest of what I have so far, I have it posted on the SW:TOR site http://www.swtor.com/community/showthread.php?t=24378
Please keep in mind that it is a work in progress and I would appreciate any creative criticisms that you might have.
Rashea

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Rashea

I appreciate the recognition. If you would like to read the rest of what I have so far, I have it posted on the SW:TOR site http://www.swtor.com/community/showthread.php?t=24378
Please keep in mind that it is a work in progress and I would appreciate any creative criticisms that you might have.
Rashea

I'll look at it. However, having read the official canon I see nothing that states that Revan was male.

[Rashea]

Great,
I look forward to hearing from you. In Regards to the excepted sex of the Revan, It's a bit of a sore spot over at the forums. I would prefer to think that Revan was female, but that's because of how I played KotOR. I truly hope that you envoy the story, but don't pull punches too much
Rashea

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Rashea

Great,
I look forward to hearing from you. In Regards to the excepted sex of the Revan, It's a bit of a sore spot over at the forums. I would prefer to think that Revan was female, but that's because of how I played KotOR. I truly hope that you envoy the story, but don't pull punches too much
Rashea

My comments were not a negative of your work. only that there is no official canon (As if print media issued by Lucasforums) that states that Revan is male or female. As my own Revan is female, I am not denigrating your work. I will copy it and proofread it (Beta style) this week or next week.

[Tysyacha]

I am honored that you found "Dvazhdiy" chilling. Even not knowing all the historical facts that you did before I wrote this, I suspected that some countries did use such tactics, but not us. I was thinking Nazi Germany might have done it, or Soviet Russia, but not us.

Thanks for shattering an illusion of mine, because now I know! You totally rock...

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Tysyacha

I am honored that you found "Dvazhdiy" chilling. Even not knowing all the historical facts that you did before I wrote this, I suspected that some countries did use such tactics, but not us. I was thinking Nazi Germany might have done it, or Soviet Russia, but not us.

Thanks for shattering an illusion of mine, because now I know! You totally rock...

Honor is important to some people. I do not remember his name, but the General in charge of the occupation forces in Paris simply ignored Hitler's order to level the city rather than allow the Allies to have it back. Another unsung hero is the man in the Iraqi Oil ministry who did not devestate Iraqi oil production as Saddam had done in Kuwait. I don't know who they are, but even your enemes have honor.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Trizhdiy ("Thrice/Three Times")
Tysyacha

The piece is pretty dark, Tys. The only problem I had was the too swift transition from Kreia to Atris with no explanation as to how she had gotten to Malachor. The galaxy Atris envisioned would have been darker than any the Sith would imagine, if only because it would have been ‘for their own good’ rather than ‘because I say so‘.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia
Light Side Male Revan

The Malakium, Part I: From Dark Lord to Nobody - Chapter 1, Confrontation
Darth Balatro

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: As he fights his last battle, Malak reminisces.

The piece is well done, the only negative is the comment about medpacks, but since it came from a game this is merely a pet peeve of mine.

The line used as the header on the link; that Sith never die because they were already dead was well timed, and an ironic look at the life he had chosen. Another of those I wish I could read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

Old Acquaintances Be Forgotten
CandyStriper

An interesting read. The idea that the Jedi might have a specific group trained in using the force for interrogation was in itself interesting, since as Jolee pointed out, using the force for coercion seems to me to naturally lead to the dark side.

Pick of the Week

Prologue: Every saga has a beginning...
Mrthingx

PreKOTOR: The calm before the storm.

The work harkens back to the game, explaining a lot of Atris’ later actions. The idea that she and the Exile were either lovers or close to being lovers has been used by a lot of the authors here (Myself included) but the portrayal was unique in showing Atris’ heart more than the Exile.

Pick of the Week

The Plight of Darkness, Chapter One
Forcefightwithme12

Originally reviewed 16 Dec 05

After the destruction of the Star Forge: Revan and Bastila start at loose ends.

I have been asked several times to review this, and have held back to allow all the other reviews below it.

It was worth the wait.

The style is hesitant, and the author is right when she said she misspelled some things. It needs editing, and that is pretty much all I can say about it in a negative vein.

You’re good kid. Really good.

Reprise Pick of the Week

After the Forge
Revan’s Pet Duck

Finale of KOTOR: Revan grieves for Bastila

The piece is short admittedly, and mushy as the author said.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not good.

Pick of the Week

Reconstruction, Chapter 1
Jerrig Tora

PostKOTOR: As Revan and Bastila clean out pockets of resistance, the Jedi Council begins to consider how to deal with him.

The piece is short, but even if the author doesn’t speak English as the first language, it was well written; needing only tweaking.

First Impressions
Nivenus

KOTOR, No specific section given: Revan considers the relationship growing between him and Bastila.

One editing problem, it’s incessantly not incisively.

All in all it is short but good.

Rebirth of the Fallen
Hadrian

A decade after KOTOR: As Taris rebuilds, a hunt begins

The piece is interesting in a calm before the storm way. Seeing the characters from Taris rebuilding after the destruction was excellent. An interesting aside in the story with enough mystery about the teacher to make it compelling.

Pick of the Week

A losing Battle
Helena L

During the Mandalorian wars: Revan thinks of the one he left behind

The weariness of a man near the end of the war is well portrayed, his thoughts as scattered as you would anticipate between wanting it to end, and wishing he had not gone.

Pick of the Week.

KOTOR3, Chapter 1: A bond story.
Lord Revan Jeyon

Some editing problems, you used past tense terns instead of present; healed, warned, killed. Then turned around and did it in reverse, took instead of take, respond instead of responded. But as I said in the first sentence these are editing problems disturbing the flow.

Since my Exile never considered a relationship, I was surprised that with so many choices as to who, Mira isn’t on the list. I wonder why?

Next Time
Sebastian DeLaOsa

Eight years after KOTOR: They finally have it out…

The story is well written, and one reviewer’s comment regarding the end is very cogent. The biggest problem when writing is knowing when to stop. This is an editing problem nothing more.

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Onderonian Onslaught
Nick Vader

Before the Mandalorian Wars: The first steps in the war

The piece is really too short to judge, except for the fact that asking questions during a scrolling beginning jarred the read. You probably meant perceptive when you wrote percpective.

Technical note: Read my article in the Expert’s forum regarding military unit sizes. I don’t think the Mandalorian upper echelon would be bothered by a dozen Jedi, since that is what a squad implies.

Welcome to the Forum.

Galactic Economics
Adavardes

PostTSL: Anything can be rationalized

Some problems with wording; ‘sporting a grizzly cut down his left eye‘ implies one of two things; a cut in his face that somehow did not cut his eye, or an actual blinding, but the verbiage was ambiguous.

The piece is chilling because the rationale for the ending was so perfect. If I were to vote, This would have gotten one.

Pick of the Week

The Last Casualties of the Mandalorian Wars
Darth Yuthura

PreTSL: The trial of the Exile

When you wrote contemptible, I think you meant contemptuous. The sentence ‘Atris countered me with a pointless reason of which she really did not understand, herself.’ might have been better as ‘Atris countered my argument with a rationale she really did not understand, herself.’

That being said, the read was interesting. As Tys said, I vacillated between who was right and like her, had to agree that both were right for different reasons.

Pick of the Week

Conspiracy, Betrayal, Destiny
Writer

About four years after ROTS: A conspiracy falls to the Force

An interesting read, Writer. The basis was good, the ‘immortal’ character bothered me a bit, but that’s a personal foible.

But it was good, and I can see why you won, because I would have voted for this one.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Happy Festival
Sebastian DeLaOsa

PostKOTOR: Even adults can be kids…

The piece sneaked up on me in it’s own way. Starting with a series of negative comments near and dear to the American heart regarding fast food right up to action figures! I could picture the by play as Jolee Revan and finally even Bastila got into it.

Very funny.

Pick of the Week

Prodigies, Chapter 1
Alyt Neroot

Approximately 20 years before KOTOR: A young boy hopes for some companionship

The piece was short but has a good flow. Looking at any form of transportation from a child’s view is fun, as long as you don’t hear the interminable ‘are we there yet’.

Mandalorian Wars (Chapter I)
Irhal

Before the Mandalorian Wars: Two Jedi search for a murderer and his most recent victim.

You used incorrect words several times; bounded instead of bonded, incarnated instead of incarnate, fight instead of fighting. You also left out words such as; tall (man in), blue armour. It seems from my read that English is not your native tongue. If that is the case, it was excellent work needing only editing. Except for the points I commented about above the flow was very good.

Truth Revealed
Lilianjoy

KOTOR Before Leviathan: Revan reads Bastila’s diary

The piece flowed well and it was a fun read; but what several people commented (Since it is before Leviathan, how does he know he’s Revan?) threw me as well.

In my own work Sasha became an extra character I had a lot of fun with. In mine this could have been written.

All in all though very good work

Descent (The Redemption Saga: Part I)
JediQB

PostKOTOR: Carth Canderous and Revan are captured by the Sith

The piece was an interesting read, and all of my comments are editorial in nature. Clark’s rule in writing is never use a phrase when a word will do, and never use a long word when a short one will do. For example ‘keeping them out of consciousness‘ should have been ‘keeping them unconscious‘. You also used a word incorrectly since inputted is not used when it is an action, only when regarding the past tense of that act. So you input data, but remember if someone else did it correctly.
.

Licking Gizka - Deleted Scene: A Mandalorian's Promise
MotherMayhem

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Juhani goes on a little trip without leaving the ship

The piece caught me off guard. Remembering the infamous ‘toad sucking’ I wasn’t surprised by the effect of the Gizka. But the following scenes were a riot. The changes in the characters, the ship Juhani, were priceless. My favorite scene was the introduction of Tail.

Pick of the Week

Regret of the Fallen
Revan64

During the climactic battle of the Star Forge: She only understands when it is too late…

Revan64, you surprised me with this, and I loved every second of it!

Pick of the Week
Battle of the Heroes, Chapter 1
Kagi Vayun

After the Leviathan: Revan and the crew deal with the revelations

The piece was good if a bit generic. But it was worth the read.

[Writer]

Well, it's actually not an 'undetermined time after ROTS'. It just wasn't stated right at the beginning. Somewhere in the middle, Idrin Karras was thinking about 'four years earlier' just before the rise of the Empire when "a hooded and cloaked figure claiming to be Reibe Vailar pledged her allegiance to the Emperor."


As far as your personal issue with my character is concerned, I don't suppose it helps my case that Reibe isn't technically 'immortal'. She can be killed, and she will eventually die. She's just very, very, very long-lived

Someday all of these little side-stories I'm writing will fall into place as one story; the life of Reibe Vailar. And only then will she truly make sense...

... actually, I take that back. I don't think she'll ever make sense, not even to me

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by Writer

Well, it's actually not an 'undetermined time after ROTS'. It just wasn't stated right at the beginning. Somewhere in the middle, Idrin Karras was thinking about 'four years earlier' just before the rise of the Empire when "a hooded and cloaked figure claiming to be Reibe Vailar pledged her allegiance to the Emperor."

I stand corrected. I will edit the review

Originally Posted by Writer

As far as your personal issue with my character is concerned, I don't suppose it helps my case that Reibe isn't technically 'immortal'. She can be killed, and she will eventually die. She's just very, very, very long-lived

I just can't feel comfortable with characters who know all, see all, and have experienced all. My least favorite character in Heinlien's universe is Lazarus Long

Originally Posted by Writer

Someday all of these little side-stories I'm writing will fall into place as one story; the life of Reibe Vailar. And only then will she truly make sense...

... actually, I take that back. I don't think she'll ever make sense, not even to me

That was why you got a pick of the Week; I have characters that confuse the hell out of me too.

[Rashea]

Originally Posted by machievelli

I'll look at it. However, having read the official canon I see nothing that states that Revan was male.

I was hoping that you have had the chance to look at my story, if not that's fine because I have just posted another instalment. If you want I can send it to you via email. Just send me a message at pickfordrashea@gmail.com with your email and I will send it post haste.