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Old 05-22-2009, 04:00 AM   #1001
machievelli
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The Onderonian War
Nick Vader

During Mandalorian Wars: The attack on Onderon

The piece was rushed with so many words used incorrectly that I had to take several extra minutes. The place where there are the most mistakes in one sentence is the following one. The sentence ‘Our forces that attacked fristly were leaded by Canderous Ordo’ should have been written ‘The forces in our first wave were led by Canderous Ordo’.

I know when you’ve got an idea you want to get it out there for people to see; but it’s like making a cake by merely throwing the ingredients in the bowl and hoping for the best.

Vanity: A Play in One Act, Four Scenes
Tysyacha

NSW Fiction: A Greek legend plays out based on mere vanity.

I liked it, Tys. I am wondering where you’re going with this. I may have to come back…

Pick of the Week

The First Jedi
Vanir

Predating the Republic: The first Jedi wanders.

The basics are good, the idea intriguing. I had something like it in my own ‘The Beginning‘. Keep it up, I’d like to see more.

KOTOR: Origins
Starsword

PreKOTOR: The Jedi characters of the game as teens

The work looks good for a first attempt. Your forgot a word or maybe could have used another (of medical shuttle). The flow needs work, but that is an editing and polishing job. Since you’re a newbie, this is the first time you’ll hear this; but from what I have seen, I hope it isn’t the last. Reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished.

The only problem I had was the duel scene. A stereotypical bully and his cronies doesn’t fit with that the Jedi teach.

Good work, and welcome to the forum.

kotorfanmedia

Before I Leave You, Chapter 1
Darth Longie

Originally posted 3 Feb 2006. Original review below:

Interlude between KOTOR and KOTOR II. Revan remembers a past teacher

Dl said he hasn’t posted a fanfic before and I knew it when I read what was written.
My question kid, is WHY NOT? The writing style is hesitant, but great. The characters are clearly defined, well covered, and my only other complaint is that you didn’t write more.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Star Wars - Total War
Kagi Vayun

The Old Republic melded with the Clone Wars: A team plans an attack

The style is good, and I was surprised that Bastila was running around during the Separatist period. A well done blending.

Bastila's decision
Jerrig Tora

Unspecified time during KOTOR on Dantooine: Bastila regrets her deception.

The story flowed well, the basis; Bastila regretting her inability to tell her charge what was happening, well played. The only bobble is calling the character Revan in the last segment.

Knights of the Old Republic, Chapter I: Orbital Engagement
Kagi Vayun

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: We refight the battle of the Endar Spire

The piece was pretty good, flowing properly, the combat scenes the mere snippets you would expect from real life. The by play between Trask and Kagi in the down time between battles is very well done.

Technical: I know most of us are going from game to fan-fic when we write these, but one of my pet peeves is definition. A melee is a hand to hand battle, not a weapon type. In such a fight anything you can grab is a weapon, just some of them are more efficient. You did avoid the biggest problem, saying everyone just grabbed their melee weapons, but it would have been smoother if this were corrected.

Pick of the Week

The 2nd Sith War - an invisible war - Part 1
Khawk

PostKOTOR: A Jedi Spy within a Sith Academy finds valuable intelligence.

Since English is not your mother language, I took that into account on spelling and word choice. Remember conversation breaks. You also tended to jump around during conversations in such a way that they were a bit confusing. Neither of these are major problems since they are corrected by editing.

The story itself is excellent work needing editing and polishing, no more.

Revan Part 1
Crystal001

10 years after KOTOR: A crippled Revan has visitors…

Like Freesourceful commented, the voice was perfect! A crippled character as serene as you could suspect from a Jedi, yet yearning to be up and moving around. Choice work.

Pick of the Week

Hiding, part 1
Helena L

PostKOTOR: The torture used on Bastila is revealed

The story is excellent in it’s own right, the depression Bastila feels and her reaction to the perceived reaction of her shipmates and others fits considering what had occurred. Revan’s reaction fit’s the character, making you feel for both.

Well done.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic: Mantle of Destiny, Chapter I
Kagi Vayun

Six years after KOTOR: Revan sends a message to his loved one…

The piece is interesting in that Revan’s wild suicide charge into the Unknown Regions is ignored. Beyond that the piece is excellent in that we get to see Revan as a Jedi instead of the dark lord.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:47 PM   #1002
Arcesious
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I was wondering if you offer reviews as stories currently being made progress.

Some people (like me) don't get a lot of criticizing posts about their stories aside from the first post, and I'd like to know what you think of my story (Cataclysmic Infinium) at this point, if its not too much trouble. What should I improve upon or add onto? What should I re-format or redo, etc, etc.


Please feed the trolls. XD
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Old 05-22-2009, 09:25 PM   #1003
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arcesious View Post
I was wondering if you offer reviews as stories currently being made progress.

Some people (like me) don't get a lot of criticizing posts about their stories aside from the first post, and I'd like to know what you think of my story (Cataclysmic Infinium) at this point, if its not too much trouble. What should I improve upon or add onto? What should I re-format or redo, etc, etc.
There are two ways; you can ask the people in the Beta thread to critique. Those I have noticed have offered so far would be fair.

The other option would be to send me a copy by e-mail.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 05-29-2009, 01:27 AM   #1004
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Nemesis of the Sith: Revan's Journey to the unknown...
Te Mirdala Mand'alor

PostKOTOR: Revan begins his campaign in the Unknown Region

Into, not in to. The sentence ‘And the scouts we sent to investigate haven’t reported back. Even when we tried raising them on the comm.’ suggests that they have communicated, since not raising them implies an answer. No reply as the old saying goes is equal to enemy action.

The piece is a bit choppy, but as Commander Q said when quoting me; proofreading is what it needs most at the moment. Keep it up.

Welcome to the Forum

Right?
Tysyacha

NonSW fiction: A tale right out of the Twilight Zone

The piece is chilling, especially the last line. Knowing our society, I can almost picture it happening. I am curious how the legend of Perseus and Andromeda applies, and really want to know.

Pick of the Week

Unnamed Western
Carsew

‘and his hair, even though he looked like he was only thirty, was already balding‘. is badly worded. I would have suggested ‘even though he looked like he was only thirty, was already balding’ which would have given the same concept without the unnecessary words. As for measurements, remember that even if it were set in Australia in the 1870s, the metric system had the better part of six more decades before it became common outside of continental Europe.

Technical (Putting on my ‘oh god it’s overdone’ hat) ‘he had drawn his right pistol and fired a shot at the mans revolver, making the gun fly out of his hand and land a few feet away‘. As much as old Hollywood loved the good guys disarming the enemy instead of
Killing them, there are few record instances of a man shooting the gun out of the other man’s hand. As Tom Clancy pointed out in Patriot Games when a barrister suggested that the main character (Jack Ryan) should have shot the gun from a man’s hand, Ryan pointed out that those who learn to use handguns learn to aim for center of mass, I.E., the torso.

Shooting him in the arm (The brachial plexus in the upper chest is actually an easier target) would have disarmed him without killing him, and made sure he could not return fire.

kotorfanmedia

Leaving
Mantle of the Force

PostKOTOR: The hardest part of leaving is saying goodbye.

Lay instead of lied. Other than that and some editing errors, it was excellent.

Star Wars Kotor III: The Last Battle (Part One)
Bastila Skywalker

PostTSL: The climactic battle against the true Sith is only the beginning.

The piece flows well, and while the battle looks scripted it worked very well.

Pick of the Week

Nothing Like I Expected
SinnedAria

KOTOR On Tatooine: Sometimes, you can speak to someone like your mother; even if it is only in a letter never sent.

The introspection is wonderful, going over how Revan is not what she expected. The end is perfect.

Pick of the Week

Jolee's rebirth Jerrig Tora

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Jolee considers comeing out of his shell

Unfortunately, there were editorial errors that kept me from truly enjoying the work. Misspelling, some misplaced words, that kind of thing. I did enjoy it, but it was a little hard to follow

A Subtle War, Chapter 1
Monarch Rat

Post TSL: The Exile leads a team to help Revan.

The piece is interesting in that you have a world kept ‘dark side’ to prepare for a revolution. It’s worth a look.

Total War, Chapter I - The Liberation of Coruscant
Kagi Vayun

Alternate Universe: The battle of three different time periods is joined

The story is flowing well but I had a problem that is primarily technical, addressed below:

Technical: Picture this from our own world; the combined fleet, comprising the Modern Russian Blue Water Navy (Modern Missile cruisers and carriers), supported by the British Fleet From Jutland, and the Athenian Fleet from the Peloponnesian Wars strikes at the combined American 3rd fleet (Protecting the East Coast).

What is wrong with this picture?

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic: The Apartment
Revan Jast

KOTOR on Taris: As Revan awakens, Carth notices oddities in the records…

The basic work is very good, the scene too short to get a good read on where it’s going; but I for one liked it enough that I wished it was longer.

Evil Emperor Malak
WinterOnasi

Comedy AU: The climactic battle, with a twist…

When it’s marked comedy I’m never sure how to react, so this left me cold…

Until I started reading it.

Lucky for me (I was drinking whiskey at the time) I wasn’t drinking when I read this. Good thing, because while blowing milk (Or coffee or tea) through your nose is only disgusting, doing it with alcohol can hurt. Believe the old man here.

The piece is not only funy it is outrageously funny.

Pick of the Week

Spectre of the Past, Chapter 1

Lord Valentai

Six monhs PostKOTOR: Revan has to deal with hs second love.. Mission.

An interesting concept, carried to it’s fruition; The idea that Revan and Mission, bereft of both Zaalbar and Bastila might have gotten together is a unique view. I enjoyed the story immensely.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-30-2009, 06:00 PM   #1005
Tysyacha
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Thanks for the Pick of the Week! Does Kirae remind you of someone...familiar?

If it does, I've done my job right.
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Old 06-04-2009, 01:49 AM   #1006
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tysyacha View Post
Thanks for the Pick of the Week! Does Kirae remind you of someone...familiar?

If it does, I've done my job right.
She reminded me of Zakal, but I could be wrong...

oh BTW, is Mass Effect an online game? And if so, does it cost to play?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-04-2009, 06:13 PM   #1007
Hallucination
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I know that it is a primarily offline game, but there might be an online component I don't know about.


Let's kill ourselves.
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:36 AM   #1008
machievelli
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The Silver Zephyr
Blix

The timeline for this series is five years before KOTOR, during KOTOR I and II, and two years after KOTOR II: A man tries to discover the fate of two lost people

The piece is too short to get a good grasp on it, but is flowing nicely. The primarily problems are spacing and spelling, with some editing tossed in.

The biggest problem with word processing programs is that you can use the wrong word, and if that word is spelled correctly, the system will ignore it. Using no as you did, instead of now is therefore both wrang and acceptable. That is why you have to remember to reread then edit. As for spelling, it is illogical not unlogicial.

As for spacing, we on this forum have found that putting extra spaces between paragraphs and conversation breaks helps when we’re reading them.

Not bad for a first attempt

Welcome to the forum

kotorfanmedia

Ends and Means
Crucival

PostKOTOR Enroute to Malachor V: Revan remembers the climactic battle of the Star Forge

The piece is well wrought, the interesting idea being that while Revan is the ‘good guy’ now, he still has the same ‘the ends justify the means’ attitude. If this is continuing I wish I had time to read the rest.

A Long Time Waiting
Midnight Hawk

30 years after KOTOR: Bastila waits for Revan to return

The piece is bittersweet as another person commented, and while some don’t like that style, I love it.

Pick of the Week

Crossed Wars Chapter 1
Lord Yankee

KOTOR At Taris: KOTOR and Stargate collide

Crossovers don’t always work; you have to enjoy both series to really get into it. I for one never liked the Stargate Series because while the return to earth in the first was logical, they never explained what symbols were used in the series and it bugged me on a ‘writer’s rational explanation level’.

However starting the action where it did helped a lot and I enjoyed this.

Of Gizkas and Potatoes
Kabutar

KOTOR: Snapshots of their adventures

An interesting take on the scenes, and the word snapshots fit’s the style perfectly, leaping from Revan to Bastila and back as if each had taken a camera and took the pictures that they liked best.

Too Many Justins - Chapter 1
Back In Blaque

Starting 8 months after KOTOR: Bastila waits for Revan to return… But who is this man claiming to be him?

The story went well until the last line, and I enjoyed it. What bothered me was they knew the face and the name, but it appeared this is not Revan? Did the Council do plastic surgery as well? If so, how did first Karath then Malak recognize him on first sight?

The Return
Kandon Kuuson

PostTSL: Revan and the Exile return to Coruscant; Revan hopes to see Bastila… But what is this underlying thread?

Some words left out making the sentences read wrong. I will only use one example; ‘Where remembered all the good times he had’ needed a he after where.

The piece was well done beyond that, and my only worry is that maybe they are breaking up…

Pick of the Week

Path of the Exile Chapter 1
A R Minion

Post TSL: As the Exile gets his arm looked at, he remembers the battle of Dxun.

The piece flowed well but there were phrases that caught like rocks in a river, making it slightly difficult to read. This is an editing and polishing problem, so it is no biggie.

The "I Love You" Song
Madison Desdemona

Six years Post KOTOR: Revan finally returns… but how does Bastila feel?

The piece flowed well, though I agreed with two of the reviewers, who pointed
out that having Bastila mope around for six years was a bit much. As for resourceful comment, I do not agree, though it’s on a specific internal dialogue level. When I talk to myself, I speak in present tense rather than past tense, and I think that is what the author was conveying.

Pick of the Week

Acts of Retribution-Chapter I
The Disciple

PreTSL: The various council members consider the decision they must make about the Exile

You used reticence incorrectly since it means unwilling to talk rather than vehement in denial. That said it was the only flaw I saw beyond some editing problems.

The story flowed well, each character sharply defined and in keeping with the game. This is one of the stories I wish I could read to fruition.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic: Taris - The Upper City
Revan Jast

KOTOR on Taris: The two heroes need to find a way into the lower city

The piece did have it’s comedic points, and it flowed well. Having Seth watchng the waitress because of her state of undress was a riot. But the abrupt turn from comedic to dramatic (Killing the Sith at the party) rather ruined the ride for me.

Click-Pop Snap-Hiss
Gabrielle

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: The dark side Exile plots her next moves with her ‘favorite’ apprentice.

The piece flowed well, and the interplay between thoughts and comments was well done. Atton’s worries are clearly defined, and made the piece excellent.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-12-2009, 01:37 AM   #1009
machievelli
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Angelic Infinity
Starsword

NonSW Fiction: An ambush closes on it’s target

The piece worked well though it dragged a bit. Try to come up with better names for your equipment; jumper is rather vague, and the attempt at the end to use it seemed as if it were supposed to be either magical or psionic in nature. You could also have taken the time to explain why it is impossible to teleport a moving vessel; since by definition nothing in the universe is at rest.

As an example in the Honor Harrington Universe they have an upper limit for translation into hyperspace (.80C) and specific rules for reentry into normal space.

Good work.

Out Comes The Evil
Rtas Vadum

TSL Enroute to Korriban: The Exile falls farther to the dark side.

The flow needs work. You’re using cumbersome sentences, and homonyms instead of the proper words (weather instead of whether). Read your work and try to spot such errors. As an example I posted one piece and someone commented I’d used they’re instead of their. I went through it for a month before I found it.

The piece is unremittingly dark. A bit of shivery darkness. Well done.

Kotor III The True Sith
Sarpedon2

Post TSL: The Republic sets out to restore order.

The work is good for an intro, but you had some odd word usage. Conspiring implies a darker intent for example.

As for making the story bite sized chunks; that will not get people to comment. I think you need an axe sword or gun to get half the people on the forum to even admit they’re here. I’ve been here a while, I should know.

Sin's Price
Rtas Vadum

PreKOTOR before the Mandalorian Wars: An abrasive captain meets Revan for the first time

The piece was an interesting look at the situation before the wars began. My primary disagreements are technical and addressed below.

Technical: Admirals and Captains do not argue in this manner. Your main character accused the admiral of both cowardice and incompetence straight out. While he can think it, even believe it, the way you had him say it would have ended his command if not his career.

Like any stratified society you have to be careful how you word your comments. When a junior officer questions his superior officer’s action, he does so in a non-confrontational manner. He is cognizant of all the courtesy due even if he thinks the other officer an idiot. A perfect example is in the movie A Bridge Too Far, where the S2 (Intelligence Staff officer) questions the reconnaissance done before Market Garden was launched. He is adamant but respectful and General Browning finally relented.

As a further historical example, if you watch the Movie Tora Tora Tora, there is the scene where the senior officer are discussing the proposed attack. Admiral Nagumo, who would later command the strike force voices the concern that over half Japan’s carrier strength is being risked on what could have been a very dangerous operation. One of the other officers comments that Nagumo’s words are defeatist. Nagumo leaps to his feet, and you could almost see his wishing for a sword. The man who made the statement is shocked, yet rises to his feet because they were his words, and he had stand by them.

Second; unless the task force is thrown together in an ad hoc manner, the captain of a flagship (Also called the flag captain) is the commander’s tactical deputy. Regardless of his personality, the Flag Captain has to understand his commander so well that he can act for his Admiral knowing that it is what his superior would want to do. Flag Captain is an important ticket to punch when going for high command; it shows not only willingness to work well, but also the chance to prove your own proficiency. A test your captain would have failed.

Tick Tock
Adavardes

SW No specific period: A descent into madness

Short, sweet and to the point. Worth a vote if I did vote.

Pick of the Week

Intention
Vanir

SW During time before ROTS: Cooking calms the nerves, and songs teach

The piece is interesting in that the song speaks of both sides of the human equation. Construction and destruction. Evil and good. It’s a good thing I don’t vote. This time it would have been a tie.

Pick of the Week
Hazel Eyes
Burnseyy

Non SW Fiction: A young girl struggles with her feeling, and her desire to find out if the one she love might love her

The piece is very good introspective look. How many of us out there do not have such worries and wonders? Not only about our sexuality, but about anything. How many of us think our writing may be good enough but know the publishers will reject it?

No I’m not taking a dig at you kids. I have the same worry.


kotorfanmedia

Light
Koon

KOTOR after the battle of the Star Forge: Revan remembers that last fight, and mourns

The style is good, the story ended at just the right poignant note. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Light Side Male Revan

Irreversible
Gabrielle

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile goes on a rampage

The piece is chilling, the scenes a chiaroscuro of madness. The end, her own thoughts begging him for forgiveness before she realizes what he has done is almost a blessing.

Pick of the Week

Light Side Female Revan

The March of the Black Queen
Mercury Magic

KOTOR During the final battle of the Star Forge: Bastila reveals her true heart.

This story is like a snake. Every time you think you have a grip on what’s happening, it turns in you hand and bites you. It isn’t until the end you understand.

Excellent style and great work.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR and I
Bling Masta

KOTOR all over the place: Careful, we might get sued…

This one started interesting and leaping back and forth through what was happening and when was just the icing on the cake. All I’ve got to say is someone should shoot that narrator. The first scene was just getting interesting…

Pick of the Week

Awkward Memories.
Bastila Skywalker
PostKOTOR: Revan knows he must go, and wishes he didn’t.

Some word usage problems uneasily doesn’t need to be hyphenated neither does unsolved; and you used fist instead of first then rapped instead of wrapped. These are editing problems, easily corrected.

The piece flowed well, the quiet time before Revan left to go on his mission lovingly portrayed.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-19-2009, 10:28 AM   #1010
machievelli
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Crossover
Chevron 7 Locke

RPG From Site: RPG meets real life

The piece was amusing from the start. The daughter frustrated between the television and commenting on ‘Uncle Vald’, the mother casually calling for a shotgun and suggesting the girl go off with a boyfriend while she handled what was occurring (With admonitions on what to do is his fingers wander).

At the author’s request, I waited and read the last posting. A pity, Chev, I had a higher opinion before that last section. It was good, and the last section didn’t really fit, but as the author, that was your choice.

Having never gone by the Dantooine Theater Company, I don’t know the characters, but the use of them was interesting.

Come on Chev, is this all? More!

Blood of the Republic
Lord Spitfire

Six Months Post TSL: The new Chancellor has his own plan, and his own ‘little list’.

The biggest problem with the work is flow. Yo use cumbersome sentences such as; ‘One mistake he made’ which would have been better saying ‘If he made the wrong mistake’. You also use he wrong word occasionally (Pouched as in put in a pouch instead of the pouch itself). These are editing problems, easily corrected.

Knowing something of politics (At 55 I learned something about it in self defense) what your chancellor is planning could be very risky. Organized crime in the US has been around since the second decade of the 20th century, and few of the gangs have been broken. You are trying to carry out a ‘war on crime’ such as they declared in the 70s with little or no result. As someone sarcastically said back then, unless you’re going to fight it with tanks and bombs it’s a war you’ll never win.

But it looks like it is going to be interesting.

2014: The final chapter 1984 redux
Tysyacha

NonSW Fiction: 1984 rewritten

It has been four decades since I read 1984, and this chilled me. The ‘party’ brought up all of the terror of 1984 because I understand what Orwell created back in the late 40s and Tysyacha has reached down and made me remember that long forgotten work.

Not only worth the read; not just Pick of the week, but Best of the Best this week.

A Jedi Shall Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor Love.
Mara Nedolo

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: Love never goes smoothly… especially for Jedi

The piece has an almost comedic sense to it, primarily because we’ve all been through what Revan and Bastila are going through; except for the stricture of not loving at all. The reactions both of Bastila and Revan fit a stereotypical couple who cannot be together because of circumstances right down to tears and pouting.

Excellent work

A Black Rose, By Any Other Name...
Crucival

KOTOR After the Star Forge: A unique twist on the events in TSL

The piece was interesting in that the author used events we remember from TSL, yet quirked tem using the characters from KOTOR. The ending was choice in that Bastila waited so long for her revenge, and removed the Sith Trumvirate in her own style.

Pick of the Week

Pookie
Jae Onasi

Originally reviewed six October 2006 at Lucasforums Jedi Archive. Original review below;

KOTOR on Tatooine: So how did we end up with a Gizka?

The style is excellent, the byplay between characters excellent, and the premise not only plausible, but fun. An excellent read.

Over in the Kotorfanmedia site they have dueling challenges. Having never actually seen the originals, just the responses, I haven’t paid that much attention to them. After this one maybe I should.

Reprise Pick of the Week

A Picture On The Mantle
Back in Blaque

PostKOTOR: Lena finally gets a good man

The piece covers one of the ancillary characters from KOTOR, and does it well. Lena is one of those characters where you wonder what happened to her later; her brief dealing with Griff had set her up for a fall, and having him be the author of her problems later put him in my personal better dead than alive category.

Having her find if not true love, at least a loving man was perfect revenge.

Pick of the Week

The Promised Land
Far

KOTOR on Taris: The struggle of the Outcasts

An illustrated story, the only problem I had was that the link to page 4 took me to an ad with no way to go on, so I didn’t read that section. The idea that you would have a schism in the group, one going on to the original promised land, the other to the upper world was well handled.

I could see Shaleena doing this; she didn’t want the perfect life. She wanted the stars. It’s nice to know she got her chance.

The Haunted King
Denomara

After the incident with Leviathan: Revan knows what he must do, and plots as he sits alone

The piece is good, though I don’t understand the watch and watch you have imposed. The best was having one name we would remember as good, then the ‘real’ name imposed was very interesting indeed.

Trust Issues
Nivenus

KOTOR, Ebon Hawk en route to Manaan: Carth mulls over his trust issues

The piece was delightful in that all those displayed (Everyone but T3 and Juhani) spoke with their own voice, and expressed themselves in a clear manner that set them apart. Having it begin with a Dejarik game, as one reviewer pointed out, is a way to set a conflict without actual bloodshed, though HK seems to have missed it, and had to add some of his own.

Well worth reading.

Pick of the Week

From the Star Forge to the Future
DarthNotRevan

KOTOR a week after the Star Forge: One final dinner before departing

The piece is short but a nice little read

Disgraced Knight's Atonement: 1 - Revelation
BobGens001
KOTOR after Leviathan: Revan wrestles with who he had been, and who he has become.
The piece, as another reviewer commented, ran the gamut of every possible emotion the character would have been feeling, and did so in a fluid manner that is well polished. Worth reading.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-26-2009, 10:00 AM   #1011
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To Hide Behind a Veil
Insignia Enithma

Set somewhere in TSL: A dream links past and future

The piece is relatively well written, especially for a first posting. Without thought, there is no obvious connection between the past and future scenes. I read it all the way through before working out that the one named character was the child.

The society seems incredibly harsh. I can understand the logic of tests of adulthood, but making three, two of which are usually fatal, would keep the clan from being very big. In fact since most do not survive the second test, it would make them unable to maintain the society for more than a few generations. This would make sense only if the ones who must take these tests have other options; I.E., not taking it at all, but have much lower social standing.

Welcome to the forum, give us more.

Vode An
Mandalore The Shadow

KOTOR on Dantooine: The Mandalorians have a plan…

Watch out for cumbersome sentence structure. ‘They had trained close to each other since they were eight years old their fathers had been friends.’ would have been more understandable if it had been written; ‘Their fathers had been friends and they had trained closely together since they were eight’.

The piece is dry, with all of the action except the last at one remove. One element necessary for good fiction is conflict, and while you have that at the end, the battle itself made no sense. Without the Force there is no way the team you have would have been able to gain any of the remaining star maps for one, and having a strike team of Mandalorians penetrate the Temple’s security (You did not specify another port, and that is the only place we see the Ebon Hawk on the ground) is like suggesting a team of white mice are going to raid a cat show to bell one specific cat.

It needs work, and if you’d like, send me a pm with your e-mail and I’ll be glad to go through this line by line.

Welcome to the forum.

kotorfanmedia

The Jedi-est of all?
BastilasApprentice

Within the force somewhere: Several Jedi spirits get together to decide who was the baddest of them all.

The author had fun with this, I can see. I laughed at the ending segment more than anything else, because each of the others, when confronted with what Revan had done compared with them they thought, ‘hey, he did all that but he didn’t have a babe’ until Bastila arrived.

Very amusing.

KOTOR Version 2-Chapter 1-Awakening
Hitokiri Akins

PreKOTOR rewritten: What if Revan had remembered who he was before they sent him out?

The piece flows well, the logic of the method used feels good. As a previous reviewer commented, sending out a Jedi incognito makes more sense than expecting a partially amnesiac soldier to excel in the situation.

One of those I wish I could read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR Ch.1: Is this the way to Corvis Minor?
Dobraye Utra

Beginning scenes of KOTOR: The pair of survivors begin to gather their team as they wander the sewers

The piece was interesting in that the author gave several points of view, Syd, Carth, Bastila, and added scenes you would have expected. Having Syd (Reavn) come back with the uniforms blind drunk was choice.

Star wars T.L.O.T.J 1 KotOR 1 Chapter 1
Revan Starwalker

Beginning of KOTOR: The fight on the Endar Spire

I see others have raked you over the coals for grammar so I won’t go there. What I will address is below:

Technical. When you assigned your Revan a rank, you also had to modify the way people spoke to him. We only had two interactions, but the one I am talking about is Ensign Ulgo speaking to Commander Starwalker.

Your Ulgo would be guilty of chares under military law because an Ensign is the most junior Commissioned Officer rank you can have, in Military Parlance, an O1. Starwalker on the other hand, using Army rankings would be a Major, an O4. His manner to a superior is insolent and insulting. Telling a superior officer what to do is a military no-no and if he had survived, the least he could be charged with is disrespecting a superior.

In the game no rank is given, and it is assumed he is enlisted, or civilian; the tone of the game fits that more readily.

There are ways to do everything you had Ulgo do, but the tone would have needed to be different and less disrespectful.

They Come
SithBurnBaby

KOTOR on Rakata Prime: When Gizka reach critical mass…

Comments on style have already been addressed, so I will not repeat them.

The biggest problem I had with the piece is; where did all of the extra people come from? You place it before the pair met on the summit of the temple, but that is long before the fleet arrived. So having patrols of both Sith and Republic troops made no sense.

Heartbroken
Darth Osiris

KOTOR on the Star Forge: Linking the two games together

The fight scene was well done, and the abrupt death of Basila disturbing. The fact that Jaq will be Atton in the second game was a unique way to link them.

Why KOTOR's so easy, Background + Chapter 1 -- Taris
MainStreet

KOTOR+ Star Trek Crossover: Well there had to be some reason the game is so easy at this point…

The idea of tossing in the Defiant violates the rules of ‘A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away’, but it would be an explanation as to why the Vulkars inside the base are as dumb as posts. Combining the two was nicely done, but having the Defiant crew get involved doesn’t explain why the ship is there, or how they know who to support.

Back to the Past, Chapter 1
Leiko

PreKOTOR: The Padawan and Apprentice have to learn to work together.

The work needs polishing and editing, especially in remembering conversation breaks. Also check for word usage since a spell check will not spot this. ‘being staring’ instead of been staring is the prime example.

The logic that a Guardian is automatically assigned to every Consular and Sentinel bothered me a bit. They are the warriors of the order, but if a Sentinel or Consular were that easy to kill, there wouldn’t be many of them in the order at all. Also there would be times when you would not have a spare Guardian laying around to plug and play.

Revan’s suggestion that she would be better with a saber staff suggests that he noticed something wrong with her stance that Vrook had not, something sword masters and especially their star pupils would notice. Good scene. I was wondering though who told her not to use the force when fighting?

The thing I liked best, and the pair seemed to ignore when they got their instructions, was that such a pairing makes perfect sense. They have to learn to work together, and forcing them into such a pairing will force them to learn. Revan had to curb his puckish attitude, Bastila had to learn to loosen up.

Interesting, and as one has already said, more.

Pick of the week

Path of the Exile: Prelude Series
A.R. Minion

PreKOTOR: The Exile is assigned to work with a young historian…

Remember to edit, and especially look for improper word usage, startle instead of start for example.

The basics set the scene well, where Atris came from, the Exile’s past and the reason he was noticed by the Jedi, and how he made them uncomfortable. I was wondering which trait bothered them the most; that he had used the Force to be a superb pickpocket? Of his force bond capability.

Throwing these two together, and bringing in characters we would know well later was a nice touch.

Pick of the Week

Trial Of The Spirit - Chapter 1 of 4
Bobgens001

PostKOTOR: Revan and Bastila struggle to fit back into a much smaller order

Your explanation of why the council became so isolationist was well considered and voiced. I have always wondered how a group of something less than 5,000 people throughout their history could have swayed much of galactic opinion.

Zhar’s explanation of why Revan did not need to go through the trials again was also good. As he said, what test could they have found that would exceed what had to be done to win in KOTOR?

By the same token, Bastila’s argument as to why she must face the trials was well done. Even if the rest of the order had accepted it, she still had to prove it to herself. Her comment about the others being sure ’they’ would have resisted was the perfect counterpoint in the same argument.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-03-2009, 09:56 AM   #1012
machievelli
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The Way of the Warrior
CommanderQ

NonSW Fiction set in 1583: A young man seeks adventure

The basics are good CQ. The piece is too short to get a good handle on, but I think it might turn out interesting.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

Setting suns
SaturdayInAugust

KOTOR, no specific period specified: Watching the sun set

The piece is short, but the mood well laid. Linking now with Carth, and then, with Malak is a good touch.

Light Side Female Revan

Crush
MoonMythology

TSL, no specific time frame: It can’t be love…

The piece is as another reviewer stated, sweet simple and short. The infatuation is heightened by her only real interplay with the one she is thinking of, trying to appear the tough little girl so perhaps he will stand off, yet in her imagination having that be the primary attraction.

Pick of the week.

Alcohol Issues
MoonMythology

TSL on Citadel Station: in vino et veritas

One minor editing suggesting several times you ran words together. It is a minor thing. I do it myself sometimes.

The piece is amusing primarily because of the difference between the Exile in control, and her drunk, something every one knows by watching the repressed actually loosening up when they drink. Her action were clear and choice. Her reply to the pick up line was anticipated, but fit with the reason she was drinking. Her questioning Atton fit with the situation, and his own reply fit the character.

Very enjoyable.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side Male Revan

Retribution - Interlude
Lord Zeuss

KOTOR, Enroute to Dantooine: Bastila begins to worry about how much control she actually has…

The writing is tight and suspenseful. The only thing bothering me was where was this restraint planted? If you hadn’t played the game it would be excellent story, and even with that one intellectual question, it’s still good.

Pick of the Week

Light Side Male Revan

Where She Could Not Follow
AthenaPrime

TSL aboard Citadel station: A brief meeting between two old friends with a dark secret.

This was disturbing , primarily because as it shows, there are falls that are so quiet. The Bastila that had so much hope in KOTOR is gone, replaced by a woman desperate to have the one thing she wants in the universe, and knows she cannot.

The page break has a lot of people convinced that time has passed, but the wording of the first paragraph suggests little time, and shows her darkest secret. The line that struck me best was ‘Dared her to follow and mocked her inability to do so.’. How many have seen a loved one fall into madness and wish they could at least accompany their love on that journey? Something that can be pretended as she did, but not an option in reality.

Pick of the Week


I'm Not Such A Bad Guy
Blaine Averre

KOTOR On Taris: As a rogue he’s not that bad a guy

I have always played KOTOR as a soldier because I felt more comfortable there. But seeing this I am almost tempted to try it as a scoundrel. The author had a lot of fun with the dichotomy of someone who’d hold people at gun point to rob them, then turn around and save the Ithorian and the man being rousted by bounty hunters. Two side of the same man. Even his reason for choosing the Republic over the Sith fit.

I can even see Carth as this uncomfortable, after all the description fits someone more comfortable in a controlled environment.

All in all, a good read.

Pick of the Week

Meanwhile... (A Loose Ends tie in)
Dobraye Utra

Post KOTOR: A team searches for Revan

An interesting read. The author obviously placed Korriban as one of the first planets to go to because Yuthura assisted in evacuating Dantooine, but that as with any such game was the player’s choice.

The crew meshed well, and being the only human known to be aboard, it’s not surprising that Ash would be in for some teasing.

A Simple Mission
BlackKnight

PostKOTOR: Revan completes yet another mission.

The primary disagreement I had; the placement of the troops, has been addressed so I will not belabor the point. The scene itself was bland, needing more description and color.

The fight itself needs more description. As much as the game graphics has people just standing there and flailing away in real life someone is in motion toward a better position, cover, etc. Ten men just standing there and blasting away is unrealistic.

A Delerious Jedi
JediQB

No specific period: A rather odd day for Revan. Written as a birthday present for a person with the same screen name.

For a moment I sat stunned at the end of this story. It was as described, comedic and I had a lot of fun with it.

The comment about no bathrooms caused me to smirk. There’s many a time you look at someone’s map of a ship or dungeon and the first thing you think is, where’s the bathroom on this thing?

Schmoopy-kins? I was just picturing that cultured British accent with these words, and almost lost it. Having one light saber just stop working was fun and the dreaded Vyper replying "I am the viper. I am here to vipe the vindows." Caught me off guard.

Very funny.

Malak Rising
Dakari

Alternate Universe PreKOTOR during Mandalorian Wars: What if Malak had gone, and Revan had stayed home?

The piece is well done except for some word usage, direly instead of desperately, steered instead of stirred. There were also punctuation and tense problems, but those were addressed by another reviewer.

It is interesting seeing the fall from outside with Revan as the one watching. The plan to eliminate all of the ones Malak didn’t trust was well done, even down to knowing what the General in charge would do in that case. Using Taris as the starting point for the return of the Sith instead of Telos merely brought us full circle

Pick of the Week.

Character Flaws
Jaina Solo

KOTOR before Korriban: A prody of the quirks in every character with poor Revan an unwilling audience.

The piece immediately degenerated into sheer silliness. Not that the comment is negative, I like silliness sometimes.

It is funny and a bit surreal. Especially Revan just giving in at the end.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-10-2009, 09:46 AM   #1013
machievelli
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Vinovnymi (Guilty): Part One
Tysyacha

NonSW fiction: At what point does justice become brutality?

The piece is interesting in that the stark reality of it mirrors some of the modern world. My own take on the death penalty is that it is applied almost lackadaisically. I look at the much cleaner system used by Elizabethan England where cruel and unusual punishment was considered to be making you wait an interminable time for an execution; something the Inquisitions and the Soviet system in Russia did all the time. Oh you’ll die, but it’s when we choose.

The Life of Venku Ordo
rc-2212payback

No specific era given: A young Jedi becomes instead a Mando’a

Remember conversation breaks. If all of the dialogue is stuffed into a paragraph, you don’t know who is speaking. Don’t worry; There are four modern authors in publication that have made the same mistake, even in finished works.

Don’t try to force the action on. Think of the flow of the story as a river with eddies when emotions are being shown, and rapids when the action takes place.

The middle part of the story was the best because I can’t see the Jedi throwing someone out because of a scuffle, even if it were with light sabers. By their actions neither Dane nor his opponent were acting like a proper Jedi, even on a student level.

The end was even more illogical, since the Jedi tend to be highly efficient, why would they need to place a bounty? The action in that scene was good though, flowing nicely almost in a combat gestalt.

All in all a good first attempt. Welcome to the Forum.

Light Side Male Revan

Between
LWIlliams2186

PostKOTOR: Captured by the True Sith, Revan contemplates both past and future.

The writing style is good, the piece dark and foreboding. Perhaps there will be more.

Pick of the Week

If you were mine
KnightOfThe Word

AU KOTOR During Leviathan encounter: What if Malak had not captured Bastila?

The piece flows from the one remark I made about the work above. How much would the universe have changed if Bastila had not been taken? The rest of the story does continue well, inserting Bastila into the mix with ease. Having them all declared masters was a bit much, but having Revan become one fit.

I myself enjoyed Revan punching Vrook out. There were times when I wondered if hitting him would be as satisfying.

Pick of the Week

Path of the Exile: Prelude Series
A.R. Minion

PreKOTOR: The one who will be the Exile teaches a young Mical a lesson.

The biggest problem was word usage. As an example you used scrounged when describing Mical’s position on the ground, but the word means collected rather than anything a person feeling threatened would do. That isn’t the only time, but it was the most obvious.

The characters, especially the masters, were well portrayed. It also does explain Bandon.

Interlude – Young and in Love
KnightOfThe Word

Unspecified time: Even Sith fall in love

The piece has some ripples caused by improper word usage in some places. All in all it was good work, especially the idea that these Sith at least are just folk like everyone else.

The mother he never had.

Revan Sama

Post TSL: Revan dreams of the one he considered his mother.

It was an interesting look at how a Padawan must feel about his or her master. Also one that suggests that as much as the Jedi eschew emotional ties, they are stronger than they realize.

Forbidden love
Revan Sama

Post KOTOR: Revan considers what life will be like.

A good look at Revan’s feelings for Bastila. The dichotomy of loving and knowing you shouldn’t is played well, and his decision to just love her and take his chances is perfect.

Pick of the Week

Crisis Disambiguation
Gabrielle

PostKOTOR: A dark side Revan escapes from confinement and meets another character we know.

The piece flowed well, Revan is dark enough that you wonder about his sanity as well. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Jedi Destiny, Chapter 1
DarthBubbles

PostKOTOR: The heroes of the Star Forge try to settle back into their lives.

The piece flowed well, everyone finding parts of their lives to pick up again. The way Bastila still worries about falling yet again is counter pointed by Revan’s love. One of those I wish I could read through completely.

Pick of the Week.

Krayt Freedom, Chapter 1
DarthBubbles

14 years PostKOTOR: When they’re not studying, they’re in a rock band?

The idea that the son of Revan and Bastila would be a Jedi is a foregone conclusion, but to have him be lead singer in a Jedi Rock band? Choice!

Pick of the Week

One last dance
Revan Sama

PostKOTOR: Love unexpressed eats at them, will they ever just say it?

The piece flowed well, the fact that both are unwilling to express their feelings is poignant.

Pick of the Week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-13-2009, 01:37 PM   #1014
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thanks for the advice. i'll try to do better. thanks again for the advice.


Does anyone actually read these?
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Old 07-17-2009, 10:05 AM   #1015
machievelli
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One Shot: Hungry ("Vremya" Redux)
Tysyacha
Post TSL: Bastila delivers an ultimatum to the Exile

Having read the Vremya series all the way through, I know the characters very well. Demanding that the Exile tell her where Revan is a bit more like stalking than true love.

Light Side Female Exile

kotorfanmedia

Nar Shaddaa - Part 1
BlueStar705

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Finding Zez-Kai Ell won’t be easy.

You lost my interest when you mentioned Earth. The Canon goes, ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’, so having Earth be a part of this galaxy doesn’t fit. You got it back when they entered the refugee sector however. The manner in which your characters got in, and allowed themselves to be captured to get to the boss was well done.

Light Side Male Revan

Crisis Connection
Gabrielle
PostKOTOR on Coruscant: Revan drags an unwilling Atton into his plans

The piece flows relatively well. The differences between the different versions of naked were amusing.

Acquisition
Rotgutt

PreKOTOR: Two apprentices arrive to woo a new member into the Jedi order… sort of.

The piece is nice and dark. The ‘fight’ scene amusing in it’s own way. Unfortunately where I come from, this would be defined as kidnapping. All in all an interesting read, albeit short.

Redemption
ArchonDemetrus

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Love can be used to heal

The work flows well, and while it is one of the scenes done most often, it is always one of the good ones. The only thing I missed that might have made it better would have been having Revan more appalled by his actions when he did hit Bastila, but that is just me.

Sleheyron: Welcome
343Panic

KOTOR: A new Star Map on Sleheyron leads to some interesting events.

Placing a Star Map on Sleheyron made for interesting events all by itself, but adding both Dustil and Yuthura to the mix guaranteed it. Between the Onasi boys arguing, Mission cheating at Pazzak and Yuthura deciding to take care of unfinished business the piece never stopped moving.

Pick of the Week.

A Smuggler's Story, Part 1, Endar Spire, Chapter 1
DarthBubbles

KOTOR, Reprise of the Endar Spire: The scoundrel starts to settle in, making everyone else uncomfortable.


DarthBubbles showed up last week twice, getting picks of the week, just the intro almost got another one. The story itself ran well. Having him try to fix a machine he knew nothing about was funny, and the interplay between him and Trask a riot.

Pick of the Week

Regret, Prologue & Chapter 1
AttonLover89

PostKOTOR enroute to Coruscant: Revan is plagued by visions of the past

The problem I had as someone else commented, is the third person present flow. It works, but feels a bit uncomfortable. The piece is good and we would all assume that Revan would keep getting flash backs from his past.

Reforged: Chapter 1 - So It Begins

MasterZachSolo

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The escape

Except for the start, this was basically a generic retelling. The one part that bothered me was confiscating his weapons and that the first he knew was when he opened his locker.

A Beautiful Sight
Riddler

PostKOTOR: Revan remembers the past few months

This piece is basically a review of what had happened, and has already been exhaustively reviewed. The only comment I have is on the Gender. As much as every one keeps saying male is canon, I have yet to see anything specifically states that Revan is male. In fact in the Chronology of the Star Wars universe, when discussing Revan no personal pronouns were used., leaving it ambiguous.

If someone has something actually authoritative, please let me know.

The Man Forgotten, Chapter 1
Nitus

PostKOTOR: Revan struggles with the one Sith he has yet to defeat… Himself.

The piece started out well, and flowed to a logical conclusion with a single twist at the end. Saying goodbye is always the hardest part of the adventure.

Reversal
Riddler

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Just tweak the characters a bit…

The author cracked me up from the start, especially when Zaalbar explains that they were all suffering from being out of character. Having Revan ignore this when Bastila makes her move was choice, especially the explanation; ‘I’m a man, and while it’s wrong, I am going to take advantage of the situation’.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-23-2009, 11:24 PM   #1016
machievelli
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Wrong Place, Wrong Time, Wrong Place
JediAthos

Imperial Era: A serious of navigational errors.

I think Darth Insidious ripped you up pretty good, so let me ease it down here:

He is right that you have cumbersome sentences, but that is an editing problem. He was right about the Captain’s comment in that you could have done so much more with it, just as you could have done more with the interplay of the brothers. That is why I always advise rereading, editing and rewriting. Even if you’re trying to get it in before the deadline, try to do that at least once or twice. For that matter, try vocalizing the dialogue. Using that the ellipse does work better, but it is still a judgment call.

Remember, you are the author, they’re your characters, not ours. You could never please all of us, so try to satisfy yourself first.

The Unknown Planet
Mandalore the Shadow

KOTOR in pursuit of the Ebon Hawk: The Mandalorians arrive ahead of the Hawk, but to no avail.

‘Had left already’ should be ‘had already left’.

Technical: Regardless of advances in medical science, they are not going to be cranking out robotic arms like flapjacks. As an example, modern prostheses take over a month for just design and manufacture, with two or more weeks for learning to work with it. The replacement as to be designed to match the natural arm in length, flexibility etc, then you have to program it so that it will mimic the natural arm. Not something you’re going to throw together in a few days.

Melee is a definition for close combat including knives, swords, entrenching tools, clubs, rocks and fists. It is not a ‘weapon type’. If I had a gun and was attacked by a man with a sword, my pistol would be a ‘melee’ weapon. If I had a bayonet equipped rifle, it would also be a melee weapon. Saying he had a lot of experience with edged weapons puts it across more accurately.

The piece had a lot of cumbersome sentences, making it difficult to read. It needed polish, and would have been excellent work with that extra effort.

Haven
Writer

Imperial Era: A Navigational error takes the ship to a city hiding in the force.

The writing is up to your normal standards, Writer. It’s good work worth looking at. If I voted, it would get one of mine.

Pick of the Week

Symmetry
Salzella

No specific era mentioned: Sometimes the best laid plans fall to simple stupidity.

The rewind sounds were unnecessary, and detracted from the work. The flashbacks to see exactly what he had done wrong was well done, though standing there like a target facing 20 men was a bit much.

‘just like the movies! ‘ threw me off because it’s so Earth in concept. Using the word ‘holodrama’ would have been better, giving it a futuristic feel. The end was confusing because there is no explanation of who the others were.

The work needed polishing, but is still pretty good. I would have voted for this one.

Detour
Chevron 7 Locke

TSL enroute to Korriban: Pay attention when someone gives you coordinates!

The piece flowed well, and I was smirking by the end. Playing by Nar Shaddaa rules was bad enough, but having it progress where I thought it did was enough to cause me to laugh.

Another one I would have voted for.

Pick of the Week

From Error to Destiny
Black Knight of Keno

A year after ROTS: A misguided ship sets a ship’s captain on a new path.

There were a couple of extra words where they weren’t needed, but that is an editing problem. It flowed relatively well though it was sparse on description.

One problem, the Imperial navy didn’t exist four years before if it is a year since order 66.

As Lazarus Contemplates the Ocean
DarthInSidious

No specific era given: A ship drifts, and dreams…

The piece is interesting enough, though I am a bit old fashioned, and it confused me a bit. T.S Eliot was a good description as a predecessor, because his poetry always intrigued me; though I liked Kipling much more.

Can’t really say anything about it, because as I have said before (About a year ago) I don’t fancy myself a poetry critic.

kotorfanmedia

Empty
Riddler

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: With Bastila dead, what does Revan have to live for?

The piece surprised me for only a moment, but I felt a fierce joy at the end. It was like a cut and polished diamond.

Pick of the Week

Whispers of History
BobGens001

PreKOTOR: Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

This blindsided me. I could see the historical relevance of the events, see the younger rebels reason for disagreeing, but at the same time could see why they resisted so fiercely. The characters I feel sad for were Revan and Vrook. If someone had been willing to explain why the Council refused to fight, perhaps the events of KOTOR would have never occurred. By the same token, if Revan had been willing to ask Vandar, the same could have been said.

Pick of the Week

It's in the Fade out...

Leiko

PostTSL: The main characters compare what they got to do, and the Exile comes out second best.

I started off in this a little rocky. After all I had other stories to read. But thanks to the author I was giggling. I had not noticed there were no ‘fade to black’ screens on my games. Of course the distaff side of love wouldn’t get that slack. But I considered that maybe it would be even. But to discover it wasn’t, I nearly busted up that Revan got one, but the Exile didn’t. A riot!

Pick of the Week

Love and death
Revan Sama

PostKOTOR: The dark side still had a hold on her; so when it reaches out, she takes the ultimate step…

The piece was short sweet, and gut wrenching. It flowed so well it was like a train wreck, you can’t look away. I loved the end because even if she had been used, she didn’t surrender herself.

Pick of the Week.

My shining stars
Jedi Knight Revan

PreKOTOR: The cast is getting together.

The piece was too short to get a real feel for, though I liked your version of the main character. The way Trask reacted was atypical, but not too bad.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:43 AM   #1017
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Secrets of the War
Canderis

PreKOTOR: A mercenary discovers a secret about the war…

‘Whatever was here, he wanted to be away from‘ would have been better as ‘Whatever was here, he wanted to be as far away from it as possible‘. ‘Blow right to the neck’ would have been better as ‘the blade right into his neck’. The work doesn’t flow well, but that is an editing problem to smooth out the rough edges. The basics are good, but any epidemic that moved that fast might panic the government into extreme measures, such as killing those who are ill.

Technical note; a life pod that sealed you in and caused you to suffocate is counter productive. The assumptions (Logical) that you would have to make in design are:

1: The passengers might be unable to fend for themselves due to injury. Maybe there is an uninjured crewman, but that is not a given.

2: Take the passenger(s) to the nearest safe planet if possible. If not, drift in space and signal for rescue. As an example, if a crew abandoned ship in the space between Earth and Mars, the sensor systems would read a minimal atmosphere on the two nearest bodies (Mars and Luna) but a viable atmosphere on Earth. It would head for there. Mapping software would tell the same systems that 70% of the surface is water, therefore it would put itself into insertion for a ground landing.

3: Now assume it dropped them in an Alaskan winter. It would read a viable atmosphere, but extremely low temperatures. The system would then equalize atmosphere, and at the same time heat the incoming air, and keep the internal systems as close to comfortable as possible.

4: Assume a long wait. A pod should have enough life support to last anywhere from several days to a couple of weeks. Otherwise everyone dies long before help arrives.

Welcome to the forum.

I, Avenian
Lord of Hunger

PostKOTOR: A captured Sith tells of his own life

Ease instead of easy. As for the term Revanchist; what are they regaining?

The flow is going well, the basis of discovering people you should trust have been concealing things from you is well done. Building a massive change into the Jedi which led to the present day is also well done.

NSW: Tysy's Cheesy Chess Songs!
Tysyacha

Non SW: To explain how chess pieces move, Tys sinks into songs

All right, it worked, but as I said many times, Tys, I don’t critique songs or poems because as the old saying goes, when it comes to art, I don’t know good from bad, but I know what I like.

The Lost Ones
Yatsookey

No specific era given: The Sith capture two men for unknown purposes…

The piece is nicely foreboding, but not long enough to get a good idea of style.

Welcome to the forum.

A Soul Adrift
Endorenna

Reviewed originally 12 Sept of last year. That review follows:

8 years before the Battle of Naboo: On Ryloth a new birth may herald the future.

This is an excellent first work. You and your Beta deserve commendations. The story is well laid out, the first chapter intriguing enough. Only one thing mars it. Ryloth is reportedly tidally locked, with the people living in caves along the terminator line.

Welcome to the forum.

Pick of the Week.

I was asked to re-review this, so here goes…

You forgot a conversation break or two, that is an editing problem. The piece is flowing well and again, I applaud both you and the beta reader. I only read to the 3rd page of the four, but what you’ve written to that point was outstanding. I am NOT giving you another pick of the week, primarily because if I had forgotten to read it you would have earned it already; the scene where she described ripping his spine while leaving the spinal cord intact was choice.

The fight scene in the warehouse room didn’t sit well only because as anyone who has fought at odds will tell you, getting into the middle of them is the best way to do it. Anyone who you can hit is the enemy, and any attacks you deflect only hit your enemies. The only way it would have worked would be for her to at least pick up a weapon with some standoff range; a pistol or rifle.

Very good work as I said once before, and as your first attempt it worked even better.

Mandalore Wars: Valour
Lord Spitfire

PreKOTOR: The battles rage on Dxun and Onderon

The writing is well done as always LS, though I had problems with some of the scenes you created. Both the Jedi and the civilian forcibly recruited into the Onderonian army seemed a bit shallow to me. My main complaint is in the technical notes below.

Technical note: You described the reinforcements as approximately two million ground forces, including battle droids with twenty thousand fighters, and twenty thousand pilots for those fighters, a hundred dropships, 5500 Jedi, and twelve tank divisions’

The problem is, at no time during their history has a number greater than 10,000 been used as the number of Jedi combined (Including younglings, Padawan, Knights and Masters) Yet you claim a force equal to those already landed so you have more Jedi than all of the order during most of it‘s history if the Colonel‘s numbers were accurate concerning his own force on landing. You also have an army twice as large as the Grand Army of the Republic, which at the start of the Clone wars stood at 2.5 million.

Assault forces are always the smallest number of any army. As an example, combining the US Marine Corps (Less than half a million) and the Army units that assaulted various islands and later Europe, you have less than the 2.5 million of the GAR. Assault troops are the most highly motivated, and unfortunately, the ones who take the worst casualties.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Revan

The Dress
Tatooine92

PostKOTOR: Carth… In search of a dress?

The piece is well written, flowing from point to point like a gentle river, and having Carth choose because of an old dream makes sense when you picture Revan in the garment. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Scars
Tatooine92

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Remember to lock the door…

The piece started out so fun and serious, then degenerated into farce. Way too much fun.

Pick of the Week

Light Side Female Exile

Jedi & the Scoundrel - Ch. 1
LyricAngel

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: An unexpected encounter…

The piece was fun and fluff, with a shower scene that had me giggling at the end. I’m not sure which reaction made me laugh harder, Atton’s or Liara’s.

Pick of the Week

The Origins of Shmooey
SaturdayInAugust

Ebon Hawk after Tatooine: Mission picked the wrong time to ask about a pet.

The scenes started out well, but the middle dragged a bit. The idea that right in the middle of clearing the gizka from the ship Mission would ask to keep one for a pet was a bit much after cataloguing everything they had done.

Dark Side Male Exile

Verdict on a Lost Jedi
Jaina Solo

PreTSL: The Exile’s sentence affects more than just him.

The story flowed well, the Dark Exile and Revan matched and Revan‘s reaction to the sentencing perfect. I shudder to think of any Jedi captured from this point on.

Pick of the Week

Light Side Male Revan

Wicked chapter 1/2: Acknowledgement
Revan Sama

Ten years PreKOTOR: The Exile both loathes and admires Revan.

The piece was well written, the scenes flowing from love to hate back to love without an unnecessary ripple.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-02-2009, 02:12 AM   #1018
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Mandalore Wars: Valour
Lord Spitfire

PreKOTOR: The battles rage on Dxun and Onderon

The writing is well done as always LS, though I had problems with some of the scenes you created. Both the Jedi and the civilian forcibly recruited into the Onderonian army seemed a bit shallow to me. My main complaint is in the technical notes below.

Technical note: You described the reinforcements as approximately two million ground forces, including battle droids with twenty thousand fighters, and twenty thousand pilots for those fighters, a hundred dropships, 5500 Jedi, and twelve tank divisions’

The problem is, at no time during their history has a number greater than 10,000 been used as the number of Jedi combined (Including younglings, Padawan, Knights and Masters) Yet you claim a force equal to those already landed so you have more Jedi than all of the order during most of it‘s history if the Colonel‘s numbers were accurate concerning his own force on landing. You also have an army twice as large as the Grand Army of the Republic, which at the start of the Clone wars stood at 2.5 million.

Assault forces are always the smallest number of any army. As an example, combining the US Marine Corps (Less than half a million) and the Army units that assaulted various islands and later Europe, you have less than the 2.5 million of the GAR. Assault troops are the most highly motivated, and unfortunately, the ones who take the worst casualties.
Thanks for clearing that up; I don't really know much about how the Republic military works in Star Wars, so I could be wrong . . . I'll try to fix it best I can.


Let there be rock!

"I hope they realize that music is music, and that music is not a scene, not a style. Music is a beautiful ****ing thing to listen to. It is not a thing to ****ing preach to others about, it's not a ****ing cause. It is what it is—and that's a beautiful artform." - Synyster Gates

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Old 08-02-2009, 02:43 AM   #1019
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A Soul Adrift
Endorenna

Reviewed originally 12 Sept of last year. That review follows:

8 years before the Battle of Naboo: On Ryloth a new birth may herald the future.

This is an excellent first work. You and your Beta deserve commendations. The story is well laid out, the first chapter intriguing enough. Only one thing mars it. Ryloth is reportedly tidally locked, with the people living in caves along the terminator line.

Welcome to the forum.

Pick of the Week.

I was asked to re-review this, so here goes…

You forgot a conversation break or two, that is an editing problem. The piece is flowing well and again, I applaud both you and the beta reader. I only read to the 3rd page of the four, but what you’ve written to that point was outstanding. I am NOT giving you another pick of the week, primarily because if I had forgotten to read it you would have earned it already; the scene where she described ripping his spine while leaving the spinal cord intact was choice.

The fight scene in the warehouse room didn’t sit well only because as anyone who has fought at odds will tell you, getting into the middle of them is the best way to do it. Anyone who you can hit is the enemy, and any attacks you deflect only hit your enemies. The only way it would have worked would be for her to at least pick up a weapon with some standoff range; a pistol or rifle.

Very good work as I said once before, and as your first attempt it worked even better.
Thanks for going over it again! I see what you're saying about the warehouse fight--I'll keep that in mind next time I'm writing a battle.


Chapter 12 of A Soul Adrift is out.

Short stories:
T'katlu: On the planet Felucia, a young apprentice of the Dark Side thinks back to the beginning of her training as she lies in wait for her prey...

All the Time: After four years in the Unknown Regions, the Exile returns to the known galaxy to visit an old enemy.

Broken: A master of the Dark Side finds himself about to lose the one thing he cares about--and he will do anything to stop her from endangering herself.
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Old 08-02-2009, 12:42 PM   #1020
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Thanks for clearing that up; I don't really know much about how the Republic military works in Star Wars, so I could be wrong . . . I'll try to fix it best I can.
I wrote my own Dxun memories using WWII as a basis and the battle of Guadalcanal as a pattern. Fighting a war on a galactic scale, just like that war, you can't apply all of your force at one place. That is why I only had 80 Jedi out of 1500 assigned there. Both battles were fought for only one reason; to prove to both sides that the attackers could take on the best the enemy had at that time and beat them.

Both were also extended campaigns, with neither side fighting with population centers to protect or attack, since it seems that house to house fighting (The hardest form of combat) is not normally done. The Mandalorians (As both I and Karen Traviss envision them) do not attack cities just because they are there. It would seem that open cities is more the norm, you do not defend, they do not attack, civilians are left alone, merely a change in management.

That is why the Republic later in the clone wars thought just over two million soldiers would be sufficient on a Galactic level.

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Thanks for going over it again! I see what you're saying about the warehouse fight--I'll keep that in mind next time I'm writing a battle.
Just keep doing it, kid.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 08-02-2009, 02:29 PM   #1021
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hey mach, do i have to specially request a re-review? Either way, would you mind reading through Renewal for me?


Chapter 12 of Renewal released!

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Old 08-02-2009, 11:33 PM   #1022
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hey mach, do i have to specially request a re-review? Either way, would you mind reading through Renewal for me?
If you want me to re-review I will. However I will do a full 'teacher' review of it if I feel it needs to be so. Now question, do you want that?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 08-03-2009, 12:36 AM   #1023
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yes sir!

Always looking for a good critique.

I have no problem with you scrutinizing my work. Have at it!


Chapter 12 of Renewal released!

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Old 08-03-2009, 01:14 AM   #1024
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If you want me to re-review I will. However I will do a full 'teacher' review of it if I feel it needs to be so. Now question, do you want that?
Maybe you shouldn't have publicly answered that question. Now everyone's going to ask you to re-review and you're going to get flooded with requests.
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:38 AM   #1025
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Maybe you shouldn't have publicly answered that question. Now everyone's going to ask you to re-review and you're going to get flooded with requests.
Not so far, DY. I think the 'full teacher' warning did what I expected.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
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Star Wars: The Beginning
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:38 AM   #1026
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NonSW: Tension builds as the world moves toward war

Remember word usage pored instead of poured.

Technical note: Knowing what I do of military tactics and history, you had me thoroughly confused by the time of the Soviet meeting. First you have the Russians and Chinese (Not the most cooperative bedfellows) Massing in the Central Pacific, with the US deploying fleets to of all places, Israel, in the Mid east, 8,000+ miles away.

Then you describe the southern Soviet states being wrested from the Germans, though those states bordering on China, Afghanistan, and Iraq had been under the Russian thumb since the Tsars when the Warsaw Pact nations were the ones controlled after that war.

To top it off, you describe the US as millennia old, when we’re not even close to the half yet.

Last, you describe the Lenin as a Ballistic missile submarine, and from information I have obtained, his (Russians call ships him) Bulava missiles have a range of 8000 kilometers. In other words, they would be able to fire them from the docks at Polyarny in Murmansk Oblast.

Yes, I do understand slant firing of such missiles for the shortest possible time before impact, yet the same effect could have been achieved by launching from the Indian Ocean near the Suez canal, or from near Crete rather than risk a boat worth several Billion dollars from 50 miles off the coast. Also, even the Peackeeper (Last US missile deployed) has a CEP (circular error of probability) of less than 200 yards meaning if they fired it at my home for example, it could still land as much as a quarter mile from me. Decent enough for a nuke, but rather poor targeting for any conventional warhead. Considering the location of the submarine, you could have done away with Lenin herself, and used the cruise missiles already developed by the Russians on the Tomahawk or Shipwreck design, which would not be as fast (about 500 miles per hour) but since they have no ballistic portion, would actually cover the same distance faster. Those could be fired by the Akulas themselves and have CEPs of perhaps ten meters, 30 feet.

Using a Strategic platform to launch them might cause a Strategic response. That is why we stopped using the B36 as a recon plane back in the fifties. A bomber designed to carry nukes is assumed to carry them. In fact when we attacked Afghanistan in 2001, we specified to the press before the first launch that the B52s and B1s being used were not carrying nuclear ordinance. If Lenin had been spotted entering the Med, she would have been shadowed and even possibly sunk before she got into position because according to agreements between NATO and the Soviets, transfers from Red Banner North fleet to the Black Sea of any strategic platform must be reported.

It’s interesting so far. Keep it up

Conqueror, Saviour
Lord Spitfire

KOTOR Aboard the Endar Spire: The initial scenes revised.

“You’ve been slipping in and out of consciousness (since instead of ) still then.” ‘I was a Commander and later a first Lieutenant during the Mandalorian Wars’ The ranks are reversed. This suggests he was demoted rather than promoted.

The changes you made were interesting; Trask being a Lieutenant Commander, three ranks higher than Ensign, having Trask die instead of the Jedi made the scene when they met Bandon more believable as well.

A little rough, but good work.

All the Time
Endorenna

Four years Post TSL: Revenge at last

I finished this and for several minutes could not think of what to say. It looked like a stereotypical Dark Exile story but it wasn’t until the denouement that I suddenly realized what had happened, and it worked perfectly. I would have left off the very end but even that didn’t detract.

Pick of the week

The Phantom Menace
jonathan7


Chancellor Palpatine was still at this time only Senator. Word usage problems, coarse(rough) instead of course (path), alley (narrow path) instead of Ally, Astra
instead of astro heard instead of hear, fell instead of feel. Theed is a city and proper names are always capitalized.

Remember to finish sentences. You started to say ‘speaking of which’ but merely wrote Sying instead.

The basic are good though you forget you’re writing script style and put in quotes in one section. Making Padme the daughter rather than queen is an interesting move, and the only advantage I see to making Anakin thirteen instead of nine is that they can moon over each other now.

The one reviewer who commented on keeping Jar-jar is correct in that the main reason we all thoroughly hated the little twerp was how stupid he was. In Attack of the Clones I knew without even thinking about it who would call for the Executive Powers vote. A more sober and intelligent Jar-jar would not be so bad.

kotorfanmedia

Operation: Intrude on the Mood
SaturdayInAugust

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: There’s more than one way to break the mood

The story was interesting in that it suggests a more petty and vindictive Bastila than normal. Intruding along the link to stop Aden (Revan) from getting too emotionally involved with Carth shows a more minatory side of her. Well done.

Getting Your Sith On
SaturdayInAugust

KOTOR on Korriban: When in doubt, drink

The piece started out kind of silly, Revan merely watching Canderous be himself while she drank too much, and having her face off with Yuthura in that state had me a bit worried. But casually tossing the Sith coin necessary for admittance at her when she is rejected made the entire read worthwhile.

Pick of the Week

-~*Fractured Smile*~- Chapter One: Air
Cannibalisticxx

TSL on Peragus: The Exile is decanted.

The scene describes very well waking up for a long unconscious state. The ending line is rather good, because I can see her doing this, but denying it afterward. Well written.

Strikeout
Tatooine92

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk after Nar Shaddaa: Atton admits what he was like before he met the Exile… Now he has to live with the outcome.

The piece is interesting because you can feel the repression of his own feeling. He wants to love her, but at the same time, he’s considering killing her. At this point I would wonder myself, and as another reviewer said, so much better than the bland conversation in the game. However you did it in such a manner that I can’t see her loving him, and am unsure she would even trust him.

Pick of the Week

At the Edge of Hearing: Part 1 of 2
MoonMythology

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The Exile and Atton face danger, and their newly forged bond.

You had a habit in this one of forgetting to space out words teachingher for example. This is an editing problem more than anything else.

The idea that as they grow closer the pair would forge their own force bond is logical and brought out at just the right moment.

Wishful Thinking
FlyingSnow

TSL After first trip to Telos: Atton’s dreams shock him awake.

The story started off mildly, but by the end, you’re shivering. Knowing that it was probably Kreia that changed it is only a minor aside, because Atton is facing what he was and that picture has it’s own power to terrorize him.

The scenes are well laid out and distinct, giving you a sense of reality in the portrayal and background.

Pick of the Week

The Swindler - Part 1
DarthGhastly

PostTSL: A pickpocket meets her new boss

The piece was fun because it seems just to be a slice of life until the end; the interplay with the mobster and his underling was well done. Ordering a beating after she left rather than to clean the room a nice vindictive touch.

New Beginnings
FlyingSnow

TSL After Malachor V: Atton has to find a way to deal with what comes after.

The piece was trite, fluffy, and enjoyable. The interplay between the characters is well rounded and smooth.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 08-07-2009, 01:26 PM   #1027
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Originally Posted by machievelli View Post
Not so far, DY. I think the 'full teacher' warning did what I expected.
Not for me.
I don't want to be pushy about it, but your full teacher review is much anticipated. Ever since you offered, Ive been going through my chapters and looking for spots where I've made little errors and corrected them.

You're motivating me to edit my own work! xD


Chapter 12 of Renewal released!

Chapter 2 of Heir to the Force released!
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Old 08-07-2009, 02:25 PM   #1028
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Thanks for the review, Mach. I forgot to link to a related thread, where the map issues would've been cleared up (it's supposed to be an alternate reality, and I went and forgot to put it ).
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Old 08-07-2009, 02:32 PM   #1029
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kado Sunrider View Post
Not for me.
I don't want to be pushy about it, but your full teacher review is much anticipated. Ever since you offered, Ive been going through my chapters and looking for spots where I've made little errors and corrected them.

You're motivating me to edit my own work! xD
And why do you think I work as a critic?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 08-07-2009, 02:40 PM   #1030
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Masochism?


Let's kill ourselves.
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Old 08-08-2009, 02:41 AM   #1031
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Masochism?
Maybe


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
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Old 08-14-2009, 10:53 AM   #1032
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New Journey
Mr BFA

TSL Return to Dxun: The Exile and his crew begin the clean up after the battle

The basics are good. It needs polishing. The love interest between the Exile and Brianna is good if a bit accelerated, and if she is now called by name, the title is redundant.

It’s interesting (Though I would have anticipated it) that he is not following either light or dark; from what I have seen of most writers you create one and either he (or she) is either saccharine sweet or unremittingly sadistic. You can be an evil SOB without tearing the wings off flies, and good without spouting platitudes. You character balances well.

Tigerlily
Burnseyy

NonSW: Prologue to an interesting vampire story

The only problem I have with this is that it is too short to really get into it. I like the idea of taking all the perceived downsides and showing the upside versions. The one fictional vampire I hated was Louis from Interview with a Vampire, too busy whining to be enjoyable.

If it had been longer, I would have given you a pick. But I’ll hold that like a prize while we wait for more.

return from unknown space
exoduz

15 years PostTSL: A new threat looms on the horizon

Remember conversation breaks. A story is like a river flowing, and leaving them out is like turning a bend and finding rapids you didn’t anticipate. The reader will lose the flow if you forget them.

The piece is short abrupt, and there is little or no information given.

Technical note: read my own posting; Reverse engineering the Star Forge .

Having the plans of the Star Forge would be nice but considering how it was created; using both the Force and matter combined, reverse engineering it would be a pain. Think of a primitive tribesman being handed an M1 battle tank. He would first have to develop about seventeen different scientific studies to reproduce it, and at least four to just operate it. That is part of the reason that breech loading firearms were used by the tribes in Africa before indepence, but they still never designed any of them of their own.

In other words, if the Star Forge still existed, I’d worry now. But since they have to recreate it, I wouldn’t worry in my lifetime.

Welcome to the Forum

A little feedback pls
vanir

NonSW Fiction: The fighting around Stalingrad from a different view.

While the symbol means it is pronounced doufel, the proper spelling is still duffel. I am not usually a grammar and punctuation Nazi but ‘Schröder casually turned to face a fairly solid looking Saxon, in a woolen jumper with mud splattered, sheepskin boots and standard issue Luftwaffe trousers and cap’ feels better as; ‘Schröder casually turned to face a fairly solid looking Saxon in a woolen jumper, with mud splattered sheepskin boots, and standard issue Luftwaffe trousers and cap’. ‘called him on the pig he is.’ would have been better by leaving out on; ‘called him the pig he is.’

The piece gives the reader a relatively firm grip on what is happening. The interplay regarding Goering is well done because as respected as he was by the Nazi hierarchy, he was usually only tolerated by the fliers themselves.

Technical note: The Russians used the LaGG series as well.

vamp story
vanir

NonSW fiction: A programmer and a vampire…

There is only enough to set the mood, not to finish. The isn’t really enough to get a grip on.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Exile

Walk Away
DyrraDegan

Ten years PostTSL: Maybe she can finally decide to move on.

The piece was well constructed, the person giving the advice a bit of a surprise, but the advice itself well thought out. Well worth the read.

Hope
Chronokinetic

PostTSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Sometimes hope is all you have

As another reviewer said, an intense minute… The struggle to win even as you know you may not is strong here, and the author catches it well. Leaving hanging; will the ship survive or not, it poignant.

Pick of the Week

Nightmares, Ghosts and Promises
MoonMythology

TSL covering several weeks: Remembering and living your life

It should be things, not thinks. You’re still forgetting spacing (theForce and knewthat
for example) These are editing problems, easily corrected.

The piece flows well, the relationship burgeoning as it progresses. Learning that she had been born on a rainy day was fun when they decided every rainy day would be her birthday. The ending cute.

Light Side Male Revan

Love and Redemption Part 1

Forgotten Honor

KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: Revan goes to kill Malak, but he is focused on his love

The piece is short and sweet, Revan’s constant focus on getting to Bastila a goal he hopes to attain. The robes changing color is an interesting twist.

Dark Times -part one
Lady Revan
KOTOR In unknown system: Chronicling Bastila’s time on the dark side

The biggest problem I had with the piece was that it was too short. It ends as Bastila leaves to confront Revan on Lehon. The problem is, I may not ever get a chance to read further.

Malak’s Gift
Merciful Revan

Six months postTSL: Upon his return, Revan springs a final trap of Malak’s

Most of the negatives about this story have been addressed by other reviewers. I have to agree because they are correct; the two female characters are scrunched up to fit a mold.

I did like the idea of setting such a trap, but the idea, as one said good idea, poorly written. But to echo another reviewer, the last line was cute, suggesting Revan’s problems have only started.

A Message to an Unknown Star
MoonMythology

PostKOTOR: A section of Bastila’s journal

This is like reading some girl’s diary. The memories pressed like exotic flowers between the pages, her own feelings clearly laid out, her wish that they will be together again. The only negative had been addressed, so I will not comment on it.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 08-15-2009, 10:41 PM   #1033
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Thanks Mach, I appreciate the opportunity to crawl out of my own head.
At the Donets back in July 42 there were several early model LaGG to be encountered as well as quite a few British Hurricanes. Yaks were constructed at the freshly relocated Ural factories and the build quality was very poor, whilst the LaGG was being produced locally (Moscow, Yaroslavl, etc.). Still Leningrad had priority, so even though Soviet fuel quality meant Hurricanes had to be detuned and wound up with hopeless performance until later in the year, many of these were pressed into service on the southern Front as well, whilst TsAgi officials tried to improve the production finish of Yaks. Outside Stalingrad itself, from about September much improved Yak-1 and Yak-7B were to found in relatively small numbers (with most of the features that were to be standard on the Yak-9).

The Lavochkin factories were also in the process of converting to a version of the LaGG fitted with the M-82 14-cyl radial and so early versions of this La-5 began appearing in large numbers right from about August, Luftwaffe enemy loss reports cite unknown enemy a/c shot down from this period and it is the main type in action with Jadgdivision Stalingrad from this time (the Yak-9 didn't appear until November).

The early La5 was a little problematic, it had the usual teething problems of a new engine type but it was very powerful, somewhere between a Hawker Typhoon and an Fw190A at low altitude, which for outright grunt and airframe performance really trumped the Me109F/G on all counts. But the German a/c were far more refined and their pilots were ridiculously experienced and highly skilled. The fact Wilcke had downed 30 enemy a/c himself in one month is no exaggeration, most of them the La5 and he was the fighter divisional commander who was supposed to be spending most of his time behind a desk! Plus the altitude performance of the Me-109 is truly exceptional in the midwar period, where all the fighters in Soviet service start running out of any real teeth by 4000 metres, the Me-109G-2 has its top speed at around 7000 metres and handles as well in the vertical as it does horizontally.
If the fliegerexperte knew to get some air under his wings and draw the enemy into a sustained climb, he had some pretty good advantages to work with, but the situation kinda sucked considering close army support was the flavour of the day, which meant escorting bombers at low altitude and being bounced by faster, more manoeuvrable and more powerful interceptors with better initial climb rates and heavy armament.

Fresh late model LaGG-3 (serie 34-62) were being sent too, these were still being produced right alongside La5 lines in the factories and some pilots actually preferred them. Auto leading edge slats had been added, fuel quality was improved and the engines cleared for higher boost, and several general airframe and production refinements made, some say the late series LaGG was every bit as good as an early La5 in combat.
But where they were being encountered were among attack-bomber squadrons rather than fighter squadrons, which had their own fighter escorts as part of the division. The LaGG-3 were frequently fitted with the same potent VYa-23 attack gun firing through the propeller hub as the Il-2 Sturmovik, and used among their squadrons as indigenous close escorts.
Fighter divisions, in this case mostly La5 were assigned additional escort duties separately, their job was to actually engage enemy interceptors.
What the LaGG would do is wait at the edge of the combat zone with bombs slung, whilst the La5 fought enemy fighters and the Il2 or Lend-Lease Boston bombers went in to attack ground targets. If enemy fighters broke though to the attack-bombers the LaGG would jettison their loads and jump in as fighter reinforcements. If this didn't happen they would follow the Il2/bomber attack as fighter-bombers and leave enemy ground forces in total devastation.
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Old 08-18-2009, 01:18 AM   #1034
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Thanks for that Mach
I have to go back and change that name for Brianna though because I just realized that ... It is meant to be set before Handmaiden tells the Exile her real name..
..Yep, I buggered up on that front, haha.

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Old 08-18-2009, 02:26 PM   #1035
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Excellent research, Van. Remember as well that the highest scoring Russian aces of that war flew the LaGGs. That tendency is why the highest scoring Vietnamese aces of the Vietnam conflict flew the slower MiG 17, including Colonel Doom.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

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Old 08-19-2009, 01:32 AM   #1036
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Oh I've read some absolutely amazing pilot accounts of Soviet piloting in the Leningrad/Lake Ladoga region, in the LaGG-3. Got some nice colour plates of some that had been sent in such a rush from the factory they weren't even painted, had the red stars just stencilled on over the bare wood.
Some of these accounts, for which I think one was the first pilot to receive the Order of Hero of the Soviet Union (posthumously) and also serveral Order of Lenins. One feller emptied his guns taking on a whole escort squadron trying to get at some Heinkels and finally rammed a bomber, I think he took down three or four enemy a/c. Thing was he was a wingman who started off the battle trying to protect his flight commander, and wound up with the admiration of the entire division. Tons of stories like that particularly on that Front.

The LaGG-3 was actually a very good fighter, made of solid wood it was very tough and not quite as prone to problems with the cold as all metal aircraft, which I think had problems with separation of the spars when temperature dropped below -30 (the winter of '41-42 saw temperatures averaged only in Antarctica and was the coldest Russian winter in about half a century). But even regular Russian winters, and the fact the LaGG was made in Moscow meant they were altogether well designed for arctic conditions and rough field operation. Luftwaffe serviceability was pitiful by comparison. Even the Yak had metal sparring (with wood and canvas skin sections), but the Lavochkins were all wood, easy to make and easy to service and repair (hammer, nails, resin and a rough file, a farmer could do it in his backyard).

Early series had way too much armament, being designed for Moscow defence and tactical bomber interception, as many as five guns mounted in the nose section and firing through the propeller hub. It weighed them down, made them nose heavy and combined with a low boost rating for the Klimov engine only had about the output of a Hurricane MkI for pretty ordinary, early Battle of Britain style performance.
But the Hurricanes received from Britain were worse off, the Merlin engine really hated Soviet fuel quality and was severely detuned, by that I mean only half its positive boost was available without blowing the motor (this is also the reason LL Spits were never as well received in the USSR as the west). And they hated the cold, with serviceability rates even worse than the Luftwaffe. Soviets actually wound up stripping the radios and armoured seats out of many and fitting these to LaGG or Il2 aircraft.

Very quickly though, by the onset of winter the LaGG later series was in production (serie 3 onwards) which cut the armament down to three guns (still a very heavy package at the time of two 12.7mm and a 20mm), and this helped performance a little to roughly keep up with something like a P-40M with very similar all round performance a good six months ahead of the Curtiss. The Klimov had a small supercharger like the Allison and Soviet airframes had great alpha manoeuvrability for good low altitude performance in general. It's a real mistake to let a Soviet pilot get a deflection shot under 4000 metres, damn things'll virtually do a 360 on a pinwheel and recover.

For high altitude work several MiGs were also sent to Moscow, their Mikulin engines had very large superchargers that started to work best above 6000 metres, but it was a large and heavy motor so they had relatively poor armament (two light MGs and on 12.7mm) so many were fitted with underwing MG pods that further reduced low alt performance. The MiGs were generally thought unstable under about 4000m and didn't have much power on tap until you got plenty of air under the wings. At about 7000m however their ca.1600hp would run rings around any Messerschmitt, Luftwaffe pilots were warned not to engage this model at high altitude if avoidable.

Soviet aero guns were also very high quality, all their guns in general are quite advanced except handguns which are ridiculously ineffective calibres for military use (though the 7.62mm pistol ammunition is used to very good effect in the PPSh at 900rpm-cyclic).
The Beresin 12.7mm MG is a very well made gun, at least as good as the Browning but lighter and more robust. It was even upbarrelled to 20mm with no change in weight, to make the most advanced aero gun in that calibre used during the entire war. In 1945 they were tossing 3 of them into the nose of the La7 for the same weight as two Hispanos.
The ShVAK is also an excellent gun for its early war manufacture, every bit as good as a late war licensed production Hispano somewhere like Britain. Better than an early war Hispano and as good as an MG-151/20.
The light ShKAS 7.62mm MG is as good as a Browning thirty.

Most Soviet fighters had either two ShKAS and one ShVAK or the ShKAS replaced by one or two Beresin, with the MiG as the exception with two ShKAS and one or three Beresin.
The other exception is that first series production LaGG-3 which had a ShVAK, two ShKAS and two Beresin all grouped on the centreline. Nasty volley.
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Old 08-21-2009, 10:49 AM   #1037
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The Emperor's Children
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During the Grand Alliance: a new threat emerges

‘The sound of thrusters broke the silence as a YV-929 armed freighter flew out of hyper space and flew towards the Corvette, it slowed as it reached the Corvette‘ this sentence needs work.

First, When you’re in space ‘The sound of thrusters’ doesn’t exist. The remainder of the sentence should be ’a YV-929 armed freighter flew out of hyper space and slowed as it approached the Corvette’.

Improper word usage; it should have been armor (Protection) instead of amour (Love) we’re instead of were, whole instead of hole, their instead of there, roll instead of role, spun instead of span,

Cumbersome sentences; ‘have your weapons at the ready and expect resistance.’. is a given. Having them use blasters to take down the entry hatch shows a lack of knowledge on their part. They make breaching charges for blowing doors.

I stopped reading after the first segment because what I found so far needs improvement. The fight scenes were a bit abrupt, but that is no problem. Also you’re jumping around, taking a smooth trip down the rapids into a waterfall or two instead. What you need to do is visualize, lay out the scenes, and above all my favorite mantra; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat and polish until smooth.

Vampire: Underworld
Rtas Vadum

NonSW fiction: Vampires in New York

Gorge instead of gouge

Cumbersome sentence structure especially when in first person. ‘A woman who I, for the first time, had the sort of thoughts that only a man would have when he lays eyes upon the woman of whom he wouldn't mind spending the rest of his life with.’ would have been better as ‘For the first time I found my eyes upon a woman I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with’.

The work runs too quickly from meeting to the apartment then to the slab. The wording was ambiguous in the first segment of part two because we are not sure that he was already a vampire, or had been turned by Lucia. If she had turned him, the one who should be judged would have been her, not him. They speak of rules, yet again, blame him, not her.

Conscience Pt.1
Darth_Yuthura

Post KOTOR: A murder investigation leads to disturbing possibilities

Some improper word usage; lead instead of led, loosing instead of losing, behooved instead of what I would have assumed would be surprised,

This is not up to your usual standards, DY. It rambled a great deal, and the only part with the usual punch I expect was the ending.

Loss
Bee Hoon

No specific era given: Drinking to ease your pain may draw it out more

The piece was well done Bee. Keeping the man’s identity secret was perfect because if it were based on the games it could be a male Revan or a post TSL Atton. All we know about him is he must be a Jedi to drink that heavily, and that he misses the woman. A pity you missed the deadline; in my opinion you would have been in the running for winner.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

The Path Part One: The Endar Spire
Gyrogia

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire:

From context, I think you meant endured rather than endeavored.

Smooth your pacing out. It was fast and action packed, but I had the feeling that I was merely watching over your shoulder as you played the scenes aboard the ship. The one thing I did like was having the first Republic soldier getting killed because the door he had just locked opened, and Turin’s reaction to it.


When He Remembered
Slave 1

One year PostKOTOR: People arrive for Carth’s wedding, but not one they expected…

I think you meant requisition instead of acquisition

Until you mentioned the time frame I was confused because you referred to Jaq Rand, who we did not meet until the second game and four years later. The piece flowed well but the addition of a new character (Sareth) caused more confusion. No back story beyond her one time rank in the Senate and Jedi order; not even a reason for her and Carth to have met and fall in love. I agreed with the one reviewer that it would be odd for the Council to show up when a few Jedi would have been logical.

I also agree that Revan’s sending a message to Carth but ignoring Bastila’s feelings at the same time was callous.

'Sweet' Sixteen, Chapter 1: Havoc on the Spire
DarthBubbles

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: Revan as a kid?

The work is a bit generic except for the introduction of the other survivors we saw. Having a private assigned to the same quarters as an ensign was rather odd. Even on a small warship, there are too many enlisted men to have even a junior officer watch just one of them, primarily because both need training to fulfill their duties, and having a private run around the ship with an officer while the officer learns his would leave the private no time to learn his own.

Standard procedure on a modern American warship is the junior man (Called a seaman second class) would have been assigned to a berthing area of between 20 and fifty men, and would report to a noncommissioned officer in a specific department. As an example, I was in the deck department, and reported to a 3rd class petty officer.

Waiting In The Dark...
A R Minion

PostTSL: In little snippets the story is laid out…

An interesting way to write. The snippets lay out what is happening in only minute brush strokes, but there is enough to feel the sense of foreboding build until the unknown voices enter the equation. You can feel the attention of these true Sith focusing on the pair that now search their lands, and feel a bit worried for them.

Knights of the Old Republic - Prelude
TheJadedHeart

Approximately a year after KOTOR: The members of the Ebon Hawk’s crew try to get on with their lives.

It’s dying, not dieing. I think you meant delay (slow down) rather than prolong
(extend) searching instead of conflicting, watered or fertilized instead of cured, their (Personal) instead of there (Location) These are all things easily corrected by editing.

The basics are good. The feeling of loss with him all alone on the quest well developed.

The Joining of Cirn
Gyrogia

KOTOR on Tatooine: A new member joins the crew

The story is not bad, though there were a few times I was confused. Especially since there is a section before this I must have passed by, so I do not know who Cirn is supposed to be. Without that the character would fit in albeit oddly.

A New Tradition
Phantom

A month after the Star Forge: When the old code no longer fits, you must make it new.

I thoroughly enjoyed this. The creation of a new version of the Jedi code with mingling of both Jedi and Sith but concentrated on love was well done, and both of the bets were even more amusing.

Pick of the Week

Flowers
Kosiah

During TSL: What are they doing with their lives now?

The change of who and what the four main characters are was interesting. Having Carth and Bastila married was fun but Canderous as a florist; even if the plants have a high acidic content in their sap? But Revan as the equivalent of a long haul trucker and now paunchy was too much.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
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Old 08-24-2009, 07:49 AM   #1038
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Thanks mach! I blame my procrastinating self



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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Old 08-28-2009, 10:29 AM   #1039
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Curse of the Star Forge
Agincourt

Post KOTOR: The resurrected Dark Lord begins his conquest

Some cumbersome sentences. ‘Although it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing in front of,’ would have been better as ‘Although it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing,’. That being said, all in all it was an excellent first attempt.

The one thing I have consistently hated about Star Wars has been that the bad guys are always completely bad. So irredeemably evil that even Jedi can’t see ways to redeem them. Anakin goes from fearing for Padme’s life to slaughtering children. From loving her to trying to murder her. In KOTOR you don’t even have the chance to redeem Malak, it’s only kill or be killed.

I considered this; assume Padme dies giving birth. Obi Wan hides the children, but then, contacts Vader meets him alone, then tells him the truth, but only that Padme died at his hands, and there are children. Instead of spending eighteen to twenty odd years crushing resistance, could he, the same man who gave his life to save his now adult son, have continued on that course? Could he have been redeemed then?

Welcome to the forum. What I say next has rarely been said to someone on their first attempt.

Pick of the Week.

Mission Vao's Birthday Bash
Chevron 7 locke

KOTOR on Manaan: A birthday party is thrown for the youngest crew member.

Tys was right, I did laugh at this one. Picturing Bastila drunk and wanting a bed time story, the comments from everyone on the stone, all were choice and fit the characters.

For just a moment, I was considering that the message stone might have been a form of holocron, so I also pictured this little voice in the back ground plaintively saying; ‘Ow, ow, ow, will you please stop cutting at me?’.

Pick of the Week

Mandalore Wars: The Four Jedi Generals
Ashnan Corri

PreKOTOR: The people who would later lead the Republic forces gather.

It’s wary (alert) instead of weary (Tired). The reaction of the Master when he heard that Revan had gone to see the holocron felt a bit off, as if he were indifferent.

The characterization is good if a bit stilted. Your name sake isn’t even noticed until he and Alek square off. Of them all, only he seems to be the voice of reason.

How to Suckceed at Chess Without Really Trying
Tysyacha

NonSW: A lighter side view of chess.

I always like Terri Pratchett’s take on chess best. In one of this book, a character commented mentally that if all the pawns worked together, the board would be a Republic in eight moves.

2112
Alkonium

NonSW: The world suddenly faces music again

As far as scripting goes it flowed well, but there wasn’t enough of the drab world you’re trying to change to get a feel for it.

Overclocked
Tysyacha

PreKOTOR: Dvyx faces Master Vrook

It was interesting looking into the head of a student fighting a master and wishing she could win. She came across as a bit whiny, worrying more about the fairness of the bout than anything else at that time. Since we never heard the call to cease, I was left wondering if Vrook had called it so he wouldn’t lose, rather than because he was done.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Exile

Catching up the past
Shade

Remember conversation breaks. You used scow (old decrepit boat) when I think you meant cow. Changed tense by using surprise instead of surprised. It’s get brainwashed not got brainwashed, Preventing (Stop) instead of Prevending (Before sales)

That being said, when I saw the comment about translating in your head, I understand some of the mistakes above. As I told another young writer a couple of years ago, I don’t speak a second language well enough to try to write in them. On the whole the work is pretty good. It’s been a long time since I have seen a fiction work in third person, so it was a refreshing change.

A Jedi, or Something Like It
Obaona
TSL en route from Nar Shadaa to Onderon: Atton grows in his use of the Force with a gentle hand.

I think you meant I promise you that much instead of I swear you that much. When you said individual I think you meant sentient or alive. Attuned instead of attune.

The piece is a quiet introspective work, allowing you to see the inner workings of his mind as he grows toward the confrontations ahead. Well done.

Pick of the Week

You are my opposite
Revan Sama

TSL: The Exile considers why she followed Revan.

The piece was missed because I thought it was poetry rather than a story. However I noticed that I was mistaken, sorry RS. The play of opposition was well done, showing all od the things that are different, but below that all of the things that drew the woman after him like a moth to a flame.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side Male Revan

The Force Shall Set Me Free
Darth Naughtious

PreKOTOR: As Revan confronts Bastila, he finds himself faltering as the dark lord

The piece was excellent, feeding us Revan’s thoughts in bite sized chunks. The path he had taken to this point is lovingly laid out, and having him awaken on the Endar Spire is a perfect place to end it.

Pick of the Week

Dark Empire -Jenesis- Part 1, Glimmer of Hope
KnightOfTheWord

PostTSL: With the threat looming, the Jedi begin a frantic search for more Jedi.

It’s imminent (anticipated), rather than immanent (remaining within), read out rather than read-up. Don’t worry about it, these are editing problems. James Patterson commented in one of his more recent books that the character saw three different print newsmen make the same mistake as number one above.

The arguments were refreshing; The idea that the new council would decide to allow marriages was a foregone conclusion, primarily because few of them had been Jedi under the old order. Yet you can see the resistance from the old guard.

The Magnificent Mr. Rakata!
Elwin Ransom

KOTOR Post Korriban: Inside the Rakata box

I was almost ready to click on by because I tend to detest stories tired too directly to the game itself, but I read on.

And I’m glad I did. Having the alter ego of Revan be a version of Peter Griffin from Family guy was choice, and Bastila in love with the dope even though he is a moron was cute. Escaping the box by reloading the most recent save hilarious. My only question is this:

Is he going to be dumb enough to try it again?

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-28-2009, 01:17 PM   #1040
Tysyacha
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Tysyacha comes across as "a bit whiny" because she's young, inexperienced, and scared to death of Vrook. Consider a child: When s/he's totally being beaten at any kind of game and doesn't know how to win, s/he might start wondering, and whining, about if his/her opponent is playing fair.
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