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Old 06-11-2011, 10:41 AM   #1201
machievelli
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For those interested in your critic's tattered little life; This last Tuesday my computer went belly up with a vengeance. The automatic system checker says a third of my hard drive no longer exists, and almost every document I had is now in that wasteland. I do not know what it will cost to get it back, and even if I did, my finances will not stretch to cover it. Enough survives that I am still in the game however.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

A Name Never Known
Kyvios

No specific era given: An unknown protagonist records his own final moments

The piece doesn't give you a lot to work with. The pacing is perfect for a diary scene, and as such doesn't need characterization and descriptions. But it could have done with some expansion. Reviewed lat... Sorry about that, kid.

Antihero
Ryan PM

TSL on Dantooine: The team gets ready to go to the Jedi Enclave.

The piece flowed, but not as well as it could have. It felt a bit ragged. What I would suggest is what the others that post here would call my favorite mantra:

Sight Edit, reread, rewrite, repeat until smooth.

Anchorhead Drive
Blix

No specific setting beyond Tatooine: A man with no memory heads for Anchorhead.

The piece was enough to set up the story, but little else. The reasoning behind the injury was well done, and the setting well portrayed.

Red Riding Hood KOTOR
Revan Sama

KOTOR, no specific scene mentioned: Another of Revan Sama's quirky fairy tales.

Remember to sight edit your work. You used mach instead of match for example. Also a league is only a mile and a half. I do fifteen miles a day five days a week, and am as old as most of the grandparents of old fairy tales.

Other than that the story is a riot with characters stepping 'out' of character like Bastila, Mission and the author arguing about the wardrobe, and then making double entendres from everything HK47 says.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Knights of the Old Republic: Jedi Masters
Bradw316

Post TSL: Help will come from an unsuspected source

You shifted from past to present tense a couple of times. You also have one problem I share; you were letting the story flow faster than your hands could type it, not finishing sentences. Remember to sight edit your work, you used an incorrect word here and there. While you say the Exile got the answer to the Navigation riddle, I didn't see it.

The piece has a good feel to it, and most of the problem with flow happened because of the problems mentioned above.

Extensive Medical Training
CortessaBlatt

TSL on Onderon: Mical must diagnose and treat a very delicate condition...

The piece in up to CB's usual standards, and was a fun read. I for one don't like Mical (Sorry, CB) primarily because he would have made me want to hit him when I was younger. The circumlocutions you used to get the problem across were so much fun I spent half an hour considering them fully.

Well done

Pick of the Week

The Return
Lady Revan

Five years post TSL: Revan finally returns to Telos

The piece flowed well, though it could do with polishing. It was far too short to be anything but an introduction or epilogue, but what was there was well wrought.

Pick of the Week

Lies
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2773850/...I_Miras_vision
Knights of the Old Republic II: Mira's vision
Clint Dunshee

Post TSL: Mira has a disturbing vision of the future

I am sure I have read this before, but can't find the listing in my own copy of my reviews. It was fun to read, though the idea the Force would throw up a vision 4,000 years too early was confusing. It reminds me of a short story someone wrote in creative writing when I was still in high school; a witch warning Columbus that his ship will strike an iceberg and sink, so he changes the name from Titanic to Santa Maria...

kotorfanmedia

Spontaneous Propogation
Greengrass1914

Pre-Mandalorian Wars on Telos: The first meeting between Carth and Morgana

The piece is a microcosm of GG's work, and a precious one at that. The idea that the Force might have pushed them together was in there, from finding the one man who got past the test; and every woman I have ever met has them, to the baby linking to her to assure his own survival.

Well wrought, and poignant, worth a read.

Pick of the Week

Trust Me
RevanOrdo

KOTOR on Taris: A Darkside Revan Betrays the Beks

The author asks in the teaser if you have ever played the Dark side from the start. I never have, though I remember the option to betray the Beks rather than assist them. Oddly enough, every time I have played, I have pretended I was the character, and did what I felt would be right. Doing it in that manner, I have always succeeded in the quests without effort.

But seeing it from the dark side was fun in a horrible way.

Pick of the Week

Juhani
Joysweeper

Pre-Mandalorian Wars on Taris: Juhani's early life and rescue by the Jedi

Joysweeper has graced us again and again, and this piece is no exception to the work usually done. It is sad and at times terrifying to witness a child going through these troubles. The only negative I had with it was; why didn't she recognize Revan during the game?

Pick of the Week

To Say Goodbye
The Disciple

Pre KOTOR on Dantooine: A pair of unlikely lovers say goodbye

The piece sneaks up on you. As one reviewer commented, your mind flashes through which pair of lovers they are, and the end drops a load of unsuspected emotions on you. Worth reading just for the ending.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-19-2011, 12:29 AM   #1202
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kotorfanmedia


Ashes of Eres III
Kahran

Mandalorian Wars: How Malak lost his jaw.

The piece flows well, the reasoning excellent and Malak's blind fury leading to his injury. I especially liked how Mandalore merely took the jaw, showing his contempt for the warrior he faced.

Mandalorians Don't Cry
Arkatrine the Unpure

Originally reviewed 13 June 2007, that review is below:

On Tatooine after the confrontation with Jagi: A brief bit of comfort.

The style is good. In fact the only negative I have to say is it’s too short!

Today's Notes: The piece is short and poignant with Canderous breaking down in the aftermath of Jagi's suicide. I for one only went through the side quest once, and didn't like the idea that you had only two options, kill Jagi or allow his suicide. This is a gentle look at the aftermath.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Who Knew
Morokea

Spanning Revan’s life: Revan has memories of the man she once knew, and had to kill.

It’s knelt not kneeled. The piece is poignant in that you can see the memories of the woman from when they first met, until she sat beside his tombstone. You can feel all the emotions evoked by her simple prose, interwoven with the song.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Not a Kid Any More
Xenzen

KOTOR on Korriban: Mission undertakes a mission without bothering to get permission, and learns about others watching over her.

The piece is good, Mission moving from being a child to an adult, all because the mission she has undertaken can't be done by anyone else. Her attitude came across clear and her looking back and thinking that she did not have (mark the equipment) back in the under city. Her internal dialogue lambasting Carth and Zaalbar was just too cute.

Pick of the Week

A Night in the Archives
Plutospawn

No specific time given: Mission and Mical blow up the archives.. Which one is not mentioned.

The piece was fun because you have two people as different as possible. Mission laying her powder train, Mical whining internally at the waste all to destroy one book. A lot of fun from both perspectives.

Pick of the Week

I Always Meant to Tell You
JediMaster09

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: An unsuspected denouement

The piece covers the fight on the bridge of Leviathan, but the biggest surprise is the last line. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Knights of the Old Republic II The Sith Lords
Bradw316

TSL on Peragus: A Generic retelling of the start of the game.

The piece is a well done albeit generic retelling of the incident on Peragus station.

On the Battlefront
ShotgunChief

Clone Wars at Geonosis: The first battle for a trio of clones

The battle scenes are just as hectic as they are in real life. The nonsequitors were a bit much. You ignored the point that while obedient to orders, the clones have to be capable of independent thought, otherwise they would not be efficient soldiers.

Rand Atton Rand
Robert 'Fox' Kitsune

TSL on Dxun: Atton is catapulted to leadership

The piece is confusing because there is not provenance for why the Exile is going dark. Atton, the one you would expect to go dark with her is opposing her actions, and gets left behind.

Burning Skies
Eaving1989

KOTOR on Tatooine: A peaceful interlude

The piece is fun because due to the heat, they have nothing to do, so everyone settles into their own proclivities; Mission Juhani and Revan playing with the Gizka, Bastila meditating, etc. Then the innuendos that Revan had kissed Canderous, and the next kiss while overlooking the dune sea. The last three paragraphs made the story.

Pick of the Week

Tika Dane: Cleanup
Myst Dragon

Post KOTOR: The crew of the Ebon Hawk tries to find a middle ground to enjoy life

The piece has a fine 'relax after hell' feel to it; the crew trying to relax and go on with their lives, their leader trying to connect not to who she had been, but who she is now. The brief attempts of Carth and Revan getting together are amusing because every attempt fails miserably.

Perchance to Dream
Ilea Drake

TSL on Dxun: The Exile has a flash of Jedi future sense, and witnesses Atton's Death

It wasn't until half way through the story that you find out that the poignant death scene was a Force vision. Her emotions run rampant and as you would expect she is now worried about him.

Cigarra Smoke and Pazaak Cheats
CortessaBlatt

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A quiet night aboard the ship... Not!

The piece runs rampant with Pazaak, mayhem and fun tickling each other. Very amusing


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:31 AM   #1203
machievelli
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The Force Acts in Strange Ways
DonutMaster

TSL prior to Peragus: T3 has things he has to do, and dealing with a snippy Medical Panel is just the first.

The piece, specifically the interaction between the droid and the diagnostic / treatment unit is fun. Having the equivalent of a hissy fir between the two is so much fun.

Sacrificial Lamb
ElenaTheHun

Pre KOTOR: The training of Bastila and beginning of KOTOR through Vrook's eyes

I agree that Vrook is the most maligned of the masters you see in the first game. His arrogance and abrasive attitude makes him the good guy you love to hate. Yet here we see a softer side, one that doesn't want to waste Bastila on such a forlorn hope, that regrets her 'death' at Taris. Like my own Vrook who had been Revan's master previously, he honestly cares about his students.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic
Chris Ganale

KOTOR above Taris: Another retelling of the beginning of KOTOR

CG did a good job of retelling the intro to the first game; better if you ask, than the original. The battle scenes are clearly cut, the action more distinct. The main character comes across as a hard-bitten soldier who as the old saying goes, 'been there, got that, bought the T-shirt and burned it' as a back story. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

The Prodigal Child
Furitaurus

Revan's Acceptance: A preview, as it were

The piece covers the preview of the Mandalorian wars, and from there...

The piece covers part of the game uncovered; What might have driven Revan to become Darth Revan. The piece is perfect in that we see the machinations of the underlying story being laid.

Angel
Ilea Drake

TSL ending: As he dies, Atton reflects on the two women in his life

I agree it's a little choppy, but the work is well done, and only needs polishing. Remember that on your next one (Force Edit)

Wishes Granted
The Lone Gunchick

KOTOR on the computer: A trio of seventeen year olds playing KOTOR make wishes that are granted.

A cutsey bit of fluff, the thing is I wanted the story to continue.

kotorfanmedia

Drugs, Guns, Gangs and Money
JackBeNimble1105

KOTOR on Taris: Before he begins his adventure with Revan, Canderous reminisces.

The piece is a perfect little vignette in a gang member's life. The scenes are well done, the two Exchange people well portrayed.

Pick of the Week

Apathy is Death
Joysweeper

Pre Mandalorian Wars: The discussion before Revan starts her own recruiting.

The presentation was excellent and only someone unwilling to think would disagree. Since I had considered the Council blind to reality I would expected no less.

An Aura of Destiny
Elena

During the NJO: Even when you're dead, sometimes you get uninvited guests

The piece was amusing, Jolee, just as acerbic as he was in the game, but this time using that tactic on poor Anakin Solo (If you are not familiar with the New Jedi Order, Anakin was the third child of Leia and Han Solo. He died destroying a new bio-engineered weapon the Yuuzun Vong created) who had been trained by the team of partial Jedi created in the aftermath of the Empire.

Jolee's comment that even Luke Skywalker was a half trained Jedi reject was nascent and to the point, after all by the time Luke was declared a Jedi by Yoda, there were no Jedi left to teach him. When Anakin wants to contact his family to warn them of course Jolee is unwilling to help him. After all, what fun would it be if Jolee had just said 'try this'?

Pick of the Week

Sith Disguises 101
Charamel

During Mandalorian Wars: They need a quick disguise, and you won't believe what they come up with...

I was able to hold the laughter until the end, but it came out when the story was done. The acrimony between Revan and Malak in their cell was choice. Both of them losing more temper as time went on also fit. Revan's complaint about the disguise was funny:

"I don't believe this," Revan said, for the eighteenth time. "I simply don't believe this."

"You're just jealous because I make a better woman than you."

"You're two metres tall! You're solid muscle, you've got the most masculine chest I've ever seen in my life --"

"I think the yellow suits me," Malak said, as he tugged at his skirts.

"It doesn't go with your wig. Which is crooked, by the way. How are you planning to hide your jaw?"

"Ah, well, they won't notice my stubble, because -- oh. I see what you mean."

"Stubble." Revan groaned and slid into a corner. "This is one of those... pheerie tales, isn't it."

"It always worked for the heroes in those."

"They didn't have prosthetic jaws! I can still see your tattoo, too. Can't you get a better wig?"

"I was lucky to find one at all. Do you think they'll notice if I've still got my boots on?"

"I take it back," Revan whimpered. "All of it. Never, ever suggest a plan that isn't 'hit everything in sight' again. Ever."

A riot start to finish.

Pick of the Week

Two Jedi
Light Speed Tangents

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Jolee has a chance to pay back when Arren Kae delivers Briana.

The story is wonderful. The interplay between Kae and her supporters, giving both Sunry and his wife, and Jolee in the best supporting role I have seen yet.

Pick of the Week

Salve
Plutospawn

TSL on Citadel station: Two friends share a moment of joining, but it doesn't really help...

The piece is excellent as all of PS's work had been. The idea of 'friend sex' because both miss the one that is important is done then discarded as not good enough. I just wish it had gone further, to see the Exile confronting Bastila.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:39 PM   #1204
machievelli
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Sorry about the late posting; first my computer refused to bring up this page, then the time on my Wi Fi password ran out.

kotorfanmedia

A Room With a View of Coruscant
Midnight Hawk

Post TSL AU: Mical takes a woman you wouldn't anticipate to meet his parents, also not what you would expect...

The piece is off the wall, and funny. Having Mical navigate (Correctly after turning the map right side up), Bastila obsessing on being dressed in a Gizka costume as a sport's mascot, Kreia pouring tea with the Force and Vrook fighting to the death because he thinks Bastila was sent to assassinate him is just the cake. The fun just begins there.

Pragmatism
Elena

Post KOTOR: An unlikely pair team up

The piece was fun and enjoyable. Watching of all people Dustil instructing Bastila in how to hide and survive, Bastila getting used to carrying a blaster and shivs instead of a lightsaber, their talents complimenting each other. Definitely a fun read.

Only in Pazaak
Revan's Pet Duck

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Some alone time for Mission and T3

The plaint of Mission, that she doesn't get any respect because of her age is one everyone has when they're young, and her leaning on the one thing she does very well, playing Pazaak is the way she shows it.

Next Year
Paranoid Gerbil

Post KOTOR: The yearly reunion gets smaller and smaller

The idea that the crew would wander into a bar on Coruscant to find some peace was good. The idea that it eventually became a yearly ritual even better. But now it is down to only two, and two of the most unlikely at that.

I May Be Old...
Delasaer Chval

KOTOR on Manaan: The two oldest members of the crew share some time and a meal.

The fun of this was you think of them both as old men, and they seem to have a lot in common.

Pick of the Week

The Ability to Change
Noneko

KOTOR on Manaan: Perhaps people can change

We have Mission at her best here; Trying to wheedle why Canderous is suddenly so thoughtful after the Jagi side quest, and trying to convince Juhani to give the Mandalorian another chance. She comes across like a young woman trying to knit up the family without actually letting everyone else know what she is doing.

Fanfiction.net

To Be Hanged
Amme Moto

KOTOR enroute to Manaan: After the revelations aboard Leviathan, Carth has to decide if he trusts Revan

The piece is angst filled, and the dream sequence frightening. His bland statement at the end belies the vision.

Redemption
PerchingKite13

Pre KOTOR: Revan has to assist in her redemption

The piece is a confusing leap of memory from one to another, being connected to every person in the room as Revan's dark side tries to fight back. Yet it is cohesive and thought provoking.

Pick of the Week

Heaven
Riosuka

Post TSL: In the unknown region, the Exile finally finds the end to her quest

The only problem with the piece except some grammar mistakes, is that it reached the end point too quickly. It went from 'in search of' and memory to arriving without a pause.

Undivided Attention
ElenaTheHun

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Bao Dur has to jolly the Exile out of her mood, but that comes with it's own price

The piece is short but the characters portrayed are true to form. The aside that Iridonians have their genitals 'somewhere else' was fun, especially her attempts to find them after her groin attack did no damage. The ending was just too choice.

Pick of the Week

Mysteries of the Sith
SilverPhantom

KOTOR enroute to Kashyyk after Leviathan: The crew deals with the revelation and Revan's response to it.

The piece is dry but has it's moments. As always Carth is the sticking point in the acceptance of Revan, but not for long. The author tossed in a change from the game; having Revan contact the Jedi council and having the ship ordered to Onderon instead.

Tales of KOTOR How the Mighty have Fallen
Dante Revan

Pre KOTOR: The soon to be Exile faces her brother, the dark lord Revan

The angst of the piece is thick on the ground, the descriptions of the carnage caused drives home the thought that it had been unnecessary. The fight is short and to the point, but the aftermath is foreshortened.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-10-2011, 10:51 AM   #1205
machievelli
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Revan's Last Enemy
Kaloten

Post KOTOR: The team returns to Taris

The piece has a problem with flow, Scenes that need to be embellished were left lying. Primarily it is an editing problem.

Pink Elephants
Phoenixasending

TSL, no specific time frame: Beware Jedi having visions, oh, and pink elephants

The piece begins with a disclaimer that it should not be taken seriously, not that it was needed. Every time someone mentions a Jedi power all of the others chorus TM (Trademark) and having the Exile die because an elephant steps on her just put a period on the sentence.

The 2nd Sith War an invisible war part 1
Khawk

Post TSL: A spy trained by Revan works to discover the Sith's future plans

It is a good thing you mentioned English is not your first language, because I would have really torn into you otherwise. There are things wrong with the work but it is not that bad:

First, remember to reread, edit, and rewrite your work to smooth it out. Second remember conversation breaks. Third, describe new things. You created an animal called a night hunter, and beyond knowing it likes sneak attacks we know nothing about it.

Also, there is more to stories than just one battle after another. Your work goes 'fight here, then fight here', and little else happens.

Coruscant
Furitaurus

Pre Mandalorian Wars: The youngling named Revan arrives for training

The piece flows relatively well, the discourse on Twi-Lek skin color was nicely inserted, as was the information about Quarta (Who was only an ancillary character beyond her sex). The author also gave us a birth world for Revan, which we did not have previously.

Shadow Catching
VaguelyFamiliar

Post Mandalorian Wars: Kavar has his own goodbye with the Exile

The piece is well wrought, the background well portrayed, and her injuries from the fight still marking her. Her wistful wondering about the war and what might have been if Kavar had led instead.

Pick of the Week

Imitate
Nitesh

TSL, no place given: Bao-Dur assists the Exile in constructing her new lightsaber

The piece flows well, Bao-Dur being his usual helpful self, Atton his obstinate self, and the Exile working to replace part of her past she had given up on. Well worth the read.

kotorfanmedia

Caught
Jiara

Pre KOTOR: Juhani has problems with her friends and lovers.

Jiara always turns out class work and this piece is no exception. The characters are well portrayed, the subject matter and denouement outstanding.

Pick of the Week

A REAL verbal fight for Revan and Carth
Jedi Master Ariana

KOTOR enroute to Manaan: A real screaming scene between Carth and Revan

The piece is well done though a comment by a reviewer regarding all caps and exclamation points was well given. In one of Terry Prachett's books he made a comment that more than three exclamation points is a sign of a sick mind.

A New Hope Reborn
Phalon23

Pre KOTOR: The making of the main character

The piece begins with the capture, and goes from there. A good look at the situation

Turning the Tide
Wick3dWitch27

Pre KOTOR: A different beginning for the story

It should be assortment rather than engrossment. Works well but needs polishing.

The piece was fun to read, the situation funny at the start. Trying to paint a room with a grenade was a unique twist.

Butterflies
Jedi Serenity

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A discussion of love

A basic Generic discussion of love with two of the best characters for it.

The Trouble With Gizka
Codename SailorV

KOTOR enroute to Korriban: Jolee and Bastila discuss the 'Gizka'

The piece is interesting more from how they are saying things than what they are saying. Jolee comes across as he always does, and Bastila clings to their subtrefuge so she can explain her own real worries.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:09 AM   #1206
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Remember a month ago when the system dumped my hard drive and almost all of my documents went bye bye? Wellit happened with the copies of my critic's colums. I am going to have to take a week off and reconstruct at least the reviews to begin again. Sorry about that...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-24-2011, 11:02 PM   #1207
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kotorfanmedia

He's Come Back
Chitari

Post KOTOR: In an odd twist it is Revan that has to wait for her love's return.

The piece flows very well, a little slice of life with a mother handling her sick daughter on just another day; until Carth shows up. It looks to be an interesting tale from here on.

KOTOR Version 2-Revan's Soldiers, Sith Triumvirate-Chapter 1-New Names
Hitokiri Akins

Post Mandalorian Wars: Revan chooses the first Sith Triumvirate

The piece has an air of foreboding that is well done. The idea that he has not yet slipped to the dark side is suggested over and over, and being the only one who realizes the threat of the Ancient Sith helps push the story along. It looks good so far, and I wish I had time to read all of it.

Pick of the Week

Price of Power RevanOrdo

KOTOR on Korriban: The relationship between Yuthura Ban and Uthar seen from their own views.

The piece flows very well, the internal dialogues well done. You can see the Sith master/apprentice relationship clearly.

Pick of the Week

[url=http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/4608] Maps and Directions [/Steak, Eggs and Honor]
Prisoner24601

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Dantooine

The piece starts off with what must have been Bastila's worst day since the adventure began. It immediately goes down hill from there as she tries to coerce Canderous, upset that he thinks she's drooling over his physique, and her mental comment that the only thing o Revan's mind right now is what color to paint her toenails. It is riotous and funny.

Pick of the Week

Armour is a Mandalorian's Best Friend
Bald As Malak

Set in both KOTOR and TSL: Canderous has two private duels, and while he loses one 'engagement', he wins the other.

Using personal relationships described as military ones is an old thing, but this is well done. Describing his hands as light infantry assaulting the hills, his field artillery, the body from hills to a bunker, all fit and are amusing.

Pick of the Week

The Annual Ebon Hawk Pazaak Tournament
Belladonna

Aboard Ebon Hawk, combined crew: Having found a file by the same name, the Exile and Mission decide to rewrite some of the rules

The piece is funny with the old rule being mentioned, and sometimes being rewritten as they go through. Some of them are logical; not allowing droids to play if their master is also playing, not allowing Jedi because they are too stuffy. Some are merely joking, Wookies are not allowed to play because they will rip people's arms off was rewritten that no one was allowed to pull off any appendages. The fourth rule, stating that pilots must use Nar Shaddaa rules (Strip Pazaak) was almost the Exile's downfall until rule one (No Jedi) was invoked.


Fanfiction.net

Star Wars Battlefront
ZombieSquirrel

SWTCW: The battle Geonosis revisited

The biggest problem was you needed to reread and edit, and check grammar. Words such as there will pass an automatic spell check but when you meant their (Their force attacks) and where (When you meant were) disrupt the flow and cause the reader, want to reach for a pencil, even if they are not critics.

Basically a generic retelling of the battle at the start, though from the point of view of Mace Windu and Yoda.

Over Pazaak Cable Fraga

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A game does not really mirror life, regardless of what Atton thinks...

The piece flows very well, and the idea that maybe both he and the Exile want a relationship does not preclude the idea that each also has their own definition of it.

Doubt Bald as Malak

Pre TSL: A last meeting between the Exile and one of the Jedi Council.

The piece flows very well; the break in the force very well defined. Worth the read.

Pick of the Week

Ghosts of the Past Prometheus71

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: The events as the Generator are activated.

The piece is a generic retelling with the generator on the planet rather than in a ship which is the way I had done it. The description of it's effect was well done.

Falsities ElenaTheHun

Plot Bunnies: Different pairings of our old favorites

As she herself said, these do not fit the canon, yet are cute ideas. Juhani as a Mercenary, Mira as both Canderous' daughter and the new Mandalore, Atris as one of the soldiers during the war.

IsolationCortessaBlatt

TSL After Nar Shaddaa: A view of a slave's life with a unique character

Having read other work of CBs I had always wondered who Sloe was. This piece is a good explanation, and the backstory fills in the character nicely.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:34 AM   #1208
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Fanfiction.net

Over Pazaak
Noneko

Pre KOTOR and KOTOR of Korriban: A look into the lives of two of the extra characters

The piece is very well done, the vignettes; on of Trask, the other of Thalia May give us insights into their lives not expressed in the game. The idea that Thalia had escaped from Taris made it even more interesting.

Pick of the Week

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2802270/...ing_the_Circle
Tales of KOTOR Completing the Circle
Dante-Revan

TSL on Dantooine: The Exile goes to face the Jedi Council for the last time

The piece flowed well, and the scenes, albeit generic were fun. Having both the Exile and Kreia take Brianna over was a bit much, but workable

The Jedi Code
Furitaurus

One shot sequel to Coruscant: The young Revan is taught the meaning of the Jedi code

The piece goes through the one point that every Jedi faces, understanding the Force, and the code the Jedi live by. The author echoed the same plaint I did, perhaps the Jedi should have done a full blown sex education program where the young Jedi learn how to love without being possessive, and learn to curb their emotions rather than ignoring them. As the young apprentice is thinking, you can't wish for full knowledge without being passionate about it.

A Constant Battle
Sith Lord Darth Revan

Sequel to Casualty of War: The new Jedi Council turns to their new problem; Revan.

The piece has an interesting flow; having people we were not sure was alive still dealing with the problem helps to create a flow. The idea that Revan might still fall to the dark adds a deeper problem there.

Never Let Go
Rusher01

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile deals with Brianna's pain at being separated from her sisters

The piece fell into a fight beyond any I would have imagined. The brutality shocked me, listing a string of wounds worthy of a deathmatch. Oh, one thing, barley is a grain not a sequence as in barely.

Escape
Alexandra3

TSL aboard GOTO's yacht: It is your decision what you use...

The piece is excellent in that Alexandra3 had her Exile heal her rescuers, and continue the fight.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Exhibitionist
Tarawen

Post KOTOR: I know the feeling...

The piece snuck up on me, but I understood the feeling in the queue. Having live with roommates I understand the irritation of a bathroom hog; that's one reason I love living alone now.

Pick of the Week

[url=http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/4589
Trouble
Sera Terranova

KOTOR on Dantooine: Mission reacts badly to the open sky

As the first reviewer commented, Mission's reaction was perfect, living in the lower city she would never see the sky and suddenly having it in your face would be terrifying. Her reaction is typical Mission, and her cover story equally perfect Mission.

[url=http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/4432 Invisibles[/url]
Rex

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Their relationship was never meant to be...

An interesting pairing; having Bastila and Malak have a relationship was an interesting twist. The piece was fun; two young people dancing around the idea that they are acting like any two young ones, even to Malak's denial of his love before his departure.

The Birth of Revolution
Aderyn

Pre KOTOR: Revan gathers her forces.

The piece flows well, and the situation was also well done. The idea that Revan would have to warn her followers of her decision is excellent, and the one unnamed soldier is probably Atton.

Cries of the suffering
Revansdow

Pre KOTOR: Bastila facing Revan, and failing

The piece flows well, and Revan is superlative in explaining his view. But then again, Lenin was just as dark in his own way, and just as good at explaining his motivation.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-07-2011, 12:23 AM   #1209
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kotorfanmedia

Make No Assumptions
Joysweeper

Mandalorian Wars: Revan blows up at Malak

The piece was welll done, albeit a bit confusing. Revan is portrayed as having been crippled (Missing part of an arm and one foot) and definitely sarcastic.

How Malak Lost His Jaw
Bald as Malak

Mandalorian Wars: Malak relates why he cut off his own jaw

Another reviewer made the one comment I would have made; that this reads like a history lesson. I agree with that reviewer that the ending, while necessary, was emotionless, giving us nothing of his feelings.

The Heart Never Forgets
Alawerence79287

Post KOTOR: Bastila says goodbye to Revan one last time

The piece flows very well, the vision as crisp and clean as the other scenes. The end is typical 'soon to be a legend' you see in all heroic fiction.

Pick of the Week

Two Minds
Inicol1990

Post KOTOR: As Revan and Terra fight over the body they inhabit, Terra makes one last request

The piece flowed well, and the ending, while expected, was perfect.

Pick of the Week

Ajunta Pall-I
Tirwaz

Before Ajunta Pall's Defection: The source of his fall was right inside the archives all along

The piece is written diary style, and is thought provoking in that the Sith records he researches are in the archives all along. It reminds me of scenes from the book The Keep by F. Paul Wilson where the main character explains that the reason you keep grimoires of Black magic is because that way you have a refernce point as to when the magic goes dark.

Pick of the Week

Timmy
Kitome

Post KOTOR: You have to prune the Jedi somehow...

The piece has this 'we're going to clean house' feel to it, and HK47 made it sure it would be bloody and efficient. As others have pointed out, Lassilia and 'Timmy' being down the well fits for those of us that are older.

Fanfiction.net

Descent
Cadillac Cowboy

At Malchor V: Regardless of cost the Mass Shadow Generator is to be activated

The piece reminds me of history:

In case you have not read my own “Return From Exile over at Lucasforums, it is an interesting fact that as the components for the first Uranium bomb were being flown to Tinian for the Hiroshima bomb, the first ever plutonium bomb was set to explode in New Mexico. Before that bomb was set off, and fully a week before the first operational bomb was dropped, a number of the scientists that had developed them delivered to Robert Oppenheimer their worst prediction; that setting off either bomb would set off a reaction in the atmosphere that would devastate half the planet. As we all know, the first 'Trinity' bomb was set off, followed by Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and fifty odd set off by both sides during the next two decades.

But picture that officer, told of the possible destruction of the entire planet as he says, 'Go for launch...'

Shoes
DWH

KOTOR: The crew comments on footwear...

The piece covers every major character, yet leans toward 'I like it this way' on each set of shoes.

The Blue Side of the Farce
DWH

Tsl on Peragus: You have got to be kidding me!

The piece revolves around of all things, an introductory song. After reading and parsing it my question is why lead off with a song?

Bastila
BubblyOfArt

During Mandalorian Wars: Bastila's first mission forms the woman she will become

The piece has all of the odd views of Bastila; moping like the lovelorn teenager she is, violent when they try to rape her, aghast that perhaps Revan did not love her, and determined to succeed.

Lego Star Wars Episode 1 Going to the Moives
ZombieSquirrel

No era given, so no one can be blamed: The Lego Star Wars Characters go to the premier of the first movie.

I was amused through what I did read. The characters are too busy being juvenile to get anything done, and throwing poop at Yoda and Anakin on the screen while they're dancing fit well with what you expected. I had to quit reading when the projectionist (Jar-Jar) decided to settle the audience down with cannon fire.

Feeling the Force
Furitaurus

Long before KOTOR: In retrospect, Revan explains how the Force works to a small degree, and tells of his first conscious use of the Force

The piece flowed well, and the explanations of how two Force abilities work very well conceived. He also suggests that there are bad midi-chlorians and good ones; explaining why Force powers of the different sides are hard to use.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-14-2011, 12:39 PM   #1210
machievelli
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Had a little problem earlier; every time Itried to open the column, I got a database error. Sorry about the delayed posting.

The Coruscant Entertainment Center

Code geass lost colors: love fever
Revan sama

NonSW Fiction set in Code Geass: A sick girl is nursed by her love

The piece is a bit confusing, but well done regardless. You had an additional unnecessary word when you had him hold her hand more (Not necessary) stronger.

Fanfiction.net

Extreme Prejudice
The Count of Tuscany

Republic Commando set when the Jedi Temple was destroyed: The three survivors of Delta Squad take a hand

Except for the addition of Delta squad, the piece is a generic retelling of the fight at the temple.

Debello
Kendoka Girl

At the End of the Mandalorian Wars: Revan embraces the dark side even as she slays Manda'lor

The piece flows well and only having read two segments I wish I had time to read it all. As both Karen Traviss and I have done, the author embraced the will of the Mando'a and made them something beyond cardboard cut outs of evil. The characterization of the Mando'a is like a newly cut diamond, rare and perfect.

Pick of the Week

A Call to War
Rattlin666666

Pre KOTOR: Just an average day in the life...

The piece give us a look at the characters before the war intervenes. Each appears like a newly minted coin.

Wants
ElenaTheHun

Post TSL: What does the Exile want?

The piece is a look into the Exile's mind. As she comments, everyone seemed to want something from her, except for Bao-Dur, who had what he wanted already.

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic
Revan Jast

KOTOR Starting on the Endar Spire: The adventure begins

Basically a generic repetition of the story, the author tended to use the wrong word, and forgets conversation breaks.

Holy Oceans of Bacon
Revan's Split Personality

KOTOR aboard the Ebon Hawk: As the last line goes, some things are better left unsaid

The piece starts with a whimsical thought and goes rapidly downhill from there. The dream might be defined as a nightmare, though I think being attacked by an ocean of bacon is a bit much...

kotorfanmedia

The Steel Tomb
KaylaRevan

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Revan and Bastila end their fight

The piece is short, too short to get a good feel for the author's style. The scene is well done, with a good view into the mind of both characters.

The Liar
Zulu86

Pre KOTOR: Saul Karath prepares his betrayal of Telos

The piece is a well done in depth look at a secondary character. Saul comes across a little uneasy about what he is doing. As the author points out, in naval combat you are not killing people, you're killing a ship, and that makes it feel cleaner somehow. Unlike his subordinates, this disturbs him, and this comes across very clearly. Another interesting aside was the idea that Carth was not living with his wife any longer.

Pick of the Week

Denial
Midnight Hawk

During KOTOR, no specific location given: A thread of denial

The piece covers the characters well, and give an instance where they admitted denying something. The sections give in depth looks into them, making them come to life albeit briefly.

Death and Denial
Lnicol1990

Pre KOTOR on Korriban: How Selene died

This is not covered often and my favorite part was having her literally kill herself by running right up to the Terrentek. Her last words fit the scene perfectly.

A Cathar, A Princess, and Buttercups
Yggdrasil

Post KOTOR on Coruscant: Juhani decides to make an interesting friend

The piece is short, but the idea of a Juhani/Bastila friendship is intriguing. Having Bastila play with the force like a youngling is a funny picture.

Death: The Final Frontier
Crystal001

KOTOR on the Star Forge: In the final confrontation with Carth, they both lose

The piece is sweet and to the point. Revan is dark lord enough to kill her lover, but the part of her who loved him is strong enough to poison that well. Considering what was going through her mind Bastila killing her was almost a mercy.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-21-2011, 06:50 PM   #1211
machievelli
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

Squadron Legacy
Sithspector

Pre Mandalorian Wars: An element of fighter go on a scouting mission

The piece is very well done, the feeling of prepping for a possible fight well portrayed and technically efficient.

The Archives
Master Finch

No specific time given but sometime before TPM: A Jedi team searches for clues

The basics of the story are good, and the flow is excellent. The main negatives are listed below:

Technical notes: I notice you're English and a teenager, so I will instruct gently. Coming from a society that has tried to do without guns for the last century, you probably don't know the rules of safe public firearm usage. There are many rules, but the only one needed here is this; drawing a gun escalates the conflict to the point that someone will probably die in the next few moments. Let's change the scene:

Detective sergeant O'Donnel LAPD is coming to a local bar to talk to one of the employees concerning some crimes. He bypasses the line, and the bouncer draws his pistol, pointing it at the officer. What happens? In America that is called brandishing a firearm and if you have a concealed carry permit it will cause that permit to be revoked, along with the possibility of a couple of years in prison not only for brandishing, but threatening an officer as well. If O'Donnel is a typical fictional cop he'd either beat the bouncer bloody with it, or shoot him himself. Before you ask, the review board would define it as a clean shoot; the dead man had a gun in hand already.

Check the Wikkipedia; the Ithorians are almost as pacific as the Camaasi. Having one suspect in a crime I can accept, but attacking someone chasing them in that regard does not fit the racial profile.

Welcome to the Forum

SW TOR: CONFESSIANS OF A JEDI CONSULAR
MsFicWriter

Set in SW TOR on Tython: A Jedi Padawan investigates odd attacks

The piece has a nice flow to it, the inner asides regarding early training were thoughtful and fun. The only negative I can see is one I would award to Laurell K Hamilton for her first book Guity Pleasures. You have a man with a voodoo charm that needs blood, meaning something (or someone) specific has to die to supply blood for it and you wonder who (Or what) that might be at the same time you are investigating vampires that have suddenly been murdered. (As my daughter would say, 'well duh!').

The first thing your Jedi should have wondered is if this is the first Trandoshan to make this quest. If he is one of many, the new aggressiveness might be in response to those attacks. Later he comments that he will avoid the eggs, which suggests it might not be the case, and only at the end do you come to the deeper mystery.

Technical note: To a non-sentient creature, words have no meaning. Take the example of Lassie trying to tell you that Timmy has fallen down a well (I have always wondered, I don't remember an episode of the TV show where that squirt fell down a well) and is trying to get you to follow. What would the Jedi pick up from Lassie's mind? She would feel a sense of danger to another, picture the boy's face, and him falling into a hole, and the boy's cries for help. In this case you would feel the same sense of danger, the picture of the crystals with the feeling that something is wrong with them, and nymphs dying around them. The last would be of Jedi coming before to collect the crystals, and an overwhelming urge for your Jedi to take them now.

All in all a good read.

Welcome to the Forum.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Promises and Poison
Inicol1990

KOTOR in the Taris Undercity: Stricken with Rakghoul poison, Carth flashes back to Telos

Like a lot of the author's work, this is thought provoking. Linking a physical poison to a mental one is not a new idea, but is done very well here.

Pick of the Week

Make No Assumptions - Bickering Like Children
Joysweeper

Pre Mandalorian wars: The first meeting between the Jedi and the Mandalorian did not go as planned...

The piece is fun primarily because of the acrimony. You have two prisoners too busy taking digs at each other for the situation than anything else. But that is only an overlay. The little details make it amusing; the senior POW having the men answer not by name but by planet of birth to confuse the enemy, the comparison to the Republics's neat line up of equipment to the Mandalorian version which looks haphazard.

It has the gritty feel of someone being captured and thrust into a camp to rot.

Pick of the Week

There's a Wampa Ice Monster in my Fridge
JediDWH

KOTOR aboard the Ebon Hawk: Is it just me or does it feel cold?

The title caught my eye, and it was next on my queue, so I opened it.

After I finished laughing, I had to agree with other reviewers. It was fun watching everyone gang up on Carth because he was the only one not complaining about the ship's temperature. The characters are perfect; Both Bastila and Leiraya (Revan) threatening to kill him, Mission threatening to steal all of his stuff... Just too cute.

Pick of the Week

The End of Telos
Green Twilek

Pre KOTOR: A play in the Greek style setting the prelude of the Jedi Civil War

One editing comment, I think you meant Joint Chief of Staff.

The piece is hard to follow if you don't know the style. My main problem with it is linking the Jedi to the trade in slaves; their failed students becoming slaves for Telos. Like the society the style comes from, slaves were a serious part of their economy and total manumission without a built in delay would have shattered it, as it did in the South during the War Between the States.

Now I get on my soapbox briefly; if the men that signed the Declaration of Independence here had put in a codicil that stated all children born after this date would be free it would have caused problems (Just as my comment will in some minds) but it would have ended slavery in less than seventy years, since a child born the day before it would probably die of old age in that time. You would not have had a devastating war and a century of subrosa oppression as America did.

Before your scream, the subrosa I mean is that the Rutherford B Hays became president with only 47 percent of the popular vote because the Democrats had rigged the elections in the south and were caught at it. This was because the 'saber clubs' and 'gun clubs' (Forerunners of the KKK) in the south terrorized the freed blacks into refusing to vote (For all of you Democrats; Historical fact) but three states with 20 electoral votes had been disputed because the Republicans had also been rigging elections((For all you Republicans, see comment above to the Democrats). This lead to the unwritten compromise of 1877 which was where both major political parties agreed not to admit this publicly, and Hayes became president. This left the freed slaves at the mercy of the locals.

Snakes and Gizka
Belladonna

KOTOR on Tatooine: Another of Jolee's incomprehensible stories

The piece is well done, the story amusing. I agree with Bald as Malak that the connection between the Gizka and the earlier argument could have been a little clearer.

Jolee's Gizka
Kiraboros

KOTOR on Tatooine: Jolee decides gizka aren't that bad.

Like a lot of the Jolee stories, this one has an odd subplot and is amusing.

Fanfiction.net

The Star Fromage
Revan's Split Personality

KOTOR aboard the Ebon Hawk: A strange dream leads to an even stranger conversation

I loved both the dream and conversation. The surrealistic aspects, renaming the Star Forge the Star Fromage because it sounds more evil, leading to falling to the fondue side of the Force was just a riot.

Pick of the Week

What I Havent Told You I
CortessaBlatt

Mandalorian Wars: A deeper look at a secondary character, in this case Bao-Dur and his remote

The weariness of a veteran watching the newbies comes through very well. I enjoyed the little byplay between the techs, using an odd series of numbers, and making comments about the breast size of Twi-Leks causing both irritation and laughter.

Technical note: The Chiss would not be contacted for 4,000 years

Destiny
Cable Fraga

Pre-TSL: How did Atton end up in the force cage?

Remember to do a visual edit. Baited (put bait in a trap) should have been bated(held).

The piece is poignant with history we never saw. Atton's 'crime' is perfect for the devil-may-care pilot and the 'old man' being his father was just as interesting. However, I wonder about him not claiming to be a Jedi; I know the security systems used in modern airports and the idea that Peragus would not notice leaving a ship early suggests that maybe his father was named Zez Kai Ell...

Pick of the Week

Carths Patience
Cable Fraga

Five years Post TSL: Revan finally returns

Remember to do a visual edit. Summing should have been summoning.

The piece is poignant in that Revan (Mara) returns finally, and Carth who had recently retired is still there, waiting for her. The scene is slice of life but moving with the unsaid emotions of each of the characters. Well worth the read

Pick of the Week

I Hope You Dance
Simon System

Post KOTOR: When Bastila refuses a romantic relationship with Revan, it's Mission to the rescue.

The piece is an interesting twist in that a male Revan does not end up with Bastila. His sorrow at the situation is well portrayed, as is Mission's intent to get to the bottom of the problem and fix it somehow.

Pick of the Week

Destiny
Prometheus71

TSL on Malachor V: An interesting pairing

The piece is a bit confusing, since it isn't until after Atton's death that you discover who her love is. One of the more interesting Dark Exile stories I have seen.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-26-2011, 10:24 PM   #1212
machievelli
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

SW: TOR: Questions and Answers
MsFicwriter

TOR On Tython Continuation of Confessians of a Jedi Consular: As they rescue the Traandoshan, The Jedi and her master consider what might be causing the problem

In the sentence; 'I see. Well, if you're willing to come with us," he told Qyzen Fess, "we'll give you medical care back at', the closing should be 'he told Qyzen Fess,'. There was no logical reason to stick it into the center.

I have to thank the author for the kind words at the start and I went back and reread the last half dozen paragraphs. My suggestions were accepted, acted upon and improved what I did read. Not a pick of the week, but getting there.

Fanfiction.net

Me from Citadel Station
CortessaBlatt

TSL on Citadel station: The Ithorians deal with a disaster of their own.

All of the negatives except for one have been voiced by the author so:

I agree you cannot tell if there is more than one sex with the Ithorians, but something like 80% of the animals you see on Earth are the same without very careful looks; when you consider two horses, one a mare, both are usually the same size. Until a small mammal rolls over on it's back you cannot see the sexual dimorphism, I.E nipples on a female, protruding genitalia on the male. In fact additional clues are few and far between. Some mammals it's obvious; only male lions have a mane for instance just as only a male deer grows antlers. Such obvious sexual dimorphism is rare in mammals, though quite common among insects and birds.

When you have human children before puberty, the usual way to tell the difference is gender specific clothing and gender specific toys and hair lengths. Sometimes you can differentiate by attitudes, boys being more aggressive, girls more prone to cry, that kind of thing. Yet you get the sensitive boy and the 'tomboy' girls. It isn't until after puberty when a boy's voice deepens and a girl grows curves that it is visibly obvious.

I would have suggested something like the 'transfer neuter' concept used by John Ringo for the Indowy and the hermaphroditic genitalia of the Posleen in his Aldendata series.

Revan's Path
Irish08Slasher

Post KOTOR: The hidden Sith plot to kill both Bastila and Revan

The piece is a bit confusing in that your Sith have taken a more nihilistic turn than normal. The characters need more fleshing out.

Realpolitik
ElenaTheHun

TSL on Onderon: An interesting look at the relationship between Kavar and Talia

The author creates a relationship of support only for their own ends. Neither character has any redeeming values.

Salvation
Verbal76

Post ROTS: A slave remembers his past

The piece is confusing since the alien described was bred and trained to hunt and kill Jedi, yet few would have remained at this time. Also using such an assassin as a mere training item also does not make sense; sort of like using a tank as your town car for shopping.

One Chance for Life
Rattlin666666

KOTOR on Endar Spire: With the addition of another character, the story begins

Remember conversation breaks. The addition of the second character, especially with the irreverent attitude of Coran makes this part interesting.

Technical notes:

First there is a reason the shaking wakes Revan in the game; picture sleeping in your bed when suddenly the entire building shakes. You wake up because houses are not supposed to shake, so it is abnormal. In a space ship with any form of gravity control, having the ship shake would be just as alarming, because your gravity controls remove such things except when it is overloaded momentarily as when the ship is hit by weapon's fire. Unless the Endar Spire was in orbit, there is not way the Sith could have boarded quietly, but even then there would have been alarms, and from personal experience the battle stations alarm would jerk even the soundest sleeper from their beds.

Second, try to avoid game related tags (Cryo grenade for instance) because it distracts from the story flow. The problem I have with the game, both video and RPG is that those who wrote them were raised on games such as D&D and are merely trying to create a technical equivalent of the spells of those game. So you have staged grenades still the same size, or mines, also staged, and grenades with specialty attacks. I argued with one person who using the game has a Star Destroyer practically indestructible because of it's armor and explained how a fighter can damage it by making a fighter cannon more powerful than a tank gun.

Mending Mistakes
Ilea Drake

Pre TSL after the Exile's trial: Kavar and Corsela say good bye

The story is good, but I had a problem with the description of the void and what could happen. It would make sense that it would hurt others if she had access to the Force, but why would be a danger only then? Considering that the force is supposed to be all pervasive, this is like leaving a full can of herbicide standing open on the lawn because it won't kill the gras until you pick it up. It would be more logical to kill her rather than take the chance that she infect everyone who is remotely force sensitive. It would have been equally logical to keep her in custody, explain what is happening and enlist her aid; after all she was willing to go back to war if it meant stopping Revan's rampage. The Council's decision was a larger mistake than she had made.

kotorfanmedia

Gizka Chaos
Crystal001

KOTOR, no specific planet given: The Ebon crew is harassed by... a Gizka?

Placing it time wise was difficult because of things out of sequence; Saul being alive, but Sarin (Revan) already knowing the secret of her identity. I especially enjoyed the idea that Sasha appears to be an accepted member of the team, as she was in my own novel length work.

The piece is a Bugs Bunny cartoon with the Gizka playing Bugs, and each of the crew playing any of that rascal's victims, though taking pictures of Mission in shower is a more adult scene. The end is fun, and everything between first seeing it and that end just too funny for words.

Pick of the Week

Storm Sword
Monarch Rat

Just before KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: One of Bastila's Jedi spends time with the crew

The piece is an interesting slice of life for the typical crew on what will soon be an atypical day. The main character has a great deal of background, but some things (Being a good warrior at age 2) is confusing unless he is not human, which is never quantified.

Escapees
JoySweeper

It was interesting making the Jedi Temple on Alderaan almost a knock-off of a Parochial school. Having the kids willing to brave the darkness only with a buddy was cute. Showing different Force abilities and how they could go wrong (The boy's rock, the door satisfied that it is doing it's job and finding the door code by feeling where others had punched numbers) along with the childish dialogue was very fun. It is a pity the author didn't expand of the festival.

Pick of the Week

Heroes of the Republic: The Post-event Interview
Jae Onasi

Originally reviewed 17 February 2007 at Coruscant Entertainment Center. That review below:

I just hate post game interviews. They’re almost as bad as the talking heads who have to explain what the president said. But the piece is funny, and the style typical TV commentator.

Reprise Pick of the Week

New Rays of Life
Kiraboros

Originally reviewed 17 February 2007 at Coruscant Entertainment Center where the author posts as JediMaster12. That review below:

Set After KOTOR: Carth comes home in an emergency to find something unexpected.

What can I say, JM12’s work is always nice to see, and fun to read. Well done.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Once the Seed is Planted
Riajaynis

Beginning 16 years before KOTOR: The seed of Evil is planted long ago. Can Revan assure it does not grow?

The piece uses one of the secondary characters from Korriban, a character I merely consigned to failure in my own work. Having them work together in the final confrontation is what the game suggested, but the backstory removes Mekel from the mere 'Sith tough' category and into the 'I can be redeemed ' one. A very well done work.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-03-2011, 10:36 PM   #1213
machievelli
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SW: TOR: A Matter of Motivation
MsFicwriter

TOR Ongoing: The Padawan doesn't get any rest, now there is a duel to fight

The piece is coming together very well. You did forget one option as to why Tamara wants to fight now; she was obviously at the temple relaxing in comparison to the main characters day so far. Perhaps she feels that it will blunt the main character's edge and make her easier to defeat.

Good work; keep it up

kotorfanmedia

Yuthura's Awakening
Bald As Malak

One year after KOTOR on Korriban: Yuthura finally decides to continue her original quest

The writing is pure BAM and worth every moment of the read. Her internal dialogue is well done, looking at her situation and the extent of what she wishes to accomplish daunting. But She intends to at least try.

Pick of the Week

The Unskippable Prologue
Riajaynis

KOTOR Prologue: What might the character be thinking?

The piece made no attempt to sneak up on humor, instead it leaped right in to the deep end of the pool and dragged you with it. When Carth calls (The one after Trask had died) Trask was still there, and the next part ensues:

'Huh? Trask what in the galaxy are you doing? You're supposed to be dead!'

'I know, sir! We're working on it!' Trask wailed.

Raine stared at him in shock. 'Wait, you want to die? Why didn't you tell me sooner?!'

She unsheathed her vibroblade but Carth's voice interrupted impatiently.

'You don't have to worry about it, Raine. We already have something prepared.'

'It's not a problem, sir. I'd be happy to, really.'

Later when she is checking the way to kill the squad between her and the escape pods she checks the computer and...

'I wonder...' she clicked on Security Commands.

GAS ROOM

OVERLOAD POWER CONDUIT

ENGULF ROOM WITH FLAMES

RELEASE ACID

DROP TEMPERATURE TO SUBZERO

REMOVE OXYGEN

FILL ROOM WITH BOILING WATER

RELEASE MAN-EATING GIZKA

MAIN MENU

LOG OUT

What would you do? She releases the man eating Gizka.

Definitely worth every keystroke!

Pick of the Week

Choice
Charmei

Starting at age 1: The early life of three Jedi

The piece starts out simple, one child crossing a tightrope, and branches from there as we watch these young Jedi from age one to 8. A pity I can't read the entire thing, because it's starting out fun.

The Follower
Astalnie

KOTOR on Leviathan: Malak remembers his own fall as he confronts Revan after her return

The piece is dark and you realize that while he worries about his position, he is more terrified that Revan will merely return to her old position.

Rules of Engagement
McFinnegan

Post KOTOR: The horror!

The piece struck at every chord a woman has; confiscating her chocolate, forced to diet, I shudder to think of her mindset. I am just surprised she didn't go on a rampage when first HK then Bastila comments on her figure.

Pick of the Week

The Princess Diaries
McFinnegan

KOTOR from Taris to Dantooine: Bastila as a valley girl?

I picture Bastila as the events in the diary excerpts occur, and it caused me to chuckle. Calling to a bubble bath as if it were a lover she hasn't seen recently, whining about the lack of tub on the ship, and Mission's complaints about mere three hour showers. Oh the horrors!

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Legacy of Malachor
Prometheus71

Post TSL: Bao-Dur is the last holdout as a Dark Exile tightens her grip on the crew

The piece has the feel of a fine horror story, the plucky hero resisting as the evil makes blandishments, knowing that it is his soul they fight over. And like most such horror stories, the hero loses in the end.

Suckerpunched
CortessaBlatt

TSL on Dxun: Sparring leads to...

While defined as slash, I don't think one kiss makes it so. As for all those with a knee jerk reaction to this, I am probably one of the oldest people here (I turned 58 in July) and the story only bothered me because of the unnecessary angst in the last few paragraphs. What did it matter?

The Dance
Noontide

From Pre Mandalorian Wars to the destruction of the Star Forge: Two old friends share every experience except one

The time span causes some problems because the only link between the prewar and present is the duel and the difference in their reactions. They go from good friend sharing everything to mortal enemies. As the las few paragraphs say they were heroes, villains and saviors in their own time, and the only thing they did not share was death.

Doubt
Dreamshell

Pre Mandalorian Wars: As Bastila grows stornger in the Force Revan leads his followers into battle.

You have a calm before the storm feeling here. Bastila is upset because she cannot go, yet Revan's reasons are valid.

In the Light and Darkness of Us
Rattlin666666

KOTOR on both Lehon and Korriban: The link draws both Bastila and Revan toward the darkside

It's interesting that Bastila's fall began when Revan overreacted in the tomb of Tulak Hord. Feeling the woman she had balanced all this time finally losing it was too much for her to bear.

The scenes are as graphic as the author mentions. If you are easily disturbed read only the portions without Bastila until the end.

Ruin
Alexandra3

Pre KOTOR: The Exile comes to lure Kavar to the fray

The story flows well, and the Exile's intent is perfect; it isn't that she wanted sex specifically, rather that she wants the connection that she remembered.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 09-06-2011 at 11:09 AM. Reason: wrong part of post
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Old 09-10-2011, 12:19 AM   #1214
machievelli
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Attack and Defense
Mswriter

TOR Ongoing:The duel begins, but things are not right...

Usually, I loath the obvious. I hate it when I know what the next scene is going to be. When writer's surprise me it's more fun. Like the scene in Serenity when the Captain uses 'you wanna run this boat?' and Jayne says, 'hell yes', followed by the captain saying, 'well, you can't' is a perfect example.

From the instant Tamara began deciding what weapon her opponent would use I knew where it was headed, but I didn't dislike the scene. You had to show somewhere what effect the tainted crystals would have and you did splendidly. I even know what the next scene is going to be, but I am not disappointed by anything except the brevity of the scene.

Excellent work, and I look forward to the next section.

Fanfiction.net

Hidden Stash
Prometheus71

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk, no specific timeline: Beware Jolee's hidden stash...

Considering the warnings in the first few paragraphs, I had wondered what would occur when Mission added the tach glands. I had expected something like MotherMayhem's Licking Gizka, but that wasn't the case.

What we got instead was a relatively generic retelling of the confrontation on the Star Forge, and Carth greeting Saul Karath as old friends. The timeline dating above is obscure because I don't know if Revan was getting a Force vision, or just remembering it.

Corellia Twirl
DWH

Based on the Blue Side of the Force: There are ways to learn how to be graceful

The piece shows us another side of the Corellans and especially the one thing used oddly enough by both sports teams and firemen, the use of dance to teach proper motion to the practitioners.

Survivors Guilt
PadawanMage

KOTOR during flight between Taris and Dantooine: Carth helps Mission deal with her survivor's guilt, and helps his own as well

This is a scene that would have fit well in the game, two secondary characters dealing with their problems, and helping them both to heal in the process.

Pick of the Week

Snapshot of a Gryphon
The Lemon Thrower

Post KOTOR: A child and a pet learn about life

The piece is not linked to the universe it is portrayed in, but it is a fun read with even the child learning from the experience.

Pick of the Week

Crystal Quest
The Lone Gunchick

Three Weeks Post KOTOR: The Jedi from the Ebon Hawk receive a new mission

Returning to Yavin IV to retrieve even more famous lightsaber crystals is a valid side quest timed well. The interplay between the masters and the Jedi being sent is also well done.

Dream of Stealth
Amme Moto

Five Years Post KOTOR: Revan and the Exile must find a medallion, unfortunately, Carth is there and as much as she wants to, Revan is afraid Carth will try to stop her.

I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Revan comes across as a fumbling woman trying to avoid that one true love, and Carth is the love seeking missile that won't let her get away. There's enough backstory to know that some of the old crew of the Exile's has gotten together to assist Carth, and her feelings for him haven't changed.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Bastila Shan: Convictions, Prologue
Penticost

Post KOTOR: Bastila seeks knowledge, especially how to explain her condition

This one sneaks up on you. A Dark Bastila is sometimes fun to read about, and having her be vindictive (Dislocating every joint in someone who treated her shabbily) then trying to figure out how to tell Revan he is going to be a father? Just too choice for words.

Pick of the Week

To Make Her Love Me
Revanrand16

Pre KOTOR: After losing his jaw, Malak still wants Revan to love him

The piece is both poignant and disturbing. Poignant in that Malak has loved Revan for over a decade, but disturbing in that she can slice off his jaw, make him an object both of example and terror, but also have him willing and eager to portray that example.

Lost and Found
Niner

Post TSL: A final lesson given by Mical

The piece surprised me; having a young Jedi being trained by Mical of all people, and while they lost their battle still surviving. The ending is pure Jedi mind tricks, even as he dies, Mical has to teach that one final lesson.

Bolook
Joysweeper

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two apprentices need to find privacy, but not for that...

It surprised me, honestly. First the wrestling style is probably based on Sumo (Which for a Westerner who doesn't understand it does look rather like a pair of guys twice your size trying to bitch-slap each other, or tear off their Fundoshi) and having to hide when they practice is understandable, considering that if one of them were female, all they are wearing is loincloths afer all. Then suddenly, as he main character pointed out, they were stuck in a bad romance novel. Too funny for words.

Pick of the Week

Men's Talk
Jalana

KOTOR no specific time given: A drinking game goes awry...

Picture two men drinking, sharing their woes, then falling about as drunkards do. Then the reason for this drunken debacle. Then add that it it's Canderous and Carth getting blitzed, and you have a very good idea of what's happening.

The piece is funny and rambunctious, Carth losing it early because he doesn't have the Mando'a's implant, then his last statement. I understand why Carth is torn, and why Canderous thought it was funny.

Pick of the Week

Friendly Advice
SailorV

KOTOR no specific place given: As Lena sets out for Dantooine, she tries to pass on lessons to another young Twi-Lek

It's interesting when you look at the world through the eyes of a secondary character. As much as Mission loathes the woman, and her own words in the game give you more back story, you get more from this simple story.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-17-2011, 07:47 PM   #1215
machievelli
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Painful Lessons
Mswriter

TOR Ongoing: As the victor in her duel, the Padawan learns another lesson

The piece has a good feel and the entire story is coming together. While the Padawan sees it as the victor tending to the one who lost, I was reminded of the quote from the Duke of Wellington; The only thing worse than a battlefield lost, is a battlefield won. When you lose, the enemy holds the field, and you are no longer part of it. But when you win, you get to tend to the bodies and wounded.

Excellent work. Continue.

Squadron Legacy chapters 2-4 (Reviewed all together)
SithSpector

Ongoing Pre Mandalorian Wars:

Technical notes:

1:When you had the character say; “We’ve got bogeys, let’s split!” I was confused. In modern day civilian slang, split means of course to leave. But in fighter jock slang split means to do a tactical split, widen formation to avoid enemy fire. But the subsequent maneuvers did not match that command.

2: considering the number of fighters carried by the average ship of the Republic, the Nebulon Class frigate, the carriers are closest to the modern British carriers, carrying few aircraft (The Ark Royal carried 22 aircraft, 18 Harriers and four helicopters) the Kiev class Aircraft cruiser (31 aircraft), Admiral Kuznetsov (41-51 aircraft) or the Commencement Bay class 'Jeep' carriers (34 aircraft) used during WWII and Korea. This means that you would not have private quarters for flight officers; even squadron leaders would share quarters, and junior officers would be in four man quarters and communal showers. If you assumed the cubic space aboard a modern American carrier instead, squadron leaders would have single quarters but they would almost always be close to the flight deck, and on one level if possible along with rooms shared by pairs of junior pilots. If they had single quarters, there would not be a need for a communal shower.

There doesn't seem to have been a reason for the alarm that started the entire chapter. If it were an active weapon warning (I considered that the ship's internal sensors detected the active proton torpedo) the ship's emergency systems should also be able to jettison the ship before the explosion occurred.

The flow is very good, the scenes well portrayed. The characters are fleshing out very well and the sudden hostility when our two heroes are thrust into a squadron to replace the injured and dead is perfectly done. I am enjoying it immensely.

kotorfanmedia

Promises
Plutospawn

Post TSL: Carth has another duty to Mission now

The piece is sad and poignant. When they make movies about war they unfortunately forget that not all wounds are visible. Mission is reduced to a child here, only casually linked to the real world and Carth feels responsible. There wasn't enough back story to tell us what had happened specifically except that Mical who had been her partner had been killed in the same incident.

I understand and applaud Carth's perseverance in this duty, yet at the end I want to cry for them both.

Pick of the Week

Junior Officer in Love: A Cautionary Tale
Belladonna

KOTOR On Taris: Concerning the events on Taris and what caused the destruction of the planet

The piece is well done, using flashbacks and surveillance footage. The events are dissected with all the care of an autopsy. Excellent.

Pick of the Week

Dreamgirl
Dinah Lance

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Carth and Morgana spend some time together.

The characters are well wrought, especially Morgana who as one previous reviewer commented, is primarily a cardboard figure in the background. The byplay between the characters, especially with a young doctor in training balanced against a hotshot pilot is superb. The prophetic dream could have been left out without affecting the story at all, which was one comment made.

Pick of the Week

The Jedi and the Mandalorian: Prologue
Ravenrand16

Post KOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: Two old friend look forward to a reunion

The piece is excellent work with the two main characters well portrayed with obvious changes from their game selves. Each has grown since we saw them last, even Canderous, who we have seen more recently.

Pick of the Week

Ieiunitas Laurifer
Tiwas

KOTOR After Leviathan: Revan must now deal with the revelation of his true identity

The piece is too angst filled to get the full picture. Revan's shock at the revelation literally carries the piece, from his shock at Bastila's losss into enemy hands, a thought of suicide, then taking charge again through his pain.

Well worth the read.

Yuthura's Unexpected Catch
Bald As Malak

Three years Post KOTOR: Yuthura meets either her soul mate or her nemesis

The piece was interesting, giving you a view of the slave trade through the eyes of someone who facilitates their service. The piece is compelling because the facilitator is someone you feel compelled to like, as Yuthura and Gizka himself feel.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Many Ways to Fall
Louiseifer

KOTOR on Tatooine: Carth deals with the revelation of who Revan is

The piece is smoothly done, just some downtime before going on to the Star Forge. Carth's worries are well focused, and by the end are resolved.

Things That Should Never Be Forgotten
Zadi

KOTOR, so specific period given: There are things the new Revan refuses to forget

The piece is too short to really get a handle on. It reads as a prologue.

The Pyre
Assamith

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: As Canderous sits dying, he and Revan share some quality time

An interesting look at dying. It is curious how many times people seem to just relax when death is near, and how that last moment of life is the most sublime.

Edge of the World
Louiseifer

Eight years Post KOTOR: Carth and Revan are reunited

The piece like the previous one from this author flowed well. The eerie calm makes it almost dreamlike.

Mission Accomplished
Facing My Failure

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Mission pushes Carth and Revan together

Except for the brandishing of weapons which I considered unnecessary, the story flowed very well. Mission being both peacemaker and Cupid strained my acceptance, but it worked out.

Dha Werda Verda RC1203
TWong

Pre AOTC: All this, and it was just an exercise

The piece runs hot and heavy with action. The 'training' is fast paced and grueling. Well done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-25-2011, 02:15 AM   #1216
machievelli
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Duel of Fates
McClure777

All three posted episodes reviewed and critiqued simultaneously

During Jedi Civil War: A warrior joins a battered flagship

I read your 'about the author post first, so I was ready for the problems you mentioned. What you didn't mention was failing to remember conversation breaks. The reason you have them is so that the reader knows someone else is talking, making sure the story flows like a slow winding river rather than choppy rapids. Remember to do a visual edit because strait (Tight) will pass a spellchecker even if you meant straight.

Technical: The manner of Gannor speaking to the officer was unnecessarily disparaging, as was that officer's overreaction to the morose conversation about the battle. Having served in a military unit, I know there are times when you correct a subordinate, but the Officer's reaction was as if he had been trying to foment a mutiny, not because he was pointing out that they had come out pretty battered. As an example, you could have had him walk over, saying something like 'keep it down (rating), the civvies are worried enough without that' and only when the guy goes on giving the reprimand you did if the man ignored him or protested vehemently. The officer comes across as either having more trouble holding it together than the crewman. Then as a martinet with his 'I have my orders'. Gannor could have eased the situation by treating him as an officer.

Since we do not know his rank, I can not tell if he is being insubordinate or not; a man of the same rank would and could talk to another this way, but if he is junior it is being insulting, and if he is superior, he should not speak to another officer in that tone in public. He has done to that officer exactly what the Captain did to the crewman.

If you get a chance, watch the Original Star Trek the Movie, especially the scene where Kirk comes aboard and tells Decker he has been given command over the junior captain. Even though the exchange is acrimonious, it is still civil.

Technical notes for Chapter 2: A standard vessel might hold thousands, but anything smaller than a Star Destroyer could not hold hundreds of thousands. The Queen Mary, when used for a troop transport, carried only about a brigade, 4500 men and officers.

Technical notes for Chapter 3: I was curious about them being unable to fight back. Even if they were badly outnumbered, they should have been able to do more than run away. The fact that even this one ship survived suggests hubris on the enemy's part, allowing them to get away rather than a failure on the part of the Sith.

Also, if the conditions are as bad as the officer and Admiral suggest, why are they trying to recolonize? You don't dump civilians in a war zone like this. You couldn't pay them enough to get them to agree.

Last, if you're going to have a conference as you show, you would not need to have either of the other officers there. Someone would have assured they had something to drink, a carafe sitting on the table for example; and the pad could have been carried by the Admiral, rather than having another officer have to hand it over.

As I said above in section one, reread visually before going on. Make sure you are using the right words. You used were when you meant where, another time when a spellchecker will ignore it.

The basics are good but the characters come across as contrived. How this one man can fix the problem is never adequately explained, and he seems to infuriate everyone he speaks to. I will not vote in the pool because I never do; conflict of interests. It can be a good piece with a little work and thought. So go out there, polish and smooth chapter four, and post it.

I'm waiting...

Fanfiction.net

We got issues
Darth Phex

KOTOR and TSL: And you thought your group therapy was bad...

The piece snuck up on me as I watched in amazement. The only thing I wondered was why the Therapist didn't get a job in managing a pizza restaurant rather than trying to maintain a therapy session. Or maybe a Mongolian barbeque...

Pick of the Week

Defeat at Malachor V
Cyanida

Mandalorian Wars on Republic Base: Bao-Dur and the woman later known as the Exile go on their first mission.

The piece has a smooth flow to it, and the characters are vibrant. They click, especially the byplay when eating a disgusting meal.

In The End of All Things
FeeldaForce

TSL on Malachor V: Atton's death scene revisited.

While the piece is generic, there a real feel to it. You can almost picture him dying in her arms, and her reaction to it. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Battlefront 2 A Story of Galactic War
Quane

Star Wars AotC on Geonosis

Technical note: With a built in comlink, the character would not have needed to pick up a radio, merely switch channels. Also, since an AT-TE has only four legs, it would be both, not all front legs.

If you remember the movies, there is almost no discussion when someone takes command. The character should merely say 'mount up', though the discussion about which salient to reinforce was well done.

I was confused by unit size, what with the main character leading a 'squadron' of five yet the other two supporting squadrons were able to detach 30 out of 70 fighters to render support. Remember that a US based fighter wing before losses is 72 aircraft, broken into 3 squadrons of 24 aircraft, though the term usually means 12 per squadron. Most units are reconstituted before being sent back into battle so he should have had at least the dozen mentioned above. Also, squadrons are broken down into attack or tactical, and Interceptor. You would not have a mixed unit like this very often unless it is committed before resupply can reach it.

The piece was excellent in that the battle scenes felt real except for the mentions above. The hopeless confusion when he went from tank commander to grunt was well done. One scene that always bothered me in the original movie Red Dawn was when an air force pilot gave instructions in infantry terms, something only a history buff would know because the Air Force Academy does not teach small unit infantry tactics.

Pick of the Week

It is Such a Quiet Thing to Fall
Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: As she contemplates the future, Atris descends into madness.

The piece is dark from start to finish, Atris starting as someone too warped to maintain her sanity, and gets worse as the years progress. She is constantly rationalizing why her own path is the only proper one, and you get the sense that the Universe she will create is darker even than one ruled by the Sith.

Pick of the Week

The Liar
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2836112/1/His_name
His name
The Lady Revan

PreMandalorian Wars to TSL: Revan remembers the meetings she had with the sad little boy who would be Nihilus

The piece is poignant and sad. I wonder how he was able to stay as long as he did among the Jedi and why they allowed him to escape.

Pick of the Week


kotorfanmedia

Broken Promises
PookiePie98

four years Post TSL: Revan returns, but it's not the happy ending she had anticipated.

The piece is outstanding. Revan's reported death caused by a Force Power, Carth taking another woman as a fiance leaving Revan devastated. The feeling she has are strong and driving. This is one I wish I could read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

Where The Heck Are We?
RogueLadySabyne

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: An author causes the characters to go ballistic

Having had knock down screaming arguments with my characters sometimes, I can feel for both sides in this case, everyone has their own horror story here, and I enjoyed seeing each reliving that horror.

Pick of the Week

Incident on Dantooine: Quarta
Joysweeper

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Revan leaqrns that someone likes her, and Malak gets a new teacher
The story flowed well, and Revan's aside to herself that Padawans and Apprentices do things no one would have conceived of because they don't know what is impossible yet was choice. Having Vrook actually act like he cared about someone was a twist I had not anticipated. The primary hang up I had with the piece is the 'Dr. Livingstone I Presume' quote, which is of course Earth based.

Pick of the Week

Wait
schmoopy

Post KOTOR: Revan has to wait to be accepted again, but can she?

The story is short but sweet. The idea that everyone seems to be standoffish is well done, and the woman has no one to even discuss it with but Jolee. His own asides about her nightly activities is telling because he knows that if she is not accepted soon, she will just drift away.
Transparent Shadow
oktobrerayne

Post KOTOR: If Bastila had failed to seal away the dark side, would Revan and Carth still love each other?

This author is in my list of favorites, and this story shows you why. You have a Dark Revan brutalizing Bastila, but only until she repents her attempt to take away her mind, Forgiving Malak his attempt to destroy her, and now turning her sights on Carth, not to destroy him, not to even injure him any more. But merely to break his will enough that he will love her willingly. The character is cold and like a child wants it all right now.

Pick of the Week

Juggernaut
Ellecrys

Alternate Universe: With Bastila's failure in capturing Revan, He completes his true mission

As a Dark Side ending it is superb. Not bothered by fumbling around trying to defeat his orginal purpose, this Revan is cold but not callous. He does not grieve for the people slaughtered in this battle; he feels the satisfaction of finally obliterating the True Sith once and for all. Chilling.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-01-2011, 10:31 PM   #1217
machievelli
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Duel of fates chapters 4 and 5 critiqued together
McClure777

During Mandalorian wars, continuation: Our hero sets out.

One thing I have noticed is that you have ignored my criticism. The style leaving out conversation breaks is frustrating. Here it's my job to read on anyway, so I will finish them all. However the average reader might not give you that consideration. A frustrated reader finds something else to read instead. He might tell you he liked it to spare your feelings, but that is not my job. I was hired to read and advise the writer here.

Again, remember to visually edit because words that do not fit will pass by if they are spelled right. As examples just from your first paragraph alone we have barrowed (Which did not pass my spellchecker) instead of borrowed, base instead of bash, and supply's (As in the belonging to the supply department) being loaded. In chapter 5 byou had bared instead of bore, and bare instead of bear as aiming.

Technical note chapter 4: Unless the pilot set the ship to hyper out through a star, I can't see something that large being affected by the collision. Even the smallest star is too huge to notice it. Remember that Han Solo mentioned passing through a star as something that could happen, and such an impact would probably create a solar flare, but wouldn't cause it to supernova.

Also, only the larger stars supernova. The smaller ones; anything less than ten times the size of our own sun would not be able to do so.

Technical note chapter 5: On any ship, you have a balance between what is needed to operate and fight it in the case of a warship, and the additional space necessary for the crew. You could save space in something like a jet fighter by using a more modern engine; the modern ones used in the F/A18 are more compact that those used in the fighter of the early 50s, but even then the space is not that much. What I am trying to get across is that you only get additional space aboard a ship by removing equipment that might be needed to operate it, like the WWII 'Fast transports' created by ripping out half of the engines in an old destroyer to free up cargo space. While called 'fast' they were only a few knots (Less than 5 usually) faster than the transports they were to replace.

Squadron Legacy chapters 5 and six reviewed together
Sithspector

Mandalorian war continuation of previous story: The new pilots learn to fit in.

This line 'each handing their flight back to the crew chief for the particular fighter'. Didn't make sense. Is this the notes they had made on problems? Or maybe the crew chief's report of what had been fixed? This sounds like that byplay, since a pilot will notice something wrong first, report it to his crew chief, and the chief will make sure it gets seen to. A friend had sent me an email of such comments back and forth about four years ago from Fed Ex, (who has the world's best safety records) with one coming to mind; Pilot report: Evidence of oil on landing gear, crew chief reply: Evidence removed.

Technical note: Lasers do not have shrapnel. Also, even though you have special effects of explosions and cannon fire with sounds in movies, there is no such thing in space. An explosion is merely a ball of fire that expands until the shrapnel hits your ship or shields.

I hated to have to criticize anything of these pieces Sithspector. The story is flowing very well and the interplay between newbie and veteran is well done. The pedantic style of teaching the one pilot balancing with the sarcastic yet caring actions of the flight lead were excellent. The end, the arrival of an overwhelming force counterpoints it all.

Pick of the Week

An Unforgivable World
Revan Sama

Dragon's Age based: A witch creates the perfect foils for her own capability.

There were some times you didn't complete sentences. 'experimented many things' for example could be taken to mean experienced many or experimented with many. Though the context supports the former.

The piece is perfect if it is a prologue. I'm wondering what is going to happen now.

kotorfanmedia

Equivalent Trade
Plutospawn

Pre KOTOR on Corellia: By changing just one thing...

This work drowns the reader in the loss of a child. Any parent that has buried their child would remember and feel their pain, and Carth's reaction to condolence letters heightens the effect. So much we remember from the game would have changed if Morgana had lived instead of Dustil, and Carth would still have felt no better.

Pick of the Week

Forgive Me: Part One
Tatooine92

KOTOR on Korriban: Only when she goes on does he realize...

We all realize the angst the characters are going with and the author captures it very well with this piece. Most of course have the reconciliation sooner than we see here, but seeing it in a situation where we as readers know she will survive but they as characters don't know is perfect.

Pick of the Week

A Tale of Two Cuties
Tatooine92

A typical day in Lucas-land

I have to admit I woke up in a foul mood today, but this cured it with laughter. Picturing the two primary love interests fighting over the girl, (who by mixing names could be either one of the main characters) was funny enough, but add name calling, the Pazaak attack, and nine Gizka who sound like they should be pulling Santa's sleigh, and you've got a lot of fun in a small package.

My only question is; why no Carth fan girls in the audience she's telling it to?

Pick of the Week

Jedi
RyannQuinn

Pre Exar Kun War: Vignette from Jolee's life with his wife

The flow is good, the subject rarely covered by other authors. The fall of Nayama is a bit quick for my tastes, but when you consider the Council acted atypically compared ot the harsh judgments you see in other works his flight from the order was to be anticipated.

In The Arms of an Angel
Tatooine92

Mandalorian wars during Dxun campaign: Carth is rescued by a woman he has not met...yet

The battle scenes were well done except for one thing, that the Mandalorians seemed a bit tentative on the attack. The newbies freezing still standing reminded me of a training scenario I did in my own Return From Exile, except that in real battle the sniper would have taken them all down as they did. Otherwise, very well done.

Pick of the Week

Epilog: Repercussions
343Panic

PostKOTOR: Revan's Trial is finally to begin

The piece is excellent because this is one scene you usually see, and witnessing it from the public via the press makes it more interesting. The inane questions (What does it matter if a dark Jedi wears black underwear?) are typical of the modern press mobbing someone before a trial.

The change in the viewpoint, again, is typical of the media pushing it as well, a sad commentary on our modern world.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

The Mandalorian Wars
TweetieBird

At the start of the Mandalorian Wars: The Jedi will not enter, but there is a test...

You used the wrong term a few times. As an example coercing suggests you have something like a blackmail medium to use. You also used lose (As in failing) instead of loose (As in making something easier to move).

I didn't have time to read every chapter, but the first one went over excellently. The piece flowed very well and the idea of having a Jedi (Female Revan ) disguised as a waitress went over well. It reminded me of one of the Vignette created by Andre Norton where a master strategist stops an enemy advance merely by sitting idly play a harp when the enemy approaches.

All the Right Questions
Dranzen

Post TSL in the Unknown Region: The Exile gets a chance to ask some questions of her old friend.

The piece was fun in that you don't really know what kind of Jedi Revan would become running about alone for all those years. Revan's reply is rational, the idea that there is a medium albeit perhaps not happy between the 'light' of the Jedi and the 'dark' of the Sith. The end was even more fun because of the idea that Revan hadn't escaped merely because she hadn't considered why she should as yet.

Pick of the Week

Finding Faith
Affirmation26

Specific period not given though some characters outlined suggest Mandalorian War era: A teach and his Padawan are given an assignment

The story flows well and the idea of having a pair mismatched according to the Council is an odd one. There has not been a story I remember before this one where the master/student pairing could be set aside by the Council. My question is how much time had passed before the Council became involved in that decision.

Confessions of a Fool
Phantom6612

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton's internal dialogue is not a pretty place

Told completely within his thoughts, Atton is too busy trying to come up with reasons why she should not care to wonder if she does. He's caught between the desirable woman he sees, and the monster he see himself being.

The Resurrection of Revan
La Belladonna

KOTOR on Manaan: A Dark Jedi tries to defeat what he considers an overage Padawan, only to find his error too late

The story went well, and Revan's using his own pull on the light saber to kill himself was masterful. My main question is this; with only about ten thousand odd Jedi, how could the dark Jedi she faced not recognize her?

Chiasmus
Freesourceful

KOTOR on Manaan: Carth has found a way to remove Revan, but who will be removed?

The piece was surprising in that not only has Revan reverted to the dark side, but Carth had another way to get rid of her.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-08-2011, 10:54 AM   #1218
machievelli
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SW: TOR: Suspicions/The Perfect Game
MsFicwriter

Continuation of TOR fic: A team will go into the caves to discover what is happening.

Editorial note: Your master Yun rejected Qyzen Fess too readily, condemning him for one act witnessed by a Jedi. His secondary reason (Injury to his arm) would have been more acceptable in my mind. As for his first reason:

In my own Return From Exile (Page 5 Section 169 Under the header Destiny) I have the fight between Hanharr and Mira where Mira removed his hand (My version), but caught him by the manacle he wears trying to save his life. This in my mind was the attempt to allow him to grow beyond his hatred, but he refuses, and dies. Only in the next section, when she goes with him to the Shadowland to meet those that have gone beyond does he learn how stupid his hatred had been.

Technical note: As much as the RPG plays with stealth generators and shields, you will notice I rarely use them in my own work. We have yet to see a stealth generator in the SW universe outside of the games, and except for the Droidikas, you do not see shield generators for something smaller than a warship. I also avoided either Jedi or medpack healing for the same reason. My problem is, that unlike all of you younger authors, I dealt with Sword and Sorcery Fantasy before the game D&D was created, yet the game was created by people who grew up with those games where magical healing and potions of healing are commonplace. The only selling author I have read (And enjoyed) that uses such props is Elizabeth Moon's Paksenarrion series where she goes into an explanation in the first book (Sheepfarmer's Daughter) as to why such healing would be rare.

However, Obi Wan aboard the Death Star showed that an alert Jedi Master could easily assure that attention was somewhere else without technology.

Kid, I am not slamming you personally; too many use the forms of the PRG without thinking of real life.

Another sterling work. I enjoyed the idea that Qyzen Fess had noticed a problem the Jedi had ignored.

Pick of The Week

Star Wars Duel of Fates Chapter 6
McClure77

Continuation of the ongoing work: Gannor explains why he came to be as he is, but is interrupted by a crash...

Again, conversation breaks. You used rapping as in rap music rather than wrapping (enclosing) and the only way haulted passed a spell check would be for you to add the word to your dictionary since it is spelled halted.

There is no explanation of what caused the crash either.

A note on your poll; so far most of your characters are mere cardboard cut outs with no real depth or description. Even the main character is barely filled out.

The Chronicles of Jebord Esio & Belcameron Cook (rewritten)
JebusJM

Set in TOR: The Jedi prepare for a misson after one has a nightmare

Most humans reach their full growth by their late teens, so saying someone is 'tall for their age' doesn't make sense when they are 20. The paragraph with 'went into the small bathroom and washed his face under the basin. When he was done, he dried his face on a towel and then proceeded' should be trimmed. Remember one axiom of writing is never use more words than you need.

If you have read my Heart of the Universe you will note that when the doctor is commenting on how she feels, I added the aside that everything she was feeling was a breakfast metaphor, causing a sarcastic comment. But I didn't stretch it out.

Remember to sight edit; you used though (As in although) when you should have used thought.

An interesting work. Keep it up.

Fanfiction.net

Beyond the Outer Rim
Graceful5301

Post TSL: Along with Atton, The Exile begins his search for Revan and ends up in another force cell

The piece had problems, primarily with spelling and word usage.

I only read two chapters into it, but the newly added character intrigued me. Her own irritation at using an alien race known for it's flowery speech balances with the ogling eyes of both her and Atton when they finally meet. I wish I could read it all. The last comment was that the story had been abandoned; pity.

Technical note: I would have used viewport or merely forward port rather than windscreen. The latter suggests a normal vehicle rather than a spacecraft.

Pick of the Week

Not to Know
Greengrass1914

Pre KOTOR: Carth searches yet again for his son

The piece moved me a great deal. The idea given to him by the woman who had started only thinking of mugging him was perfect. Thinking of the boy missing for two years as still the 12 who had been lost; in other words, searching for the memory rather than the boy. Her refusal to neither take the offered money nor continue with her original plan shows her own pity for his state. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

A Mix of Juma Juice and Caffa
Dranzen

TSL after departing Telos: Atton isn't sure what's going on

The piece was well written and as the author said, pretty much a fluff piece. The Exile comes across as someone having too much fun for her own good, and Kreia as ascerbic as you would anticipate, with poor Atton caught in the middle

A Life That Is Mine
Promised Flower

One year Post KOTOR: Revan struggles with the life she must lead

Well done and written, the idea that the instant she became a Jedi she no longer had a choice in her own life might be enough to sustain her, but the pain of that realization is great.

Pick of the Week

The Second Battle of Naboo
L337Kage

During Imperial era, no specific timing given: A battle is fought and almost lost

You're not keeping track of the numbers you have given; if they have 100,000 troops and you only have 300, you are not outnumbered by 100,000 to one, you are outnumbered 334 to one.

Technical notes: The disparity of numbers makes no sense. The primary support for your attack is a walker (Only one mentioned) and a Star Destroyer, but the enemy can close rapidly and once among your troops, your supporting units cannot fire without killing your troops. To quote Joe Haldeman, there are enough that they can walk in with a rock in each hand and beat you to death.

The battle starting with the destruction of the walker was a farce. Having the supposedly trained warriors fleeing like ants from a child's stomping foot made no sense, nor did the Gungans allowing them to form a defense perimeter. Once the perimeter was formed the battle began to look more logical, and training obviously too over again.

A Masters Beginnings Blade and Master
Crimson Paladin

Thirty plus year Pre KOTOR: Vrook can't sleep the night before he builds his lightsaber

An interesting look into the past of a secondary character. Vrook comes across as an earnest young man excited before the best day in a Jedi's life. Having both Kreia and Jolee there as his friends foretells all sorts of problems later in his life. The author commented that this is one of a series; I hope to see more.

kotorfanmedia

An Abnormal Kotor Parody
HK47

Leaving the ship with the worst name in history: Our hero (?) is too busy trying to earn dark side points to do much good at anything...

The piece is a parody, the author told us it was. But this parody goes from sublime to ridiculous so many times I'm not sure how often it was planned, From getting beau coup dark side points, then whining because he got a single light side point, then having the Jedi that died kill herself, Trask dying twice, Bandon cutting off his own manhood, Carth losing both hands and only being rescued because the author wouldn't let our hero leave without him, and ending with the hero in Carth's cast off boxers (With starships on them) it was a madcap race where you don't see the end until you literally run into the wall at the end.

Pick of the Week

http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/58...nce Encounters
Ryusui

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Now if only she remembered

The scene was choice. I was wondering how the could have met and almost done the nasty the evening before the Endar Spire blew up without remembering it. Now Carth has to start all over again with her.

Pick of the Week

Head Above Water
Joysweeper

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Old friends renew their acquaintance.

Nothing much happened, but there was a lot of time spent on catching up with each other's lives. Picturing Malak in what would later be his trademark suit, but looking like his younger brother playing dress up was cute. The explanation of the exercise medium was well done, though why would a Jedi be naturally more dense than a normal person?

Origins of the Meatbag
Ryusui

PreKOTOR: So that was where the term meatbag came from!

The work is short, more the pity, I was having fun with it. The idea that HK got repetitive before was a given, considering he tends to think of everything around him as a target. My favorite line was one that another reviewer also loved:
'Worried Statement: I think I might've broken Master...'
Pick of the Week

Promises
Kirabaros

Set in her Avalonian works: Dealing with pre-wedding jitters, Avalonian style

Considering the context, it should be exasperated rather than exasperating.

The piece like all of her work is excellent in creating the background. The simple oath and bonding ritual evokes a feeling of another world very well.

Pick of the Week

Bloodlines
AURevan

Mandalorian Wars AU: What if Malak had gone alone?

One minor problem it's canon (Writ) rather than cannon (Artillery piece)

The piece covers one interesting aspect, Revan not going off to war. The commentary about Malak tells us he hasn't changed in this alternate universe, he's still the bull in the china shop. This I think would cause more Republic casualties, even if they are winning. Also, when it came time to use the Shadow Mass Generator, I could see him using it on Mandalore as well, ala Truman and the atom bombs. I have only one question:

Is Revan possibly Mando'a? Or is there another personal reason for his refusing to go to war?

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:33 PM   #1219
machievelli
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SW: TOR: Dark Descent
MsFicwriter

Continuation of TOR fic: The team finds the contamination source, which only begins yet another mystery.

The piece is flowing well and your use of their own 'hive scent' an excellent way around the problem. In reality there are tiny spiders that use the same system, capturing an ant from a nest and using the victim's own scent glands to make it match the nest so it can live in the nest and prey upon them safely. The reversal of having the queen do something to save her nest is an interesting difference; it implies that like bees this species has a Royal Jelly equivalent.

Having the Padawan failing to tell them something specific, the toxicity of the water as well as the air was well done, and her explanation as to how she knew, and why she did not reveal it also well done. It's like the scene in Willow where the great magician is asking which finger holds the power, and Willow was sure it was his own finger, but didn't think it was the right answer.

Now we have yet another mystery. Is this holocron the equivalent of the old Mission Impossible self destructing tapes? Was it left centuries earlier, and now only recently uncovered? Or is there a traitor in their midst?

Two things; I thought Yun was the main character's master. If so, why is she being left behind? Second, don't you think the treatment of Tamara a bit harsh?

It's flowing well and I for one am enjoying the ride. Keep it up.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

After the Star Forge
Venga Fett

Post KOTOR: As the victors celebrate, Revan has nightmares not only from her past, but from what had happened at her behest.

Splitting the scenes between her own memories and events she did not witness was a good ploy. I wish I could read it all.

The Jedi Princess: Prologue
SvartKnytt

KOTOR on Kashyyk: The standard dig used on Bastila cuts a little deeper than anyone thinks

The flow is really good though the fight scene left a bit to be desired. The interplay between Bastila and Canderous sounded more like one between Carth and her instead.

The True Trials
Knight Pepper

Several years before the Mandalorian Wars: Padawan Kavar takes his first step toward the trials.

The piece covers some of the secondary characters in an interesting manner; young Padawans ready to become knights. Kavar's embarrassment is understandable.

I have to agree with Knight of the Word's comment that young Female Jedi should not be acting as flighty as a stereotypical gaggle of girls, but it was a fun scene.

The Paths Less Travelled
Lightwarden

Post TSL: Just a normal day on patrol

This covers an unspecified time; I listed it as post TSL because the categories it is linked to sets it then. If you did the Yavin side quest in KOTOR, you recognize Suvam Tam who was the sole occupant of the Yavin IV station.

The troopers left aboard the ship are the stereotypical secondary subjects who feel left out, and their gathering information is perfect for the piece, having been one of those who stood on the sidelines.

An Unlikely Helper
Mandalorian
During the Jedi Civil War: A young Jedi must report to Dantooine

Not much happens in this segment beyond the order to report. Placement is due to Revan and the Exile being named by Kavar and Atris. It was interesting and worth looking at.

Sunup, Sundown
Mr. Bojangles

KOTOR on Taris: A different take on the start...

The piece has a lot of fun to it, the interplay between Carth and Revan is different and a lot more fun that the version the game gives us. The author had a lot of teasing fun with the discussion between Carth and Kari as the sequence begins.


Fanfiction.net

In The Moonlight
Violent Flames

Post KOTOR: There is a special mission for Bastila, and Revan already knows what it is...

An interesting look at the relationship after the Star Forge. The idea that Revan already knows what she faces is even more fun.

Of Swoops and Rescues
Red Ace

KOTOR on Taris:How do you deal with a wounded man?

Hilarious! Changing the typical Carth/Revan pairing into an odd couple of sorts was just the start. Now you have a wounded Republic trooper! Whatever will they do?

Pick of the Week

The Awakening
Chikara

TSL On Peragus: The beginning

Basically a generic retelling of the story with little or no background. Your characters have no depth, the scene just rooms with no defining color or shape.

Possession
VaguelyFamiliar

TSL: Sion reflects on the link he has to the Exile

The piece has the feel of an old wound being picked at yet again. The thought is of only one thing, ending the bond between them, and expecting that the Exile feels it and relishes that end too.

KotOR Marisu Saves The Day
HelenaL

KOTOR on Endar Spire: The beginning with a twist.

For those who don't know the term Mary Sue is literal slang for a character in a series that outperforms all of the established characters and always knows more than they do. If you have read my Dxun memories, I was accused of creating one when my Exile lectures Revan (Who I had decided was a naval genius) on ground tactics. I didn't know what I expected with this title, and I would have been wrong to just say a 'Mary Sue'.

The character fits the name and characterization, coming across as a mixture of Lara Croft and a Valley girl. Upset because Trask is too busy gaping at her rather than moving the story along; killing a number of Sith with only one shot, and saving the female Jedi is only the start. I didn't have time to read the other segments but with this as a start, you have some fun time ahead! I especially enjoyed Bastila becoming Bitchila.

Pick of the Week

Total Chaos
Darth Franky

KOTOR AU aboard Endar Spire: Everyone needs one person they loathe completely...

The new character is the perfect foil for Bastila, embodying all of her opposites. Getting past 'Scruffy' (Carth) by using reverse logic worked for me.

Pick of the Week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-21-2011, 10:54 AM   #1220
machievelli
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SWTOR: Jedi Bred for War
Knight12167

SWTOR: A Jedi master reminisces on his past as his present goes up in flames

Remember to do a sight edit before you post; the first paragraphs had some glaring problems in this regard.

Thje main comment made in the story that I had a problem with is the idea that the Jedi, like a Special Ops team, is supplied with their equipment by the Republic. That would imply that the reason the Mandalorian Wars turned around after almost 12 years of defeats was because the Jedi had equipment the Republic did not issue to the regular troops.

Admittedly the Jedi Aethersprite fighters from the Clone Wars makes that suggestion, but I always pictured the Jedi choosing something more akin to a racing machine than a standard issue fighter and modifying it. As WEB Griffith in his The Corps Series (Book 3, Counterattack) pointed out, the closest design to the WWII Navy F4F Wildcat fighter already in production was the National Air racer named the BeeGee.

This is a good intro for something new. Now go on and show us more.

Squadron Legacy chapter 7
Sithspector

Continuation of the Squadron Legacy storyline: The first combat in the new war

Remember to sight edit before posting. Also, while space battles in the movies have deafening explosions, in space it would be silent; they only add the special effects sounds because most people do not realize it. Elizabeth Moon in her Familias Regnant series had the designers add sound effects for firing and hits, even going so far as using musical bridges on one ship mentioned in Winning Colors.

You went from one measurement system to another, having a fighter missed by feet, then having it fly meters above the hull of the target. Remember to stick with one system throughout.

Technical notes; You usually check weapons not long after you take off, not before actually going into battle. Adjusting the foils and modifying the shields at this point did make sense.

A spacecraft will not slow using flaps like an aircraft will; no drag. They would more likely use a vectored thrust system like a Harrier does.

Question, why did your character try for an emergency landing (Always risky, especially with a ship as damaged as you describe) instead of ejecting? It wouldn't have gotten him down any faster, but would have been safer.

I have to agree with the other reviewer; the best so far.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2884432/...with Open Eyes
Dante-Revan

TSL on Malachor V: The final confrontation with a twist

It was an interesting premise, Kreia and the Exile not only as opponents, but as lovers as well. The way the fight was going you couldn't tell if there was any loved remaining until the end. Excellent work.

Pick of the Week

The Fifth Time
Mynock Spit

KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: When you're bored with the game, here's something to try...

The author has a sick sense of humor, recruiting Trask and the Sith to start his own evil empire, stopping the attack because he's bored.

I like it!

Pick of the Week

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2880849/...] Robot Weapon
Slashing Starscream

Post KOTOR: Star Wars meets Transformers... Sort of

Remember to do a sight edit. You used order instead of ordered for example. The piece was too short to get a good feel for the writer's style. The characters have no depth.

I didn't like this for the same reason I did not like the Transformer Genre; Ask any engineer, and he will tell you that it is hard enough to make a machine that works as it was designed without creating different forms and have it also operate in that new shape. Plus the giant robot you have created has weapons too powerful to be accepted.

Technical note: Escape pods are short ranged craft, sort of like a lifeboat, they would not have the range to escape a solar system, and would usually be programmed to land on the nearest available planet. If a fighter (Which is several times it's size) does not have space for a warp engine, a pod (Something about the size of a modern full sized car) would never be able to carry one.

KOTOR II The Miffed Lords
Misty Glow

TSL Parody: The droids must get the ship to the station. How else will they continue to serve tea?

I read the first section, and had to pause before I could comment. The first thought was 'I wish I could read the entire story' because it was outrageous. As the author commented it's hard to write comedy when your characters are all droids as they are in the first segment, but this was a success. When the main computer goes into a snit and sets the self destruct, this scene occurs;

The annoying computerized woman's voice came over the com system and said, "I heard that! I will now start the automatic self destruct system of the Ever Hunk. The Ever Hunk will self destruct in T-minus 30 minutes."

"Deet boo reet dee," said T4-U2.

"What was that?" said the annoying voice. "There is no primary power?"

"Bee reet!" came the mocking answer.

"Then I will resume the countdown when you have restored primary power," the voice concluded. "I cannot destroy the ship without power."

"Tee hee tee hee," the two little droids laughed.

I may have to come back and read it, there are six chapters so far. Floating Tearoom indeed...

Pick of the Week

Echoes
Louisefer

Post KOTOR: Carth has what he wants, but considering his past, he's not sure

Ignoring the slash commentary, if you merely mentally consider Revan to be a woman, it flows very well either way. The idea that Revan is remembering things like planets not on any other chart is of course alarming, since there is no mention that this information is being passed on to the Jedi or Republic military.

The Liar
Forget Me Not
CortessaBlatt

Pre Mandalorian Wars: At age 10 the Exile my run away unless someone stops it.

The piece is short and has all of the angst you would expect from a child running away. When I was ten, my older sister- now departed- and I ran away because we both agreed that there were too many children for our parents to care for (eight) and by removing ourselves they would have enough. I remember our adamant will not to return, which lasted all of six hours.

Like the character here, we had to give up, but those memories resonated with the story.

kotorfanmedia

Revan's Path: Padawan, Chapter 1- The Lightsaber
Quesa Kentevar5

Pre Mandalorian Wars: The girl who would later become Revan gains her light saber crystal.

The piece flows very well, and the story is intriguing. It sounds like you are using notepad to write with, which doesn't come equipped with a spell check.

Technical note: As much as the RPG plays with stealth generators, you will notice I rarely use them in my own work. We have yet to see a stealth generator in the SW universe outside of the games on anything smaller than a ship. Try to avoid using game linked equipment references.

A worthy entry. Keep it up.

Jolee's Chronicles (Stories That Jolee Tells)
Venga Fett

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Why Anakin doesn't know the Jedi rules...

I wasn't sure where this was going, but as it went on, I couldn't help but chuckle. Having Mission pick the names, which correspond to the characters of 4000 years years earlier was bad enough, but having Anakin first try to explain his vision by suggesting a pet, then explaining that Obi-Wan had lost the Jedi 'rule book' somewhere on a tearing drunk was a riot!

Pick of the Week

Awaken
PhoenixGate

KOTOR on Taris: Memories start returning and Revan does not understand why

The piece is interesting in that the author contends that the memories were not buried sufficiently that they would not come back eventually. An interesting way of looking into Revan's mind here.

http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/61...Wedge Antilles
Verna Jast

Pre ANH: The spirit of Bastila Shan explains to a young Wedge Antilles how she and Revan came to be together, and how he came from that union.


An interesting way to connect the past to the future. The idea of Wedge learning it this way suggests his own link to the force.

Crisis Acquisition
Gabrielle

KOTOR on Tatooine: A prelude to other things

The scene jumped too rapidly for me to understand. It went from Revan assuring Carth that his son would be redeemed to Revan as the Dark Lord coming aboard the Ebon Hawk undercover.

There wasn't enough here to get a good feel on how good it can be.

Demise
Rotgutt

Post KOTOR: The end of a legend

The piece was confusing, jumping from present to past as he dies, and the only thing I could glean from the confusion was that he had always thought only the weak died.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-28-2011, 10:21 PM   #1221
machievelli
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I am terribly sorry, everyone, but my computer hiccuped and deleted my entire article this week, so I will have to post it next week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-28-2011, 11:23 PM   #1222
Kado Sunrider
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Dang! I was looking forward to seeing what you had to say about my story... Your computer should know better! xD


Chapter 12 of Renewal released!

Chapter 2 of Heir to the Force released!
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Old 10-28-2011, 11:50 PM   #1223
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I agree.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-01-2011, 01:01 PM   #1224
machievelli
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Well, people, my computer crapped out so bad it won't even let me open it. I don't know how long I will be down, since the local library limits you to two hours a day, and I can't save documents there. The program to fix the problem costs $75 I don't have, and am not sure I can even get in the foreseeable future. I am stuck with running using the external memory and no links to any sites I go to.

No news is not good news in this case; I will be back when I can be. I would ask one of our other mods to take over until I get back


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:04 PM   #1225
The_Catto
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Nooooooooooooo!!! I hope you get your comp fixed soon Mach! It just won't be the same if I post a fic and not having the one person I know that will critique it! Blasted technology. It's awesome when it WORKS.

Good luck with everything!

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Old 11-11-2011, 09:03 PM   #1226
machievelli
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update on the situation as of 22; Will have to hustle to give plasma saturday (They are closed Thanksgiving day, my usual time) If I succeed, I am back up monday. If not, I will be up tuesday hopefully. Wish me luck...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 11-22-2011 at 08:01 PM.
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:02 PM   #1227
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I merely updated my last post, so check it out


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:01 PM   #1228
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Back ujp, but again the computer had deleted about half of my postings for the last six months. This means I will be taking a week to gather them all up again to start where i left off. When I am fully operational I will be posting double articles as promised for the first three.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-11-2011, 07:54 PM   #1229
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Was able to get what I needed more rapigly then anticipated, but Yahoo which held all my bookmarked pages (including access to the posting side of Star Wars Knight where I also post) changed their system and deleted all of those bookmarks. (Sigh) So I will have it up as soon as an admin sends me the URL


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-13-2011, 09:47 AM   #1230
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Still waiting, but no reason why you guys should have to...

The Coruscant Entertainment Center
While I am starting where I left off some of the writers have added to their body of work, so I will review them in sequence, but add them to reviews of previous works so the readers can follow on. If there is more than one pick of the week, they will be marked separately both here and on the SWK site.

A Living Instrument
MsFicwriter

SWTOR Continuation of TOR fic: Revelations about the find

The piece explained a lot of what had gone before, and gives a chilling view of the Sith mentality.

Pick of the Week.

Followed by;

Trust Me

Regardless of her feelings and forebodings, the young Padawan is given over to a new master

Except for one niggling problem, the piece is as good as what you have done before. That problem is the condition of Revan. As the Trandoshan pointed out, it is truly a shot in the dark, since you don't know if Revan is even alive. Without the cryostasis mentioned he would have died almost 300 years before.

Pick of the Week.

If you Want Peace...

Under a new master, the Padawan's training takes a new slant

The word 'this' in the sentence 'this in the training room' was redundant. Her question implied that meeting there was irregular already.

The comments given by Alkonium are well thought out. I had the same feeling, as if her new master considered her old either incompetent or remiss. Suddenly changing the training regimen suggests that not all in the Order accept her new master's take on the situation.

Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Duel of Fates Chapter 7
McClure777

Continuation of the ongoing work: After the crash, the pair struggle to survive.

Since you consistently ignore the directions that would make the writing more comprehensible, I will merely make technical comments. One thing, Murky implies hard to see through. Water is murky, air is murky, trees are not.

A bandage is not a prepackaged square of gauze or cotton, it it whatever you can use to bind a wound. The bandage was the first step in medical science that saved lives even when it was nothing more than boiled leaves plastered over the wound.

A penetrating wound in the abdomen used to be a lethal blow. 90% of the dead on battlefields before the advent of surgery were belly wounds, yet you have two men, supposedly competent humans, one of them a combat veteran who ignore this damage, and don't even bother to reduce a sheet or sleeve from a shirt into something that might help.

Then you give us the ominous comment about the wild life; right before they are attacked by all things, monkeys (And that is the correct spelling) about as non lethal as you can get, since there is no mention of claws or teeth.

Duel of Fates Chapter 8
McClure777

Continuation of the ongoing work: New revelations about their captors

It should not be local's, we know our party is unarmed, so just the mention of the spear is sufficient. The word is grimace, not grimmest. It is on their knees, not the possessive knee's. It's first (as in a sequence) not firth, which is a cove in a landmass. It is temblors (as in aftershocks from an earth quake) rather than trembles (as in the act of trembling). The way you had Gannor enter (diving) suggests head, not feet first. To go feet first he could have leaped or simply stepped off the edge.

It is within, not with in, and dragged instead of drug. As for weapons, why pikes? The average pike is 12 to 16 feet long, making it too large to use when escorting prisoners. It is themselves, not them self's.

With this piece you finally did something interesting, revealing a buried city and the survivors huddle around it. At least now we know how the locals have survived the so far not seen wildlife.

I have been suggesting and suggesting to no avail about something as simple as common conversation and paragraph breaks. I think if I showed you what I have been saying all this time you might understand. Take just the part of that first huge paragraph as you did it, and visualize it like this...

The spear's of the local's at their backs, Gannor and Arthur marched through the dense forest. "Where do you think they're taking us?" Arthur whispered,

"Most certainly to their base."

Arthur grimaced. “We need to get out of here!”

“Shut your mouths!” One of the captors shouted as he jabbed his spear into Arthur’s back, Arthur gave a little cry as the sharp spear pierced his skin drawing blood. For nearly three hours Gannor and Arthur made their way across the forest, climbing over tree branch’s protruding from the ground, they pushed past rivers, getting drenched in ice cold water which only hurt more with the bitter cold now swooping over the moon.

Arthur’s teeth chattered as he rubbed his arms in a attempt to keep warm, “How much further do you think it is?” Arthur mumbled.

Gannor looked up at the sky to see the large moon, peering out from between a clearing of trees, it’s blue tint and glowing aura would amaze most travelers with out a doubt, he did not dare to look at Arthur as the captors would notice, he whispered back silently, “We’ve been moving for several hours, it can’t be much further, they don’t seem to be making any hint towards constructing a camp anyway.”

Try it that way when you get the chance. It will make the reader's job less difficult.

Across the Galaxy
McClure777

A new series by the same author:

Your first sentence is incomplete, and makes no sense. 'War was a disease, (So far, so good) a disease that the galaxy has no cure' should be; 'a disease for which the galaxy has no cure'. corrovet is spelled corvette, and as the Wraith Squadron book from the Rogue Squadron series pointed out a Corellian Tantive IV class corvette can only carry 4 TIE fighters, but could squeeze in nine X wings in the same space. It is supplies(Plural), not supply's(Possessive) have to be gotten planet side. You forgot lock when giving the order regarding the s foils during the intercept.

Technical note: Rebel Academy? There has never throughout all of mankind's history been a rebellious force that bothered with creating a military Academy. Whether you say Mao, Ho Chi Minh, or Che, or for that matter Henry the 7th of England or George Washington, none of them had either the time or money to pay for an Academy. They were too busy fighting to win to waste the time and money on it.

During even the more modern wars (Ho, Mao, and Che) the entire 'Academy' time was, 'this is your weapon, this is how you load it, and take care of it. Go forth and kill, my son'. In a rebellion like this you pick people to fly your fighters, and if they have even a smattering of training, have those who do know the systems get them up to speed. More like on the job training; you don't have the years an Academy would take for proper officers.

West Point didn't start until 1802, nine years after our Rebellion ended. Our 'rebel Academy' was a band of advisers supplied by France led by Von Steuben and Kosciusko. The latter name came to fame again when the Russians invaded Poland in the 20s. Pilots from the US went there and fought as the Kosciusko squadron for the same reason Americans joined the Lafayette Escadrille during the first World War.

Four fighters do not form a triangle, they form an echelon (Usually called a 'Finger four') or a diamond.

The combat scenes were relatively well done, and the cockpit chatter was not to shabby. If you had been following and using my previous comments you would be edging up to my pick of the week, but all you get is an A for effort and a D for the work as a whole.

[url]http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=208639] A Tired Enquire to a Satire Type Entree.[/url
Mr. BFA

TSL on Malachor V: The final confrontation, and the Exile's poetry

I enjoyed the middle part, but there is a reason I don't critique poems; mine are so bad that I do not feel qualified. The fight scenes were abbreviated, but that is acceptable, not everyone does a good action sequence.

It's good having you writing again, kid.

Squadron Legacy chapter 8
Sithspector

Continuation of the Squadron Legacy storyline: After his crash, our hero evades pursuit

Living beings or military units are decimated. Single people or fighters are not. The term was originally used by the Romans, who would enter rebel villages and kill every tenth man (Under Roman law, a man was at least 13, though there were instances of carrying it down to babies in cradles) while the more modern usage suggests a sizable loss. Inconsistently suggest no pattern to it, so it is not the correct wordage.

I was surprised that he didn't notice the water temperature on his hands, since there was no mention of gloved hands scooping water.

Technical note: The Chiss were not known to have been contacted until right before the Clone Wars.

You had your character spend too much time destroying the ship. It would have been simpler to merely open the fuel tank as you described, then throw a flare into the pool of fuel which would have left him his helmet at least.

Except for the comments above, the piece flowed well, and the beginning dream or memory set off his bleak situation very well.

Pick of the Week

Just Keep Running
Chevron 7 Locke

Requested re-review, originally reviewed 6 march of this year

I enjoyed having Mission and Zaalbar rejoin the ship and the escape was icing on the cake.

Only got as far as post 20, chapter V, but all in all it's an excellent read. Still don't know why Mical went to the dark side... Maybe they offered cookies?

Pick of the week

kotorfanmedia

Training
Rotgutt

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Just an average training day... Not!

The piece flows very well, the Exile (I assume) is a young self assured woman, with Malak as hot headed as ever, and Revan an amused spectator.

Pick of the Week

Acquisition
Rotgutt

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two padawan are sent to collect a new hopeful

The piece disturbed me because it harks back to the 'Jedi steal children' hype. The uncaring attitude toward the parent is also unjedilike. The child's reaction right down to throwing flatware with the Force was amusing though.

Redemption
ArchonDemetrus

KOTOR on the Star Forge: The confrontation between Bastila and Revan

The retelling is generic until Bastila almost falls to her death, and Revan saves her. From there it is very well done. His reasoning as to why he stays true to the light linked to one person, her.

Pick of the Week

Desuetude
Rotgutt

Post TSL: Confrontation between Bastila and the Exile at Revan's grave

The piece goes from 'oh you knew him too' to a life and death struggle. The end is perfect because Atton wasn't there to witness why the Exile is so upset.

Stargazing
JoySweeper

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Four young people spend the evening profitably, watching a meteor shower.

The piece was light and fun, well written and polished. You can almost sit down with them and hear the interplay.

Pick of the Week.

The Fall of Revan, Chapter 1 - The Dxun Campaign
Lambda237

Mandalorian wars: The battle of Dxun causes casualties as the Jedi begin to slip into apostasy

The primary problem I had here was the Jedi fighting the war are falling to the dark side too quickly. This is after all the first battle of the war where the Jedi fought.

The Paths We Take
Starr

Post KOTOR: Revan struggles with her nightmares

I think you meant technically. You might have your auto-suggest on and merely accepted without noticing. Same with wondering instead of wandering and rein (Controlling harness for a horse) instead of reign (Time on the throne).

Having this all play out in a soundproofed room makes you wonder if it really happened or was inside her head.

Duty
Jiara

Pre KOTOR: Carth's last meeting with Saul Karath and the attack on Telos

Technical note: As much as Starship Troopers uses the 'sir yes sir' pattern, having served in the military, the primary reason for using it was to make you remember to say sir to officers, and it isn't used outside of boot camp.

The piece starts with the calm before the storm feeling, just two old friends meeting after a long time. But it moves swiftly to a full scale attack.

Fanfiction.net

Fate
Pazaakgirl

Post KOTOR pre TSL: Atton loses a bet, and ends up going to Peragus

The piece is cute because there appears to be no reason in the game for Atton to be at Peragus.

A Nice Day
Louiseifer

Post KOTOR: Carth and Revan visit Telos... sort of.

Remember to do a sight edit; I think you meant suite (Room) instead of suit, though both would pass a standard spell check. I also wondered what you meant by groggy, again I think you meant foggy.

The piece is slow and relaxing, and Carth adjusting and readjusting the climate controls for his own amusement were fun. While called slash by the author, a few seconds of editing would have made it hetero as there is little that reminds you of that fact.

Reflections of a Dangerous Mind
Red Ace

Post KOTOR: Within Revan's mind a war is still going on, and we are not sure who will win yet

Always remember to do a sight edit. When you are flying along typing your work, you might use the wrong word, and while it will be missed by a spell check, editing by sight usually catches it. I think you meant reassurance, not reinsurance. I'm not dinging you too badly on this; when I wrote my own version of TSL one of the people told me I had made a grammar error and it took me three WEEKS to find it, I was so sure she had been wrong.

The piece is disjointed and confused. When you consider the character it makes sense that it would be; for the character is also confused, torn between love, and you will not love. Two thoughts resonated with me when I read it. First, that the two sides, Sith and Jedi are merely two different sides of the same coin, the other that loving this person might be the cause, and wondering who should take the blame for it.

And Not to Yield
Louiseifer

Five plus years Post TSL (See Technical note): Carth decides to leave yet again

The piece is poignant and sad, and not at all what I had anticipated. I was thinking of the late Harry Chapin and his song Cat's in the Cradle, where a man sees that his son has become a duplicate of himself earlier, but that is not what happened.

Carth is there almost as a guardian for his son's family, and only when he leaves does Dustil understand that his father wanted him to stay with his family as Carth had not. The ending is perfect.

Technical note: The reason I am ambiguous about how long it has been is because repairing all of the damage of a full bombardment leaving the devastation described in the game would be an enormous undertaking, almost terraforming the planet to return it to usability. That can take decades.

Pick of the Week

Tales of KOTOR The Onasi Legacy
Dante-Raven

Post KOTOR: Two men meet in a bar, one looking to kill Revan, the other to retrieve a family heirloom

The piece surprised me a little. I thought for a while that the older man, Daggoth, was Carth in disguise; looking for a newly fallen Revan, but I was disabused when the newcomer named himself as Dustil. The idea that Carth's old blaster meant so much to him was poignant; we know Carth is dead, but the legacy goes on.

There is more, four more chapters for those willing to expend the time. Unfortunately, I do not have it.

Pick of the Week

The very short Journal of Carth Onasi
BlueFairyDust

KOTOR on Taris: Carth's journal as the title suggests

The piece was a riot! Carth is more worried about his Paranoid's Anonymous meeting to do more then mentally lambast the other members of the forming team, and even glosses over what happens. The escape from Taris is merely 'Finally got off Taris. Will spare you the boring details'.

Another one I wish I had time to read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic The Jedi Order
Hiromitsu

Post TSL: Instead of going to the Outer Rim, the Exile stays to rebuild the order.

Sweat and perspired are the same thing. Visas should feel vulnerable, not invulnerable.

You're pushing the story a bit, making everything happening too fast.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2903783/... the Dark Lord
LD Little Dragon

KOTOR Among the Sith: When you read the title, you know it all...

The piece was short and I was too busy laughing to notice it. The flow is so choice that you'll enjoy it immensely.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 12-13-2011 at 09:59 AM.
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:36 AM   #1231
machievelli
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[Url=http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640] The Coruscant Entertainment

Heir to the Force
Kado Sunrider

Decades after Legacy of the Force: Luke's grandson is busy trying to pass his trials.

The piece is well written, and intriguing. You do need to remember to sight edit for grammar, since the word is sic (As in setting the dogs on someone) instead of sick

We have here the earnest young Jedi who hangs with a rather pushy friend. I was amused by his attempts to maintain his own virtue and just wondered if he was going to fall off the chastity wagon now that he's a knight.

The Order of Darkness]The Order of Darkness
Mr. Dad
Centuries after the modern EU: A Jedi is sent to find a missing Ambassador as the Republic begins to break apart.

Not enough to get a good feel yet, kid. But as MsFicwriter said, interesting take.

Across the Galaxy Chapter II
McClure777

Continuation of Across the Galaxy: A look from a ground pounder's view

It's dyeing (Changing color) not dieing and here you should use the possessive planet's instead of the plural planets. Rains of fire, not the possessive rain's, and while the screeches belong to the wounded, using the possessive makes it sound like it is the other way around just as it appears the roar owns the cannon. Souls bear burdens, not expose them. A knock is a rap, not gazing at something in awe which is the definition of rapt.

The sentence; 'She would nearly every night, have nightmares about the day she last saw her family,' is cumbersome. It might have been better as 'Almost every night was plagued with nightmares about the day she last saw her family,'. Rewriting the line will allow the work to flow better.

Technical note: What kind of hide were the boots made from? Since Corellian means something from the planet, it reads as if they used some person's skin to make the boots. As much as the byplay between Zelka and the girl was amusing, I would call anyone who has fought since the age of 13 a veteran whether it has been four years or only two. It is a sad statistic that most combat deaths occur during the first 30 days of combat. That is why the US created the Advanced Infantry School at Fort Irwin back in the 80s, so fresh young soldiers face those first 30 days in a controlled environment rather than in real battle. It is also why you cannot wear the CIB (Combat Infantryman's Badge) without facing real combat; One man said it is the only medal you really need, because wearing it tells the onlooker that you have faced the enemy in mortal combat and lived to tell the tale.

Setting up a rebel base facing off against an Imperial force like this does not make sense. In guerrilla wars, what they now call Asymmetrical warfare, the first two rules are; since your enemy is larger and stronger, you have to harry them, and that means no long term bases or mass attacks. How long would Al Qaida last if they had obvious bases? Also a rebel force requires supplies, and supplies must get through your enemy's blockade undetected. In the situation you've described, I as Imperial commander would simply blockade the planet with half a dozen Star Destroyers and their full compliments of fighters deployed long enough to drag a small moon (no larger than 6 kilometers, about two thirds the size of a Super Star Destroyer) and drop it on the planet. A meteor that big wiped out the dinosaurs, and would assure that the Rebels would have to move somewhere else, if they were smart.

Second, you need to conserve your force while doing what you can to drain away your enemy's. Anyone who has survived as many years as have been mentioned (I'm not talking the decades since she saw her family, merely the years mentioned with Soul) would not eagerly agree to a plan that smacks of Douglas Haig (First Earl Haig) who lost over 2 million men because he consistently used tactics right out of our own War Between the States such as Pickett’s Charge but facing rapid fire machine guns. An officer who suggested a plan would not be an officer for long and I can't even see it being considered.

You seem to have little grounding in warfare. Read up on the Battle of the Somme http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somme_1916 where due to poor Allied tactics, over a million men died in four and a half months, making it the bloodiest battle in recorded history.

SW:TOR Friction
MSFicWriter

Chapter 11 of her ongoing work: Under a new master our heroine feels something is not right...

I cannot see a Jedi master giving such an order. Stating that they are tool using beings but sentient sounds to me like the demonizing methods used by the Nazis and other groups that have practiced racial cleansing.

It also smacks of Caedite Eos. During the Albigensian Crusade (Which has the distinction of being the only Crusade aimed only at Europe) where the Papal Legate, Arnaud-Amaury, when asked by a Crusader how to distinguish the Cathars from the Catholics, answered: "Caedite eos! Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius" – "Kill them [all]! Surely the Lord discerns which [ones] are his".

Or as a modern pundit during Vietnam claims an American officer ordered, 'Kill them all, and let God sort it out'.

Like all your work so far, this is riveting and well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

Followed by:

SW:TOR Part I Finale: Poetic Injustice

Chapter 12 of the ongoing work: Our heroine is captured, and finds out about a traitor

The piece surprised me only in that I did not see a Jedi master as a direct traitor. It flows well, and ends at that bleak note good horror does.

Pick of the Week

Followed by thew interlude before the next work:

http://www.lucasforums.com/showthrea... Fatal Answers
MSFicWriter

Interim after SW TOR: CONFESSIANS OF A JEDI CONSULAR and TRIALS OF A SITH INQUISITOR: Enroute to her enslavement, Our heroine finally realizes the depth of her betrayal.

The piece brings a lot of things together. It is almost as if except for her own master the entire enclave was part of the betrayal. Eagerly awaiting the next installments

Pick of the Week

She also scores a special Best of the Year nomination for the combined work. When I reached the end, I was reminded of a comment in a Teen Titan's episode. Brother Blood, who operated a school for criminal super students finds that the second best student he has ever had was operating undercover for the police. His best student, actually a Teen Titan named Cyclops had also been undercover.

His frustrated comment to the revelation was 'didn't any of my students come here to study?' That was feeling I got from her Tython Jedi Academy.

Smuggler's Return [CHAPTER 1]
MrObiWan

No specific Era given: A smuggler's new assignment may lead to his death.

Remember conversation breaks. They will make the flow better for the reader.

Not enough to get a good feel yet.

Technical note: As I have mentioned to several writers, remember that not all of your readers will be game players. To grow as a writer, you must remember what is in the game, and what is canon. There are no stealth belts in the canon so far, and a med pac doesn't miraculously heal you.

Smuggler's Return [CHAPTER 2]

Continuation of Smuggler's Return: As the hero discovers that he has been set up, a bounty hunter is loosed on him.

Again, conversation and paragraph breaks are needed.

Technical notes: You have your character flailing around blindly, walking into one obvious trap after another. So let's take it from the top:

You don't know where your cargo is. This is absurd, smuggling is a rapid turnover occupation; you pick up items at point A, and deliver them secretly to point B. You would not accept a commission where you don't know what you're picking up, or where it is located. Put it this way, if you're transporting military ordinance, you would know what you are carrying, and which specific base it is located in. Since this job also has snatch and grab as part of it, the man hiring you would have given the base, and any security arrangements you have to circumvent. What your character has done is accepted a blind commission being told only that it is at a base near the Capital city of the planet. Not very smart.

Second; you merely walk into a local bar and ask 'which base has something valuable'. Again not too bright for a number of reasons. Undercover police also hang out at these local bars. It's like the scene in Star Trek IV where Uhura and Checkov (With that Russian accent) are asking passersby where the 'nuclear wessels' are. It was fun in the movie, but the motorcycle cop would have had them detained just because they are too flipping crazy to let them run around loose. If I were an undercover cop, I would have reported Baron, and before too long a lot of cops would be tailing them. Not every bar is linked into the criminal underground, and walking up to the bartender at Rave (A local nightclub) and asking this would get you escorted out. Also if it is connected, and you're asking that loudly, a local entrepreneur might hear you and decide to let you steal whatever so that he can then hijack it from you for his own sales. Even worse, any criminal organizations would be interested, because they would expect their cut. Read We Few by David Weber and John Ringo. In one scene the main characters, who are going to save the Empress by attacking the Palace runs straight into such a confrontation with the local mob.

Their 'cover' would appear to the local police as a small time money laundering operation, which the police would only observe until they gather enough information. But the mob saw a money laundering operation that wasn't paying their cut as they should. This leads to their rescue starting eight to ten hours earlier then they had planned and at the same time needing to hire a hostage rescue team to save one of their members who has been taken as a lever to force them to pay up to the mob.

Third: You leave your ship unprotected so it can be stolen. I know a smuggler would use the top of the line in security systems because most of the systems he would travel to would have hijackers ready and willing to steal his ship. Since you know this, and seem to anticipate that your patron is setting you up, you don't just park the ship and walk away. Not if you want it to be there when you get back.

Fourth: Your villain wasted a lot of time setting the bounty hunter on his target. It's not like Jabba the Hutt or the Empire setting bounty hunters on Han Solo; they are being paid to do part of the Empire's job, to find their target. Your bad guy knows where the target will be and when. It would be easier to hire him before you set Baron up, and have him waiting at the docking bay to catch Baron when he returns to find the ship missing. It looks like I am going to have to write an article on Smugglers and Bounty Hunters now...

Fifth: The local authorities would be very interested in why Baron is being hunted, and would have been glad to help, but not for money. They would have had a known smuggler in hand, who could help them break a smuggling ring.

Fanfiction.net

The Return
Lord Europe

Post TSL: Revan finally returns

The piece starts out well, but then sort of lays there. The end was where it began to make sense.

Technical notes: Coruscant, as you have mentioned, has thousands of ships arriving and leaving, but to have such traffic you would need traffic control. Anything smaller than a transport could break out of those lanes, and while it would be noticed, it would be like someone running a red light; noticed but except for a fine, not worth thinking about. But a ship headed for a specific destination, such as the Jedi temple would have to notify traffic control, and get permission, which means the temple would have been notified. Think of flying into LAX and changing course to land at John Wayne International in Orange County instead. You would have to get permission to leave the landing queue at LAX, then get permission to join the one for JW. If you tried to land without such clearance, you'd have police and the FAA on your butt.

Second, since most of the primary enemies of the Jedi also have Jedi style powers, they would not have head blind security officers on their landing pads. So having him land illegally then use a mind trick to pass him would not have worked. The opening scene used as a teaser for TOR required a ship to be inbound that only had to make one mad dash to attack the temple, a lot easier to do than what you have described.

Coruscant Knights
XionIce

No specific era given: A Jedi team foils an assassination, then find they have more troubles...

The scenes were well written, but there were too many things I could not accept. To start with, you have three Jedi, and the tallest is only 7 inches tall. This is a mini-Jedi. I think you were going to make him perhaps 5'7”, which would have fit better. After all, a Jedi who is only 5” tall (The shortest one) would not cause a woman's heart to flutter, unless it is Thumbelina Organa.

Second, such a meeting would have security, and no unauthorized personnel would be allowed in with weapons. It's true of Congress now, and it would be even more true with what Star Wars would consider as weapons.

Technical note on Jedi: The idea of a Jedi Weapons master might fly in the game, but you don't see a character in the canon that matches this. I commented on the same problem with other such characters when someone used Jedi Sniper and Brute. It reminds me of an episode of the Japanese Anime Series the Slayers where the main character, Lina Inverse sees her sidekick escorting a young girl and she asks, 'What are you? The Barbarian Babysitter?'

On Stealth: While stealth belts are common in the game, they are nowhere in the canon. To conceal a human sized form you would need too much energy. A full suit to make such a field would be more like the Predator, and people would notice a figure that matches the surroundings if he is moving merely in the ripple effect as he passes.

On gravity: Assuming leaping down 23 stories of distance (assuming 2.5 meters per floor as in story) assumes 57.5 meters of distance and a standard Earth gravity of 9.88 meters per second per second, it would have taken him just under four seconds to fall that distance. No Jedi trick is going to violate the laws of physics that blatantly. It would have been more logical to have him hiding in her pod.

The byplay between the brothers, as rare phenomenon in the genre was choice, and worth the read all by itself. I wish I had time to read it all.

Moment
Vikung-Fu

KOTOR After Leviathan: As she goes into captivity, Bastila finally admits her feelings.

A light year is a measure of distance, not time alone, just as a foot-pound is a measurement of both weight and distance.

The piece is a brief interlude before Bastila is tortured into falling to the dark, and it is interesting that she is only willing to admit her feelings at this point.

Pick of the Week

Last Love Song
Vikung-Fu

Post KOTOR: On death watch for Helena Shan, The two ex Jedi consider what they have lost and gained.

Few suggest that Bastila and Revan would leave the order after their adventure. Whether they return or not is not considered, only the moment. The last line is indicative of the mood; that Jedi are just like everyone else at heart is well considered.

Pick of the Week

The Liar
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2910927/1/Republic_Commando
Republic Commando
Sayukiz Fanz

Remember to do a sight edit, you put in think instead of thing for example. Later on you have 'where not when you meant we're not. Also, watch comma placement. "Incoming Spider droid, Sev Blast that thing to hell" Should be "Incoming Spider droid! Sev, Blast that thing to hell" While a lot of grenade are round, describing it as a round thing first would suggest that no one knows what it is until Boss tells them.

The escape made no sense because why would the enemy have left a weapon on a captured prisoner?

The action is fast paced, but too confused to be real. You also have a problem I do, which is writing so fast at times that you forget words, like where you leave out man or merc or whatever when Tarful puts a bear hug on him.

Star Wars Galaxies: Jahdi
Asaji

Star Wars, set during the Rebellion: A sheltered girl gets a serious dose of reality

The piece was good and abrupt. It starts with someone reminiscing about what her father had said, and leaps immediately to a man dying before her eyes and the aftermath. It is far too short to gauge the author's skills normally, but the piece just reaches out and grabs you, ramming your face into what has happened as if saying, 'this is what war is all about'.

Pick of the Week

Regrets
Dranzen

Five years Post KOTOR: In a prison cell, Revan remembers her reconciliation with Carth on Manaan , her twins, and how she left Republic Space; all with no regrets.

Remember to sight edit, especially for words you might have forgotten such as the line 'I couldn't (Hold) any of what had happened before against him'.

The author admits that it is confusing, and it is. But it is almost a stream of conscious thought as she is imprisoned, and has nothing better to do with her time. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

The Masks We Wear
Sandra Evans

Post KOTOR: Beware what hides below the mask, even if it is merely her face...

The piece delves deeply into why Revan (As dark lord) wore a mask, then, when she had been redeemed, why she had created a new flesh mask to hide what she is. The problem is, was Revan redeemed? Or is she merely the dark lord reborn?

kotorfanmedia

The Liar

Bonds of Faith: Darth Revan, Dark Lady of the Sith
HitokiriShadow

Pre KOTOR: Darth Revan considers what has drawn her to this moment.

The writer does some good technical work, yet the theme of it did not appeal to me. The True Sith come across like the Conspiracy theories about the Zionist World Conspiracy, the Masons, or the always pervasive Illuminati; every ill came from them. The main character claims membership, but is refusing to follow orders to the hilt. She has instead fallen in love with what her orders have commanded she destroy.

As I said, good technical work, so it is worth reading.

Beloved
ArchonDemetrus

Before Exar Kun War: Jolee meets the woman he will marry

Remember to sight edit. You used tore when you should have used torn, where when you meant weren't.

Technical note: The Chiss were not contacted until right before the Clone Wars.

The tone of the story was fun. Even though adversarial, the byplay between Jolee and Nayama was cute. Both of them trying to one up each other right down to him carrying her because she refused to go with him.

Pick of the Week

A Smuggler's Story, Part 1, Endar Spire, Chapter 1
Darth Bubbles

Pre KOTOR:A smuggler settles in on the Endar Spire

Technical note: Read my article; Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! Over at Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment Center, in the Resource centre.

The piece was short, but cute. Most of what is happening is merely background so far.

Sidekicks
DarthJuma

Mandalorian Wars on Dxun: Malak had to deal with HK, and does deal with him eventually

The piece was all dialogue, and caused me to crack up several times. As Verna Jast commented, the idea that Malak came up with; that Revan had built HK to get even for him decapitating her doll as a child was fun. My favorite lines were:

"Why am I even talking to you, droid? You aren't a real sentient being. You're a thing. A noun. An object. I might as well be talking to that tree, or those coconuts. Hey coconuts, are we going to show those mandos or what?"

"Statement: Your logic is faulty, pet of the master. I am a protocol droid with exceptional communication skills, designed to resolve conflict between sentient parties. If you speak to me I can draw on over two thousand topics of conversation in major galactic languages. Whereas: If you talked to coconuts, you would be crazy."

Then:

"Mockery: Oh master, the Jedi council will throw us out for sure, but rip off your evil cape and be my Onderon beast rider! Grrr rarr!"

"--and that sounds nothing like me."

Followed after sound effects by; "In any karking case.. I'd make her leave the damn cape on."


Pick of the Week

Eyes of the Shadow
Yagr

Pre KOTOR on Taris: A mysterious stranger delivers wounded Republic troops to the clinic.

The piece grabs you and takes you along as the arrival of the escape pods also heralds injured troops. The mysterious stranger never says who he is. Like the Good Samaritan, he delivers them and departs with a cryptic comment.

Stricken
RogueLadySabyne

KOTOR after Leviathan: The Carth deals with Malak's revelation in a different manner.

The piece is an alternate reality version of what could have easily happened. My own take on Carth after this was a killing rage, but still trying to justify it to the rest of the crew. This one has him not caring what anyone will say.

But you're left hanging. Will he pull the triggers?


Moving Out
Ravenrand16

18 years post KOTOR: Revan considers all the memories a father has of his child

The piece is upbeat and poignant, a daughter leaving home, and her father dealing with it as you would expect, by falling apart.

Pick of the Week

Unwanted Fall
Jaina Solo

KOTOR No specific period mentioned: Within her mind, Bastila fights to survive

An excellent take on Bastila's mind. Helping or controlling how Revan's mind is saved must have affected her as well, and we get to see it here.

Pick of the Week

Coming Out of the Dark, Chapter 1 Trask has a Crush
SilverSentinel21

Pre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: In the calm before the storm, everyone goes about their business.

The piece flows very well, the characters fleshed out to a T, and polished smooth. The unintentional interplay between the characters makes it a refreshing read; Trask leering at her, and her unwillingness to admit her empathy, Carth realizing that this unknown girl is secretly watching him, and the Jedi secretly watching her, even her willingness to break the regulations to finish her repair job and her anger at hoping to meet a Jedi, then finding the one she spoke with was short with her.

The characters came alive, which is what a good writer is supposed to do.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-25-2011, 03:19 PM   #1232
machievelli
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For all those interested, and those of you I have begged for assistance, I tried something incredibly simple, and am back up again.

All right, everyone say together;

Mach is a flake, Mach is a yo yo. If his brains were dynamite, he wouldn't be able to blow his own nose


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 12-27-2011, 07:22 PM   #1233
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How about I say something else? Something like, "Good to have you back, Mach!"


Mom tells me I need brain food... but if writing ain't that, I don't know what is!

My work in progress:
Hidden Histories: The Galaxy Hacker

Have a read, give a review, yah?
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:07 AM   #1234
machievelli
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

Knowing Moynal

KOTOR: KOTOR meets Groundhog's Day

The piece for any who have started, then began again after their character died fits what would happen if you had gone from the Endar Spire until you die on the Star Forge, then start again. The author makes changes, refusing to train as a Jedi, refusing to give Bastila information on Tatooine, then the carnage on both Kashyyk and Manaan. All because the character wants the love of Bastila.

The story, laying it out as you have reminds me of the movie Groundhog's day where Bill Murray goes through the same day over an over until he finds that one perfect day.

Very Well done for a first attempt.

Welcome to the forum

Pick of the Week

Across the Galaxy: Chapter 1 and 2 (Edited Version)
McClure777

Remember to sight edit. I think you meant yield rather than wield. It is each other's love. It's pursuing, not persuing.

When you wrote 'You never had a girl in mind when at home Kyle?" Kyle chuckled, "Why?" He then laughed, "Might as well just find a woman I’ll hate in five months and give her half my money.' you forgot a conversation break at 'Kyle chuckled,' because the previous conversation was William speaking to Kyle.

Technical note, in an airplane, and by extension a snub fighter, you push forward on the throttle to accelerate. The stick controls maneuvering.

Please go back and read the reviews I did previously. Remember that a guerrilla force such as the Rebellion does not have time to send you to an Academy. Look at the first Star Wars Movie. Luke went from being some kid from a backwater planet to a fighter pilot in only a few days, because you do not have that kind of time.

I thank you for understanding what I have been saying. The work is ten times as effective as it was before.

While I cannot grade all of it so, for the space battle, I say, very well done.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Facade and substance
BobGens0001

Post KOTOR: Bastila and her 'padawan' have an important mission to carry out

The piece is fun in a skewed way. Mission equating this new planet to what she is used to in a negative manner, the explanation of why 'pet gizka' is a derogatory term, and the banter between Bastila and her love all counterpoint fun things ahead. I wish I had time to read the three follow on chapters!

Pick of the Week

Restoration
Dinah Lance

Post KOTOR: Bastila's assignment to Telos is more of a rest cure

The piece flows very well. Carth is harried by his duties, worried about Czerka involvement, about the woman he cared about coming across as indifferent, then having Vandar dump her rehabilitation in his lap. A roller coaster ride.

Scenes from Telos
DarthJuma

Post KOTOR: An old friend commands Telos station at the moment, and he's watching a new arrival...

As other commented, this explains why Mical contacts Carth of all people when he meets the Exile. Having Him claim the name of Matale was choice, since I couldn't see Shen as a medic.

The descriptions of the traffic, people going from here to there usually with one hand out to grab what they can, fits every bus station and airport I have ever been in.

Sidelines SkyePrism

KOTOR On Taris: Carth watches as Tatiana fights in the arena

Technical note: The problem I have with the game is that things like healing are done with medpacs. You see I am an old gamer who cut my teeth on Dungeons and Dragons, and all a medpac in the game is in reality is a healing potion spell or scroll; I.E. magic. But using them that way in a story detracts from the flow, and give it an artificial feel.

Beyond that the scenes flowed well, and the drunk commenting on the reactions of Carth before the fight, then to Tatiana after it was choice. Carth's reactions were of the 'lady does protest too much, methinks' variety.

Reunion
Revan Wannabe

Post KOTOR: As everyone else's lives seem to have settled down, Bastila has to deal with finding her sister.

Inserting another acrimonious relationship; this one between Bastila and her sister is merely icing on a heavily frosted cake. I'd like to see where it goes from here when a Jedi has to track down a bounty hunter. Talk about role reversal.

kotorfanmedia
PhoenixNovelist

Pre KOTOR: The main character has a slightly skewed view of reality...

The author creates a unique viewpoint. The main character is bound for the Endar Spire, but when she sees Bastila remembers Revan as her brother. Yet we, the outside observers know better don't we?

A Single Star
Ghando

Pre KOTOR:

Remember to sight edit. You used strait (Narrow) instead of straight several times, there instead of their, and noded instead of nodded.

As others said, an interesting subject for a story. Rukil, the boy once of the surface, long before he became the one holding the legends of their deliverance when Revan arrives.

Legacy Verna Jast

Mandalorian Wars: Revan and many of the female Generals discuss the situation with a delicious twist

The author's disclaimer; including that the Exile was NOT of this number threw me, then when I read it, it reminded me of my own Irreverent thoughts over at Lucasforums in the Coruscant Entertainment Center, specifically posting #6 Where Anakin is showing his 'love' of the people.

I ended in my mind with one thought; were all those memories of a child just one mother or more?

Silence Is Copper-toned
Rose07

Originally reviewed 23 Dec 2007. That review is below

listed as following ‘Future’s End” ”Slow Dissolve” and ”Lost and Found” by the same author, though it was posted before the last listed. With Katrina (Revan) going somewhere, her daughter by Carth Onasi reprograms HK47 with humorous results.

She’s done it again! I have yet to read anything of Rose’s that I have not liked. I just wish I was as prolific.

Reprise Pick of the Week

For Her Own Good
Prisoner24601

Pre Mandalorian wars: Maybe this is why they said Anakin was too old...

When I saw the title, my first thought was of the song from Man of La Mancha 'I am only thinking of him', where everyone is thinking of destroying Don Quixtoe's dreams by replacing them with reality. And it did not disappoint.

Like a lot of the author's works, this is head and shoulders above the competition. The ten year old Revan's grandfather trying to make this a business proposition, right down to trying to bribe the Jedi council. Her reaction, shredding his art collection even to his 'why did you think that' reaction when she says 'it's all because of what I have cost you', and his final 'she'll come back and take over' thought is both wonderful and appalling in it's manipulative tone. Well worth the read.

In fact, the posting reminded me of another song from that same score, 'The Impossible Dream' which is what I see as Revan's attempt, both in falling and redemption to achieve the perfect world. It brought me to tears as I watched the youtube renditions, both by Peter O'Toole and Placido Domingo.

Pick of the Week

Abandonment
Verna Jast

Pre KOTOR to the Endar Spire: The evolution of one of the enemies

The piece has an interesting Premise, that Darth Bandon was related to Dustil's love in the Academy. It flowed very well, the reason for the Sith landing and capture of locals well suggested. Having him be Selene's brother was just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week

Activation Blaine Averre

Pre KOTOR: The first few hours of HK's 'life'

The piece flowed well, and HK is as much riot here as he is in the games. His comments about a father with children (That he should get life insurance) and an old nonthreatening granny {He'd bet on how many times she bounced if thrown down the stairs) is topped by the term we all know so well, created by of all 'people' HK himself.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

The Shadow of the Hunt
Jellianna Darquefyre

During the Rebellion against the Empire: A bounty hunter collects his bounty, and another assignment

As a reader I thoroughly enjoyed both the courier's reaction to Ienna and the 'distraction' of the pair on stage, but then I was confused by what film would call a 'fast cut' to Coruscant, then to the Emperor's entry with no notice. Such rapid changes in location should be avoided without notification, since the reader will have problems making the jump.

Technical Note. The term staccato assumes more than one note, so a single shot cannot be staccato.

The piece except for the flow mentioned before the technical notes is very well done. Each segment, if broken to allow the reader to follow would have been excellent.

Pick of the Week

Men Don't Cry
Sandra Evans

Five plus years post KOTOR:

Remember to sight edit. You used the wrong words several times. I will not point out where, because it will be more fun to see how long it takes for you to find them.

The piece is fun because you have two versions of Carth. You have the man who holds things together back in the Republic, then the man who lays in his bed, and has a dream of his love, who cries because she cannot be with him. Beyond the complaints about sight editing, it was wonderful!

Pick of the Week

Reflections
Sandra Evans

Six year post KOTOR: Revan remembers the past

Remember to sight edit, and here I will give a clue: you have artifacts 'from' Juhani instead of for. The artifacts on her shelf suggests that others gave them to her, not the other way around.

It's taut (Tight) rather than taught (Learned)

The piece flowed but not as smoothly as it could. Her memories of what it was with overlays of what would be six years later when the Exile's crew had taken the ship, and Canderous, the unchanged element that infuses both. Well worth reading.

Pick of the Week

In The Twilight Kingdom
Louiseifer

Post KOTOR: After Revan leave to go to the unknown regions, Carth wonders what will happen next

The piece is deep introspection to a T. The author has a lot to say about what war is and does to those who are part of it. The problem is, like a lot of the peace movement, the author acts as if every part of war taints the soul just because you survive it. The character, however seems to accept this, and merely hopes that when Revan returns, there will be something left to hold on to.

kotorfanmedia
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2913844/1/Lunatic_Fringe
Lunatic Fringe
Cadillac Cowboy

Pre TSL: Drinking to forget doesn't always help.

The dream segues in so smoothly that you're not sure if the dream starts with the pazaak game or when she was drinking.

Power Of Love
JediSerenity82

Post TSL: Revan returns from the Unknown Region, unsure of what to expect

Technical note: comatose is the state of being in a coma, not the coma itself.

The piece has all the angst you might expect from returning after a long separation, with the added interplay with Atton being obtuse, and the Exile grinding her heel on his foot for his thoughtless comments. Carth dropping everything he has to do to spend time with her is touching.

Heart of Darkness
Louiseifer

Pre Mandalorian War: Revan and the Exile hunt an animal on Deralia.

The piece is confusing, making you wonder what is happening. The Jedi chase an enemy able to hide from them, and showing up when it wills, to only die far too easily.

Return of the Exile
SolidSnake19

Post TSL: As Bilbo Baggins said, won't the adventure ever end?

You are not de ranked, you are demoted. A nice touch having Vrook demoted because of his treatment of the Exile. Question, how did the Masters survive? Having the masters ignore the 'there is no emotion' so blatantly was a bit hard to accept.

Remember to sight edit; you used sacred(blessed) instead of scared (Frightened) I say this because you can use the wrong word, and if it is in your spell checker, the system will ignore it, such as when you used were instead of we're when Atton said 'we're in'. The more in 'Cause I'm more smarter.' is redundant. extended there should be their.

Technical note; comparing their length when activated, a force pike would be more dangerous in close quarters (As in to each other) than light sabers would be. If it were a real battle, it would be better to have the lightsaber because it is easier to maneuver in close quarters.

The piece is a nice slice of life following the game. My favorite part was the reaction of Atton when he loses his bet with Visas over the Exile's reaction to her being pregnant. The biggest problem is that you are dragging it out too far, having us go from arriving to 16 months later. This would have been better breaking it into a second chapter after Visas admits she is pregnant.

A Funny Thing Happened to Me
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: A dead man switch?

The piece flowed well, except for jumping back to the start once. The idea of setting up a dead man switch, that Revan had set up so that he would die, and destroy Malak's victory when he did was choice.

However turning Malak Revan and Bastila into the three wise men was a bit much.

The Chance of a Lifetime
Bald As Malak

TSL on Malachor V: The confrontation bewteen Atton and Mikal for the love of the Exile

The piece flowed well, the fight scene very well done.

However the end, one dead, the other now dying because Sion is on the scene fell flat for me. Couldn't the Exile have said something before he died?

Sweet Dreams
Ella Nutella

KOTOR before Leviathan: Revan has an odd dream, and it goes down hill from there

The piece was confusing starting with a dream of Brad Pitt and her attempts to get back to the dream is most of what is happening. By the end she has pretty much alienated every one in search of Brad Pitt.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-08-2012, 02:43 AM   #1235
machievelli
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Last week I accidentally labeled The Quest For Absolution by PhoenixNovelist as Kotorfanmedia due to an improperly coded URL. However if anyone clicked the link, it went to the right place

The Coruscant Entertainment Center

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Absence of Lies

MSFicWriter

Sequel to CONFESSIANS OF A JEDI CONSULAR: The Sith guarding our hero explains what will happen, and this disturbs her more than captivity

The author is building on a foundation of good work, and doing it well. It could use a bit of polishing, but I would say that about anything I have ever read. The ending was intriguing, like Harcourt Fenton Mudd wiping out the android simply by saying 'I am lying'; do the Sith only lie?

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Through the Looking Glass
PhoenixAsending

TSL Parody: The Exile runs head on into Wonderland... Who will win?

Having enjoyed both fictions in my time, I enjoy how the author blended them. Having Visas as the dormouse freaking at the 'C' word, though the jam on her nose was never adequately explained. Having her kiss the Cheshire Cat (Atton) a number of places but never the lips until it is him again was very fun. Very good work.

Pick of the Week

Entanglement
Louiseifer

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Bao Dur and the Exile remember the steps that led from the war to Malachor V.

The piece is very introspective from both points of view. Each forged in the fires of war, and made them inseparable.

Hoth: Our Time In Hell
AzureBlu

Most likely before TESB: A soldier assigned to Hoth enumerates the frozen hell he inhabits.

Yeti is an earth term; though though if someone wants to use it as the name of a creature, I won't complain.

The piece is a vision of a slice of living frozen hell. The character wishes for whatever peace he can gain yet you can see it is merely surviving that is the victory.

Tales of KOTOR: Chapelle meets KOTOR
Dante-Revan

KOTOR Parody: David Chapelle is inserted into KOTOR with surprising results

The parody is cute, but my problem is Chapelle leaves me cold. Interjecting his humor into the situation does not interest me in the least.

Assassin
Darth Garak

No specific period given: HK carries out one last mission

Technical note: The sniper term is 'Good shot picture'. Not 'good aim'.

The piece is fast paced with a killer trying to eliminate four targets separated by distance. The primary thing bothering me is why HK is suddenly working for a Hutt crime lord.

A Silent Wish
Vanish1318

Pre Mandalorian war: A young Jedi has her own unasked wish fulfilled

The piece is a nice slice of life view of who I would assume will grow into the Exile. Seeing her as a girl who never thinks she will be good enough is a refreshing change. The only negative story wise is what I considered a circular argument regarding why Jedi students train to fight; They train to fight so that when they become Jedi, they can. However most martial arts instructors say that the training is not to fight, but to avoid the confrontation. Except for those that learned their skills in military training, most of the teachers I have met are calm people who could break you in half without breaking a sweat, yet see no reason to hurt you unless you force them. This is because they stress the discipline and control over the body count.

kotorfanmedia

Anniversary
Jiara

Mandalorian Wars: Carth gets that certain jacket, after forgetting his anniversary

The piece flowed very well and we get to see not only Carth's reaction to the jacket, but every one else who see it too. You get the feeling of the love he had for his wife during the call.

Technical notes: While rules are relaxed during off time, having an airman (low rank) attempting to strike an officer would not be allowed. Also even during off duty time, no airman would speak so disrespectfully to a superior officer as happened in the com queue.

Having the officer delivering the mail demand that Carth open it in front of everyone was well done, right down to quoting the specific regulation. At first I thought Morgana had sent the jacket merely as a distraction until she seemed so enthused about it.

Life Wish
Allronix

Pre KOTOR: Mical finds his true calling

The piece is well done, but I would suggest studying manuals on emergency procedures. The first step is triage; where you separate out the ones likely to die, and set them aside. You do not do triage later when you have a survivor who has a sudden remission.

The process sounds heartless, but if you have three people, one likely to die in minutes, another able to wait, and one who needs serious work, but can recover, you have the lesser injured wait, and set aside the one who will die unless you can save him in the minutes he has left. Remember that every second you spend working on a lost cause could have been spent working on someone likely to survive.

Your depiction of Jedi creating a medical means to stunt the growth of a child's ability to access the Force seems more heartless than anything I said above. 'A master doesn't want to train you, so we're going to rip the Force away' doesn't sound like a Jedi attitude. To my mind the ones who had too small a count of Midi-chlorians would get this; too many to be normal, but too low to make a Jedi.

Serpent Sublime
Ethereal

Pre Mandalorian wars: Was it seduction or simple unwillingness to resist?

The piece is deep introspection, Malak looking back, and seeing his initial fall, but you come away still unsure as to why he fell.

Telos
Plutospawn

Pre Mandalorian Wars: The family of young Carth Onasi has to get used to Telos instead of Corellia.

An interesting look at the life of a young Carth Onasi, far separated from the wars that follow. Here it's just a young boy upset by moving. As someone who joking says if you can name a states west of the Mississippi I have not lived in (With the exceptions of Ohio, Alaska and Hawaii) I'll eat it without salt, I understand his irritation that home is not where you were, but where you are now.

Life and Times According to Griff P. Vao
Plutospawn

Pre KOTOR: If only rationalization explained everything

The piece is an interesting look at life when Mission was a young child being sort of protected by Griff. It makes you wonder what might have happened if Griff had turned out as a good guy.

The Jedi Civil War - Part 1, Chapter 1
JCarter426

KOTOR On The Endar Spire: The adventure begins, with a twist

The piece is too short to get a good read on the author's style. But long enough to say, more!


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-15-2012, 12:21 AM   #1236
machievelli
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars: Dark Galaxy
Christos200

Six years after Return of the Sith: A new threat arises

The basics are good, but ease up on the exclamation points and question marks. To paraphrase Terry Pratchett in one of his DiscWorld books, using more than one of either suggests problems. In Point of Impact by Stephen Hunter, a letter written purportedly by Bob Lee Swagger, the main character was marked as a potential threat by the Secret Service because he used three exclamation points in it.

but here's where I put on my technical hat...

Technical notes: Question, why have Jedi supposedly joined your 'Blue Army'? It suggests perhaps their cause might be just, yet you end the chapter with the Jedi Council sending a 'hit Jedi' to assist.

While 5 million troops for the bad guys sounds like a lot, on even a planetary scale, it's a drop in the bucket. The number drops into the mass of the population of even a single planet almost unnoticed. In fact it is within a few thousand of the actual police organizations of our planet as she spins right now, and are policing almost eight billion.

As an example with combat troops; the Nation of North Korea today alone can field almost 11 million troops, and if you took the combined number of men under arms, reserves and emergency reactivation troops our own planet could field three quarter billion troops. compared to that a measly five million is chump change.

I can understand your military commander's attitude. In my own Republic Dawn I made comments that 'no organized discipline military force is outnumbered by a mob', and that 'firepower can overcome even a massed charge'. Having this 'horrendous' army attacking even a modern (Circa 2011) army with wooden swords would result in massive casualties for the attackers, and almost none for the defenders.

To get an idea of what would happen against a force armed with even semi advanced weapons, read On Basilisk Station by David Weber where a force of less than 2,000 well equipped soldiers (Mainly militia men, only about 500 odd were actual professional troops) with air support faced and defeated 40,000 primitive tribesman armed with antique rifles in what I estimate was less than half an hour.

The mutiny of what sounds like one division of troops was ill-timed, and would be a reason to be worried, but not for the amount of panic shown. A division (10-17,000 men) would be rolled over easily by because you only need to detach about 60 to 80,000 troops to do so.

I am not saying they would anticipate it, rather that military commanders capable of commanding what amounts to an Army group know the first law of war is Murphy's Law.

Nice to have you back.

http://www.lucasforums.com/showthrea...rall: Unworthy
MsFicWriter

Set in TOR: Continuation of the Author's work

The sentence 'What did I do to deserve this, or you?' is cumbersome, as if the character is asking what she did to deserve her companion. Would be better as 'What did either of us do to deserve this?'

A 'space station' is an orbital platform. The correct term is space port.

The scene reminded me of the Selection process upon entering a Nazi concentration camp, carried out by a true sadist. Some of those consigned to death seemed to suffer it merely because the Sith in charge was having fun. In fact, I am surprised anyone survived it at all. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Trust
Charmel

Pre KOTOR on Telos: Carth meets the recently arrived neighbors

The piece came off a bit contrived. Dustil throwing a tantrum because of the weather, Morgana coming across as lackluster. More effort was spent on the neighbors than on any other character in the story. A nice but generic read.

Duel
JoySweeper

KOTOR on Taris: Our hero faces Starkiller

Technical note; the parts of a blade are the point (First eighth of the blade) the foible (From the point to the last quarter) which is called the Forte. The description wasn't clear, though if she knows how to use a blade, she would block with the forte is at all possible.

The fight scene flows well but felt drawn out. The constant 'he's better, I'm gonna die' became bothersome after a while, but the sudden zen-like diving into the Force made up for it.

Minor Malfunction
Dinah Lance

KOTOR on Korriban: And you thought the organic characters had problems...

This piece snuck up, sandbagged me, then ran off deliriously. Mixing the two characters, having them react to their new forms (Especially HK trapped in the T3 chassis trying to at least break skin) was a riot. Jolee merely accepting it and going with the flow was pure character.

Pick of the Week

Truth
Jaina Solo

KOTOR: Master Uthar and Yuthura face a unique predicament

It's forward (Advance) rather than foreword (Beginning comment).

The piece is well written, the scenes clearly defined and vivid the ending surprising.

Pick of the Week

Value of Beasts
Nivenus

Pre KOTOR: Two Wookiee we know very well from the games are captured.

The piece flows very well, the two main characters clearly defined and portrayed. In fact the only negative I saw was that Hanharr thought the only way to save his people was to massacre them himself.

As much as I was disturbed by Hanharr's Caedite Eos mentality, I enjoyed Zaalbar's attempts to minimize the older Wook's depredations.

As others pointed out, a lot of the story was background that would not be important to the story itself, though I enjoyed the argument about what is sentient behavior. It reminded me of the argument in H. Beam Piper's Little Fuzzy when they are trying to rationalize a primitive burial as instinctive animal behavior because Piper's 'proof of sentience' boils down to they have to have a language and know how to build a fire.

Manaan Part 1
Tankgirly

KOTOR on Manaan:

Remember to sight edit. You used the wrong word a few times, and as I know from experience, if the word is in the dictionary of your program, it will ignore that the sentence now makes little or no sense. Such as fast asleep when you meant fall asleep, or crammed when you meant cramped.

The piece is well done all told, Skye's wishing the dreams would stop linked into her own desire to have them was well explained. The secretive glances she and Carth are sharing is kind of cute.

Pick of the week

Fanfiction.net

When things come full circle
Sandra Evans

Reviewed 23 May2006 over at Coruscant Entertainment Center under Author Aminta Jae. That review is below:

After KOTOR: Carth dreams of the woman he loves, and she dreams of him.

The story is well done. You have the angst of being apart and why. The fear that perhaps what they had is no more, and the yearning to touch. Nothing wrong that a little polishing won’t cure.

Over at Kotorfanmedia this got 12 thumbs up.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Nothing
Zerbinetta

Pre KOTOR on Malachor V: The birth of Darth Nihilus

The piece is wild and chaotic as a battle would be. The feeling is of chaos personified, as Nihilus is. Very Well done.

Pick of the Week

Of War
VampirePenguin

Mandalorian War: Revan looks at the shambles he has become, but as the old saying goes, the ends justify the means.

The piece is well done because you can witness his dissolution as it occurs. The reasoning for the mask fits the one I used (Though the author's Revan is male) that anyone who sees him would discount him merely because of age.

Of Faith
VampirePenguin

Companion piece for Of War: Malk's view of what is happening to his friend

The piece is interesting because you can seem the dissolution mentioned before with his friend wishing they could just postpone the war for even a week to save his friend

The Life and Times of Bill and Fred
Mister Frodo

Set during Star Wars Battlefronts II: Two witless stormtroopers wander through a basic game.

The piece started simply with a pair that you wouldn't trust to watch your car, and went down hill, from there. From arguing about what color means what, to kiling someone defined as Neutral, then discovering that they whacked the Emperor a movie early, and commiting suicide to get away from their boss, it rolls on inexorably, yet makes you follow along.

Pick of the Week

Starting point
Clarlie

TSL on Korriban: Atton's own trip through Ludo Kressh's tomb

The piece is an interesting departure. In the game we only see the Exile's journey, but here we have Atton following, and his own view of what happens. The end, his choice, is the blue crystal he wakes with.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-15-2012, 05:09 AM   #1237
christos200
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Quote:
Technical notes: Question, why have Jedi supposedly joined your 'Blue Army'? It suggests perhaps their cause might be just, yet you end the chapter with the Jedi Council sending a 'hit Jedi' to assist.
Not all Jedi have gone with the << blue army >>. Half of them have gone and the other half stay with the republic.

The entire galaxy is divided because there are 2 opinions:

1) Some poor men fight against the rich corrupt politicians, in order to get their freedom.

2) Some peasants did a revolution and they now want to kill, rape, steal and destroy democracy.

So here there is no Just cause. There are just different opinions..

Also in the next update the << blue army >> will be destroyed. That << blue army >> story was just the prologue for the real story.

Also thank you for the feedback.

EDIT: The jedi who have joined the << blue army >> are rebels against the authority of the jedi council, so the jedi council wants to eliminate them.

EDIT2:

Quote:
The mutiny of what sounds like one division of troops was ill-timed, and would be a reason to be worried, but not for the amount of panic shown. A division (10-17,000 men) would be rolled over easily by because you only need to detach about 60 to 80,000 troops to do so.
You are right. But they were panicked because this division cut them from their supplies, and even a very good trained army without supplies and firepower can be easily destroyed by 2,000,000 men with wooden swords.

Last edited by christos200; 01-15-2012 at 05:28 AM.
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Old 01-18-2012, 12:32 AM   #1238
machievelli
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So many things you don't understand...

All right everyone Military and Political History 102 is in session. If history bores you but you expect to write well here, sit down anyway. Starting from the top...

Not all Jedi have gone with the << blue army >>. Half of them have gone and the other half stay with the republic. (Later) So here there is no Just cause. There are just different opinions..

Reply; when you boil down the initial Jedi/Sith schism, what you have is one group trying to keep the pins in when it comes to society, and another trying to reinvent it in their own image. Considering the worlds you have seen in Star Wars, and the political entities described in the movies games and EU, this war your describe would be an ongoing thing pretty much constantly. Whatever society you are a part of, there are those who see it as weak will always try to tear it down. As for 'just cause' except for the Mandalorian Wars when has there been such split amongst the Jedi about what is right and wrong?

In my own KOTOR excerpts (Which has the entire work) I pointed out that the reason the Jedi went to war against that authority was that their teachers had pressed over and over that the Jedi's first duty was to protect the Republic. Yet when the war started they were too busy paying attention to what might happen if they intervened; something not admitted until the Exile is told this in TSL.

Reply to Later: The problem with politics is everything is colored by opinion. The modern US government is a perfect example; two main political parties who differ across the board fighting over who will run the country for the last 150 odd years. The last decent president we had was Theodore Roosevelt, and if I wanted to go back before the modern era the next good one was Lincoln.

The entire galaxy is divided because there are 2 opinions:

1) Some poor men fight against the rich corrupt politicians, in order to get their freedom.

2) Some peasants did a revolution and they now want to kill, rape, steal and destroy democracy.

Reply: That is a definition of revolution, and revolutions are always messy. In them you always end up with that small percentage that just enjoys the destruction.

First, let us clarify; when you use the word peasant, I picture the serfs under Feudal Europe, people who have no rights under their society who rebel because they have no hope. There is no modern equivalent unless you consider the lower echelon workers who don't need an education to do their jobs. Lower level flunkies in other words. Such is rare in modern American society, since a minimum of education is needed in any job, and to get a better job, only a better degree of education is needed. After all, there are only so many jobs on that level. But without an education they can not expand into the upper portions of their society. So whether it is five hundred or five billion, they are a local problem.

Using your measure Luke Skywalker is not[ a peasant whereas using my meter he is.

EDIT: The jedi who have joined the << blue army >> are rebels against the authority of the jedi council, so the jedi council wants to eliminate them.

Reply: Understood. But having them split down the middle is unlikely. From what I have seen of the governments portrayed the Jedi would have been split from the start of the Republic then again almost every time a new planet joins it. The laws against slavery alongside a legal ban on them is just the first possible point where the Jedi might have split.

PREVIOUS PEASANT/SLAVE REVOLTS

Historically there are only three to use; The third Servile war, led by Spartacus, the French Revolution, specifically the storming of Versailles, and finally the 1917 October Revolution.

Even at the height of his fame, Spartacus never had much more that 70,000 under his banner.

When the peasant women of Paris marched on Versailles their own history states 'thousands' made that march, not millions, though throughout the Kingdom I am willing to bet perhaps 5 million plus were also rioting. After all the population of Paris circa 1793 was just under 2 million.

Now the real kicker; when the October Revolution broke out in 1917, according to their own history the entire city of Moscow rose in revolt against the Tzar. Yet even then the city of Moscow was a lot smaller than five million. Again Nationwide there were perhaps 5+ million that did so.

So, no one had gathered a 'peasant' army of 5 million so far. The numbers and the weapons bothered me, and here is why:

Revolutions, and schisms such as you portray would not happen to this depth or be unnoticed before they explode. Even in a planetary disagreement there are all sorts of warning signs. The Bolsheviks for example did not just rise from the ground like the teeth of the Hydra in the myth of Jason and the Argonauts; there was several decades of low level problems within Russian society pretty much as you described before the October Revolution. As much as the old Communist party wanted to claim all of the right for their side and that the 'people' had joined the class struggle they were merely members of a coalition when that occurred. It took six months of backbiting between the various factions before the Communists seized power in May of 1918. On the galactic level it would be even more noticeable.

France had also suffered decades of misrule before the Revolution. And they didn't call the rebellion by Spartacus the 3rd Servile rebellion for nothing. It was merely the one with some training in combat that the others did not have which meant a better chance at success.

Now, the political section is done, going on to merely military matters

GATHERING THE NUMBERS

If you took every Indian west of the Mississippi in 1976, an estimate of perhaps 12 million would be accurate. However you have to remember that in most primitive societies a third, in this case, about 4 million are children not considered adult, or the aged. Of the remainder half (Another 4 million) are women, and only the last portion, another 4 million are men (Or boys between 13 and 18, warriors in their own society) able to fight. Let us use these people as an example.

Before you now point at at least a portion of your numbers, a lot of those tribes (Nez Perce, Cherokee, Zuni, Navaho, Morongo, Modoc, Chinook and Hopi were peaceful unless pushed to belligerence. There are more than enough tribes from Yaqui to Apache to Comanche to Sioux to Cheyenne to Arapahoe to make up for the others.

So let us accept that the belligerent tribes equal the 5 million you postulate. And this occurs:

After the battle of the Little Big Horn (September 1976) all of them react to a divine revelation given to Sitting Bull (No joke;almost a year before the battle, Sitting Bull had a vision that many soldiers would attack them and die, a perfect prelude to the battle, right?) And in this case all of those tribes are asked to send their warriors to destroy Kansas City Missouri, the Gateway to the West.

Fine in the Old West where someone has to spot the approaching units and get that information to a telegraph. Small parties can still slip through even modern sensor technology to raid, but these are scattered over 5 million square kilometers, and it would take the better part of a month for all of them to reach their target, even if we put every man on a horse. There is no way that they could assemble without being noticed.

Now shift to modern day, and see this problem:

WEAPONS DISPARITY

Your men are armed with wooden swords, you enemy is armed with everything the modern world has to offer in the way of destruction and detection. Instead of telegraph, which is a point to point communications system easily to disable as you pass through, you have radio and even satellite radio that can reach hundreds of kilometers to report your progress. They have vehicles faster than your horses even over rough terrain which means a military unit can find your columns and scout them in relative safety whether it's by satellite, drone aircraft, helicopter or just men in Hummvees. Even if you give them vehicles on par with the army the enemy still has those recon drones and helicopters to set down teams, or merely use their Longbow variant helicopters to use laser target designators to pick and choose targets for everything from JDAM to smart bombs to Maverick missiles. The drones themselves have this capability as well.

Here at first they would not be using any 'army' weapons because they really don't need them yet. Two aircraft carriers is all they need, because one in the Pacific off Los Angeles, the other off the Gulf Coast near Mobile Alabama can strike that far inland and bomb you into scrap without even being scratched. Even without the carriers, the Air Force could do the same, and because their bases are closer, make even more strikes with more aircraft. One element of B52s (two) with the same tonnage of bombs as a wing of B17s(72) could devastate your separate force in one strike or the entire force if they waited until they formed up. One squadron of Warthogs with almost twice the payload of those two aircraft could do the same without needing such a huge target. Also, these resources are far enough away from the battle area that your cutting the local supply lines will not affect them.

If they waited until your men are within reach of just the 'army' (200 kilometers) you would have helicopters and shorter ranged strike aircraft pounding them; with artillery joining in when you reach 20 kilometers, and long range rifle and machine gun fire when they reach 2 kilometers. This is even before your defensive infantry force has to fire a shot.

And the enemy you face isn't armed with our piddling display of force. They have a technology about two centuries in advance of our own.

So just forming them all together would be impossible.

LOGISTICS: TRANSPORT

Without transport (In the case of your blue army one hell of a lot of it) it remains a local problem on the continental let alone planetary scale, even though you claim they have taken over several planets. If a 5 million man army armed with swords was ravaging the Chinese country side we here in the US would not be alarmed; after all, that country has a four hundred million plus man army with much more modern weapons to boot.

It took almost three years for the Allies to build up enough manpower and supplies (Stated in The Longest Day as 6,000 transports alone) to support the Normandy Invasion and not only a fleet of transports but another just of warships to protect it when they landed the first 170,000 troops. That was across less than 100 kiulometers of sea, not several light years.

Yet such a massive fleet (You would have to quadruple it to move even part of a million men; figure 100,000 transports of the size used in TESB for the full load) requires things a peasant army would not have; trained pilots, trained naval personnel for both transports and warships, and all of the supporting personnel. Your army would be in the position some primitives faced during the Age of Exploration; seizing a sailing vessel of that time, and being unable to make it work.

Oh, I'll admit that terrorizing enough of the people that aren't on your side could get it started, but one signal to the system you intend to invade would prepare them for your attack. Of course such a buildup would be noticed by any neighbors unless they are blind drunk.

Let's use this example; your supposed peasant revolt starts on Taris before the KOTOR game. The first thing the government there is going to do is send ships to all the neighbor planets to let them know it's happening. Except for that, nothing else is done except trying to quell the rebellion on that local level. Most of the governments contacted do nothing, but shipping companies will start refusing shipments there. Then the ones that are still supplying goods will notice that their ships aren't going on to their next destination. The shippers send another ship, this time just to find out what happened to the first ship, but these don't come back either. By this time it appears the revolt is over, and you just have a new government in charge, but that doesn't explain where your ships went. All told less than two months have passed. So they send another ship to speak to the new regime, and it doesn't come back.

At this point, the shippers contact the neighboring planets and competing shippers located there to find that suddenly Taris has become a black hole or like a roach motel. Ships go in, but they don't go out. At this point you have only captured a handful of ships, perhaps a couple of dozen. Assuming the best of luck you have perhaps a hundred ships all told.

Considering how businesses would have to operate in the wilder regions of space, some of them would have to have warships of their own; even armed merchantmen, including ships designed for scouting in hostile regions. Any armed merchantmen would have come in expecting trouble, so it is unlikely you captured many of them. If you expect trouble you cannot be boarded in a surprise ambush. The gun mounted on the Millennium Falcon that we didn't see until TESB was an anti-boarding device, just like the similar gun on the Ebon Hawk.

Some of the companies begin sending in scouts. These report that a few ships are still going in, but once they land are not being allowed to leave. The companies now contact any known or supposed smugglers, including criminal organizations. While not admitting that they are illegal, these have also been losing ships, and would have become alarmed enough to share that information, for a price. At this point the companies contact the Republic itself. Someone on Taris is seizing your vessels, but not even replying as to why because any ship you send in to contact them never leaves.

If you look at it's structure, the Republic in Star Wars is best described as what the United States would have been when the original Articles of Confederation were used; member states that are still free agencies that interact through trade on their own with Federal government there only as a trade arbiter that collects it's revenues from tariffs. Such a government has no real authority except in that regard. During our time under such a government the only policing agencies on the Federal government level was the Revenue agents of the treasury department, and the Coast Guard. Our own experiment with such a government collapsed within three years to become the Federal system we know now.

So now a ship from the republic goes, with a specific timetable; get down, find out what the hell is happening, and return immediately. It fails to return. At this point the Republic issues a warning sent to all companies that whatever is happening politically on Taris, no ships are to go there. At the same a few, perhaps six ships from the Republic's Trade Administration arrive, and picket the planet. They do not land or approach the planet. Instead they are placed to watch for anyone leaving or arriving, and warns any approaching of the danger. What little trickle of ships are still going there stops. Now you move to seize these pickets.

Revenue Cutter A sees a ship approaching from the planet. It reports to the others, who also report that ships are approaching them. Worst case, they intend to grab these ships. One is chosen to accept this, and approaches to inspect the ship it faces while the others avoid contact, after all, there are a few possible scenarios where this is necessary, but these men are not stupid.

Cutter A reports they are docking with the ship, though more likely they would send a shuttle with an armed boarding party. Let's assume this commander at least is stupid. He docks, and there is no follow up message. The others, still dodging their pursuers sees the revenue cutter now heading for Taris. At least one of the cutters now hypers out to report that it definitely enemy action. Whoever is in charge of the picket now turns not to rendezvous, but with orders to drive the now enemy ships away, or destroy them.

All of the above takes about four to six months, but when it does stop you have captured less than a thousand ships. You are still far short of transporting your army, and the only way to get more is to send ships out to hopefully capture more. But every ship that did not return has already been reported to the various insuring agencies. The criminal and smuggling organization have already done so with their ships, so it would be very difficult to merely slip out, grab some ships, and slip back in with them. Even criminals are now giving Taris a wide berth.

If any of the missing ships succeeds in escaping the patrol and reaching another system it will be noticed before you have time to steal very many ships because a group of people who have no knowledge of ships and transport coming off one ship, then snagging another one to transport them to oh say Corellia that fails to arrive would be noticed. Maybe not immediately, but the cutters, now forming not a screening action but a full blown blockade will definitely detect the ships coming in. They would begin destroying or capturing them, at the same time notifying planets these ships came from, and then every port anywhere in the Republic. With the best of luck you might get an additional thousand ships this way. But you now face a blockade.

So technically you have a stalemate; transport for only about 2% of your revolutionary army, and no way to get more. The picket grow to become a full blockade which will remain until things normalize. Your Army is trapped on one planet and there things go from bad to worse.

Let's look at history here under such a 'peasant' administration. Rhodesia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhodesia was a section of British controlled land until 1965 when it unilaterally declared itself free of the British Empire. During the next 14 years the nation struggled not only with the black majority, but also with the UN who refused to recognize their independence. South Africa refused to accept it primarily because Rhodesia was trying to find a workable government giving the majority at least an introduction to self rule that would not turn out as badly as the rest of the continent had. In Rhodesia the first election where black voters were allowed limited the franchise, allowing only blacks of a certain educational level to vote. But this was not enough.

As much as 'freeing them from oppression' had been a nice idea, it had turned out badly elsewhere. Except for the oil states in the north (Where the governments had been controlled but not ruled by their foreign customers) and the south (Where South Africa had declared Apartheid and Rhodesia was trying only for a transitional administrative role with eventual majority rule) all of the other newly formed governments immediately fell into two categories; bloody rebellions that in some nations still go on, or strong man governments where there was exactly one election, the president then declaring himself President for life, and eliminated their opponents, sometimes down to the children of those men if they had not already fled.

In Rhodesia, with the world ignoring their independence unless majority rule was allowed, Prime Minister Ian Smith at the demand of the UN led by the United States began to move to full majority rule. The government sat down with several leaders of the resistance including Robert Mugabe. I remember the press coverage of the events that followed; I especially remember an on camera quote from Mugabe. When a reporter asked how the 'give and take' was going Mugabe replied; 'There will be no more give and take, only take'.

The negotiations ended with majority rule after the new government promised not to disenfranchise the white citizens, but less than two years later all properties and lands owned by white were seized, and most of the white population was expelled. Their properties, including factories were handed over to 'worthy black citizens', mainly supporter of various politicos. Unfortunately, these 'worthy' recipients had no knowledge of how the companies they now owned and controlled operated. Picture the local phone company handed over to someone whose experience is that he worked not as a lineman, not as an engineer, but as a clerk in the phone company office. Most of the engineers, white to a man, have been forcibly evicted, so when it begins to break down, you do not have people to fix it, not even to attempt to maintain it because while the linemen are probably all black, they don't understand the working of the main switching machinery. Putting a gun to the head of your last White engineer will not fix this problem whether you pull the trigger or not.

As it stands, Rhodesia's economy is among the worst in all of Africa to this day and when things break down, the government literally had to hire people from other countries to fix them until enough of their people learned how to do it themselves. That is still an ongoing problem today.

LOGISTICE: BBB

As Napoleon said, an army moves on it's stomach. Or as a more modern pundit said, 'Captains learn tactics, Generals learn strategy. Excellent generals learn logistics'.

BBB is military slang for what is needed to keep an army going; Beans, Bullets, and Black oil, or fuel.

So let's now assume your 'blue army' does finally get enough ships to transport it from Taris to another world, say Desevro. You load up your army, especially their supplies. This (using your numbers, and using the Roman army supply system) is 5,000 tons of food per day.

That was arrived at by using the Roman army diet. Each man was furnished with a pint (456 gm) of grains, a pound of meat, fish poultry or cheese (456gm) two ounces of olive oil (60 ml) and eight ounces of wine (250ml) per day. Rounding down it is one kilogram of rations per man per day multiplied by five million coming to five million kilograms or 5 kilotons.

In this at least, your army is lucky, since all they have to supply is food. A modern army has to supply a lot more. The winner for most supplies needed to maintain the fighting force is the US, which supplies 55 kilos per man per day. A guerrilla force like the Taliban still needs 5 kilos a day in the field.

As for foraging, (which I know you will suggest) ain't gonna happen. If the Republic commander on the ground has the brains to pour water out of his own boots, his men are going to be building fortifications even if it's merely blocking roads and setting his troops in buildings while the civilians still inside are scurrying around gathering every scrap of food in your target area and moving it inside. Then they are going to blow up every building outside their perimeter to deny you shelter. Before your army is even on the ground you will be facing what the French did in 1812 and the Russians did in 1942. Scorched Earth.

Such a force would have to attack all at once to assure success, and that alone would cause massive casualties for your troops. While you are still approaching the navy will be destroying every ship they can, and your forces, even with warships of your own will not be able to stop this, merely limit it. This is because the navy you're facing isn't a bunch of men with weapons at their throats, so everything will be done efficiently, not halfheartedly. All you would need is one man on each warship in a position to delay or stop your response, which is pretty much any crewman you have suborned, to totally cripple your fleet before you even land. If just a dozen pilots merely set the navicomputer of their own ships to a different system you would be out 24,000 troops going to the wrong place. Sure you could then kill the men who did so, but that isn't going to get you back to where you want to go.

That is only the tip of the sabotage iceberg. If a gunnery officer ordered the computer to do a full diagnostic of the weapons system, that would tie up the weapons of those ships for a couple of hours. The same could be done by crashing the computers aboard any ship, which would require technical expertise to fix that none of your men can supply.

Read the book The Honor of the Queen by David Weber to see what I mean. In one chapter a group of religious fanatics grab a modern warship in that universe. Knowing it could happen, the Captain of that ship had set up a fail safe to at least interfere with their plans, and it takes their half trained crew of about 1200 and the 300 odd regular crewman they had captured two days to get everything up and running again. They have an advantage you do not. The fanatics have at least some training to fall back on.

SWORDS VERSUS GUNS

Unless your army are either religious zealots or completely mind controlled, arming them with just swords of any type is foolish. That is what I infer by their weapons, not their tactics.

Every primitive tribesman who has faced a more modern weapon, be it a bow, musket, rifle, repeating rifle, or machine gun has only one thought on his mind; the same thought an American teenager has when he sees a muscle car slide by them:

I want that!

The English were so impressed by the Welsh longbow that they made their own copy of it. Natives in every part of the world where they faced guns quickly bought stole or took them off of dead bodies. One author commented about the African tribes that a man would grab a repeating rifle off a body, fire it until he ran out of ammunition, then throw it away since they did not have the knowledge and technology to manufacture more. But nowhere did they ignore them. Yet to take control of a planet with such weapons in abundance, yet set off for another world where they will face the same suggests mania whether religious or by mind control has to be implied.

Historically there are only two battles I can think of off the top of my head where a poorly armed native force defeated a technologically superior one. They are the Battle of the Little Bog Horn http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_...Little_Bighorn and the Battle of Isandlwana http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Isandlwana the first in June of 1876 the second in January 1879.

In each case the natives had help from their enemies, mainly their incompetence or hubris. At Custer's Last Stand you had 647 men armed with single shot Trapdoor Springfield model 1873 rifles against about 2 thousand hostiles armed mainly with bows, but with a few dozen armed with Henry and Spencer repeating rifles.

I know the numbers would suggest an easy victory, but consider the following:

1: The Army had estimated their opposition as only about 800 braves. Custer believed that until the day before the battle, when his chief scout told him they faced between 1500 and 2500.

2: Custer was leading less than 20% of the force; another of 1000 men led by General Crook was two days away as was another thousand odd under Colonel Gibbons and another force led by Brigadier General Terry. When his scouts reported that the natives had found his force, he decided he had enough men for the job, since he intended to screen his troops using the Indian noncombatants and force them to keep cover and stay where they were until the other columns could arrive. Before this the Natives would disperse, so standing orders for the Army was to make them stand and fight.

3: Custer's regiment had both cannon and several gatling guns on their equipment lists, but Custer had left them behind because they would slow his men down. Unlike the other forces that could have been there, Custer led the only all cavalry force, the others had infantry cannon and gatlings. If the Natives simply dispersed, they would be able to outrun everyone else.

4: Due to budget restraints, the weapons used by the 7th as mentioned was the Trapdoor Springfield, However there had been reports from the field that if you fired them too often, the copper cartridges would jam in the breech. Since this rifle did not have a ramrod, you would have to pry the jammed cartridge out with a knife; not the best thing to happen in the middle of a serious fight. Brass cartridges, that would not have this happen, had been determined five years previously to be 'too expensive'.

A brief aside; the author of the Trapdoor Springfield played a hand in making sure troops during the War Between the States had limited access to more modern weapons, That man was James Wolfe Ripley. As Master of the Ordinance for the Union Army he turned away Gatling and Agar who had developed machine guns, forcing generals to purchase them out of their own pockets. When ordered by Lincoln to examine the Rafael repeater, what John Ericsson called the most efficient weapon of it's type, Ripley bought four of them, sent them to the Harper's Ferry arsenal, and pretty much ignored them from then on.

He refused the Henry rifle because it would 'make it easier for the infantry to waste ammunition' and only accepted the issuing of the Spencer because Lincoln ordered it. Both the Henry and the Spencer did not jam as easily as the Springfield so the Indians with them actually had superior weapons. If a trooper at the Little Bighorn had one of these rifles instead, it was because he had bought it himself.

5: Custer divided his force into three units under himself, Major Reno and Captain Benteen. Custer himself led 210 men. Since none of them survived, what actually occurred during the battle on Last Stand Hill is conjecture except that Reno and his men on Reno hill heard volley fire, a signal used in desperate circumstance meaning 'we need ammunition' at 4:30. But Reno along with most of the remaining force were almost 4 kilometers to the south. Captain Thomas Weir did approach close enough to see the Natives killing the wounded at around 5 PM. It wasn't until two days later when General Terry arrived that any other witness saw the scene.

In the Battle of Isandlwana 22,000 Zulus under Cetshwayo confronted the supply base of the 24 Regiment, protected by Lieutenant-Colonel Henry Burmester Pulleine commanding 1350 troops, both white and colored levies, along with an undetermined number of civilian drovers.

Again, hubris came into play;

1: Lord Chelmsford over all commander of the invasion of Zululand attacked at harvest time, assuming the Zulus would be dispersed into easily defeated tribal units. However the time he picked was when every Zulu warrior would go to the primary village of Ulundi. Think of the National Guard during the two weeks of training they do, not the one weekend a month.

2: When the British reached Isandlwana they did not follow procedure. It was standard practice to entrench, and laager the wagons (Think of a wagon train under Indian Attack from the movies) Chelmsford had decided it was not needed, since they faced poorly armed (True) and poorly led (So not true) natives.

3: A more senior officer, Colonel Anthony Dumford arrived, which would have caused problems because he was senior to Pulleine, but this officer described as the most experienced officer in the campaign ignored the deficiencies in the defense. Before the battle actually styarted he led men out to face the left horn of the Zulu advance (Some of the best men the Zulus had) and actually stopped it until his men ran out of ammunition.

4: The Martini Henry cartridges used at the battle were a rolled brass foil that had the same problem the Springfield had; the thin foil warped under heat if the weapon was fired constantly, as did occur. If you have watched the Movie Zulu, they were using the cartridges that later replaced the ones used at the time.

5: A chance occurrence, a solar eclipse occurred at 2:29 PM, allowing the poorly armed natives to close within killing distance. After all, a rifle can kill from a distance, but only if you can see your target.

Most of the civilans and five officers in the green 'Patrol' uniforms survived. Primarily because Cetshwayo had said to kill the 'red' soldiers, but spare the 'black coated' men. In other words, leave the civilians alone. Almost 400 men survived.

6: During the court on inquiry into the battle, surviving soldiers reported that the quartermaster officer was refusing to issue ammunition without a letter or direct order from an officer. In a macabre amusing instance, one of the artillerymen cold-cocked the idiotic officer. When questioned during the inquiry, he apologized, not for striking the officer, but for breaking the rammer of his cannon when he did.

Quote:
The mutiny of what sounds like one division of troops was ill-timed, and would be a reason to be worried, but not for the amount of panic shown. A division (10-17,000 men) would be rolled over easily by because you only need to detach about 60 to 80,000 troops to do so.

You are right. But they were panicked because this division cut them from their supplies, and even a very good trained army without supplies and firepower can be easily destroyed by 2,000,000 men with wooden swords.

Reply: True. However my comments were based on two things; first, 'crap' happening is anticipated by any good military commander. Not that some of your own troops might suddenly change sides, but that supplies might be cut off. There is an old military axiom; don't plan for what you want the enemy to do, plan for what he might do that would hurt you the most. So there would have been contigency plans in place for everything from a possible mutiny down to a sudden thrust breaking through to cut your supply line and even to the ridiculous, mutant radioactive Gerbils eating them.

MORALE AND LOSSES

2: As Napoleon said 'The moral is to the physical as three to one'. In other words, a besieged garrison with high morale will fight on even when hopelessly outnumbered. Bastogne during the Battle of the Bulge is a prime example. Another is the old hoary joke we Texans get upset at; that if there had been a back door in the Alamo, Texas would still be Mexican. If any of the three co-commanders At the Alamo had shown even the slightest hesitation, that would have been true.

Yet at the attack, no matter how high your morale, it can be broken by sudden brutal losses. Even well trained armed and led troops tend to break off their attack when a third or more of their number have been killed in the last minute or so. With the weapons you have given your army, they have to resort to a a Banzai charge human wave attack, which stopped being chosen method except for fanatics and idiot officer long before the attacks of that pattern in Korea because all it does is cause massive losses for little or no gain. Instead of an example here, just watch the first battle shown in the movie Enemy at the Gates. You have about a hundred troops half of them issued rifles, and half of them given only a couple of stripper clips of ammo. The officer who is ordering, but not leading the charge shouts 'charge the enemy. When the man with the rifle is killed, pick up the rifle and continue to advance!'.

What occurs next can't be graced with the term battle, it was a one sided slaughter. Those few who tried to flee were killed by the officer who ordered the attack and men armed with machine guns. You could try the same tactic, but since the men trying to stop them are armed with equivalent weapons, this fight would not be so one sided.

In real battles, units are considered impaired when the loss ratio reaches 30%. Such units are pulled off the line if possible, and fresh troops sent in. But sending wave after wave at the enemy will deplete their ammunition but deplete your force more rapidly. If you assume only bolt action rifles against such a charge, remember that the man shooting at you can fire 5 aimed shots in the time it takes you to run 100 meters. If they have auto loading rifles (The M1 Garand) they can fire ten, and a machine gun (250[.50 caliber]-1,400 [German MG42]rounds per minute) can empty a 50 round box in the same time. The few times your plan succeeds ends up with perhaps fifty to a hundred survivors who are badly shaken by their survival. These would be easy to wip out by any troops behind the front line, and with a quarter million troops inside the perimeter, they would have ready response teams.

Also, you have to remember that anyone even remotely close to the front just watched a thousand men reduced to either the survivors above, or worm food. They are not going to be willing to do the same thing. Their morale has already hit bottom just seeing what has happened. Even if you did, they get to see the bodies they have to clamber over to make the same charge.

Part One of my reply


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-18-2012, 12:32 AM   #1239
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Part 2

In my own Return From Exile, I used the following scene;

'Fifty Aqualish, half of one company were approaching where I hid in ambush with the other fifty. I nodded, and the ‘men’ with me opened fire. We were using training weapons, so while there was the noise of a lot of blasters cycling, the flashes of light simulating the blaster fire would set off sensors in uniforms below rather than kill anyone. If they hit, the uniform would stiffen, and the man would drop to the ground. What you are supposed to do is dive for cover, assess the situation, then attack, rolling up the enemy using fire and maneuver.

As I said, that is what you are supposed to do.

There are three types in a battle like this. The ones that dive for cover before they are hit, the ones that freeze for a fatal second or two, and the ones that charge screaming at the enemy.

I gave it five seconds. Then I tapped the siren, and everyone froze.

Droids rolled down. At each place where a man was, they placed a targeting sensor.
All one hundred of them now took positions up on that ridgeline. “All right, one magazine, lock and load!“ I ordered. Each man picked up a Corellian designed blaster. I signaled the droids, and suddenly we could see the men, not just a fifty, but a hundred advancing.

“Fire!”

A hundred men poured fire into the battlefield. Down below, the targeting sensors modified the scene.

But what the men shooting saw was different depending on what the man had done. If he dived for cover, and it was something that would soak up blaster fire the target was just something the size of their head. If it was down, but not behind some cover, it was head and shoulders. If it was one of the frozen ones (And the droids had recorded who had frozen if only for a second) it was a man sized target. The charging idiots got targets half again normal size.

Once the last round had gone downrange, the holograms froze. Every hit had been indexed by a red splotch. I stood up, and motioned for them to follow me. I pointed at a figure crouched behind a rock face. “Cover is important in battle. Notice that this man is not injured, even with almost a thousand rounds fired.” I walked to another. This one had ducked behind a bush. The first bolt had blown the bush into splinters. Half a dozen more showed as red marks on the chest and head. “If it doesn’t stop enemy fire, it isn’t cover.”

I walked over to a figure that was normal sized. A rash of hits had ripped off both legs, an arm and the head. “If you want to be a target, fine, you’ll get your chance. But targets stay on the battlefield for graves registration to pick up and cart home. Your families get a nice letter that doesn’t end with ‘you were too damn stupid to duck.”

I had saved one of the berserkers for last. The system had automatically stopped them after the first hit, and this guy had gotten maybe three paces before he died. But a bigger target means more fire gets aimed at you. I looked at the target for a long time then turned to the Aqualish. They were acting like a bunch of naughty children. I almost expected toes digging in the dirt. “If you want to be a hero, be one. But do it in someone else’s unit'.

But you have left your army no other alternative.

Oddly enough, in a short ranged 'hasty' ambush, such as the US faced in Vietnam, the standard tactic is to rush the ambushers because each man even with an automatic weapon will get off only 3 to five shots before you're among them and can retaliate.

On the Defense you have your military commander, then the main character saying pretty much 'we're boned' where others can hear it. If the troops know the commander believes the battle is lost, they lose their morale. Remember my Alamo reference? If even one of those three men had shown that they felt they would lose, the garrison would have surrendered rather than fight.

Another quote from Napoleon states: 'An army's effectiveness depends on its size, training, experience, and morale, and morale is worth more than any of the other factors combined'. So five million troops with primitive weapons is not going to keep charging just because you order it.

At the Battle or Rourke's Drift http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rorke%27s_Drift following the Battle of Isandlwana the previous day. 4,000 Zulus attacked the 150 odd troops, 39 of whom were in hospital so you only had about thirty on each of the four defensive facings. Lieutenant Bromhead who actually commanded the force had intended to make it an open field engagement. But an engineering officer, Lieutenant Chard assumed command because of only two month's seniority, and instead ordered the men to build palisades of grain sacks.

If you have seen the movie Zulu. You have an idea of what happened. The garrison survived, though the battle actually ended at around 4 AM.

Two things; half of the men attacking Rourke's drift were unmarried men. A number of the troops who survived reported seeing warriors stabbing their spears into dead bodies. The reason this is relevant is that to be considered worthy of marriage, a Zulu man had to return from battle with blood on his spear.

The other thing, more Victoria Crosses were awarded for this battle than had been awarded in any previous battle. One of them, to Henry Hook caused a friend of mine from the Renaissance Faire to chuckle. You see, Hook as mentioned in the movie, had been given a field court punishment of 28 days field punishment, meaning he isn't paid for those 28 days. The battle occurred during his punishment. Legally, Under British Military Law, he could have sat back. Instead he did fight, and that (According to my friend) is why he was given the award.

RUNNING AN INVASION:

I have enumerated all of the problems your army would face above, but you have ignored everything that would have happened before deploying your force on the ground. It's like seeing the men planning D Day way back in 1942 and jumping right to the army marching off the beach.

I noticed in the original or the article that preceded this one that you had planned on using a droid army similar to the one used in the Clone Wars. They would be willing to attack as you have shown, after all as much as C3P0 acted human, most droids would notcare that they were going to be destroyed. So my last question is;

Were your troops either religious fanatics or mind controlled? If so, read my Family of Choice where the Mandalorians face such an army about ten years before the war of Exar Kun.

As to such an attack, read Gust Front by John Ringo, especially the battle of Fredricksburg, where 2.5 million aliens attack that city. The defensive force is nowhere near as heavy as you postulate, yet they are able to survive the day and night before dawn. In fact the battle of Richmond where 60,000 troops face the same aliens in equal numbers ends in a total rout of the attackers. In Ringo's book, the Posleen (alien attackers) have superior numbers and weapons, but only 1 in 400 is the equivalent of the average human being, with only 4 percent of their race is even remotely equal to a human imbecile. The remainder are well below what a human would call sentient, think of animals guided by nothing but instinct.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 01-18-2012 at 12:58 AM.
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Old 01-18-2012, 08:46 AM   #1240
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Thanks for your reply. Also i wasnt bored because of history. I realy like history.

Quote:
Were your troops either religious fanatics or mind controlled?
No. They are just some very poor crazy peasants that hope for a better future. Also when a soldier knows that he has other 5 million soldiers while the enemy on 50,000 then he will be expecting victory.

Also the revolution started in multiple planets. That means that with a huge supplies and and shipyards they could take over a lot of planets. Also with the help of almost half the jedi knights, they have generals to lead.

But the << Blue Army >> ended, if you read my last part. They were nuked.
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