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Old 06-22-2012, 11:21 PM   #1281
machievelli
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A week of triple digits, and nothing else is happening. As you can tell, my computer is back up. This time the tech deleted every one of my favorites from my Internet Explorer, meaning I have to recreate them, again. This time I am going to make a copy as if exporting them to another program and update them every week. Also when I tried to access the SWK site to post from the library with their computer I got the same response. So it's not on my machine.

So what is good this week? Take a look...

Over at kotorfanmedia Charys starts us off with the reprise pick The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR style followed by another reprise pick, gekkeiju's In Your Dreams and finishing up with our best of the week, RogueLadySabyne's Flowers and Reconciliation

Well back to the grind. Signing off...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Mass Effect - Origins of the Reapers
Yukub

NSW based on Mass Effect Game: A dissertation on one of the plot holes in the work


Remember to finish sentences. The Citadel, (was) constructed by the Keepers with the help of their Machines. You could have also left out the was by adding 'still stands today'. It's a minor problem, when I'm working hot and heavy on a story I tend to not finish sentences; that's one reason I tell people to reread then rewrite. The remainder of my critique is technical.

Technical notes: I have not played the game, so this is based on inferences in your work. First, the comment about the keepers 'Their civilization had reached its peak' was unnecessary, merely that their society was in decline.

Also saying; 'though the Keepers themselves were not the toughest and strongest species alive' was unsupported. Whatever race you speak of could be listed as not the toughest or strongest. The addition of the Machines would help even a very fragile race maintain superiority.

As for the genesis of the machines, one aside: saying they could take on a capital ship, are you referring to a modern one in the game?

The description of the machines themselves suggests cybernetic organisms, or at least biomechanical constructs. So the 'bugs' and later virus sounds like a flaw in the original design. A computer virus does not occur naturally, though a series of bugs, especially in equipment that is left running too long could cause something similar. However one thing a machine without a human brain or AI algorithms similar to the operation of a human brain cannot do; they cannot change their programming. As much as people liked the old ST episode; survival does not negate programming.

Interesting premise. Wish my laptop would play it...

1941
christos200

Listed as NSW, though we have Jedi: An alternate universe rendition of WWII

First, remember 'A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...” In the Intro to every SW novel, so calling a holy order 'Jedi' and a Muslim order the 'Sith' is a stretch.

Since you tend to try to write script style, you don't need a line of laughter, and anything more than a single exclamation point is unnecessary.

'Commander of the Unit'? What size unit? If it's a squad, it would be either a sergeant or corporal, if it's larger, a lieutenant. Also, what division of the German army? If it's a Wehrmacht unit, it would be feldwebel but if it were an SS or Waffen SS unit it would be a rottenfurher (As a squad) and Luetnant or Untersturmführer for an officer.

Technical note: I don't know what they teach in Greece, but the nation was dragged into both World Wars. The British literally captured the Greek Monarch, and demanded that Greece enter the war against the Central powers of that time. After the war, Britain had the Greeks sign a mutual defense pact, which is what drew Greece into the second war.

As for your timeline following Hitler's death, I am have studied that war for longer than you have been alive.

First, every bit of land grabbed by the Nazis right up to the invasion of Greece had been taking back land taken under the Treaty of Versailles; One of the most vindictive 'treaties' ever written. Thanks to the US, France and the 'allies' was able to steal just about every bit of land won by Germany and the defunct Austria-Hungarian empire in the last century. Every bit of land grabbed back by the Nazis had been stolen from them.

In late 1940, early 1941 when your story would have occurred, Russia was still abiding by the Non-Aggression pact; it would not end until 22 June of 1941, with Operation Barbarossa, Germany's invasion of Russia.

Let us assume that Hitler died when you suggested. No one could have taken control of Germany after his death except for the Deputy Fuher, who was Rudolf Hess who had made the flight into England and would be captured in May 1941, a month after the events you portray.The German invasion of Greece happened a month earlier. Hess wanted to convince England to join in the 'crusade' against the Communists. If Hitler had died, there would have been a scramble for power.

Without Hitler to drive it, the Russian invasion would not have occurred; the High command knew they could fight the Russians, but had a two front war already between the Battle of the Atlantic and North Africa. As much as you think the Russians would have repudiated the Non-Aggression Pact it worked for Russia as Stalin was using it to clean house. This would have set up the later war; would Germany avoid getting into war with the US?

Without Hitler, Germany might have convinced Japan to ignore the US; the primary reason the Japanese grabbed Southwest Asia was because all of the resources they bought from the US was there in lands owned by France England and Holland. It was the decision to freeze their assets in the US after they did that forced Japan into open war.

But even with Roosevelt trying to stack the deck and force a declaration of war between January 1940 and the Attack on Pearl Harbor, the American people did not want to get into the European conflict. If the Japanese had ignored them, or listed everything Roosevelt had done to try to force the issue, it would have stopped America from attacking.

kotorfanmedia

The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR style
Charys

Originally reviewed 1 December, 2006. That review is below:

The tale of the Baba Yaga meets TSL head on.

Having read the tales of the Baba Yaga, and written my own full length KOTOR II novel, I think I know both stories well. With that out of the way, I have to admit, I didn’t think they could be combined like this.

I like it!

Reprise Pick of the Week

Day Dreams of Young Knights
BrennaSolo

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Four young people immerse themselves in children's tales.

Except for the fact that all of the tales are connected to Earth, the piece was very well done. The author's choices were interesting; and the attitude of the readers toward the stories they were reading made them their own. Funny, Bao-Dur doesn't look Jewish...

"The Literary Review"
DarthExile

TSL no specific period given: A review by me of... a review?

Having HK47 take my seat for once is different, and the work, about him of course, merely a cutesy farce that irritates him immensely. His dissection of the work line by line, and of the author in the same way was well done and amusing. All I have to say is 'You better watch out...'

In Your Dreams
gekkeiju

Originally reviewed 1 December, 2006. That review is below:

During TSL: The revelations of Atton’s past.

gekkeiju had done another excellent piece here. Alike and different from the above reviewed work. The setting is excellent, the piece sublime in that you fully understand why the characters are arguing, and learn more about them in the telling. Well worth a read.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Flowers and Reconciliation
RogueLadySabyne

TSL on Dxun: Saying thank you can be hard.

RLS has always turned out good work, and her works with more than one exile like this one is always well done. The characters are well defined, the situation clear and action concise.

Pick of the Week

An Open Letter to the KFM Community
ZK273

TSL: A complaint from one of the characters.

The piece is funny in that the one character I myself do not like has some genuine complaints about his treatment at the hands of some of the site's people. A cute little diatribe. Oh he's right; the modeler's forgot his upper lip!

Fanfiction.net

Our first offering from fanfiction was a read requested by the author.

GESTALT: A Novel
Vyrazhi

NonSW fiction: In a future world, a group of young people look at their lives.

The piece has a unique perspective because this is a future Utopian society but seen from the view of the teenager. I enjoyed the sub culture created; bounce music sounds like an interesting phenomenon. I didn't have time to read it all.

Tales of KOTOR: The Hollowed
Dante-Raven

TSL After the battle of Telos: Sion faces his fate after hearing of Nihilus's death

The author had an interesting premise; if you're immortal and your enemy cannot even hurt you, what is your purpose?

Fortune Favors the Bold
Kendoka Girl

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: The defenders prepare for the attack

The piece is twenty chapters long, so I didn't have time to read very far. This segment is the orders for preparation.

NOT a satisfactory ending
Malicean

Clone Wars on Kashyyk: Two chance met warriors help each other

All problems with the work are technical mentioned below:

When dealing with something like cloning to create an army, you wouldn't be tweaking the genome so tightly in the first units, and using a score (20) for that would be a waste of time; especially when at the start of the war you have over two million units already produced. It would be more like 50,000 in batch 1 with the follow on units being also in the thousands. Also, everything you differentiated would be a matter of training rather than genetic capability.

As for the predator they faced, most species of any specific environment are pretty much the same when it comes to the symmetry of their design. Here on earth all animals with more limbs (extra legs, wings etc) are limited by size. There are no giant spiders or insects here on Earth, so having the animal be ten legged was confusing. Look at every predator of even our prehistory from T-Rex to a modern tiger, and you have four limbs and bilateral symmetry.

Anniversaries
Jiolee

KOTOR on Tatooine: A perfect romantic evening...Not!

The title really doesn't fit the work; it implies a longer relationship than the few months (Depending on when your team reaches Tatooine) or years if in the aftermath. The build up, the romantic setting, ending in a farce too easily anticipated. But fun.

Fitting In
Knightskye

Seven Years Post TSL: Revan and the Exile are back from the Unknown... But why haven't they contacted their friends?

The piece was fun to read. There are five more chapters, and if I find the time this week, I will be going back to read the rest. I still don't know why they have been in hiding for the last two years.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-23-2012, 01:05 AM   #1282
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Dear machievelli,

Thank you for reading and reviewing GESTALT, despite its length! It means a lot to me that you were willing to give it a shot.
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Old 06-23-2012, 05:00 AM   #1283
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Thanks for reviewing! Always looking forward to it.
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Old 06-29-2012, 11:40 PM   #1284
machievelli
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As reported last week I found out (By going over to the local library to go online) that the fault with SWK, which has still not been fixed is with the site. If anyone here can contact whoever their IT person is, please let me know, because it's been six weeks with no joy on my end using the staff listing. To emulate Mel Brooks, I sent a nasty note to Machievelli and he told me he couldn't help, and why didn't I bother someone who could?

So here we are. Let's look at this week's offerings...

From Fanfiction.net we have Treymane with Broken Worlds

Over at kotorfanmedia we have Mellyna's reprise pick
The Last Farewell Lotus Rose with
After A Day's Work Part 1 Scythe404 with What Was Lost
Scythe404 and the Best of the week with Dwwoooo followed by Allronix's reprise Pick “Almost Dawn”

Well, triple digits a month early, and expected. I will be back next week.

Signing off...

Fanfiction.net

Alphabet Soup
MordorianNazgul

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Bao Dur supports his General

The piece flow very well. The idea that no matter how strong or superior you are, you need support from others comes through very well.

A Mandalorian's Honour
Daemonette19

Set after Revelations: Still stunned by the revelation on Leviathan, Revan supports Mando'a honor first.

You see a Revan literally split inside herself dealing with another's problem first. The royal we was used throughout, as if her mind had to come to a consensus to decide anything, yet she understood where Canderous did not. I was not moved by the explanation given by Canderous, however. His action, while not the vainglorious one assumed by Jagi still left me wondering why he didn't attempt to save Jagi's survivors after the fact. An interesting take on the scene.

Dragon Pearl
Enide

Post KOTOR: With the mission completed, Bastila faces a harder challenge, facing her dying mother.

Unfortunately I did not have time to read more than the first chapter; the piece was getting interesting with the two woman still ripping at each other as if the brief reconciliation had never happened. Yet you know from the internal dialogues that both of them want to reconcile. It's just a matter of how.

The Story of the Men
Adventurous Putty

Pre KOTOR: The past examined during the New Republic.

The piece started out interesting, the prologue enough to draw me in. But it has yet to be completed. The Jedi council allowing Revan to search the news to keep track didn't make sense. If they are dead set against family relationships, why would they allow him to keep tracking a war they are dead set on not joining?

Broken Worlds
Treymane

Post TSL: While the Exile goes in search of Revan, he leaves the hard work to those he leaves behind.

Remember conversation breaks. There was only one time you missed it, and I have seen professionals do so, so it's just a comment.

Odd sentence structure; 'I'm doubtless the others thought me weak,' should probably have been 'No doubt the others thought me weak,'.

This was written seven years ago, so no doubt you have gotten better since then.

Another of those pieces where I wish I had time to read it all; the leave taking was well done, and the signs of new problems well done.

Pick of the Week

Strength of Brothers Part 1
Fires of Mordor

During the post Clone Wars period: A fugitive from another galaxy meets a clone and Jedi

Technical note: The biggest stumbling block I had was the main character coming from a different galaxy. In our own case here in the Milky way, our nearest galactic neighbor (Before the discovery of the Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy in 1994) the large Magellanic Cloud lies about 160,000 light years away, while the small Magellanic Cloud is around 200,000. Even SAG DEG is 50,000 light years away from our galaxy and 70,000 light years away from Earth's position.

That equates to decades of travel if you were using the warp drive of Star Trek, and even using the unexplained hyperdrive of Star Wars, more than the seven years mentioned.

The piece was too short to get a good feel, but the characters are well defined. I just wish you had done more with it.

kotorfanmedia

The Last Farewell
Mellyna

Originally reviewed 7 April 2006. That review (Which was not posted to the thread at the time) is below:

Set somewhere during the interim of KOTOR II. Revan says goodbye to the Ebon Hawk

This is the second time mellyna has graced my maundering. The piece is short but sweet. Too short to really satisfy, but well done.

Reprise Pick of the Week

After A Day's Work Part 1
Lotus Rose

TSL Behind the Scenes: The actors relax from their roles, but there is still trouble

The piece blindsided me when they cut the death scene, and from there slapped me again and again. Having more than one Exile made sense, since you have about a dozen of each sex to choose from for your character. I don't have time to hunt the rest down and read it, but I anticipate at least one scene where a female Exile is in a lip lock with a Male one, and the resulting commentary from others who happen to see it.

Pick of the Week

What Was Lost
Scythe404

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton gets advice and consolation from an unexpected source.

An interesting take since most of the byplay between the two characters is acrimonious to the extreme. Atton always acts like the Pride leader when he sees Mical on the horizon, as if he must defend his property from all comers. To have the younger man literally say 'go for it you idiot!' is just too perfect.

Mical's own memories of the Exile herself giving him the words of wisdom that move the pilot is poignant; he knows in his heart that she does not him, and is stepping aside for the one she can love.

Pick of the Week

“Almost Dawn”
Allronix

Originally reviewed 21 April 2006. That review is below:

A missing scene from Kotor II. Carth and Canderous team up to rescue Revan

This is the fifth time Allronix has been reviewed by me. It just keeps getting better.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Dwwoooo
Scythe404

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton has ticked off everyone on board, and there is time for payback...

I have an extremely retentive memory; shows I have not seen in decades are still there for me to remember. That being said, the piece reminded me of an episode of the old Night Gallery TV show I saw exactly once; The Sins of the Fathers/You Can't Get Help Like That Anymore.

A couple buy a new robot maid to replace their old one. The mechanics list damage caused not by accidents but abuse. So they send out a new model with a new set of instructions. When Broadrick Crawford and Cloris Leachman (The Fultons) begin abusing the new robot played by Lana Wood, she deals with them just as Atton is about to be dealt with.

As more than one reviewer commented, freaky.

Pick of the Week

I Killed Her Because I Loved Her
SnuggleBunny

Pre TSL on Dxun: When he killed that last Jedi...

The piece was short and a bit alarming. To have her put into his mind her emotions, and his reaction to it makes me wonder what would have happened if the Exile had told him she loved him, especially with Kreia there to make history repeat itself.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-07-2012, 10:05 AM   #1285
machievelli
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The link to post aqt SWK is back up with great rejoicing at this end. So...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Luke Skywalker: Deadly Desert
christos200

ANH Prequel: A different view of Luke's earlier days.

you 'take (over) your father's bar', not just take it. 'going from the '' Deadly Desert'', to go more fast to Nick's house.' should be going 'through' to get to Nick's house faster. By inserting () and deleting [] this sentence makes sense. ''If it is just an old myth, then why (Doesn't anyone)[no one] come[to](through) this desert?!'' 'I am sorry I (Always capitalize the personal I) didn't [told] (tell) you this.''

Sandpeople is a name for a group, not a single one. So it would be a sandpeople warrior

The set up for why they are crossing the 'deadly desert' doesn't make sense in a frontier environment, which even with the technology Tatooine is. Before the advent of the mass produced car, few people traveled more than twenty miles from home in their lives except on business, when they would ride a horse, stage, or train. Having a friend live in another town was a death sentence for a close friendship.

In such societies, social gatherings like a party were in a central location if possible and if it were more than ten miles away, most would not attend; that's a three hour trip in horse and wagon days. Under average conditions, the standard walking pace on firm soil is 3.5 miles an hour, down to 1.5 on loose sand, as with dunes. I have been to few parties worth walking almost three hours or more. Besides, why not fly his T-16? Instead you have him walking at night, in a desert with known threats such as Krayt dragons and Sandpeople.

Worse yet, Luke lives out on the farm, and to go to this party has to walk to town, collect his friend, then walk to the party.

Second, people do not call something the 'deadly whatever' without a reason. Admittedly that reason might be ancient and no longer apply, but if it's an ancient name, you would know it, and if it is a modern one, you would also know. You did sort of address this, but Jimmy's question was still valid as the attack shows.

The actual fight doesn't make a lot of sense, and here's the best way I can think of the explain why. 'Mark Hamill and his friend are attacked by Hulk Hogan. After his friend is knocked to the ground by Hogan, Hamill kicks Hogan in the face once, rendering him unconscious at which point Luke's friend is able to warn Luke, get up and flee'. What is wrong with this picture?

Then after all this effort to go to the party, you end up back in town. Also, why is his friend staying in a hotel rather than with friends or relatives? Unless his family looks down on him for leaving, it would save money and time getting to parties if he is living at home.

Last, again, an actual written laugh is unnecessary if it is not a sarcastic answer.

While there are problems as I mentioned above, the piece has some interesting plot twists.

Until the world start again...
Revan sama

Pre KOTOR on Malachor V: In death there is also love

'The vision of her own death...and what consequences it can product'. Should be produce or could produce.

The piece is surreal, visions from two people, one dying, the other her killer.

Luke Skywalker: Blumer Fort
christos200

ANH Prequel chapter two: Things are convoluted on the Imperial front.

Technical notes: Having the Senate get upset after almost 22 years of Imperial control because of military defeats is a bit much. As an example, a guerrilla war against the Empire would be such similar to the one being fought in China during the 27 year long Civil war between the Nationalists and the Communists http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_Civil_War ; which barely got coverage in Western news papers until the invasion by Japan in 1937 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sino-Ja...War_(1937-1945). Even then, the events in China barely rated the second or third page from 1937 until 1939.

As for 'military defeats' define the term? Depending on which press (Defeat oriented or victory oriented with associated talking heads) you read we were both winning and losing the 8 year long Vietnam War (1964 to 1972). Most of the 'defeats' the US army suffered were small in comparison to the 'victories' we won. The last Major defeat of that war was Dien Bien Phu http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dien_Bien_Phu_Battle in March and May of 1954.

Someone once said of that war, that we (The US) 'won the war and lost the peace'. We were portrayed in our own press as the losers, yet none of the right wing (Loser) press could point at a single major battle we had lost. Yet every minor battle we lost was trumpeted as if it were Midway, El Alamein or Stalingrad.

Face it; until the Death Star was destroyed, there were no major defeats for the Imperial forces, and that happened after the period you portray. The US lost no major battles though they 'lost' the battle of Hue according to the right wing press. The fact that the US relieved Hue and kicked the North Vietnamese out is of course secondary. As for financial troubles, that is something you created to convince the reader that the Senate is showing it's strength.

As for brandishing a weapon; after 25,000 years, I doubt the Republic Senate has not already created such a rule a lot earlier. The US had one before the War Between the States (Less than eighty years after the Constitution).

What you have created here is an example of the furor in the Roman Senate when the mob voted Julius Caesar Imperator before his assassination.

Yet Vader's argument is cogent; not that the senators themselves are rich, but coalitions of the rich would put their people in those senate seats over their own people's heads. Not surprising; There hasn't been a 'poor' president since Eisenhower.

Again our perennial argument. A nuclear weapon is a specific weapon; not some 'Sith enhanced' device. When you say 'nuclear' weapon, your readers 'see' something with less than 100 megatons that would destroy Washington and level Baltimore with the shockwave, but not affect Philadelphia.

As for 'Operation Storm', you first Nuke it, then blast it from orbit, and only then attack it with troops. What is this fortress made of? There is no known cladding or armor that will take the nuke alone, and if it survived that what would survive an orbital bombardment then a plasma bombardment and then need the troops? Plasma, by definition, is heated to the same temperature as the surface of the sun, so again I ask, what is it made of, since nothing known to man would survive sitting in the corona of our own own sun? And it is not the first, but the third weapon used?

Also, consider this; a 'Nuke' that would destroy Washington DC would not leave you a base to use for further operations. The city would be obliterated, and using DC as a base afterward would be like setting up in a toxic waste facility.

Your story is going further afield as it progresses.

kotorfanmedia

Moments: Sunrise and Scars
Rhiannon

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: After a flashback to the start of the war for Revan, Atton considers all the things the Exile does not ask.

An interesting view of, of all things, scars. The description of her limp as a 'general's limp' suggests a wound as a veteran would say, because you were young and too stupid to duck. Both had been wounded in that war, and I agree with Atton as to why she doesn't ask. Maybe she would find out too much.

Pick of the Week

Atonement Chapter 1: En Route to Telos
Exile Starrcast

TSL En Route to Telos after Peragus: The Exile tries to find out about her companions

Technical note: According to canon, the Mandalorian wars started with twelve years of gnawing around the edges before the attack on the Republic, followed by four years of fighting before Revan led the Jedi into it. But then you foreshorten the Jedi portion, which was, again according to canon, four years, to only two.

The piece has a softer Atton, not so willing to lash out. When he discovers her weakness in Pazaak he limits his own skill rather than merely winning to say he has. Being a friendly ear worked well.

Pick of the Week

Sideways
Arrow

Post TSL on Corellia: The Disciple has an unexpected visitor, and a new mission, sort of.

I didn't expect Atton to show up bare arsed, and his explanation was choice. I pictured Atton, and the scene when he fled vividly, and Mical's keeping to technical terms while Atton is more down and dirty was fun to read. Having to go back for his lightsaber and money (Not to mention his clothes) is fun, and the fact that they need someone who speaks Mandalorian just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week

Truth Or Dare
RogueLadySabyne

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Truth or Dare, Star Wars style

Mical's comment; that the truth is what you should always put forward, fits the character perfectly. The piece was funny because Mical is such a straitlaced character that Atton's dare aims her ire at the scoundrel. A riot.

Pick of the Week

Cheaters Never Prosper
Exile Starrcast

Pre TSL: We finally get an explanation of why Atton was in that force cage.

The piece was fun and irreverent. Leaving him hung over, and naked in a storage locker on Peragus was a cheerfully sadistic touch.

Moments: Caution, Regrets and Farewell
Rhiannon

TSL On Dantooine: A flashback to before the war leads to regrets and tears later

It is an interesting view both of their past and their present. Kavar and the girl who became the Exile in their illicit meeting, leading to his memories and self condemnation at not attempting to save her from Exile. This segues into her crying over his body on Dantooine. Very well portrayed.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

What If
Knightskye

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two children and a Jedi Knight...

This is the second time Knightskye had graced my pages. The problem with this piece is it is too short to really get a feel for the presented thought. The title implies different possibilities, but none are suggested.

KiraYamoto1
And so we go on

Years post TSL: Revan and the Exile finally return

The author tries to cover too much in the back story giving us a time capsule for all of the ones who remained in snippets before the return. It is a personal opinion, but having them fill in that blank with dialogue would have been better.

Reincarnations of the Old Republic
Corran Griffin

KOTOR over Taris: A reincarnated soul gets another chance

I have to admit, I have seen a lot of different ways to get into the SW universe; taking a plane from India that lands on Coruscant, being sucked into the game, entering it voluntary among others.

The author neatly sidestepped the 'Long ago in a galaxy far, far away' by making it an alternate dimension and having the main character be a part of that galaxy who accidentally was reincarnated here.

I just wish it was longer, and wonder if this is Revan's soul returning.

Welcome to My Life
Sith Lord Revan1

KOTOR on Dantooine: What if Revan found out about his past earlier?

The piece moved too quickly. You went from the revelation to flight before anyone beyond Revan knew why. Having him explain that the council had suddenly become Sith didn't make a lot of sense either.

The Master Returns
Wildcat08

PreKOTOR: What kept them in place after Revan had proven it false?

I had no time to read beyond the beginnig, and it didn't tell me a lot of the backstory.

Soulless
DarthGabithaTheHutt

Post KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: There is one battle remaining for our hero...

This was a very interesting read. The author turns what is usually a mental confrontation into a physical one with one simple elegant and logical idea. I was swept along for the ride, and at the end I was only a bit disappointed.

You see, it reminded me of the final confrontation in Fight Club, and I had kind of hoped it would end the same way.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-07-2012, 10:20 AM   #1286
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As for 'Operation Storm', you first Nuke it, then blast it from orbit, and only then attack it with troops. What is this fortress made of? There is no known cladding or armor that will take the nuke alone, and if it survived that what would survive an orbital bombardment then a plasma bombardment and then need the troops? Plasma, by definition, is heated to the same temperature as the surface of the sun, so again I ask, what is it made of, since nothing known to man would survive sitting in the corona of our own own sun? And it is not the first, but the third weapon used?
That's the point of operation Storm. To make sure that no enemy is alive. Vader wants to wipe out the Nomads, so they stop their raids against the Empire.

So he uses every weapon possible to be 100% sure that no one can survive.

As to what the Fort is made of, you will see in a few Chapters. I have already planned a Chapter about the Empire sending some spies in the Nomads capital.
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Old 07-07-2012, 11:49 AM   #1287
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That's the point of operation Storm. To make sure that no enemy is alive. Vader wants to wipe out the Nomads, so they stop their raids against the Empire.

So he uses every weapon possible to be 100% sure that no one can survive.

As to what the Fort is made of, you will see in a few Chapters. I have already planned a Chapter about the Empire sending some spies in the Nomads capital.
I can understand Caedite Eos, but it still does not explain how you expect to occupy an irradiated stubble field and expect any of your own men to survive.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-07-2012, 03:08 PM   #1288
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i noticed something:

Quote:
Face it; until the Death Star was destroyed, there were no major defeats for the Imperial forces, and that happened after the period you portray.
This is AU. I am going to change many things. Almost everything you see in Star Wars , except the basics, will change.

I am even going to replace Death Star with an other weapon.
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:19 AM   #1289
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For some reason everything agter July 7th is missing here... Must have been when the system crashed.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars: Retribution
Suaidan

Several years after TPM: A Sith apprentice now has only revenge to guide him

Note: The author is new to the forum and asked to look at the review ahead of time. The questions raised below remain, but I have been informed that Maul had survived the Naboo mission, had been given prosthetic legs, etc. So this is just me venting, but not at you, kid.

The intro is interesting enough, but we have some technical problems that need to be addressed.

Technical, medical: I remember Darth Maul falling down the chute and dividing almost neatly in half at the waist, his arms saved only because his hands were up ready to strike when the blow severed his lower body.

Not his legs, his lower body at about the waist line. That means that along with the legs, we're also talking about half of his GI tract, kidneys, liver and bladder lost as well. Before you ask, this has happened in our own reality and world in incidents where a man is hit by a train and the wheels cut him in half, cauterizing the wound as it is inflicted. Survival is counted not in hours, but in minutes because you also have no way to continue bumping blood within what does remain without massive immediate medical intervention. Using only our own modern medicine, in a combat situation, it is a matter of giving the man a hot shot of morphine to put him out of his misery.

So how did he survive long enough to escape? Granted he might have found a way to survive the fall. But he now has to gain medical support, have the remaining parts of the damaged arterial/venal system somehow rerouted to maintain some function, have some system built to replace every part of his intestines below the duodenum, and only then can you worry about something as minor as legs. All within not days, but minutes.

For us to assume that somehow he escapes from Naboo without the Jedi or Sidious knowing he survived is very unlikely. For this to occur, he would need a ship of his own, with not only a worker droid to come and transport him to it, a medical droid to stabilize him long enough to get to proper medical attention, and a secret medical facility to replace the destroyed organs. Oh, and a minor point, stay conscious long enough to set this all in motion.

A full fledged trauma unit assuming the medical knowledge of the SW universe would probably be able to do it, but here we run into the next technical issue.

Technical note Secrecy: Let's assume the seemingly insurmountable problem of keeping him alive is taken care of. A technician sees the body, calls medical, the remains are rushed to a trauma center, and they save his live. Well done. However you now have a military prisoner attached to life support machinery which is rather bulky initially, and therefore unable to merely get up and walk away.

Using the modern rules of war There is nothing in the Geneva Conventions requiring a prisoner in a POW camp be given anything beyond life support in a situation like this; in fact if the Germans had captured this man during WWII they would merely repatriate him to ease their own burden or as I said, allow him to exit the scene painlessly. As an example, Group Captain Douglas Bader (Who has the honor of being the only double amputee to not only fly in combat but with 20 individual kills as well) was shot down over France in August 1941. He survived because while both of his artificial legs were pinned and unable to move, he merely disconnected them when he bailed out.

When captured, the Infantry officer initially believed it was some kind of British propaganda ploy until the legs were recovered from the wreckage. When German intelligence discovered his capture, they refused requests to repatriate him and he spent the next four years in POW camps.

But unlike Bader, Maul's wounds are more recent, and more serious. Also his situation is in a gray area of International law (As it is written as of this date). While actively fighting for the Trade Federation, he is not an employee of that agency. He is an agent of a secretive third party, I.E. Sidious. Remember the Mission Impossible initial briefings? “Should any of your men be caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”

That makes Maul what is defined under that law an Illegal Combatant, outside of the law as to treatment. Legally they can be shot out of hand, though the US has used it to keep the men presently incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay. But their capture and incarceration must be reported, so we have this man in a hospital on Naboo while they work on manufacturing him a new GI tract and necessary artificial organs. Not something that can be done within a few days.

But Sidious (As Senator then later Chancellor Palpatine) would know he survived. Would he bother even letting him live? Unlikely. Maul is the one person that can derail the entire plan merely by spilling his guts. In other words, he'd live as the old saying goes, about as long as a pint of Irish whiskey at a wake. If Sidious didn't send someone to deal with him, he could instead have him turned over to Republic intelligence, where no one would ever even know what happened. Think of Bader above being turned over to the Gestapo, or a man in old Soviet Russia being turned over to the KGB, with only one man in oversight, Palpatine. Even if you assume he is held by the American CIA, there are men within that organization that could be suborned who would assure he did not survive long enough to talk. Something that both Palpatine and Maul would know.

Would the Naboo (Or intelligence) spend the time and money on giving him new legs? Probably not unless he talked. So about a month after his capture, we have a healed Maul trapped in a life support chair, being wheeled into a Republic Intelligence office, still immobile beyond the chair. Also the Jedi council would know he survived. Whatever Palpatine might plan, the council would be eager to talk to this man, if only to find out where his master is.

Technical note: Finances: Here we run into a very sticky problem. First, to escape successfully, he as to assure that no one knows he's still alive. On the mundane level, he knows that being in a life support chair makes him glaringly obvious to observers when the police issue a BOLO (Be On the Look Out for) with his escape. An Iridonian in a life support chair would be a rarity. So he has to make sure he is presumed dead, and that means finding another Iridonian, chopping him in half, then say incinerating his body along with another life support chair to cover it up. Since the ones holding him would not have left him his lightsaber (A minor point I left until now) he would have to A: secretly construct a new one while in prison under watch and guard. B: Escape. C: find another life support chair and another Iridonian male to chop up and incinerate. D: fund his evasion.

Here we run into a serious problem, as if he didn't have enough already.

He probably wouldn't have enough money initially. If he escaped, is presumed dead, then accessed the accounts opened by Palpatine, he might as well shoot off fireworks, at least for his master. If he were on Coruscant when this happened, it would not even take a day trip for Palpatine himself to go to where he had been spotted and deal with the problem personally.

Yet it is an axiom in intelligence work that any field agent will squirrel away some of the funds issued to him by his parent organization for his own use later. After a long enough time, he'd have enough to retire on in his own secret accounts, and he'd need it in this case. So he now has to find a medical tech or droid that can design and construct a smaller scale version of his life support equipment, then build a prosthetic casing for it along with legs.

Could it be done? Not very easily if he escapes before the Naboo can capture him. Could it be done secretly? Maybe. Could it be done cheaply? No way in hell.

I'd like to see more even if these have to be addressed to GL and the writers. The piece is stilted, but that is polish and editing.

Welcome to the forum.

Star Wars: Illusive Ghosts
Yukub

During the Imperial Period, no specifics so far: An interrogation begins

Remember to spell check. Also, the comma at 'pain everywhere(,) as a electrical shock was given to him by the droid' is redundant.

Improper sentence structure; 'made his broken lips wet with his tongue' would have been better as 'ran his tongue over his broken lips'.

As for harsh language; it seems that younger people seem to think that using foul language makes them sound more adult; a problem I saw with my ex-wife's daughter, who cussed more than I (Four years in the Coast Guard, and yes, when I am frustrated I cuss like a trooper) ever used even on my worst days. The way to get around this stricture is to use word common in this genre which will pass the filter. I used Fierfek (Mandalorian) for the reproductive one as an example. What cracks me up is Japanese names with the same four letter word are bleeped even though the word does not mean the same thing in Japanese.

An interesting beginning. The scene is well set, the menace obvious.

kotorfanmedia

Myths of the Mandalorians- Ghost of the Darkness
The Grey Jedi

The primary problem I had with the work is that there are a number of words that needed an apostrophe, but didn't get it because the author was using them as quotation marks. Not a major problem, but irritating.

While the Handmaidens are Echani, the author suggests that they all grew up at the Telos installation, and survived the initial bombardment carried out by Saul Karath. There would have been no logical reason for Atris to begin her planning for the 'end of the Jedi' that early.

Also, the interlude where the two criminals are killed suggests as the title does, some kind of murderous ghost, but again if they had lived there all this time the Handmaidens (Or Atris) would have known of it unless it was something new.

Dark Gift
Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: Visas witnesses the end of her planet, and the dark gift given to her by her old master.

Like all of BAM's work, this has depths most of us haven't put into our own work. The description of the way the Miraluka 'see' and connect within their society even down to the life of everything there is drawn as if on a tapestry, and witnessing it's end like someone with a white wash (Of in this case a black wash) covering all that vibrant color with a pallid sameness.

I especially liked two things; the fact that her race due to their way of seeing never had a word for alone; she had to remember Galactic basic to come up with it. Also that Nihilus is a Miraluka word for deep space, where as she thinks on it, it is not that there is no life, only that it is very hard to find.

Excellent work

Pick of the Week

Ashes of Katarr
Crystal001

Pre TSL: Another view of Visas' original torment

The piece is short and well done, but the idea that all of that life being sucked out caused a firestorm of some kind just did not fit with my view of it. If you have seen the Star Trek the Next Generation episode Datalore, you might remember the comments made by the crew when they revisit the world where Mister Data had been found. The occupied section of the planet had been stripped completely of life 26 years earlier when the farming colony had vanished, and Crystal001's work suggests that. What I envisioned was more like the aftermath of a neutron bomb but on a planet wide scale; dead trees still standing with leaves still intact until they wither and fall away; bodies laying there merely being mummified rather than rotting because even bacteria are dead.

Reunion
Adnarim

TSL On Telos: Bao Dur rescues the party, and sees his future in one of the survivors.

The piece is one of those rare ones where Bao Dur is the main character. His voice is as in the game, soft but compelling.

Pick of the Week

The Lost Jedi Prologue
DarthRedHead

TSL in orbit of Malachor V: One more must die for them to win

The piece reconstructs the final minutes of the planet very well. The battle did have losses as a real battle would, and victory is at a cost.

Last Night
PlutoSpawn

TSL enroute to Korriban: What exactly did happen last night?

The piece is fun and at the same time confusing. Mira is cute hungover, and threatening to blow Atton's Choobies off with her grenade launcher not once but twice was a riot. Her conversation with Mical is one of those 'I was drunk and you were the best choice' explanations that sounds good in your mind, but tells the other person too much about what you were thinking drunk

My question is about the secondary part, which is the communication with the outside. Though it sets up some interesting problems ahead...

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Halloween fun
Achalys

Pre Mandalorian Wars on Dantooine: The pranks go a little too far...

I was all set to lambast the author of this piece as it violates the canon (A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away) by using an Earth holiday. I have gone through the entire argument in nauseating detail at Lucasforums > Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118.

But the story was a riot, the pranks a lot of fun, and the aftermath excellent. Leaving out the obvious links to the holiday as others have would have made it perfect!

And this author closed this account because they couldn't write? Wouldn't be able to tell it by this story!

Pick of the Week

A Bounty Hunter's Tale
ShadowWolfXX

Improper word usage, wondered instead of wandered, through instead of threw, parent instead of weren't, a instead of I, were instead of we're, battled instead of battle, that kind of thing.

Try not to use game references to skills. Calling one player a level one pistol and another a master rifleman may tell the reader something, but it isn't a meter of how well a written character would act or react and tells me as a reader nothing about his skill. To my mind a policeman with a pistol he uses occasionally would be level one meaning he is sure of not shooting his own foot off accidentally.

Technical note: ships have different names for common things, such as corridors or halls being called passageways, doors are hatches, that kind of thing. Read my article Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center> The Resource Center> Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The most unbelievable points in the story are two:

First, that a professional bounty hunter is merely going to scurry away like a standard bounty trying to escape. After doing the job for even a year, you would know that as the old saying goes, if you run all that happens is that you die tired. You would have to strike back at those following you rather than just running until one catches you.

Second, you have him covered by someone twice, yet he succeeds in killing them instead. This is unrealistic. Take the redone scene from ANH when Han Solo is confronted by Greedo. While it was redone because people felt it made Han look like a stone killer if Greedo didn't shoot first, it was also unrealistic. To have Greedo miss a full on target at less than 18 inches (half a meter) would only work if he wasn't aiming at Han originally. The reason Han was able to draw without being noticed was due to the fact that he distracted Greedo by talking and using his left hand as if following something on the wall.

You have your man leap to his feet from his back, draw a carbine and aim it, something that would take maybe three seconds while the guy covering him could have gotten off three shots in the same time.

Then you have a master rifleman covering him yet he does not get off a shot when your hero draws of all things, a knife to throw.

Memories
Shinaria

Post KOTOR location not given: Revan decides to atone for her previous actions

The piece has a broken feel to it. The character is so deep in her own depression that the world is a bleak landscape with no end in sight.

Lies
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3218982/1/A_Small_Discovery
A Small Discovery
yellieisarobot

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan and Malak find the first star map

The piece needs editing more than anything else; there were several times when the wrong word is used.

That being said, the only flaw is one the author pointed out; that they are finding the Star Map far too early in their lives. To just a pair of young Padawan this is a big thing to find, but it's unlikely they would have held the secret long enough for KOTOR to happen.

Star Wars Episode 0: The Rise of Sidoious
BJoker1

Several Decades before TPM: The young man who will eventually become the Emperor spars with his master.

Remember conversation breaks; it becomes confusing after a while if you leave them out. Also sight edit to check for errors that will pass a spell check. It was hopped into your ship, not hoped.

Second, Sidious is a Sith, not a fallen Jedi; so having him train in the Jedi Temple doesn't work; primarily because I doubt the Jedi would have forgotten someone who trained, left half way through, came back as a politician etc.

Here Without You
KnightSkye

Post KOTOR: Bastila can stand the emptiness no longer

The piece is sad and poignant. You get the feeling that Revan is dead rather than charging off into the Unknown Regions. The only negatives I have for it is wondering why an order that can, assuming they rewrote Revan's mind totally rewrite a personality, would not be able to stop one self destructive impulse like this one, and that Bastila's door in the enclave would be something that sounds like a blast door.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-05-2012, 06:12 PM   #1290
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Thank you for the review i feel it is very accurate. I too was very much in a state of non-belief over maul's survival but felt that if i added someone else full explanation to my writing that i would be slightly plagerizing and i want this story to be very original. It is mostly setting up Nyro's life not maul's so much but if any fan would like to study more into the subject I will leave the link here and also the clone wars TV series explains it even better. As to "why" Lucas decided to leave such a big question with only a slight explanation is beyond me BUT I will continue to work on my writing skills and try to guarantee that "Nyro's" story is very in depth and entertaining. Thank you Machievelli for your proffesional style of critiquing it will help to make me a better writer.

This is the link: http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Darth_Maul


"The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about"- Derek Bok
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:05 PM   #1291
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Thank you for the review i feel it is very accurate. I too was very much in a state of non-belief over maul's survival but felt that if i added someone else full explanation to my writing that i would be slightly plagerizing and i want this story to be very original. It is mostly setting up Nyro's life not maul's so much but if any fan would like to study more into the subject I will leave the link here and also the clone wars TV series explains it even better. As to "why" Lucas decided to leave such a big question with only a slight explanation is beyond me BUT I will continue to work on my writing skills and try to guarantee that "Nyro's" story is very in depth and entertaining. Thank you Machievelli for your proffesional style of critiquing it will help to make me a better writer.

This is the link: http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Darth_Maul
It is plagerism only if you claim the work as your own, as in trying to sell it. All I mentioned is back story, and it can be doled out over a period of several chapters as you decide if you wish. As for 'taking' their work, I rewrote parts of both KOTOR game because I refused to accept the common view of them; having the Krayt Dragon eat Calo Nord for one, and since the info about the Mass Shadow Generator's deployment was so vague I put my own version in, which included someone else setting the blasted thing off just when the Republic was winning instead of what Emperor Devon came up with, which was Revan committing mass murder to get rid of the Jedi that weren't already on her side (My Revan and Exile are both female), while killing off about three million others in the process.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:37 PM   #1292
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It is plagerism only if you claim the work as your own, as in trying to sell it. All I mentioned is back story, and it can be doled out over a period of several chapters as you decide if you wish. As for 'taking' their work, I rewrote parts of both KOTOR game because I refused to accept the common view of them; having the Krayt Dragon eat Calo Nord for one, and since the info about the Mass Shadow Generator's deployment was so vague I put my own version in, which included someone else setting the blasted thing off just when the Republic was winning instead of what Emperor Devon came up with, which was Revan committing mass murder to get rid of the Jedi that weren't already on her side (My Revan and Exile are both female), while killing off about three million others in the process.
Ah so i could have just added the back story they already had about his survival as long as i made it clear that it was their work not mine? That would have helped alot in the explanation of the set up. Although i don't know what they were thinking when they wrote his survival anyways...so many questions i had about that lol.


"The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about"- Derek Bok
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Old 08-05-2012, 10:10 PM   #1293
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Ah so i could have just added the back story they already had about his survival as long as i made it clear that it was their work not mine? That would have helped alot in the explanation of the set up. Although i don't know what they were thinking when they wrote his survival anyways...so many questions i had about that lol.
I don't know if you have read Stephen King's Danse Macabre, but in it he mentions two different classics where the authors made glaring mistakes. Dafoe in Robinson Crusoe has the main character strip nude to swim out to the ship wreck, then has him filling his pockets.

Then in the original Doctor Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, Mr. Hyde pushes through a crowd as three in the morning, which causes the crowd to gather outside Jekyl's townhouse to protest. As he commented himself, what was a crowd doing on the streets of London at 3 AM? Probably trying to figure out where Crusoe's pockets were...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-11-2012, 11:46 PM   #1294
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Lies

A Package
Darth Pooba

No specific era given: A young girl trying to deliver a package runs into trouble

The piece is well written except for problems that editing would cure. As an example, snow would have crunched under her feet rather than crunch.

While a first work of a few years ago by your own admission, it does show promise.

Welcome to the forum

Faceless
MsFicwriter

NSW Fiction: A child wonders about god.

This work was reviewed 22 July 2012. However the last time the site went down, we lost several weeks from July. So I was willing to review it again.

As with most of her work so far, this sets up an interesting premise. I noticed that the questions the child asked fit no specific religion, yet have points where you can see your own at need. God is an invisible being, in this story so much so that the priests were faceless masks in imitation. 'God' speaks to the priests alone; whatever they say God said is the truth.

Even without being informed in the title heading that it would a horror story. I would have known it from the ending of the post.

Since she posted all of it, I read all of it. The story was well wrought, the basis of what was happening well explained. Being the daughter of a heretic makes her the perfect one to break the deadlock.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

KOTOR III: The Force Reborn
Leo Damascus

KOTOR III: An overview of the newest Jedi

The piece, as the author states, is confused, and goes every direction at a great rate of knots.

So I Dated a Sith Lord
Effiron

KOTOR era, no specific location: Them Force users have some weird mating rituals...

Remember characterization; except for the fact of their sex and Rina's hair color they could be a kid with an overactive imagination using two action figures.

While we have two adults here, I keep picturing two kids of about high school level martial arts arguing over which school is better. As it would with kids of that age, if finally devolves to name calling. But a lot of fun.

Pasts Secrets
Kaiju Moth

Two years Post KOTOR AU: An ancient menace arises within the Republic

I didn't have time to read too far; it's 30 chapters and I was only able to read the first two, so I still don't know exactly what the menace is.

The problem with 'ancient' evils is that they are vague in concept. There was an American kung fu movie made back in the mid 70s where an evil man was looking for an ancient weapon so powerful it would destroy the human race. At the end, with the bad guy captured, and the tomb where this ancient weapon was hidden discovered (And even then I wondered, how the hell did a super weapon 2,000 years old end up in the US?) you find out that it was merely gunpowder.

Knights of the Old Republic 3: The Final Darkness
RonRules

One year after TSL: With the enemy destroyed, the saviors of the Jedi have another threat they have to face...

The piece is a bit of slice of life with a reunion battle.

The intriguing point is that the new enemy required both the dark and light siders to work together to defeat it last time.

Superiority at Any Cost
Kallamae

Pre KOTOR on Korriban: Dustil and Selene in the Academy

The piece sets up the death of the girl and Dustil's reaction to it. The manner in which his superiors merely decide to disposed of her is chilling, but normal for the Sith.

Juma
Allronix

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Hope that your first time drunk your partner is a true friend, not Atton

I read this through, and was amused until the last two lines. Then I laughed like hell!

You know if anyone actually liked Mical, it wouldn't be considered AU; you could create a mod to have him with a male exile. The analytical mind diagnosing his condition was fun. I have had blank spots when I drink, but I have never had a hangover. His thoughts that the symptoms are not as mild as the dry text suggests is attributed, as any of you who have had a hangover knows, to the difference between reading about it, and experiencing it.

But that is only the start of his troubles, according to Atton. Best read without me giving away too much...

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

I Will Not Forget
Aminta Jae

Originally reviewed 9 March 2007 That review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: With both of their men at war; Revan and the Exile receive the worst news any woman in that position can receive. Companion piece to we change for those we love.

The style is excellent, the scene crisp and clear. The reaction by both women and children as clear as if they were our own families. This piece cannot be praised enough.

Reprise Pick of the Week

We Change For Those We Love
Aminta Jae

Originally reviewed 9 March 2007 That review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: Before their final battle, Carth and Atton reminisce about the women in their lives. Prequel to I will not forget.

Some word usage problems ‘him’ instead of his. The interplay of the relationships is well delineated, and the scene, which is a common one for those going into battle is almost perfect. Good work.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Reflections and Endings Adnarim

Pre KOTOR above Malachor V: The deed is done, and the General suffers for it

The scenes are the hectic scramble you would expect in a battle. I for one shifted the blame for what is about to happen to another, primarily because I could not see the Jedi accepting a Pyrrhic victory. But regardless, our character must suffer for it.

Silence in the Midst of Victory
Elena

Pre KOTOR on Coruscant: In the aftermath of the Mandalorian wars, the survivors of that last battle disperse.

The piece was reminiscent to me of a song written by Eric Bogle named 'and the band played Waltzing Matilda'. For those who have never heard it, go to Youtube and put in the title or the artist. It was done in honor of the men who fought and died at Gallipoli, which to my mind was one of the worst run campaigns of WWI, and considering some of the boneheads in charge of the Allies at the time is saying something.

It is a little known fact that the Aussie troops captured the hills above Suva Bay in the first few days of the campaign, then were ordered back to the beach because thay had not been ordered to take them. Those same hills are the ones Bogle commented on where 'Johnny Turk' set up to fight the battle, and the massacre that followed was fought in a vain attempt to retake them.

Here we have not the battle, but the aftermath as the song covers well. No one is cheering when these people muster out, no parades, not bands. Just a group done with their duty departing.

Pick of the Week

The Blazer Wing - Chapter 1: At War

Last Of The Lineage

Mandalorian Wars: A Jedi General undertakes his first independent command.

Technical note naval; A corvette is a workhorse vessel primarily as an escort for convoys or larger warships in whatever time it is linked to, but it is too large to fit inside a hammerhead (What the Wookiepedia calls an Axehead instead) frigate. Yet you have several of them aboard this one.

Picture this modern example:

USS Stark, an Oliver Hazard Perry class frigate (Displacement: 4,100 long tons (4,200 t) full load Length: 408 ft (124 m) waterline, 445 ft (136 m) overall, 453 ft (138 m) for "long-hull" frigates Beam: 45 ft (14 m) Draft: 22 ft (6.7 m) Is taken aboard the Tarawa Class USS Peleliu amphibious assault ship. (Displacement: 39,438 long tons full and 25,982 tons light Length: 820 ft (250 m) Beam: 106.6 ft (32.5 m)

What is wrong with this picture? While the Corellian Blockade Runner from ANH was small enough to be taken aboard the Star Destroyer that pursued it, the Imperial ship (At almost a kilometer and a half in length) is a lot larger than the Axehead (Less than 315 meters), and even larger than the 150 meter blockade runner.

During the battle over Telos where the Sith attack, the smaller boxy warships that arrive with the Axehead frigates are corvettes, and none of them are small enough to be loaded aboard the frigates.

Technical, Ground Forces: The term mechanical merely means 'having to do with machinery' whereas the word Mechanized when used by the Military means to equip with tanks and other armored vehicles. Using modern parlance again, ground units are infantry (Both mechanized and leg or in modern parlance 'light' infantry) mechanized (A combination of both tanks and infantry) or armored.

Technical Ground forces general: When you combine units as you have done, you do not end up with a squad (a small number of soldiers, commonly 10 privates, a staff sergeant, and a corporal; the smallest military unit) with the numbers you have given you have a light company (Around 70 men instead of the standard 110 men of a company) of infantry with two squadrons of armor. That means either six or seven squads or an over strength platoon (44 men) of infantry.

The basics except for what I have noted above is good. Keep it up.

Affection's Affirmation
RogueLadySabyne

Post TSL: Sabyne and Mical?

RLS created her own version of TSL with count 'em, three characters as the Exile, with Sabyne listed above as one of them. Having each have their own view of who is a perfect partner is just good fun.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-19-2012, 02:48 AM   #1295
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Despair and Hope
Chevron 7 Locke

Originally reviewed 12 May 2012, re-reviewed upon request

SW TOR On Taris: A Sith feels an emotion that has nothing to do with evil

As said in the first review, The piece is up to the author's standards, which are high. C7L, because of the dichotomy of a Sith actually falling in love. I know it has to happen, after all, where would little Sith come from if they didn't?

Now the next is written from the Technical view, not my own heart, as it were; since I have never accepted the unremitting 'bad guy' motif of the SW universe.

Technical notes; Darth Baras is reacting as you would anticipate a Sith would except for one minor thing; one of the real sadistic masters would have merely waited until their journey brought them home, or gone to where they were, and had Toryal himself kill Vette. Remember that in KOTOR you get extra darkside points if you order Zaalbar to murder Mission rather than killing her yourself. Yet Baras made a further mistake when he ordered Quinn to poison her.

People tend to forget when they are reading that as John Ringo comments constantly in his Aldenata series, 'Aliens are aliens'. When he says it, he means how their minds and societies operate, whereas I mean physically. If you have read my own The Birth of the Republic and Republic Dawn, I comment on it with a drug in the former, and a naturally occurring anesthetic in the Twi-Lek analog of the mosquito in the latter. In the first case I go over (If I remember correctly) four different races and how it affects each differently. I did it again when Yaka, the Ithorian Padawan-learner of Breia Solo is eating pancakes with syrup for the first time.

So logically something which is deadly poison to say a human, might be a spice used in food preparation to another. When Baras ordered her death, he should have specified what to use. Not as hard as you might think, since with so many alien species in the SW Universe, any medical database would have listings of medicines that must not be used on members of another race. For that matter a cookbook would have a listing of aliens who should not eat certain dishes because of such a possibility.

Overall, good work. Keep it up.

By my side: Now and forever
Revan sama

Post KOTOR: The descendant of Bastila and Revan faces the same problem

A very nice view of a mother realizing that soon, as much as she or the child hates it, he will be alone if raised as a Jedi.

I gave a lot of thought to how Jedi raise the younglings, and as much as I loathe their restrictions on the age of an applicant, I do understand why it is done in this manner. However at one point in a story I read about a couple of years ago, the author had the Jedi literally whisking a child of less than one away to be trained. As I commented at the time, it means you would have to have an entire character class of Jedi babysitter.

The reason you take them young is simple; a child's attitudes are formed by their parents. As Francis Xavier who was one of the co-founders the Jesuit order said, "Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man".

To teach a child to become the kind of person you wish him to be, in other words, you need to start early. Between newborn and the age of two the youngling is fixated on learning about his world from example, and having his own needs met. Feeding, changing, cuddling, etc. Psychologists have proven that a child of this age who doesn't get attention a mother normally gives her child will have severe problems in associating with others later in life.

So you have to leave them alone until they are older than two unless you have a full scale team with no other duty than to cuddle and play with them. But to train them in Jedi skills (Or for that matter, the Jesuit outlook on life), you have to break them away from that constant 'me' view to have them willing to learn. Psychological bonds are formed in that early period that have to be broken or redirected as the Jedi would have it, which is why Anakin at nine (Three years after they would normally be taken) is considered too old; he is formed emotionally as much as any human being is before puberty.

kotorfanmedia

A Halloween Bash
Crystal001

Pre-TSL: All of the Sith Lords go to the annual Halloween ball...

I usually lambast an author for using Earth holidays (Go to Lucasforums > Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 to see why) but I didn't have the heart here, the piece was too much fun.

A couple of lines caused me to giggle. The Sith kiddies frying the stereotypical 'are we there yet' kid, the reaction of Nihilus to the building on Malastare; ' "And just look at what they have inside! They have captives--and torture chambers! They get to have all the fun." He folded his arms and proceeded to pout'. Followed by Sion's duel in the circle; 'Fi knew how to fight dirty, but Sion had a trick up his sleeve that Fi didn't expect; he fought fair and square. It took Fi completely by surprise, and Sion ended up defeating him easily because of it'.

Underneath all of the evil armor, they're just little kids, right?

Pick of the Week

Killing Light
Hazard

Pre-TSL: How the Twin Suns came to be

The piece is an interesting back story for the Bounty Hunter pair. The end of their master was so choice: 'He screams for his security, but they do not come. The food does not agree with the commander of his soldiers. The air does not agree with the soldiers in their barracks. The virus does not agree with the security system' showing how thorough their disabling the system was.

The only quibble I have is one that actually can be applied to pretty much a lot of the Roll Playing parts of the series; The burning Twin suns would probably mean their master was on Tatooine. But considering that it is one rather unimportant planet on the Outer Rim, having everything have to go there is sort of like having every adventure go through 'Outer Hicksville'; pop 74.

Pick of the Week

His name
Darkness and Light

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young Jedi reveals a dangerous power

The basics are good, and the description of how the power affects it's area well done.

My question is this; how would the Masters react if someone showed a power like this? Would they strive to find a way to develop it for use in a positive manner (Think of reviving a dozen or so unconscious men) or simply remove the child from the force?

Atton's Mistake
WinterOnasi

Pre-TSL: A new haircut? Not that bright an idea...

As one of the reviewers commented, this is the 'real life intruding ' type of story. Unless you have a reason for going to a barber (An episode of Noir where Murielle is getting information from her hair dresser comes to mind) getting you hair cut is merely boring for the one being worked on. Having everyone else, customers and workers alike be hairless was cute.

Confessions of a Fool
PhantomMenace

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: If only...

The piece is very well done, looking on what the man hopes for even as he feels he cannot have it.

Coming Home
Crystal001

Five years post TSL: Revan returns to a different Republic

The piece has an interesting twist. Two depart to defend the Republic, and a different pair become a couple because of what has happened since.


Fanfiction.net

The sith redemption
Brad

No specific era given: A Jedi falls

The piece had little rhyme nor reason in this first section. The Jedi doesn't even put up a fight, merely challenging, then falling to the dark side.

Mandalorians of the Old Republic
Wardude

Post KOTOR: A unit of Mandalorians face the Sith

Minor grammar note. Sheer (Close) rather than shear (cut).

The battle is brisk, but doesn't quite jell. Admittedly having a dozen or so men blasting away at the same time should overload the dark Jedi and cause them to be killed, but the scene is too contrived.

A Life Twice Lived
Misty Glow

KOTOR on Taris: The hero does what she must to survive

The piece is unique in that this one has the character dithering because she is wondering what trauma caused her to have problems with her memory. She is obsessed with it to the point that we are reading her journals.

Reunions
Fatemperor

Post TSL on Citadel Station: The Exile departs to find Revan

The piece is a lot lighter than most set at this point. Unlike Revan who is usually depicted as running off like a thief in the night, Taryn has already had the discussion of why she has to go alone, and her old shipmates seem good with it. I noticed the author used Brianna instead of Mical, but I tend to agree with him. She's much hotter and not as whiny.

the princess the exile and the bodyguard
Steffano

Post TSL crossover of KOTOR And Final Fantasy 7:

Remember conversation breaks; for that matter, remember quotation marks. In the paragraph (As you wrote it) beginning with Meanwhile you have six statements that are obviously conversation, but they are crammed into a single paragraph, and only two have quotation marks. This is confusing to the readers. You should also remember to capitalize proper names so it is Shadow, Cloud, etc.

In the paragraph beginning with 'Evacuate the ship!' you have too many things happening, and you had sequencing problems. You have the escape pod launching at the same time as the missile hits, yet say it was before the missile struck. Remember that while it looks to be instantaneous when an explosion goes off (Of any kind, even Nuclear) the blast front propagates away from the detonation at a set speed, very high for a nuke. If you are inside the blast radius you are superheated plasma, and within line of sight you are hit with radiation that super-heats everything around it, which is why you have flash burns a kilometer or more away.

Only then do you have the affect you mention, the shock wave pushing the object away.

Descriptive note: The Mon Calamari is a race, not a planet (Their planet is named Dac) which is home also to the Quarren. The reason I mentioned it under description is that the Mon Cal, like the Selkath of the game, wear environmental suits when out of water. When the escape pod was discovered, the first thing they noticed should have been her race, after all, how many Goldfish or Squid do you know that walk upright and talk? Also, without knowing more about that, how would you estimate age?

There's an old Science Fiction story about an alien rampaging through a small town after a spaceship crashes. Everyone panicking as you would anticipate until the creature is finally captured. Then, as they are getting ready to get really violent with the captured being, they are told that two members of an alien race is visiting our planet, looking for their youngest daughter who was in a small ship that crashed earlier.

Suddenly the humans seeing 'her' can pick out all of the signs of immaturity to the point of saccharine sweetness.

Remember that the flow of a story is like a river. It can be as smooth as glass, as choppy as white water, but you are the one determining that course, and the smoother the flow, the easier it is for the reader to merely lay back in the water and allow it to take him where you want him to go.

It was a confusing read because of the errors listed above. It made no sense for example to exile Silver merely because she had feelings for Cloud.

The Dashing and Tragic Carth Onasi
Candace McPenguin

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two pilots bond, then are destroyed by that bond

Technical note: It makes no sense to put even basic flight school on Coruscant. One accident can take out a multi-tens of thousands skyscraper. Look at present day Miramar Puget Sound or Pensacola, one for further training, the last two for new pilots. Both of those locations are lightly occupied, meaning few if any are in danger. Whereas placing basic there is the equivalent of putting it in downtown modern day Tokyo.

Second, they would not allow a woman to follow her boyfriend from base to base, though once they were married Morgana could now be assigned housing.

The piece is well done with a lot of good back story on the relationship between the two men. But the ending makes what Saul intends too obvious. A man planning treason would not be that obvious, and Carth's reaction in the game suggests the approach was more subtle than it is portrayed here.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-26-2012, 01:34 AM   #1296
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Bastila in wonderland!
Revan sama

Pre KOTOR: Alice in Wonderland, KOTOR style

Remember to sight edit; you have worked instead of work in the paragraph about the Duchess and Cook, then used smock (a piece of apparel) instead of smoke (Burning leaves breathed).

One reason to sight edit is you (like I) forget words, like 'Castle of (the) queen', and didn't told me, it's either 'didn't tell' or 'never told'. 'because the guards don't let the outsiders taking the fruits' should be 'because the guards don't let the outsiders take the fruit'; it's only plural if the assailant is not.

Remember that if you're crossing over with a different universe, it has to match both of them. So if you're mixing Louis Carroll and George Lucas, your additions must match his work, along with that by GL. As an example before Revan every other character you met was a cardboard cut out. It doesn't quite fit otherwise.

Watch this clip from the old Moonlighting episode 'murder in the mall' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fT4LqmyjexA; where the writers went all Dr. Seuss on us. I have not seen the scene since the special they made around 1982 when they ran it again, (which means 30 years) but my own memory played out about 90% of it without a bobble. The writer kept to the information from the episode, and converted it to Dr. Seuss's style. He even added an homage to the Dr with:

Maddie: How do you do that?

David Addison: I read a lot of Dr. Seuess.

SWTOR: Part I: The Pursuit of Revenge
LDR

Rework of previous piece reviewed 30 June:

'until it cut the droid in two' should be 'as it cut the droid in two'. 'he went into hiding' because of context should be 'he has gone into hiding'.

Technical note: A vibroblade and a lightsaber are entirely different weapons with different operating principles. The best description I have found is not from the SW universe, it's from “In Fury Born' by David Weber where they call it a Force blade. You have a blade of metal that is by itself sharp, but the metal blade is only a guide and focus for the force field that makes it even more deadly; a force field that can be focused down to the molecular level, and extends the 40 cm metal blade to almost a meter.

A lightsaber uses the crystal to create a beam of energy, and the 'beam emitter' sets the length of the 'blade' you have created.

The reason I mention this, is Cortosis according to canon interferes with the crystal's function itself, disrupting the beam within the beam emitter area. Think of the applique armor created by the Israelis and Russians. Shaped Charge weapons had grown strong enough to penetrate anything but the English designed Chobham armor, and those without such armor were feeling inadequate. The applique (Also called explosive armor) creates an explosion of plastic explosive mere centimeters from the actual physical armor on impact of the probe (Which is set ahead of the warhead) creating a roiled area of air which disrupts the shaped charge blast, and weakens it.

As a lightsaber passes into a layer of cortosis, it breaks up due to feed back and shuts down. A vibroblade would be unaffected.

This is not a ding, it's just that I have studied military ordinance for over four decades, and when I see a weapon such as a light saber revealed, I find out how if works. Thanks to the authors of the EU, I have a pretty good grasp of this.

Understand the weapon, understand how it is used, and what has been done to try to negate it. Then go out there and make your version work.

Fanfiction.net

The Return of Revan
Cowgirl Jack

Post TSL: With a few companions, the Exile sets out to find Revan

Remember to sight edit, you used noticed instead of notice, then in a descriptive line had Carth tell 'her' about Revan.

Technical note: A frigate is a midsized warship. If you looked in A Janes' fighting ships from this Era in Star Wars, the Ebon Hawk would be considered the equivalent of a blast boat (Think of Boba Fett's Slave One).

The writing style is dry in the prologue, and the entire back story was unnecessary beyond the discussion with Revan. I for one wonder why Revan didn't kill Soner as well.

Reflections
lacthryn18

Minor grammar mistakes, it is their stations not there. Sheer (Thin) opposed to shear, you also used abut (To border on) instead of about

Don't assume the spellchecker will catch all mistakes. You used trooped instead of trooper, and since it was correctly spelled, the program ignored it. Remember to sight edit. This isn't perfect either; when I wrote my own Return From Exile over at the Lucasforums story site I used you're instead of your, and my readers caught it as a grammar mistake, but I reviewed the chapter and sight edited a dozen times before I caught it.

Minor technical notes: 'Melee weapon' is a class of weapon, like saying polearm or firearm. The range of weapons within that class run from a zwei-hander sword down to a roll of quarters., though in the next paragraph you gave a type to it.

A bulkhead is a solid surface on a ship, you go through hatches in them. For a second I pictured the scene from the Clone Wars movie when Ventris cut through the hatch here, then pictured it closing back up by itself when Trask leaped through.

An insulator protects against an electric current. What you meant was that the armor acted as a conductor, which carries it.

I only had time to read the first chapter, and I wish I honestly had the time to read the lot, because you have a crisp clean style. The problem I had with the original game was that you don't know exactly what force took down the Endar Spire beyond the few fighters shown in the opening scene, which, if you have read history from WWII, might have been able to blow a frigate away by themselves.

I noticed your comment that you were following the scenes pretty much as written, and that actually detracted from your style. Having Carth or Trask give advice regarding other parts of the game such as shields or slicing was done so a newbie gamer realizes they are options. In real life, as you showed with other things, it's all up to the character fighting for their lives. Explaining what she did to use a secondary system to power the door for example was good. The end scene in the pod was funny because I know there was somewhere other than his lap to sit.

Pick of the Week

Hell and Back

Themapples

Post TSL on Dantooine: Two old friends consider not the battle, but what they were fighting for in microcosm.

The piece is a nice little slice of life. The battles are over, and they merely watch two children play, knowing it is what the whole battle was for. The only negative I could see was totally removing the Force from Dantooine as if it were a storage battery drained by all of the fighting.

Pick of the Week

Lies
DarkPrince

Post KOTOR: Some lies must be told...

The piece has a darkside ending with a male Revan, but you don't know that until the end. But love still bridges the gap between the Darkside and the light in this piece.

Pick of the Week

Best Intentions
Trillian4210

Ten years before the Mandalorian Wars: A young Iridonian goes through the day he becomes a man.

The piece is very well done except for the flash forward needed conversation breaks.

The look into the life of the Zabrak of Iridonia is excellent. Reading it I got a feeling of a modern group of Native Americans using recorded drums, with the shaman who has other duties during the day giving each boy his own ritual to match the old ways. Having a force sensitive finding this specific boy's path is excellent.

Pick of the Week

Not Some Fabrication
Even Gods Dream

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Where does the dream end?

The piece is both gently loving and terrifying. The Exile goes through loving one man, murdering another, and waking up to find that it hasn't happened.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Back Up: The Refugee Sector
Onasilvslv

Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Following a dream, Carth goes to find the man in it

The piece has a mystery element to it until the dream is explained. The idea that everyone in the cantina he visits it makes it perfect.

Memento Vivere
Revan's Pet Duck

TSL on Malachor V: As the last two survivors of the crew fight to escape, they have both agreed they will not die.

The piece was well done, though sad. The line Jiara liked reminded me of the movie Thor which I saw two weeks ago. Thor commenting that he didn't plan to die, and Heimdall replies 'No one ever plans on it.”

Stay
Adnarim

TSL on Citadel Station: He doesn't ask to go, only that she stay a little longer

The piece is poignant in it's sadness. Like her friend, the Exile must go on alone from this point. But the one man she truly cares about must stay behind...

Pick of the Week

Riena
Crystal001

TSL on Telos: The Eldest Handmaiden has some disturbing thoughts.

If you have read my own Return From Exile and the Beginning, you will notice that I have tried to dig deeper into the mindset of the Echani because sadly, there is little in Canon about them beyond their making their own weapons and armor and physical descriptions. We know more about Ithorian society than we do about this now defined as near human race.

Crystal has done what I did, fleshed out the attitudes behind that face, given us a deeper understanding not only of the specific situation, but the main characters view of it; an important point when discovering why a specific race does anything.

As an historical example, there are three things to bring to mind. First, Americans had little understanding of Japanese society before the Second World War. We knew they were Asian, and not a whole lot more. This went both ways. Second; In one of his 'The Corps' books, A character said it best as an analyst; The reason the Japanese were still using codes we could break two years into that war was because they believed their codes were too subtle for the Western mind to comprehend. The fact that Operation Magic worked was because of that arrogance.

Last, when the Raiders struck at Makin Island, the prisoners captured were executed. Yet while the Americans were incensed by this, the Admiral (Admiral Abe) required that the executions be done using all the proper forms for a respected warrior under Bushido. They were given the proper last meal, the executioners were warrant officers; in other words, superior in rank to the executed, and it was done on 16 June, which to the Japanese people is considered very honorable; it is during the festival of Mitama Matsuri when all of the souls of warriors are honored at the Yakasuni shrine, and newly dead are enrolled.

Remember the movie 'The Last Samurai' when the disgraced General is executed? The only person on the field superior in rank to him was the leader of the rebels, who acted as his second when he committed Seppuku; a high honor under Bushido. If you wish, check out Google for the term and see what Bushido requires for a failed officer. It will turn the Western stomach, but is considered the norm. Think of a German or Japanese soldier dying in the US during that war, and being buried at Arlington with full appropriate military honors from their nation.

In return for their 'honorable' treatment of these men, the Admiral and two junior officers were hung for murder at the order of a second lieutenant.

Keep it up.

Pick of the Week

Storytime with Grandpa
Darby Ogill

40 Years Post TSL:Granddad has some interesting stories...

The piece is interesting first because it's a Bao-Mira pairing. We get to see the patriarch of three generations regaling his grandchildren about the mission that brought him and hisw wife together, with a lot of humor and love involved. His version of how the ended up marrying is funny because you see him in it as a clueless Barve caught ready to be served for dinner, while the truth is not even close to it.

Pick of the Week

Malachor V
Vervain

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: Let it end today

I have a highly retentive memory, and the scenes before the battle remind me of 'The Longest Day' where the fighter pilot played by Richard Burton blows up about when the invasion is going to start, yet ends the scene with 'as long as they wait until I finish my beer'. The Exile here like that man after over four years just wants the waiting to be over.

The fun part was the byplay, the young man who curses every other word, enjoying it when the general slips.

The battle was well done, both in space and on the ground, the terror of the Mass Shadow Generator driving them both insane for moments.

Looking at the aftermath, three Republic ships departing, I am reminded of one of the supposed quotes from King Pyrhus of Epirus after the battle of Asculum where he supposedly said '"If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined."

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-26-2012, 04:03 AM   #1297
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Thanks for the review mach! It appears I still have much to learn.

I thought that it was phrik that short-circuited lightsabers - not cortosis - which is why I didn't use it. It appears that I mismatched them.



Forgive, but never forget. No amount of DLC can take back lying to your fan base. Trust is earned, not downloaded.



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Old 09-02-2012, 10:11 PM   #1298
machievelli
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Deos et Mortabilus
Yukub

Non SW: An observer of the human race may have delved too deep

While only an intro, it does have possibilities. One minor quibble; man suggests that the observer is himself human. While we assume genders for say angels, they are not humans by definition, so having one angel ask the 'man' whose post he has assumed would be incorrect.

The way around this would be to simply say he had asked the Cusgard before him.

Going on about angels for example, the descriptions have always been of a being that is beautiful, but androgynous. That is why the actress Tilda Swinton who played Gabriel (A male) in Constantine was good for the role.

Kill John (Chapter 1)
christos200

Imperial Era: An assassin is sent after a target

I have said it before, and I repeat, one thing you need is someone to beta read and edit your work.

'Give me the same drink I had drink yesterday'. should be Give me the same drink I had (to)drink yesterday. and the following sentence should merely be 'What did you drink yesterday?'. when he says he was drunk the next sentence, 'I had already drink a bottle or two' would be smoother if you had said I had already (had a few) but remember that using White's law (A writing tip for a professional) never use two sentences when you need only one, (Even corrected using both sentences are redundant) Never use two words when you need only one, and never use a long word when a short one will do.

Also, just saying it was from Naboo is like the comment in the old Star Trek episode when Scotty is drunk enough that he can't identify a beverage, and just says, 'It's Green'. If I walked into a local bar, and started the conversation as you did, I would be handed a list for most nations instead of the bartender saying, 'Ah, that'.and it isn't you drink three, it is you drank three.

The fight scene and the intro to it doesn't work. If someone tried such an obvious protection racket opening in what I have seen of the Star Wars universe, they would have found themselves covered from every part of the room by customers that don't want their drinking disturbed. It's like the stereotypical scene where stupid crooks try to rob the bar the local cops hang out in.

Also why is a man who is standing going to stab his opponent in the foot? He has a knife, not a sword, so he would literally have to bend over, making himself an easy target. Instead he could cut the arm or slice across the chest, cutting the clothing and not the man if he is any good. Or he could have just thrown his knife into the foot if that is your preferred target.

It would be He died a month ago, not 'before a month'. Also 12PM is automatically noon just as 12 AM is midnight, so it doesn't have to be explained. 'what is the Job of this guy' should be 'what does he do for a living', or 'where does he work'. Last in the intro section the word in brackets is redundant.'enters (inside) a strange building'. Also, what makes the building strange? Is it something that doesn't fit the neighborhood? In Japan for example, you'll have a bunch of towering skyscrapers and in among them some little family house or farm where the owner refused to sell, and still lives there as a break in the panorama. A building can seem ominous, as in that it has no windows looking into the street the observer is on. Give us more than just 'strange'.

The basic idea is good, but without a beta reader, you make it a chore to read your work. I had to go back a couple of times or read the sentence over just to figure out what you were saying.

kotorfanmedia

A Life-Debt Unpaid
Light Speed Tangent

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Mira fights for her life

The piece needed editing. Primarily because the battle didn't make a whole lot of sense out of game context. As much as they used mines with varying effects, ice, gas, etc, in real life they don't make a lot of sense. If you know an enemy might use poison gas, you make sure to have a gas mask as part of your standard equipment. Same with smoke, carry a set of IR goggles. That is why in modern usage you have smoke (Primarily as a marker) incendiary, flash bang and frag.

It's such a quiet thing to fall—Atton
Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: Who is the hunter and who is the hunted?

The piece is like all of BAM's work, interesting and with surprises.

I hate it when the next scene is so obvious I know what will happen. I love to be surprised. So this one did just that. The idea that the last Jedi Atton supposedly killed was still alive, and who she was shocked me.

And I loved it.

Pick of the Week

A Jedi's Heart
Nadia

approximately five years Post TSL on Dantooine: Revan and the Exile will be returning... Is it time to finally tell him?

A member of a militia is a militiaman.

The piece is a bit surprising in the pairing. The idea that she has waited all this time only to discover he loved her as well was good. The statement given to Mical by the Exile was poignant; it's the part about holding no love that has always been a problem for me with the Jedi beliefs.

Echani Wisdom
PhantomMenace

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: If he won't talk, beat it out of him

The piece is good because both characters are themselves. I played the game with a female character and put up with Mical once before I restarted it and used the mod to have Brianna instead, and was much more satisfied. After all, I like the Echani race very much, and when I create a character of that race, they are always live to me.

Since as Brianna says several times, her people judge you only in conflict, and having this be a knock down drag out sparring match makes wha she does learn even more interesting. The ploy Atton uses to stop her from asking more questions; kissing her, was well done, and didn't surprise me at all, though her later reaction did a bit.

Pick of the Week

The Many Levels of Maintenance
Darby OGill

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Fixing things in more ways than one.

As another reviewer commented, it took me a moment to figure out what Bao was doing, and watching it was fun. I really can't accept the last few lines for only one reason; having Atton just suddenly ignore the mind trick sounded to me more like he had finally caught on and was getting even, especially with his clueless act.

Another reviewers comment that the Exile would use buy me chocolate was also fun.

Pick of the Week

Smoking Buddies
Revan's Pet Duck

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk on Korriban: Another way to pass the time.

I notice that more and more, people are linking Death Sticks to cigarettes. The first time I did it was when I got frustrated with one of those vehement nonsmokers who act as if you've just dumped plutonium dust into the air; which is the premise of the 'dirty bomb' we all worry about.

It was a fun way to get these characters together amicably without, as an other reviewer commented making them best buds or bed buds.

Fanfiction.net

Finding Destiny
Inconspicuous Acuity

During the Jedi Civil War: Looking into several people's lives.

The piece had a few rough spots for me. First the Jedi passing out the equivalent of religious tracts. When I read the scene, I suddenly pictured Obi Wan Kenobi, and Anakin Skywalker in suits knocking on someone's door like Jehovah's Witnesses. Or like the old 'Prop 10' Commercials in California where they spent a lot of money the first two years on ads to explain why the tax was important while a couple of billion dollars ended up in the State coffers to be 'borrowed' for other projects.

The problem with it of course is that the Jedi is not like a church you can join. Anyone without the ability to learn would be like blind people wondering what this talk of sight is all about.

The other is the idea that Nar Shaddaa is nothing more than a combined game preserve and hiding place.

The basics are good beyond that.

The Juggernaut
Auros Sopherai

During the Mandalorian Wars: As the war goes on, people change, and not for the better

The piece had some grammar problems, senator's instead of senators for example.

It was a unique view of the war, that at Revan's behest, they allowed their own version of Pearl Harbor just to force the enemy to overextend. The idea that the Mando'a would ignore it if the Republic captured their home world fits with the view I have of them; Like the Spartans that disdained building a wall around their capital, because to their mind the army was that wall.

As the author said at the end, there are those who think Arren Kae became Kreia, I am among them. But as the author said, if she is, whatever happened to cause the change happened there.

Tales of KOTOR: Downfall
Dante-Raven

Pre KOTOR: The capture does not go easily

The piece is a sweeping panorama of the battle with ships blasted as others fight on. But Revan is focused on other things. The pace is well done, the carnage well wrought.

Pick of the Week

An unexpected memory
Bald As Malak

TSL enroute to the Exile: Visas uses a dream to fuel her wish to die

The piece lets us see more of Visas, and what we see is someone desparate to die, holding onto fragile memories she somehow siphons away from Nihilus. She wants normality like a slave wishes freedom.

Pick of the Week

Holding the Line
Darth Garak

Mandalorian wars on Balmorra: One prisoner sees the heart of his opponents

Only one editing comment; you need to remember to sight edit because of will pass a spell check, even if you meant off as you did.

I started out not liking this work; I always hated reading about the trench warfare of the First World War; not because I could not understand why the trenches were necessary, but because of the arrant stupidity of the high command on the Allied side where you had futile attempts to break the line by running men across it against machine guns.

But that changed when the Republic prisoner is shown the Mando'a heart. We see that while they are faceless monsters in uniform, they are just men like we are. All too often in war stories, the enemy are monsters with no redeeming values, which makes your fighting them a duty to the species. But it is because that author refuses to accept that others can have the same values as your own society does.

That is why my favorite movies of the last decade or so were Avatar and The Last Samurai.

Pick of the week

Beauty From Pain
ALISHAxxCADExxLEVESQUE

Several years Post KOTOR: The twin children of Bastila and Revan go to find their father

The piece is a bit dry, and the prologue was unsatisfying. Usually this means I don't read any further, but in this case I made an exception.

I was glad I did.

The prologue just set up cardboard characters who were just there, doing whatever cardboard does. But the first and second chapters brought them to vibrant life. The balance of having Alex (The sister) giving her father the same look his fiancee might have, then having Xander (The brother) punching out his father because after all they have imagined, they find someone who starts lecturing him like the other parent. A poignant scene that made me wish the author had gone on with it.

Perhaps you will?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-08-2012, 10:57 AM   #1299
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Just Like Me
Amme Moto

KOTOR on Endar Spire: The heroine gets a little unexpected help

The piece had a fun feel to it. The heroine learning over a few months to deal with the other woman in her head before the battle happens, and the byplay between the two during the battle is choice. The argument over whether to attack the Sith squad or using the droid (Which is partially overheard by Carth) sets up some interesting possibilities to me.

Pick of the Week

Third Chance
Inconspicuous Acuity

Pre KOTOR: A Republic ship heads for an ambush

A quibble about timing. As you yourself pointed out, the 'great battle' in the game came down to one ship getting shot to hell, yet yours starts with it enroute to that battle. You also leave Revan completely out of the equation of the Star Forge; Malak having a massive fleet with Revan before capture having only what she took out with her. Now I do agree that the Forge might not have been up to speed yet, or Revan (Who is the tactical Genius while Malak is the Bull in the China Shop) had been holding them back before deployment.

One thing I have never understood about the game is why the Sith hadn't been refurbing ships using parts made by the Star Forge instead of new-built ships. I know the new ships makes deployment faster, but to conceal it's capability, making spare parts would have kept the other ships in service long beyond their service life, which would make you deployment of Republic vessels taken into service by the Sith sensible.

Technical note: Read my own article over at Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! Because she isn't in her bedroom, she is in her sleeping compartment.

Military tech note; Before the formation of the US military during our Revolution, mustangs (Enlisted men who later served as officers) was a rarity, and especially in the Navy. An enlisted man, say a sergeant, might receive a battlefield promotion if a senior officer really needs the help, but when a ship came back in with only enlisted men commanding, the navy just said 'good man', and filled out the officers cadre again from those who were 'qualified'.

This is because except for the US military and the Republics that followed, you bought your commissions between 1600 and 1900. Before that it was your social rank, so a snot nosed kid who was Duke automatically outranks anyone except for the king, regardless of experience.

But in the mid 18th century the British navy began competitive exams for promotion to Lieutenant, a very important step, and what is now called 'brevet' promotions between Lieutenant and commander and post captain, what we now just call Captain. Once you had made captain however, it was all seniority. Something the army didn't do until the British government had bought up all those commissions which finally ended just as the century turned. A lot of the carnage during WWI was due to British Colonels and Generals who had bought their way to Colonel (The last purchased rank) and were then promoted due to seniority.

So far (Author's Intro and pre battle) it is pretty good.

Walk On Water
Omnitense

Post KOTOR: Revan goes in search of himself

The idea that Revan would try to find out at least some about his previous life is an obvious thing, but there were some odd turns in this story; the idea that the Jedi Masters just reprogrammed him to their own narrow view of the world without even attempting to wonder what had caused him to turn is interesting, as is the idea that his home world had not changed, but he didn't remember the planet.

Technical note: a ship does not have an east or west compartment, because east or west depends on the facing on a compass, not just the way the drawing oriented. That is why a vessel has port and starboard along the frames of the ship from fore to aft. Also why a house will have east and west rooms since it anchored the planet.

Players of the Old Republic
Inconspicuous Acuity

No set time: How the world reacts to the game...

The piece is funny, having one of the teens get murdered by Malak, and the parents acting as if they didn't even know. Blaming the game for all the world's evil is also perfect, considering D&D was so blamed just a few decades ago.

Star Wars A Forgotten Hero
JamesFisko24

Before Phantom Menace: A young Jedi begins his own training center.

When I looked at the prologue from your work I immediately checked the nationality. I noticed that you are American, and already out of High School, so I had expected much better.

The first problem is that there are a number of misspellings. This can be handled using a spell checker, but you also had a number of misused words that would pass a check such as fond instead of found.

The biggest problem is that there is no coherence; the prologue (Just an intro) covers his life from the streets to starting his own academy, sort of like using the entirety of Roman History to just act as a showcase for the arrival of the Christians.

You have to remember that while writing is hard work, it should be for the writer, not the reader. A reader wants you to 'tell them a story', and you have to grab their attention and keep it. Try reading a story to a child, and you will notice when their attention slips. Maybe you're using words they don't understand, or the story isn't compelling.

A reader is harder to please, because unlike the child who just has to put up with whatever you chose, the reader can put the book back on the shelf and chose something that does interest them.

So go on writing, but remember that if you don't please the reader, it doesn't matter if you publish a million words or just a simple haiku.

Confrontation
Inconspicuous Acuity

TSL on Dantooine: The Exile meets Revan in a vision, and deals with her own complicity

The piece was thought provoking. The primary thing she learns here is that as much as she wishes to blame Revan for her actions, she must take responsibility for what she herself had done. The confrontation with the Masters will soon follow, and she is now more composed.

kotorfanmedia

Silver Splash
Evil Shall Giggle

Post TSL On Dantooine: With the adventure over, Mira must make a decision, and comes to a realization

The piece is well laid out, and I understand her fascination with fountains and rain combined. Her thoughts are clearly expressed; her feeling for Dain (The Exile) are clearly the love soldiers have for a good leader, but her feelings for Atton are more primal. As the author said in the last line, because Mira tends to run away from her feelings rather than confronting them.

Pick of the Week

Touring the Ship
Allronix

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Canderous walks the ship and his memories

The piece was written for a KFM challenge, 'lies'. You can feel his loss and his new displeasure as he does. He remembers the ship in three incarnations; as Davik's smuggler/yacht, under Revan's command, and now under the Exile, and the new crew comes out second best, barely ahead of the thugs who had been the crew under Davik.

Like any old warrior, he like remember the challenge best, and thinks the new crew will never measure up. While he lied to Kreia, claiming he had never been on board, compared to what is there now, it wasn't munch of one.

Pick of the Week

Rule #1
Jedi Valius

Post TSL on Ossus: Rule #1: Never let anyone near you...ever.

The piece was interesting, like the old west bit where the old gunfighter has to fight that one enemy before he dies. As SS said, a pity you set it on a dead planet. But move it to anywhere else, and it works well. Hell, one thing I try to do is create one new planet in every one of my works so that we don't end up yet again on Dantooine or Tatooine.

I loved it right up until Mira got killed, and Rule one came back to haunt Atton yet again.

I had to agree with RPT; you went to all the trouble to create this nemesis Atton had to confront, yet all we see of him in the final confrontation is Atton attacking him, then him dead, so no vengeance is gained. I didn't feel his self imposed mission was worth Mira's life.

Pick of the Week

A Miraluka Never Lies
Bald As Malak

TSL Aboard Ravager: Visas comes to e revelation, and knows she must do the unthinkable; She must lie.

The piece takes an in depth look at the Miraluka society and values. To a people interconnected to the Force, there can be no lies, but as she survives the death of her race, then bonds herself to Nihilus rather than merely die. Her search leads her to the thought that there is something beyond the Force, where every lie she has been told by her society and situation will be no more. So she goes in search of the Exile not to kill or to join, she goes to die.

Pick of the Week

Betrayal
SecondRate

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Don't tell Atton about your chocolate stash... Just as Mira!

The piece is funny with a couple times where you're sure either Mira has shot him or at least came close. His attemptys at explanations don't help, as he just gives her another reason to be mad.

Beauty and the Scoundrel
Kiraboros

Originally reviewed 8 December 2006 at Lucasforums. That review is below:

After TSL: Sometimes the best way to get people together is with a little force...

There are some words usage issues, but nothing major. The basic idea as one of the characters said is as old as time, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work.

Reprise Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-11-2012, 11:02 AM   #1300
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurry View Post
good work. ill take ur suggestions in mind

Nice to know you're paying attention. After all, though I am called the critic, my job is more on the order of a creative writing teacher.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by mimartin; 09-11-2012 at 02:52 PM.
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Old 09-15-2012, 02:53 PM   #1301
machievelli
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kotorfanmedia

Origins of Pain
Imaginary Fiend

Pre TSL: With Malak dead, and Revan redeemed, there is room at the top

Others have commented on grammar errors, so I won't. This shows a side of Sion you only barely see in the game, that he had a lady love of his own in the Academy who died there. Also that when he left the Korriban Academy, he was only fleeing, not putting a crown on his own head.

Well done

Consumed
Eru Melin

Originally posted at Galactic Senate, Coruscant Theatre 22 Dec 2006 under the name Emalin. That review slightly altered, is below:

TSL on Malachor V: The duel between Atton and the Disciple

During TSL: Atton and the Disciple face off in one of the many cut scenes.

The constant driving himself to attack makes Atton look not only real, but a little deranged. Very well done.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Atton's Unexpected Detour
Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: How Atton ended up on Peragus

The piece is fun, and perfectly believable. The idea of a Twi-Lek female, the epitome of sexual attraction wanting to find a man who wants her for her mind was even more fun. Ending up on Peragus and finding a card game fit well.

Pick of the Week

Blood-Prologue
Evil Shall Giggle

Pre KOTOR: A girl gets a chance to see the world as the Jedi see it

The primary problem I had was the idea that only Jedi have midichlorians. From the description given as to what they are, it suggests they are all pervasive; like the flu virus. While the same virus would be a benign inhabitant in some, it would cause others to get ill.

There is also no evidence that a transfusion of blood from a Jedi would give you the same capabilities. If there were, I could see a black market arising where they are kidnapped and drained.

Love Should Be A Rifle
Harmoniad

TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk: HK tries to define life and love

The piece is an amusing little jaunt, and his decision, that he has to keep Bao-Dur alive, if only to maintain his rifle, is funny.

Kreia's Loathing
Crystal001

Pre TSL: Kreia's musing on the thing she hates the most

Here Kreia is just frustrated as we all get with life. As a Jedi she had tried and failed to make changes, then as a Sith. Now she is determined to change something even if it kills her.

Fanfiction.net

Promise
Lady Revan

KOTOR enroute to the Star Forge: Carth has to face his own feelings

The piece is excellent as is most of LR's work. Considering where it started, I wish I could read the other thirty-odd chapters.

Pick of the Week

Unknown00Love
The Mishaness

TSL on Malachor V: Only then does she realize...

The piece is short, but the feeling strong. Holding the body of the man she finally admits she loved was poignant.

The Adventures of Bastila Shan
Omnitense

Post KOTOR: With Revan now gone on his quest, Bastila finds she must flee herself.

The piece was interesting, albeit short. The ship made me think of friends I used to have that never got around to fixing their cars even as they still drove them.

The Legend of the Grey Knight
Darth Shihiro

Your opening paragraph was far too long. Remember that a paragraph should deal with only one idea. By my count, it covered four.

Some confusing sentence structure and lack of punctuation; As an example, 'It is said you have passed with honors every single one of the assassin tests thrown at you and that is something that I Lord Leon can advance to a level that will make the mere mention of your name to those pathetic Jedi a death sentence'. would read better as;

'It is said you have passed every single one of the assassin tests thrown at you with honors. That is something that I, Lord Leon can advance to a level that will make the mere mention of your name to those pathetic Jedi a death sentence'.

The other problem is flow. Think of a river; your story should flow smoothly from place to place, taking the reader with it. Overly long paragraphs or confusing sentences are like sand bars snagging the reader and dragging them to a stop.

The piece is intriguing, but I don't know if the Sith carry over the 'Padawan' into their lexicon since all you ever hear the Dark Jedi calling a student is 'apprentice'.

Star Wars: Combat Evolved
cthulhu-2588

Decades after KOTOR: A young scientist makes a discovery

The piece was intriguing, but disjointed. There is no explanation for who the aliens were or why they even attacked the planet. I had considered that they might be the Yuuzhan Vong originally, but the description didn't match

The Hopes of the Republic
Kendoka Girl

You had a redundant 'sir' in Trask's reply. The problem is, this is a way to insult a senior officer without the man having a reason to get irritated by it.

Technical note: According to the Wookiepedia, the class of the Endar Spire is a frigate, a much smaller class of vessel than a battle cruiser. One problem I have had with the whole SW series has been that they use very few class designations; sticking with blastboat (What I would define as a gunboat instead) corvette frigate and cruiser. There is no given class for either the Star Destroyer or Super Star Destroyer for example.

Fighters: Until the Imperial era, fighters were not hyperspace capable. They were using rings in the Clone war era, but we have not seen those in the game era 4,000 years earlier. Since the Leviathan is only about half the size of the Star Destroyer (Which carries 72 fighters) having 300 begs the question of what carried them all to the battle.

Melee weapons; A melee weapon is a class of weapon, not a specific tool. It can be fists, clubs, knives, even guns used to club someone with. While the game had Trask give this instruction, merely putting away his blaster and drawing his sword would be enough instruction.

The piece is well done, and the battle scenes aboard the Endar Spire flowed very well. The disjointed thoughts; confused when she awakes, then remembering her time in the academy, picking up a sword and only then remembering that she was class champion does make her an interesting character to watch.

I just wish I had time to read it all.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-23-2012, 01:18 AM   #1302
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Fury of the Shadow
Yukub

Earth present day: A terrorist makes an appearance, and delivers a warning.

Technical note; Before the advent of the modern frangible bullet, no one in his right mind fired a gun in an aircraft; the bullet would pierce the skin and cause an explosive decompression anywhere above 10,000 feet because the air pressure inside the aircraft is lowered to that level as they go higher.

Second; there has been exactly one hijacking where a parachute was aboard, that was the DB Cooper hijacking of a 727-100 on 24 November 1971. At that time, Cooper had the aircraft land to unload the passengers, most of the crew, (three stews) and had two parachute sets (two main and two secondary) loaded. You see, putting on a parachute is not something that can be trusted to the untrained, and having them aboard for all passengers (The plane Cooper had hijacked had 36 passengers aboard before the civilians were removed with total possible of 150) would have been a nightmare if they needed to use them. So they are not standard equipment on any commercial aircraft in the world.

The primary reason I believe that Cooper chose that flight was that it was the only American airliner of the time that has a rear loading ramp for passengers. Anywhere below 10,000 feet and a speed of less than 300 knots would allow him to parachute out without too much trouble. Any other Boeing, or for that matter Douglas product before 1967 had side loading doors, requiring a lower speed.

Fanfiction.net

Star Wars Combat Evolved Revans Journey
cthulhu-2588

Crossover between Halo and KOTOR: Now Revan has to fight this enemy

Technical: I had been bothered by an enemy totally impervious to weapons the Mandalorians or Republic would field, and it wasn't until this piece that I suddenly realized you had done a crossover with Halo. The problem is that the human ships, weapons and defenses of the game are not far removed from our modern day. The Master Chief in Halo is using weapons like what you can get today with little refinement. Yet KOTOR is perhaps 30-50 years advanced over our own; (We are already looking at the 'laser pulse weapon in 40 watt range' mentioned in the original 'Terminator' movie).

So even with such a difference, it is like a British General being terrified by the advent of the machine gun at the start of WWI. And from what I have seen of the game, the enemy is not impervious; just harder to kill.

The Ever Changing
Jackie Almasy

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk after Leviathan: The one torn apart most by the revelation tries to pull herself together

In my own version of this scene Revan just went into a fugue and wrestled mentally with the two different sides of her being. The scenes here were actually better than mine, wrestling not with her own mind, but with that added to feeling she has betrayed all of them by not knowing.

Pick of the Week

A Love for A Scoundrel
Fall Out Guirl

TSL after Malachor V: With Atton laying injured and unconscious, the Exile is finally willing to admit her feelings

The piece is poignant with that feel of finally saying what you think and feel. Too often in life we do not do that, leave things unsaid until it is too late. I loved the end for the same reason I loved the phrase 'I know' When Han Solo said it in TESB.

Our True Love
Fall Out Guirl

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton admits his past, and the Exile decides she loves him

The piece was a little too pat for me, as was the scene itself. I never liked the idea that the Exile would hear Atton's story and decide then to make him a Jedi; In fact in my version only the women were so graced originally, though all could be. Part of my problem with the scene vis a vis Atton was 'he's a stone killer specializing in Jedi, but I am going to trust him'.

The Wayside
Gan Xinqba

Originally reviewed 13 January 2006 at kotorfanmedia. That review is below:

Set in KOTOR II I believe. An intelligence agent and ex-Jedi apprentice investigates the suspicious deaths of several Jedi masters.

Written in a journalistic style, the author leads you gently into the story with a bit about the main character, setting the scene and characters, and draws you into his created world. Very well done.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Mirrored Souls: Beyond the Travels
David Alan Abramczyk

Post TSL AU on Dantooine:

An interesting view of what follows TSL; having Visas and Brianna melded into one. Beyond that, it is a pretty much generic version of two people getting ready for a night of love.

kotorfanmedia

A Master's Vision
Ellecrys

Pre KOTOR on Taris: A Jedi master dies to set the future in stone

The author says it's is their first work. My Statement, Bravo! The character created is almost a caricature; a Jedi who sacrifices herself to save Rand. But the author makes her alive, links her to the Exile in such a way the sacrifice makes sense, then links Atton back to that woman he would later serve.

Pick of the Week

Affection's Acceptance
RogueLadySabyne

Post TSL on Telos: Mical tries to get closer to Sabyne.

Others commented on the author fleshing out Mical, but he is the one character that has needed fleshing out from the start. As for making a character likeable, if any character needs help with that, in my opinion Mical is the one. I am curious as to why she had been avoiding him all this time; unless it is the reason he thinks it is.

Gunning Down Romance
RogueLadySabyne

Post TSL, no location given: Atton has a hard decision to make

The piece is both poignant and angst ridden. While there is no proof that Mical went with her on her search for Revan, Atton is still convinced she left because she loved the other man more. As he wanders through this story, he is torn between wanting her back, and wishing he never met her, until the end.

Pick of the Week

The Persistence of Memory Part I
Niobe Asha

TSL shortly before the Exile's crash on Telos: Bao-Dur is enlisted in the struggle against Czerka

All of the complaints about the piece are listed below under Canon

Canon: According to the Wookiepedia, Ithorians of a herd generally unable to act against the status quo. There are only about half a specific Ithorians named who have done in the 12,000 years since first contact, so the idea of a Mission Impossible sort of rogue group is highly unlikely. However if they had instead merely suggested to Bao Dur that Czerka had to be stopped, but left it up in the air as to how, the Iridonian could have come up with a rationale for it. Picture a human version of the same thing from one of my own stories; a Catholic priest who has a patient on life support, and no chance of recovery. He could suggest that someone who does not share his specific faith can unplug it and allow him to die.

I know of this from experience with my own mother; when she had her seventh child her doctor warned her that she was reaching the end of her ability to support them as a single mother. Instead of prescribing birth control pills, he instead passed her off to a Protestant doctor who had no problem with such a course of action.

rewriting history
Harmoniad

TSL AU: What if Atton had been in Sion's place?

I have to agree with Plutospawn that it reeks of being chapter one. I did enjoy that unlike Sion Atton takes Kreia completely out, but it begs the question of why the Exile is still alive.

Jaq Rand
Jaina Solo

Pre KOTOR: AU, what if Atton had sought out the Sith rather than fleeing?

The piece is nice and dark. Atton is still the same Atton we know, but the darkness consumes him easily, and it is not surprising that it does.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-30-2012, 03:15 AM   #1303
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Neverwinter Nights: Show me your face!
Revan-sama

Non-SW: a Revelation and a plot

R-S, you need to remember to sight edit, you jumped tenses, forgot to finish words, and used the wrong word enough that it was extremely noticeable.

The premise is not new; in the Japanese Anime Vandread the Doctor Duella McFile constantly wears his long hair down over half of his face, and in the very last episode Pyway, a young teenage girl of the crew finally does what all of the female crew has wanted to do from not day one but maybe after the first few months, she slaps the hair out of the way to see what he really looks like.

There is also the Taxation minister in the series Story of Saiunkoku who constantly wears a mask, and actually changed his name Kijin, Japanese for Eccentric, though in the English voice version they use 'weirdo' because of that affectation. When someone claims he might not even be the real man, it is revealed that he is so attractive even men fall in love with him when they see his face.

But trying to make money from his looks... That was new.

kotorfanmedia

One Big Happy Family
Crystal001

Pre Mandalorian Wars AU: What a perfectly dysfunctional family...

Co-authored by Walruseater and HK47FAN

Minor editing problems, read instead of red for the Droid's eye, and good instead of food

The piece was funny in a Married With Children kind of way. Nihilus eating a lekku, Sion getting beaten up because he hangs around with the Sith kids, just a typical family... Not. I wanted to sick my finger down my throat when the adults were lovey-dovey just like Sion mimed. The sadistic droid was a fun touch.

Nihilus
Jaina Solo

TSL, no specific date given: A look into the mind of Nihilus...

Like a lot of JS's work this is thought provoking. It is not surprising that he would start small, or that his hunger was addictive. But it was interesting in that he does not consider himself a Sith, only a hunger. I believe that this is what the Masters think will happen to the Exile; but maybe they are sensing him rather than her (My Exile was female).

Pick of the Week

Relationship Issues
Darth Kronos

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk on Dantooine: Covering his butt in more ways than one...

I ran into this story, then had to laugh all the way through it. The internal monologue about women at the first started me off, and his having to use Mira's shirt to cover his groin was fun. The story reminded me of a scene from Terry Pratchett's A Hat Full of sky when a character named Rob Anybody asks in Tiffany Aching wants the truth or a great lie, since the lie had dragons in it.

But that last line, as a guy, was not only enjoyable, even if it was a low blow.

Pick of the Week

No Longer a Jedi
SvartKnytt

five years pre TSL: The General now Exile seen through Kavar's eyes

The piece is sad, and the saddest part is why they are calling it a trial, it is more a sentencing. The scenes in the Council chamber from the game come across as more forceful in that she didn't really anticipate her Exile, or the fact that her emotions about Kavar could only be expressed this one time.

Pick of the Week

Ice Roses: Found
SkyePrism

PostTSL: The Jedi draw unwanted attention, to the detriment of those who aided them.

The piece is flowing well, the interplay with HK what you would expect. HK I think would goad someone into a fight mainly because he's being restrained by his owners, and like a bully, wants to be able to say the other person started it. The attack is short and to the point, as is the bombing of the farm house.

Departure
Rotgutt

Post TSL: He won't let go, and it's the only way he can make sure

I think you meant cockpit canopy, not hanger doors.

The piece was sad, and you can feel the emotions on both sides as she tries to bid him goodbye. As does happen occasionally, the author surprised me with the ending.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Satisfied
Facing My Failure

Tsl aboard Ebon Hawk: Will he be satisfied with just that?

The piece is disjointed, but even there it flows. The Exile is nerve wracking in her decision to keep to her own warped course, and subrors Atton readily.

The Mandalorian Wars
Deralian Shadow

Early Mandalorian Wars: Canderous has to deal with a problem child

You need to remember to sight edit, you used the wrong word several times but it looks more like you were just in a writing fugue and didn't bother to look to see what you had written. Not a big problem; I do the same thing when the scene is flying in my head.

Your treatment of the Mandalorians as a people is uneven. I liked that you had them eager to take the women and children not as slaves, but as wives and recruits; but from then on it sort of fell apart. Constantly cuffing or tranquilizing a child is not going to make the kid obedient and attentive, that is done with discipline a little less severe. And the idea that you just shoot the kid because she is crying or giving up after only a few days doesn't fit either. Also the idea that they would ignore their own injured personnel or merely shoot the sick out of hand makes them a little too casually brutal.

If you look at historical warrior societies, you will see that they were as human as any other with some changes in how they raised their kids, but nothing as major as what you portray. I even wrote an article comparing my view of them on Lucasforums, LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > How to understand the Mandalorians.

The custom of the Deralians wearing some kind of covering their faces makes me think this is Revan, and it would explain the mask of later years. But such a custom would come from somewhere, so why?

An interesting beginning to a nine chapter work.

Misfit Christmas
Handmethatcookie

Post KOTOR: Christmas For Dummies is right

Remember that Star Wars always starts with 'Long ago, in a Galaxy Far, far away'. This means the holiday you're portraying is in the future, not the past.

Read my article on holidays; Lucasforums > Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 to see what I mean.

Other than that, I thought it was funny, knowing you are supposed to have decorations and a tree without the faintest clue as to what they are supposed to consist of. It is sort of reminiscent of the Futurama Christmas episode where they use a palm tree because pines are extinct.

Lunar Lando IV Rogue Commies Rising
Supreme Dakari Lord Cerventes

AU: The Commies return, this time to the moon

The piece has serious writing flaws, misspellings, improper terms, even temporal disruptions etc.

First, while Reagan was President was elected in, he didn't take office until 1985. The Berlin Wall did not come down until 1989 and Communism is still alive and well outside the old Soviet Union. Holographic technology was in it's infancy at that time, so no holographic phone.

As for the Iraq war, the first figure you gave, 450 million would be (If I just counted Arabs) everyone living from Pakistan West to the Pillars of Hercules, and the smaller number given (456,000) is four times what Iraqbodycount.org lists. I myself refuse the premise of that site that everyone killed in that conflict is automatically the fault of one side, as claiming a car bomb planted by a terrorist that killed is our fault for being there is a specious argument. By that definition all 70 million odd deaths in WWII are automatically our fault, including everyone killed by the Germans.

Time in the Suds
Fall Out Guirl

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Even the dour Carth is still a child at heart...

The only problem I had with it was the idea that there was a tub bath on the ship, especially since the author said it was a shower at first. But just picturing that humorless man sitting in a bubble bath, playing with toys like any kid made me laugh. It reminded me of the movie Spaceballs where Dark Helmet is playing with the Spaceballs action figures.

Pick of the Week

Swimming With Gizka
Blackblackheaven

KOTOR on Tatooine: Why does Revan have to deal with the infestation?

Some grammar problems, wined instead of whined for instance, or improper words, costal when I think you meant postal.

The piece is funny because everyone expects Revan to fix the problem. Of course in the game everything where you need a decision is left up to the main character so that is understandable. How he fixes it is a riot.

Pick Of the Week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-06-2012, 12:30 AM   #1304
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Due to a reogranization of fancition.net I loaded my normal page and discovered that nothing matches where I was just last saturday. So I am taking a week to try to catch up on that reorganization. Sorry about that, people.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-16-2012, 12:56 AM   #1305
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Oculus
Yukub

the phrase 'came to return' was confusing I would suggest 'came back' or 'returned', but not both. If they panic under fire troops usually need time to get themselves organized again so using it to point out how an advance can be slowed made sense.

Technical: With the birth of special ops units, the FAO (Forward Air Observer) has pretty much been retired below Brigade level. These days, every team has more than one person qualified to direct air support. The problem here was you had no such strike missions; helicopter gunships or their equivalent do not need an FAO, because they are observing the fight in real time. Second, your air support doesn't have any high performance aircraft like the enemy deploys.

This is not a major problem; American attack helicopters routinely carry anti-aircraft missiles of the Stinger type, and it has been proven in combat that when air to air combat devolves to helicopter vs jet, it is whoever gets a missile off first who wins. However few aircraft fly low enough to get hit with a grenade, so having one shot down by the infantry doesn't make a lot of sense.

Gjalt Hegemony - Religion and Mythology
Yukub

NSW: Treatise on gods of a created race

All right, I understand you are working on this, but to have a vote on which three gods are preeminent every decade is confusing. First, which priest is going to vote for someone else's god? If you are just having them vote by numbers look at what would happen world wide here. Between them, the Catholics and Islam would win all of the slots because you have to figure in the Eastern Orthodox in the voting. The protestants would be hard pressed to get that last slot, since the demographics world wide are about 40% either Catholic or Eastern Orthodox, 30% Islamic, and less than fifteen percent Protestant with about the same Hindu or Buddhist.

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KotOR Luvers Community!

Set Course to Random
Rockthecross74

Post TSL: Read the warning label...

The piece started out just funny, and went from there to Bizarre. Having someone just punch 'random' into the navcomputer reminds me of a scene in 'Venus on a Half-Shell' where the main character tells his computer he wants to go to Heaven, only to discover that there was a planet settled by the Chinese that had named it Heaven in Chinese.

From there as I said, it went bizarre with T3 wearing a toupe, the crew dancing with Darth Vader, G0T0 TPing the ship, then ends with a very funny punchline.

Into the Darkness
Bloody White Rabbit

Post TSL: The Jedi Council gets a frantic message from the Unknown Regions.

The piece needs polishing more than anything else. Some of the wording feels wrong and the action in the second section is being pushed too hard. Jolee's character was OOC to me because while he does ramble into stories, he does focus when something has to be done.

A Jedi's life is Sacrifice after all
Bloody White Rabbit

Time indeterminate, but during KOTOR series: A Jedi give up her home life for what she must do

It is undetermined which game it is in because as the Author (And I) feel, Revan would have been as good if not better as a woman. The angst of having to leave finally for the Unknown Regions is well portrayed.

Atton the Monster
Bloody White Rabbit

TSL through the game: Atton sees the Exile as his anchor

The piece spans from Peragus to the end of the game and beyond. The author's view, that the Exile would bear his child is well done. You get the view that even if the child's mother dies, the legacy will live on.

Guilty Bonds
Herana

During the Mandalorian Wars: The concept of the shadow mass generator is created

The interesting point is that the author places the original onus for the concept not on Bao-Dur, but the Exile. While the Exile can be played as a tech, I can't see her becoming a front line General because of it. In real life such a General ends up attached to a secret research facility as far from combat as possible, because they are more important in a lab than in the front lines. Just one of the niggling things that bothered me about the basic story of TSL.

For example until the close approach of the Russians the scientists developing the V2 were in Peenemunde until the Allies found out where they were, and was relocated to Nordhausen when the Russians approached it.

However the idea that she would have been there when it was deployed was logical.

Fire And Darkness
Shadow Of The Storm

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Why does she choose such losers?

The piece focuses of the Exile, but primarily on the relationships she gets into, and not in a good light. Chapter one, which I have read, covers Atton's admission, and her reaction. Her original reaction is a very human one, her later one more a woman unsure of her emotions. This is one I wished I could read through.

kotorfanmedia

The Emerald Gate- Chapter One: An Unknown Land
Kaikuro

Post TSL: Bao Dur crashes on an odd planet

The piece flows well, but we know little as yet of what is happening. Using Bao Dur makes it like the start of the Wizard of Oz.

Nights of the New Republic
Verna Jast

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: So Mical does that?

The piece was fun in an odd way. Having Mical be a secret writer was cute enough, and having Atton start the conversation pretty much accusing him of viewing internet porn perfectly in character. As for 'spacing the scoundrel, there are times I agree with Mical about that...

Ice Roses: Destination
Skyeprism

Post TSL: Now they have a destination

The primary problem with this piece was that the fight scene felt contrived. The build up to the actual fight made little sense as the thieves spent too much time talking. The teenager's reaction was well done when you find he is Mando'a; 'oh dear, idiots trying to rob me'.

However when the fight does begin, it becomes less real. First, a rifle is slung, not attached to a belt. You have three men facing him, and they are close enough that one has to take a few steps to hit him with a blade, yet you have two others shooting and missing at the same distance. Remember you are staging this in an alley, and most alleys are not that large.

Ice Roses: Pilot
Skyeprism

Post TSL: Looking for a pilot, Winter finds an unanticipated one.

The piece flowed well, and the characters are fleshing out well. Corran's knee-jerk reaction to the idea of hiring Kreios who we met in the last chapter is a bit stereotypical of some hick fresh off the farm, but as a writer once said, they have stereotypes for a reason.

The bar scene was a bit rushed, but having it be Dustil helps move the story along. The internal dialogue of Winter remembering her master's comments as she approaches Dustil was well done. It seems the force is working to help her mission.

Life and Times of AR
Danni Mison

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Atton Rand as a young man

The piece has a nice feel to it, though there was some grammar problems, savor instead of savior for example. The escape was good, and Rayce commenting several times that he didn't want Niben to kill Atton, at least not in his apartment balanced perfectly with his shock at not only spraying Juma all over the place, but killing a 16 year old bottle at that makes him almost like Felix Unger from the Odd Couple.

Pick of the Week

Sharing Blame
DLRevan

Post TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: She's what?

Stint is a time of service, and prefect a rank.

One thing, remember not only conversation breaks but paragraph breaks as well. Think of a story like a road going from one place to another. The paragraph breaks are like the intersections, and the conversation breaks are the road signs. What you did here was create your road, but you have a lot of construction slowing down traffic.

The concept was fun, a practical joke within another joke.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-20-2012, 11:36 PM   #1306
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kotorfanmedia

Peach-Flavored: The Extended, Revised, Attonized Edition of "I've Gotcha"
Tatooine92

TSL on Telos: After an eventful adventure, Atton is rewarded

The piece is a bit of fun with Atton's constant sarcastic inner monologue, harping on everything you would expect him to grumble about.

It reminded me of a T shirt I saw the other day that you can pick up at Roadkill dot Com:

Support The National Sarcasm Association, Like we really need your Help

Pick of the Week

Running
Tatooine92

TSL, no specific era given: A dark side Atton terrorizes the Exile

The piece is so dark that you might feel nothing can go right in their lives again. I tended to agree with all of the negatives that BAM made, but know from research that some women who have been raped, and especially 'date rapes' where a light dose of rohypnol is used, that the women afterward wonder why the body's natural reaction to pleasurable stimuli wasn't easier to stop.

I think Elizabeth Moon in Once a Hero said it best. When a rescued prisoner is despondent about vomiting, his friend points out two things; One that he was concussed, and concussions sometime cause vertigo and vomiting. The other, that vomiting is a natural physical reaction that can be caused; add the right chemicals, and the person will vomit regardless of any control.

Bao-Dur: Echoes
TangentialJedi

TSL, no specific place or time given: Bao-Dur relives Malachor V again

The piece is better done than the usual run of stories covering the event. Revan is not the dark monster intending to murder off her less trustworthy followers, though that is still an option considering the aftermath.

One of the other reviewers wondered why he was rehashing this, and my reply is this; one of the primary portions of what is now called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is being forced emotionally and mentally to relive the horror that caused the disorder. In Bao-Dur's mind, he always considered himself the author of the disaster, as shown when he reminisces with the Exile.

Nihilus 3
Jaina Solo

Pre TSL: How Nihilus came to be

The piece was excellent! The idea that Nihilus had been created by his own people was breathtaking!

In Human society you have the 'perfect' sacrifice; be he the great warrior captured, or the 'king' of the bean in European views. The one perfect sacrifice to the gods. Here you have a child burdened with every sin striking back at those who have burdened him with their sins in negation.

Choice.

Pick of the Week

Tales of a Selkath, Chapter 1: Homecoming
Praetyre

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A Selkath Jedi moves to join the war

The primary thing the work needed was editing and polishing. The tended to slow down and ramble a bit much, and some of the sentences were cumbersome. Basic grammar and language was good, so I think you might be ESL, English being a second language. You did get the frustration at failure well.

Ice Roses: Detour
Skyeprism

Post TSL: The team makes a detour...

The piece fits in well with what went previously, and the fact that it was basically a wasted trip was just icing on the cake.



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Once Upon A Dream
Depositink

Wrong words used some time scatter instead of scattered.

Some cumbersome sentence structure; 'It sound of an old woman, but not it sounds cryptic' made no sense. I think you meant It sound(s like)an old woman', but can't figure out what you meant by the second part. 'She could hear the old lady have a smile when she asks' was probably meant to be 'She could hear the old lady (had) a smile (Or was smiling) when she asks'. 'She calms her money' should be claims. I think the problems I mentioned above are because first you write like I do; using a stream of consciousness; visualizing the scene and just recording it, but you also do what I do sometimes, which is forget to sight edit because when you use the wrong word, it would pass a spellchecker.

Only read two chapters into it, but it was good to that point. I'm still wondering how she was transported and why; I hope you explain it later.

Emotions
MLynn1990

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: There are times when reciting the code just doesn't help...

Some improper word usage, follow instead of followed, that kind of thing. Nothing sight editing won't cure.

This is one of those works I wish I could read all the way through. Calling Atton a Pazaak whore was choice, especially considering who is doing it.

Pick of the Week

Princess
LadyArin

Some period of time post TSL: It's all how you say it.

The piece is as the author stated, fluff. And I agree about the sugar content; I'm having my next cup of coffee without just to make up for it.

But it gets across very well, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Pick of the Week

Last Night I had a Dream
EvenHere

TSL, no specific period given: The Exile has dreams of Atton

The piece was an excellent little work. Each dream is a possible future she sees, even one where she had gotten out of the Med bay to find the energy cages empty.

Pick of the Week

The Exploits of Darth Revan

KOTOR: Destiny's New Path
Robby The Phoenix

KOTOR Alternate Universe: What if Revan had escaped, but Malak had been captured?

The piece is 25 chapters long, and unfortunately. I was only able to read the first one. The basic premise is good, and the scenes well written.

The Power of Choices Part 1: Rise and Fall
Brazilian Sith Lord

Mandalorian Wars, Alternate Universe: What if Bastila had gone to war with Revan?

Some improper word usage; raised (Lifted) instead of razed (destroyed) and saying where her duty lied instead of lie. This is more of an editing problem than anything else; though the fact that you're Brazilian means you might not know English Grammar that well.

The idea that the Jedi would get low ranks thanks to Council interference makes some sense, but assigning an army rank (Lt General) to Karath does not. I loved the comment that most of the Admirals are related to Senators; it brings to my mind my own KOTOR where after the war, they were going to assign Karath to the Academy as commandant when he was one of the best fleet commanders they had; all because he wasn't of the right social class to keep.

The one battle scene I read was too contrived. Having Malak's ship close enough to brush the enemy fits in with the way the movies do it, but in real life you would have hundreds if not thousands of kilometers between them. The primary reason they do the battles so close in the movies is that most of the audience members don't realize this.

However as a ground force commander, Revan would have little or no authority to operate the local ships; most navies don't let ground force officers command even a single ship.

Also, I cannot agree with your characterization of the Mandalorians; the idea that they are, as they said in the Making of Star Trek, the 'Mongol Horde in space ships'. As much as the enemy might see them as horrible monsters killing for no reason, a warrior society has a rationale to it. The Mongols for example didn't lay waste to every city, only those that resisted; Though they did literally depopulate Poland, and later Persia, the first time was to draw the Germans and Austrians into trying to catch them. The second time they were terrorizing the peoples to the south of Persia into obedience. Yet you have the Mandalorians devastating planets as they pass just because they can.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 10-28-2012, 11:35 AM   #1307
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The Exploits of Darth Revan

Star-Wars Kotor III: The Exile's Redemption
Dream-forger

Start of a New KOTOR: Having fallen to the Dark side, the Exile gets another chance at redemption

You have problems with grammar, the wrong words being used; smirked instead of smirk, wander instead of wonder, that kind of thing. This is easily fixed by sight editing as every one I noticed was usually something that would pass a spell check. Since I did not have time to read it all, I read the first and last chapters, but you had that same problem in both.

The story is good, and I especially liked the scene in the first chapter where good people are being dragged to the dark side just because of their force bonds. And the idea that Love will redeem you.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR: The Power of Choice
Sith Lord Darth Revan

Pre KOTOR: Revan is defeated, but was he?

The piece is very well done, and the battle scenes superb. There was one issue that I will address below in the technical comments. The efforts to save the man's life is perfectly counterpointed by her considering that she could have merely put him out of his misery only after the efforts brings him back from the brink.

Technical note, Rules of Land Warfare: While shooting wounded men as you advance is, by definition, a crime under the rules, it is one usually punished by reprimand during an attack. As you are charging forward, and trying to complete your mission, you are considering that wounded man as a threat able to shoot you in the back. It is only afterward, when the enemy ship is secured, or the advance has halted, only then do you get rid of the adrenaline, and now consider that wounded enemy trooper as someone who like you, was fighting for a cause.

That is why if you're not charging forward on the offensive, shooting the wounded is punished severely. It's the difference between shooting someone who can shoot you in the back, and walking into a field hospital and walking down the row shooting all of the enemy troops, the difference between being full of adrenaline, and killing someone in cold blood.

Pick of the Week

Oh, How Ever Did You Survive Without Me?

Attack of the Clones
Amme Moto

KOTOR on Korriban: Sometimes the only way to convince others is to make them come along.

The piece is interesting because it's linked to a story I have not yet read that precedes it, and the premise, that something can link two times together was fun. The idea of our friend Revan dealing with Obi Wan Kenobi as a child, and now as a young Padawan makes me wish I could read it all.

Pick of the Week

STARWARS: KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC
Prfan

20 years Post KOTOR: The daughter of Revan faces the Son of Malak

Remember conversation breaks; it is hard for a reader to keep track if he isn't sure who is talking.

I had problems with the way it was written because you pretty much had the masters say; 'we knew of the problem, but you have to deal with it, oh, yeah, here's your team'.

Star Wars: The True Sith
Charles Lamont

The style is confusing, and there is a flow, but it's like being caught in the water after a whirlpool ends, being thrown one way or the other with no rhyme nor reason to it. The fight scenes have no coherence and tend to be confusing. As an example of things that don't make sense, you have a disabled ship in orbit, and it is attacked by a fleet. In a case like that you do not blithely go about repairing it until assassins board; you scuttle and abandon ship.

Also, if you had disabled their shielding and they know you're close enough to board, they will have people at the docking bays and hanger deck. Landing 30 craft completely unnoticed is as believable as the old Douglas Adams radio show where a Kamikaze dives on a carrier, lands, gets out, goes to the bathroom, then takes off again.

Technical notes: You didn't need the term ninja in the description of the weapon. Merely calling it a throwing star would get the idea across. Also, you had one character using a Klingon sword without saying you were doing a crossover.

One person flamed you and I understand why. You characters are cardboard cutouts that have no dimension to them. Your pilot to Korriban is sort of reminiscent of Han Solo, but Han accepted the commission to fly Luke and Ben to Alderaan with no questions asked. But he was actually the one character with some depth, but even that was almost nonexistent.

My advice is to work on description, characterization, and flow. Read some actual books by published authors where you have fight scenes, either infantry or naval.

You need work kid, a lot more work.

Femslash KOTOR

Later
Yggi

KOTOR Enroute from Lehon to the Star Forge: Juhani focuses on one brief moment of happiness, and what is to come if they survive the battle

Except for one kiss, I don't even know why it's labeled fem-slash. Both my KOTOR work and TSL work had elements that could more realistically be called that; In both I created an Echani bond where you can become sisters (My Female Exile and Brianna, since I really loath the Disciple) or a married same sex couple (Where My female Revan asks Bastila to join with her).

The piece is tightly written, and flows well.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Pieces of a Whole
Tatooine92

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: After his past with her, can the Exile forgive and forget?

The piece pans through three meetings of the Exile and Atton, when they are both children, when he shoots but doesn't kill her after the Mandalorian Wars, and then when she accepts him as her apprentice. I thoroughly enjoyed him as a kid, wanting to look tough, a kid of nine thinking he looks twelve!

I had a problem with forgiving and forgetting, but that's just me.

Pick of the Week

Ice Roses: Libitina
Skyeprism

PostTSL: The team picks up another member after a bar fight

Remember, you blockade a planet. You would barricade a neighborhood. The sentence 'and therefore not necessary to step in' is incomplete. You have the same problem I sometimes do of forgetting to finish them.

Ice Roses: Base
Skyeprism

PostTSL: The team needs to get some codes, but to do that...

A consul is an adviser, you meant console, as in an operating system access.

The story is flowing well, and the byplay, such as Corran being shocked when she killed the Sith, but unwilling to admit it was fun. The scene Kiraboros described was also choice, like the acrimony between the Disciple and Atton regarding a female Exile.

Agony
Chemist

TSL, No specific period given: As he watches Atton and the Exile, Mical remembers another woman he loved and lost.

The piece is an unrelieved darkness. Inside Mical is something as dark and dangerous as anything Atton might have done, and the Exile could be the catalyst for it's birth.

Losing Battles
Chemist

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk No Specific period given: When it comes to a battle of wits, he might as well be unarmed

I liked the piece because Mical actually comes across as someone I might have known and liked. It's good that someone out there actually likes the guy and is willing to use his created personality to convince us to try to like him.

Pick of the Week

An Easy Contract
Jaina Solo

Pre TSL on Nar Shaddaa: There's a reason Mira brings them in alive...

The piece was shocking in it's own way and very well written. The scene reminded me of Morell's 'Fraternity of the Stone'. The main character in that work loses his family to terrorist violence, is taken in by a friend of his father, and trained as an assassin. On his last assignment, he has two kills less than a day apart that must be recorded on the same roll of film; an oil company rep, and one we later find is the Ayatollah Koumeni. It's an attempt to destroy opposition to the Shah.

He makes his first kill, shooting the man as he is driving through the mountains in Europe, and as the car goes off the embankment, a child is thrown from the car and survives. He is so shocked that he doesn't go on to the other kill, instead he joins a charter house of the Carthusian order which practices cenobitic monasticism. This is where he begins the novel when the Agency that employed him discovers he is still alive, and sends men to kill him.

The only thing I didn't like, was that Mira didn't turn around and blow her client away at the end.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-04-2012, 10:43 AM   #1308
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Medieval Conquest CHAPTER 1
Scorge

NSW set in the mid 16th century: After his mother is taken by bandits, a young man goes to rescue her.

Most of the problems are technical, except for these:

Remember that a paragraph is defined as one completed idea. Your first paragraph is actually three different thoughts; the attack, the treatment, and his intent to go after them.

Remember conversation breaks as well. It is hard for the reader to follow when you have everything compressed as you do.

Technical: The Medieval period actually ended in 1492, at the start of the renaissance.

The term medic is modern, it was coined in the First World War when partially trained soldiers were assigned to treat and transport the wounded from the battle field. As for seeing a doctor, you have to remember that every family member old enough to understand knew what we would now call basic first aid, so he would not have had to go to a doctor. He would more likely have slathered the burn with grease (The method used at the time).

While having the king send some of his soldiers along, that didn't make real sense. At that time, a peasant or tradesman was expected to stay at home and do his duty, the soldiers would have been sent without him. He is more important economically at his trade rather than running around the forest. And while he might be allowed to accompany them, that would make him the underling rather than commander as you might imply.

Long time no see.

Star wars knights of the old republic Return of the jedi
battle111

Post TSL: A new danger arises on the horizon for the weary Republic.

Since the author is Lett, I posted it in that language so he would understand it more readily. In case you're wondering, there is a site that pays you to browse websites named ALot which has a translator attached to it with about forty different languages and alphabets to match. Check it out. If you really want to know what I said, use a translator and check it out. The language is Lithuanian.

However if you have spent more than a month reading my reviews, and can speak English, you can probably tell what I said without all of that...

Battle111,

Aš nežinau, kaip gerai, ar vertimas yra čia, aš naudoju vertėjas, pridedamas prie tinklalapį, pavadintą partija, kuri turi funkciją kaip jo dalis siūlomų įrankių juostoje.

Aš einu, kad galėtumėte tai tiesiogiai į mano kitą peržiūrą vietoje, todėl jūs bent jau galimybę suprasti savo kritiką, aš nematau reali problema su savo darbo už tai, kad jūs, atrodo, kad kai kurie, bet ne suvokti daug anglų kalba. Aš siūlyčiau, kad jūs paprašykite kitų rašytojų beta skaitytojas siūlų, sklandžiai. Tai nėra kritika savo kalbos įgūdžius, be šios programos aš net ne bandyti rašyti sakinį Lett.

Aš norėčiau pasiūlyti padaryti tai už jus, tačiau jei aš beta skaityti ir ją ištaisyti, aš nesu pasiruošęs jį peržiūrėti vėliau


kotorfanmedia

Good Guy
Plutospawn

Pre- Mandalorian Wars: And this guy becomes a hero in the game, right?

Like any man who had a rough life growing up, he made some choices that make him less than stellar in his relationships. The part about joining the Army just so he can destroy things was choice. He's such a bad person it's good.

Just A Kid
Tatooine92

Mandalorian Wars Era: Scenes from Hell in a child's mind

The piece has a gritty feel of reality. You could change the name of the enemy to any from our own rather bloody past, during any sack of a city, and it would feel just as real. The brother being killed casually while rare in real life, does happen. It is no wonder that Atton considers the Jedi as much an enemy as the ones who carried it out.

Pick of the Week

The Deal
Schmoopy

Pre TSL: When he's caught, Atton didn't expect a deal

As Plutospawn said, I tend to not like present tense. However the in depth in your face feel of this work makes is something I can accept, and enjoy. The idea of stealing something that seems so minor and finding out it is really important to the one you stole it from reminds me of the Movie Adventures in Babysitting, where a kid steals a playboy magazine, not realizing that a very important document is inside it...

Pick of the Week

Atton and the Author in His head
Tatooine92

TSL No specific period given: Don't mess with the author...

The piece blind-sided me. I expected some looking into the mind of the character followed by some angst work. Instead I had a pushy author looking into a character's mind and pretty much expecting him to jump through hoops. If you have ever seen the episode of the original Twilight Zone, it seemed like a light hearted version of the Episode 'Shadow Play' where a man sentenced to die is really reliving over and over the same nightmare.

Pick of the Week

Kotorfanmedia as been up and down this last week, It was up obviously long enough for me to review four there, but is down again, so I will review two extra from Fanfiction.

Fanfiction.net

Was finally able to reconnect to the main thread of Fanfiction again. It was due, I discovered, to the fact that the site navigation has several different ways to connect to different portions of the same thing with stories in each section that are not accessible directly. I finally figured it out after I posted my latest piece; a Bloodrayne story and took two days to find it.

His Bitter Sweet End
BlackBlackHeaven

KOTOR on Star Forge: Carth has to make one more try to save her

Remember conversation breaks. The only reason I was able to follow the thread of the conversation was because you broke it after each paired comment.

The story is a pretty but sad way for the saga to end. As the dark lord she cannot be bothered by love ever again.

Her Darkest Days
BlackBlackHeaven

Post KOTOR on Star Forge: Follow on to His Bitter Sweet End. Haunted by killing him, she now seeks redemption by confronting the ultimate evil

Except for the idea that the Sith merely sit around and do nothing without their Dark Lord commanding them, it was an excellent piece. The mourning and brooding took long enough that you can see that except for that last quest that may redeem her in death, she has nothing remaining to live for.

Pick of the Week

The Unknown World How It Should Have Happened
HandMeThatCookie

KOTOR on Lehon: What if it were a snowy planet, and one of your own might be a traitor?

Some odd sentence structure; 'She didn't alert much of her attention towards me' should be divert, since alert would imply her full attention. 'He turned the rifle on the rarely used safety feature.' Should be to keep the attitude, He set the rarely used safety.

The by play between the characters was what made this a fun read. The other Jeid and HK berating Carth, Mission wondering who insulted Zaalbar's cooking (The only reason she could see for the sudden silence) and everyone ignoring any attempt by Oak(Revan) to reconcile. It reminded me of a scene from an old Movie of the Week named 'Sole Survivor' when an investigator sent to examine a wreck from WWII takes off. The guide asks the senior officer if there is anything else to do, and William Shatner, that man turns, and snarls, 'Why ask me? I'm only the man in charge!'.

It's 17 chapters long, and I wish I could have read it all.

Pick of the Week

Echos
BlackBlackHeaven

You forgot conversation breaks again. I think from seeing it not happen in the last work I reviewed, but did in the first and this one, that it is more likely that you are writing faster than you can keep up with, and you missed them because of that. Don't take that negatively, I do the same thing. It's an editing problem more than anything else.

It's encountered, not in countered. You use the word nearly several times as in nearly hitting, but suggesting by context that both Sion and the Exile had been hit, rather than strikes being blocked.

Having Atton arrive as the Exile seems doomed is a nice plot twist, as is having him throw his lightsaber to her rather than use it to defend himself.

Snakes And Gizka
Kallamae

KOTOR on Tatooine: Another of Jolee's stories has Revan even more confused than normal.

Some improper word usage, rescues instead of rescued, thought instead of though, bedside manor instead of bedside manner. And as much as I loved the idea of the Tach throwing it, the Wookiepedia defines poodoo as bantha fodder, not feces.

So He Was Right
HandMeThatCookie

Post TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Atton is nothing if not persistant

It was a cute little piece, the Exile spending weeks depressed about having killed Kreia, and Atton as he always is being pushy about getting her over it. The last line was just icing on the cake. Short, but fun.

Pick of the Week

What it Means to You
Amme Moto

KOTOR on Lehon: Carth has to make a decision

This was a rather unique way to look at the situation, that when Revan fell to the Dark side part of her broke away, and is now living in her head. The confusion about what name should be given to the woman also made sense, since the confusion was caused by Carth's being of two minds about it.

Rori Homecoming
Mike Taurguss

Post Revenge of the Sith: A failed Jedi visits home, and begins to create a new identity.

The piece is long, the trail from visiting his now destroyed home to his new identity long and convoluted. The author has a good grasp of what it would be like trying to pass through what is pretty much a no man's land, reliving how it had been was heart rending.

Very good read. A pity the author only did the one Star Wars story.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 11-06-2012 at 09:46 AM.
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Old 11-10-2012, 11:27 PM   #1309
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Star wars knights of the old republic: chapter 2 rescue over naboo
Battle111

Post TSL: Naboo is next to be attacked

I originall posted the reply in Lett, which reads as follows:
Aš nežinau, kaip gerai, ar vertimas yra čia, aš naudoju vertėjas, pridedamas prie tinklalapį, pavadintą partija, kuri turi funkciją kaip jo dalis siūlomų įrankių juostoje.

Aš einu, kad galėtumėte tai tiesiogiai į mano kitą peržiūrą vietoje, todėl jūs bent jau galimybę suprasti savo kritiką, aš nematau reali problema su savo darbo už tai, kad jūs, atrodo, kad kai kurie, bet ne suvokti daug anglų kalba. Aš siūlyčiau, kad jūs paprašykite kitų rašytojų beta skaitytojas siūlų, sklandžiai. Tai nėra kritika savo kalbos įgūdžius, be šios programos aš net ne bandyti rašyti sakinį Lett.

Aš norėčiau pasiūlyti padaryti tai už jus, tačiau jei aš beta skaityti ir ją ištaisyti, aš nesu pasiruošęs jį peržiūrėti vėliau

Unsure how it translated, I took that and fed it back into the matrix, and it read:

I do not know how good the translation is here, I use a translator attached to a website called Party, which has a feature offered as part of the toolbar.

I am going to post it directly to my next show on the spot, so you at least have the opportunity to understand your criticism, I do not see a real problem with your work for you, it seems that some, but not understand much English. I would suggest that you ask other writers beta reader thread smoothly. This is not a criticism of their language skills, in addition to this program, I would not even try to write a sentence Lett.

I would like to offer to do it for you, but if I'm beta reading and to correct it, I'm not ready to review it later.

On the whole, close, but no hand grenade. What I was trying to say, as you would all know; the author is doing a lot of spelling sounding out words, meaning little or no English skills, that there is a definite need for a beta reader, but not me.

kotorfanmedia

Kotorfanmedia is down for the second full week, so we're getting all fanfiction, all the time until further notice.

As an aside, I have things published at not only Lucasforums, but kotorfanmedia and at fanfiction as well. One of them is my own work Wrath of the Witch Maiden based in David Weber's 'Honor Harrington' series. Usually, I check the hits near the end of a month, but the numbers on that story at fanfiction made a sudden jump, and I checked it.

I have had half as many hits on the work in the first nine days of this month as I have in the ten full months before (try 1700). If this is any indication, this month will surpass the total number previous by the end of the month. As the author, I love it.

Fanfiction.net

Jealousy
Angsty Fudge

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: She can't explain what she feels, and it's really irritating

leacherously is spelled lecherously.

The piece is just a snippet of emotional turmoil. The Exile can;t deal with her jealous rage, and Atton is clueless as to why she's mad.

The Battle of Dxun
Guardian Mikey

Mandalorian wars above Dxun: A warrior faces his first battle

The primary negative I had with this is having both Atton and Carth not only in the same infantry unit, but at the same rank. Carth is always described as bing in his thirties, whereas Atton is only in his late twenties during TSL. Also, most militaries have a distinct split between ground pounders and fleet, so having Carth as an infantry private here, but be a respected pilot in KOTOR doesn't really gel.

Spring Cleaning
Handmethatcookie

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Someone has to deal with this mess...

Technical note, things like rooms and hallways are called compartments and passageways aboard a ship. As one writer said, the instant one group of men decided to become sailors, they immediately renamed everything to make those landlubbers worry. Check out; Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The piece is short and kinda fun, though you don't see any real cleaning being done. The idea that Atton not only threatens to use a whip, but found a material that Mical was allergic to was a fun twist.

General
Aeryn Phoenix

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile talks with Bao Dur.

The piece is fun with a possible relationship growing between the pair. Her explanation about why the term reminds her of the past is offset when he uses it again anyway.

Listen to Teacher
Eaving1989

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: A flying lesson

The piece has the simple feel of a man using proximity to both teach and indulge himself without going the extra step to be overbearing.

Joke' s On Me
Faelyn Leaf

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton considers the confession he is about to make

The piece wanders back and forth between the thought that she would or would not forgive him. In his own mind, he is even considering using the way he used to be to convince her.

Shnickle Fritz
Handmethatcookie

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: How do you deal with yourself changing?

The piece is short and cute. The idea that using nonsense words for curse words suggests that he is maturing is an old one. Atton play up to it when she accuses him of being Kreia in training.

Revan the Just, Revan the Damned
Faelyn Leaf

Pre-KOTOR: Malak watches as he loses his love to the dark side

The piece is poignant with loss and regret, wondering as happens in any failed relationship where it went wrong and how to perhaps fix it.

Conflicts
KeeLoth

KOTOR after Leviathan: Can Carth reach out to her again?

Technical note; things like rooms and doors are called compartments and hatches aboard a ship. As one writer said, the instant one group of men decided to become sailors, they immediately renamed everything to make those landlubbers worry. Check out; Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The piece is deep and dark, but it begins to lighten as Jolee sticks his foot into the mix. Convincing Carth was bad enough, but his heavy handed cupid bit really makes it choice.

Pick of the Week

TK102
Swiftdarkeness

During ANH: A team of Stormtroopers wander Tatooine

The piece is pretty much a minor slice of life. Wander around aimlessly, kill a few locals, ho hum.

Echoes of Shadow
GlassMidnight

Post KOTOR: A ghost from her past forces Revan to leave

The piece is excellent in delivering a foreboding to the character. The idea that Kreia is still linked to her old student perfectly believable.

Knights of the Old Republic
Darth William

KOTOR intro: Basic intro to the game

Pretty much that says it all.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-18-2012, 01:09 AM   #1310
machievelli
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Star wars the gentle broken promise
Revan sama

Flashbacks to Pre-Mandalorian wars: It started so simply...

The piece has a nice feel to it, and Akyra made some good points; things I would have said, so I won't repeat them. You questioned if anyone can help you with wording grammar etc, and if you look in the Beta reader thread, you should be able to find someone.

Medieval Conquest CHAPTER 2
Scorge

Continuation of NSW set in the mid 16th century: The hunters camp overnight and have a mysterious visitor

The paragraph style is better, but remember, one idea at a time. So in the first you should have them setting up camp, Jordan remembering getting the slack cut for his years of work, and the frustration. But little else. The rest is technical,

Technical: Posse operations. What you have here is like an Old West Posse chasing the bandits. While you're calling them 'elites', they're on foot, which suggests that they are scouts and woods runners. An elite unit even if it is only the title would more likely have been mounted, because you have to travel faster than those you hunt to have a chance to catch them.

Such a group would carry as much food and water as possible, and not even think of hunting until that begins to run low. Also, even if your leader decided to hunt, he would have limited the size of what you were to catch. A wild boar averages between ten pounds for a piglet, up to a couple of hundred for a full grown male. Shooting a full grown boar would be wasteful, something the people of the time could ill afford even in the best of seasons; a squad (between six and eight) of men would eat only about fourteen or so pounds of meat, meaning the rest is going to be wasted; not a promotional bell ringer for whoever is in charge when they return.

Even more important, wild pigs travel in family groups, so hunting a piglet means you'll probably have to fight the mother or senior male. Boar hunting is a dangerous sport, and they even make specialized spears for it because a full grown boar will kill anything from the size of a horse down when attacked. The best way to hunt them is on foot with boar spears, which have a wide bar below the blade to keep him far enough away that he won't kill you even as he is dying.

Technical: Cooking. Cooking over an open fire is nothing like using a stove or oven. The meat would not be ready in the time frame you give unless the animal is a lot smaller, and pork is one meat even then they did not try to eat half-cooked. Pork was usually smoked or cured back then to avoid parasites and disease. Pigs are subject to too many diseases that men can catch, and a lot of people died from eating tainted meat back then if they forgot that.

Technical: Guard duty. As much as you want the main character to see the phantom woman first, no group of guards is going to automatically assume that a civilian is qualified. Bandits will assume that they might be pursued, so they are going to be watching their back trail carefully.

Putting someone who as we see does fall asleep on guard is a recipe for disaster. All the bandits would have to have done is place a couple of men watching for pursuit for this to have been a quick ambush. Think of a patrol of US grunts from the Vietnam era chasing some Viet Cong that hit a village; They know you will trail them if you can, and they are fully trained to bloody your nose if you try.

The phantom woman is the most intriguing aspect you have created.

Keep at it, kid.

KoTOR 3 : Schism
Akyra

Post TSL: What now?

The piece is well written, and the flaws you pointed out yourself are the major problem with the work. I hope you find a beta, as this looks interesting

In the KOTOR games, the Council seemed to me to be hung up on what is called a Rickover's Paradox. When she wrote Star Trek II; The Wrath of Khan, Vonda McIntyre came up with the classic one. You are a military officer, and are in a life raft with someone whom you judge to be worthless to society. There is enough food and water to keep one of you alive for a couple of weeks. How do you convince that worthless person to leave the raft to you?

The entire view of such a paradox is absurd on it's face; as I pointed out a couple of times in my own Wrath of the Witch Maiden, a professional military man's primary job description is to put himself between an enemy and the people he protects. No one ever said you had the right to pick and choose who deserved your protection; the instant you took the oath they became someone you would die for, regardless of how 'important' you happen to be in terms of time and money spent learning your trade.

Thorüsa: Prologue
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: A young girl voluntarily enters Limbo. But at what price?

Well she's back, and just as good as ever. The basics, that her equivalent of Limbo is accessible from the mortal realm is an interesting thought. Unlike my own Devil work, her universe beyond life is pretty much clear cut; go to heaven, and you no longer worry about those you left behind, go to hell, and you have too many problems to worry about them. But if those in her version of limbo can still work to help those who remain in life, why not try it?

My biggest worry for the main character is my own studies of Religious history, specifically the Inquisitors from whatever time. Sure he can hide her sleeping body, but everyone who has ever faced the inquisition believed they were innocent until the priests changed the rules.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia Is still down, so I have a dozen from Fanfiction again this week

Fanfiction.net

Reunion with a PigMan
The King's Lover

Post KOTOR: Revan has finally returned. But what kind of reunion awaits?

The piece is a fun bit of fluff; Revan literally sneaking up on Carth, having fun with his reactions at her voice, then the reunion. A basic Generic 'and they all lived happily ever after' ending. But still fun.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars KOTOR III: The Fall Of The Republic
It Was Written

5 years Post TSL: The Republic struggles toward healing as a young hopeful approaches Dantooine

I read past the prologue before checking if the author was ESL (English as a Second Language) because there were too many words that had been spelled as if the author was spelling what they heard without knowing how it as actually spelled. But there was no joy; the profile did not give me a nation of entry. Still I have to assume ESL, so here goes;

I will not correct spelling or grammar, because that assumes you know English. The basics are good, and I read into the second chapter intentionally to see if it was an ongoing problem, which it is, suggesting as I said above ESL. The scene is reminiscent of Jedi Academy II. The only parts missing would be dealing with the nosy neighbor (Your character) intrigued by the light saber and being shot down enroute.

Remember that a lot of scenes in any movie or story are taken from other older works, so this is not meant as insulting; if you look at Beverly Hills Cop, every scene is a generic take from earlier works filtered by the actors who played the characters. Keep up the good work.

My primary negative is with the title because as an example, the French, who have gone through a cycle of republic, empire, monarchy, republic, then again to Empire has shown, the people are willing to admit they have slipped, which Star Wars has not. France is now into the Fourth Republic for those of you paying attention, whereas according to Kenobi, there was never such a cycle before he met Luke.

True Love
Lossefalme

Post KOTOR: HK on a rampage

Technical: Programming. If you use the term 'terminator' instead of HK47, the basics fall apart. First, during the first movie, you only see the terminator diverging from 'kill Sarah Connor' only when it kills the girl's roommate, assuming she is Sarah. Only then does a subroutine, 'let's check who she knows' click in, meaning it searches for her ID picture and address book, which leads to the death of Sarah's mother.

A robot or droid is programmed for what it will do; be it 'kill everyone in the room' to 'kill this one person, and verify he is dead'. Unlike a biological entity, there is no 'should I do this' in the mix, but that mix can be preprogrammed to add it. You would have to have contemplated torture in your mix, and have set guidelines to allow it under specific conditions. This shows in your work, but a bit late by my definition.

Technical: range. Assume a bullet. This is necessary because a bolt of plasma as you have from a blaster is line of sight; I.E., standing on level ground on a flat plain. A plasma bolt will be able to hit something at only 35 kilometers (22 miles, the distance to the horizon). A projectile can hit over the horizon using a ballistic curve but it takes time for it to travel that distance. Sure a missile can hot something a couple of hundred kilometers away, but you don't use ballistic missiles or rockets against a moving target and assume pinpoint accuracy.

Like Father Like Son
Handmethatcookie

Post KOTOR: Revan deals with the last of the Onasi boys...

There were only three problems I had with this work; it's rigid instead of ridged. That Revan didn't recognize Dustil until he told her who his father was, and that Dustil was stupid enough that he actually believed Revan would fight him instead of just killing him. But it was fun to read.

Why Malak is an Idiot
Gravaja Umbros

Pre KOTOR: It could happen...

I had assumed what really happened before I read it, but it was still funny. But I can also picture a Jedi master instructing his students on light sabers saying, 'remember, this is a deadly weapon. I don't care if you're scruffy or not, so don't try to shave with it'.

Pick of the Week

Another for Old Times
Faelyn Leaf

KOTOR on Manaan: Advice to the lovelorn...

The piece is just a generic slice of life for a guy who isn't sure what to do about his girl. Two guys discussing it and deciding how to correct the problem.

The argument about what the late wife's name is actually makes sense; a footnote is not fact.

Dancing Out of Tune
Inconspicuous Acuity

Mandalorian War era: Atris doesn't deal well...

As the author pointed out, (and if you look at the character carefully, you will realize) that Atris does have a habit of deciding what things mean without regard to simple things like fact. It makes her a frustrating character at the best of times, and this story is not the best of times by any stretch.

The most interesting thing about the story is the idea that a number of the Jedi that had gone to war were master status, including all of the main characters. This would mean the Jedi Civil War was actually a serious schism in the order, tantamount to the US's War Between The States or the Protestant Reformation if you want a religious referent.

Just a Dream
Handmethatcookie

No Specific era given: Some weird dreams...

It's devices (machines) not devises (creates)

The confusion about when it occurred was because we don't know if this Revan before he was captured, dreaming about the girl he left behind, or after he returned to the dark side, which would mean she was more likely dead.

That Good Ole Jedi Accountability
Trillian4210

Pre KOTOR: The Jedi council tries a little spin control...

The piece is funny because you have the Jedi trying to blame everyone but Revan, and the victim of this spin control is not even remotely amused. Very funny.

Pick of the Week

Love of theLight
AnimeAngel90

Post KOTOR: As the Sith move against Manaan, Revan's best friend agrees to an alliance with the Shadow warriors.

This isn't the first time someone has suggested a group apart from both Sith and Jedi who are more middle of the road. An interesting take.

Meeting your Evil Twin
HK-Revan

Pre KOTOR: On a field trip, Revan Malak and Kreia fall through a time rift

I didn't get a chance to read very far, but except for some wording problems 'soon she hopped(hoped) no prayed he would past(pass) means the work needs sight editing.

Errants
Red Ace

AU KOTOR on Taris: The name's the same, sort of...

With the real Revan dead, Carth has to depend on a flighty girl who has the same name and her loony sidekick. There's a running gag where they can never remember Bastila's name, and it gets silly from there.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 11-24-2012, 01:33 AM   #1311
machievelli
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Thorüsa: Not a Shade of Doubt
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter two of an ongoing work

I am curious as to why she cannot even touch her own ethereal body. I do understand her caution as phasing through a wall at present, but wondered why she kept expending effort to pick up material objects until she succeeded in opening the door.

Making her their equivalent of a ghost makes some sense; after all part of the reason given for the realm's existence is that people there can communicate with those who have not yet gone on.

The situation seems grim for her master for obvious reasons. After all, from my own study of history, any group that can convince all of their followers to ignore a supernova bright enough to read by would never let facts stand in front of the faith.

Thorüsa: The Missing Place
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter 3 of the ongoing work

The view of the world was very interersting. Seeing the balanced forces of nature, both renewal and destruction, almost personalized. For the first time we see the avatars of both the Celesti and the leeches. I only wonder why there is only one celesti and thousands of leeches unless they are supposed to act in concert to drag a single soul to hell...

Both pieces this week well written as always.

I was able to get to a cached page from kotorfanmedia which had a comment that the ongoing problems they have been experiencing since their domain name change is still ongoing. Hope it gets fixed soon. It just means you'll be reading a lot more from Fanfiction.net, and I know you all just hate that...


Fanfiction.net

Broken Bones Broken Heart
Velkyn

Set in the Star Wars Galaxy RPG: A chance meeting causes the heroine to flee

The piece was too short. All we know about the main character is that she was a dancer, and that she is terrified of the 'masked man' for no apparent reason. Terrified enough to sell everything to escape him.

KOTOR II TSL
Zeren Jade

TSL from the beginning: The hero thinks

Remember to sight edit. When you said 'removed from the vents' I believe you meant 'removed from the (e)vents'.

The prologue made this good reading. Like my own work, the main character has a lot of angst over the war, but unlike mine, she pretty much ran from it. Though that was a valid option. Mine got a job where her non-Jedi skills were still usable.

Star Wars Reunion
Purple Bladed Jedi

Two Years Post TSL: Revan is back, but is she friend or foe?

Even three chapters into it there were too many questions; why is she seeking this specific person? How if that person linked enough into the Republic military that they are willing to stop Revan? And most important, why are they sure Revan came to assassinate the person

Tales of KOTOR The Lost Souls
Dante-Raven

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Wih his new found Jedi abilities still a mystery, Bao-Dur has other things interfering.

The piece was confusing. It seems the Exile is doing everything she can to bind him more firmly to her, without committing to love or training him.

Choosing Sides
SharingAnAvenger

Pre KOTOR: While negotiating with the Selkath, a Jedi master finds other things to worry about.

The piece has only one problem; It was too short and merely stopped! The setting of the trap is well done, including slow release gas to along with one expert shot (Jaq Rand) to be yet additional threats as two engage her with blades. We are hung up in a battle where the first one to make a mistake is likely going to die, and the Jedi has just decide to make a mistake just to draw her enemy out.

Pick of the week

I've decided that it isn't me having problems with fanfiction. Last night I did the review of the above story before crashing after devouring both drumsticks off my turkey. This morning I reloaded the page, clicked the back space, and ended up on the same file page (88) with stories I have never seen before and no trace of the one I had just reviewed.

Gottverdamnt!

Later, after venting, I found a link that takes me back to where I was. I have to reload from the link every time I want to return, but I can deal with that for the next weeks

The Mandalorian
McVicar

During TSL: A member of the Peragus mining team fights for his life.

The scenes do not flow very well. The work needs polishing. Also spelling Jolee Bindo backwards really isn't a new character name. We know that HK51 was reprogramming the mining droids to kill the people, but there was never a scene in the game where the droids used his voice.

A Jedi's Life is Sacrifice
Yelleisarobot

KOTOR after Leviathan: The crew flees, but cannot escape the truth

The piece is very well done with the team fighting Malik even though they are torn apart by the revelation. It is reminiscent of my own version of the same scene, except that being lovers was something Revan had considered only after Malik lost his jaw.

Pick of the Week

Slaughter of the Jedi Temple
DarkxPrince

Post KOTOR Darkside ending: History repeats itself in the past.

The word is planner (good with plans) rather than planer (A motorized device to plane wood.) and sweet instead of sweat.

The piece like the scene in the movie it mimics went too easy for the attackers in my mind; the good guys going down like dominos.

Full Circle
Lerolain

Five Years Post KOTOR: Revan remembers what she left behind.

The piece is sad with poignant memories. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

An Offer of Enlistment
Kallamae

Pre KOTOR: The famous choice from history; jail or join

This is one of the best pre-stories I have seen. Like my own where I created the entire prehistory of my own Revan before her 'death' and rebirth.

Pick of the Week

Doctor Crackers
Handmethatcookie

Post KOTOR: Sometimes, the shrink is almost as crazy as the patients

The piece started out odd, and went downhill from there. The doctor can't remember anyone's name, seems as I mentioned, crazier than Carth until the pilot tries to kiss him.

A pity; we never found out what happened to Jolee.

Pick of the Week

42B7
Jiara Anatalis

KOTOR on Tatooine: So that's how it happened!

The piece is funny and moves well as all of Jiara's work does. From accepting delivery of the original package to placing a bounty on the head of the man who did so if he doesn't get rid of the cargo was a riot. The reaction of the alien members of the crew made it very amusing.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-02-2012, 10:41 AM   #1312
machievelli
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Little Leech Lost
MsFicwriter
Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter four of an ongoing work, looking at the world from another side...

The piece lives up to MsFicwriter's rep, and it is intriguing on more than one level; first that others have tried, from their own views, how to reach this realm. Second, that the heroine finally realizes that she might be in deeper trouble.

Pick of the Week

Star wars knights of the new republic chapter 1: fall of the new jedi order
battle111

During Jedi Academy II: Jaden Korr falls to the dark side.

Again, you're not using a spell checker. If you are using a word processing program, most of them have spell checking as part of the program. Merely run it when you're done. The mistakes in spelling are, as usual, where someone is spelling the word as it sounds. Sed instead of said for example. With a spellchecker, you'll get closer to what you're trying for.

MsFicwriter mentioned breaking the work into paragraphs rather than one massive paragraph. What I also notice is that you were pushing the story forward too fast. You go from heading out to find Rosh, to killing him, to going to Korriban to face Tavion to leading the Sith back to slaughter the Jedi; a sequence that would take several days but you compress it into one massive block.

With kotorfanmedia still down, we're at Fanfiction.net first.

No World For Heroes
Jord

Pre KOTOR at the end of the Mandalorian Wars: The final meeting between Revan and the soon to be Exile

The piece needs sight editing, in the first chapter you use reigns (rules) instead of reins (control devices for a riding animal) for example.

The concept is interesting, rogue Mando'a acting without sanction to continue fighting, and our Exile, not yet bereft of the force confronting what Revan is becoming. The idea that one death is the straw that broke this camel's back is interesting. A lot is not explained here; how Bao-Dur survives, and what is to follow. Of course I only had a chance to read the first of 22 chapters, and this is one I think worth coming back to if I ever find the time.

Pick of the Week

Seeing Double
Aeryn Phoenix

KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: A 'person of interest' is detained by the Jedi aboard the ship. But is the story already lying to us?

The piece is interesting in several ways; first, making Revan one of a pair of twins, second, having her sister be the Exile. But starting where it does makes you wonder if she is the twin, rather than Revan as the game suggests.

A very interesting take, and as above, with 37 chapters, another I wish I had tome to read fully.

Pick of the Week

Exchange Girl
ElenaTheHun

KOTOR on Taris AU: Luxa mourns the loss of her lover

An interesting blending of the actual game. Having Juhani living on Taris at the same time Davik was still alive, and having Luxa living there as well. There doesn't seem to be a Revan in the mix, and having Bastila getting all the credit begs the question. A cute little 'love lost' story.

KOTOR III: The Shadows Cast by Darkness
Firebird 13

Post TSL: The Exile leaves in search of Revan

The piece has a few points that don't make sense, such as setting off the Mass Shadow Generator before they left the planet. Considering the very good explanation for it's operation, you would pretty much guarantee that they are going to die. Using the force to counteract it doesn't scan.

Fight It
X Illusion

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile has to decide who are really her friends.

The piece has an excellent repeat of the scene in Ludo's tomb, but with the difference that this time her friends are making sense.

Lies
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2110394/...-Revan-Returns
KOTOR: Darth Revan Returns
Lexington's Hammer

KOTOR on the Star Forge: As the Republic fleet attempts to flee, Revan has some cleaning up to do.

The piece has Revan roaring back into power with a vengeance. His dealing with the incompetent Admiral was perfectly done.

Meatbag rituals
HoratiosBabyMama

Post TSL: After returning from finding Revan, the Exile chooses his new mate... Atton

Having read many a 'drunken confession' story, this one snuck up on me as to what happened next.

As the feet guide thee
ZeroDark9

The work needs some sight editing, and polishing; Whatever she had (done to) made the droids, It's rode, not road, wasn't packed, not pack. The read is a bit rough. I usually use the analogy of a river. You want the reader to flow with it, and if you have rapids for no reason, it distracts the reader from the story.

The Instruments of Darkness
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR in the Unknown system: As the climactic battle begins, Carth races to stop the reborn Darth Revan if he can.

The piece starts out well with a lot of angst as Carth remembers the carnage. Another piece I wish I could read to the end.

Pick of the Week

Delta 1107
PFC Koprulu

Star Wars Clone Wars Era: Left for dead, Sev must survive as best he can

The piece was too short, even as two paragraphs. The scenes had the gritty feel of reality, and the trap well laid.

Pick of the Week

Atlas Astray
Art Of War 2006

No specific Era given: An assassin carries out the mission, regardless of the pain.

The piece was fast paced, a thrill ride not to be missed, yet I still don't know who was killed. A pity I didn't have time to read further.

Pick of the Week

Shadow's Eve
Pimp3dout335

KOTOR AU: With Revan dead and Malak not the only problem to deal with, both KOTOR crews must work together.

The piece is unrelieved darkness with little or no hope of relief. Only had a chance to read the first chapter, but looking good.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-09-2012, 11:46 AM   #1313
machievelli
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Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic: Rising Destiny
Ferc Kast

Post TSL: A team on a mission faces and unsuspected threat.

The piece is well written, and the only problems I have are technical.

Technical, Chiss: The Chiss were first contacted in the book Outbound Flight, where an old Republic attempt to depart the Galaxy ran into the race. However that is about 3,980 years in the future of the timeline. This would be like Jason and the Argonauts looking for the Golden Fleece, and facing off against the KGB when they find it.

Don't be too upset by this; when they created the game Jedi Academy II, they used Noghri as an enemy Jaden Korr faced, Yet according to the Expanded Universe, the Noghri only served Vader, and later his daughter Leia Organa, and Luke Skywalker, his son.

Technical, Ship type: Again you've used a ship that will not exist for again, almost 4000 years. To continue the analogy above, you have Jason and his men armed with bronze swords and spears boarding a Tarawa Class landing ship when they went on their voyage.

Thorüsa: Our Divine Mission/Greatest of the Fiends
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter five of an ongoing work, Seeking along with the demons for the next victim...

The piece was well wrought, and well portrayed; the idea that the major worms who devoured the smaller ones searched for those destined for hell was a good analogy.

My main contention; that truth doesn't dissuade an inquisitor still stands. As I pointed out in The Devil is in the Details, those who become inquisitors do not care about minor things like reality to dissuade them from their purpose. As I pointed out there, a charge of witchcraft didn't worry about whether a woman was, or was not virgin could prove she was not used sexually by the devil.

For those of you who have not read it, remember the episode of the old Bewitched TV show where Samantha is sent back to Salem during the time of the witchcraft trials, and Darrin must use a magical coin to bring back her memories. When her memory returns, she uses a logical argument; that witches, with their supernatural powers cannot be bound by something simple like iron, but the judge uses logic in reverse; that her use of logic to prove them wrong instead proves their contention.

If you have read the Star Trek EU, they used the same contention in one of the first books, using a debased version of an Einsteinian thought problem; that a ship that appears at X number of light seconds distance, that then reappears as Y distance means that your original data was in error, and there are actually two ships, not one, since FTL travel is automatically impossible.

In other words; regardless of what our heroine does, I see a bleak future for her teacher.

Star Wars: Ascension of the Sith
Scorge

2000 years BBY: A Sith apprentice goes on her first mission

The basics are good, but there are a few problems.

First, since Korriban was abandoned 2,000 years earlier, why are they still using the same two millennia old Star Map as a test? Second, and it is a constant irritant to me, with hundreds of thousands of known planets, why do younger writers return to the ones mentioned in the movies? If you were to name the planet she was sent to Blatherkite, I would accept it more readily. After all; Hoth is halfway across the Republic from Korriban.

Fanfiction.net

On course
HoratiosBabyMama

Post TSL: How else can a simple return home be screwed up?

The piece is fun, though you only see three of the characters. The ending reminds me of the original Geico commercials, as it was meant to.

Star Wars: Search for the Truth
Charles Lamont

Set during TOR: A pair of Jedi are hunted by a Sith Assassin.

Improper word usages. It is bore (As in carries or wears) not bared.

Technical note; A sniper is not a weapon, except for modifications to an existing weapon, such as mounting a scope and accurizing an existing rifle to make it a sniper rifle. The term is applied to the person using it instead.

You're pushing the action and locations too rapidly. You literally go from Korriban to Nar Shaddaa in a single paragraph.

A knights tale
Sweetheartedfaerie

KOTOR from the beginning on Endar Spire: Our plucky heroine is having way too much fun here...

Improper word usage, and you have a problem I do, which is forgetting to finish sentences. It comes from letting the story flow as you write, which means it's good. But because it does flow well, your think you've completed the sentence, and only a later sight edit notices the problem. As an example of both, the sentence, 'Nope the republic and well the sith usually make so much sound (Should be noise, and should be followed by I) could hear them a mile off.' Then you used through (passing through something) instead of threw (Hurled).

Technical note, praise: You did one thing few people consider when using game mechanics, you explain the difference between a standard and a 'power' shot; and how to alter the weapon to do so. Kudos!

The author says it's the first time, and that shows. But there is a spark of real talent here. A pity I don't have time to read beyind the first section.

Pick of The Week

To Be An Echani
Twinklet26

Mandalorian Wars: A training exercise gets a little hot and heavy

Technical note, Military: The command attention means to snap to; not to salute. In standard parlance you have two separate commands, one for attention, the other 'hand, salute!'.

Technical, training: You do not usually go from the equivalent of greeting superiors to a training situation. Instead you would have two separate formations, or merely cut out the first one. Also, when training, you would have people versed in the specific moves, and would be more free form. The piece looks like a basic training exercise.

The main problem I had was simpler than that. If you play a male Exile (Or use the mods to get the Handmaiden instead of Disciple as I did, you would remember a scene where she questions how Atton knows Echani Martial Arts. If Revan had been training Republic troops in that art, she would have asked when he received that training under Revan.

The Real Han Solo and other kotor oneshots
Revan's Pet Duck

Post TSL: Like we'd want to be that...

The premise of the first oneshot is amusing, especially since none of the accused want to be. Most of RPD's stuff is amusing, and I know I'm going to wish I could have read them all.

Fighting the Past
Atrimis2124

Post TSL: The two former Jedi are finally reunited, but they need some help

The piece doesn't give us much to work with, but it is well enough done that I wanted more.

Sleeping With Ghosts
Araceli

Post KOTOR: They might not get the chance for happily ever after

The piece was well done, the Council doing everything it can to interfere with the burgeoning romance. I wish I could read on because I anticipate an explosion worthy of the old Darth Revan...

Pick of the Week

The Orgins of My OC
The Thermopage

No specific era given: The creation of a new life form

The piece wasn't long enough to really get a feel for the author's style. Pretty much all we have is the genesis of another race, but how that sole survivor fits into the SW universe is left up for grabs.

Abandoned
Saiyan Angie

Post TSL: The one left behind

The piece covers a well known subject for those who've played the game. The one left behind when the hero has to go off and save the galaxy one more time.

Trask's Savior
Guardian Zenithar

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The first Republic trooper we see die has his own spotlight

All we know about this person before this story is he's alone and dies as the hero and Trask enter the battle. But the author brought him to vibrant life, and in a good way. He is an efficient soldier, yet he is also the typical grunt.

When he sees the name tag on the compartment, he's irritated. It is assumed an officer knows better, and has a reason for everything he does, but it is also a fact that 'butter bars', the sarcastic appellation given to second lieutenants in Army or Marine units, and Ensigns in the navy, are only officers because they service says they are; and none have proven themselves to be worthy of being the leaders. The stories about stupid things done by butter bars in any military are legion.

His little mutinous act; locking down the outer door, is a perfect little tit for tat reaction.

Resurrecting A Fallen Appellation
Kian

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: With his belief system in ruins, Carth must deal with who he loves

The piece covers from Saul's revelation to when Carth confronts her aboard the Ebon Hawk, and is a swirl of fast action, and even deeper introspection. Like any person discovering the truth about another, Carth is trying to find signs he felt he should of recognized that would have told him sooner.

He is balancing the person he knows against the person she had once been, and even at the end, is still undecided. The author's characterization of Revan from before reminds me of all the memories recorded about General Patton; and how some of them make the man larger than life.

Very well done

Pick of the Week

Knights of the old republic, Atton
Rain

Post TSL: He can't get her out of his mind

It's rare that I review a songfic because most of them are just the song, and little else. This one used the song to paint the broad strokes of the background and his feelings, the rest, just a few lines, captures a man so deep in despair, that he's diving into a bottle head first. Adding Mission and Zaalbar from the first team helps, because there is no one except the Disciple who would spend the time trying to drag his head out of it.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-09-2012, 11:57 AM   #1314
machievelli
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Just found out that the log in to post to SWKs is also down (Whimper)


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-16-2012, 02:54 AM   #1315
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Promise
Chevron 7 locke

No specific era given: An atypical Sith is rushed to a medical center

The author has done the one thing I wish more writers would; looked at the Sith as if they were just a faction, and not a mass of sociopaths.

The treatment of the Sith throughout most of the Genre reminds me more of the mirror world created in Star Trek with the ISS Enterprise, people who are sadistic and brutal because they want to be rather than through any logical creation of a parallel universe.

It is the same way every society treats an enemy in war time; assuming them guilty of every crime known to man. If you remember movies of WWII during and from the actual war era, you see men in parachutes shot up by fighters, lifeboats being machine gunned, people butchered in the most brutal fashion in pretty much a regular basis, but the war had so few actual incidents that they could almost be defined as the wartime equivalent of urban legends.

Thorüsa: The Worth of Vengeance
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter six of an ongoing work, the heroine's guide has to stop long enough for a little gloating

An interesting chapter in that the spirits seem to be stopped by material barriers in some cases; the larger demons unable to get to their next victim while the heroine and her companion are able to use a rat hole to enter. Also that for some reason The still living woman can hear and see the companion. Since this victim is the one who caused the death of her companion, I can understand his desire for a little payback before going on...

Fanfiction.net

An Unavoidable Path
RonsInnerVoice

Post TSL: The Exile considers his next task; following Revan

The piece is an excellent division of what he must do and what is expected of him. The author takes the character through every bit of the logical thought process necessary from the sheer impossibility of his quest through emotional relationships he isn't willing to admit to, onto what would happen if he failed.

The only negative I have is a constant one; a ship does not have rooms; it has compartments.

One Down Three to Go
Cable Fraga

Post TSL: As he searches for the Exile, Atton considers what brought him to this point

The idea that the old standbys for entertainment in his mind, drinking and cards no longer moves him is good. A sign of maturity we don't expect to see in Atton. This piece suggests that what is called the Unknown Regions of the galaxy are a lot larger than the map from the original Star Wars, which is a logical assumption. There are still places on our own home world that can be defined as 'Terra Incognita even today.

However the idea that some ancient surveying organization marked four distinct places as 'you can't go any further' was a bit much.

The Corner
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR on Korriban: Dustil must take that final step

The piece has all of the self doubt you would expect when someone has to go against what he believes. The only negative I had with the piece was who is this Lorna? The girlfriend the Sith has gotten rid of was named Selene.

Lies Never Told
Lightsider

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Trask completes his last assignment

The piece is a shortened and pretty much generic retelling of the events from the start of the game to when Trask faces off with the Dark Jedi. By changing the focus of the game to Trask, he does come a bit more into focus, but he still is a colorless man, with only his devotion to duty, and the regret that he failed in keeping a promise to his wife in sharp relief.

Advice from a Homicidal Droid
Khrma

KOTOR on Tatooine: There are times when you don't ask HK for advice...

The author is self denigrating, and I agree that while it had a touch of the Hitchhiker's Guide, it really didn't fit. But funny it was.

The piece showcases HK's standard attitudes. I'm just surprised that the author missed the second definition of discrete; Consisting of unconnected distinct parts, as in several discrete bullet holes.

The definition of love HK used was choice, and the funniest part is the being he is speaking to uses it exactly.

Soul Of Genius
DGraham

One year post TSL: While the Republic struggles to rebuild, Revan and the Exile continue with their mission

The piece is a first attempt at the author's admission. As a first attempt it is well written if a bit bland. There is nor real additional characterization done, but the description of the 'rebel' base is intriguing.

Leave it to Jinart!
Tanyart

Set during Republic Commando Hard Target: A shapeshifter has a run in with some pesky Commandos...

With only 2000+ words, I had a chance to read them all, and the work is funny. The creature deals with them by adjusting the form to match things that are innocuous, but not without problems. At one time having a commando sit on it, then relieving his bladder on it.

Trying to Forget
Muhnemma

Several years Post KOTOR: Revan thinks of what might have been

The piece is a sad introspective. After losing her child by Carth, and her eventual return to the Republic, she still wishes the daughter she had not had would have survived.

The Shadows of the Rim
Saber Girls

Two years post TSL: A new threat looms

We know from comments made that Revan and the Exile are out here somewhere, but in what I read (Opening crawl and Steel Vultures) you haven't seen them yet. However the salvage girl with her plucky attitude and small ship was immediately interesting. The author has considered the problems of such a small operation from using a droid as her remaining 'crew' to what she can harvest for sale because of the ship's size.

Just from what I read about her I wished for more time.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith
Vader's Apprentice

AU Star Wars during ROTS: With Kenobi dead and the Emperor dead, Vader now rules.

Improper word usage and grammar. It's there instead of their, and cracked instead of crack. This is an editing problem, as is forgetting quotation marks and conversation breaks.

An interesting take on the end of the game and the possible outcome, but I have a few quibbles. As often as dead Sith Lords try to turn those who follow, it is sort of closer to a demonic possession situation here. If such did happen the voice of the possessor would not usually be used; the reason they do it in movies is so the audience knows what has happened

A Week Ago In A Certain Videogame Not So Far Away
Magistra Nocte13

TSL: The Exile is suddenly saddled with two teenage girls. Be afraid, be very afraid...

Remember conversation breaks. The first work was confusing enough without that. It got worse when we had three talking instead of just two.

That said, I wish the author had gone on with it. The soap opera like questions at the end cracked me up. Do you want my advice? Eat the sandwich and space the kids.

Pick of the week

Malak The Meatbag
Nocturniquette

Supposedly pre Mandalorian wars, quibble below: Malak and HK have a real hate-hate relationship

Remember conversation breaks. Without them a reader can be quickly confused.

The piece had it's moments of humor, though I enjoyed the profile of the author more, especially the comments on being flamed because he doesn't write the characters the way others perceive them. The author is correct that as fan fiction, he can do what he wants, and we can all go hang. As someone who used my own version of the Exile in a story here, and was accused of making a Mary Sue in the process, I agree with this author.

The quibble is, why would a Jedi who has not yet fallen create such a homicidal-droid?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-22-2012, 11:17 PM   #1316
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For those who worship; Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, and a cool Yule. Here it's cold and dry; as much as I know the city would be paralyzed by it, I wish it would snow this week. In fact a few months ago I learned the hill that leads from my home to where I catch the bus for work was a place where kids on sleds and snow boards whooped it up back in 2007 when it snowed heavily.

Well enough of my weather woes, let's get on with the reviews for this week. Kotorfanmedia is still down, and the SWK's site is also down, so I'm posting both my review for here but my review for SKW here as well. So without further ado...

Over at Fanfiction.net we start our week with an AU version of KOTOR with Bullet-Proof Marshmellows and Kotor Spectres: Redemption A Darkside Revan regains his position in DarkxPrince's
Battle of the Star Forge

and Best of the week, Bastila had had quite enough in SixTailedNinja's Bastila's Fall

Well things to do, places to be. Signing off...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Thorüsa: Three Chapters
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapters seven to nine of an ongoing work, Now to challenge heaven...

There are some interesting plot twists in this segment; the inquisitior believing she can literally make an appointment with heaven to get her case reviewed, her victim merely waiting until she is devoured, and the heroine being dragged along between the two.

Fanfiction.net

Friendly Ties
Rian Sage

Pre Mandalorian Wars era: Even with different assignments, Malak and Revan maintain their friendship.

Some grammar problems, roll instead of role, that kind of thing. Nothing a sight edit wouldn't correct.

The piece so far (1st chapter) is an excellent slice of life. The one thing that bothered me with their first assignment is that Revan doesn't even bother to tell her senior partner that the Senator's wife had been treated with the new medicine, which I assume is bacta.

Star Wars Demolition
Vader's Apprentice

Three years after the battle of Yavin: A new form of game is created by Jabba

Minor grammar problems; know instead of no, victim rather than victims (so marked because of phrasing; 'the next of her-')


Quibble. In the first released movie Luke sold his speeder, he didn't give it to anyone.

The piece is very confusing. It looks like the author merely took the Death Race movies as the basic premise, and the list of participants in the game itself are a who's who of the villains of the books games and movies. Too many of them must survive, since they are known to live beyond this point. Also, the author has too many disparate vehicles for anything even remotely resembling a race to be logical. Speeder and speeder bikes operate at low lever, an AT-ST an middle, and a cloud car at high. All have advantages the others do ont, and disadvantages as well.

Veil of shadows
Zerbinetta

Pre KOTOR: After her capture, Revan is held by the Jedi as they consider what to do.

The piece is pretty long, 54 chapters. The first reminds me of watching Clarisse dealing with Hannibal Lector. Looks like it is worth the read.

The Cache
Muhnemma

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: There was something the Exile had to get...

The side quest to deal with Vogga has little of interest (Except for having the female Exile dance), which why when I wrote my own version, I merely had T3 handle the infiltration. But this was an interesting twist.

Knights of the Old Republic: Depth of Soul
Evaron

Pre KOTOR: Not every mission goes right

Remember to have something to break between scenes so that the reader can keep track of it. You have the scenes coming so quickly that the reader has trouble keeping track.

Star Wars KotOR III: Scars of the Sith
Krayt-Eagle

TSL on Malachor V: The new adventure begins as the old one ends

The piece starts off a bit dry but does pick up. As it's 18 chapters long, I couldn't go very far into it

Love You Forever and Ever
Layana Danare

Post KOTOR: She had to explain, even if only in a letter

The piece is short and sweet like a letter you would expect. Pretty much what you would anticipate.

Surfacing
Muhnemma

KOTOR Starting on the Endar Spire: Our Heroine has a rough day

Technical note: Shipboard nomenclature is not like that usually used in conversation. Doors are hatches, rooma are compartments. I suggest reading my article; Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The piece is basically a retelling from the start to partway through the Upper city. There are a few changes, having Carth get food, and seeing Mission and Zaalbar (Though the reader doesn't know it). The flow is good, and the scenes relatively well portrayed.

Bastila's Fall
SixTailedNinja

KOTOR on Dantooine: The real reason Bastila fell...

improper grammar; hear instead of here, nock (The clip on an arrow that holds it to the string) rather than knock it off.

The piece surprised me. I expected something a little darker (Though the author did say comedy). So having Bastila lose it because they're acting like a bunch of school kids on a day trip was fun. The reaction of the masters was a riot. It reminded me of my Ex wife; whenever the news televised a police chase, she'd run into the kitchen and make snacks, then sit and watch as if it were the Superbowl.

Pick of the Week

Kotor Spectres: Redemption
Bullet-Proof Marshmellows

AU KOTOR, no specific portion at start: A reformed Jedi looks for the members of his old squad.

The piece is fast paced, the fight scenes well portrayed. The author is one of the first I have seen in seven years to use the term 'melee weapon' correctly, since there is a crowd of attackers rather than one.

Didn't read beyond chapter one, no time. But it looked very interesting.

Pick of The Week

Battle of the Star Forge
DarkxPrince

KOTOR in the final battle: The fate of the galaxy rests in Revan's hands, but who is going to win?

Improper words, planed (trimmed wood) instead of planned, dye (Change the color) instead of die (Expire), sawing (Cutting) instead saying (Vocalizing) Fin (appendage) instead of fine (well), wreath (Something hanging on a door in this holiday season) instead of worth (Equal to).

You also forgot a word in the battle on top (Of) the Rakata temple. The first is a problem usually corrected by sight editing, since you used a word that would pass a spellcheck but fail if you read it. The second is something I have to watch out for, because you're writing so fast, you're forgetting to finish out the sentence.

In the second section you shifted tenses, from past to present in the third paragraph, then back in the fifth.

Technical note: Except for Asajj Ventress, I have not seen a double light-saber that will work as two singles. A standard double light saber, unlike a two bladed metal sword, is not going to work as two singles if cut in half.

This looked good, but I didn't have time to read it all.

Pick of the Week

The Dispossessed
Elenathehun

Post ROTS: Sometimes, the win is to survive.

The piece focuses on one ex-Jedi on one off the way world, and is confusing because there is no specific course to steer to guide the reader to the end.

For those who worship; Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, and a cool Yule. Here it's cold and dry; as much as I know the city would be paralyzed by it, I wish it would snow this week. In fact a few months ago I learned the hill that leads from my home to where I catch the bus for work was a place where kids on sleds and snow boards whooped it up back in 2007 when it snowed heavily.

Well enough of my weather woes, let's get on with the reviews for this week. Kotorfanmedia is still down, and the SWK's site is also down, so I'm posting both my review for here but my review for SKW here as well. So without further ado...

Over at Fanfiction.net we start our week with an AU version of KOTOR with Bullet-Proof Marshmellows and Kotor Spectres: Redemption A Darkside Revan regains his position in DarkxPrince's
Battle of the Star Forge

and Best of the week, Bastila had had quite enough in SixTailedNinja's Bastila's Fall

Well things to do, places to be. Signing off...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-29-2012, 11:23 AM   #1317
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Thorüsa: Disturbances
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapters ten of an ongoing work, the Inquisitor's art

The piece is flowing well. I notyice the author has seen the strength of every witch trial, Red Hunt, or inquisition; it isn't the one person being tormented now, it's those who you can later torment that this person will give you. It is also good to find out that her teacher's theory, that someone in this realm can definitely be heard, meaning living people can be warned. Then again, the churchmen's idea that any such voice is automatically evil does pose a problem

Fanfiction.net

There Is No Emotion
Little Green Kitten

KOTOR escaping from Endar Spire: The story begins...

The piece needs polishing, but that and one other are the only negatives I can honestly say. The other is technical. The writing is a bit stilted, but that comes with practice.

Technical, Shipboard: Remember that as one professional writer said a few decades ago, the minute there was a different group called sailors, they immediately created their own slang to differentiate them from landsmen, and that came from the unique conditions of a ship at sea. For a more detailed explanation, go to Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

One thing specifically; as an example, on a warship every crewman is issued a life jacket, or has one readily available. In that future it would be a space suit of some kind. That is his 'one man lifepod'. There are lifeboats aboard along with life rafts, but they are designed to carry between 10 and fifteen people each. The lifepods we get to see in the Clone Wars TV series for example appear to have space for that many readily.

For a first work, this isn't too bad.

Assumptions
SimplyxAmazing

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: The fighting just has to stop...

The piece was fun to read, though I did't get more than the first chapter into it. Having Mical suddenly kiss the Exile surprised me a bit, and having Atton blow up at the sight fit the female Exile-Atton relationship sequence readily.

Redemption
PadawanMage

KOTOR on Lehon: A chance decision leads to a later confrontation

The piece had a few flaws, having Mission nibble on 'his' lip, that kind of thing.

The idea that Carth would just run away leaving his shipmates to their fate bothered me in the Game too, and having someone create a youtube cutscene having Carth facing a darkside Revan aboard the Star Forge was an excellent starting point. The only real problem I had was with continuity...

How did Revan and Bastila pass Carth without the trio noticing each other?

To Teach Atton to Dance
Achalys

TSL probably on Dantooine: Who is he trying to impress?

The piece was fun, especially Mira's conditions. Using the analogy of the way the Force moves works very well.

Pick of the Week

The Story of Jonas Ra
GriffonUnion

Mandalorian Wars to the present: A special unit is deployed to protect two Jedi

The basic idea is good, though doesn't really fit the genre. After all, the Jedi are supposed to be highly efficient warriors, why are they deploying a special team to protect them when there are probably hundred of thousands even millions that are not being given such protection?

Star wars Republic commando: blood staind armor
DOOMTROOP

Star Wars Republic Commandos: Arrival on Geonosis

The problem is there isn't enough to really get a good feel for the author's work. It's not even an introduction, just a paragraph.

The Deigo
Amma Moto

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Carth meets an odd denizen of the Shadowlands.

I didn't have a chance to read very far into it, but it did have an interesting premise.

10 Things I Hate About You
Amma Moto

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Solomon would have said to hell with it and had a drink...

The piece is totally confusing, Revan is so busy being Dark Helmet rather than herself, and Carth couldn't win if it were his own deck of cards.

I liked it.

Pick of the Week

The Lost Knight
Eowynjedi

Three Weeks Post TSL: The Lost Jedi must find all those other lost

Remember to finish sentences, it's 'in spite (of) the noise'. This is a problem I have sometimes, writing so fast that I forget words that belong.

The piece had some interesting twists; having the first act of these Jedi attempting to discover clues to others being a case of Grand Theft, Mical trying to be suave and debonair with Visas not having a clue as to what he intends.

Battle Lullaby
Saiyan Angie

The piece is a scene of mayhem and slaughter worthy of a Samurai movie. The only jarring note is that this is our Exile, yet it appears she has all of the capabilities, just not her lightsaber.

At The End of All Things
Muhnemma

One Year Post TSL: The Exile finally finds her old companion, as those she left behind have their own problems

The piece is poignant, two friends who find themselves again allied, but at a terrible price to themselves. Unfortunately I couldn't read much. I really wanted to.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side
DarkMonks

KOTOR Dream Sequence: Revan remembers

The piece is too short to get a good feel for the author's style, except for one thing... You really don't need more than a single exclamation point or question mark.

Shadow of a Smile
D.G.Arrow

TSL aboard Ravager: A crewman finds that he can never be free of his master

The piece is dark, with no relief. The speaker ends up literally addicted to the Sith Lord. Even in death his spirit seeks out that drug yet again.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 12-29-2012, 11:27 AM   #1318
machievelli
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Fusion is back up, but I'm wondering and address this first section to the Mods; What is a deprecated error? While the reviews appear to have posted (By checking SWK directly) I keep getting that when I post...

Whatever it is, it puts almost 200 lines starting with deprecated before the review


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-04-2013, 09:37 PM   #1319
machievelli
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Having some problems here with reloacting to another apartment in the same complex. So I'm taking a week hiatus.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 01-11-2013, 10:15 AM   #1320
machievelli
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Still haven't moved, so I did my reviews a little early

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Sand and War
Yukub

NSW Fic: A soldier writes a letter home

The piece is short, more a prologue than anything else. There is almost no character development.

The one trend I like in more recent movies and fiction is the idea that humans are not necessarily the good guys. As Tom Clancy pointed out in Clear and Present Danger, while we called the effort to get drugs off the street the war on drugs, historically there have been only two real wars linked directly to drugs, and in both cases it was the English using Opium to pay for commodities bought in China, and forcing the Chinese to accept it in payment.

Write more.

Thorüsa: Midgame
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapters twelve to 14 of an ongoing work, Decisions on who to rescue...

The continuing view of the story is very interesting because of the concept that the rituals of their priests do actually interfere with the 'demonic' influences, though like any repressive religion, their view of what is evil is very broad. When you find the sister the 'leech' seeks, there's a brief discourse on past rebellions against their religion. I was interested in the number of them. Like the Original Catholic Church, there is a lot of unrest beneath the surface...

Pick of the Week for work overall.

Fanfiction.net

Knights of the Old Republic: The Unknown Regions
The Lemon Thrower

Post TSL: Now the Exile has her new mission. But first, she must research Revan

The piece is well wrought; the bone deep weariness of the last battle comes across but more is to come. I didn't have a chance to read the other two chapters; I rarely do. But this one looks to be worth the effort.

Pick of the Week

Some Minor Irritation
Niobe Asha

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Somethings just make you forget what you were going to say

It was short and sweet, and that comment above is all I can think of to say about it. As a single scene in a much larger work, it would have been excellent.

Dark Lord Rising
Niobe Asha

Pre KOTOR: A Shakespeare quote brought to life

The end surprised me a bit. Specifically that Revan had already fallen when the last battle occurred, since her contacts with the Sith shouldn't have occurred yet. Historically, this would be like Benedict Arnold deciding to turn traitor the instanat he was put in charge of West Point. Way too short, but it gets you.

Stars
Niobe Asha

PreKOTOR: Two young girls spend quality time together

The problem with it is like everything I've read from the author, it's way too short.

First Dreams
Auros Sopherai

Beginning of the Mandalorian Wars: Canderous takes the first steps toward becoming Manda'Lor, but at a price

The piece had some flaws, primarily grammar, but it was well wrought and compelling.

Technical notes: Usually I spend these pointing out errors, and this will be no exception, but here I also have praise for the portrayal of the Mando'a society. It is reminiscent of the Spartans in that trusted Helots, those slaves from Non Spartan cities, actually fought alongside their putative masters sometimes to the death. Of course here as in real life you have those who look down on those people just because of their status.

Also you added the idea that the various Clans are opponents often enough that only Manda'lor could call them together in peace.

Negative one: Not even the Spartans put a Helot in command of 'real' Spartans. Minor point, but true.

Negative two: While you had a good explanation as to why their IR wasn't operating at the start, it wouldn't have continued into the next day. Oh I'll admit the specific spot where the plasma hit would still be hot perhaps days later, but as with say an incendiary weapon, the blast would not go that far from that target site.

Very well done

Pick of the Week

Lost Twice Over
Sandra Evans

Post TSL: Sometimes talking to a stranger in a bar helps...

The only negative I found was the jump from his sorrows in the apartment to the bar without a break. In fact I actually hit the page up button just to make sure I hadn't missed one.

The two characters were well written and clearly defined, and having Carth figure out that it's Atton he's speaking to was choice. Seems three guys were in love, all lost, and all hang at the same bar.

Pick of the Week

Forgive and Forget
Muhnemma

KOTOR on Korriban: With Revan exhausted from the fight for the last Star Map, Carth makes his move.

The piece did and didn't surprise me. First, having Carth decide to kill her made sense of a sort, though his blithe 'we'll deal with Malak without you' was a little flat. Whistling in the dark to my mind considering the hell they later went through on Lehon.

Having her accept his decision also made sense. In my own version of the Korriban mission I had Revan herself instruct her crew to create a gauntlet even she could not pass if she fell on the planet, with a multilayer defense designed by all of her people, and removed from the minds of anyone who might leak it to her.

If interested, it's located at LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > KOTOR excerpts > page 3 > post 106 and 119.

The only line I didn't agree with was the 'I loved him, but when he wouldn't let it go, I didn't love him anymore' idea.

Pick of the Week

The Path of an Exile
EmeraldDragon951

Post TSL on Dantooine: With their main mission completed, the Exile and his disciples now begin to build anew. But the enemy is watching...

Some grammar problems, but nothing that can't be fixed by a sight edit.

While the idea of infiltrating some of your own Sith into the mix works as a basic premise, I can't see anyone with any serious training doing it unless you use a sleeper agent who doesn't know he is one, ala the book Telefon by Walter Wager. Anyone who would try would be readily detected in time due to something as simple as attitudes.

Technical note: Changing out lightsaber crystals in the game uses a workbench. While I think it would probably be easy enough using basic hand tools, I can't see someone just popping it open like replacing a magazine of ammunition in a firearm.

Meditations On Malachor
All The Umbrellas In London

At the end of the Mandalorian Wars: Different Jedi view the last battle in their own ways

Wrong words used some times, wonder instead of wander for example.

Technical note: Vandar did not to use the euphemism, Yoda-speak

The biggest problem with the scenes on Coruscant is as I mentioned, Vandar does not speak like Yoda. Also, condemning the Exile out of hand does not make sense. That was part of the reason I didn't like the 'trial' scene in TSL.

Burned by the fires of a Galaxy aflame
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR spanning from Dantooine on: The adventure begins

The piece is well done, portraying in the first chapter the final moments before the young man puts on his robes and accepts the Jedi order.

Letting Go
OnlytheForce

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile deals with the death of Atton.

A well written emotional display of one of the cut scenes from the game.

Our Minds Are Mist
The Masked Bandit

KOTOR enroute to Korriban: The crew works to prepare for the next confontation

The piece (At least the first chapter) needs some editing and polishing. First, remember possessives (Ship(')s latest, Davik(')s Ebon Hawk. Second remember to have spacing after punctuation. Third reread your sentences to make sure they say what you mean; 'He had been using blasters for his entire time on Taris,that he welcomed the chance to ge to grips with a different weapon' only makes sense if you think about it.

When some is reading your work, you don't want them trying to work out what your sentences mean. You want them reading and visualizing what is happening. I tend to liken the flow of a story to a river. What you want is a slow smooth ride except for when you have action, when it's choppy, or even white water. Not sand bars that hang the reader up trying to figure out where to go next, or disrupting the tranquil scene.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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