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Old 01-19-2013, 02:34 AM   #1321
machievelli
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Fanfiction.net

Into the Frey
Tealfrog26

During ANH: Three real odd fellows escape from the Tantive IV

Grammar problems; You here(hear) them to(o) right, and the word is fray (Battle) not Frey (Norse God) also it is console, not counsel.

The piece was light, confusing, and a riot. The end of the first chapter, with the officer not shooting the pod because there was no intelligent life in it was just icing on the cake.

Full Circle
Athena Solaris

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: Only now does she realize her error

The piece is a long rationalization of why the changes for the worse are good. Yet inside the newly risen Revan, there was hope until this moment.

Pick of the Week

Forgiveness
FrackinAmazin

KOTOR after the Leviathan revelation: The only one left to accept the truth is Carth

The piece is basically a generic view of Carth accepting who Revan is now rather than who she had been. While some react negatively to the term generic, it means just that it is a workmanlike job without too many frills. It was worth the read.

Behind The Mask
Zay-el

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Behind the mask there is someone who is seeking love

The piece focuses on just one thing, the burgeoning relationship between Revan and Bastila. The situation is lightened by Mission almost giggling like a school girl about Bastila's condition.

As I commented in my own KOTOR work, it would have been more logical for the Jedi to teach focusing and controlling their emotions rather than denying them completely.

Stargate: Republic Commando Star Wars Version
Taitcoca2009

Republic Commando/Stargate Crossover: Delta Squad finds a strange portal to...Earth?

The piece needs a sight edit. A lot of times a word is truncated, such as the word any being spelled as Ny. Don't sweat that, I sometimes have letters left off because my keyboard sticks a bit. That's why I said sight edit.One thing you did consistently is misspell Separatist.

The real negative I have of this is it violates the 'long ago in a galaxy far, far away' rule. While a Stargate can transport you across space, why would they end up in our world of today? Why not arrive before the Egyptians buried it initially? In fact the arrival of people like Delta squad could have been the catalyst for that action.

To Helen On the Occasion of Her Birth
Lorelei Jane

Post TSL: A pair of proud parents begin a diary for their newborn daughter.

The piece is in two parts; one for each parent, and both have the feel and voice of the characters well established. I liked the nuances of each, Jennet chiding her about the first kiss that won't happen for over a decade, and all the effort she will end up putting into having privacy for that. Balanced by Canderous wanting her to choose a man willing to stand up to her father; not without fear (Or I won't have done my job right) and comparing the birth to a planning and surviving a battle.

Perfect.

Pick of the Week

The One Force Book I
Mr. Dimensional

KOTOR on Taris: The beginning of the saga

I don't know why the author discontinued the work, it was rather good; changing up the beginning to put a Sith trooper in Trask's place, having both her and Carth starting to have emotional feelings earlier than anticipated. I would have liked to see it continue.

Pick of the week

Finale
Plebia

TSL after final fight with Kreia: One last battle before they go on

The piece is well done, and the diatribe at G0T0 about what she will do if he doesn't let her finally destroy Malachor was choice.

Pick of the Week

Rapper's Tale
Rapperport

Star Wars Galaxy: A planet separated from the galaxy for over as century sends out a probe to discover what has happened to the Old Republic

Well written, though confusing for the reasons mentioned below.

First, what basis for comparison does the main character have when determining what is girlfriend is like? Think of comparing someone from the Old Spanish Empire to a modern day Spanish girl, which is close enough in time to use.

Technical note: You confused me with the idea that the planet the character represents has been separated from the Galaxy for 111 years. You see, that means the representative in the Senate has also been separated for the same time. It wasn't until later that I worked out that it was the planet itself trying to contact the Republic again.

For Mandalore
Niobe Asha

No specific period given: A mando'a's thoughts going into battle

The piece is short, but it gives an insight into the thoughts of a warrior going into battle.

Light and Dark
SweetPea88

TSL after Malachor V: A new vision leads the Exile to her new quest

The piece was a bit confusing, but by the end I wished there was more.

Pick of the Week

Cloak and Dagger
Kendoka Girl

TSL during Onderon Civil War: As they approach, the Exile wonders who the enemy is below...

The piece is interesting because of a deprture from the basic game, having Atton change sides and set up his erstwhile companions. Very excellent concept.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:26 AM   #1322
machievelli
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For some reason, my posts at SWK keep starting with Deprecated: Function ereg_replace() is deprecated in /home/starwars/public_html/fusion/index.php. Any ideas?

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars: KotOR: Revelations Part One - The Echo of Revan
The_Catto

Five years post TSL: Echoes of his past still haunt the Exile

The piece is remininscent of a story I read years ago; a man obsessed with a woman he knew only briefly and lost in death and every time he meets someone new he reenacts the first time they met, then rejects the new woman. A friend had a clone made of this perfect woman, yet the first time he meets her, she fails the same test.

The Exile is mentally locked onto an ideal, a perfect scene where his questions will be answered. Sadly in real life, this doesn't always happen.

Fanfiction.net

Like Revan
Auros Sopherai

Post TSL: A trio from the two crews undertake a special mission

The piece needs editing, as some sentences are poorly written anf there are some grammatical errors.

The basic premise is good, but there were too many places where it jarred me. Having some knowledge of espionage, I saw too many places where the team is far too credulous, assuming that things will go their way, and one was in using everything their supplier gave them without question.

Carth was even worse. Name any organization you wish, and I am sure that you can find data that ties them to unsavory elements in our society. Watch the movie Red Dawn where the occupiers of the town define the Boy Scouts as a 'paramilitary organization' as if it were the American version of the Hitler Youth.

Remember that Operation Enduring Freedom was planned using information the CIA 'cherry picked' (Chosing only data that supports rather than any that would suggest otherwise) to 'prove' that Iraq still had access to Weapons of Mass Destruction. The only thing proven of that data was having Intermediate Range Ballistic Missiles they should not have had.

That same data never explained where 286,000 liters of chemical weapons precursors went either...

Bastila's Redemption
EmeraldDragon951

Four years Post KOTOR: What will the Council do with a newly fallen Jedi?

A few grammical errors. Weather instead of whether.

The basics are good, though the council comes across as split beyond those willing to give her a chance, and those who expect her to fail. I only had a chance to read the first chapter, but what I did read was workmanlike.

Vision Thing
Niki Chidon

Post KOTOR: Across the gulf of years, Morgana speaks to Carth again

The piece is short, sad, and poignant, the vision Revan has seguing into an actual vision Morgana had before she met her husband, and then into her final words.

Revelations
daemonette19

KOTOR after the Leviathan: How does Revan deals with this news?

The reaction is shocking because she deals with it by freaking out more than anyone else aboard. A very well done piece.

Pick of the week

In the Breast Pocket
Sandra Evans

During TSL: Carth keeps two things in his pocket

The piece is soft and a bit disjointed. The idea that the ring he wished to give her shares the pocket is a nice touch.

Tempering The Blade
Lady Zenoka

During Clone Wars: Anakin finds a tableau 4,000 years old

The idea that the two times are connected somehow is not new. I didn't have time to read to far into it.

The Empire's Commandos
Faces Come out of the rain

During General order 66 at Jedi temple: The Commandos are part of the operation

The piece started off generally well, but soon became repetitive, new room, same attempt by youngling(s) to defend themselves, holding and killing in the same manner pretty much everty time.

Dreams and Realities
Nina Of the Galaxy

Pre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Now she has a new dream

The piece comes across as if Revan is a young teenager suddenly fixated on the new boy in town. She wanted to be a smuggler, now, she wants Carth.

Battle Meditation
El Stormo

preKOTOR: A demostration of battle meditation

An interesting look at how battle meditation can be used. The piece was a bit confusing at first, since every description suggests that the technique affects both sides of the equation. In the situation revealed in the first chapter, it is being used to confuse the enemy, but leaving the pilot and gunner of the shuttle alone.

He's Come Back
The Kiss of Immortality

Four Years Post KOTOR: An unexpected visitor

The piece is intriguing; why has Revan kept Carth out of her daughter's life? Considering that she spent several months running around during the Star Forge adventure, and an unspecified time being reprogrammed by the Council it has to be Carth's child. The intro made me want to find out, as a good story should.

Pick of the week

A Master's Tale
liquid vash

Pre-Star Wars series: The genesis of Master Yoda

The author's first fanfic. While the author commented on 'others have done this before' in all of my work as a critic now on four different sites, it is the first 'Yoda as a youngling' work I have seen. The whole work is only about 3500 words in two chapters, and I was left wondering why it still sits here fallow. It was a good start.

Only one negative; I can't see their teachers handing a child a practice lightsaber after only two days.

Grieve for Me
Lady Zenoka

Two years post KOTOR: With a simple letter, she is gone

I almost passed this piece by; since I cannot write even remotely descent poetry, I merely started to go on. Yet the ending, the bereft man left with his daughter alone stopped me.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 01-26-2013 at 11:31 AM.
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Old 01-29-2013, 01:32 PM   #1323
machievelli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Prisoner_24601 View Post
Hey Machievelli,

Just wanted to let you know that KFM is back up with a new domain name at:

http://kotorfanmedia.net/

We had problems with our domain name (namely that the moderator that had all of the info about it was long gone and we couldn't get in contact with her). So we've moved the site until it can be resolved. Also, stay tuned as the site will probably be expanding in the near future. If you could help us spread the word about our new home, I'd be grateful.

Thanks for all of your hard work and the reviews for our readers. I know it means a lot to them.

-Prisoner24601
Hey, any idea what happened this time?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-04-2013, 10:45 AM   #1324
machievelli
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Of Sith and Jedi Old Friends and New
Lossefalme

TSL aboard Harbinger: Atton meets some old 'friends'.

The piece flows relatively well, The situation well portrayed. My primary problem with it is the same problem I have with the game itself; being a brute who tortures at the drop of a hat is too stereotypical.

Death of a Savior
Lady Kenoka

KOTOR after Leviathan: Carth decides on vengeance

Logically, the piece covers one option for Carth in real life; that he would kill Revan. I just wish the author had let us read the last letter too.

Beautiful Disaster
MadameLupin

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile considers her relationship with Atton

Only two problems I saw, first, in the sentence 'his body almost of their own violation' should be volition. Also you left out aword in the sentence 'overwhelming desire to kiss him. But I restrain' (myself).

There were two things I liked about it; first, her actions toward him. I had Jolee make a sacrastic comment in my own version of KOTOR about if the Jedi wanted to desensitize their students to things like sex, they should give them comprehensive training rather than merely expecting them to abstain. After all if the last two thousand years are any indication, it didn't work for the Catholic church.

Also the comments on the dark side. If you have read Dark Rendevous, you have a discussion where Count Dooku is trying to convert Yoda to the Dark Side, but all of his arguments for it are linked to personal gain. In the same book you have Ventress trying to convert two Jedi Padawan, and her arguments are more cogent and hard hitting.

Knights of the Old Republic: The New Order
Arcaner

Two and a half years post TSL: As the order rebuilds, new problems arise.

Remember to sight edit; some words will slip past because they pass a spell check such as 'thinner then Bastila though(t) safe'.Also,you tend to not finish sentences. The sentence 'He looked more ruffian then anything else' doesn't scan. Without 'like a'.

The scene where Atton defeat the assassination attempt is perfect! Having the opponents Atton and Mical as the strongest proponents was also choice.

Only read one chapter, but worth a look.

Pick of the week

The Adventures of Korron Zeria: The Saber Quest
Corey M. Smith

No specific era given: Gathering components for a lghtsaber...

I didn't have a chance to read the entire thing, but this was good.

New Dark Side Ending for KOTOR
JediTears09

Post KOTOR: Another option...

The piece is choice because it gives another world version of the end of this scenario; Revan and Carth together even after she had fallen.

Knights of the Old Republic III: The True Sith
Master Chef 505

Post TSL: The fist crew bands with the second to gather their mentors home

Minor point. If you are going to have your character cough as they speak the actual cough itself shoud be separate. Remember to finish sentences. It's a Cheshire Cat. Remember to sight edit. A woman would not rap (music) her arms around someone, she would wrap them, and kill should be killed/ The Exile would met, not met.


Except for the things I have mentioned above, the piece is excellent.

Pick of The Week

Stay
Jiara Anatalis

TSL enroute to Nar Shaddaa: The Exile confronts her fragile memory

The author has done good work as always, bringing out the despair felt by Bao-Dur in his General not remembering him. In my work the Exile had a hyper acute memory; at one point when Atton tells his secret she rattles off the number of men that died under her command. But it could have easily gone this way as well.

Pick of the Week

Remembering to Forget
Plebia

TSL on Telos: Two old comrades meet, and both are glad they don't remember too much

The author clearly defines both characters even in so short a piece. This one of those I wish I had time to read fully.

Pick of the Week

Waiting in the dark
Danena

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton awaits his judgment.

The piece flows very well, the idea that for the first time in a long time he is willing to actually let a Jedi read his thoughts an interesting twist. Well done

Would You Light My Candle?
BreeLady

TSL no location given: Well, it's one way to make the lessons fun

The piece is light and fluffy, the Exile using a simple method to teach Atton, and at the same time having fun with her affect on the man. Very amusing.

Mandalorian War Lore
Xion92

Mandalorian War Era: The final confrontation before Revan departs

While competently written, the story doesn't gel. First, consider that the Council would not let Revan leave if he acted this way. It's one thing to have a disagreement, then leave to follow your own path. It's quite another to attack one of the Council members and be forcibly ejected.

Look at it this way; In 1861, while both sides of the argument as to whether the States had the right to secede was bitter and acrimonious, there was no open conflict before Fort Sumter. In fact the Southern Cadets who resigned from West Point marched out with the band of that institution playing Dixie.

What you've had Revan do is the equivalent of those same cadets taking control of the arsenal, stripping out every weapon they can carry, and shooting anyone who stood in their way, which would have drawn an equally violent response. They would have arrested him on the spot.

Also, Vandar doesn't speak like Yoda.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-09-2013, 11:11 AM   #1325
machievelli
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Wedding-Day
Achalys

TSL: The worst day in Atton's life

Remember to check spelling visually. For some reason my WP program is refusing to spell check, which means occasionally I have to stop and manually do so. As examples you spelled Malachor wrong, and used cept (as in except) instead of kept. Also rememberconversation breaks. You have the conversation leading up to the fight all in one lump.

The piece is a bit confused emotionally between Atton being irritated, then willing to let go. Considering his mood and the generic feel of the wedding, it is good that he didn't arrive during the 'does anyone know why they can't' portion.

Meeting A New Friend
EragonPeep

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Revan and Malak meet the Exile for the first time.

Remember to sight edit; you have the pair 'sho' ing their charge around. Then you have the other pair(s) walking off.

It was interesting having a prepubescent boy looking at a girl the same age and defining her body as "I'll be your friend no matter what the circumstances!". It is the age where you can now tell boys from girls by such a thing, but most boys at that age still don't react to the difference.

The author gives us a 'voice' to assign to Amanda, and visualizing it made the scene work. I was reminded of the point where Harry and Ronald from the first movie become friends with Hermoine Granger, except for the groining. Well done.

A Miserable Hymn
BreeLady

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Visas mourns a lost chance

The piece fits Visas like a glove. She has no experience in the matters of love; less than even a young Jedi. So if someone pays attention to her, she's unsure how to react. Being supplanted by someone with experience would hurt her more than Mira being rejected would have.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic Ending
Sir Nicholas

KOTOR on the Star Forge: The end

Remember to do a sight edit. You used where (Location) instead of were. Remember conversation breaks, during the conversation between Revan and Malak, you combined the conversation into paragraphs.

The work is basically a generic retelling of the final battle and escape.

Stuck Aboard the Ebon Hawk
Popsot

Post KOTOR: Now what do we do?

I don't know... I expected the angsty let down of an infantry unit, or the gasp of relief of any group of warriors who have survived. Instead I got high school pranks with Canderous as the bully, and Carth being humilitated by a parade of friends and his mother, Zalbaar finally telling Mission that her nickname for him is a gross insult in his language, and (Shudder) Disco.

A lot of fun.

Yuthara's Gizka
Bald As Malak

One Year Post KOTOR: Yuthura Ban finally finds healing

The piece is like all of BAM's work. It is a gentle time of healing, and having her rescuer merely be there until she is willing to socialize fits well with the gentle scene. Her last words to the little animal before she goes to sleep in the first chapter tells exactly how antisocial she has been through her life. I wish I could read the other four chapters.

Pick of the Week

Falling with Grace
Lyra Skye

Pre KOTOR: A look into the lives of the characters

The piece is an interesting aside from the carnage we know will follow. Merely two young people finally willing to speak their minds. There are five more chapters, but as always, I don't have the time to pursue them.

The Untold of Adventures of Revan
Popsot

KOTOR/Halo crossover after Leviathan: The ship needed repair, so they stopped at the Halo...

The piece is a bit of cutesy fun. Having the Master Chief, his suit AI and the characters converse got a little weird. After exlaining their exactly similar purposes;

"...We're tasked with using super-human abilities to put an end to an evil empire...Cortana, isn't this where you pop in and make some smarmy observation?"

Cortana replies, "Usually, yes, but I'm fresh out of material."

That and HK acting like a kid in a candy store using the ship's chain gun...

Knights of the Old Republic
Fury Of Heaven

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins

While the author was faithful to the dialogue of the game; usually something that bores me to tears, I had a lot of fun reading the internal dialogue. The character comes across about where I did when I had gone through the intro for the fourth or fifth time; irreverent, irritated by the constant harping of Trask on the fight through the ship, and also frustrated with Carth's lines.

For the love of Force
Darth Phex

KOTOR From Leviathan to Star Forge: It's beginning to get weird...

Remember to sight edit, you have Carth wining (dealing with the drink wine) instead of whining, and Malak as a medal (Award) head instead of metal head.

Right from the start this is not what I expected; Throwing Bastila onto the bridge to confuse the enemy. Having Saul confess he loves Carth, then having Rena (Revan) making sarcastic comments about her being Darth Revan, but no one thinking they're funny...

The Legend of Revan Episode I: Enter the Shadow
FreeHandMan06

Revan's early life: The Masters judge their students

The problem is that the 'prophesy of the Chosen One' is being used too often over four millennia From Revan here to Anakin. Back in the '70s I wrote a short story since incorporated into the second of my Gryphonrider series where the main character finds an adventure in a pub.

As the editor that rejected it commented, everyone seems to think the bar is where to start, which is why it, like the prophesy mentioned, is hackneyed.

Flip Side of a Coin
Boom Boom

Because of the brevity of part one, I had to read part two. The largest problem is the work needs sight editing and polishing. You used through to exterior instead of through'the' describing vibrations, then called it a sheet fleet.

The title fits the work; first having Malak seem to weary of the war, then having the heroine freeze because it's happening too fast, then realizing that the reason Trask won't look at her is she is in her underwear.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-16-2013, 12:54 AM   #1326
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Youth
RevanSama

Pre-Mandalorian Wars AU: When you need a trasure hunter, sometimes you get more.

Remember to sight edit. There were several places in just the first posting where we had problems...

it wasn't easy for her son neither. (Avoid double negatives, so her son either) determinate should be determined. much and leaved. Should be left. didn't took it back should be take it, not took. saying that with those guys later should be earlier, and surprise(d) by Revan's stubbornness.

The premise, that a Jedi could dream of what might have been was excellent.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Thoughtlife
StormTorrent

KOTOR after Leniathan: After leaving the Ebon Hawk, Carth reconsiders.

The piece needs some sight editing and polishing, but on the whole was well written. In fact, my only negative comment is technical.

Technical note. Of course you had Mission say she had equipped the escape pod with a hyperdrive, but remember that 4,000 years later, fighters still need warp rings to use hyperdrive. An escape pod is not designed for long range deployment. It is basically a can full of air with rudimentary engines and controls for basic navigation and communication. It is enough to hopefully keep you alive until you reach a nearby planet, but little more. But nearby is in planetary systems terms; being jettisoned say near Neptune, and reaching Earth from there.

Unlike Captain William Bligh who sailed an open boat an epic 3,618 nautical mile (6,701 km) voyage from Tofua to Timor after the Bounty Mutiny. Carth would not have that option. Bligh at least had the advantage that he had access to the same forces that drove his own larger ship earlier.

How to Bother Carth
Handmethatcookie

KOTOR Non-Canon aboard Ebon Hawk: All right, who told Revan about Myspace?

It's of course, not of chores.

Of course I am usually leery of non-canon stories. And I almost always come down on people who can't tell a hatch from a door (you don't have doors on a ship, kids). But I was giggling about ten paragraphs into this, so I'll let it slide.

If you picture Revan as a young teen, and Carth as her father, it couldn't have gone better. Eight chapters, which I don't have time to read.

Damn it.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars KOTOR II: The Final Waltz
Dante-raven

2 years post TSL: One of those left behind has to deal with the possible future

The piece like a lot of the Force Vision stories is a bit surreal and fast paced. The last line of the prologue; that all of the fighting between the Jedi and the Sith is interesting. My ex-wife used to joke that the First World War was a family disagreement that the rest of the world was invited to.

Knights of the Old Republic: A scoundrel's story
Jedi Master Rimsek

During TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Having survived Goto's interference, two smugglers have things they have to do.

It should be pollutant laden, our turrets, not out. These are sight editing problems, so no biggie.

The piece is short as the author said, but a lot was packed into it. The aftermath is interesting, since a lot of what is discussed by the pair is logical, with comments about needing a pair rather than a single engine, and other repairs or replacements necessary.

A pity the author got only one review.

Pick of the Week

54 Years of Age
Achalys

16 years Post KOTOR: What every man fears forgetting...

Remember to finish sentences. It should be; 'He looked worse than (their) daughter on her bad days, and even though he loved True, that was saying (a) lot'. No biggie, I sight edit my own stuff because I do this occasionally too.

Having been married twice I know how horrible it can be when this happens. The piece is funny because all the clues are there; the calendar at home, the calendars on his desk. As an old friend would say, he couldn't buy a clue if you told him what store to get one at. Worse yet, his big save, the button under his desk isn't a secret to his son, so it gets revealed at just the wrong time...

I for one was lucky. I always remembered the anniversaries, which ticked the second ex off to no end, because she forgot it.

Pick of the Week

Another Path to Follow
Milady78

TSL AU: When Obi Wan is not chosen by Qui-Gon, the Force finds a way...

I usually don't have time to read more than a single chapter but this time, the prologue required that I take the time. The basic idea is intriguing; the student is not going to be taught, and the Force takes a hand to make sure he is. In this case going so far as to transport young Kenobi 4,000 years into the past.

I still hadn't had my questions answered by reading the second chapter, and this is in a way very good; an author should draw you into the story, and make you want to read on, even if it starts with a WTF moment.

Pick of the Week

A Selkath Festival
Atoz

KOTOR on Manaan: While taking some down time, the crew hears about a dance...

The piece, like the one above, required me to read further just to figure out what is going on. Festivals are probably one of the only things every people of our world have that are universal, though the why and how of such a celebration is always different. I didn't have time to read very far, but it sounds interesting.

So You DO Remember
The Thermopage

Remember to sight edit because words will slip past because they are properly spelled, even if they do not fit. For example it is scared (frightened) not scarred (having scars)

The premise that the memories are there, but just locked away makes sense, because when you delete a file on a computer it really hasn't been destroyed, only sequestered until overwritten. But the idea that they can all be accessed again is dangerous. Unless you know why the person made some of his decisions, you cannot explain his actions. So having them there to review can cause untoward actions.

The Phantom Menace
HoratiosBabyMama

Cowritten with Mithostwen: A recast of the first movie

The piece was a lot of fun. Having the characters replaced by those from KOTOR worked and worked well. Jolee replacing Qui-Gon was a very nice touch, and his driving his padawan Bastila to distraction is like the spice in spice cake.

Oh, and Batu Rem is the security guard replaced by the assassin sent to kill the Exile and her crew on Citadel Station.

On major Hiatus, and that bothers me; I wanted more!

Pick of the Week

An Exile's Path
SidiousSith

TSL on Malachor V: The escape is only the beginning...

You went from third person to first about two paragraphs in. This is an editing problem, so it's no big worries. Setting up the follow on as they escaped was a nice touch.

Parenthood
Tatooine92

Clone Wars with Delta Squad: All right, what training manual do you use for this?

When I see Tatooine92 as the author, I know I'm in for a treat, and this is no exception. The idea that a combat team is suddenly saddled with a kid, and an affectionate one at that is a fun way to start. The one thing I liked about the Clone Wars series is the way the Clones deal with children. Too often, writers equate soldier with brainwashed homicidal monsters. But even the worst armies in the world, with a few notable exceptions, are still human in their actions.

It is true, regardless of the propaganda of America's enemies, that if you go back just during my lifetime, the memory most children have of an American soldier is some big guy from another country who is handing out candy, or bandaging them.

I wish I could read it all, Steph.

Pick of the Week

Snowfall
BrokenFate117

During the Jedi Civil War: How Jaq became Atton

Remember to sight edit. You say he hadn't like rather than hadn't liked killing.

The premise is not new, but the method of healing is. By changing all of the heat to ice, it is burned away, his act in killing his savior just the last gasp of his previous personality. Very well done.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 02-23-2013, 11:22 AM   #1327
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The Dark Side of Love
Vila Restal

KOTOR AU aboard Ebon Hawk: The newly fallen Darth Revan strikes

My only question is why you called the piece AU except for his love interest dying first?

Atton's Mind
Achalys

TSL no specific time or location given: Atton gives the reader a tour inside his head.

Only one negative, it's either caring or sharing, not charing.

An odd turn for Atton considering how he reacted when he found that the Exile had read him. I felt sort of like a shrink using chemical therapy to understand a patient.

Dark Messiah: The Beginning
Vile Twitch

Several years pre-Mandalorian Wars: Where Revan began

It is eradicated and answered. Remember to sight edit. You used here (Location) several times when you meant hear.

Technical note, Society: First, at age six, which is where you start the boy, you have him hating his own society. But we learn to hate our society because of other opinions at that age. Picture a six year old kid in Nazi Germany around 1938. Depending on his station in life and parent's political and religious bent he would reflect that opinion; I.E. if they were Communists they would loathe the Nazis, If they were jews they would be uncomfortable, Etc.

But the child would form those ideas from the way their parents taught them. A German child above would not hate 'Germany', rather he would hate those within that society that treat him badly, like a Jewish boy hating his neighbors who look down on him because of his religion. If you merely had him hate specific people because of the way they act, it would be more logical.

Technical note, Society 2: Beyond making the main character an outsider because of how he is treated, you have done little to examine the why. In a warrior society, you would have those who are left out in the cold, but not among those in training to be warriors. While I pretty much loathed the portrayal of Spartan Society from birth to training in the movie 300, it was close to accurate. However a young boy is not going to learn to be a warrior by merely picking two older boys to beat him up. Until he knows how to fight, and why to fight, it's just school yard bullying.

Also, as Karen Traviss (The primary writer using the Mando'a in the EU) points out over and over, if they did not accept those who come into their society from the outside, the Mandalorians would have died out millennia ago, just as Sparta collapsed due to trying to keep themselves separate. So giving him grief because he is a half-breed is like giving an immigrant in the army grief for that reason. One way to earn your citizenship here in the US for those from outside our borders is to join and take the chance of dying.

Technical note Animals: As often as people in the Star Wars universe use the same animals over and over, unless you transport an animal from it's home to a new environment, it will not exist in that new one. There are similar types; you have big cats world wide with the exception of Oceana for example. It would have been better to merely say it was 'like' a vornskr.

Star Wars Battlefront III
ThE WROng PersON fOr mE

Set in Star Wars Battlefront: More a wish than a story

This is more an idea suggestion than a story.

To Face Judgement
EragonPeep

Pre KOTOR: The punishment of the Exile hurts more than her

Remember to sight edit, as you can make mistakes but have them pass a spellcheck; for example, butterflies would flutter past, not passed, and the sphere would have an aura, not 'and aurora'. It would be war veteran, not veterinarian. Also, it like a child, not children. And that is just the start.

There were interesting clues that, if followed, might give us a lot more backstory about the Exile.

She Was Not An Idiot
Amme Moto

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: If they only knew...

The idea that Revan still has all of her memories is not new, but in it's way the way the author portrays that fact is amusing. I could see people thinking her a bit slow because she doesn't give her name until the end.

Technical, Militaria: It would be serial number (As it was before I served in the 70s) but now is called service number, not 'soldier number'. However, your service number doesn't change, so Carth would not have an automatic 'command' rank in his. For that you have instead what is called an MOS, or 'Method of Service' designation. For example, in the Army you have 19B or 19M, which is Infantry scout (B) or Mechanized Dismount Scout (M).

Series of KOTOR One shots
SnowMiser1825

Posr KOTOR: Revan makes her goodbyes and asks those left behind to help keep the Republic alive

Remember to sight edit. First, it is Malak, not The Malak who has been defeated. Also, breathe is the action of breathing, so you meant breath.

This is one period not covered in the games beyond the offhand comments in TSL that Revan left, and why. I only read the first of the chapters because I didn't have time to read further.

Lost Already
Jedi of Ennth

Post KOTOR: Revan pauses in her quest for the New Sith, and leaves with a tale of her past

The piece is well written, and the world we know so well viewed by people who have no clue what the worlds beyond their world is like. I am reminded of C3PO explaining their mission to the Ewoks.

Pick of the Week

Shadows and Dust
Kendoka Girl

Pre Mandalorian wars: Revan begins to gather her followers

The Primary problem is that you have Revan setting up the equvalent of the War between the States without considering that such an option leaves no retreat. As I pointed out in a previous review, the War began with a lot of disagreement, but hadn't reached wartime status yet. Historically, when the Southern cadets decided to leave West Point they were ushered out with the band playing 'Dixie' instead of being arrested. If the Southerners had gone as far as you describe the Union would have slapped them down long before they joined the war.

Cross Season
Vikung Fu

KOTOR Dark side ending: The Sith descend on Coruscant

The piece is well done, the only jarring note the idea that the Star Forge is capable of hyperlight travel. If it had such capability, the Rakata would have fought over it rather than the planets during their civil war. Because whoever controlled it would rule. There is an old term, 'dog in a manger'. It implies someone who cannot use a resource, keeping others from it.

This is the reason the Seti Protocols were never signed by the US, Communist China, or the old Soviet Union. In every 'alien landing' scenario here on Earth, the people who have the landing are a target simply because of the technological leap such a situation would give them. With a mission to either capture or destroy that tech.

Kev Likes His Locker
Saber Girls

KOTOR on Manaan: It's nice to be in the locker...

It is very short, and incoherent, which considering the subject is not surprising. A couple of errors; soilder instead of soldier, there instead of their, and deat instead of dead.

I Dare You
Achalys

Setting the choice of the reader: How can you stop a forlorn hope?

Very short but to the point. The term Forlorn Hope means a suicide mission usually manned by the gutter sweepings of an army. A mission with a high chance of death, that could change the battle drastically in your favor if successful, but will cost you little or nothing.

The final missions in both games remind me of the concept. That the crew of one little ship will alter the course of history with their actions.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-03-2013, 10:47 AM   #1328
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Kotor: Goodbye my most precious world
Revan sama

Pre-KOTOR: The revival of Darth Revan did not go as planned

Remember to sight edit. You wrote that 'he didn't just gained' when it should be gain, and 'didn't thought' when it should be didn't think, 'how far have they progress' should be progressed, Revan asked coldly, not coldly Revan, stands proudly, not stand, 'Malak has ordered to fire his master's ship' needs 'his crew' after ordered and 'on' after fire.

put her hand on his mask, to removed it. change 'to' to and, 'How can someone like this could fall so far?' the word could is redundant.

"Mobilized the others Jed-" doesn't make sense, if you bring a wild animal into a cage, even tranquilized you assume the worst, so the others should be ready to strike immediately.

An interesting take on the back story, having him appear to be 'cured' before they have done anything. Sort of reminiscent of my own KOTOR novel where Bastila joins to minds and replaces Revan's with the other dying woman.

French and Japanese with English third? That explains some of the errors above.

Fanfiction.net

Rust Buckets And Rude Meatbags
DarthPeaches

Pre-KOTOR on Tatooine: a young woman will soon meet and old enemy

The intro information gives more than the story actually covered. I liked the basics, but there was a glaring inconsistency:

It has been ten years since the murders, but that predates Revan building HK by almost three years. This of course assumes (As a lot of writers do) that he or she was the builder. As much as that might be the case it would be easier to assume that HK was incapacitated after an attempt on Revan's life and reprogrammed by the Jedi, ala the Terminator series, where in the second movie a Terminator is reprogrammed and sent back to protect John Connor. That begs the question of the original manufacturer, though finding the factory of HK 50 and 51 droids on Telos (A side quest) might point the way.

We also have no age on the girl. How old was she when her parents were murdered?

A pity the author stopped here, I really wonder what the answers are to those questions.

Chasing Ghosts
Faelyn Leaf

Post TSL: She's returned... but to what?

Remember to sight edit. In the first sentence you had her return 'to' this dump, lose not loose a few hands, see his murder, not she.

The basic idea and portrayal is excellent; looking at the aftermath of Revan's hiatus seen after the fact through Atton's eyes. I wasn't able to read beyond chapter one, but I wished I could.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Galaxies Tales Tilana Robalo
Aramas Sky

Set in SW Galaxies Imperial Period: A young child's tale

I noticed that you had requested a beta-reader, which is something I was going to suggest. During the fight after being boarded, you repeated the same sequence of events twice in the same paragraph for example.

The boarding sequence made little sense, because if you are arresting traitors aboard a ship, you do not automatically assume everyone there is equally guilty just because they aboard her. If that is what you intend to do, it's easier to use gas to knock them all out, and remove the ones you do want, then if you're viscious, blow the ship up. After all, if the now abandoned ship is found someone will ask questions. Remember in the book version of ANH Vader gave orders to report that Leia's ship had crashed killing all aboard.

The piece had a tendency to be disjointed. You have her going from a loving family, to being rescued to being kidnapped and sold into slavery, to being sold to someone who gets her to a safe place, covering about ten years in the process but doing it as if merely laying out the situation.

Father & Son
EmeraldDragon951

18 years post KOTOR: The son of the Dark lord prepares for their confrontation

By the end of the first segment I was more confused than anything else. First, the information about the pregnancy suggests twins, after all, you said 'they' a few times, yet we only have the one as the focus of the story. Part of the problem is that the avenging son is an old and hackneyed idea, going all the way back to Mythology. Look at Oedipus, Jason, and Horus, all stories where the child is chosen by prophecy to kill someone, and does when they reach manhood.

Making him a grey Jedi does make some sense, but you run right into the 'start to the darkside and you never come back' view. As many have done so and been redeemed, it is sort of like all the things people tell their children about everything from drugs to premarital sex. There I think you did well, balancing out the portions, and finding uses for them at the appropriate times

A New Hope Reborn
00augustina00

Pre-KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The stage is set

The piece is a generic run through of the game for the two chapters I did read. This is not a negative comment, merely pointing out that you added little to the basic story as shown in the game.

My Life as A Warrior
Tyrk

Set about 30 years after the Mandalorian Wars: A Mandalorian Jedi speaks of his past.

A minor quibble; when you're writing a man's autobiography, you're not going to comment on his actions 'four thousand years ago' unless he's immortal.

I understand his complaint about being called a Jedi; it's just a title, and marks the person whether he follows their teachings or not. The Waffen SS for example were all assumed to be hardcore Nazis, even though it was the only German formation with a record of telling the Party off when it was a military matter. As a character in the book Watch On the Rhine put it; 'We ignored Hitler and we ignored Himmler, either of whom could have us shot. What makes you think we'll listen to you?'.

Military tech note; A Mandalorian radio is part of his armor. Why is the main character A: without a comlink of his own, and B; (Since it's part of the helmet) borrowing one when he could just tell the onsite commander to pass the same order he gives?

Absolutely Mental
SViolinist

KOTOR on Taris: Carth finally gets a chance to speak to his new companion

Remember to finish sentences; you have him throw the 'young' over his shoulder.

The little there is of the piece is well done. Having Carth come around confused by continuing to escape and evade was very good. I just wish there was more to it.

This is My Father's World
The Tygre

Post TSL: Visas returns to her dead homeworld, bearing the promise of renewal

The piece hit me in the gut with the emotions of the returning woman. All of her dreams linked to that one precious seed, and the hope that her world was not completely dead. Their actions were well portrayed, their unwillingness to join emotionally and physically until they had their proof was perfect, almost as if knowing the world could still bring forth life was the key they needed.

Having Nihilus not as some dark-side nemesis, but as something Visas had to move beyond was perfect.

Pick of the Week

Of Droids and Jedi
Dooku

KOTOR on Dantooine: What if Revan had just said no?

The word is ornament not ordainment, and along rather than a long.

That said, the piece snuck up on me and had me laughing. The Masters upset about Lane's memories, especially of parts of Bastila's body. Every other thought or sentence Carth saying coming out paranoid, creating a version of the Dukes of Hazard with Daisy played by a Twi-Lek with breast implants, then Malak so hung up on destroying Taris that it has been done eleven times, even having his troops go down to build targets for them to destroy the next time. Not to mention Mission being clueless about why Carth is always watching Lane so she wonders if maybe he's gay.

Eight more chapters and I wished I could read them all!

Pick of the Week

On the Star Forge
cigarettes and alcohol

KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: The last battles

Remember to end sentences, meaning punctuation wise. Beyond that I see no major flaws.

For a first fan-fic the work is well done. It is mainly generic, but the scenes are clear cut and well defined. Having all of them together and the other two party members wait rather than assist is logical, because unless you're willing to merely kill Bastila, it had to be one on one. Removing all of the Force additions actually makes the scene better.

I know it's a game, but I can tell by how it was designed that the designers are used to standard Medieval fantasy games because of all of the additions to make equipment more 'perfect', and that has always detracted from my enjoyment.

We're Clones, It's What We Do
Chaotech

Kamino before the Clone Wars: One clone is a bit different

The piece needed some polishing, but on the whole for a first work, not too bad.

Some of the rules didn't make sense. Having Jango the only one with the authority to terminate a defective clone would keep him tied to the planet for the rest of his life. Also while programming in special skills does make sense, trying for an all around tactical or strategic commander does not. These are things all of them should have been given, and circumstance would determine who is in charge.

The explanation about Kamino's weather makes some sense, but axial tilt is what causes major weather patterns on earth, and you ignored planetary rotation,which also has an effect on it. Also a major thing that mitigates weather patterns is land masses that break up or redirect storms. A water planet like Kamino would naturally have larger and more powerful storms.

Your Guardian Angel
Amy Larsen

KOTOR starting aboard Leviathan: The frantic struggle to escape

The author waited until we'd opened the link before saying it was a first work, and I think it was a very good one. Having Elizabeth (Revan) falter in her wise cracks when Malak reveals who she was was good, but having Malak be the initiator of the memory stream did not. Having the capability to reach in and bring out memories would give the enemy a tactical advantage that would make it easy to defeat you, so allowing him to do so is foolish.

The way it ended left me flat. The team knows Bastila is what Malak wants, having her do something heroic and foolish; leaping into the fight and locking the others out made some sense. Saying 'I'm what he wants' and having Carth close the door did not.

However I did enjoy it, and wished I could read on.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:36 AM   #1329
machievelli
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TOR: Smuggler's Trial Run
JasraLantill

TOR: A job interview goes well

Haven't seen Jasra in years, and this story is one reason I have missed her.The scenes are crisp, the Captain almost a perfect stereotype of the old man who gives the youngster a chance. I could picture his mumbling about young people so clearly. The youngster is just as clear cut, but like a diamond before you begin cutting.

Pick of the Week

[Url=http://www.fanfiction.net/] Fanfiction.net

The surveys
Mark Solo

Covering Mandalorian war, and KOTOR: It's survey time...

A series of surveys answered by the main characters. I only had time to read the first 3, but there were amusing points. When asked what his first car was, Revan replied that it was a Republic battlecruiser he crashlanded. Malak is constantly flirting, and Bastila is hung up on Revan, unwilling to admit her anger for her mother, and wants to dye her hair blue.

Awakening
Daemonette19

TSL on Peragus: The Exile wakes up

The piece had one thing in common with mine; a dream sequence right before she leaves the tank. That, and the idea that she had once had a son with the idea to me that Malak was the father was a unique twist. She comes across as a woman damaged in life, and still recovering from it.

My only real complanit is that it was too short.

Pick of the Week

Eclipsed
Jediknight6

Crossover KOTOR/TSL With Stargate Atlantis: The Jedi reform in a mythical land

While warned that it would be non-canon, I was surprised to discover in the second chapter that it was a crossover as well. The piece had a lot of SG backstory which helped, as the Stargate series is far from my usual TV viewing. Mixing Jedi into it made the work an interesting read.

The Pregnancy Test
GirlyXXXGeek

Post-KOTOR: Well we all expected it...

It is fun seeing a pair of Jedi acting perfectly normal in this situation. Kale (Revan) wanting aboy named Junior was perfect.

And I liked the description of the smile.

Pick of the Week

Down the Right Path
Ghixx

Post-KOTOR: A young Sith hopeful finds his feet on a different path

The piece is well written, and unlike a lot of those who revel in the darkside, the author isn't just turning good and evil on their heads. The character dissects both Sith and Jedi, and finds neither pure nor perfect, and wishes to be a Sith primarily for his own ends. But someone seems to be trying to direct him anyway.

I didn't read past the first chapter, but it was for lack of time.

The Enclave
Skymaggot

TSL at the Jedi Enclave: The final confrontation

The piece was written in a very short time, and the word usage mistakes are due to that more than anything else, wit instead of with, the instead of they reveled rather than revealed. All due to haste.

My only quibble is the idea that not having the Force will automatically kill the Masters; after all, something like 99.9 percent of the population galaxy wide do not have that connection,yet they live.

Light in the Dark
Indigirl450

Post-KOTOR AU: Canderous Ordo, not yet Manda'lor, looks on the future.

The piece is a soft almost loving look at the Mando'a race; the only jarring note for me was you forgot the old saying Aliit ori'shya taldin - Family is more than blood. The Mando'a would have accepted the child automatically.

Pick of the Week

Aftershock
Gillomee

KOTOR on Taris before the bombardment; The calm before the storm

Only real negative; remember conversation breaks. I had to go back at one point because I was counting exchanges to see who was talking.

One point, why did you have the friend try to steal from Davik? If he were a philanthropist, he wouldn't be a mob boss.

Is The Journey Over?
Onyx Panthera

Post TSL: The Exile picks the best way to relax her 'Fool'

The basics, that the Exile uses a game of Pazaak (Which the author points out she is not good at) to determine if she is going after Revan with or without her crew is a bit odd. It suggests she didn't feel willing to try without them.

Farewell My Lady
Lorelei Jane

Post TSL: A returned Jedi remembers the love of his life

The piece was very well done, a man remembering the love he had and lost; not from anything he had done, but because of the order. Now that she has married another, he remembers and still loves.

Pick of the Week

Left Alone: Survivors
Layna Danare

Crashed on Malachor V: With both of the other women dead, It falls to Mira to first bolster the men's morale, then go to help the Exile

Part one of three, a very interesting piece.

Left Alone: Last Battle
Layna Danare

Crashed on Malachor V: Part 2; the final confrontation with Hanharr

The piece continues in being interesting. The idea that using their mental capabilities a Jedi can ask another for advice in the middle of a fight seems plasusible.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-17-2013, 01:00 AM   #1330
machievelli
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Khem loves Killiks
Chevron 7 locke

During the time of Tulak Hord: Khem Val has a unique appetite...

The piece reminded me of an old joke. A Newsman talking to a cannibal leader. He asks him what he thinks of modern technology, and the cannibal says his tribe likes airplanes. When asked why, the cannibal replies, 'they are like lobsters, you can't eat the shell, but the meat inside is good'.

From what little I know about Killiks, he can have all he wants. I'll even supply a five pound tub of butter.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Dark Messiah: Mandalorian Wars
Vile Twitch

During Mandalorian War:

It's since, not sense, matter of honor, not manner,

Remember tenses, it is the damaged conduit.

Technical note navigation and maneuvering: In Navigation, a compass has only 360 degrees in a full circle. For any short distance, this is quite sufficient, and before you ask, for combat maneuvering within a solar system, it is more than enough. In plotting a hyperspace jump, a figure as large as you have could be used, since you would have to work with much larger distances.

With modern systems (meaning what we have at present on Earth) most consider a minute of arc (one sixtieth of a degree) sufficient. At present, this term is used primarily in judging the accuracy of direct fire with cannon or rifles. What it means, for a layman, is that one minute of arc is equal to slightly more than 25mm at one hundred meter, one inch at a hundred yards. Meaning your bullet is hitting one inch away from the direct aiminging point.

While that was more than adequate for travel on earth, in space the distance builds up rapidly. As an example, if you planned and jumped exactly one light second, approximately 300,000 kilometers, you would be approximately 75 kilometers from where you had intended to go. Jumping one light year, approximately 10 trillion kilometers, you would have been 2.19 light hours from your intended position. Our entire solar system is only about 8.5 light hours across.
Technical notes, Shielding: Because of the possiblity that a spacecraft could be hit by even micrometeorites, they would have to block at least some impact. They can be overloaded, but would not be nonexistent.

What's Gamorrean For I'm Sorry
Amy Larson

Post TSL: Extended epilogue for Your Guardian Angel, Revan finds a reason to come home.

Only one negative. You have Carth's hair insulting his eye. Since that is what affront means.

Short but sweet. The idea that it has been so long that Revan actually needs a reason to go home is constant, but still well done.

Primal
DyrraDegan

Post TSL four days after destruction of Malachor V on Rakata Prime: The Exile gets more than an explanation

Remember to sight edit; you can accidentally use the wrong word if it passes a spelling check. It's alerting (Warning) not altering (Changing).

Main character/Canderous romances are rare, and when they show up I always watch for how he reacts more than the Jedi involved. Having him be a bit forceful giving into his desires, but at the same time unwilling to unbend completely fits with the character.

Pick of the Week

Return of the Gizka
Emalin

Originally reviewed at Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater on 22 December 2006. That review, and an expansion of it, is below:

A slightly comedic confrontation between Atton and the Gizka from hell.

The scene was well set up, and the denouement was totally surprising and at the same time funny. Again, well done.

Expansion: Usually I do not expand on older reviews when they become Reprise picks, but this one was written before I knew who all of the characters were. So when I hit this one I went back and read the story again.

Now knowing who the characters are, and picturing the humorless Kreia assisting the Exile in pulling a practical joke is funny, and the purple hssiss now means something.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Crossover Episode 1: KOTOR Vs Mass Effect
Miholik

Crossover: While Saren Arterius from Mass Effect is studying the alien warship Sovereign, he meets a surprising pair from another universe

Having never played Mass Effect (My computer isn't powerful enough to play it) I had to look up the ship in question. My major complaint here is the same as I had with a story from about two weeks ago.

Technical note: The Star Forge in KOTOR is a manufacturing facility, not a starship. While you could use the station itself to create and mount weapons and engines, it would not be either mobile enough or powerful enough to be considered a major threat for quite some time. You would have to design it's additions and install them carefully, and that would take years. If you accept the timeline for Star Wars from Revenge Of the Sith to A New Hope, it took the Empire over 20 years to build and launch the Deathstar for example. If Revan (Or in this crossover Saren) used the Star Forge in this manner, the only advantage they would have is that the Star Forge would not need to wait for material to be delivered from other locations, which I will admit would speed things up, but not this much.

Imbroglio
CarnivorousPineapple

9 years Post-KOTOR On Citadel Station: Revan finally returns, but it isn't the happy ending you would expect

The piece is short, sweet, and like a dagger to the heart. The worst thing for the situation is the final line.

Pick of the Week

Meatbag Status
Achalys

Mandalorian Wars: HK is finally completed

I have noticed that a lot of the younger writers tend to misuse the word 'sniper'. For that matter I know a coworker whos uses the term for a partially smoked cigarette for some reason. In proper usage you do not have a sniper except for a term assigned to a specially trained soldier, you have a sniper rifle (equipped for use by a sniper), or a sniper scope (The actual attachment that converts a regular rifle to use by a sniper). From what I have seen, the SW role playing game has the same problem; a Jedi who is good at throwing his lightsaber for example, being called a Jedi sniper.

The piece was funny because this author has HK come up with the term meatbag. Of course his explanation of why he uses the term reminds me of the Star Trek The Next Generation episode with the sentient crystals on the planet they are terraforming calling humans 'big ugly bags of mostly water'.

Coward
DhtrofIsis

Post-KOTOR on Citadel Station: As she prepares to leave for the Unknown Regions, Revan imagines the argument she is circumventing

The piece was excellent after reading Imbroglio above. A counterpoint to what wil be at the start and ending.

Pick of the Week

A little dream
Nemoxgirl

KOTOR after Leviathan: Can a dream heal the breach between Revan and Carth?

Remember to sight edit to avoid using the wrong word or phrasing. For example 'Well… Carth do'. Should be did. 'Apparently did he destroy Telos as a gift or something' should have the word 'did' removed, and destroyed instead. Also wonna is spelled wanna.

Considering all of the inappropriate gifts I have heard of, I consider Malak's a bit over the top

Knights Of The Old Republic
Anaare

Pre KOTOR: The first entry into the tomb

The piece is far too short to get an accurate view of a lot of the author's skills. The author has a good grasp of the language, though I wonder about drawling as used. Also, remember to sight edit to avoid using taught (teach) instead of taut(tight)

Let's Go: Star Wars KOTOR
Sea-EnigmaDare

Post-KOTOR: Remembering to past before walking into the future

The piece is relatively well written. The author doesn't have a complete grasp of English, so there are flaws, however the day I can write one of my stories in Bahasa Malaysia, I'll really criticize them.

It is a fluffly piece with a few dark moment as she reminisces about the revelation of her past, and how she interacted with the others of that crew. Then segues into now, where she is married to Carth, and Dustil had married Mission. A nice little slice of life.

Decisions of a Dangerous Mind
Red Ace

Mandalorian Wars Era: Revan remembers the war, and the eventual fall. Companion piece to Reflections of a Dangerous Mind

As I said before, remember to sight edit. You have the word plants instead of planets for example.

The work is good because you can see the descent into the darkness as the narrative progresses. However one thing bothered me, which I cover below in Technical notes.

Technical notes, warrior societies: Over at LucasForums I wrote an article explaining warrior societies at; LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > How to understand the Mandalorians. The primary reason I did was I didn't like the original game authors' view of how the Mandalorians act generally. While brutal, most warrior societies had codes of conduct that forswear the casual brutality displayed. They also have rigid hierarchical rules; You obey the orders from above, and there is always someone with that authority. But that also means you have to replace that authority if something happens.

As an example from history, the Mongol Invasion of Europe started by Kublai Khan ended when he died. Not because they had won, but because under Mongol law, the leaders of that invasion were required to return home and swear fealty to the new Khan. Since the Mandalorians had a meritocracy that meant they had to do the equivalent of electing a new Pope before continuing. Taking the example above, if Kublai had personally led his armies, they would have had to withdraw, choose a new Khan, then resume. As it was, with several thousand kilometers between the thone and the front, it ended that incursion.

This is not the only such reverent I could have used. A lot of Native American tribes abruptly ended battles when their leader died leading an assault. A lot of older empires had the same rule the Mongols did. There are recorded incidents where leaders refused this kind of order and were later executed for that hubris.
So having some charismatic leader suddenly decide to fight on might be a possibility, but it would have been unlikely.

On top of that, what you have set up is a trial by champion, an ancient rite where the opponents agreed that the duel settled the conflict. To violate it would be dishonorable, though there are incidents recorded when the losing side did just that. The best remembered, at least in the Christian World, was when David faced off against Goliath in the Bible. In the Movie From Hell to Eternity. Based on the true life actions of Guy Gabaldon where he convinced Japanese troops to surrender on the Island of Saipan, the General in charge in the fictional account listened to his argument, and ordered his people to surrender as he commited Seppuku.

Beyond that an excellent read. Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-24-2013, 02:18 AM   #1331
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars Rise of the Gallactic Empire
battle111

Between ROTS and ANH: The Empire crushes the resistance on Fondor

Kaip jau sakiau lapkričio, jums reikia beta skaitytojas. You're pushing the story too hard. You have what I estimate would be a twenty page piece compressed into a single paragraph.

Fanfiction.net

Duel on Duxn Excerpt
Warden Whitetree

Mandalorian Wars on Dxun: A battle of true warriors

The author's work is clean and crisp, little extra verbiage, the action neat as a pin. The revelation of whom she fights well portrayed.

The one thing I enjoyed so much, and praise rarely because it is rare, is the treatment of the Mando'a opponent. He is not a cardboard cutout of a bad guy, but a warrior facing someone he respects at the end. As John Ringo pointed out in The Honor of the Clan, a true warrior seeks not a battle where he wins easily, but a battle against an equal where skill is matched, and even losing is glorious. Or as the Saxon Leader in the Movie King Arthur commented, 'Finally, someone worth killing'.

Pick of the Week

Choices
HanuuEshe

Mandalorian Wars before the Jedi intervene: Revan isn't the only one going her own way...

Remember to sight edit, the sentence, 'didn't destroy and fight simply for fun of it. you left out 'the'. No big thing, your mind is running on and your fingers can't catch up. We all have that problem sometimes.

I loved this one because the author interjected something I had not anticipated; surprising because I love and read history voraciously, and the same thing has happened time and again. Warrior societies who suddenly, for no discernable reason, fall into senseless brutality. The Nazi 'Final solution' is a perfect example, the best and brightest 10% of their population labeled subhuman and worked to death or merely killed out of hand. As John Ringo in his Watch on the Rhine commented; seventy years later, no one can figure out where that collective madness came from.

Here we have a man I myself merely made a schemer who killed himself dishonorably on Dxun. Yet he is finding a way to save some he has been ordered to slaughter. Or as the author puts it so cogently, he seemingly has to make a choice between his honor and his duty, his people, or their soul...

Pick of the Week

Star Wars KotOR III: The Unknown Regions
Ferc Kast

Three years Post TSL: A Jedi is sent on an assignment

The only problem I have with this work is each chapter is far too short. The work is good, but the first three chapters, one of them the Title scroll merely whetted my appetite, and there are ten to go that I do not have time to read. A pity, because it is more intriguing with every post.

Knight of the Old Republic: The Unknown Destiny
Ferc Kast

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Master Arren Kae sets destiny in motion

Ferc Kast has graces us before, and this work like the one above has only two flaws; it's too short and unfinished. We have met the characters, but it stops before the mission begins.

Favor the Road Less Traveled...
Varimathras

Pre-KOTOR: The fall of Revan and Malak from another's prospective

The piece was well written, but part of it mentioned below bothered me.

Technical note, Drugs: The problem with the scene you portray is that if the work of selling Spice is illegal, why is the Senate bothering to negotiate about a secondary objective; child slavery? Every known illegal drug has medicinal uses, and it is not the production of it but the illegal sale of it which makes it unlawful. So negotiating with a criminal organization to stop child labor/slavery, would be like the US DEA negotiating with the Columbian drug lords to have them advertise for people to process it in the local papers rather than using peons for it.

Padawan
GatX

Ten Years Post TSL: Some Jedi flee government control to forge a new order

Remember to sight edit to avoid using the wrong word. For example, you used kept where you should have used keep. Also the sentence, 'We need an out of the way place that no one knows about, and that there isn't any major civilized life on' doesn't scan well. I would suggest We need an out of the way place that no one knows about, where there isn't any major civilized life'. Also the sentence, 'as was his becoming custom' would read better as 'as was becoming his custom'.

Also remember breaks between different scenes.

Technical note: If Earth's Age of Exploration is used as an example, there would be very few places that fit their criteria. It didn't take any explorer very long to claim anywhere they landed, and only a countervailing claim, such as another European Nation having already claimed it stopped them from moving in to claim the resources.

Except for the editing problems I mentioned, the piece is rather good.

Clash of the Sith Revan and Malak
DarkWarr

KOTOR on the Star Forge: The final battle

The author is from Singapore, so I will be a little lax about corrections; after all, I do not know where English is as their spoken language, and you don't come down hard on someone who uses it as a second language. However bellow is a noise, you should have used billow, which is a movement.

The only negative I really have is the idea that the only way Revan can stop Malak from draining the trapped Jedi one by one is by using the same tactic. Using the phrase 'the ends justify the means' is a cop out. When I wrote my own version of the KOTOR game over at Lucasforums I created a way to free them all at the same time rather than slavishly follow the game's 'kill them all' approach.

Assistance from the Dark
Darth Reaper

Star Wars/Stargate crossover: the Stargate team gets help from an unlikely source

Remember to sight edit. You say 'before the fall of the Rakatan empire fell' which makes one fall redundant. You used foul swoop when the term is fell swoop, and you have Kavar comment that Revan 'planed' (Smoothed) something instead of planning it.

Also remember conversation breaks. Picture a river flowing; without conversation breaks, it is white water the reader has trouble understanding. With them it is a smooth flow. Remember, as much as we write for our own enjoyment, it's like cooking, you do it to transform the simple ingredients into a tasty meal, and a lot of times it isn't just for your pleasure.

Technical note, Galactic travel: The primary problem I had was that the Rakatan had been able to travel from one galaxy to another. I am not saying it isn't possible, just that if the Rakata (According to the game) only ruled 500 planets in one galaxy, why travel to another when they still have hundreds of millions of possible systems in their original galaxy to subjugate yet? It would be like the US government in 1783 deciding to attack and subdue China with an entire continent still unoccupied by them. Also, who made the trip first? If it were the Rakata, the above applies. If it were the Ancients, why didn't they merely withdraw? For that matter, why did the Rakata pursue?

Having equal technical capability means it could happen either way, but even if you feel threatened, you wouldn't make that trip without some reasonable expectation of success.

Cat and Mouse
Fall Out Guirl

Seven years post KOTOR: Carth's long wait ends

The piece does a hammerhead stall (an aerial maneuver where you climb straight up into a ballistic drop) emotionally. Carth is not living, he's only existing before he gets the word. And like that aircraft, he plummets back to earth in his hurry to see and touch the woman he loves again.

Betrayed
Lossefalme

KOTOR AU after the Star Forge: Left alive at a whim of his ex-lover, Carth is bent on revenge

Only one negative, read; Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am going on about.

When I saw the number of chapters, 28, I was daunted. A lot of people will post about two pages and call it a chapter, but having read this author's workl before, I wasn't sure. The word count, (over 128,000; equal to just about everything I had posted to this site combined) told me the chapters would be good sized. So with not a little trepidation, I started it. By the end of the first chapter, I was hooked, and I just had to read the second.

Have you ever seen the old movie serials where you get a fifteen minute snippet ending at a cliffhanger with TO BE CONTINUED at the end? Honestly, having the hero on the brink of death with no way out, but saying that, I think, was one of the best marketing ploys ever created. And it worked here.

The writing is tight and well done, the scenes vivid, the characters leaping off the screen. This is one of those works I wish I could come back and read from beginning to end.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars KOTOR: Another Tale
Anutka2000

KOTOR on Taris: A Jedi in hiding must choose to get involved again

Remember to stay in the same tense when writing. You start in third person, jump to first, then back again, all in the same chapter. It's fine if you had merely done it during the flashback; after all, that is an internal monologue. But if you slip back and forth without that it confuses the reader.

This is an interesting and unique twist on the basic game; Some of the Jedi that had gone with Revan must have fled when their leaders went to the Dark Side. And some admittedly would have been unwilling to return to the Jedi Council to face the music; especially considering the over the top punishment meted out to the Exile. My only question; considering the location of Taris in relationship to where the war was fought, is why did this one run such a small distance before going to ground?

Read only one chapter, but I wish I could read the other three.

SWG: Test of Fate
Digitalmetal

Set in Star Wars Galaxy: A soldier is rescued from the Imperials

The writing is clean and crisp, the scenes well laid out. I know the author is basing it on just the intro for a game, but there are technical problems I will address below.

Technical Notes, POW status: The laws of war require you to render medical aid to any wounded, not just your own people, but that doesn't mean you ignore the fact that the wounded person is an enemy. As lackadaisical as the security arrangements are on the TV show MASH, that would not be the norm. You would have either separate facilities for treatment of the enemy wounded, or you would transport them to another facility when possible and maintain a guard until they are safe to transport before that. By safe I mean they are no longer in a life threatening condition, not that you must wait for the situation to be safe.

Watch the movie the Big Red One, where the sergeant wakes up in a German hospital. The entire facility is a prison, yet the patients are allowed to move about freely inside it. Yet outside the doors, you would have guards, fences, etc you don't see. The laws of war restrict what a prisoner is allowed to do with the codicil that a prisoner's primary duty is to escape if at all possible; yet that is balanced by the fact that attempting to escape can get you killed.

Yet you have someone that, is if they are not a POW with proof of their guilt, at least what the military now defines as a 'person of interest' (Which is a step down from POW) waking up unguarded, with access to not only clothes, but weapons as well. As much as this allows the game to flow, it is a breach of security wide enough to drive a Peterbilt Semi through. Take this for example:

Ahmed the Republican Guard Sergeant is badly wounded when a US strike team ambushes the convoy he is part of. He is stabilized by the medic, and medivaced to the hospital. He is treated, and put in a private room, with an orderly checking on him occasionally. When he wakes up, he's pointed at a footlocker with his gear, including the fully loaded rifle and encrypted radio he had been carrying when captured. He then spends several minutes shooting up the supply closet, and talking to his wood be rescuers without the enemy noticing.

What is wrong with this picture?

Technical Notes, the Daring Rescue: As pointed out, you should have the person in a cell, not a hospital bed, or with a guard posted. Now one thing any military would do is try to save you if they can. But you run right into one glaring problem; how important is this prisoner, and under what conditions is he being held? How much effort are you willing to expend to save this person?

If you have ever read the Corps Series by WEB Griffin, you will note that in the last book of the series, Retreat Hell, the characters detached from the Marines to the CIA have only two people considered important enough to be rescued. One is General William F Dean, who was captured near Taejon in the opening months of the war, the other is one of his characters, who happens to be the son of the man who has been named as a Deputy Director of the CIA. In the first case, the UN and American troops were unable to rescue the man. He spent the war in a POW camp. The second was only missing, and was later found. Both, because of who they were, were considered prime catches on the propaganda level alone. In the book, the author commented that Stalin's son Yakov had been captured during WWII and had died when a guard shot him. He also pointed out that the guard who did so was executed for that act.

Going back to the Big Red One, the sergeant is repatriated when the Us Army captures the city he is in along with the hospital; that is what usually happens. But in the situation portrayed in the story above, you have someone of little or no value to the Rebellion, beyond the fact that she is the main character of the story, trapped in an Imperial Space Station, surrounded by armed guards and soldiers. Yet they break her out anyway. It is one thing to have a spur of the moment rescue as happened when Princess Leia is held aboard the Death Star, but think:

In the tutorial used for the template of this story, you have a number of Rebels infiltrate the station, to plant explosives (A supposition, since during the Falcon's escape you don't mention any other craft also escaping) While Han and his crew actually go in to effect the rescue. Why is this character that important to the Rebellion?

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 03-30-2013, 11:55 PM   #1332
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Darkened Twilight
Hate's Fury

Post TSL on Malachor V: Having removed her opposition, the Dark Exile plots

The basics are good, but there are a few flawed premises I will address below.

Technical note, Cortosis: Cortosis is a mineral that shorts out an energy beam. Which is why a wbe of it is a nice addition to armor. So adding it to a light saber merely stops a lightsaber from working.

Villain's soliloquy: In the Incredibles when the two superheroes are reminiscing about a battle, one comments, 'He starts monologuing' almost as if it is expected; and in fiction, especially adventure fiction, it is. The primary reason for the Villain's monologue is to let the reader know all of the things he did, and is usually a private discussion between the villain and the hero right before the villain consigns him to a horrible fate. Around the time the James Bond Movie The Man With the Golden Gun came out, a person reviewing the genre commented that the villain does this because he see Bond as the only person who might understand what is being done, like a scientist showing off his new toy.

Yet you have the Exile doing pretty much that with someone who is a new apprentice. In most cases, all you want from such a being would be odecience. They do not need to know what you plan, merely that they are at present a brand new weapon in the arsenal. You don't tell your new sword why you need it. For example, in ROTS Sidious merely gives orders to the new Darth Vader, not the entire sweep of his plans.

Unfinished business: Atton originally fled Revan's service because he believed she would have turnedhim into a Dark Jedi whether he wanted to be one or not. Why is the Exile any different in that regard? One of her points in the monologue above is gathering all of the fallen Jedi she can find, and she has a possible right there on the ship she is ignoring.

And why is Mical, who still holds onto the Jedi code still around? It's not like she needs a partially trained Jedi as a medic. Maybe she keeps him around only to enjoy dashing his hopes every few hours, like a kid torturing a pet?

Revelations
Mettiz

Post TSL, but time indeterminate: A new Jedi knight is teamed up with Atton

The author is Norgwegian, so I will be gentle with my review. It is the eyes are pools (body of water) not poles and through (By means of) rather than trough (a basin for water).

The basic story is good except for someone again using Tatooine as if it were an important place. Even this did not detract much because the author showed changes in the new Hutt administration over the old Czerka one. Having someone learn the Jawa language from HK makes for a funny scene, and makes me wonder why they didn't end up in a fight with the Sand People if his word choice in dealing with human languages carries over into that language as well.

Choices: Battle Between Darkness and Light
Mettiz

Post KOTOR on the Star Forge: The renewed Lord Revan plans her new campaign

Again; the author is Norwegian. The day I can write a story in that language, I will complain more about how it is written. However a belt will cling (Hold to) not clang (Make a loud noise). A tractor beam is a device that uses a beam of energy to tow or hold something. It is not a method of finding people.

Again you used a standard planet, even though it is not a logical place to look. The biggest problem with writing in another Universe, such as Star Wars, is that all you see of it are snippets of areas and not the whole. There are over 200 planets mentioned in the Wookipedia, but most people settle for just the ones they have heard of in the movies and a few of the books. The wprse part is the planets do not change... Dantooine, which according to the period right after the Rebellion succeeded was supposedly sparsely inhabited, is shown exactly the same way 4,000 years earlier which is impossible. It is like all you know of another country is the few place names you had read in books about that country. Say like an author from Russia describing a Russian Invasion force landing in Washington DC to destroy the US Government, and they immediately move to Chicago Illinois where they interrogate Al Capone, then to Dodge City Kansas and arrest Wyatt Earp and on to Hollywood where they question Marilyn Monroe to catch the Senators that fled.

There's another article for Lucasfoums in that...

Also, the leaders of the Republic are not the Jedi, but the Senate. They are either going to move to known safe locations (For our own government, there are several secret locations,)with a couple, the Greenbriar Hotel in Maryland, and Cheyenne Mountain where NORAD is located as reported, or run home to their home states.

Chats with Carth
The Penguin Squad

KOTOR, no specific time given: Revan seems to be having some problems...

Remeber to sight edit. You used scarred (Having scars) instead of scared (frightened)

When I noticed the error above, I did as I always do, and checked to see where the author is from. After all, why come down like a High school English teacher on someone who uses English as a second language? In the author's comments on themselves, there was a mention that they believed their own work is whacked, so I went back to it.

Boy is it whacked. I only had time to read the first of twelve chapters, but having Revan get distracted by the smell of cheese, then trying to imitate an owl be doing a headstand on a chair (Why that imitates an owl I have no idea) then commenting to Carth that some tap dancing had been sent to his home kept me laughing. Carth's reaction is priceless, first worried, then amused, and when he hears of the penguins, terrified.

Thanks for some great comedy!

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic
Annyneospike13

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire:

Remember to sight edit. You said farthest reached instead of reaches.

Technical note: While used as a character class of sorts in the game, scoundrel is an insulting term. The type of character you might play in that class could include people like the old mountain men who moved away from society along with all sorts of criminals from a street thug to a smuggler.

Except for what I mentioned above, the work is a basic retelling of the story from the attack to the escape from the ship. You did use improper nomenclature; ships do not have doors or rooms, they have hatches and compartments.

Aftermath
HeavenlyMuse

TSL after death of Kreia: What now?

Remember to sight edit to avoid confusion. The phrase 'revealed nothing into this ailment' in the examination doesn't make sense. I understand you're saying the diagnostic process did not reveal a cause for her coma, but that is not the way to say it.

Technical note, Hyperdrive versus primary engines: As much as the movies ignore it, you would not put two different engine types in a ship without a reason. Hyperdrive is used to get a ship from one star system to another as quickly and economically as possible. Primary engines are for maneuvering and landings. The most egregious failure in this regard is where Han has a busted hyperdrive, yet successfully reaches the Bespin system after leaving Hoth. Picture this:

Tom Ever-ready, the Hero tries to take his plane off from the airport in Vladivostok, but the jet engine doesn't work. So instead he attaches it to a big rig and decides to tow it to Johannesburg South Africa, and expects to get there the next day. Yet all he has for fuel is the two 100 gallon tanks of that vehicle, and 200 gallons will not take the truck even without that cargo the full distance.

As an example, read the section of Echoes of Honor in the Honor Harrington series where she uses the reaction thrusters of her small task force to sneak into position to destroy a larger force. The standard engines used normally both for combat maneuvering and hyperspace travel would have several months worth of fuel aboard her ships, but using just the thrusters, that endurance is so low that if her attack had failed, only the largest ships would have even been able to attempt an escape; the cruisers for example would only have had a few days of fuel left, and even her battlecruisers would have had only about a month of fuel remaining.

The distances between even close stars and their systems is vast. For example, without something like hyperdrive which finds a way around the limits Einstein set on space travel, it would take anywhere from several years to several centuries to travel the 4.24 light years (42.4 triiion kilometers) from Earth to our nearest neighbor, the Alpha and Beta Centauri pair. So deciding your are going to go half way across the galaxy (Considering the locations of both Malachor and Dantooine) in a week is like the example I mentioned above.

Also, while getting to their destination is important, you don't cut life support, such as heating the interior of the ship. Using the values given; that the temperature inside the ship had dropped by 15 degrees in just a few hours, suggests that for a trip of even the week assumed would drop the temperature to absolute zero before they arrive.

Technical note, Force Bonds: Force Bonds are never adequately explained. They are formed between teachers and students, students and other students, and in the case of the Jedi Exile, with anyone who is around her for any great length of time. But there is nothing in any of the literature that suggests a Force Bond can be lethal or seriously debilitating. Yoda for example was the master that taught Count Dooku, but he didn't collapse into unconsciousness when Dooku died. I felt (And used the premise in my own TSL work) that Kreia was lying through her teeth when she suggested that her death might kill the Exile.

The interaction with the crew was well done.

Darren
CT-325

Battle Of Geonosis: A brain damaged Clone survives, how I don't know

The piece is like a lot of jokes about the mentally challenged. In fact it reminded me of a joke about it; a guy so stupid that his sergeant wasn't even going to gife him a real weapon, so he goes out onto the battlefield armed with a mop without the head, a toilet brush as a bayonet, and urinal cakes as grenades. He's told these are super secret completely silent weapons, and to use them, he has to make the noises; bang bang for his 'rifle' stab stab for his 'bayonet', and kaboom! For his grenades.

So here you have this guy, shouting 'bang bang, occasionally shouting stab stab, and every now and then, kaboom! Finally he looks around, and sees that he and one enemy soldier are the only ones still alive. He throws his last two grenades shouting Kaboom with each, but the enemy still approaches. Then he shouts bang bang over and over until the man is close enough for him to shout stab stab. The enemy ignores all of this, and literally walks right over him.

Just before he falls unconscious, he hears the enemy soldier saying 'tank, tank, tank' over and over.

A riot. Well worth the read.

The Dark Path
Emperor Sunny

Post KOTOR: A boy seeking revenge finally finds his real target

Except for one grammar error (it should be there, not their) the writing is excellent. There are only two points I did not accept. One was having him slaughter the younglings. Couldn't he see himself torn from his family in them?

Technical note, medical technology: Even today we have replacement technology to help with deafness; cochlear implants for example. In fact the Assistant who worked For Lando on Bespin had implants that allowed him radio communications capability. So unless some of the Sith Masters got a sick thrill out of denying him that, there is no reason for him to remain deaf.

Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Reticent Savior
Athena Solaris

TSL introspection: The Exile in second person views her path

Most people have problems with second person, but you carried out pretty well. My only negative comment is having her be Kaminoan. Why that race specifically? I doubt they had enclaves of other races on their planet.

As for being gray-side, I didn't need your mention to tell me; her contempt for both sides of the equation were clearly marked, and her comments about her companions showed she was leery of them as well.

Pick of the Week

On Rakatan
Daemonetta19

KOTOR on Unknown Planet: As their minds merge, Carth has to deal with having both Revan and Avery present

I think you mean some way instead of same way. Also Rakatan is the race, not their planet.

That being said, the idea of having both personalities working together is a good touch. Whether Carth understood it or not, I knew why Revan considered them both men as a support structure.

You're also one of the only authors I have read on a number of sites who said pretty much what I did in my own KOTOR work over at Lucasforums; That after teaching your students for a decade or more that you duty is to the people of the Republic, you are supposed to not get involved in a war of survival makes no sense.

How can you be wrong, if your teachings say one thing, and your leaders say something else? It would be like a Franciscan Abbot protesting one of his monks using the alms he has collected to buy a pot of stew to feed the poor in your village!

Pick of the Week

Dreamscapes
Daemonetta19

KOTOR on the Unknown planet before the temple: Both sides of her mind contemplate the past and the future, both soon and far.

Like the previous work by the same author, you get the idea that while still polar opposites, the two parts of the woman's mind have finally grown accustomed to being two parts of the same person. I understand the hope for their future they both see, and Revan's grief that she was the cause of her friends' fall.

Excellent

Pick of the Week

Faithless
Topgallant

Pre KOTOR outside the ruins on Dantooine: Malak must finally decide

The writing is well done, the scenes clearly defined. The only problem I had was the scene that followed made me sure that Malak was the first to actually fall. When the main character remembers entering the ruins, it is Malak who was enthused by the Dark Side feel of the place, not Revan, who was focused on getting them in.

But that might just be me.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-06-2013, 11:46 AM   #1333
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Cold Light
Sharinganavenger

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: The climactic battle from Malak's view

The piece had an interesting feel to it. The backstory, or Revan begging him to promise to obey one last command and the aftermath of it.

Her last words to him are poignant, that it had to be the construct the Jedi created that killed him, because the person she had been would not have had the heart to do it.

Pick of the Week

Five Ways Carth and Revan Weren't Reunited
HanuuEshe

Post KOTOR: The ways it could have been...

The writing is crisp, each vignette clearly defined. I especially enjoyed the expanation of Carth's 'I have my orders' comment, because the author is right. I enjoyed all three chapter (Only a bit over 1500 words, so I could take the time) and I was glad I did. Only one problem...

There were only three ways.

Pick of the Week

More Than The Gizka
ElisetheChemist

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Dealing with the gizka leads to more

The piece was a bit of fun, since the Gizka was the one part that irritated me the most. Having Revan already knowing who he was again, and mixing his attraction to Bastila into getting rid of the little monsters was choice.

The Wonderful Adventures of a Moron
Revan's split personality

KOTOR starting aboard the Endar Spire: The galaxy's hero???

The piece is a riot. Starting with the character being the handyman from hell, rigging her footlocker to explode in the hope that one specific man would try to raid it, confusing Sith troops long enough to escape, dancing to her communicator after she reset the ring to her favorite song, and almost killing herself with a lightsaber she picked up. Her question is one all of us have had; how do you make a weapon of light but at the same time, limit it's scope?

Eleven chapters, and hasn't even gotten off Taris!

Only one negative, and that is technical:

Technical note, nomenclature: Different terms are used aboard ship. Go to Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

Pick of the Week

Torture
Revans Pet Duck

Post KOTOR: Revan goes through the motions, and Carth suffers

While technically excellent, I felt a little down by the end of it. Neither one is really expecting to win, though all Carth has to do is endure. Both the victim and tormentor are going through the motions. The best part is the internal monologues. Both in their own way hope for another ending.

Left Alone: An Ending is a Beginning

Layna Danare

TSL on Malachor V: Following the Exile through the Trayus Academy, Part 3 of three

The piece does have the feel of something patched together, as mentioned in the forward. You used deas storm beats instead of dead storm beasts, that kind of thing.

The ending is anticlimactic. You have the few survivors escaping, yet at the same time, you're setting them up for more woe.

Imperial Order
Angstrom

Set in SWG: A meeting above Naboo

Remember conversation breaks. The narrative flow kept being interrupted because you ran them together. Also you tossed extra characters in for no purpose. You have a Colonel arrive, greeteds by a Major, then you throw in a lieutenant, an Admiral (Who should have been addressed first as the senior in rank) then the Moff, the Lord, the Inquisitor, and the prisoner, followed by the death of that prisoner out of pique alone. Yet there was no rhyme nor reason to it.

Of Droids & Meatbags: The Tale of HK47
Scious

Originally reviewed 28 October 2005 over at kotorfanmedia. That review is below:

Yano Upav

The story of Revan’s ascent from the view of his bodyguard droid.

Well written, and the viewpoint is superb. Yano gets into the circuits of HK, and through them you see the people around him. The ‘death and destruction’ view of HK works well in the fleet action, which ends the first posting, and makes me want to read more.

Addenda: The piece is still well written, and unlike a lot of authors, this one didn't hang around the half dozen planets used in the original game. After I had been doing these reviews for about a year, I began adding technical commentary because of flaws that are not readily apparent without a deeper knowledge base than I had at the start, and I do have to add one here.

Technical note: According to the dialogue, the ships are making a deep penetration hit and run attack, but they are going about it in a roundabout fashion that makes no sense. Nal Hutta to Falleen, then to Sullust, and then on to Corellia. Use this as an historical example:

Quantrill's Raiders are assigned to make a deep penetration attack in the North. They deploy from St Louis Missouri, then attack Cinncinati Ohio, travel to Detroit, then San Francisco, and finally attack their primary target, Siver Springs Maryland...

While all legitimate targets, they are also so widely scattered that it would take almost a year to carry out all of the attacks. And while they are riding around, they would have people not only in pursuit, but being warned ahead of them, so this raid wouldn't last that long.

Also, if you're doing a hit and run, you don't waste time with much beyond smashing any ships at your target and the orbital infrastructure, so deploying a ground assault is an unnecessary expenditure of resources.

I'm not saying it was bad, only that it could have been better

Reprise Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic III: The Death of Hope
Scottishace

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile must choose, and he chooses the path of honor

The piece is well done, and the backstory helped, because he had done everything to be bad until the end. Like Vader in the ROTJ he finally decides to do what right, not what is expedient.

Technical note: Your description of the Mass Shadow Generator is flawed; probably because the writers of the game never described it's operation, and we gamers finally worked out how it had to work only after the fact. What you describe is more of a high level electro-magnetic pulse generator or the radiation pulse generator used in the 1987 movie Project X, while the term Mass Shadow is a gravitational term meaning the area of effect of a star or planet, in other words, a generator that creates the effect of having the gravity well of a star suddenly appear, as if used in the EU by an Interdictor type Star Destroyer. An EMP generator would not have destroyed all of the ships supposedly lost at Malachor, but something creating the Mass Shadow of a B class star, something a hundred times as massive as our own sun, would have.

Also, you have the Ebon Hawk and her crew still within the area of effect of the device when it is activated, meaning they should have automatically died as well.

Saved For Lack Thereof
Amme Moto

KOTOR on Korriban: A view of a rare beautiful day on the planet

The piece tends to ramble a lot, because both Revan and Carth are unwilling to carry through on what is on both their minds. Right before Jolee arrived I felt an urge to just scream at them to kiss.

Christmas Choas
Lilagirl

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Revan arranges a celebration on the fly.

The piece was amusing, but I kept coming back to the one flaw. Christmas is an Earth holiday. Read my article Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 about how to adjust holidays so they don't come across as our own.

Lost Love II
Clover64

Post TSL: Lovers are reunited

The piece has a good basic concept, and I was willing to suspend disbelief right up to the addition of the clone. There's a reason for this, however.

Technical, cloning: First the actual procedure, creating a clone, is simplicity itself, even with our own limited technology. However the danger (Suggested because of the criteria you suggest, the strongest being chosen) is not to the subject, but to the clone itself. All the donor loses is some cells, the clone has to go through the rapid maturation process, which has dangers of it's own.

In the EU and AOTC, they constantly harp on the fact that the clones are aging at a ratio of two to one; they are aging two years for every standard year they live. So the bright new clones who marched off to war at the start at age 18 would be 24 when the war ended, and have only half the life expectancy of a normally produced offspring. By the time of the Rebellion when Luke Skywalker joined it, any of those clones that had survived would be an apparent 68 years old; too old to go into combat.

The main issue, stopping that accelerated aging, has been addressed by Karen Traviss who has written the lion share of the books from the Clone/Mando'a view, but the book that mentions it is during the post Imperial period.

For them to remain viable for any greater period would require that you first create a way to force their development at the accelerated rate, but also to stop the process before senility.

The second is the memory writing you mention, and is used in a few of the EU books, but is never adequately explained. The idea of such a procedure is used in two different works; the first Ghost in the Shell series, and Elizabeth Moon's Familias Regnant series. In both cases however, the presence of the principle (In this case, Mical) is required to download memories that can be installed in the clones (or cyborgs in GITS) so that they are all on the same page as it were. So every few weeks or months, Mical would have to disappear, get recorded, and return.

Third, even though he is the subject of this cloning, that doesn't automatically give him title to the cloned copy, or use of it. If, for example, if a lab here in the US was working on human cloning, not only would it be secret, it would also not let the clone out of their sight. It represents a number of possibilities such as an organ donor for the subject, but also a way to rejuvenate politicians in power by allowing them to transfer their memories into that younger body. Not to mention the mere cost of the procedure, which while cheap is not as cheap as having a natural child. Using it at all could limit them to just spare parts, or like the Clone Wars, expendable assets. But still they would be close held.

So it is unlikely that Mical would have been able to get the clone, and place it in such a way that it died instead of him. Besides, look at the movie the 6th day where a man had been cloned, but we don't know until the end which is the clone. Will the clone be willing to die in the original's place? After all, he would think he was the original unless told otherwise.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-13-2013, 10:50 AM   #1334
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The Nar Shaddaa Massacre
Icey Cold

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Some R&R can get ugly

The piece has an interesting view of the Force in that you can be overwhelmed by your surroundings if untrained. In my own Return from Exile (Same screen name at Lucasforums) I did the same thing, first with the Handmaiden, then with Mira.

One error, a waiver is a document saying you don't have to complete an action, not a waver. Which is to be undecided.

Didn't have time to read more than the first of three chapters, but it is looking good so far.

Revan's Apprentice
Almostinsane

Specific time frame not given, though probably Pre KOTOR: A village dies and a new Sith is born

The biggest problem I had was the two attacks didn't make sense, First, the Mandalorians attack, and thinking that their armor is skin makes sense. However the first attack was using a sledgehammer to crack walnuts. It would be like a modern Army unit with tanks and air support attacking a tribe of Kalahari Bushmen. Grabbing the planet to occupy it for a base might make sense, but you wouldn't waste time slaughtering the natives unless they force the issue. As horrible as the Imperial period here on Earth was, the occupying forces rarely came in guns blazing.

The second attack made less sense because there is even less reason for the slaughter. If it were a raid by pirates, it's a waste of money and manpower to destroy a native settlement without any gain that I could ascertain. If it were a slave taking raid, why are they using edged weapons instead of stunners and gas grenades? The valuable portion of the settlement would be the people you can enslave, and every dead slave is nothing more than fertilizer.

The Price
Lady Tragic

Pre TSL: The birth of Darth Sion

The piece is short and to the point. The soon to be Darth Sion is broken down until only only two things remain; the pain that will never go away, and his thirst for revenge.

KOTOR Snippets
Cat Avatar for the DCG

KOTOR on Taris: A look at first impressions

The two chapters were only 433 words, less than two pages total. Each is merely a snapshot; the first time seeing Carth in action, then seeing Canderous in that first meeting. Both were good in their own way, since what we're getting is a look at the characters in first time situations.

Christmas Lights
Rarecase

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A kiss under the mistletoe

The piece is, as the author warned, light and fluffy. My only problem with it is addressed at Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center >
Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118

Tales From Wild Space
Skywater1

300 years after the time of Luke Skywalker:

Remember to finish sentences. You left out a word (Inserted by me) in 'Maybe this summoning (wouldn't) be so bad after all'.

Technical note: Revan lived around 3999 BBY, yet you have the holocron being delivered to the tomb over 500 years later. Who delivered it? Second, Marko Ragnos' tomb is overused, it was the scene of Revan's trials for prestige, then again in Jedi Academy.

Only had time to read the first two chapters, my only question is why only this one person recognized it as a Sith holocron. If this were an Indiana Jones story, the kid doing the research would have had all of Jones' notes to use, along with all of the data given to the University.

Coward
Achalys

TSL on Malachor V: She only realizes the truth when he dies

The piece is a self castigating nightmare, but so well written I loved it. All of her own thoughts on death are logical fears you would expect, but seeing someone else face what makes you afraid is always shocking at the core.

Pick of the Week

Learning from the Past
Lord Darth Master

During climactic Jedi fight in ROTS and eight years Post-KOTOR: Anakin gets a taste of what happened way back when...

The piece was well done. The idea that Yoda might have been the one that confronted Palpatine instead of Windu made it even more interesting. Having Yoda implant the memories of Revan into the young Jedi's mind was a neat twist, and having him wake up aboard the Ebon Hawk 4,000 years earlier a strange twist.

Technical note, Prosthesis: The main problem I had with the piece is having him wake up with a brand new prosthetic arm. This is not something you could just whip up out of stores on a small ship like the Ebon Hawk. If it were state of the art of say forty years ago here on Earth, you could replace it with an articulated hook as was done back then, but even comparing a modern day replacement to the ones used in the Pre-Imperial period, it would need a lot more technical support than the ship could supply.

With Anakin now stranded in the ancient past, and five chapters to go I wished I could keep reading.

Pick of the Week


MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post-KOTOR and during TSL, no specific section given: The memories just keep coming

Remember to sight edit, you have a missing word, in 'you turned agai(n)st Revan once and for (all),'. You used studdering when you might have meant stuttering, and loose (not tight) when you meant lose.

My primary confusion was how Revan and the Exile ended up on the same ship at the same time; especially since your own timeline had Carth teaching how to fly the Hawk only a year earlier.

Real Smooth, Carth
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

KOTOR no specific time given: Carth could use lessons in how to talk to a woman...

The piece is reminiscent to a scene in one of the Argeneau vampire series by Lynsey Sands where a man is trying to convince the woman he loves that he loves her just the way she is. She had been dumped in a previous bad relationship because of her figure, and his reply that he doesn't care if she looks like Olive Oyl is, as you might think, the wrong thing to say.

His follow up isn't much better, since he comments that when he'd imagine who he might fall in love with, Jessica Rabbit comes up.

It is funny seeing Carth as much at sea in love as a Jedi might be, and making the same mistakes any of us guys might make in the process.

Mission, Impossible
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: Mission gets to strut her stuff

Remember to sight edit, You used sence instead of sense, and equitment instead of equipment.

I liked the escape scene from KOTOR so much I used every variation in my own work KOTOR Excerpts (Same screen name) over at Lucasforums in post 102 starting with The Crew that wishes to remain nameless.

Non Timetis Messor
HelenaL

Pre-KOTOR/Discworld crossover: There is only one constant, and even that is up for review...

When I saw the crossover, I took a few seconds to figure out who of all the Discworld might show up. But then it hit me. An aside; there are five authors I read consistently, and when it comes time to buy a book, one of them will win hands down if it's a choice. They are, Laurell K Hamilton, John Ringo, Lynsey Sands, David Weber, and of course Terry Pratchett, Author of the Discworld. I recommend all of them highly.

This piece would fit in well in his series, because Death is always reacting in a human manner when it comes to those he collects. Pratchett himself created the attitude that Death was being reshaped all the time by those he collected, creating what he called the 'trousers of time' for example where two possible futures merge for a moment, and one character gets to live one existence while at the same time hearing (Thanks to grabbing the wrong hand held imp powered computer) what happened in the other timeline as he witnesses at a remove the death of everyone he cared about.

The aside comments Death thinks about are pure Pratchett, especially 'As the saying went, only two things in life are certain, and you don't get a lot of taxes on worlds populated solely by single-celled protozoa'.

Here we see the battle between Bastila and Revan, and Death (As he sometimes does) has a little speech prepared to tell off the miscreant. In this case he even gets to give a good portion of it before Bastila saves Revan. But of course we humans, even in the Star Wars galaxy, don't get to hold onto those words of ancient wisdom.

Except as readers.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:55 PM   #1335
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In the Enclave
HanuuEshe

TSL at the Jedi enclave: The Masters act, but run into an unexpected obstacle.

One sentence near the start confused me; 'You confuse strength with power'. Since I have been working on what you might call an explanation of how magic would work in one of my own works, and hailing mentally back to the 12th century (When the Catholic Church finally changed their minds for the fourth or fifth time about witches) it would have read better if you said 'You confuse strength with evil'. It is like Jesus being told that his teachings are automatically heretical because he is not merely repeating the rote teachings of the church at that time.

The author in the afterword commented that this was a reaction to not being able to scream at the Masters, which the game didn't allow. I had basically the same reaction, but spread it out, confronting each of them separately, pointing out the flaws in their logic of 'don't go' in my own Return From Exile over at Lucasforums.

Their insistence on staying out of the situation during and after the war flew right in the face of what Jedi are taught in my mind. You teach these young people that they are the guardians and protectors of the Republic, that they should be willing to fight and die for the people of that body, then turn around and refuse to do just that when the Madalorians attack? Crucify the one person who does return, and then stand by like deer in the headlights as doom comes at the Republic again?

To quote an old Military axiom, a partial plan violently carried out immediately, beats the perfect plan when it is already too late.

If you have ever seen the musical 1776, the last vote comes down to just one state, Pennsylvannia. The members of that delegation were Ben Franklin, John Dickson, and James Wilson, the first two on opposite sides of the independence question, causing the delegation to be polled individually. Unlike the milquetoast representation of him in the musical, where he voted for independence only because he didn't want to stand out as the one who scuttled the project, Wilson was a firm proponent of independence who had his disctrict polled on it before casting his vote.

Kreia going ahead with the slaughter only made sense because the masters would have argued their rectitude right up to the end.

Pick of the Week

One Choice
Taniera Highfire

Pre KOTOR leading to the Star Forge: Looking back, Revan realizes she never really had a choice...

The piece is an interesting look at Revan's past, and the author does the one thing I did, challenge the age barrier. I had one author about two years ago decide that only babies, say up to two years old were accepted, even if this would have reduced some of the Padawan and masters to little more than babysitters, since it isn't until about three that you can even speak coherently to the average child.

Having her deal with her father again after training as a Jedi was also choice. Him making mistakes she does not, and winning a battle where he had already given up.

Remember the quote from Wellington; the winner in a battle is the one that makes the fewest mistakes. Your comment that the Mandalorians made none doesn't quite jell, though realizing that someone is using the Mandalorians as cannon fodder did.

Embracing Distance
Skywalker05

TSL in the Trayus Academy: Sion discovers the one thing he yearns for is an end.

The piece is a lovely little bit of introspection. The Exile beating him not by force of arms, just by offering the one thing he cannot do for himself. In my own Return from Exile I had a slightly different form, cutting herself off from the Force as if merely flicking a switch, rendering her invisible to his Force Sight, being able to inflict injury because he cannot draw upon the Force from her to survive.

Rain
Sleepingthedayaway

TSL, no specific planet given: Atton and the Exile search his heart for reality

The piece is all dialogue, and a bit confusing to read. But the idea, that you can't see yourself without something to mirror you is choice. With her seeing him, and letting him see what she can see, he stands not as a monster, but as a man.

Prison Chat
Arianadumbledore

Post TSL: With nothing else to do in prison, Revan and the Exile discuss what they left at home...

The piece is a bit of fun, two old friends reminiscing not about their shared past, but the different part each had that the others shares; friends and accomplishments. Having Revan just sort of reveal that he is still armed was cute.

Pick of the Week

Atton Rand's Death
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

TSL in the Trayus Academy: Atton's death frees the Exile for her final missions

The piece is pretty much what you would have anticipated in the game if you could bring more than two with you. In my own work I had their past separate them, Hanharr for Mira, Atton's memories of the last Jedi he killed, the Handmaiden's sisters for Brianna, the Jedi Visas had slaughtered, etc.

The only really jarring point for me was having Bao-Dur, Mira, and Mical joking with each other afterwards as if they had been playing a game rather than in battle.

Precious Memories
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Pre KOTOR on Dantooine: The children we will later follow grow up

The primary problem I had with the piece is that it was not sight edited. The author tended to run words together, something I occasionally do, so I try to edit before posting.

The author hit on the one point that constantly bothers me about the Jedi, that they supposedly refuse to take children above a certain age, and every author has their own cut off line. I understand why Anakin was originally rejected in TPM, he had been raised as a slave, and was attached to his mother as sole parent his entire life. Not surprising that he would be rejected at age nine. You cannot assume that a child from such a home is going to grow into a calm person, and the events that followed, falling in love, slaughtering those who killed his mother, were almost foregone conclusions. In fact Yoda's decision (to my mind) about Anakin's suitability wasn't about the fact that he felt fear, but to Anakin's defensive reaction when it was mentioned.

I realize that you have to catch the Jedi hopefuls young, but taking them as newborns never made sense to me.

Goodbye
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post TSL: The Exile has some things to do before she departs in search of Revan

The primary problem I had with the piece is that it was not sight edited. The author tended to run words together, something I occasionally do, so I try to edit before posting. You also mispelled surprise constantly.

The piece was uneven; you spent far too much time on the Fangirls,and having some of them be retread Carth fangirls didn't make a lot of sense. Then the 'serious talk' that just didn't seem serious enough. The entire work seemed to run from trying to be comedic to trying to be serious, then back again, and unfortunately, missing the mark on both ends, though having the unconscious fangirl get trampled was fun.

Lost
Sleepingthedayaway

Pre TSL: How Atton came adrift

Remember to sight edit and polish, the sentence 'about anything much any more' read kind of rough. I think it would have been better written as, 'much about anything any more'.

The piece is more a synopsis than anything else; this is Atton, this is what caused the change in him, this is Atton drifting.

It was saved by the last line, because as the author said, you have to know you're lost before you can be found.

One Of Their Moments
Post TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk:

Remember to sight edit, you used manor (House) instead of manner (method). Also, the line 'but he needs a friend and Mical doesn't fit the bill for it' would be better if you cut off the 'for it'.

The piece is a nice little slice of life after the hell they have gone through. Dealing with the emotions of Mical can be a pain, that's why I used the Mod where I could have the Handmaiden instead, just to keep from going to the dark side.

The Best Story Ever
Plutospawn

Post TSL: Atton is pregnant?

Back in the 70s, Joan Rivers made a very bad movie about a man getting pregnant, and this reminded me of it. It was just as unrealistic then as it is now.

Her
Pallas-Athena

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Just a simple cup of tea?

I think his own thoughts, that he is expected to sacrifice some animal to attain the rank of Jedi shows the same ignorance newly trained soldiers have about becoming a soldier themselves. There are always rumors of this sort; that you have to murder an innocent, or worse yet, a family member to prove your resolve.

The provenance of the tea blend itself was interesting; not where it came from, or even who supplied it, but the reason you drink it. While that seems to have little to do with Atton assuming the responsibilities of being a Jedi, the fact that it is served to someone you love was a surprise.

The piece has a surreal feel to it. Atton's thoughts of someone sitting down to tea mirror those of a lot of us. To the average American, tea is something you drink if you don't have or like coffee. The ritual of afternoon tea, as I explained in one of my own works, is because most people tend to chug coffee, but they tend to sip tea; it's a chance during an otherwise busy day to relax and discuss rather than merely stay within your own head, which is what an afternoon coffee break suggests.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 04-29-2013, 11:15 AM   #1336
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Squadron Legacy, Chapter 9; Rewrite
Sithspecter

Mandalorian War era: Chapter 9 of an ongoing work, rewritten.

Remember editing. You used though instead of thought for example.

Nice to see you back. The piece is nice and tightly written, concentrating on survival and evasion is right up there with the way SERE (Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape) is taught.

A much better read

Pick of the Week

Return of the Dwarves
Scorge

Set in Tolkein's Middle Earth: As some Dawrves prepare for a coming mission they have a slight problem...

You're still forgetting conversation breaks. Remember that as the readers, we will get confused by rapid turns of conversation, especially when we aren't sure if the speaker has changed. I got dinged a few times in my own longer works not because I forgot breaks, but because I did not denote who was speaking. If I am using breaks and they are confused, how confused do you think they are without them?

Technical, Genre: A description of a group of dwarves don't really require a physical portion beyond maybe beard/hair color and length. All of them are short, and broad with beards. The one Author who has fun with that (Both sexes having beards) is Terry Pratchett who joked in one book that part of their sexual education is figuring out what sex the other dwarf is if they are attracted to them.

If you read his books starting with Feet of Clay, he has had a sexual revolution where his female Dwarves are coming out of the mines as it were by proclaiming they are female, right down to make up and feminized mining tools. In Unseen Academicals they even have the opening of the first dwarf oriented clothing shop, though calling anything made of metal (primarily chainmail) clothing is human mind boggling.

Technical, Dwarf dwellings: Except in Ankh Morpork in that series, dwarves tend to live in huge numbers, and underground as much as possible. Think of a modern bunker leading to an underground base. So having only the seven of your party the only occupants doesn't make sense.

While the Hobbit has the dragon Smaug capture the Lonely Mountain from them, they have excellent defenses, and the average dragon would avoid them because while hard to kill, dragons can be trapped in a tight place where they can not move quickly. Having studied mythology including dragons, the only way I could see for Smaug to have succeeded would be if Tolkien had been using a more Eastern version of a dragon. Most Western (European dragons) are more like the one from Shrek where they are heavier and more solid than the sinuous Chinese or Japanese dragons.

Since a Dwarf mine doesn't need high ceilings as shown in the Lord of the Rings movie, you have something like the comment made in Kelly's Heroes where Clint Eastwood's character is pointing out the problem the Tiger tank drivers have; an open country tank in a town with narrow streets and short sightlines. The larger chambers shown in the movie were probably because they mined out everything at the upper reaches, then downward, leaving the caverns we see.

Of course since the Lonely Mountain was also a mine, the opening was probably widened to allow wagons of goods and ore to be taken out. His lair inside the mountain was described as the old King's Hall, so both his entry and lair would have been accessible to a European Dragon.

So unless there is something to mine, it is unlikely the Darves would be interested.

Technical, personal weapons: While we see mass production and preparation of weapons in the Lord of the Rings, any warrior would care for his own weapon once it leaves the bmacksmith's hands. While you might stop at a village (Or in this case the mine) and have a blacksmith sharpen it for you, you would also more likely do any weapons prep yourself. So handing off their weapons to one member and having him deal with this is unlikely.

The story is far too short to get a good feel for it as yet. One thing; I don't always have time to play 'follow the link'.

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Star Across the Nighttime Sky
SeaBreeze

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile deals with unwanted advice, and her own emotions

The piece is short, and to the point. My biggest problem with it is that of all people Kreia is the one least likely to give her good advice in this regard.

I constantly wonder how many Jedi actually cleave tightly to the Code. I cannot see every one of them ignoring every emotional attachment.

The Opposite of Forever
Niki Chidon

Post TSL: A decade after Morgana's death, Carth gets a chance to live again

The piece did something most do not try to do; look at the people who sit at home and wait while the hero of the epic is away going through his adventure. We dob't see a lot of it, mind. Just the last day of Carth being strong, but not falling apart. The catalogue of the injuries he's taken during that time, and the reason Zaalbar wasn't with Revan when he left.

The connections remained strong though, and now they can look forward to some peace. Because as Revan said, the next crisis is someone else's problem.

Chocolate pudding
sleepingthedayaway

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Mira remembers her past thanks to a dish of chocolate pudding

The only negative I have about it is that chocolate is an Earth linked product. However the story was excellent.

Pick of the Week

He and She
Mettiz

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Two people who can't admit their feelings, so they get a little help...

Remember to sight edit. You had several sentences where they needed polishing and editing. 'She had tried numerous times to stop the Ebon Hawk crew to call her that', for example needs to have 'to' removed, and 'call' replaced with calling. The problem your having with this is no biggie; When I start letting the writing flow, I'll do much worse. That's why I always try to edit before posting. Of course I slip too...

Also, remember conversation breaks. Running the words together to get the idea across faster was a fun bit, but add that to no conversation breaks, and it becomes very confusing.

The pairing isn't as odd as the author thinks. I have seen at least a dozen where either a female Revan or Bastila end up in his arms and bed. But locking them in was very fun, expecially when they figured out how and why.

Pick of the Week

Star wars Fate's Saviour
Dream-forger

KOTOR on Dantooine: The new apprentice has a final mission before becoming a Padawan.

The piece needs some polishing, the flow just doesn't feel right. That is why my mantra for every writer (Including myself) is reread, edit, rewrite, polish, repeat.

Technical note: The armor's colors denote their present rank primarily; a simple grunt would have the next color up to show a promotion. But since Mandalorian armor is ubiquitous, the idea that Canderous can automatically identify one man out of the millions that fought for the Mandalorians is a stretch. It would be like say General Patton identifying one man in his 3rd Army by the way he wears his hat.

I only had time to read the first chapter, but it was interesting enough that I wished I had time to read more.

Don't Go
Lightsider

Pre Mandalorian Wars: With the Mandalorian Wars beginning, the soon to be Exile tries to hold on to her friend and lover

The piece was well written apart from some grammer errors (it is a part of something, not apart).

The only negative I have is the final confrontation didn't gel for me. In TSL when they run the recording of the last meeting with the council, they say Revan had contacted her, and now (in their minds) she is going to join in the new crusade. Yet this story gives a time period of more than 18 months during which the sole returning Jedi (Her) had not been judged by them for her actions in the previous war.

Disillusion Tyro
Vangruel

Pre-Mandalorian Wars to TSL: The boy who will one day be Nihilus in training.

The author commented that grammar is a problem, and the spellcheck isn't working, so I will merely repeat my mantra I give to any young writer; reread, rewrite, polish until smooth. What spellcheck might not catch can be caught by using a critical eye, whether it is you doing that editing, or a beta-reader.

Technical notes: Having him be of Spanish descent breaks the 'long ago in a galaxy far, far away' stricture. Using the Spanish words doesn't because theoretically, the word Nada can mean 'nothing' in another language of some planet somewhere. Having his father be a Force User (But of one of the many non-aligned sects) was an interesting aside, but they would have to be known to the Jedi themselves and be accepted within narrow bounds for the Jedi to accept one of their own for training.

Technical notes 2: The one thing Vrook was raking the boy over the coals for, his unnecessary brutality, makes sense, but from that point on it didn't. You have Vrook acting like Grandpa Simpson as he is castigating the boy. In one episode Grandpa claimed Death was coming for him, and spent the rest of the episode pointing at something, and shouting 'Death!”. He's so busy making every reaction come from the Dark Side that I am surprised that he could even teach a single student. You also have teachers too busy to pay attention.

Technical notes 3: If you are going to read the riot act to a student, you do not do it with your door open so others will hear it unless you're going to make it an object lesson for the entire class. Allowing other students to interrupt it also doesn't make sense. Having Vann (Who I assume will one day be Revan) walk up, not only interrupt but have a side conversation with the student, then challenge the teacher is also something that would not logically occur, though questioning the judgement of that teacher by logical questions does. Having Vann heir to some vainglorious title is more Dark Side; after all he is described as in his early teens, making him perhaps a year older than the student. Having a teenager overrule a master and suggesting that a 16 year old be made a Knight also makes little sense, since Anakin in AOTC was 19 and still a Padawan.

Beyond the things I mentioned above, the work has an intriguing appeal to it. I did not have time to read the other nine chapters, but wish I did.

Shattered Dreams
Snarryvader81

Post TSL: Revan returns, but not as Carth had expected

The piece is very well done, and as the author pointed out, it is kinda fun to torture Carth occasionally. I have only two negatives...

KOTOR and TSL are five years apart. We do not have a timeline on when Revan left the Republic, though in this story she is gone for six full Earth years (Explanation for the clarification to follow). It is assumed at the end of TSL that the Exile went in search of her; again, there is not time line for when he departs. So it begs the question, how is the child already five years or more old?

Technical note, Year length: An Earth year is 365.25 days of 24 hours each. This is what we grew up with. But there is nothing that says the year of every planet out there is that length. In David Weber's Honor Harrington Series you have originally three planets in a dual star system, each with different year and day lengths. For example, the planet which was the first they settled has a year of 673.31 local days, but 629.83 Earth days in length (Local days of 23 hours and change), and that is just the beginning of the time keeping problems, because there are two other planets (One with a year of over five T years in length) to add in!

So using Earth's calender doesn't quite work.

Pick of the Week

Revan Was Gone
BananaLollipop17

Post-KOTOR: All he has left is memory

The piece is short and to the point. Carth realizes that as the author said, Revan had merely become better at hiding what she planned.

Pick of the Week


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4057648/1/Proof
Proof
Athena Solaris

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: His final words reveal his heart.

The piece like all of the author's work is a choice slice of life. The farewells are couched as you would expect with two Jedi. The ending line the perfect counterpoint to that departure.

The only negative is the one I constantly rail about with the Master's decision not to intervene... after years of teaching their students that their lives were to be spent on serving the Republic's people, why did they have to go all Delphic Oracle on them in this case?

If you don't understand that last line, remember this. Before the Medes and the Persians went to war, the Medes sent a messenger to ask the Oracle how the war would come out. The reply? 'If you go to war, an empire will fall'. The Oracle was accurate; the Medes fell, and Persia was later able to threaten Greece.

Pick of the Week

The Next Mission
MisfitGirl13

Ten years post-KOTOR: No rest for heroes...

Remember to sight edit, though your primary failure in this regard was misspelling Admiral Dodonna's name.

Technical note: unless you're sending a fleet, this is not a job for an Admiral. You don't send admirals on scouting missions, you never have a lot of them, except in militaries that are bloated as the Republic probably was before the Mandalorian Wars, or at the end of a war where you have a lot of people who get reduced in rank or Riffed because you had to build up your forces. For example George Armstrong Custer attained the rank of Major General during the War Between the States, but when he died at the Little Big Horn, he was only a Colonel. The fact that Carth retains the rank means he was good enough not to end up on the RIF (Reduction In Force) list.

For a scouting mission, you would send a captain or perhaps a commodore; more likely a captain because he is more expendable in the military mind than a flag officer. I didn't get a chance to read the following chapters, so I don't know what force you intend to send; too large a force would be impossible to hide, and too small a force would be eaten alive if they are caught.

As an intro to a third KOTOR it is a good start. I was curious as to how Carth had 'run away' from the Jedi, unless he had the same skill Kreia did to make herself unnoticed. This would have been necessary, as he spent a great deal of time at the Jedi temple of Dantooine and actually traveling with four Jedi on the Original mission without being detected, just as Kreia and later Chancellor Palpatine concealed their actual capabilities without detection.

The idea that Revan hasn't returned out of sheer stubbornness was cute.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-05-2013, 10:29 AM   #1337
machievelli
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The Lord of Hunger
The Catto

On Malachor V after SMG deployment: There is one person remaining that will survive

The piece has an interesting feel to it. It reminds me of some of the post apocalyptic movies of the late 60s, especially two I remember (Though I don't remember the titles) where the 'monster' that terrorizes a group in the one sheltered place from the devestation, is really the mutated ex-boyfriend of the girl in the story, or the father who has been trying to get home since the bombs fell.

Like the 'monster' in that story, we don't know how the hunger became what it was with Nihilus, only that it did. Having him stagger across the devastated landscape draining the other survivors to live is a chilling portrayal.

Welcome back

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Dealing with the Past
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

No time after TSL given: Like Cheers, but with guns

Remember to sight edit. First there are words used that don't fit; no where instead of nowhere, gave her food instead of given or offered. Also there are sentences missing words or that don't scan well; 'Well, slap some stun cuffs and call me a Wookiee's uncle!' needs to be rewritten, such as 'cuffs on me', 'But Sera, you can't this up forever until you grow old and die' can lose either forever or until you grow old or die and still make sense.

Technical note, titles: Jedi Exile, Jedi Master, and Hapan Queen Mother. Quite a mouthful, but you do not have someone old enough to be all of them. The Exile would have been in her mid 30s during TSL, assuming she was in her early 20s during the Mandalorian Wars, since five years passed between the Wars and KOTOR, then another five years between KOTOR and TSL (Official timeline here). So Exile and Master yes. As for Queen Mother I address that in the next review, as this is a section replacing these two reviews.

Technical note, Bounty Hunters and Pirates: There are bars like the one described here even today where mobsters hang out without worrying about those pesky lawmen. Back during the Age of Piracy there were as well. However there are a couple of glaring inconsistencies. First, remember that piracy is like murder; whenever you get caught, you can still be tried for your crimes, so while the local cops might not raid the place to catch you, they would watch them hoping to catch you later. The other is the Bounty Hunter. First, the bounty is way too high.The average bounty in the game is only around 300 credits, which I would call chump change, so I would assume the regular ones in reality would be higher, but not this much higher.

As an historical example the bounty on the James Boys paid out by Missouri Governor Thomas Crittendon was 10,000 each. But that was because the railroads had put up the bounty money. The governor did not have the authority to pay out almost a third of his state's annual budget at the time to catch two men. Also the idea that the Bounty Hunter did not know who had placed the bounty doesn't make a lot of sense.

Last, like a pirate, a bounty hunter is in it for the money. He's not going to go into a protected bar, gun down or take his bounty, and expect to get out alive. Using just modern technology, not all that might exist in Star Wars, such a bar could have metal detectors, chemical detectors (To detect the chemicals used in propellants) and radio frequency detectors (to stop the local police from slipping in a man who can set up a raid). Just about every customer would be either an affiliate or hired muscle to protect the patrons. So getting in to find your target? No biggie. Trying to take them inside? Suicide.

Return
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post TSL about a year: If it's not one thing it's another...

Remember to sight edit. You tend to run words together causing confusion for the reader. Watch out for obvious redundancies; in the first paragraph you say twice that the planet is wilderness, and twice that they never see true night due to the visual effects of the system. One was enough. In the second you do it again, this time saying the man is dying in his deathbed. The term deathbed pretty means he is dying.

Technical note, fuel: It is unlikely that a ship in the Star War universe would run out of fuel enroute to a destination, and the reason is simple. Modern commercial aircraft (And as a light freighter, Ebon Hawk is a commercial craft) have fuel warnings. Just using the modern day equivalent:

The crew of a 757 from Tokyo Japan to San Francisco is struck down by sickness, and you have to take control. Not as bad as it sounds since the 757 has not only auto-navigation but also auto-landing capability. All you need to do is program the auto-navigation system. Not knowing where you are, you think of where you are going, which is in your case, New York via a connecting flight. So you grab the Jeppson guide, program in the code for New York, and the system rejects it. The reason it does is you do not have enough fuel to make that trip.

You see, the computer has the available fuel remaining in it's memory and the distance that fuel will carry you. If you put in a distance further than it will fly, it will reject it, and the system will give you a warning as to why. The same system also has a listing (If asked) of the destinations you can reach. It is unlikely that the Ebon Hawk's computer is not that capable. Unlike the craft in my example, your primary concern is not crashing, it's the fact that in a spacecraft, you may be unable to get anywhere at all. Spatial distances, even in our solar systems are too vast. The best way to understand this is to read the short story 'The Cold Equations' by Tom Goodwin, which can be found on the web in PDF format.

Technical note, titles: In royal lines there is no such title as King Father, not even in the Hapan Cluster. In the previous review for Dealing with the Past, I found the title Queen Mother, and it wasn't until after I reviewed it that I discovered that Queen Mother is the title of the overall monarch.

The Hapan system is a mixture of lineages , being both patrilineal (The father's blood determines who rules) and Matriarchal (The women rule). However it isn't as simple as I have painted it; because it is the wife of the first born son who is Queen Mother. She gains her throne and authority from him. But the king is the king until he abdicates or dies, it is that simple. So his new wife, the Queen Mother at the start of the story automatically loses her authority when her husband dies unless there is an heir. In your case that heir had died before her father, and therefore it fall upon his elder daughter.

When a monarch steps down, he is not called the King Father, even if he is the father of the new monarch, he is given a lesser title. As an example in 1936 when Edward VII abdicated to allow himself to marry Wallis Simpson, his brother Albert became George VI. Edward was named Duke of Windsor, a life title (Meaning when he died, his children would not gain the title). This would have been the case regardless of who replaced him, since a Regency Council would not have allowed him to maintain the title of King.

Technical note, attainted procedure: When your dying king names his daughter by his first wife, the second wife remembers banishing the woman upon her return after the Mandalorian Wars. This is wrong on several levels.

1: Jedi, When she went to the Jedi, she would more likely have had her title as princess removed because a monarch, like a wife and mother, cannot have a countervailing loyalty. The Jedi were supposed to be loyal to the order and Republic as a whole. Having her later ascend a throne could cause a schism in the nation because she has shown no direct loyalty to her home. A Count (Such as Count Dooku) could attain that title, but a count does not have all of the authority of someone higher in the peerage, and in Dooku's case, it would probably have been a life title as mentioned above.

2: Secrecy. In the case of Edward VII mentioned above, it would have to be public to be legal. This means there should be no way the King did not know about it, since he would have to go to his version of parliament personally and ask for her to be set aside. A Queen Consort (His wives) would not have the authority to order such an action legally, even in the Hapan Cluster as shown when Tenel Ka assumed the throne upon not her mother, but her father's death. The succession must be decided by the monarch and the parliament.

In an odd note, the Succession of Henry VII to the throne after the death of Richard III was by definition illegal because the writ that allowed Richard to ascend the throne was set aside unread. For parliament to set aside a law, even a bad law, it is required that the law in question be read into the public record and have debate on it's merits before voting. Henry brought that writ, ordered that it not be read aloud, ordered that there would be no debate on it's legality, then ordered parliament to vote on it.

There are historical examples of what the Hapans are facing; when King Henry VIII divorced Catherine of Aragon, he first petitioned the Pope for an Anullment. Since he had a daughter, the Pope refused. Henry retaliated by creating the Church of England, with himself as it's head, and then went to parliament to have Catherine set aside.

Once that had been done, Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn. When Anne became pregnant, he again went to parliament to have Catherine's daughter Mary declared illegitimate, removing her from the succession.

When Anne gave birth to Elizabeth, Henry again tried for a son with Anne, who had three recorded miscarriages. When Anne protested his intent to set her aside, he had her tried for incest, adultery and treason, and she was executed. It wasn't until Edward VI was born that Elizabeth was also declared illegitimate. This caused a great deal of turmoil in England when Edward died before he reached his majority, forcing the British to first bring Mary back into the succession, then when she died childless, brought back Elizabeth. But in both of those cases, parliament had to repeat the actions of Henry VII, bring out the writs, and then declaring them invalid.

You see, an annulment is not a divorce, it is a legal statement saying the marriage never happened. Look at Prince Charles in the modern day. Under the rules of the Church of England, you cannot marry again while your divorced wife lives. That is why he waited until Diana was dead before marrying his 'true love'.

Technical note, titles: We do not know what title Revan had before her departure to the Mandalorian Wars, but having her claim the title of Jedi Grand Master makes no sense. Having a Grand Master lead the military intervention would have caused serious problems within the order. Considering the events that followed it would have been worse, since it would be like the Pope personally leading a Crusade against the Catholic Church's sanction. The Catholic Church would have set him aside so they could declare a new Grand Master the instant his feet left the ground.

A claimed title means nothing if you do not have a legal leg to stand on. Joshua Abraham Norton declared himself Emperor of the US, but using his signature on a land grant would not have stood up in any court, as the title was self proclaimed, and therefore invalid. So having 'Grand Master Revan' declare the Exile a Jedi Master would be just as invalid.


18 Things You Don't Want To Hear on the Ebon Hawk
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Both KOTOR and TSL: A listing of what you would rather not hear yet again.

Remember Conversation breaks. Running the different speakers together detracts from the story. A reader should be able to follow it like a movie, not have to mentally jump from one to the other as they speak in the same sentence.

Actually as much as the author comments that she doesn't do humor, some of the suggestions are funny. My favorite was shooting Atton in the knees before saying she loves him, and Mira's advice on how to get a man. In When the Devil Dances by John Ringo, you have a young Cally O'Neal asking an older woman how to find the right guy. Since a man had tried to rape her, and she replied by shooting him, she finally decides the way to do this is to shoot the next guy she feels affection for with a .22 caliber pistol, and if he comes back, he must be serious...

KOTOR Wedding
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post TSL: Revan and Carth can't even have a quiet moment together...

The first part, the giggiling girls (Ignoring Bastila of course) joking about the wedding was good, though it had the flaws previously addressed in your works. However it went bad with the second section, as addressed below in the Technical note.

Technical note, Send in the Clones: The use of clones by the Dark Side leaders such as Emperor Palpatine in the EU is a given. However this is the better part of 4,000 years in the past. It would be like the people who built Stonehenge (2000 BCE) using a modern crane in that construction. We know how much of technology has changed in that time here on Earth, so let's look at what might be used in cloning:

They had the process way back when, it was called having a baby and raising that child to think he is actually his father, or descended from the Gods. Before you protest, that is what they did with the Dali Lama and the Japanese Emperors from the distant past up until the last century; you're a reincarnated soul who is also the head of our religion, or you are descended from the Goddess Amaterasu in an unbroken line for 13,000 years. Obviously it didn't work very well. Modern cloning could make a clone of you, but you don't have the speeded up maturation process mentioned in Attack of the Clones, so an eighteen year old would have to grow for eighteen years. But it would not be an exact duplicate without a lot of additional work.

Read the Book The Boys From Brazil where Josef Mengele is trying to recreate Adolph Hitler. Even the process there has problems as they are trying to recreate his early life as well; having the 'fathers' of the fifty odd boys have careers as close to the orignal's as possible, including the timing of their deaths, and ages they die at.

It made some sense with the Emperor, after all he is the only Sith remaining. But the Sith back then weren't using the rule of two yet. The instant Revan was believed dead, Malak would have acted like any usurper, eliminating all possible threats, and a clone of Revan would have been a threat.

Screwed
Epic Bad Ass

Post TSL:

Remember to sight edit. In your case, I would suggest looking for redundancies; you say the first character is in all black, then describe every item, again saying black. It reminds me of the scene in the last episode of MASH when the Korean girl Soon Lee is describing her family, and every description is exactly the same. If you are kicking someone, you are using your leg, so you don't need to say 'with his leg'. Saying a Selkath is a Selkath is like saying my cat, which is a cat. Oh and it is red (The color) not read (scanning the words).

Second, as mentioned in a previous review of another writer, the bounty is way too high. One of the highest bounties ever paid was for Jesse James at 10,000 dollars, which accounting for inflation, would be over 212,000 today. In comparison, the average modern bounty hunter only makes about 20,000 a year. However on further reading, you did explain the bounty is due to inflation (Which the other writer did not).

Technical note, Weapons: When using weapons, remember their areas of effect. With modern weapons, a modern Fragmentation grenade has a kill radius of about 15 feet for example. An incendiary grenade (White Phosphorus) has a fifty foot kill radius. You used the Star Wars equivalent (Which is softball sized, not kiwi fruit sized) in a space too small for the one using it to be safe from the effects. The reason I used those two grenade types is because they are two of only three grenades (The other concussion, or what they call flash-bangs) that have timed delays. The two mentioned have this so the one throwing them can get under cover, or far enough away before they detonate.

Technical note, kolto: Since kolto is a naturally occuring resource, you do not manufacture it, you process it. Like Opium, which starts as paste, then is reduced into it's final form of Heroin Sulfate. You have 10% remaining at each stage, so a hundred kilos of opium paste ends up as 100 grams of powdered heroin.

The piece is fast paced, action packed, humorous and well written. I have a personal pet peeve about stealth and shield belts, since you don't see them in the more modern (As in 4,000 years later) Star Wars, except for the physical shields used by the Gungan, and the ones used in Droidikas. However that didn't stop me from enjoying chapter one.

Couldn't read it all, more the pity, but if you're reading this article, I suggest it highly.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR 3: The Real War
Darkmoonvampire

Through KOTOR and TSL: Now the real war can begin

The piece is well written. Even though chapter one was merely a recap of the first adventure, and according to the author chapter two is a cecap of the second, I was drawn in by the writing style. You didn't merely rehash what had occurred, you made the story your own, and that is what a good writer does.

I especially liked how you had your Revan drug Carth to keep him from following, and giving us a destination for where the Exile can pick up the trail. One thing that bothered me about both games was that all we knew was that Revan was bound for the Unknown regions, and the Exile had to just search there. It would be like a General from the War Between the States looking for her old commander, and being told she went West with all of the Western US territories of that time to search.

Pick of the Week

Becoming An Apprentice To A Lightsabre Master
EragonPeep

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: An apprentice gets a new master

The piece has only two problems with it. One, remember conversation breaks, even if the communication is telepathic. You forgot this in the section before the ceremony, and I had trouble keeping track of the speakers. Second, it is outrage, not out rage.

That being said, the piece is a fun read, and as the author points out, it does sort of sound like a marriage ceremony. This is a diversion from when we see Anakin being chosen in Phantom Menace, and Ahsoka being 'assigned' in the Clone Wars movie, but in more settled times, it would make sense.

Pick of the Week

One Night
Moonmythology

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Some alone time

One negative, I could not find Festivating in the dictionary, though it appears to be a new word linking festival with celebrate, so I will say nothing more.

That being said, the piece caused me to laugh out loud. Having Bastila in a fantasy comforting a distraught Rui (Revan) about the loss of his virginity as if she were the man in the piece, stacking boxes against the hatch (You don't have doors on ships) then having her watch the news after eating cookies (You forgot the 'C') was just fun.

Pick of the Week

Lord of the Galaxy
VX-1482

Post-KOTOR: What happens when the Dark Lord returns?

Quotation marks are supposed to separate the words spoken by the character from their actions. What this means the sentence “This is what I mean. Machievelli said”, would be correct if written “This is what I mean.” Machievelli said.

The piece is well written beyond that, and as someone who has studied the military for most of my life, the only other negatives I have are these. First, the two commanders have different styles and limits. In my own work, I compared Revan to Malak by saying Revan was more a follower of Sun Tzu, who said 'a good commander knows when to fight, and when not to fight'. Someone more comfortable with a rapier, while Malak was a 'beat on them until they submit' type, so the kind of warrior who uses an axe. Just telling the commanders to 'keep on keeping on' doesn't fit his style. That is what caused the destruction of Taris and Dantooine.

One reason I mentioned this is that Revan would be the Supreme Commander of all forces with the fleet comanders controlling their own assigned forces. You wouldn't need that position beyond staff officers in charge of the separate military arms and those fleet commanders. The situation is analogous to Admiral Halsey, who while in overall command of all three in his area of operations, had separate commanders for each. In my own Return From Exile over at Lucasforums And Dxun Memories, I had Revan as the fleet commander, because she was the better strategist, but Marai Devos, my Exile, was the Ground Commander because she was the better tactician. This is because both are specialities that don't always transfer; Halsey wouldn't have had the grasp of infantry and ground tactics needed to fully command the invasions he led. That was left to the Marine and Army generals who led the men onto the beaches.

Beyond what I mentioned, the piece is very well written. It's a pity the author wrote only one piece.

Pick of the Week

Death of a Murderer
Lady Zenoka

KOTOR After Leviathan: Companion piece to Death of a Savior, what she thought before she died.

Back In February I read the first piece, and my primary problem with Carth killing Revan was the thought; we never got to read that final letter before he killed her.

Well I got the chance. I won't say it was worth the wait, because I wish the author had posted this earlier. I could see the degeneration of her ego, her wish that she wasn't who she was, her terror of what she could become weighs on her. She is ready to die, and her relief that it would be Carth rather than her own hand that ends her life is almost stellar.

Pick of the Week

If Only
Firera

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: The relationship between Kavar and the Exile

The piece is well written, the interplay between the characters very well done. Her dealing with not only her own feelings but the feelings of those around her who want to be in her place is fun, as is Kavar's reaction to the revelation of those other girl's fantasies related to him. A lot of fun.

Pick of the Week

considering starting a webpage featuring all of my published work for e-copy. Now just have to find a PDF maker, and alter them for publication. Any comments?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 05-12-2013 at 10:19 PM. Reason: I made an error. Mea Culpa
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Old 05-12-2013, 10:28 PM   #1338
machievelli
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Three Moons
Msficwriter

NSW: An intro into a tale of three moons

Like a lot of fairy tales, this starts with the set up and that was interesting. Making the rulers of each moon like the moons themselves was an interesting twist; pure light, pure dark, and waffling in the middle. All we have is their lands and leaders, but so far not bad at all.

I know the moons are metaphors, but part of me (That logical part) had to come up with the actual orbital mechanics to make the moons described work. I was able to for the Illuminated and the Void, but that is really just my own mind running at idle as it were.

Long time no see.

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The Knights of the Old Republic
Setne

Pre-KOTOR: The adventure begins anew.

There is only three negatives I can see, first, it is far too short to get a good feel for the writer's style. Second, you used balanced when it should have been balance, but that is an editing problem. Last and most important, there is a simple rule of thumb when writing for the public called Clark's rule; never use several words when one word will do, but use a simple word instead of a complex one. I actually checked to make sure what adumbration meant, and being well read and almost 60 years old, that means I hadn't heard it used often. If you go to http://thesaurus.com/browse/adumbrate?s=t you have several much easier to understand words such as cloud or obscure.

You re Not Her
Sarah1281

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: That fateful confrontation seen through Malak's eyes.

Some problems with using the wrong words; counsel (advise) rather than council, protest instead of protect, though instead of thought, lead instead of led. This is more an editing problem than anything else, so nothing major. Remember that names, even ship names, are always capitalized.

All that being said, the work is a tour de force. The reasoning behind Malak's attack makes a lot more sense than the basic story line of the game, and his attempts to get Revan to understand who she was was only cloaked by the words he used as gloating.

By looking at what had been done to Revan from where he stands, the hypocrisy of what the Jedi Council has done is thrown into sharper relief. One line stands out, because it echoes my own works; 'But then, that's not exactly difficult, they can't swear an oath to protest(Should be protect) the Republic until they think that 'something bad could happen'. I looked at what the Jedi were supposed to stand for when I finished KOTOR, and the one glaring flaw was this:

You train a group of people for their entire lives to consider the Republic more important than life itself. Yet you then first order them not to intervene to protect that body, then condemn them out of hand for refusing that order.

That made sense to me.

Excellent work, well written, and well thought out.

Pick of the Week

Conquest For Power
FlameOn Jedi

Directly post-KOTOR: The band begins dissolving as the party goes on

Only one editing quibble, dispersed implies that the person is literally disappearing. I think you meant departed.

A nice slice of life ending for the story. The idea that she needs more training is a given, but said too often, as if the Council is afraid Bastila's redemption didn't take.

Star Wars KOTOR: Struggle With Darkness
Dream-forger

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: Sequel to Fate's Saviour. With Bastila now in enemy hands, our hero has a new focus

You used memorise(work at remembering) instead of memories. No biggie, I think you just misspellef, and the spell checker (Using British rather than American English) didn't catch it.

The piece was pretty much how the scene played out, though you did add Falcon as a character, but I think Carth gave up a bit too quickly. In fact the only thing that detracted from it was having the entire first chapter underlined. At first I thought it was just memories of the escape, and expected it to go back to a standard format, but at the end of the chapter it was still underlined.

Nine chapters long, again, I didn't have the time to read them all, but it looks good so far.

Revan's Heart
TsukasaFanBOF

Post-KOTOR: The real reason Revan fell the second time

On;y one flaw, describing the robe as an Arab design, since Arabs are Earth centric. Commenting about the flow of the cloth was well done except for that.

The story blindsided me. I expected another 'Carth tries to return her to the light and she kills him' ho, hum.

But from the instant Bastila comes to tell her 'she really needed to deal with this now' to the end it was a stunner. The fact that her love would be roundly condemned by the Order, and that she had done everything she had because of that love surprised and delighted me.

My only worry is, does Carth stay with her even if she is supposed to be evil? Or do they find a way to have their cake and eat it too?

Pick of the Week

A Dance in the Trees
Princess Artemis

TSL on Citadel Station: an emtry in the KFM One Night Stand Challenge, Maybe it was the wrong way to ask...

I think I reacted the same way that Bastila did at the start. The piece was a rollicking good time with a scene reminiscent of the duel between Inigo Montoya and the Man In Black with the addition of Force powers. Having the fight end because of a breaking tree branch, and Dustil's explanation of what he meant made it funny enough that I was laughing out loud by the end.

Excellent!

Pick of the Week

It Only Takes One
Adylinj

TSL: Another KFM One Night Stand entry, The road to recovering his life starts with a woman he meets

Some incorrect words It's realized instead of realize, didn't instead of don't.

There were only two points that detracted from the work. The mention that he ran with a group in his teens, when you constantly get the comments that students are too old at nine. The other was the idea that the Mandalorians would blast the planet in passing. Unless it has resources or a tech base that would be valuable, but in an area they didn't intend to occupy, it would have made sense, like blowing up a base as you go by. It would have made more sense to occupy it if you're going to go to even that much effort, or obliterate it.

The piece is good because you get an in depth view of what the Exile was going through. The frantic running away from everything that reminds him of what has gone before. Until someone makes him see that there is more to life than that. His accepting her offer, first of advice, then her bed renews him.

Pick of the Week

Dead Letters
Lady Tragic

Post-KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: The message gets there, but too late

The piece is poignant. She assumed he was using her, and is shocked briefly to discover he wasn't. The end was more shocking to me than any other part.

Pick of the Week

A Matter of Perspective and Degree
Lady Tragic

AU KOTOR on Dantooine: Revan meets someone familiar...

The basis is interesting, since as the author mentions, imprisonment is an option. The piece was short enough that I read all three chapters, and the only problem I had with it...

It's too damn short!

Pick of the Week

Selfish
Kian

Post TSL on Citadel Station: She says goodbye, more than once

The piece is sad, and her efforts to assure he will not follow cut deeper than anything else. The end is what you would expect, and the severing of all those bonds hurts more than anything else.

Pick of the Week

What Goes On In Atton Rand's Mind
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

TSL On Peragus: The escape seen through Atton's eyes.

The piece rambles a bit, following the basic story from where Atton sits, and ends enroute to Telos at the end of the chapter. There were funny scenes; the Exile playfully screaming for help because he has little skill at first aid, and he has to gag her.

Anguish of the Jedi
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A Jedi prisoner escapes, and plots her revenge

The piece needs some serious editing. I was having trouble following the story, and it wasn't until she meets Revan that I figured out where it fit.

The scenes where the Jedi confront them didn't flow well; the Jedi come off as Sith Wannabes because they won't allow them to be free, and supposedly kill the husband and child. Her retaliation in the first few paragraphs is sadistic, and the Jedi she's torturing falling back on the 'this is not the Jedi Way' is like a group of Hardcore Nazis slaughtering a few thousand Jews, then talking about honor when they are captured.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-18-2013, 10:29 AM   #1339
machievelli
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Three Moons: The Pursuit of Happiness
Msficwriter

NSW: First chapter of Three Moon, what do the gods want from us?

The piece was amusing because we have a deep philosophical discussion, but it takes place between two ten year old girls, and they of course want it to be something they understand.

It has potential, kid.

Fanfiction.net

Courtship of the Princess Exile
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post TSL: Sequel to the Return

Remember to sight edit, especially locations. In one paragraph you have them hurrying through the streets of the Hapan capital, then describe a location on Coruscant. Also, putting HK on the perimeter security, even just to escort specific people puts the wrong note on the proceeding. Sort of like having a garden party. But allowing your attack guard dogs to run free during it.

Technical note, Ship Types: The type names given to ships has varied wildly even in the last century. For example, the terms Sloop, Corvette and frigate dropped out of usage late in the 19th century, were reintroducied briefly during WWII, then the last two were brought back again in the 70s.

Battle Dragons are a type name in what we would consider the 'Modern' SW universe, the time of Luke Skywalker. What you have portrayed would be like a modern navy building a warship and calling it a Trireme.

I am not saying they might not have had a ship class by that name 4,000 years earlier, but it's even less likely they had a ship type (The difference is a class is the actual run of ships using one design, such as the Iowa class battleships. For example the USS Texas was a New York Class battleship. But while the design and capabilities are different, both are battleship 'types') of that name.

Technical note, Interaction between Hapan Nobles: The scene when she meets her stepmother doesn't really scan. First, from what I have read in the EU, the Hapan nobles are a lot like the old Daiymos of Japan; extremely polite on the outside, yet with hatred of each other concealed underneath it. First, even though she had ruled in the Father's name, the now deposed monarch first does not have the authority to summon the new queen, nor would her bodyguards be ready to attack her. Andria is now Queen Mother, and an attack on her is attempted regicide, which even in the Hapes Cluster, is a capital offense.

Attendants definitely, maybe one or two bodyguards, yes, but being ready to shoot her, no. Even if Andria had died in that room, the old Queen Mother does not have a legal leg to stand on if she tried to resume the throne.

Also, attacking Andria's mother made no sense, she was the previous Queen Mother. Unless you have a death wish, you would not verbally assault the Queen Mother's late mother to her face, or for that matter, the new Queen herself. The history of Queen Elizabeth's reign is replete with people who either ended up imprisoned, banished or executed who insulted Anne Boleyn or Elizabeth as a child once she took the throne.

Andria would be well within her rights (Under either system) to have the woman and any supporters banished, if not from the cluster, then at least from the Capital itself. In fact she could have the lot of them executed for the words the old Queen Mother spoke about both her and her mother.

In the example of Edward VII, who was king, but then became Duke of Windsor, events during WWII suggested to some that he had Nazi leanings. Because of that, he was banished from court and spent most of his remaining life on his estates.

I suggest you read the story of the 47 Ronin to understand their interactions better.

Also the comment that no one was willing to take her place as queen mother made no sense from my reading of either history or the EU. If you remember the movie King Ralph, the primary opponent of the new king was a member of parliament who could trace his lineage back to the House of Stuart, while Ralph's had been traced to the house of Windsor (Though they called it Windom in the movie).

The problem with Monarchy is there is always someone who thinks he can do it better if given the chance. Otherwise Regicide would never be attempted.

For example Edward VI was married at a young age to the daughter of one of his Regency Council, the Lady Jane Grey. When he died before reaching the throne, an attempt was made by the Regency council to place her on the throne, but supporters of Mary I fought until her legitimacy was reestablished as I mentioned in that previous review. As soon as she was on the throne Lady Jane and her father both got to meet the headsman. Later, after the death of Elizabeth, they had to go outside England to Scotland to find the new heir, as Elizabeth died without issue, and putting any of the English born contenders on the throne would have caused another civil war as occurred a century later during the Cavalier-Roundhead era.

The idea that the Alderaan monarch would try for a dynastic marriage made sense, and as much as Atton might have whined, Bao Dur had some truth to his argument. However it wasn't really a matter of what Atton might do, but how Andria reacts to the proposal. Also you're setting the cluster up for a fall. When Mary I died without issue, an attempt was made by English Catholics to declare Phillip of Spain, who had married Mary, the new King. Since the next Monarch was Elizabeth, you can figure out how that turned out.

I Don't Love You
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post TSL: The two aren't even in the same book, not to mention the page

The piece was confusing, jumping from one of them to the other without a way to tell who was thinking what. The idea that Atton would throw away one ring, then run out to get another was silly, and letting her break up defeated the purpose, since he could have told her how he felt and spiked her guns.

Fallen-Hero
OBDSW

Clone Wars: A Clone in a battle dies

The piece was too short to get a really good idea of the writer's style. What I am reminded of is a line from the new series Defiance on SyFy network. The main character is trying to convince hs partner that they should go back, fight a battle everyone thinks is hopeless but can possibly be won if they use their latest big score to help. The last exchange was:

“I don't plan on dying!”

“No one does. But it happens anyway”

Lost
Lady Tragic

Post-KOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: A good Samaritan helps a little girl

Like a lot of writers I have reviwed in my years the Author turns out work that makes you want to read on. I didn't have time to read more than the first chapter, but I can clearly see the Atton we know talking with some scruffy kid, and stepping out of character briefly to help her.

Pick of the Week

Sewers
HanuuEshe

Kotor on Telos: How did they end up in the sewer anyway?

The piece is mainly dialogue, but every word was pure Mission and Zaalbar. The comment using a forest rather than a knife drawer or pencil box fit if you were using Zaalbar's view of the world.

The interplay between the two gives a much better look at the pairing; Mission's youthful elan, Zaalbar trying to rein her in, but it's like a 98lb old lady trying to walk her 150lb rottweiler without being dragged. The situation is grim, but we the readers know what will follow, so we're not too worried.

Pick of the Week

Reverse Rebirth
Jade Star

Pre-KOTOR: The newly emerged Darth Revan takes up the reins of command

Remember to sight edit. You used weary (Tired) rather than wary (alert), boarders (People boarding) instead of border (Frontier). It's a minor problem that would get passed a spellcheck, so it's not biggie. You also used in tact instead of intact. However you used solstice at one point that made no sense, and chastis instead of chassis, which would not have. Also 'numbered by the hundreds daily, if not thousands daily' could be edited by removing either daily.

That being said, I watched the new Darth literally chastising herself as she became who she would be. There is no remorse for what has happened, or will, merely a person telling herself over and over why it must be.

Pick of the Week

Hyperdrive
Strifekun

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: He wants so many things he cannot have...

The piece is short and deeply introspective.The only thing Atton does not dream is escaping from her orbit.

What To Make of It
Strifekun

TSL on Korriban: How did a cassette recorder end up on Korriban?

Remember conversation breaks, the entire 'taped' dialogue was jammed together into a single confusing paragraph.

The piece made me wonder about your Exile. Her comments about Disciple made me think she was as young as the two on the tape. Taking it with them made some sense, but not much; A cassette recorder is so lo-tech that it reminded me of the scene in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome where he grabs the arm on the old Victorola so the kids can hear what is on the vinyl record one has been carrying.

Right or Wrong
Strifekun

KOTOR, no specific section: She just can't decide

The piece is short, and a bit confusing. Honestly the fact that their names start with the same letter doesn't really matter. When she finally gets into why they are different we see a trend emerging that makes some sense.

War Stories
Strifekun

KOTOR, no specific section: Revan loves to hear him tell stories

I think you meant thing rather than this. But I was left asking was 'believes what'?

KOTOR3: The Beginning of the End
Ticopuma

Remember to sight edit. You used were unstead or we're, focus instead of focused, throughout rather than all over, to instead of two. The sentence that includes 'true factor in the utter despise' doesn't make sense. I would have used utter contempt, because it is after all her Jealousy speaking.

Both women's reaction was more overreaction. I understand why Visas wants to help, but having Brianna willing to threaten her with a fight doesn't excuse Visas Force-choking her opponent.

The first part was confusing with the two women battling it out over who gets to save the Exile, but the intro into the second section was almost so saccharine that it hurt. You description of Revan made no sense. Having someone go from Jedi to Sith to Jedi again is not going to make him universally loved and admired.

The last made even less sense; you use Terentak to torment the prisoner, which would be like say a Roman prison using Bengal Tigers. There are a lot of smaller animals that would be useful for this that wouldn't merely have him ending up as dropping afterward. As an example, in one book a Roman Emperor had his victims bound, then thrown into a pit that had old toothless and declawed lions. Like a house cat. A Lion's tongue is abrasive. The victim would lay there unable to move while the cats would literally lick their bodies bloody.

Lords of the Old Republic
Lord Darth Master

Two hundred and seventy years after the Battle of Yavin: An attack devestates the Order, but who is attacking?

It's midriff, not mid-drift.

It made no sense for a man who is separated by five generations from his namesake to be called the second, unless it is a dynastic order, like the many Henrys and Edwards of England.

A continuity question; having Revan relocate the Star Forge made some sense, but why was Malak's fleet destroyed by him? There would have been hold outs that preferred Malak, or thought they'd take the chance to get rid of Revan, true. But in any sort of strongman order, the new person would not totally destroy the fleet. That onlt happens in rebellions, and even then you don't destroy them all, you only remove those who resisit the new order.

When I saw the blurb about the story, I was a little turned off. Too many people will jump characters from one time to another without rhyme or reason. The two from the past were not in the first chapter, but the battle was well planned, and the one question, where were the other Jedi of the Temple were was adequately explained. The one negative I would have come down on, the stealth field, I will not because this is in the future, and perhaps almost three centuries after the Battle of Yavin, such could have been created.

By the end I was wanting to read on, because the operations as mentioned bespoke a military genius rarely seen.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:57 AM   #1340
machievelli
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The Big Fight
Pupshaw21

Set in Star Wars Galaxies: A fight at Mos Eisley

As a first fic, when I read it I immediately looked at the profile because of the the obvious errors I noticed that I will enumerate below. All I have to say about that is; while Cambridge is correct that you can still read the words if the internal structure has been skewed, it does not endear you to the readers, who are automatically going to say 'you can't spell' to themselves.

In actual fact spelling was not codified until Samuel Johnson created his first dictionary in the 18th century, and a well educated man would try to see how many different spellings he could use to show off that knowledge. There are fourteen different spellings of Shakespeare all written by the playwright himself

Now, to work. First you made several redundant statements. Saying Mos Eisley is on Tatooine, is like saying Washinton DC is the Capitol of the US. Anyone who reads the name will immediately know where in the Galaxy the town is. You mentioned doing the quests three times in the first paragraph, and two of those times were redundant. When writing for the reader's enjoyment, remember the rule used by advertising agencies, brevity is best.

When the party decides to get into the free-for-all, a lot of what was said was unnecessary; beyond the division as to which side you would be on, there was little need for explanations as to rankings etc. As for not worrying about dying, since it is a game, it just means you have to start another character.

The fight itself had almost no description at all, and what there was is disjointed. There is also no character development at all. Except for Darth Vader and Jabba, none of the well remembered characters are mentioned, and it is with them, like locations in the SW universe, that you wouldn't need such development. It is like saying your character is using a specific Jedi Lightsaber technique without explaining the differences between them. Or why your specific blaster does X-number of points of damage without explaining what modifications make it that powerful.

Last two; the fight is compressed into a single paragraph, making it a bit confusing to the readers. Finally, you have to remember that in writing, spelling is important, especially since English has a lot of homonyms. Using toke (As in the fight toke place) Doesn't work, because the word toke has it's own meaning, as does took, which should have been used.

Impossible
Layana Danare

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: How can she no love him?

The piece is soft and poignant. Her memories clinging to the man as part of her mind wishes she could physically. I wondered at one point if the way he supposedly makes her name more intimate is in her own mind or reality? If you have ever seen the Japanese Anime series Project A-Ko, in Cinderella Rhapsody (The third movie) a scene where a man merely saying 'thanks' is replayed over and over in the main character's mind, becoming softer, longer, and more intimate every time she remembers it.

Actually I think a Revan-Canderous link up is a good idea. But of course I happen to like and admire the Mando'a.

Pick of the Week

Together
Layana Danare

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: They finally do what they have wanted to do.

I thought the previous work by the author was good, but this blew me away. When I play, I take a female role primarily because in the movies (Until the prequel series and the Clone Wars) the female characters were all just background fill. But as much as the Case against Star Wars lambasts our Patron's treatment of Leia and Padme, they were still strong characters.

But playing as a female, you don't have a lot of options as to emotional entanglements. Atton is too needy, and Mical too submissive. But like Goldilocks said, Bao-Dur is just right.

Pick of the Week

Escaping Taris
Rarecase

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The battle of Taris has begun

The author has a clean crisp style, and except for not using shipboard nomenclature, did pretty well. The constant go here, kill the bad guys, go on that is the flight from the ship is ignored and justly so. The important parts, meeting and losing Trask, meeting and escaping with Carth were there.

I especially liked her first reaction, ignoring what was happening because she wasn't done sleeping yet, as most jump straight into the fighting. Her roving eyes describing the builds of the men she deals with suggest a lot of fun will ensue in later chapters.

Only had time to read the first, but that doesn't mean the rest of you can't have that treat. Enjoy!

Pick of the Week

Star Wars TOR, Book one: A Starship Named Desire
Vyrazhi

Set in TOR: A new padawan faces even greater challenges in the future.

At the author's request, I am reviewing this work here. I had read the first iteration of this work over at Lucasforums quite a while ago, so I know the author's work well. The segments almost consistently received picks of the week there, so you're in for a real treat.

Simple Pleasures
DWH

Set in KOTOR: The simple pleasures are best

Mainly a series of snapshots of the lighter side of the characters, moments where they set aside Jedi reserve, and were like children. Not a pick, but well worth reading anyway.

On Your Own
Achalys

KOTOR on the Unkown Planet: It's hard enough to decide without an argument with other versions of yourself

The piece caught me by surprise. The idea that a dozen versions of Revan are sitting in a room arguing over where he is going from here was funny. I only wonder why they never spoke up before.

Then again, the one side I had a Dark Side ending, that point was where I made the choice...

Pazaak Anyone?
Rider of the Rohirrim

TSL enroute to Malachor V: Anything to pass the time

The piece doesn't have a lot of real action. Having the Disciple go pale when Nar Shaddaa Rules are explained, would have been better if he blushed furiously, but that's just me.

Call Me Jeedai
Skywalker05

Post KOTOR: Upon her return, Revan reports yet a new enemy

The piece sets up the Yuuzhan Vong, but I wonder how all knowledge of them could vanish in the intervening time. After all, we have records from societies here on earth a lot older than this.

Memini Meminisse
SnarryVader81

KOTOR, no specific timing given: In nightmares, Revan returns to the past

The piece covers one aspect few consider about having Revan's memory overwritten; would that destroy the old memories, or merely supplant them? Scientist have claimed for almost half a century that we use only 10% of our brain. Is it like a computer where a deleted file is merely marked hidden and renamed until it is overwritten later?

You also have to realize that the one reason for people theorizing about past life and reincarnation is that sometimes you have dreams where a person seems to relive events that have never occurred in their lives. I For example had a couple of that sort; dreaming that I was standing in the pass of Thermoplae with our king already dead, seeing the arrows coming, and almost embracing death. A few years later standing on a Field in Japan as the leader screams for us to attack.

Stare
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

KOTOR, no specific timeing given: She never really saw him

Since I have reviewed other works by the pair, I have already given advice on correcting spelling etc, so I will forgo it. After all, it's been about five years, and I assume they have gotten better since.

The piece is nice and dark, and in a way you almost get the feeling that he is afraid she really is looking at him when she comes awake. Well portrayed in that regard.

Preoccupations
Promised Flower

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Locked up yet again, what will they do to pass the time?

The piece, as self described, is a light bit of fluff. The idea that the Exile in this story would suddenly become the aggressor causing Atton to backpedal frantically was really fun. Atton's reactions were a bit trite, but on the whole an amusing read.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-01-2013, 10:31 AM   #1341
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No Food for Fishies Today
Lyrik Proz

KOTOR on Manaan: What DO you do about the Whimpering Locker?

The whimpering locker in the undersea habitat is one of those thing I used to throw into the old D&D game back when I was a DungeonMaster (Try the mid 70s, you know, when dinosaurs ruled the Earth). You know what I mean. Hack and slash, blood and gore, then suddenly in the middle of all of it, something that makes you either giggle, laugh out loud, or maybe just roll your eyes.

The author starts off tongue in cheek, just pronounce the handle above, and go from there. If that wasn't a good enough clue, do the same with the Jedi's name as Kev does.

The piece is part humor, and a bit of pathos. You as the player know the person in the locker is safe now, but try convincing him.

Atton's New Lightsaber
Angelof Geeks

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: What do you do if someone makes an assumption? Go with it!

The piece is cute, primarily because of the innuendo, a staple of stage and screen comedy, and well used here. The ending left me a bit flat, because Atton goes from joking to serious in a couple of seconds flat.

SWKOTOR Memories
Yoshie-Chan

Six moths Post TSL: The people following our two heroes into the unknown are starting to worry the Council...

The Author's first fanfic, so I'll be gentle.

Remember conversation breaks, which you missed in the paragraph where the Masters are pontificating. In your profiles (All three of them) you commented on cleaning up problems, and I can see where you have. But you still need to sight edit for grammar and word usage. You used lone when you meant long, you're (You are) when you meant your (Possessive) of instead of off, that kind of thing. Since they would pass a spell check, I assume it's the same problem I sometimes have, the story flow going a bit fast and you miss the errors.

Technical note, Military: An admiral doesn't just 'decide' to take leave. I'm using the US military as an example, and in the service you get two weeks leave every year, to a total of two months, because it doesn't roll over after that. An Admiral is one of those who is assumed to have an important enough job that unless he has to take his leave to avoid losing any addition, no one can tell him he has to. By the same token, he can't just decide to take it; his superiors (Whether a superior officer, the man in charge of his separate service, such as Chief of Staff of the Army, or his civilian commander (Secretary of the Army, Secretary of Defense, or President) has to authorize it. This can take hours (You're tired, and they feel you need rest) to weeks (Your position is vital, and they aren't sure if your vice [assistant] can handle it).

Technical note, just being a mean old man: I liked the idea that Mical of all people had figured out why they were being called in. But there was a glaring catch there. You see, let's take modern life as an example: the CIA has created the ability to alter long term memory and literally erase parts of someone's past. We're not talking a Neuralizer like they use in Men in Black, which is really a sledgehammer in comparison to merely reprogramming portions of the physical computer we all carry in our heads.

Agent 'A' who up until a few months ago was merely a cog in the machine has suddenly begun to act in a manner the head office considers dangerous to the agency. So they are going to pull him in, erase that last assignment. First; almost every agent working for a secret organization has a 'retirement' fund he's created for when his agency Rifs him, whether it is money or data that he can use to assure they don't Rif him with a bullet behind the ear. As in this case, a fallback that will be able to give him back part of what they are taking away.

So the council brings them in. While they are cleaning out all of the memories, technicians are going to do the same with the ship and droids, just as the CIA in my analogy would be vacuuming the computers and physical media, books, data storage etc, from the agent's residence. But here is where the Council's plan might have a serious flaw.

I am sure that the T3 design is as ubiquitous as the R2 and C3 models are in the 'modern' Star Wars universe, they can merely get another unit, check to see what data they can safely transfer, and do so, telling the new droid, that he is now T3-M4. But even with the HK50 and 51 models, I don't see them being able to do the same. HK47 accortding to the Wookiepedia was designed and built by Revan, the later models something created by an outside agency. But I am willing to bet that like their 'progenitor', his primary core (The original programming created by Revan) was sealed so that if he ever returned to Revan, it would be there for later use.

So the programmers (If they were experts) would recognize that there were memory segments not accessible to them, and that they cannot carry out their mission. In this case, it would be easier to notify the Masters and they would merely add those memories to the data erasure; Atton would return to the ship, and greet T3, but would not remember the assassin droid either.

The situation is interesting. I know why the Council would want to stop them from following; the Republic is still fragile. But on whose authority beyond their own have they made this decision?

The author did do one thing I heartily approve of; because among those Atton recognizes is Visas, meaning Jolee and Juhani also have to be in that mix. This suggests that whatever they plan is also a secret from the remainder of the order.

The author has created a new account called Kamikaze_Watermelon, then to DreamingAvidly in case you're interested. I have note it here so that when and if I run into other works, I can keep track.

Sixteen chapters long. I wish I could read them all, since we still do not know exactly how comprehensive the data removal is going to be at the end of chapter one.

Pick of the Week

Dakari: The Real Story
Artemis' Bow

KOTOR on Taris: A unique look at the relationship between Bastila and Revan

I tend to play Revan as female (Still do, regardless of 'canon') and I, like the author, never liked Carth that much. There was too much emotional baggage even at the best of times, and having someone so profoundly paranoid made me want to 'accidentally' kill him. Thanks to the mods that have been created for the game, the situation the author describes can occur, so if you want to flirt and have Bastila fall in love with your female character, it can happen.

In my own KOTOR fiction over at Lucasforums I went for another approach; I expanded on the Echani who until about four years ago, were merely some offshoot race with no definition. I had Revan be one of the Echani races, a red haired version instead of platinum blonde, and made them empathic, which explains the strength of the Force Bond between her and Bastila.

I also made their race both a martial one, but also one that would appear to an outsider, as very libertine; relationships are judged by those within that relationship, not by outsiders. My Revan bonded with Bastila during their fight on the Star Forge using one of those forms; technically according to my version of Echani society, it doesn't matter what sex the other member of a marriage is because there are scientific means to arrange for progeny. I did it again in another form with my female Exile and the mod that allows you choose the Handmaiden instead of Mical (Don't even get me started on him!), by having my Exile choose her as both sister and Battle-companion. I also had Atris' madness begin because she wanted a stronger relationship, and one of her personalities finally admits it to the Exile in their climactic battle.

The piece was very well done. The interplay with Bastila is clearly defined, whereas the others are just window dressing behind them both. Eight monster chapters long, again it's one of those I wish I could read completely.

Pick of the Week

Walls
Selphish

Pre TSL: Atton never saw it coming...

It's emotionally atrophied, not emotional.

We all know the story behind what happened between Atton and his last Jedi victim, but the author does it in a subtle manner that makes her opening up his mind as much a shock for us as it was for Atton.

Pick of the Week

Merry Happy
Darth Avery

From TSL to three years after: Atton waits patiently for his love to return

It's met her, not here bear (Carry) instead of bare (Nude). You misspelled Dantooine and Malachor as well. Forgot some quotation marks, but no biggie with any of that.

The piece is tied to the song, and mainly vignettes from the game and the early aftermath. There is only one flaw:

A comlink is like a hand radio issued to the troops. It is a short ranged tactical device. So unless the Exile was in the Nal Hutta system, or patched into the hypercom system and broadcasting it everywhere, he shouldn't have received her message on Nar Shaddaa if she is bound for Coruscant, a quarter of the Galaxy away. It would be like a trooper stationed in Afghanistan transmitting a message while on patrol, and being picked up on the East Coast.

Nicely done.

Pick of the Week

Fall of a Dark Lord
Rawksyand

You used the wrong word several times. Immensity(the fact of being immense) does not match the way the sentence is phrased. You also used faltered (has already) instead of faltering (In the process)

It was cute to equate a violet lightsaber blade with the word violent, considering her past.

The piece was a bit generic, the verbal interplay a little too trite. Saying the light will always prevail needed a better metaphor; as in saying that like a sunrise, the light will return, though mentioning that the darkness within that light will return was good. It was interesting that Revan as she is now realizes that the code is wrong, even as she fights to preserve it. Her arguments against denying emotions a perfect example of the flaws in the logic of the code as stated.

The Mandalorian Wars
Vangrul

Mandalorian Wars: The war from several views

Remember to reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. The sentence 'Those who stayed and took up his offer and sacrificed body parts and went through amputations and transplants at his hands were spared and those who were assimilated into the Mandalorians clans were also spared.' is long, convoluted, and confusing. You also used the wrong word several times, seen rather than saw, want instead of wanted, sit instead of sat, or used the same word such as the word 'such' twice.

The story was more confusing than anything else. Having a renegade Vong actively assisting would have been noticed however, if only by wild stories, and unless Republic intelligence is totally clueless, they would have recorded it.

From Behind The Mask
Skywalker05

KOTOR: What if Revan was of an unknown alien race?

The basics are interesting, and honestly the only reason Revan is human is Canon.

KOTOR II and a half: Dark and Light United
Fellowship of Darl Light

Post TSL: A collaborative effort, As Robert Frost said (Paraphrased) the best laid escape plans...

Remember to reread and edit before posting, you used course (direction) when you meant coarse (Rough) and for got to finish out sentences such as 'He wasn't her punching bag but if (he) had sent'.

That being said, the editing errors above were overriden by the sheer humor of the piece. Naming a Gizka Snackcake for example, and witty repertoire such as...

"W-What's that do?" The Jedi asked hesitantly.

"Hell if I know but there's only one way to find out." Neko said with a shrug as he activated the device causing the object so screech before it started spinning at an alarming speed. Keyan grew increasingly nervous as the object neared him.

"Isn't the point of an interrogation to ask your prisoners questions before you torture them?" He said hastily while all the time trying to sink into the stone tablet behind him.

"Who said I was interrogating you? This, my friend, is stress relief."

And of course the Sith female using her 'assets' to confuse some clueless Jedi boy...

Pick of the Week

To Eternity
The Fico

Starting in KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Canderous and Revan admit their feelings

The piece was fun on many levels. First, of all the men Revan could end up with, Canderous is by far the best. I am sure if you check every male member of the crew he is the one who would accept her as she is, and not be totally heartbroken by being left behind when she has to leave. Second, I like the Mando'a society, at least as created by Karen Traviss and added to by yours truly.

Pick of the Week

Maul's Intervention
Breger

KOTOR AU: Darth Maul is thrown into a vortex, where will he end up?

The idea of Maul ending up back in the KOTOR period is an interesting twist. However, why did he ignore the orders to keep an eye on the two Jedi to run off and practice?


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-07-2013, 10:49 AM   #1342
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Another Shot of Juma
Sandra Evans

Post TSL: With the Exile now in search of Revan, Atton drowns his sorrow.

The piece is a nice introspective study. Atton is trying to fall back into his old ways, but they aren't as satisfying as they had been. We are left with a man who is facing what every Soldier's wife has faced; that while they love you, the mission comes first.

Pick of the week

The Sound of Revenge
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post TSL: Just two normal families...

Remember, reread, edit, rewtie, polish. You forgot to finish sentences several times and have some grammar problems.

The piece is an interesting look at our heroes and their lives after their adventures. The young boy's logic is exactly what you would anticipate from an eight year old, and Atton is the type of father that is either condescending, or overly spoiling. His wanting to trade his daughter for the Onasi's son is also what you would anticipate, since the girl doesn't enjoy the same things her father does.

Dreams, Stars, Nightmares
StatlerWaldorf

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: The Exile makes her decision, even knowing the consequences

Remember to sight edit. You left out the word “A” before commotion for example. No biggie, when I am writing a story in flow of consciousness mode, I misspell and leave out words galore. I just remember to reread to catch it.

It is an interesting take on the Exile, obsessing on a class she had failed, and a teacher gently finding a way past the block. The idea that the Order is going to Exile every Jedi that survives to return from the wars a bit over the top, though religious orders do tend to overreact to challenges to their authority.

Pick of the Week

Brown Eyed Girl
Bmjewell

Four and a half years post KOTOR: Revan returns, with a surprise

The piece is almost a storybook ending. The only problem I had is this would make the girl about three, and most three year olds are not that coherent (Comes from being third of eight kids when I was still at home) But beyond that very enjoyable.

As for age, Carth is supposed to be in his early to mid 30s in KOTOR. So having him be 42 isn't that big a stretch.

Pick of the Week

Teach a Man to Fish
Lyrik Proz

Several years Post KOTOR: Kev, our friend from the Whimpering Locker tries to adjust

The piece is a good follow-up to No Food for Fishies. I didn't need a description of their location to know it wasn't Manaan; after all, only a lunatic would have wanted to stay on that planet after what he had gone through. His self-deprecation is normal, yet he's standing near water, and actually helping someone else to catch a fish rather than running screaming.

Spare Parts, Chemicals, and Components
Sh1 n0 m1k0

A series of TSL Vignettes: A dark side Exile finally completes Mical's damnation

I have never played TSL from the Darkside version, primarily, because what I did was choose what I considered the 'right' answer, which meant every Exile went from mediocre to super good without even trying. Of course this means that all of your team also make that ascent. This is an interesting take on Mical because as he is being dragged along with her into the pit, he is regretting her actions, not his own.

Four chapters long. Well worth the read

Second Series of KOTOR One Shots
SnowMiser1825

Ten years Post-KOTOR on Dantooine: The long wait is finally over, but it is not a happy ending.

The first chapter is kind of sad, because there is no middle ground. Revan has fallen again, but part of her still wants Carth's love. But since she can't have him in the light, it is the only option her training gives her.

Mine
Postal

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A new look for Bastila

The piece is a bit funny because first you picture Bastila, then picture her not three sheets to the wind, but maybe two with the hands raising the third. She's at that pleasant 'I'm not drunk' stage that makes her easier to talk to. Unfortunately, I can see her as a weeping drunk with a little more...

Pick of the Week

The Phantom Brick
LegoMink

Phantom Menace Ala Legos: The Jedi finally escape

The humor was there, but it was forced in some cases. The argument between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon as the droids just stood there waiting to be killed was highly amusing, especially their finally destroying the droids because they had an appointment with death...

Something About Us
Oh-Great-Sarcastic-One

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Sometime you can say it in a song

The piece is fun to read, and there are five chapters to go. Using a song is well enough, and everyone has that one song that describes them inside, so that is acceptable.

My only problem is from when Atton wakes up to the end. After all, the cockpit of the Hawk is not that big, so there isn't a lot of 'heading toward' someone space as it were.

Wrath of the Diston
cr1ticalbl0w

During the battle of Geonosis: A fire team gets caught in battle

The piece is far too short to get a good feeling about style. There are technical flaws, one with the writer, but the other the premise he is using.

Technical, Injury: You have the Clone who got shot aboard the gunship act as if nothing had happened. The first time under fire, even a trained soldier would do more than look and signal it's nothing. Flexing the arm to assure movement, even flinching. This scene would make sense with a droid, but not with a human being, and even if mass produced, clones are still human.

Technical, Squad: In the Galaxies and battle front games, they use a three man squad, why I don't know, since a squad is about twelve men at full strength in the modern army; about a full load for a single gunship. What you have here in reality is a squad breaking into fire teams, which are between two and three men each. Also a squad is not a command billet for a 1st lieutenant, it is what a sergeant would command. This is not to say the lieutenant could not be landing with that specific squad, just that he would be commanding a 44 man platoon.

Diaspora
Pheeee

Pre TSL: The adventure begins, just not what you would anticipate

Remember conversation breaks. At least they were separated by some actions occuring, but it can be confusing to the reader if they're not sure who is talking.

Technical note, her 'ship': Unless your version of the Republic is more like the old SS or KGB, you're not going to literally kidnap someone, yet that is exactly what we see. Without a warrant for arrest or a request for the person to accompany the authorities, the end of chapter one is illegal. In my own Return From Exile (Over at Lucasforums' Coruscant Entertainment Center) I had Republic Intelligence send to men to 'ask' her to go with them, not a group that literally drugs her and drags her aboard. Also, someone who had been through four years of war would not have been this clueless.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-07-2013, 08:11 PM   #1343
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Old 06-07-2013, 09:41 PM   #1344
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'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-15-2013, 12:45 AM   #1345
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Attack of the Minifigs
LegoMink

Sequel to The Phantom Brick: A Lego beginning for Attack of the Clones...

The piece was a lot funnier than the first one. Having Anakin upset because a droid rather than an insect woke Padme, punching a guy to steal his aircar to pursue, Obi Wan using a golf club and driving Anakin onto the enemy car. And the ending of chapter one, priceless!

Pick of the Week

The Last Sith
Lord Darth Master

Post TSL on Malachor V: Revan returns in time to stop the Exile

The piece is well done, with only one minor quibble.

The idea that the spirits of the Sith triad are still hanging around waiting for the end of this battle was good, but the idea that Sion is going to stay merely to torment the Exile's sould for all eternity a bit too Judeo-Christian for me.

Forbidden
Bmjewell

TSL on Dantooine: Sometimes the forbidden must be explored.

The piece was well done, and while Mical wasn't in character, he was lovingly portrayed. While I have never liked him, in fact used the option of having Handmaiden replace him, the only time I have ever complained about Mical was actually a few years ago when someone portrayed him as a pedophile.

My primary complaint is Azkul's actions during the fight scene. Yes, I could see him raping her, or merely killing her out of hand. But not taking time in the middle of a mission to do so.

Technical note, Mercenaries: Remember that most people have to quote Machiavelli to condemn mercenaries, which when you think of it, is the pot calling the kettle black. The Italian hated them not because they were inefficient, but because they had a bad habit of staying true to the paymaster, not the guy who wants to run things. I wrote an article explaining them back in 2009 at LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > Mercsand Pirates and Brigands where I went through their work in history you should read.

Pick of the Week

Sith of the Old Republic Darth Bandon
Nixi-ixin

Minor Quibble, Yoda is not alive yet. So this is Master Vandar, who does not Yoda-speak.

During KOTOR: Darth Bandon reminisces about how he came to be where he is

The piece has an uncompleted feel to it, though it was rather well written. But I have some minor problems with it. First, why didn't he report his Master, and how was that man able to lie convincingly to the Council?

It doesn't make sense for them to complain if the work he is reading is in their own archives. The master's comment makes sense, because I am willing to bet real money that if there is a comprehensive archive of works of demonology and witchcraft here on Earth, it would be inside the archives of the Catholic church for that very reason and restricted, just as you have the section at Hogwarts of such books.

Technical note: You have the Jedi a little too quick to exile someone. This would be the equivalent of finding out a parish priest had read the book the Exorcist, and excommunicating him. If Harry Potter (To use the analogy above) had been caught in the restricted section in the Sorceror's Stone, they would not have expelled him, they would have found a lesser punishment instead.

After all fifty years earlier Tom Riddle had found out about Horcruxes (Which I would define as Dark Magic)in that same library. Using the method you mention, the entire Defense Against the Dark Arts class would be cut because to learn how to defend against something, you have to know what you are defending against. Through the entire Harry Potter series, the one DatDA class I enjoyed most was when Alastor Moody taught them about the Unforgivable Curses. In fact in the book, Moody taught Harry how to resist the Imperious Curse by using it on the boy.

If you have read the Wiki, Aurors (Trained to capture or kill Dark Magic users) were allowed to use them to interrogate prisoners.

The restricted sections of such a library are not to stop the students from learning, they are designed to assure that the people who do read them are vetted to allow it.

Kotor: left hand of darkness
Zen crescent

Post-KOTOR, no location given: Carth has to deal with why Revan left, and her holo-letter could explain it.

It is had not has experienced, diary, not dairy.

As a first fan fic, this is very good.

Unfortunately, I only had time to read the first chapter. That prologue merely whetted my appetite. The idea that she would want to explain makes sense.

Pick of the Week

The Casino at the edge of the Galaxy
R-I-C-A-R-D

TSL on Malachor V: What has Revan been doing?

You have the phrase 'do you have' reversed. 'HK and Canderous both pull(ed) blasters'.

Corrections aside, it was a riot! Revan leaving just to get away from all of the entanglements, the Exile playing Pazaak while drunk and losing the ship! Could it get any better?

Pick of the Week

The rise of Delvon Izareon
Darth Void

No era given: A young Jedi is being sent on a mission

You use reliving when I think you meant relieving, since it it the opposite of frightening. You also used vowel instead of vows. In the sentence 'I can hold any emotional or facial expression with little ease' I think you meant little effort, like a politician's smile needs little effort even when he is thinking of something else. However, a lamprey has a circular mouth lined with teeth to hold, so the statement falls apart.

Technical note, Albinism: Most albinos (And they come in all races) have white hair and red eyes. What you described is more like an ash or 'platinum' blond.

Technical note, crossbreeding: Why would the Sith bother to save the DNA of a race they themselves had destroyed? As to the mechanics, unless they were pre-space flight, samples could have been gathered from members who were off the planet, and if they were primitive, even by gatheirng some of them before the destruction.

The story is short, barely 1100 words in two short chapters. It is also unfinished. I would wonder why they would go to a planet that has been destroyed.

Prestige
HellsxFirexBunny

Pre-KOTOR: Yuthura as a young hopeful

Remember to reread and edit. You left the 'o' off only, It's calm and collected, and damaged, not damanged, and devices, not deceives, which is where I stopped noting such errors. Don't worry too much about it except for correcting them; when I get into my writing I do as much if not worse.

Remember conversation breaks. It confuses the reader if you have more than one person talking in the same sentence and paragraph.

Thanks to many spelling errors, the piece is confusing. The scene where she eavesdrops on the three girls didn't scan because I honestly cannot see the Sith allowing such (To them) useless discourses. The scene of battle with the grenade didn't scan either, because the first thing a soldier would know is that all grenades, even smoke of incindiery, have delay fuses. So relaxing when it doesn't explode on impact is foolish.

The author wrote this right before the account was closed, at around seventeen. I wonder if she improved afterward?

BreakFix
Mshcherbatskaya

Pre-TSL: Jaq Rand works on a subject, but who is working on whom?

The piece is a very interesting psychological study of a torturer and his subject. While there is no record that I know of, I am willing to bet even the Romans used the old 'good' cop 'bad' cop routine.

The only negative is the sensless brutality shown by the others. Having the doctors refusing to treat injuries, other interrogators deciding to have a little fun rather than doing their jobs is counterproductive. As Jaq himself commented, orders were to turn, not terminate, and while a little of such treatment would aid the process, having someone put the prisoner's life in danger unnecessarily is stupid, because someone will pay.

The rambling conversation was good because it is something you might expect from the 'good guy' perspective. Let the person you are brutalizing think this is the one nice guy in the equation. His complaints against the Jedi, however, seem all too true.

Pick of the Week

Reforging The Blade
Lady Zenoka

Set during the period after ROTS: Sequel to Tempering the Blade. AU, the Dark Lords Revan and Sadow (Anakin Skywalker) finally find their son, Luke. But will he join them, or fight them?

The biggest problem I have is the Star Forge (With Malak still alive, mind) was still in existence 4,000 years in the future. The explanation of how Revan is still alive makes some sense, and having her as the mother of Luke acceptable. But how did Obi Wan succeed in stealing away their children?

Guess you'll have to read the prequel...

Balance of Echoes
Draic Kin

TSL aboard Ravager: The final confrontation between the Exile and Nihilus

The author did some good work. As others have commented, the biggest problem with TSL was the story was too weak, a lot of what you did made little sense in the context.

In my own Return from Exile over at Lucasforums, my Nihilus was a character named Quintain; a lackluster leader whi commanded Ravager due only to family connections, and the one who actually activated the Mass Shadow Generator against orders so he would be the 'hero' of the battle.

The author here though made him the Padawan of the Exile herself, and the interplay between them was well done.

Pick of the week

Rise of the FallenOld Ver
Jarret91

It would be train not kick instead of kicked, and to the training facility, during not druing, smirk not smirked. Remember that a name, such as Ebon Hawk is always capitalized.

Technical note, Invasion: The primary problem I had with the work was that the Sith were able to sneak up on an entire planet. Assuming only the sensor systems used in the modern day, and then also assuming that a warship cannot approach closer than two planetary diameters (Used in A New Hope book by George Lucas as the distance Millennium Falcon arrived at Yavin) you would have detection of the enemy at 24,584 kilometers, less than a tenth of a light second. Hat means the automated systems would warn you in less than two tenths of a second before your automated systems warn you.

However that assumes the rather dumb computers of modern day; they see a possible threat and alert you to that and you take it from there. A heuristic (Learning) computer would not need to go through half of the song and dance. It would automatically do an IFF (Identity, Friend or Foe check) and would in four tenths of a second, know these ships are enemy. So less than one second after the enemy fleet arrives, the alarms go off. So being able to land completely by surprise is impossible.

As an example, the aerial portion of the attack on Pearl Harbor was detected half an hour before the attack began, but humans in the system ignored the warning. Modern systems set to alert humans to a Nuclear attack take less than 3 tenths of a second to detect launches and less than a minute to mark the most likely targets.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 06-21-2013, 10:53 PM   #1346
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Random Turn of Events
RedXLover

Post TS: on Telos: The grand reunion anticipated by the the two men left behind doesn't happen quite that way...

All dialogue, but that itself was amusing. Our Exile sounds like the kid in the car whining about how long it will be before you arrive, Revan comes across as a smart-ass who has all the facts, and a rapier wit to go with them. Such as:

(Exile speaking)"Lux Zorf? Why does that sound so familiar?"

"It should. You slept with him during the war. All the info is on my data pad."

Very amusing, especially the end

Pick of the Week

Revan's Galactic Acquisitions
R-I-C-A-R-D

Post TSL aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Telos: Sequel to The Casino at the edge of the Galaxy, Revan's quiet return might have hit a snag...

The piece took up the ball where the previous work ended, and ran with it. Revan relaxing in a Force Cage of all things. T3 making dire threats from where they left him jammed into the bulkhead to seal the ship's damage, and the Exile still upset because she played Pazaak for the ship and lost. The comment that G0T0 should have been destroyed with Malachor sets up the next scene.

Seven chapters total, a real fun read.

Pick of the Week

Dark Empire: Exodus
KnightOfTheWord

Post TSL in the Unknown Regions: A young Jedi hopeful finds a new apprentice in an unlikely place

The piece is an interesting twist. You have a Jedi Padawan, captured by the secret Sith empire, finding her captor would make a better Jedi than Sith. Sort of like all those 'we'll turn you to the dark side' stories. She has that lever to use because to the Sith of this hidden Empire, the Jedi are a denigrated myth; Force Users that actually help people rather than ruling? Be real!

The Darkness of Love
Shida87

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: While she loves Atton, there is a secret she has yet to reveal...

The piece may be a first fan fic, but it's well worth the read. The idea that she was not sent into Exile because of the war, but rather because she had fallen in love with Revan is an interesting twist.

Pick of the Week

Nar Shaddaa Nightlife
Lord Zeuss

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The Exile and Atton find a way to hide

One minor thing; there are perhaps six way I can think of to kill someone without a drop of blood being spilled. And as much we see Nar Shaddaa as a place where you could see just about everything, I can't see many people ignoring a woman drenched in blood.

The piece is well done as a lot of LZ's work is, and the idea that the main one searching for her is basically asexual in the situation is well done. Having one who has absolutely no interest in these alien women at all rather than one who just can't seem to keep their hands off the women is a refreshing change.

Silence
EnigmaticPseudonym

AOTC right before landing on Geonosis: Why silence is rare to a soldier

The piece has an interesting view, mainly that of a soldier, though the first part suggests a lot more experience than a clone landing for his first battle. Perhaps it is more what he has been told than what he himself has experienced

The Dark Clone
Lord Darth Master

Some years after KOTOR: A female clone of Revan searches for the one person who shares her DNA.

When I read the blurb at the start, I was a bit confused. Why A: make a clone of Revan, and B: why make it a female instead? But I thoroughly enjoyed the scene where she murders her creator, and his purpose when he did. I liked the premise, and the commentary about what she was inside, Sage, warrior, and child rolled into one, and like any child, she wants it now...

Five chapters long, and I honestly wish I had time to read every one.

Pick of the Week

Your to Hold Songfic
FallenAngelLove

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk after the Leviathan Revelation: Revan and Carth try to start again

The piece is primarily the song itself, but the words between, Revan literally saying, 'I want us back to what we were, that I was Revan but no more' is a nice take on the situation. I understand the view from both sides; that Revan is no longer there, but Carth can't let the past go. Something the game just sort of glosses over. In my own work over at Lucasforums, I had Carth looking back at everything the new incarnation of Revan had done that he witnessed to make the same decision, though in mine, they were never lovers.

The Lovers the Brothers and the Sith Part 1
Patti T

Seven months Post-KOTOR: The new love is tainted by the old

Remember to stay in one tense; you fluctuated between present and past tense throughout the work.

The piece is primarily a slice of life. Revan and Carth settling into a relationship, Dustil acting like you would expect a teen to act with Mission's help, and the memories of her first love (Malak) and him dying on the Star Forge before she could save him.

The Price of Vengeance
Castalia Moirae

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk and Leviathan: Vengeance is all consuming. What will Carth pay for his vengeance?

This is like the start of a disaster movie; the 'slice of life' that will descend into hell. Carth is so obsessed (As he is in the game) that he is willing to pay any price... Which leads to the problems after the revelation of who is companion really is.

Some People Change Part I: Taris
Elina Trevisan

KOTOR beginning before Taris: A smuggler is given a second chance

The piece is well written, and carries you along easily. The basic problem I had with KOTOR is that there is really no lead in to what is happening. The hero is merely there aboard the ship with no rhyme nor reason as to how she had gotten there. This story in the first chapter defines the character to be, and gives you a basis for how she ends up on the Endar Spire.

KOTOR III: The Forgotten Ones
Captain Charr

Post TSL: Abandoning the others, the Exile only wishes to be alone.

Considering all that had happened during her adventures, having the Exile merely run away to solitude is a logical option. Too much has been said negatively about what she is and might become to make it seem like the right idea. But like any hero of legend, the Gods, Force, (Or the writer) just won't let them go...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-02-2013, 10:48 AM   #1347
machievelli
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As you all know, the site went down last Friday. I had been here during the morning of that day, and when I came back in that afternoon, it was down so this is running late...

Knights of the Old Republic The Sith Lords
Grey Phantom

TSL From the Beginning: Our heroine struggles to survive

Technical note: It is not warfare programming, it is combat. A mining droid would need simple targeting sensors so that it can aim it's laser, and know where to implant the explosive charges, but only a limited ability to track a moving target with those sensors.

One thing, you do not have to explain every term and give pronunciation. If your readers have played the game, they know how Peragus or Kreia is pronounced. As for terms, if you have ever read the book the Making Of Star Trek, there was a comment that Marshall Dillon doesn't explain how a Colt .45 works; he merely straps the gun on, and that is it.

The author sort of skims the actual dialogue, though a lot of it is actual dialogue from the game. This is both good and bad; by skimming it, you give the characters more life than they had during the game, but sticking to the original makes it sound generic. This is not as much of a black mark as one person I reviewed last year took it; generic merely means you did not put the extra effort into it. A perfect example is the movie Beverly Hills Cop, where you took a generic situation (Cop hunting the killer of his friend) and by using Eddie Murphy, a comedian, you made the main character more than the basic script created.

One thing I did not like was the ending. Soldiers are not mass murderers, they are men put in a life and death situation, and opted to survive at their enemy's expense. To paraphrase Robert Adams from the book Champion of the last Battle, where someone waxes lyrical about the honor of battle (While having shown little or none on their own part) the main Character comments that war is like surgery; that a leader does what has to be done as quickly as he can so that the damage is the least.

Forgiveness
Layana Danare

Several years Post TSL: Will Mira let him back into her life?

The piece is soft and poignant. We didn't need the explanation as to why you chose Mira over the others as the love interest, though killing them off was a bit much.

Revan and the Fuzzball Army
Sailoramber

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: The Galaxy Droid Glitch strikes!

I saw the name, then read the blurb. Then I looked up the Galaxy Droid, which seems to have only happened in the Game Station releases. With some trepidation I began to read...

After finishing the second chapter I had to stop or I'd be late with these reviews. The piece is funny, from her dream of Carth and a bowl of cream (I don't know, ask the author) to Carth first wanting to wear Revan's underwear, then protesting that she is using religious discrimination to stop him from going along; all because he can't throw Force lightning! Not to mention the rapidly multiplying Zaalbars!

Pick of the Week

A Jedi's Heart
CatLoverRuka

The piece is an interesting aside. I don't know if they have a mod to have Revan choose Juhani as a love interest or not (Some research I need to do) but since it will allow Revan to choose Bastila even if it is a female Revan, there might be. In fact the only things I have to ding the story on are as follows:

You used the word loose (As in set free) instead of lose (Misplace). The other is the time involved.

In the SW universe, there is not a lot of time spent on traveling. As an example, Emperor Palpatine is able to arrive at Mustafar from Coruscant within minutes of when Anakin is downed. Yet you are spending a long time (Long enough for everyone to sleep) traveling from the Rakatan homeworld to their own sun. Several light years in minutes, yet a day of more to cover less than 145 million kilometers.

Oh, BTW, there is a Juhani romance option; and it works whichever way you swing...

Pick of the week

Shadows of the Empire: Tour of Duty
Kadorhal

TESB on Hoth: One soldier's view of the battle

The piece started out more like KOTOR with the character asleep as the battle begins. From that point on it was a bit confusing, having him be an infantryman, then suddenly a pilot, then a guide. However humans are not like droids or Clones; you don't automatically have all of the skills of a ground pounder and a combat pilot.

As a writer, you have to remember that every one of us goes through times when we feel no one is paying attention. Don't go by comments; there are so many people that look, read, and say nothing that the only way to judge popularity is the number of hits it receives. As an example one of my stories reached over ten thousand hits, but has only 32 reviews. I have others that have NO reviews and only a few hits.

The End Of All Things
Daemonette19

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: The end of the first adventure begins the next

The piece was interesting though I wasn't sure if the Jedi in the tubes were still alive or not when they shut down the droid brain. The death scene was actually one of the best I have read so far, close enough to the story line but far enough off to make it more interesting.

Having Renee (The Exile) feel the death across the Galaxy even without the Force was a very good touch. The only negative I saw was the idea that a Republic warship was going to let her hitch a ride. After all, as much as I would like to visit Japan or China, I know I can't go over to Nellis and hitch a ride on a MAC flight.

Doors
Sarcasm Turtle

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The Exile and Atton grow closer

The piece starts a bit amusing, and in chapter 2 (As far as I read) it got very serious. The author, albeit unintentionally, highlights the one problem with personal relationships between Jedi, especially between master and Padawan; that you will stop thinking about them as students, and start thinking of them as lovers. That is why the military has rules about not having relationships inside a chain of command.

Star Wars Jedi Hunter
Tihaq Klee

No period given: With the Jedi gone for over four decades, a Jedi Hunter finds evidence they still exist.

Remember to sight edit, you used barley (The grain) instead of barely for example.

The primary problem is there is no character development. We know the main character of chapter two is a hybrid, and one of his companions a Twi-Lek, but little else. The reason for their search is ominous, since they are 'hunters' suggesting that this does not bode well for any Jedi they do encounter, as we see.

Atton Hears His Death
Wicked42

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton gets to hear something really odd.

Being an old fart, I actually had to look up the term 'crack fiction'. I did so after the fact, and that explanation caused me to laugh out loud.

The piece is funny because the characters know they are in a game, and Atton's primary protest is he got a Male Exile instead of a female. The ending is choice because you find it is just the Exile having fun with it.

Pick of the Week

Departure
Ookami no Mibu

10 Years Post Mandalorian Wars: A student goes to find a fallen Jedi

Technical note, timeline: A problem with the time line. You mention that the Mandalorian wars begin in 3999 BBY, but set it in 5964, almost 2,000 years earlier. This would be the equivalent of having King Arthur fight his last battle at Gettysburg Pennsylvania.

Technical note, Jedi Classes: Having played the game through, and having read the actual RPG rulebook from a game-master perspective, I don't see the restrictions you specify as part of them. The Guardian is better trained with weapons, true, but when it comes to Force powers, the primary difference between a Guardian and a Consular is that the second is trained more in the diplomatic areas. That would not limit their ability to meditate.

The style is crisp and fun. Having the emergency airbag deploy after the crash was fun, and her constant frustration with everything from the mission to getting her butt whipped in seconds by the person she is hunting was good.

A first work? Not too shabby.

Pick of the Week

Reunited and Revealed
MasterVash

One year Post KOTOR: The second reunion between Carth and Dustil goes better than the first.

I almost protested because technically, this is the third reunion. Meeting on Korriban, another less fruitful meeting referred to in the work, then this one.

It was interesting in this work, that the devastation of Telos is placed after Revan had been captured rather than before, and this is what calms Dustil down. As for his originally blaming her for that deed, unfortunately, is the way human beings are; if you read up on the first Nuremberg trial, four of the defendants had been charged just because they were senior military officers, and the Judges were claiming they had violated international law by training their men to fight, then leading them; in other words, for doing their jobs (Charges one and two; Conspiracy to wage an Aggressive War, and the actual act.) while only one of them was a member of the Nazi Elite.

Condemning a professional soldier for planning and waging a war the best they can is like complaining that water is wet.

Stay
Rarecase

Mandalorian Wars: Told from the perspective of Morgana, his first departure to the wars.

For a long time after reading it, I flashed back to every war movie I had ever seen, and remembered the farewells said then. I was lucky; I joined the Coast Guard because I didn't feel the Vietnam War was legitimate, yet felt I owed my country a service. So I never went through this. But I felt the pain of every one of those couples and families saying a goodbye that might be a last one.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-06-2013, 11:02 AM   #1348
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The Dirge of Malachor
Victor Craban

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: A fleeing Jedi is caught by the Mass Shadow Generator

The piece went a bit quickly for me, and was disjointed. One of the ideas that has been bandied about by the writers here is that Revan literally sacrifices all of the troops on Malachor. In this instance, one Jedi (Among others who obviously were not notified, or chose to stay) is almost caught by it.

Slipping
Littera

Post KOTOR, no time given: Amida (Revan) struggles with her memories

The piece has a good feel to it. You can picture the woman's mind like a train wreck you can't look away from. Worse yet, you are looking into the car of that train as the sole passenger realizes there is no escape.

Star Wars: The Mandalorian Wars; Episode I
Aeron Ranmark

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A joung Jedi remembers when he is chosen.

The one thing I applaud for the author is the choice of another planet to begin on. Not one of the ones we all know, but a new one, though it has all the earmarks of Tatooine. The inner struggle ends as we anticipated, and the idea that Kreia would not have even bothered to come by if she knew he would reject the offer was well delineated.

Something Amiss
HisLordFluffiness

KOTOR on Tatooine: With Carth hating her, Revan has to let him know how she feels...

The piece is a nice bit that matches the author's name, harsh at the start, but fluffy at the end.

Pick of the Week

Shades of Black
Tuscan Rhase

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The hero makes his get away

Technical note; A patrol is usually not a single person, though one man can be patrolling; like a sentry on duty. Also, a battalion is 5-600 men, not what I would call a squad, which is what was faced by the droid in this work.

The piece doesn't pull punches as to what side of the equation the character is on. He is having too much fun being evil for you to ever consider he's going to be light side.

The Lady and the Lord
RahXephon

Post KOTOR: The new Dark Lord takes the Sith on a different path

Actually, I enjoyed this because the path taken is a logical progression. In my own KOTOR work, (In a section not yet posted) I had the Rakata struck down by a plague created by the Force itself, making their empire collapse. The Revan shown here realizes the same thing; that the Star Forge is too dangerous to be left operational, and must be destroyed.

The operations from his ascension to the end of chapter one are all logical progressions, even to rewriting the codes of both Jedi and Sith into a unified body.

Mind Games
Sou7h

TSL Planet not given: Atton's mind plays cards to hide what he really feels

The confrontation made some sense. But only if you remember that Atton is a gambler at heart. In poker, there is what is called a Tell; something a gambler always does when he has a bad hand, or a good hand. In the martial arts it is called telegraphing, because your body makes a move that tells the enemy you are about to strike, and regardless of how well you train yourself, it is something that can be seen with practice.

What we have here is a confrontation with Atton attempting to find Disciple's 'tell' and failing. We know it is a failure because Atton is still unsure.

New Beginnings
Investigatrix

Through KOTOR to post TS: Canderous looks back as the world changes around him

The piece spans from Pre-KOTOR to the end of TSL, and does it as Canderous reminisces on all that has changed. The only negative I have is that the Mandalorians never regained their honor.

It's the End of The World As We Know It
Trillian4210

TSL on Malachor V: Two abandoned survivors of the climactic battle make their peace

The piece is like all of Trilli4210's work. Nice neat, sweet with just a taste of bitter regret. The two who cling to each other in the end are at peace at last.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Tatooine Invasion
Grand Moff Tarkin

Battlefront II: A Rebel force is ambushed at Tatooine

The stage is the same cantina we remember from ANH. But the battle is disjointed. My main complaint is technical, and addressed below:

Technical note, Military in hiding, modern day: By definition, the Rebels in Star Wars are pretty much a guerrilla organization. To understand what should be happening here, look at the Taliban operating out of Pakistan. The capability is on the side of the large more technical force. The US has satellites, unmanned drones capable of hitting them with guided missiles, and guided bombs that can be dropped from high altitude and still hit their targets. The Taliban survives by remembering that. So hunkering down in a town, no matter how small doesn't work well. If you don't believe me, ask Osama.

Tatooine makes sense as a hideout, but there are thousands of kilometers of desert and arroyos to hide in. The course of Beggar's Canyon comes to mind, caves used in portions of the race in APM would be perfect to hide in.

Also, while the Empire could land a small force to check such a place, they used probe Droids to check out Hoth, because it is A remote, and B unsettled. It would take the Empire weeks to check every possible bolthole on the planet, but your Rebels made it easy by using a town to hide in. A normal settlement has people who live there, and somewhere like Mos Eisley would be watched because there is a spaceport, a place where there are a lot of transients. It would be easy to slip a team, maybe a single ship's crewman that would report if a group of Rebels just arrived.

Once that happens, of course, it could happen as you describe. My question though is why the troops didn't have any sensors up to spot approaching warships.

Kreia'a a what?
Sara1281

TSL on Dantooine: She wouldn't know where to buy a clue if you gave her the money...

The piece caused me to laugh out loud as I read it. The masters lay out what she does step by step, and she is so clueless that you know she has done more damage than they have enumerated. I was just surprised that the planets survived her visit.

I really wanted to read the rest!

Pick of the Week

The Diary of Bastila Shan
Lord Darth Master

KOTOR on Taris: Bastila is not sure how to handle her charge. Can they escape from Taris?

The piece is well written, though it is past not passed. The interplay is interesting because Bastila as a Jedi should understand subterfuge, so having her draw first meant she overreacted. Knowing she doesn't understand the military mindset, it is logical she would be alarmed when Revan is furious with her, and confused because Revan in both lives was a soldier, and knows that rookies make mistakes.

I wish I could read it all the way through.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-12-2013, 11:42 PM   #1349
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Revenge Of the Sith
Amme Moto

Post KOTOR enroute to Nar Shaddaa: Follow on to Attack of the Clones, Connan (Revan) reveals what happened in the future as they go in search of the Exile...

The piece was better than the author wishes to believe. Having two weddings because one 4,000 later in time wouldn't be legal now was a good touch, and it's nice to see that Bastila has begun to mellow.

A pity I can't read it all... I have a weakness for time travel stories, and trying to change the future from her viewpoint is always one of the hardest ones to explain, let alone do.

Pick of the Week

Salvatoris
StatlerWaldorf

One year Post TSL: The Jedi Academy is a shambles, and we find Revan gods alone knows where...

The piece was a bit confusing, especially considering the intro blurb. We have yet to see the Exile or what condition she is in. But the home front is getting far out of hand...

Bastila: Through my Eyes
ikg218

Pre KOTOR: Bastila rereads her diary and remembers her past.

It is an interesting take on the character. There are only a couple of negatives I see.

First, people who write diaries have to wait until the they can write. Oh this could be a verbal one, like a recording instead, that can start as soon as the person can talk coherently, but the style suggests someone writing a narrative (Which you are) and diaries are not written that way.

Second, considering the description of her early family life, you have pretty much taken someone who her later descriptions in conversation with Revan sounded like Indiana Jones, and converted him into a simple 17th century muckraker. While you may take this as harsh criticism, it is not. It's just that the term we use now only started in the early 20th century because it wasn't even a use name in English society. It was applied to people who searched along the gutters for useful items they could sell.

Calling her father a hunter with that provenance, would be like calling a gambler a high roller when he bets only pennies.

Delusions
sweetXwhenXsilent

KOTOR No planet given: Revan gets drunk, and has it out with Bastila

Actually, from the professional view(I've been writing for longer than you've been alive), I see no negatives with this piece, regardless of your comments on how bad you are. The confrontation is pretty basic, and knowing both characters (As they are portrayed in the game) I am surprised it doesn't happen more often.

This reminds me of the Novel Yesterday's Son in the Star Trek Universe, where Spock returns to the past of the episode All of Our Yesterdays to retrieve the son he and Zarabeth shared. The boy(actually young man), raised in that environment is nothing like a Vulcan, and Spock, instead of acting like a father, suddenly becomes the Vulcan teachers he despised as a boy. So much so that the boy in the middle of an argument orders a meal of bloody meat and begins to eat it just to drive the older man away.

Bastila has always been one of the hardest characters to deal with for me playing the game. She is so judgmental and pushy that sometimes in that first game I wanted to bitch slap her.

Sith of the Old Republic: Darth Revan and Malak
Nixi-ixin

KOTOR on the Star Forge: Malak flashes back to when he began his fall

The primary problem I had was that Revan had supposedly never shown her face even to the other Jedi that went off to war. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, as they are the only group she fought alongside who were never going to judge this book by it's cover.

Dialogue
Crimson Riddler

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Looking for love, but the writers didn't add it until much later...

The piece blindsided me. Here we have an Exile with hormones running amuck, and the only dialogue linked to romance is Kreia's commentary on why he shouldn't. None of the ladies aboard have a clue as to what he's talking about, he's losing influence and capability left and right because of his actions, and ends up threatening to slaughter off the writers in a fit of pique.

And like any story where you have wishes, he gets what he wants, but again not yet...

Pick of the Week

Empty
Crimson Riddler

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: When he reaches the final confrontation, there's nothing left.

The piece deals with the aftermath of Revan having to kill Bastila rather than redeeming her. It is well done, tightly focused and gripping. Revan's actions, using the Force only long enough to get close enough to kill his enemy is perfect, and the end what you would expect.

Pick of the Week

Reversal
Crimson Riddler

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: What to do, what to do...

The piece made me chuckle when I saw it. I agree that you wimped out by just having Juhani meditating. If it had been me I would have made it a threesome. That would have fit Revan's last line...

Pick of the Week

It Burns
Crimson Riddler

TSL Inside someone's mind...: Vengeance will come

I hate to admit it, CR, but after reading it, then going through the character list for TSL, I don't have a clue as to who (Beyond the thought of the Handmaiden, after all we know [or at least I think I know] who her father is).

That said, the piece is a tightly focused look into a mind coming apart. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic III: The End
What Contented Men Desire

Post KOTOR five years: Revan returns

The piece had one unique twist; that Revan's final message was not 'come and find me' but rather, 'stay and fix the problems for when I return'. The fight was also unique, in that in my own Return From Exile (TSL novelization) I describe a martial arts master doing what is called 'walking the house'.

For those who don't understand the term, it is used when a visiting martial artist wishes to speak with the master. If you are not a martial artist, the students will help only a little; asking someone senior to them for permission to take you further. But if you are yourself a practitioner, you must defeat those who feel they are good enough to stand in your way, working yourself through the ranks until you must confront the master himself.

Unless you are a devotee of such movies, you don't see it that often. If you want to see it (Though it is done in a comedy form) Watch the confrontation in the Dojo shown in Rush Hour II.

After this beginning, I really wanted to read further.

Pick of the Week

A Council's Apathy
Bronzeraven

Pre KOTOR before the Jedi entered the Mandalorian Wars: Malak waits through Revan's last confrontation with the Council

The piece has only two new points, that the meeting is one of five before they depart, and that Revan and Malak had already been lovers before their departure.

Finding You
Lillwyn

Two years post TSL: After escaping from captivity, the Exile must now arrange Revan's rescue.

The only glaring problem is that I don't know if Carth's reaction is just a holdover from his old paranoia or not.

Technical: Airworthy implies a standard aircraft, rather than a spacecraft. The correct term would be spaceworthy.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-20-2013, 09:06 PM   #1350
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A lightning strike appears to have fried our wi fi system at the apartments, so I walked over to the library. Will hopefully be back up by Monday afternoon


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-23-2013, 09:11 PM   #1351
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Alternate Chapter 21 of Reforging the Blade
Lady Zenoka

Alternate scene in an AU during time of ROTJ: The Dark version of Luke finds more than his sister on Tatooine...

The piece is an interesting, but not surprising twist. Up until the time when Obi Wan told Luke that he had a sister in ROTJ, you had that sexual tension between them. Actually when I later saw the movie Soapdish, where an actress finally tells the father and daughter of their relationship, I was reminded of Kevin Kline's 'oh my god, we almost had a Greek tragedy!' line.

What was unique was the idea that you could use sexual tension and physical force to draw someone to the Dark Side. The scene was like any forcewd sexual encounter short of rape; the woman finally giving in as the man merely pushes further. Using that as he slaughters all of the members of Jabba's entourage, making her assist toward the end was a very nice touch.

Pick of the Week

Use the Caffeine
Emery Board

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: We're out of coffee!!

Being a man who has drunk a pot of coffee a day for most of his life, I could see the problem even before anyone told Revan. I could picture the caffeine starved Jedi slaughtering the entire crew in retaliation, and the comment about Bastila being 'Jedi Most Likely to Be Killed by Some Annoyed Sod, Whom We Will Give a Medal'. Was just the trigger I needed to roar with laughter!

Pick of the Week

Jealousy
MasterVash

Post KOTOR: One character wants what he cannot have...

The piece actually uses a negative emotion as a goad to realize how the character had lied to himself. The idea that he still respected, admired, and loved the individual, and his primary pain is that he did not share the same moments he now sees.

Pick of the Week

Forest Of Lies
Lord Zeuss

KOTOR on Kashyyk: When push comes to shove...

There is a simple comment in studying magic that limits what you can do if you're going to do a work; if you have to rationalize your cause, don't do it. The main character has definitely gone off the track here, because he is rationalizing why he has given his instructions, and is using expediency as his reasoning.

Technical note; Regardless of why the ship landed on Kashyyk, there is no logical reason as to why Czerka impounded his vessel. Let's look at it this way; Say it is the mid 17th century; The harbor master of Savannah finds out that a Spanish merchant ship has arrived, but there was no record that they would be arriving, so he immediately impounds the vessel.

It becomes even more confusing when you think that the Ebon Hawk is a light freighter, the equivalent of a privately owned ship, and 'tramps' as they are called have destinations determined not by schedule, but by cargo. You happen to pick up say copra from New Guinea, and you go not to the nearest port, but to the one where you can sell it for the best price. That could be anywhere within a thousand kilometers of where you picked it up. So impounding the ship when it reached Darwin, Australia would only make sense if the ship itself has a record of smuggling, and even then, it would be more that the port authorities would search her for contraband rather than impounding her.

The reason I used this example is simple; back then, there was no listing of ships that would arrive and when, because the fastest means of sending that information was usually the ship itself. So an unannounced arrival would merely mean that no one on the other end thought it was important enough to report, or perhaps is sending that information with the ship itself. The only time it would be alarming is if the ship is a foreign warship.

As much as the movies and games give you the idea of a massive tightly knit transportation system, on a galactic scale, it would probably never exist merely because of the distances involved. Even now, if a ship leaves say Yokohama harbor carrying cars from there to San Francisco, there is only an estimate of when that ship is to arrive, not a firm arrival time.

Also, impounding a vessel is a legal act. Under International law, a government can do a customs search of any vessel that arrives, but the officials cannot impound her unless she has violated the law. There is a lot of screaming in Panama right now because a North Korean ship was carrying illicit cargo, and was seized. As much as the NKs are whining that nothing was done illegally, I wonder how cargo containers filled with military supplies placed under a cargo of bagged sugar is not an attempt to conceal that it was aboard.

The Last Night
DarthShak

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A bittersweet parting

The idea that Kavar and the woman that would become the Exile had a personal relationship is not new, whether you have her be his Padawan or lovers is incidental. The parting is poignant and they spend it as you would expect them to.

It does explain why Kavar, of all of the Council members, seemed to regret their later actions the most.

An Ending and a Beginning
Charis77

TSL on Malachor: The other members of the crew rush to save their leader. But end up prisoners

Having never seen most of the cut scenes, it surprised me that there was a way for Atton to win his duel with Sion. In my own work, everyone left together and were peeled away like an onion until only the Exile remained.

The battle was a bit confused, having you say that Mical had died, yet was still screaming later.

It is Written in The Stars
OrchidLurver

Post KOTOR: Once the threat had been dealt with, Revan now gives her last orders to her companions.

I believe the author is French Canadian because of some of the wording and misspellings.

Technical note; The Republic is a governmental body, so no one orders them; they would give the orders.

Technical note, Military; There is no logical reason for all of the fleet to head for Telos, unless it is merely as a port between where they are at present, and where they were assigned. As an example, when WWII ended, some ships were assigned to ports in now occupied Europe, others to occupied ports in most of Oceania, the rest sent to ports between the war zone and home ports. So every ship in say the Pacific did not end up in a Japanese Port or Pearl Harbor, they went to where they were needed.

The biggest problem I had with the work was that while she had brought them all together, she had left out the one person most likely to complain about that; Carth. I know she would expect him to complain about being left behind, but to not even have her give him the courtesy she is showing everyone else?

The Rise of Syn Anderson
Arrianos

Unspecified time Post TSL: The end of a master, but it is only the beginning...

I was reminded of some books I had read and movies I have seen where you see the ending at the start, then jump back to witness what happened before. I don't have time to read everything to date of this work, so what I am saying now only refers to that first chapter.

The scene is a bit confusing; why is the 'great leader' (As he seems to think he is considering the monument he built to himself in his palace) slaughtering his own council? How did the Jedi that confronted him get to the chamber, since if the Sith are in control of the system, they would be watching for infiltrators?

The young Jedi's reaction on finding that the apprentice had killed his master made sense, but the retreat and his 'oh, it's all over so we can start anew' reaction made no sense.

I would suggest watching the Movie Valkyrie, where Von Stauffenberg immediately jumps into the purge of the Nazi high command. If anyone were left in the high command that could have taken over (Goering comes to mind) you wouldn't have left him uncaptured. The only mistake he and his fellow conspirators made then was not making sure Hitler was dead.

The Chosen Fool
SeaBreeze

TSL on an unnamed planet: Kreia examines the Exile's relationship with Atton

This is a unique piece in that we're seeing Kreia's dispassionate view of her student. She sees Atton as the part of a diamond that has to be cut away to make what the jeweler wants, rather than as a separate person. Her decision, allowing him to continue his attempts rather than hinder them, at the moment, as the best choice.

A Mandalorian Holiday
Atoz

TSL on Dxun: It's a Mandalorian Holiday?

This is one work I wish I had a chance to read all the way through. I tend to be negative about Earth holidays translated into SW ones; if you aren't sure as to why, read Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center> Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 where I go through some of the more popular ones in the Western World.

This one however has a few flaws;

Technical note, No women?: In the Canon books since Attack of the Clones we see the Mandalorians still exist, but during that conflict, they had become almost a caricature of modern Japan. Thanks to the US, we rammed the Constitution they have now down their throats, and Article 9 of that document denies them a military. That is why in the mid-50, when they did create one, they had to call it a Self Defense Force to even get funding.

Afterward, the Mandalorians seem to have gone back to what they once were, mercenaries and some of the best combat troops in the Galaxy. But Karen Traviss, the one who wrote most of them has women fighting alongside their men, and sees no difference between them as to who fights and commands.

My interest in the holiday here was sparked by the name, because that itself is from Earth. But do any of you know where that name came from?

BlueGray and Silver
Callalili

TSL on Onderon: All she needed was to replace what was lost

The piece focuses on just one thing, what kind of same did she once have? When she creates a new one, it isn't right, but when she has a new pair, it is perfect. The author does the one thing that most others ignore. What does it feel like to touch the force? Here with two sabers, it is likened to dancing to music.

HK47 in Love
Kusco

KOTOR On Korriban: Looking for love in all the wrong places...

The piece snuck up on me, because I didn't anticipate the end. Picture any love story that ends badly because of indiscretion on one of their parts, then translate it into mechanical terms (And no, not that, or at least not specifically) and you get this story.

A lot of fun!

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 07-27-2013, 10:49 AM   #1352
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Squadron Legacy: Chapter 10
Sithspector

During the Mandalorian Wars: While still evading capture, our hero has renewed hope

The piece is flow well, SS. The situation is grim, and a lot of pilots since Vietnam have been in the same situation; knowing they can be rescued even as they watch the enemy at very close range. The primary problem those men had was that unlike those before that war, technology was a lot more primitive, so they would never know until the boat arrived or they actually saw the plane they would be rescued by.

When He Remembered
Kusco

One Year Post KOTOR: With Carth about to be married, one guest is not there

The primary problem I had with the piece was it was like coming into the middle of a movie. I did not know who the bride or her father were. Then there was the mention of Jaq Rand.

Technical Note: Remembering one man out of the millions that served during the wars that had passed would be hard without an almost photographic memory. I doubt Robert E Lee at Gettysburg knew more than perhaps 4,000 of his own troops there by name, and that means only one in fifteen. Back then, he would have remembered them for three reasons; they were officers, they had been mentioned in dispatches (Which up until WWI had been a separate medal) or had done something he could see, or if they were from his own state of Virginia.

It was cute having Mission be the pilot of the ship, and having he land it like Atton tended to land was fun. In my own Return From Exile, he almost always crashed the ship.

Dralshy'a
Shadow Rise

KOTOR Two Days after Leviathan: Only one person aboard can get her back on her feet

I have always loved a good Mandalorian Story, and this qualifies on all counts. I have always hated war movies where the enemy are always just this side of being SS wannabees, because to quote Shakespeare in Henry V's reply to Williams' condemnation, 'there is no king, be his cause never so spotless, if it come to
the arbitrement of swords, can try it out with all unspotted soldiers'.

Very, very good.

Pick of the Week

Opening Doors
Dorvalla

No specific era mentioned, though the game is Sabacc rather than Pazaak: Just another day at the office for a bounty hunter

The only thing I was curious about was how much the hunter was making here. He had to make three kills along with his target because of the instructions. It's sort of like the Artichoke joke, where the hit man Artie, who is known for choking his victims, kills the target, then during his exit has to choke two more, which gives you the punch line and headline; Artichokes, three for a dollar...

The Magnificent Mr. Rakata!
Elwin Ransom

KOTOR on Korriban: They said not to open the box, dummy!

The piece was amusing. It is a blend of the gameplay and the events in it, so that in the middle of a climatic struggle, rescue comes by loading the last save. Having Bastila floating around the ship in imitation of G0T0 was funny, and having her in love with the monumental Dork was amusing, as was her calling him Revan before he had this revealed later, and using the 'oh look' strategy just high pointed his ignorance.

But considering how brain dead the character is, I can see him calling Bastila and having him repeat the same mistake

This is one of the rare stories that plays for the humor in it. The scene used was actually one I liked the least, because unless you touch the box, it's just a cargo you take to Anchorhead. When I reached this point in my own KOTOR novel Genesis of a Jedi, I had found a use for it.

What, you may ask? Read my own work...

Pick of the Week

Honor in War
Sinestro

Post TSL on Citadel Station: The Dark Exile begins to plot his proposed conquest of the Republic

The most interesting part to me was the difference in the predictions made by Kreia about the Mandalorians. Could anyone verify that?

Technical, Game Mechanics: Unlike KOTOR, the mechanics of the game has the party advancing down the same path as the leader. I.E., if your Exile is light side, all of the characters also gain light side points, and the same I assume applies if you go Dark Side. Having never played as a Dark Side player, I was confused. That should mean that the two party members murdered at the end of the first chapter should have still been playing follow the leader.

An intriguing chapter to a five chapter work. I wish I could read on.

Safe Journey, Friend
Tw1st

TSL on Citadel Station: Canderous checks just to see if Carth still cares...

The piece was hastily written, and it shows. There are a lot of sentences that make little or no sense due to word usage. Having lights 'elope' for example. Then when Carth is throwing pocket change, you didn't mention denominations. Was he throwing the equivalent of quarters, then scaling up to old fashioned dollar coins? Old ten and twenty dollar gold pieces?

The scene is a bit like any person left ashore when their partner sails away. The interesting point is primarily that Canderous is just making sure Carth still misses her.

Star Wars: Determination
Toranih

3000 years ABY: A smuggler is pursued by a young girl demanding answers

The intro is too short to get a real feel for the story, but it intrigued me. The piece suggests that a lot of the ills the New Republic faced; slavery and spice trading are no more, but along with that no Jedi to track them down. Since trade in illegal products is endemic in human society, and has been since the first organized societies over about a thousand, I am wondering what has changed human nature. As for slavery, even in our enlightened times, there are an estimated 25 million slaves around the world. Why are ideas now the illegal stock in trade?

Things Unsaid, Empty Beds, and Bad Behavior
Darth Avery

TSL on Dantooine: The Exile takes the burden of all that has happened as her own fault

The piece needed some polishing, but it is a well done piece, if a bit generic. The situation is grim, and I am reminded of an episode from the first season of the Anime the Slayers. The main character says, basically, 'if you go into a battle knowing you're going to lose, you will'.

Catch Me When I Fall
Jowx97

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Two young people see their future. Only it isn't what will really happen

The piece is a nice bit of fluff, and the two young people, as youngsters will, believe they have the world by the tail It sort of reminds me of the two versions of a Christmas Carol, the 1951 Scrooge, and the musical of the same name. In both instances, the main character believes love will conquer all, then loses that love by turning away from it.

In Five Hundred Words or Less
Adylinj

Pre Mandalorian Wars: How hard is it to explain?

The problem with an essay question is you don't have a lot of words to use, usually. As you see here, the Exile uses very few; try four. The explanations as to his reasoning makes sense, and like any essay, there is a lot to say that was not used. His arguments as to his reasoning is clear and intelligent.

But I would have given him a C minus instead...

I am nothing
Bardock92

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: As he sinks into death, Malak examines his action

The piece is a basic generic ending to the scene, just mental instead of verbal.

Why Revan REALLY Decided to Conquer the Republic
Random Cheese

KOTOR on Dxun: Only if the observer wrote his memoirs...

The piece was kinda cute. The 'oh so great Jedi leader and General' getting trapped in a dung pit, the 'Mandalorian' they beat up on actually being a Republic agent on patrol, and her (Revan) deciding to go to the Sith mainly because she wants to get rid of everyone making fun of her. Now all you need to do is teach the Malraas to talk so it could dictate the event, and it would be perfect.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-03-2013, 09:30 AM   #1353
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SQA KOTOR Edition: Bastila
Kawe n' Wessie

KOTOR on Star Forge: Revan channels Santana

The piece was getting weird at the start with the Force Hair Gel. Having Evil Ways programmed into the Star Forge made me wonder; exactly how many women did he think he'd have to fight here?

Form-VIII
Daicecreaman

No Era Given: A Jedi Master falls to the Dark Side

The piece is short and really too confusing to get a good feel to. One problem I saw was you're making the Jedi in question too powerful. I can see damaging the escaping ship, but stopping the blast of a thermal detonator? That doesn't scan.

Oi! Offworlder!
White Wolf Zita

KOTOR on Manaan: A mercenary finds something to interest her. Unfortunately, it's our heroes.

The first chapter had me wondering what was happening. Having written drunken or slow characters before, I could follow her mental processes; and how someone in that condition can fixate on things. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to read the second chapter.

One Last Time
Bronzeraven

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan tries one last time to convince the council

The piece had a foregone conclusion feel to it. Revan is sure they will deny the request, and has stopped listening even before the interview had begun. On the other hand the Masters are unwilling to give further information.

The whole problem with the situation as I have said in my own stories, is that the other threat is too vague, and just saying it exists, is like saying 'because' to a child. No answer at all.

Sequence of Events
Shin Yuy

During aftermath of the Yuuzhan Vong War: A young potential Jedi finally reaches the Maw

The primary problems I had was the time line, the entire 'undercover existence', and the one battle scene shown.

As for the time line, why did it take three years to get to where she was going? If this were a Star Wars movie, it would take almost no time to get from Tatooine, where she began (Inference from dialogue) to Kessel.

Who is she hiding from? If she's bound for the Jedi Sanctuary started during the Yuuzhan Vong War by Lando Calrissian, who would be trying to stop her? Why does she need a cover so convoluted?

Last, the attempted hijacking didn't flow well; the 'pirates' were too confused in their actions. For example, let's picture a drug deal between two rival gangs where a third party is interfering. You don't send your entire crew to the meet since you may have to escape. So the crew should be divided. This means of the six you mention, there should be one or two out of position and having to run toward safety. The rest of the crew should already be ready to protect the ship, and lay down covering fire.

On the opposite side, you would have some of the thirteen pirates at the same meet, the others should have already been in position to either take down the ship, or at least disable it. Yet they were so incompetent that the ones who went to the meet were able to escape them, and only now thought of their prey escaping.

SQA KOTOR Edition: Revan
Kawe n' Wessie

KOTOR After the Leviathan Revelation: Revan tries to find a way to heal the rift with Carth

Oddly enough the authors picked one song of the band Evanescence I have not heard. But the poignant thought comes through.

Romance and Exile? Which is worse?
DaringFlame

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young girl begins her training as a Jedi

The piece is far too short to give us more than a taste of the author's skills. Only a bit over 600 words, about two and a half pages. Yet there is skill there.

Care to show us a bit more?

SQA KOTOR Edition: Atton Rand
Kawe n' Wessie

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: So she got a bit distracted...

The piece snuck up on me. The third of the reviews of this author team, and while the first had me confused, the second sad, but this one cracked me up.

I knew what was going to happen before it did, though the first, the recording, was so obvious it hurt. As for the life support system going down because she stopped in the middle, again, you kinda expected it.

The moral of the story, don't give Atton a song cue and Speedo, and never assign someone who doesn't know how, to fix the ship.

Pick of the Week

How Far
flooj9235

Pre KOTOR facing Revan: Bastila is finally willing to admit her feelings. Now she has to get him off the ship alive

The piece jumped from present to past so often I almost got whiplash, but it worked, and worked well. The brief looks at what was happening before her interspersed with her memories of the man she knew then wove a tight little work.

The only problem I had was simple. We know that Malak fell and fell hard to the Dark Side, but the author suggests by inference, that Revan might not have even left to fight without his presence.

Pick of the Week

When He Lost
flooj9235

Alternate Ending: When Revan dies facing Malak, Bastila grieves

The piece is something we don't see every day here; where as Ard in Heavy Metal proclaims 'she dies, you die, everyone dies'. The ending is what you would anticipate, since Malak hadn't yet realized that Bastila had betrayed him. And the ending was poignant.

One problem; it should be the Republic Navy, not the army...

Pick of the Week

Wounds
Moonmythology

Pre Mandalorian Wars: She didn't expect her trial to be against Revan

The piece was up to the high standards I expect of the author, the only complaint I had was that it was too short.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR: Memories
Daven Thrar

AU KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The hero has odd dreams, and odd powers...

The piece flowed well, but I really couldn't feel anything for the main character. He was too abrasive to everyone around him. In my own Genesis of a Jedi, I had my own character treat Trask in just as abrupt a manner, but didn't sink to physical violence with him, though having him punch the guy for doing something stupid did come to mind.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-10-2013, 08:52 AM   #1354
machievelli
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KOTOR I: A Scoundrel's Tale
Tw1st

KOTOR on Taris: Finally they are working together

One minor problem; using the wrong words sometimes (Patient instead of patience, that kind of thing) but nothing that sight editing wouldn't cure. When I am going well, I have the same problem.

Compared to most first sections of KOTOR, this is good because Carth and True (Revan) have been at it for a week, and it's the first time they have actually communicated. The are as abrasive as sandpaper together, right down to both being mistrustful.

There are lines worth remembering, Mission being wetter than a bantha in a washing machine, or my favorite about common sense; 'These rules, however, were presently locked away in both True and Carth's minds. Locked away, it might be added, in a room, in a cellar, in an unused lavatory, with a sign on the door that reads "Beware of man-eating Gizka". So, in other words, these common sense rules were not anywhere close to being recovered'.

Only read the first chapter. Wish I could have read the others.

Final Memory
Flooj9235

Post KOTOR in the Unknown: As she lays dying, Revan remembers that last perfect moment

The title says it all, except for this:

Excellent!

Pick of the Week

Departure
Flooj9235

Post KOTOR:A bitter parting

The piece like the one above, is a poignant slice of life. The parting is bitter because Bastila knows she will never see him again.

Pick of the Week

Everything is Perfect
Flooj9235

KOTOR on Dantooine: With Dane (Revan) injured, Bastila has time to admit what she is feeling

The piece like the two above was a nice neat slice of emotional life.

Letting Go
Lilliwyn

Post KOTOR: A tearful parting

The piece is an interesting twist in that there is a conversation with Carth about her leaving before it happens. However the scene felt flat to me because I can't see either one having this much self control under these conditions. In my own Return from Exile, my version of Revan left a message to her love begging them not to follow.

The Fate of the Wandering
Twinklet26

Post KOTOR: Revan says a mental goodbye to her friends

The piece is interesting, having her leave from Deralia is an interesting, but incidental touch. Having her remember Malachor V as a starting point is also a nice touch.

But it doesn't explain how the Ebon Hawk (Which was left)was found later with the Exile and Kreia aboard, along with the droids she left behind.

32 chapter long... and no time to read it all! Damn!

Pick of the Week

Telos Afire
Layana Danare

Pre KOTOR: The assault on Telos seen through Dustil's eyes

The piece, like any disaster movie, starts with the calm before all hell breaks loose. There are technical flaws, but I will address them below.

Technical, Bombardment: The primary point were it went wrong for me was having the Sith drop low enough that their design could be readily identifiable from someone on the ground. To use a modern example, with the advent of the more modern anti-radiation missiles (Used to kill radars that can direct missiles) the high level bombing tactic used during WWII and Korea is again feasible. But when a B52 or B1 comes over at 70,000 feet (23,000 meters) all you see from the ground is the contrail from their engines. A spacecraft would not have to come that close, and while an 'Axehead' frigate is large, and the Interdictor cruiser even larger, at that distance (they are larger than a Nimitz class Carrier) while visible to the naked eye, they are just a black blot on the horizon. Having seen them from the lookout post when I was in the Coast Guard, they are visible, but is recognizable only with binoculars.

Besides, they do not need to get that up close and personal with the target, if you use just KEW (Kinetic Energy Weapons; flying crowbars) you would drop from LEO (Low Earth Orbit), over 100 miles (About 150 KM). At that range, even a ship that size is a pinprick in a night sky.

Technical, Your own fleet status: Even in the direst of emergencies, every ship would probably not have left their base. During the attack on Pearl Harbor and the aftermath, about a dozen of the ships present did head out and attempt to close with the enemy fleet. But about half that number did stay close enough to try to protect the islands. It would also not be common knowledge on the ground, even among family members.

That being said, the piece was tightly written and believable. The one quibble I had was immediately solved when Dustil did get his mother away from the house, but not that far.

Pick of the Week

Vrook's Assignment
KnightoftheWord

Pre Mandalorian War: A very young Vrook faces a severe culture shock

This is a unique perspective for the old curmudgeon. To hear him comment about 'his' master's denigration of music reminds me of every claim the fundamentalists of our day make about the music of our own age, right back to the comment from the Movie Oscar (Set in the mid 20s) where the main Character uses the song 'Minnie the Moocher' as an example.

Having dealt with one of this race before (Remember Luxa from TSL?) I played with it as well when she meets the Exile. Seeing the staid boring Vrook dumped into an orgy was just so choice.

Pick of the Week

A Journey to Find Her
Layana Danare

Two years Post TSL: The crews of the Ebon Hawk gets together again to find their lost Jedi

The piece is a relatively normal intro to yet another adventure. Atton reacts to one comment, that he and Manda'lor were not to follow, yet it was odd that he didn't react to the second, that she left behind those they cared about. Only one thing stopped it from joining the other picks of the week.

If someone is bribing someone, they wouldn't pay two levels of flappers to get to that person, or at least would not toss money around like Atton does here. As an example; a private eye needs to talk to a dancer at a local club. The bartender suggests one dancer, but expects the PI to hand him a hundred dollars. He then directs him not to the dancer herself, but to the stage manager of the revue. That man however wants 50 dollars before he will let her talk to him. See what I mean?

Technical note, Currency: While we consider gold and silver valuable today, in a society with asteroid mining (There's more platinum silver and gold in the asteroid belt then there is on the planet we live on; one asteroid named DA1987 has over a trillion dollars worth of platinum on it alone!) such would probably not be the case in the Star Wars universe.

The primary uses of silver gold and platinum once asteroid mining starts will be circuitry for the baser metals, and high heat dissipation for platinum. For example, in one of the Star Trek novels, the hull of the Enterprise is composed of alloys of the platinum group (Iridium, platinum, and rhodium, all very valuable and used primarily for jewelry these days).

Back when we did have gold and silver coins(Before 1932 for gold, and before 1965 for silver), they didn't call them by the metal names; they merely called them dollars. Twenty dollars was one ounce of gold or twenty one ounce silver dollars.

Some good work so far, but I only had time to read the first of 15 chapters, and still don't know who Taliana is.

Heartache
Flooj9235

Post TSL: Carth receives a last gift from his love

The timeline is too short as the author admits. My problem is the story left me kinda flat.

Half Truths
AmakuraMayu

KOTOR Aboard Leviathan: The truth comes out

The intro was excellent, and Bastila feeling like a student teacher in charge of a sugar filled class of seven year olds was choice. The only negative I see was your version of Revan gave in too quickly in the interrogation.

Sentinel
Aenzo

Post KOTOR: Bastila's reunion with her mother does not go well

The primary problem I had here was that the meeting in the hospital is just too brief and transitory. You remember the scenes from the game where Bastila wants to reconnect with her mother on a personal level, and now it is merely a visit where you come in, say 'hi and bye' and that is it. There was more emotion when Bastila was still berating the woman.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-16-2013, 11:42 PM   #1355
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Terrible Swift Sword
Kendoka Girl

Mandalorian War overview ending after Malachor V: Revan embraces her dark destiny

The piece is one of the best about this specific period I have seen to date. As Revan slides further to the dark, you can see her rationalizing why she must do what she does. You also get a glimpse of the political BS she is dealing with as she does. There is only two flaws, and one of them is technical.

The Mandalorian home world and system, like the leader of their society, is called Manda'lor, though Mandalore is considered acceptable. If you consider their society like the Japanese of World War II, Malachor V was more comparable to the Battle of Okinawa, the first island of what the Japanese had long considered their home territory; it had been occupied as a prefecture in 1609. A necessary battle to prove that long held territories could be taken away from them.

A comparable situation to what you describe (If it had been their home system) would have been choosing Kyoto Japan for the first nuke, since the primary residence of the Emperor is there. Yet in a little known or remarked upon bit of history, the government derived their power from the consent of the Emperor, even if he had no real authority to tell them what to do.

Upon hearing of the destruction of Hiroshima, Emperor Hirohito ordered his ministers into his presence, and ordered them to sue for peace and accept whatever terms the Allies would give them. When they tried to come up with reasons why he did not have such authority, his answer was, 'there will be no further discussion'.

The combination of foot dragging by those ministers, and the fact that the Russians (Who had been accepting their peace proposals for the last six months, but never passing them on to the Allies) caused the destruction of Nagasaki three days later. In fact, the 'reply' from the Russians was to invade Manchuria.

But without the Emperor to order them to stop, the war would have been more like our worst case; that the Allies would have suffered an estimated 5 million additional casualties per home island, and as Halsey had said, Japanese would only have been spoken in hell

Technical, MSG deployment: The Mass Shadow Generator was there we know. However deploying it (Using rather than delivering it for use) would have been a strategic decision, not a tactical one. Consider the delivery of the two atomic bombs during that war. Even with Little Boy sitting on his air base, Colonel Paul W. Tibbets, Jr., commander of the 509th Composite Group did not have the authority to load it on a bomber and drop it until he received orders from what is now called NCA, National Command Authority. Yet this is exactly what you have had Malak do; I have the weapon, use it.

The controls in place to avoid accidental deployment of a nuclear weapon have been used by every nation that has ever fielded them. The man with his finger on the button does not have the authority to press that button until told to do so.

In my own Return From Exile which will be posted in a few months, I have a similar situation, but with two major differences; first, thanks to the possibility of a communication failure (And primarily due to that same incompetent Republic NCA), the commander of the ship carrying it did have such authority, those his orders (From his direct superior, Revan) were to deploy it only if the battle was being lost. So while the cutscenes in the game say that the Exile gave the order, and Bao Dur carried it out, I did not use that.

What happened (In my version) was the idiot in command saw the battle being won, knew that except for a footnote, he would not even be mentioned, so he reset the operational parameters, then on his own authority, deployed it causing most of the deaths in the battle.

Those flaw aside, it is an excellent work.

Pick of the Week

Already I see your hands coated with blood
HK-Revan

Post KOTOR to the middle of TPM: Revan leaps 4000 years into the future

The piece was a bit confusing, one reason being that it would be a Nabooan ship. Nubian is an Earth society and race. This was probably caused your spellchecker. If you have not reset it to not suggest words in the English language, that can happen.

We see Revan literally coming apart at the seams after the Star Forge here.

After the End
Callalili

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: An idyllic end... with a twist.

The piece snuck up and sandbagged me. I did not expect the end we had. Just a quiet pair of lovers... sitting on ground zero. The only negative I have to state (And I hate to do it, really) is that constellations are region specific. If you head as little as 44 light years from Earth, every constellation has changed enough that you wouldn't recognize them. If the author had watched the movie version of Lost in space, you have a scene where Judy and Major Don West are creating new constellations as a game. That I think would have made this perfect.

Pick of the Week

Is It Me, or Me?
Onyx Panthera

KOTOR after Leviathan Revelation: Doe he want the old Revan? Or her?

It's an interesting way to get the idea across when Revan admits that she loves Canderous. Does he love the idea of the powerful Jedi? Or the woman who loves him standing right there?

KOTOR The Darkest Weapon
HazardLife

Post TSL: Desperate to Find Revan, the Exile chooses to use a living weapon

The piece left me cold, as in not at all interested. The 'weapon' comes across as nothing more than a rather vicious child with just as much morality as long as he is entertained. The provenance of his creation makes less sense, since if the Sith had the capability of blending powers together like this, they would have conquered the galaxy millennia ago.

Dreams
Auralee

KOTOR on Tatooine: Dreams can come true if each person accepts it as possible

It is a first work, and as such needed polishing and sight editing.

That said, it was a fun read. The idea that she dreams of him, he hears her talking about him, and once he finally makes the connection, he decides to follow through. I recently spoke with another author about Carth. She said he is whiny (And he is) but I never thought he was also clueless.

Falling Away
Layana Danare

Post KOTOR: The hardest part is saying goodbye. So don't say it

The piece was based on a song I enjoyed, and never knew either the name of the song or singer. As the song says, no need to say goodbye.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars KOTOR III: The True Sith
Falcon 360

Post TSL: Having returned from the Unknown Region, the two Jedi heroes now explain what the Republic faces

The primary problem I had with the work is the timing and tactics of the True Sith. If they were close enough to be a major threat, they should have struck when Kreia died; both the Republic and the Sith are at their weakest point, neither would be able to resist for long.

Waiting the years they have since first Revan, then the Exile scouted them just made the fight more even.

The Dark Night of the Soul
Kendoka Girl

Pre KOTOR: Revan begins her attack, and Malak sees his chance

The piece seesawed between very good and unsatisfying. The section among the Republic fleet is actually worse then I had imagined, with Admirals more worried about properly timed (And punctuated) reports than battle readiness, and refusing to accept that if a master Strategist leaves you an opening, you're stupid to take it. If you're in training, whether hand to hand, or with a blade, a teacher leaves you an opening just to teach you not to accept it at face value.

When it shifted instead to the Sith, the fallen Jedi are stereotypical rampaging monsters out of every bad propaganda movie. Having Malak choose this point to attempt his coup was to my mind ill timed.

One thing that appeared incredibly stupid considering the timing, requiring them to file a form in the middle of a battle, actually happened. During a battle in North Africa in the late 19th century between the Somalis and the British, an artilleryman went back to the caissons that held the reserve ammunition because they were hard pressed, and had run out. He returned with the ammo, and the battle was won. Afterward, he was charged with striking a superior officer, and his reply was not an apology for the attack, but for breaking the rammer over the man's head. The junior officer had refused to pass out ammunition, in the middle of a desperate battle, without a signed order from the man's officer, even knowing the officer had been killed.

The EMJ
Flooj9235

Mandalorian Wars Era: Bastila sees Revan for the first time in a long while, but she isn't even paying attention

The piece was hastily written and unfortunately it shows. There is no rhyme nor reason to it. The idea that the Jedi would set up the equivalent of medical teams didn't make a whole lot of sense. Considering what they must learn and later do, it's like the old view of the world of the Soviets taking a college student out of class in midterm to help harvest the local crops.

Faith That Blinds Us
Lord Zeuss

During Jedi Civil war: A Jedi forces a Sith to choose a Jedi option

The piece has a unique twist; a Jedi threatening a child's life; either killing her or forcing her to join the Jedi to convince a Sith to surrender. The feeling the Sith is having are closer to the Jedi ideal than her own sworn leanings, regardless of the rationalizing how 'evil' the Jedi are.

The piece ends with neither willing to return to their old orders or change sides. The Jedi still thirsts for revenge, but refuses to accept the Sith Mentality. The Sith worried that her leaders will finish the job begun by the Jedi by killing her sister, but knowing the Jedi would never accept her return.

The primary argument I have with the piece is a personal one. I have never accepted the Jesuit argument that the ends justify the means, and as much as apologists blame the one threatened, if you put a gun to someone's head to make demands, it is not the fault of that person if you kill them.

Leaves in the Wind
Volt

Two Weeks post Kashyyyk: The crew needs something to cheer them up, and this might do it

The piece was a bit of fun. My own Revan (In Genesis of a Jedi) is someone you would want to keep out of the kitchen (Technical note, on a ship it is the galley) and reading about the carnage she created making a simple cake reminded me of my own.

Canderous fell out a character there briefly at the end. Members of Warrior societies are not known for worrying about whether they will survive or not. But it was a small slip.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-24-2013, 10:12 PM   #1356
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Wedding of the Jedi
Chevron7 Locke

Set in the Sith Resurrection RP universe: Wedding day problems are bad enough without this happening

Haven't read C7L in a long time, but this is as good as it gets. Considering the situation, including the explosives laden trooper, I was suddenly of the first chase scene in Serenity where Jayne shouts, 'you know, right now we really could use some GRENADES!'.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

Bedmates
MissxCellophane

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: There is a solution to not having enough beds...

The piece did cover one thing that bothered me in both games, and that is the fact that there aren't enough bunks for the entire crew when they are gathered; eight with only seven bunks counting the medical bay. The compartment used by Juhani in the first game, and by HK in the second, is just an open space without a bed.

Of course in the game this isn't a problem; no one sleeps anyway. But in real life (Or a story) you can see people fighting over somewhere to sleep, or in my mind, hot bunking As I mentioned in my own Genesis of a Jedi, Trask sleeping in the bed for one shift while my Revan, (Danika) sleeping during another.

The solution suggested is from the salacious point of view, and while it is accepted, it isn't what Atton had planned.

Pocket of Memories
Unlock.Your.Heart

KOTOR enroute to Manaan: What would she say?

The one constant whichever side you might be on in a war, is the photo of those you left behind. We carried them to remember why we were going off, and to keep the faces alive in our minds. I've known a few who kept them after that other person was gone as well, wishing for the past. His having 'Ana' tell him what to do fits right in there.

The Fires of Hate
Darth Gorgutz

KOTOR/NJO crossover: Revan has to leap into the future to survive

The primary problems (Beyond needing to be polished) are technical, and addressed below.

Technical note, ancient languages: The problem with using ancient technology as described, is simple. First, languages evolve and change. People can read ancient Egyptian now only because of the finding of the Rosetta Stone, where a decree was carved in three languages, ancient Greek, Demotic, which was the language of Egypt in 196BC, and hieroglyphs. So what you have is some scholar back then showing off by inscribing the stone with a language dead for several thousand years. Now hold that thought.

In the Story Omnilingual by H. Beam Piper, he has archeologists on Mars and among them a woman that is collecting the scraps of what they had used for paper, and piecing them together. Most think her crazy, because as the author points out in the work, the only reason we can read all of those ancient languages is because of referents within other languages we did have translations of, as with the Stone. Piper finally has them use science, especially chemistry, physics and mathematics because they all deal with constants that everyone knows are true, an atom of an element weighs this much, Pi is this amount and no more, that kind of thing.

I know we can just say 'the Force directed them' but going from an ancient species that is believed extinct to a modern one is a bit of a stretch. About twenty years ago, the Milk Board decided to use the same slogan (Got Milk) in Mexico. After all we've dealt with each other language wise since the middle ages, right? However, those who saw it in a test audience laughed. Because a literal translation of the phrase comes out as 'are you lactating'.

Technical note, ancient technology: Again you have her trusting a power system built over 2,000 years before she arrived, powering an extremely complex device almost 30,000 years old. How can anyone be sure the older device would even still work? And considering the size of what you have described, why would Nihilus have left it there? While he assumes he will live forever by draining everyone around him, it would still be something of great value to a subordinate who could have hidden it aboard ship to drop off somewhere else, as happened with HK apparently. Sort of like locking your disobedient three year old inside your Bugatti Veyron (The most expensive car in the world, try 2.3 million).

KOTOR: A matter of Looks
Sabby87

Post KOTOR: They may never share a dance, but he does have one look only for him

The author mentions that it's a first fan fic and is ESL as well, so I went in with a bit of trepidation. But the piece surprised me with how well it had been done (Or maybe reedited later) and the content was a lot of fun. Different people use different ways to describe not being able to dance. In the Legacy of Heorot, the authors had one character claim a horrible injury in combat, both feet blown off at the ankles, and the surgeon accidentally replaced them with two left feet. But there's a guy out there with two right feet that is wowing them even now...

In most cases, you have the characters try, and the one who cannot dance finds it's a matter of the right partner. Our author instead makes Carth such a klutz that he smacks her head on a table instead. A very nice touch in my mind, because her look (As Gallagher once said on stage when he'd accidentally hit his daughter's head on the edge of a van door) of 'are you really that effing stupid?' is one only he gets.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR: Two is a Family
Sabby87

Four plus years Post KOTOR: A beautiful night, with a twist.

Sabby (Who is Italian) blindsided me with this piece. A man in love carrying his sweetheart to bed, you would think. But he carries something more precious.

Pick of the week.

Unfaithful Misery
Hannawald5

Based on the premise of the Force Unleashed:

Usually I only read the first chapter, but I have never played FU, primarily because A:, I couldn't afford it when it came out in PC, and B: because the premise bothered me. I can see why others might have thought you were merely novelizing the game, since you have the main character going through the exact same steps, situation, era and master. They look at it as I do at some of the work on the site; the hero waking up, Trask Ulgo giving the intro, but then they say, 'oh, but it isn't KOTOR, it's my own story going somewhere else entirely'.

After finishing the prologue I read on because it was like looking at a meal in a menu picture. Oh it looks good, and even smells kinda good. But what about the taste? If you think that is an odd analogy, it isn't mine; WEB Griffin commented in one of his books about a character going to a restaurant in Japan in the late 40s, and ordering an American style breakfast. It was delivered cold, because they had prepared it to exactly match the menu picture in the kitchen the night before, and put it in the fridge.

I read the second, and while interesting, it was lacking. To continue the analogy above, like a child being taught to cook preparing their first dish solo. The proportions aren't quite right. Before you get upset and think I am flaming you, this is some good work that needs tweaking and polishing, not trash. You are not Akane from the Ranma Series making cookies with jalapenos, you just needed to sight edit to correct the few problems there were. For example you make redundant statement a number of times, and use the wrong terminology.

With terminology you do not update machinery for example, you upgrade it. Most of the time, when a mechanic is working on something like a car or aircraft, he is merely checking the workings as they sit, and tweaking it for better performance. With a high performance car or a military aircraft, this is done every time it returns to the hanger or garage, and every time it is because mere use can put too much wear on parts.

Something as simple as moving it in time away from the basic FU time line would help a lot. As much as it was a unique idea when the game came out, I am willing to bet that other Sith Lords had tried the 'secret apprentice' idea before. Picture Revan from KOTOR deciding to train that one perfect apprentice far away from Korriban, and about the time TSL ends having a delayed 'dead man switch' recording tell the new Sith Lord that he's ready to go and conquer the galaxy.

Had To
MissxCellophane

Through all of the KOTOR games: Sometimes, it's the only choice

I understand why the author had problems with hard breaks between sections at fanfiction. I tend to use five asterisks (*****) as a break inside a chapter, and a few months ago I was previewing a new chapter and noticed that the system there edited them out. You will notice that I told you twice because when I post this review, I expect them to be gone yet again.

I liked this a lot, even if it was short. Each situation was pretty much 'I had to do it', and covers both games together very well. I especially liked the idea that T3 was sent to get the Exile by Revan, and is doing what he was told to do, which explained why he was still there in the second game.

Pick of the Week

Nice Guys
Skates16

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: It's all HK's fault

The piece cracked me up because I hadn't anticipated the end. Oh I know the Exile-Atton link up is possible, and the author did a good job of giving us how it could have started. But if you want to know why I laughed, read it!

Pick of the Week


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4571213/...y-Little-Thing
Every Little Thing
Bee Hoon

Originally reviewed 15 June, 2006 over at Lucasforums in the Coruscant Entertainment Center That review is below:

After TSL: A hard decision creates another one.

The work needs polishing. Other than that I can’t think of anything bad to say about it. Well done.

Reprise Pick of the Week


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4569956/...ek-s-Rebellion
Star Wars: Marek's Rebellion
Star Tours Traveler

Force Unleashed AU: If the main character had survived facing both Vader and the Emperor, what might have happened?

Having never played the game (Just checked, can't run II, maybe I could run game one in the PC version? I'll have to find out) I have only the basic storyline about the game itself, and a lot of what is happening is a bit confusing.

The only glaring problem I had was; in the game he is assigned a pilot. Was that because he couldn't do it himself?

Technical note, New construction: As we saw at the end of ROTS, the Empire has started construction of the Death Star. But Tarkin, by inference, suggested that the ship was still top secret. While the senate would have to be apprised of such a ship, it is unlikely that Senators would have been taken out to actually see it. As an example, Lockheed has what is called Skunk Works, where the prototypes that gave us the U2 and SR71 were built, but they were both so top secret that all the Armed Forces committees had was reports of their progress until they were completed.

After all, the elected officials are human and eventually up for reelection, and boasting about how you're important enough to know about some supersecret project has blown so many of our real secrets.

Technical note, Stealth: As one writer (Using magic instead of technology) pointed out, invisibility has drawbacks. Having two ships the size of the Falcon that close could easily be a chance for a collision

The style is good, I just wish I had actually played it to get the changes the author made.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4578079/...ess-in-Waiting
Empress in Waiting
Marianne Bennet

Mandalorian wars just before Malachor V: The soon to be Exile discovers Revan's betrayal.

Remember to sight edit and polish. Some of the phrasing doesn't really work. If I general complains about casualties, he would say 'excessive, or inordinate' rather than great. And even then the casualty rates are dependent on the situation, so while in my own Dxun Memories Marai anticipated serious casualties on the attack, it was because of the situation, and I explained it there. Also, a general would be ordered back to her troops, but is not 'attached'. She would have been told to return to her 'assigned' command instead.

The ending of the past segment left me a little flat. If the men under say George Patton had been told that he intended to push on to Berlin in early 1945 rather than accept the order to allow the Russians to do so instead, they would have followed. But if another General under him knew of Eisenhower's orders, he would not have merely returned to his division and gone on, he would have left in protest.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4325843/1/Defying-Gravity
Defying Gravity
Amme Moto

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Revan remembers her words to the Jedi before they left for the war.

The piece bothered me primarily because Jedi would need people to fill the ancillary roles any organization would have, but some of them I cannot see them doing for themselves. As an example, a modern Tactical Fighter Wing has a complement of around 4,000, but of them all, only around 100 are considered when you speak of their exploits. Those men are the pilots of the 72 aircraft assigned. The rest are the maintenance crew from the actual flight line personnel down to the cooks and the guys who pick up the trash.

I cannot see someone with all of the training a Jedi would need actually being assigned to be the cargo handlers on the docks, or cooks, except for the odd punishment detail or KP to use military parlance.

In a work I read a few years ago, the author stated that the Jedi only accepted newborn children, and my reply was that they needed a new class to go with Guardian, Sentinel, and Consular. They needed Jedi babysitters too.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 08-31-2013, 10:24 PM   #1357
machievelli
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A Man and his Jacket
Emcey Squared

TSL On Peragus: It looks like Atton's Jacket is closer to her than he will be

The piece is well written, and the kittenish view of the Exile is a nice touch, especially talking Atton out of his jacket. Her reply when he comments about Kreia at is actually better than the one I have in my own work, and no, I am not going to jack it! It makes me wonder what goes after...

Pick of the Week

Flying Lessons
Cylka

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A flying lesson

The piece is well one and the segue from wanting to fly the ship to actually doing it neatly done. Atton's version of the 'hands on' approach reminded me of every guy teaching a woman how to move from baseball to golf, but was gently done.

Pick of the Week

The Skykiller's Tale
LepRECONOfficer

No specific era given: A vampire watches those around him with little or no real interest

The piece is interesting, there is a vampiric race in the SW universe, but this appears to be the standard genre variety. 46 chapters long, and I really didn't have time to read further.

Goodbye
TehPrincess

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: One last chance at redemption

The piece is short and sour. The one person a Dark Side Revan might hope would survive is killed, and now she has nothing but what she has forged by her own hands remaining.

Pick of the Week

Legacy of the Jedi
Jaden Light

2000 years after KOTOR: A young Jedi gets a new assignment

It was interesting putting two Jedi into the equivalent of a holodeck, but I wonder what the Jedi had gone through in the last two millennia to have them create scenarios of one Jedi turning dark and attempting to kill their friend?

Dark Paradise
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR approaching the Unknown Planet: Revan has more to deal with than just the mission

I wonder why you have her reacting so negatively to Jolee's statement. Back in the time of Rome, one thing they added to a victory procession was a man whose entire job was to repeat, 'you too are mortal'.

In the There Will Be War anthology, there is a story where a character compares two different generals, one, whose name escapes me, and Cinncinnatus. Both were great generals, but at one point in their lives; when they were called back from retirement because of terrible need, they went different ways. They both were offered the Dictator's seat. The other man accepted, and it was one of the worst times for Rome, because he was woefully incompetent as a politician.
Cinncinnatus, the better remembered of the two, merely returned to his farm again.

The way you have her handling Jolee's comments reminded me of the bad one.

Technical note, Reentry: When a ship or for that matter an aircraft is coming in to land, the approach must be shallow. You can land by merely flying overhead and pointing it at the center, but that is also called a crash. When entering an atmosphere, you need a course that is shallow, but not shallow enough that you actually bounce back out. What you have described is an approach that is too steep instead.

In the Movie Apollo 13, Jules Bergman, who was excellent at explaining science to the brain dead who depend on television pointed out that the manual maneuvering the crew had to do from over 200,000 miles away could have been devastating. He likened the approach they had to be on (With a globe and sheet of paper) to having to hit the edge of the sheet of paper from that distance. If they aimed too high, they would shoot past with no hope of making it home, and if too steep, to burning up instead.

Except for the comments made above, the piece is up to the author's exacting standards, and well written.

Inescapable
Staple Gunned

Post KOTOR: Male Revan and Bastila deal with the nightmares of her ordeal

The biggest problem with what is now called PTSD is that you never really deal with it without help. If you look at the history of our own men who went through a war or torture at enemy hands, you can see sudden leaps in some areas. After the Mexican American War you had the sudden birth of the mountain men phenomenon, after the Civil War, the gunfighters of the old west. After WWI, the rise of Organized crime where a lot of the street soldiers were veterans, and after WWII, the birth of the motorcycle gangs. The last you can verify just from the names of the first ones. The original Hells Angels were primarily members of the bomber crews from the European war.

As a small slice of life, it was very good.

Destiny Forgotten
This PenName wasn't taken

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: There is one last chance of redemption, but will she take it?

There is in life a point where you feel you cannot go back to what was before. You see it highlighted, in the Star Wars universe where someone does something they believe damns them for all time.

This piece was excellent in portraying this. Revan facing Carth after she has resumed her title as Sith Lord, part of her yearning for that return to what she knew. Her actions fit the dark side ending, but her reactions afterward show that this last act is what finally damns her.

Pick of the Week

A Painful Exile
Darth Yuthura

Post KOTOR: One last act of defiance before she leaves

Having read the author's work on another site, I was not surprised by the quality. The way the council literally heaping all the blame for Malachor on our exile fits the way the game works, but is more virulent here than when the dialogue of the game is played. Having both of the people she thought friends either standing silent or leading the attack was well done.

In fact, some the author mentioned at the start gave me an idea of an explanation later in my own Return From Exile.

Pick of the Week

Unbreakable
Promised Flower

Post TSL: As the Exile prepares to depart, Revan finds herself in a cunning trap

I have noticed that the site tends to remove things most of us might use to show scene breaks so I will not complain that we jumped from the Exile to Revan's predicament too quickly. The piece is well written, and the way you've woven both women's problems into it was nicely done. It could use polishing, but any writer will tell himself that it can use polishing.

Interlude with a Jedi Princess
Promised Flower

KOTOR on Manaan: As the old saying goes, If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid...

I had anticipated what was going to happen, but the endearments they used were funny and Bastila suggesting where she might put her foot outrageous. I loved it!

Pick of the Week

KOTOR II THE SITH TRIUMVIRATE
Vyrazhi

TSL AU: The start of the game is really different...

This story is brand new to the fan fiction site, but as any who have been reviewed by me knows, one way to jump the queue and be reviewed early, is to ask me to look at it now. Vyrazhi (Who goes by another name over at lucasforums. Who you might ask? If she wants me to tell you, she'll tell me!) has done good work over at Lucasforums, and I agreed because as I said, she does good work.

I didn't have a chance to read all four chapters for this review (For you kid, I will go back and read it all and critique all of it) but just the start has enough changes that I know it will be interesting. Creating another droid who keeps clubbing her over the head medically was a nice touch. I think she only wants to find it to return the favor.

From the blurb I know there's a lot more to come. Why not check it out?

Pick of the Week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-06-2013, 11:32 PM   #1358
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A loose End
TehPrincess

TSL on Malachor V: When she tries to leave alone, Atton doesn't let her.

This is an interesting take on the Exile's further mission. The Exile knows what she faces, but Atton does not. And with the Mass Shadow Generator about to be deployed for a final time, we aren't even sure the pair will make it off the planet. How's that for a cliffhanger?

Pick of the Week

Identity Thieves of the Old Republic
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR and of all places, Middle Earth: What's in your Wallet?

Kendoka Girl surprised and delighted me with this one. I usually only read a single chapter into a work unless it's very short, or in this case, a laugh riot. You can hear the voice (Which doesn't match on the first three) and know instantly who has stolen whose credit card identity, and having the Mandalorians imitate the Vikings from the card commercial is literally outrageous! You gotta read this!

Pick of the Week

Blades of Grass and Acid Rivers
Chasing Liquor

TSL on Dantooine: Some conflict on the plains, and a vision

Technical note: While a material blade might get caught in a body, a lightsaber (Which cuts anything except Beskar Iron or Cortosis) would not have this problem.

The first part was interesting, but to me, the more interesting part was the dream described at the end. The idea that you are running through a nightmare, and what you are pursuing is in reality your own future.

You Are Not Mandalore
Lord Zeuss

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: In the depths of frustration, he finds another way to look at the situation

While Manda'lor is frustrated by the situation, I can understand what he does not. When you have an entire society founded on honor, and that is taken away, what do you have left? We see this in Japan during the period of the Mejii Restoration. The entire class of the Samurai was abolished, and thousands of years of loyal service was thrown in the trash. Samurai who lost their masters before became what were called Ronin, and Japanese history is replete with these men becoming nothing more than bandits until they found another master willing to redeem them.

Our hero faces this here. That was part of the reason I had my own Revan (Genesis of a Jedi) give the honor of being their leader publicly. Even my own version of Manda'lor will face this in my TSL novel (Return From Exile), because there are men out there who desperately need structure to make their lives worth living. Some will refuse to accept it, others will embrace that return.

But the part that does return will be the stronger for the lack of those who refuse.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR III The True Sith
Tended Believes

Post TSL: Having found what they sought, Revan and the Exile now have to race home to warn the Republic

The piece has little description, and almost no characterization, but it it like one of the Frank Miller chiaroscuro drawing from Sin City. An oppressive feeling suddenly becomes cause to flee, and to us the reader, we know they have found it, but don't even know what 'it' is.

SQAKOTOR Edition: Carth Onasi
Kawe n' Wessie

KOTOR after Leviathan: Can he trust her?

I don't know the song, but it doesn't matter. My only problem with it is that the entire encounter is contrived. After all, whether Revan has gone back to the dark or not, in either case you can picture her saying 'trust me' before there is proof of the return to darkness.

Memorable memory
Gamerchicksrhott

TSL final confrontation: The Exile looks outside herself for more strength.

The piece is very short, and while both Kreia and Mandalorian are both misspelled, that is not much to complain about really.

But it didn't really move me, and I had hoped it would.

Stockholm Syndrome
TehPrincess

Pre TSL: Before the torture, Atton is briefly compassionate

We don't know a lot about the woman that caused Atton to flee the Sith. What we do know is only his own memories, and in the game they are vague. But I can see her going through this, having him torment her by neglect then doing something simple like this to try to break her spirit. But a person good at torture would do it just to have the difference between this and what follows.

Moments Between
BananaLollipop17

KOTOR on Tatooine: One good turn deserves another...

The piece slipped up and blindsided me. Starting with The Look, which freezes others in their tracks, then the playful mood that follows. Very nicely done.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: Republic Commando: Alpha-Squad
Revan-Kun

Set during the Clone Wars: A team is sent on their first real assignment

I have only two negatives, one technical. The other is that it's too short to get a good idea of how good you might be.

Technical note, armor: If their armor is so good, why is the armor used later by the Storm Troopers so weak in comparison ? Luke for example aboard the Death Star in ANH killed Storm Troopers merely using their own weapons Unless it is a special armor only issued to the Commandos, it doesn't make sense since the first rule of Armor is that it is designed to face a specific threat, such as the frontal armor of the German Tiger tank, and it is always being upgraded because the second rule of armor is that no matter how good it is, the warhead to defeat it is already being planned or in production.

Star Wars Adventures of Han Solo and Chewbacca
Grand Moff Tarkin

Question: Why is this shuttle unnamed, when the same class shuttle in ROTJ was?

Technical note sounds: While used in almost all of Hollywood's productions, remember that there is no way to hear a sound in space.

Technical note, Imperial presence: As oppressive as the Empire is, they could not have bases on every planet. BY my estimate (In my own Return From Exile) the Republic spans over a hundred thousand planets, and having even a few score men at each would mean millions of troops deployed only as garrison troops. In comparison the US has a few hundred legations and embassies, and have about a regiment (1500 men) assigned to that duty compared to the million or so under arms.

Dreams and Reality
LilliaJohnson

Post TSL: Revan finally returns

The piece is well written, the scenes believable and enjoyable. The reunion begins as a dream, but soon becomes reality.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-14-2013, 10:07 AM   #1359
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Lessons in Exile
Msficwriter

TSL From the beginning: Discussions with Kreia

I read the work, and read The Catto's comments, and echo them. The work appears rushed, and there is almost no characterization, though having the Exile wet herself was a nice touch.

The one thing that bothered me was having her confused when the meditation began. After all, she had been a Jedi for several years before the war, and how to meditate is not something you would forget. Only finding the peace within it.

Fanfiction.net

My Immortal
Unlock.your.heart

KOTOR One-shots: Brief glimpses of life from Carth's viewpoint

I usually only read the first chapter if there's more than one. I honestly don't have enough time for more. But after reading the first, I went on to read the second. That made me wish I had time for more.

What the author has done in about 500 words per segment is create a snapshot of a moment. And each. Like a photo, is set in stone, and just as excellent.

Pick of the Week

Sister
xIgnoranceIsBlissx

Post KOTOR: Revan finally remembers why a name is important to her

The piece literally slapped me in the face halfway through the first chapter. It has been suggested by other authors that Revan and the Exile were siblings. But this one links them tightly because while Revan had kept her last name, she had chosen unwittingly her exiled sister's first name, and that is causing nightmares in her present.

The note she left for Carth is intriguing, and I wish I could read further into it because I wanted to see his reaction five years later when a woman he doesn't know bears that same name...

Pick of the Week

The Change of Blades
Revan-Kun

Pre-KOTOR AU: What if Malak's plan had failed?

The piece was short enough and interesting enough that I read it all the way through.

The scenes, while well done left me flat. Allowing a Jedi to surrender, then killing her almost absently made little or no sense to me. Having Bastila merely accept this made even less.

Winter Wonderland
Flooj9235

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Fun in the snow leads to more

I enjoyed the scenes, picturing the staid Jedi actually playing like children in the snow. The only jarring scene was Malak being upset about Revan's reaction.

The Heroine
Flooj9235

KOTOR on Lehon: They both finally admit their feelings

As much as people react negatively, I have never been bothered by slash unless it's shoved in your face. Who or how you love is between you and your partner.

That said, I disagree with the author's comment about the last paragraph. The entire piece is gently done, and the two lovers are finally happy that they have admitted it.

Pick of the Week

Trial by Fire
Royalstraight

Set in TOR: A young Jedi deals with the people around him in an odd manner

The piece is a bit confusing. From an astromech droid that wants to have his brain moved to other types, to dealing with kids, to kissing a girl. He doesn't come across as your average Jedi.

Something to Hold Onto
Cylka

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton and the Exile relax at a rave

The piece is a nice little slice of life. For the first time we see the Exile relaxing rather than leaping from fight to fight. A Typical 'date' situation.

Ways of the Force
Horned Reaper

Set in TSL: A teenager finds himself in the game.

Technical note: West is a direction on a planetary surface, not one used in a ship, which because it can move, would have no way to determine west from east. While I would usually ding someone on using the nautical terms, the direction the Jedi should have given on returning from the cockpit should have been 'turn right in this back hall'.

The one thing I liked was the sense of awe, and the boy immediately 'not' remembering the layout of the ship he had seen. However I would wonder why Jekk didn't sense the duplicity.

Take It Easy (Love Nothing)
Sarcasm Turtle

Post TSL: With the Exile soon to leave for the Unknown Regions, Atton holds onto what he has

The piece is good enough that I wanted to read beyond the first small chapter. However I was confused that Atton could drug her, since drugs are not supposed to work that readily on a Jedi. Of course considering his past, he would probably know what to use, but I wouldn't have considered it for a good reason as she did.

SWTOR: The Becoming Series Episode I
Luminescent Fool

SWTOR on Tatooine: An unexpected visitor is looking for the hero

The piece was thought provoking, and too short to my tastes. Having an attractive woman looking for you, then punching out the person she was directed at was surprising and made me want more to read.

Pick of the Week

The end Before the Beginning
AssassinsLover

Several months Post KOTOR: The crew is preparing for a new mission

The piece flows rather well, with Anna (Revan) totally clueless about why Bastila is upset.

A Map to Where?
Shadow of the Storm

KOTOR on Taris: A pair of young gamer find themselves in the game.

As the author has said, the idea has been done before. The primary difference is it is a pair of girls, and no one is sure who Revan is yet.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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Old 09-21-2013, 11:46 AM   #1360
machievelli
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SWTOR: Fell Rain Part I
Luminescent Fool

Set in The Old Republic on Dxun: The sole survivor of the crash must now leave his sanctuary.

The piece is well written, and the descriptions of the crew slowly going mad is well done, heightening the sense of danger. There is only two negatives, that are addressed below:

Technical note, Pirates: It is exceedingly rare that pirates will attack a warship. When they do, it is almost always when they have quantitative or qualitative superiority; they either have better ships or a lot more ships. This is so rare, there are few examples in history. During the age of Exploration when the British attacked the shipping of Spain in the Caribbean, the privateers would attack single ships rather than convoys. Though of a better design as the Spanish Armada later proved, the British didn't have a lot of force without gathering in larger numbers; something they very rarely did.

Piracy needs unsettled times to survive, just as bandits on land do. When the government is secure, such raids are small enough that the losses do not cause reprisals. To attack a warship, especially one of the largest in the Republic's fleet means it has been left untended too long in that area.

Technical note, Ship nomenclature: Until the author mentioned that the survivor was aboard a ship, I ignored this. Please read my article; Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

Pick of the Week

Of Passion
Darth Franky

Mandalorian wars: The soon to be Exile is caught between duty and the man she still loved

If you assume a Revan already falling to the Darkside, this is very well done. History is repleted with Senior military and political figures who violated their marriage vows, and the women they did so with were assumed to be besmirched by that action.

One minor point; depending on where you are in the US, 'legal' can be as young as fourteen. In some foreign countries and religions it can be as young as 13 as long as both consent.

Forgiven
Jax Solo

TSL before the Jedi Masters: A girl is exiled yet again

The piece is very well done. The idea of the Exile being a Mandalorian has been done before, but not often, and never better in my memory. I only had a chance to read the first chapter, but if you want to, there are 55 in total. I would suggest you try it at least.

Pick of the Week

The Hero's Cross
Darth Noot

Pre TSL: The woman that is the Exile leads a brutal life...

This is a departure from what we would expect from the Exile. It is reminiscent of the Movie Gladiator in that the hero of the war is now nothing more than a slave fighting for the amusement of the audience. In fact it would be the opposite of my own Return From Exile.

There are different ways people deal with having been in a war on the front lines. Some return home and never harm anything again. Others break under the pressure, and are never whole again. But some cannot let go of what they have done during a war. Our heroine here is trying to take the two different parts of her life and put them together, like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle made from two different pictures. Deep down she is still the Jedi she had been, looking for a murderer, but the other is the wounded person that survived who now lives only for the kill.

Pick of the Week

The Reign of Darth Revan
HK47fan

Post KOTOR AU: With Revan back in command of the Sith, the Senate and remaining Jedi flee

The piece is confusing for a lot of reasons, not all of them good. A battle is by it's very nature confusing, but you've added to it unnecessarily. Twice you have the Captain say 'we don't have time' then go on to explain anyway. Second, you have the Jedi aboard pretty much sitting in their quarters doing nothing, when they of all people should know the situation is going to hell in a handbasket.

Technical note, Protective Security Actions: A security detail has one mission, and only one mission; protect the principle. Watch a video of any assassination attempt, and what you will see is them pretty much carrying that person to safety even if he or she is fighting to stay where they are. A principle who is alive to scream at you later is more important in their mind than one who wants to stay for whatever reason.

I joked in one story of my own that a character's security detail would rather lock him in a safe basement and let him out on alternate weekdays when they knew he was under threat.

Technical note, Unit size: In a boarding action you would not throw Battalions of troops against anything much smaller than a Star Destroyer because frankly there isn't enough room to maneuver and fight. As an example, a modern Super carrier has a crew of about 6,000, but of them there are less than a hundred Marines, so throwing six hundred plus (a battalion) is not done because a lot of those men would be jammed into smaller spaces where they cannot fight efficiently. Back in the age of sail, even a ship of the line had only about 600 aboard, and while everyone you can spare would be thrown into a boarding action, you would still have people left aboard your own ship.

Read my article LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > Post #11 Boarding Actions: The Few, The Proud

Technical note, ship design and nomenclature: You have consistently treated the ship as if it were a building with the same terms and even design that would be used if it were. Please read the article Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

One primary reason I added this aside, is that on a ship, there is no ladder well (Not stairwell) that goes from top to bottom on a ship; a ladder is for going between single decks, so even where there is direct access from say the main deck to the bilge, you would go down a ladder, around to another below that one, and so on. They are all separated by hatches to close off all of the decks in combat, so while like going down a stairwell in a building, you would not be able to cut it off more than a deck above you. The sight line is less than three meters.

The temple War: Prophecy of two
Keijiro Mishima

Set after the New Republic: A Dark Jedi gets a second chance

The piece is interesting in that we get to see what probably happened to Revan after his capture (According to canon. Mine is female, so there). The primary difference between this situation and Revan's is that they appear unable to implant memories, which would have been needed for the game character.

Chaotic Horizon
DorkLonk

Imperial Era: A Star Destroyer Captain defeats an enemy and shows no mercy

As much as the author seems to think the scenes are brutal, they are not. Considering that Tarkin blew an entire planet up just because he didn't want to have his weapon's power used on some small backwater planet, having a captain decide to slaughter everyone down to the women and children fits the 'reign by terror' attitude the Empire seemed to espouse. If the author had wanted to shock me, it would have been to accept the surrender, and have him thinking about merely executing anyone he didn't consider important out of hand.

Technical Note, aircraft complement: According to the SWRPG rules, a Star Destroyer carries 72, which means your 'hundreds' of bombers would more likely be about thirty.

The piece is a well written minor battle scene.

Fever Dreams
LilliaJohnson

TSL on Dxun: The Exile deals not only with a fever, but with Atton as well

The piece is, as the author said, primarily fluffiness. Between her dreams of a romantic encounter and Atton's tenderness, it was almost too sweet.

One point; how is it that the Exile (Who had probably been on Dxun before) didn't catch it earlier?

A King In My Own Mind
Lord Zeuss

Pre TSL: The Jedi that caused Atton to run willingly goes into captivity

The entire work is through the eyes of the last Jedi Atton tortured. Her determination to carry through is bright and clear. She has a purpose in this, and destroying him frees him

You Win
Abominable Boredom

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Such dirty minds...

The piece is short, sweet, and funny as hell. Everyone has their own view of what is happening in the cockpit, but it's not what they think...

Pick of the Week

The No True Sith Fallacy
Elwin Ransom

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Stuck because someone double parked?

The piece was a riot from start to finish. Starting with the Exile (Who does have a name, but since it's overly long everyone calls him Exile anyway) complaining to Kreia about her mental insinuations, to an argument in alliteration which ends with the Exile admitting defeat because he can't keep up with it. All of the other characters being cardboard cutouts that won't come to life unless the Exile decides to make them Jedi, and Atton admitting he's a student from a theological college and ordained minister. I didn't expect any of what happened, and loved every minute!

Pick of the Week

Paradise Reborn
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: Facing the final battles

The scenes are well laid out, and flow with stunning force. In fact the only negative I see is the idea that the battle goes on for many days. Without massive reinforcements, the fleet sent by the Republic would not last that long.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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