The Critic's 2 cents

[machievelli]

Vlad, there is a way to deal with this, though it will sound crazy.

Get a note pad, and write down the dialogue you wish to use. Visualize the characters as if it were a movie. Then, act it out.

Try not to do it when other people are around. Someone mumbling to themselves in public, especially when they seem to be holding a conversation, is disturbing. I ought to know, because i use the same method, and when the mood hits me, I will go through pages of stuff in this manner.

[JediMaster12]

That would work if my family already didn't think me crazy. Now they think I'm a nut Seriously I try it that way too and it helps.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment center

Heart of Evil
DarthSaboteur

Set three years after KOTOR II. Two groups of unlikely heroes form to face the Sith threat.

As an ex-Dungeon Master, this seemed to me like sitting in a room while two different RPGS are being played simultaneously. There appears at first read to be no connection beyond the fact that the same author is writing them. The byplay between characters was amusing, but the piece needs editing and more filling out.

Hidden Shades of Grey
JasraLantil

Set directly after the events of KOTOR. The crew of the Ebon Hawk must find a lost artifact, and scout for a new Sith threat.

I was amazed and delighted by this work. If the author would e-mail me a complete copy I will enjoy it at my leisure. The writing is excellent, the style clean and clear, the characters well defined. I can’t praise this enough.


Taris

Switchbladekat

At the start of KOTOR Another morning on Taris...

The writing style is smooth, the main character well defined. All in all excellent work.

Two other readers I respect have reviewed this, and I have only one thing to say...

More!


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Still night air
Tresk Im’nel

Shortly after Revenge of the Sith

A vignette. Bail Organa and his wife take in the daughter of a now dead friend.

Well written. Unlike the first work (Reviewed last week) the style is crisp and clean, showing the emotions of the players in sharp relief. Very well done.

Having not read a lot of the books and comics that Star Wars has spawned, I had not heard of Winter until I happened to get my copy of the Guide to the Star Wars universe. A lot of writers, I among them tend to create characters that seem to go nowhere, and it is nice that someone considered this woman worth expanding on.

Star Wars: Jagged Princess,
blizzard

Caught in a damaged ship, a deaf woman struggles to survives and reminisces on her home.

A very well written piece that needs only editing to make it superb.
Blizzard describes the main characters home planet with a nostalgia which makes you sure she had visited the place. Something even professionals sometimes fail to do.

Coruscant Halloween, YJK meets Tim Burton

Stellaraven0073

Set in the Young Jedi period. The title says it all...

A rather lackluster piece. The writing except for editing is fair to good, but I didn’t care for it.

The one thing you will note is that Lucas and the other authors of the Universe have intentionally left out any references to Earth and our society, yet this author seems to revel in them. I didn‘t mind having Halloween, but references to stories that are definitely Terran simply dragged the work down. The one attempt with the ‘life day’ celebration done on television back before most of you were born is a perfect example.



From Kotorfanmedia


When All is Said and Done
Caritas0

In the interim after KOTOR. While being interrogated Ciara (Once Revan) is forced to reminisce about the events of the voyage including emotional attachments.

Well written, mixing the drama of the events, the humor and romance of memories, with a full blown court of inquiry style interrogation.
Excellent work.


The Third Betrayal
Allronix

From his own KOTOR III Fan-fic. Ebon Hawk makes a stop that leads to betrayal.

As with all of the work of this author, it is excellent and well written. While the scene is too reminiscent of the scene on Bespin in The Empire Strikes Back, it was still well done and intriguing. The ending was not wholly unexpected, but well played.


Crisis of Conscience
BrennaSolo

A bridge between KOTOR and the present Star Wars a new Hope.

Well written, excellent characterization.

Not too many try to bridge between the two eras, KOTOR and the modern Star Wars Universe. BrennaSolo does it well by having a remnant of the character from KOTOR be an ancestor of Han Solo. The innner dialogue where Han and Revan talk about the events before the battle of Yavin is good because she ends up using the same method convincing him that Luke had to only a few days earlier.

fifteen readers gave it a thumbs up. I agree.

[switchbladekat]

Always good to know about the fan fics a little ahead of time. Thanks for the review, i'll see what I can do about getting you all more. ^_^"

[machievelli]

The tale of a Jedi on Dantooine the day of doom
staffSaberist

A young Jedi apprentice flees the destruction of Dantooine, to land on... Earth

The style is spotty, but that is due only to needing editing and rewriting. Remember, kid. A good story isn’t written, it is rewritten.
The primary problem with this is you have brought Earth into this. First;
The population of Earth in 48 when Area 51 was created was only a little over 3 billion.
Second, you have negated the ‘long ago in a galaxy far far away’ of Lucas by bringing them into our world anywhere in our time line. If you had the character fleeing say during the last period (Killick) and had them arrive set to become our Atlanteans, it would have been more acceptable to me.

Mira's Vision
cdunshee

Mira from KOTOR II has a vision of the future, when the Order may be destroyed.

The style is quick, and at times abrupt. The second fight scene in the first segment is where I noticed this. On again and off again. Don’t worry, this is something that gets easier with practice

Remember to proofread. You shifted from present to past tense in one sentence. A Whatever prize to the one that spots it first. Again, this is only what writers learn not to do in time. Well done overall.

Dark Mirror
The Doctor

Posted both on Super Obscura and here; In an alternate dark universe, the Jedi and the Evil Empire try to crush the last good in the galaxy.

The idea of an alternate dark universe is a staple of science fiction and fantasy. The Doctor treats it well. As much as you might think the intro is an interminable bore, it is necessary for you to understand the byplay within the story itself.
The style is up to his usual high standards, needing only editing (Their instead of there, that kind of thing, doc) and like a lot of the kids I have reviewed on three other sites now, he is surprisingly entertaining.

http://www.galacticsenate.com/index....ter=all&st=100

Untitled
starwarsfreak

A series of vignettes from the clone wars.
Interesting, but the work is too short to do more than critique his style. The work needs editing to bring out what is good about it, and the author needs to focus on where he’s going with it.

Wicked Ways

Darth Badman

Set 100 years before the battle of Geonosis, The Republic faces a new Mandalorian threat.

While well written My previous complaint still stands. The story segments are one huge paragraph.

Wish
Dancing Rainbows

A pair of Indian girls from England arrive in the city of Coruscant after a talent trial.

The style is excellent, and the story humorous. My problem is the same one mentioned above with blending the two. Mixing real life into a storyline is a standard way to have an adventure, but if you accept ‘A long time ago’ it can’t be done except in a dream sequence.

http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=14

Object of Oppression
home one

Beginning of KOTOR.

The work is crisp but abrupt. The story covers the operation aboard Endar Spire, but does so in a stilted manner. The author needs to do more than just move the character like a toy soldier.


Red Vengeance - Chapter One: The Life and Death Wish
scythe404

KOTOR II: Follow on to Dark Redemption

This is not the first of Scythe’s works I have reviewed, but this time I can’t be nice. The work drags as he tries to explain too much. The back story is necessary, but still it drags.

As Luck Would Have It:
ms Grim

Set in KOTOR during the Korriban mission. A blind Mynian (Revan) struggles to cope with bounty hunters Master Uthar, and her own disability.

Excellent work, with a really amusing and irritating scene with HK. The style is smooth needing only polishing to make it excellent.

[Jae Onasi]

Since I need a 'Whatever Prize' so badly , here's the sentence:

Mira pick up his lightsaber and attached it to her belt.

[Hallucination]

^That's what I was thinking of posting, but it's just a mistake. You can tell because the conjugation of he/she for the verb 'to pick' is 'picks'. Therefore, it is safe to assume that he/she just forgot to add 'ed' to the end of the word, which could either be a keyboarding error, or just a little mistake, not switching tenses for no reason.

[Jae Onasi]

Oh, I know it's likely a typo, but I didn't see any others that met the criteria.

[machievelli]

It's not like the world will end if you don't, Jae. As it is, you picked the right one defined by the criteria.
So WHATEVER

[Jae Onasi]

Originally Posted by machievelli

It's not like the world will end if you don't, Jae. As it is, you picked the right one defined by the criteria.
So WHATEVER

Jae strikes a dramatic pose, eyes part-closed, back of hand pressed against forehead, and utters breathlessly, "My life is complete!"

I'll share my prize with Hallucination since he said he'd noticed it, too.

Seriously, I did like 'Mira's Vision'. Very interesting premise.

[Hallucination]

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi

I'll share my prize with Hallucination since he said he'd noticed it, too.

Sweet, a whatever prize! I'd like to thank Jae Onasi, my parents, people who don't care about this and everyone here on LF. *wipes tears from eyes*

[JediMaster12]

Stop being a drama queen/king! I get enough of that at home.
The fanfics I have read have been pretty good, some improvements needed for better story flow, etc. Just as a general suggestion to all the writers, try to type it first like on a word doc. The spell check picks up most stuff but not all. I say this so Hallucination doesn't come after us about our bad grammar and spelling

[Hallucination]

^
>_>
<_<

spoiler:

I'll be watching you

[Jae Onasi]

Originally Posted by JediMaster12

Just as a general suggestion to all the writers, try to type it first like on a word doc. The spell check picks up most stuff but not all. I say this so Hallucination doesn't come after us about our bad grammar and spelling

I do like the spell check on Word (though it will miss some things if the word is spelled correctly but used incorrectly). It does catch the obvious spelling errors and typos.
The grammar check drives me crazy, and IMO is almost worthless for creative writing. It's tagging a lot of my stuff as incorrect when I know it's just fine, and that's not including things like fragments which I already know will be tagged as incorrect. I'm finding it's correct only about 10-20% of the time for the creative writing process. It works a little better for things like non-fiction reports/journal articles (probably around 50% or better), but it still tags a lot of things wrong that shouldn't be tagged as incorrect.

[machievelli]

I have been using different variations of the Word and Microsoft office word processing programs and I heartily agree. They were designed not for fiction, but for business applications. There are a hell of a lot more businessmen using it for reports than there are writers at all.

If you want fun, set the Political correctness filter too. It will ding you 'not man but person' or in one case when I used the word bitch it gave me 'insulting, do not use!!!'

The problem with the english language is there are two many homonyms and usage is balanced by what the system decides is right. When you add in a program that isn't really made for it, you merely increase your problems.

Why do you think I constantly ding editing and rewriting?

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

KotOR the untold story
OfficerDonNZ

During the beginning of KOTOR, A Jedi remembers his friend Revan, and begins his own adventures.

The primary problem with the work is that it needs editing, spell checking, and then settling down to rewrite. The timing is good, scenes well portrayed.

Legacy of Vengeance
arvik

No specific time within the Genre; A banished Jedi student hunts his father’s killer.

Something about the usage of language suggests that the author is not an American. This is not a negative, it just means a lot of the flak I might usually give him is not going to happen.
The biggest problem is that you have to make paragraph breaks during dialogue, and the work needs editing for both language and grammar. The idea is interesting, but I am hamstrung because I have only heard of the Exile in passing, so I have no basis for comparison. Keep it up, write more.

It has no name

fuzzyllama

No specific time within the Genre; A robot is given an odd assignment...

Several people have already commented on this, so there isn’t much to say in correction except for my standard mantras. Slow down, visualize then write. Edit and check spelling and grammar. Proofread before posting. As one of the offenders in this last regard, don’t take it to badly, K?

Well written, and whether it turns into star wars or something else, we’ll just have to see.

The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater


Shadow's Past, The Chronicles of Kemp Mantet
3rdgenerationfett

During the formation of the New Republic a bounty hunter is hunted by love

The style is well done, needing only tweaking to be excellent. The story is from the seamier side of the Galaxy of course, but it makes it an interesting read.

Starwars: Galaxy's edge,
Ithorian guy

New Jedi Order 2 months after Vector Prime Scientists race to discover the origins of the Yuuzhan Vong

The style is clean and the scene well laid out. The dialogue needs some work, and the usual editing problems apply, but it’s a well written work for a newbie.

Mission to Bogden, The hunt for the Sith
Zane Marit

Set during the Clone Wars; A jedi master and his padawan are sent our to search for the Sith.

Zane has done it again with this well written piece. Worth every minute in reading it.

kotorfanmedia


Payback
Allronix

Starting 2 years before KOTOR, segueing into the escape of Ebon Hawk. A young Twi-lek girl finally pays off on a debt to Canderous.

An excellent well written piece. The style is Allronix at his best. 13 readers gave it a thumbs up.

The Fires of the Forge
Cesar de Biscarret

Set during KOTOR II, A shadow assassin hunts a Mandalorian base.

Cesar does excellent work, and this is a fine example. The inner angst of the Mandalorians is something few have tried to show.

A ruff start
cursed one

Starting before KOTOR I. Carth meets an odd person assigned at the last minute to his ship.

Well written, with well rounded characters.
Cursed one went back after playing KOTOR II to rewrite this part. It makes me wonder what he discovered, since I have yet to play that game.

[Jae Onasi]

Quote snipped a bit....

Originally Posted by machievelli

I have been using different variations of the Word and Microsoft office word processing programs and I heartily agree. They were designed not for fiction, but for business applications. There are a hell of a lot more businessmen using it for reports than there are writers at all.

If you want fun, set the Political correctness filter too. It will ding you 'not man but person' or in one case when I used the word bitch it gave me 'insulting, do not use!!!'

It'll be interesting to see if blogging affects what MS does with grammar check.
Politically Correct stuff--when I was in grad school (history), being PC was Very Important. After 15 years of seeing people in the med field, I've finally come to the conclusion that yes, men and women are indeed different, and rather than trying to make the language completely androgynous, we probably ought to use what's gender-appropriate rather than what's gender-neutral. Of course, determining 'gender-appropriate' would create quite a furor. My rule of thumb is a. be respectful and b. don't use words that would make your mama want to wash your mouth out with soap.

Originally Posted by machievelli

there are two many homonyms

Originally Posted by machievelli

Why do you think I constantly ding editing and rewriting?

Heh, because we need it. Effective writing is not intuitive, it's a learned skill.

[RC-1162]

great work again, Mach (and forget the allowance :P)
id like to know: wheres the political thingy that you used in word??

[machievelli]

I don't know if it is still there or not. I was working with word 3.1 at the time.

[JediMaster12]

Originally Posted by Hallucination

spoiler:

I'll be watching you

Maybe so, but I haven't seen a response from you on my work

@ mach: Again great job a critiquing. You are a lot nicer than the ultimate editing machine

spoiler:

My Mom

I guess people should take a leaf on constructive criticism

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by JediMaster12

Maybe so, but I haven't seen a response from you on my work

For the Anthology? Yes, I intend to use it is I can get a fakkakta agent to look at a full book. But I now am faced with making two or perhaps three anthologies set in different times...

[Hallucination]

^I think she was talking to me . JM12, keep in mind that there's a difference between watching and announcing, and I always read the fics here. I usually have a reason for not posting.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Beyond The Force
potsie

Set a Century after KOTOR, a young boy from Tatooine gets his chance to become a Jedi.

Well Potsie you’ve improved so the story no longer reads like a badly cut movie. But I hate to say it, you’ve gone too far the other way. The flow needs to be smoothed out, and you had some typos that threw me a bit. All in all, an improvement, and a good story so far.

Pravda (The Truth)
Tysyacha

A letter from the Exile begins a chain of events.

Excellent work, kid. All I can say is write more!


Kotor 2: The Good ending
pokejedi123

A rewrite of the ending of KOTOR II

I won’t comment. The people who read this and commented on the thread have already told this author everything he needs to correct. Once you do, let me know. I’ll review it then.


The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater


The Hunger

trayuscore

Post KOTOR II: A captive Jedi falls to the dark side.
The story is well written, with no obvious flaws. Having never played KOTOR II, I was a little confused by the vampiric power that seems to be prevelant in this piece. But if I ever get a copy, I will figure out what I am missing.

One Last Time
dFett

16 years after Vader is born, the dark lord returns to Naboo to deal with that part of his past.

An excellent work, and the ending was superb.

Commencement Day
Zane Marit

As Qui Gon Jinn becomes a full fledged knight, Master Dooku leaves the order.

If you have been following my critiques, you have heard Zane mentioned before. His work has steadily improved. This is an excellent Vignette in the history of the Jedi order, with a good flow and excellent explanation. There was no mention in the movies of why Dooku had left, and this not only gives a reason, but makes that tragic figure a bit more human and noble than we have seen him.

kotorfanmedia

The Gift
jiara

In the interim between KOTOR I and II

On Carth’s birthday, he gets a very special present from Jolee.

The style is crisp and clean, drawing you in and keeping you going. 38 readers on the site gave it a thumbs up.

A Reason To
rose07

In the interim between KOTOR II and III The funeral of Carth Onasi draws the old crew together...
Rose has done it again. I hated the subject, but loved the writing. With simple prose she brings them all together, living and dead, to be together at Carth’s funeral.

26 thumbs up. And it deserves it.

One of Those Days
Round Robin

A typical day for Carth Onasi and Revan written round robin style. Contributors: Skypilot, Azog, Jiara, Allroay, Charys and Wook.
Moderator: Rawtooth.

A round robin is of course a story told by several people. This is an excellent version of that time honored technique, and even knowing that it was one made it difficult to find where it had been joined together.

[Alkonium]

I don't mean to sound like the jerk people think I am, but how soon until you review Fall of the Sith?

[machievelli]

remember you asked me to review the entire work, not just the segments. I told you at that time that I needed for you to send me a copy of the completed work so I would have time to read and review it all together.

[Alkonium]

Ah, right. Well, I believe the appropriate links in my signature should work for that. But think you could review it individually before reviewing the trilogy as a whole?

[JediKnight707]

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi

I do like the spell check on Word (though it will miss some things if the word is spelled correctly but used incorrectly). It does catch the obvious spelling errors and typos.
The grammar check drives me crazy, and IMO is almost worthless for creative writing. It's tagging a lot of my stuff as incorrect when I know it's just fine, and that's not including things like fragments which I already know will be tagged as incorrect. I'm finding it's correct only about 10-20% of the time for the creative writing process. It works a little better for things like non-fiction reports/journal articles (probably around 50% or better), but it still tags a lot of things wrong that shouldn't be tagged as incorrect.

Been there done that. I still write it in word, mainly because: a) sheer simplicity and b) [I'm not bragging here...well, maybe a little] I type so dang gone fast, that I sometimes do siad or jsut. Stuff like that. It automatically changes that, so I like it. But it ticks me off, if I write "Dang." and it underlines it.

[Sabretooth]

Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight_707

But it ticks me off, if I write "Dang." and it underlines it.

Precisely my problem. It interrupts my accurate and fast fingers from continuing running on this buttoned device and land up on the black, curvaceous object, move it, then press the big black button on it, reset the type cursor and restart typing. The Laziness! The Laziness!

[JediKnight707]

^Yup. There is so much effort that goes into it. I simply press F7, and it does spell check. So, I dont have to go threw so much torture upon my mind and body, as to move my curvacious fingers on the device that moves the cursor, then move this 'cursor' and press ABC (check).

[Tysyacha]

...http://tysyacha.livejournal.com



Thank you so much for reviewing Pravda! I have
written some more, although on a different subject.
I don't know whether I should continue this play
or not, because it's not going the way I think a
KOTOR game should. There's not enough combat
by a mile, and I..I don't know. Could you please
tell me what you think, and whether I am wasting
my time or not writing this huge monster play?

Sincerely,
Tysyacha

[Hallucination]

Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight_707

^Yup. There is so much effort that goes into it. I simply press F7, and it does spell check. So, I dont have to go threw so much torture upon my mind and body, as to move my curvacious fingers on the device that moves the cursor, then move this 'cursor' and press ABC (check).

Speaking of things that point out little mistakes...

[Tysyacha]

Thank you for reviewing Pravda! I appreciate it very much, and I have written more...

http://tysyacha.livejournal.com

Enjoy, and please review!

[JediKnight707]

Originally Posted by Hallucination

Speaking of things that point out little mistakes...

>_>
<_<
That was...supposed to happen I was...trying to keep you guys on your toes

[Sabretooth]

Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight_707

^Yup. There is so much effort that goes into it. I simply press F7, and it does spell check. So, I dont have to go threw so much torture upon my mind and body, as to move my curvacious fingers on the device that moves the cursor, then move this 'cursor' and press ABC (check).

IMHO, Spell Check is boring and interrupts me, especially because it picks up all the proper nouns as errors. Whats more, my Word dictionary seemingly has a problem and no matter how many times I switch it to "English (UK)" or "English (India)", it just snaps back to English (US). Now I just ignore the bloody thing and manually spell check the whole chapter when I'm done.

[JediKnight707]

I never review my own work, its one of my...pet peeves. I just hope that spell check picks the damn stuff up

[Jae Onasi]

Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight_707

I never review my own work, its one of my...pet peeves. I just hope that spell check picks the damn stuff up

Think of it this way instead--it's your chance to find any little problems before your readers find them for you. I view it as a challenge or game to find all the problems I can possibly find before sending it out. It also gives me a chance to make sure I'm not saying something terminally stupid or unintentionally offensive, and believe me, I've written some wild stuff entirely on accident and caught it at the last minute before hitting send/submit. I still have my moments, but I catch most of them before they leave my computer.

[PazaakPrincess]

Originally Posted by Sabretooth

IMHO, Spell Check is boring and interrupts me, especially because it picks up all the proper nouns as errors. Whats more, my Word dictionary seemingly has a problem and no matter how many times I switch it to "English (UK)" or "English (India)", it just snaps back to English (US). Now I just ignore the bloody thing and manually spell check the whole chapter when I'm done.

I know your pain. This is a glitch in word, even if you set the default to English UK it still wants to go with US and they are not the same!

Anyway, although it's tedious to be very honest if you don't do your editing, grammar and spell check it ruins the experience for the reader. You may have a wonderful idea but it's going to get lost as your readers try and pick through the mistakes to get to your meaning. Most readers just aren't that dedicated.

You can make a much bigger impact if you do all that you can to clean up your story to make it readable. I edit my chapters somewhere around 10-20 times each and that's just for content.

[Writer]

Wow! You do a lot of reading, don't you Mach?

[machievelli]

Originally Posted by wildjedi

Wow! You do a lot of reading, don't you Mach?

I read an average of four books a week right now. Down from a few years ago, when I read seven a week.

[JediMaster12]

Wow. I usually start ten and then finish them depending on the mood I am in. This week it is a textbook on GIS and samurai sword techniques along with some fanfics.
I guess we are in the same boat in terms of read load eh mach?