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Old 02-11-2006, 03:45 AM   #1
fuzzyllama
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Arrow [FIC] It has no name

This is not Star Wars. I do like it though a lot, and I might add some Star Wars concepts into my story...
Have fun, and please tell me what you think.
--------------------

Imagine...a dark sky of clouds. Imagine...a great mountain of fire, reaching into the air. Imagine...gargantuan molten lakes covering the land, dotted with small boats. This is the planet of fire, which has no name.
Something comes down from the vastness of space. It is a cargo craft, a model which has not seen production for over a century. Slowly it descends on the foot of the mountain.
A man steps out. He carries a small basket, which he sets upon the ground...and waits for a long time. Finally, a small figure appears on the path leading down the mountain. It walks with a limp, and its eyes glow red. When it reaches the man, some money is exchanged, and the newcomer picks up the basket. The man steps back into the ship, and leaves without a word. The ship leaves for who knows where, away from the planet with no name.
The figure slowly marches back up the mountain. In the light of a burning river, one can see it is made of wires and metal...A robot. With a creak, it gets to the summit. There, at the edge of a large lake, a floater lies in the lava. The robot steps inside...

The floater Gatherer drifts away. Normally it would be carrying the rare Agren rocks, but now it was carrying something even more precious...
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Old 02-11-2006, 06:44 AM   #2
Vladimir-Vlada
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Very... poetic.
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Old 02-11-2006, 01:20 PM   #3
fuzzyllama
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I suppose that's meant to be a compliment ?
I usually write my introductions in the present tense, and I've adopted my writing syle after some of my favorite authors...J.R.R. Tolkien, Ursula le Guin...

Last edited by fuzzyllama; 02-11-2006 at 04:49 PM. Reason: Stupid mistake :\ I've been kinda tired lately...
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Old 02-21-2006, 03:29 AM   #4
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Intro...

The robot marched through the floater. It walked through endless rooms, rooms filled with wires, with pipes, with boilers...It traveled in an immense amount of elevators, but finally got to the top. With a creak and a sigh, it sat down on a chair next to a large table of agren and waited for its master.
Xorxen entered. Even though it was dark, the robot could see him very clearly. His glistening metallic form slowly glided to another chair, on the opposite end. His body was vaguely humanoid, however three legs stuck down from him, and, besides the normal two arms of a human, a large pincer extended from his back. Everything was covered in a dark glowing metal. His face, instead of directly coming out of his torso, extended horizontally fowards...His eyes glowed red in the light of the small glowlamp that hung from the ceiling.
"I trust you have it?" He purred, in a voice that reminded you he could destroy you at a whim.
"Yes master" groaned the robot (or Thing, as Xorxen liked to call it). Its voice resembled many malfunctioning gears that were just at the point of breaking.
"Bring it up to the main cargo bay...place it in one of the holds. You know how to...oil it and clean it?"
"I do not understand master".
"What's the word...feed it?"
"I believe so master".
"Then get out of my sight Thing... I have work to do. Tell me in fifteen hours what it's doing".
"Yes master".
"Now go!"
"Of course master"

Thing whirred and buzzed, but finally managed to get up. It reached the elevator, got in, and pressed one of the many buttons.
When it reached the cargo bay, it dumped the package unceremoniously on a type of table. It waited for a few moments, and left...

Gatherer floated away...Inside, at the very heart of the ship, Xorxen sat at his desk, lost in thought...

Far away, away from the planet of no name, inside the ship which had delivered the package, the man sat at the cockpit. He seemed to be laughing...or was he crying? He said: "At last. At last the prophecy will be fulfilled. At last we will return..."

-------
Heh, I'm going to try to write more often...I've been doing very little on this, as you can see ...
Please leave comments!
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Old 02-21-2006, 10:47 PM   #5
JediKnight707
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It's good, no doubt. But, it seems to me that you're too intent on trying to write that you're not thinking it clearly. You're making grammar mistakes (I'm not trying to criticize you). Slow it down. It's good, but it needs more thought than I think that you're giving. Either that, or you're giving it too much thought.

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Old 02-22-2006, 02:35 AM   #6
fuzzyllama
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Thanks for replying!
But...grammar mistakes? I didn't notice any . Could you point them out please?

Thanks!!

-Llama
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Old 03-01-2006, 08:40 PM   #7
JediKnight707
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OK, grammar mistakes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuzzyllama
"I do not understand master".
Should be "I do not understand master."

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuzzyllama
"Yes master" groaned
Should be "Yes master," groaned

Stuff like that.

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Old 03-02-2006, 12:34 AM   #8
Jae Onasi
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JK707's picking up on comma usage and punctuation. So, where you have "Yes master", it should be "Yes, master," groaned the robot... and for other quotes, the technically correct version would be "I do not understand, master." and "Of course, master." Those are easy to fix, happily.
I like how you create a detailed scene with descriptive words. I could easily visualize your opening scene. I'll be interested to see where you take this story and what exactly the 'package' is and how it relates to a prophecy.


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Old 03-02-2006, 04:41 AM   #9
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Interesting word usage you have but you seem to jump from one place to another. Try to put some more detail into the scene and make it flow together. Do you write it out first before posting? I suggest you try it so you can look back at what you have written and look for errors or to change the plot. You can add detail and see how it flows together. Still it's looking good.

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Old 03-03-2006, 11:43 PM   #10
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Heh, thanks. Word doesn't always pick up those type of mistakes.
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Old 03-04-2006, 02:20 AM   #11
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No problem. I look forward to more.

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Old 03-04-2006, 02:50 AM   #12
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Thanks
I'm going to start writing more since I've been gone for the past week, and I haven't been able to write anything. I'll post something later this evening or tomorrow morning .
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Old 12-04-2008, 02:39 PM   #13
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